Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Pawnee Zoo - full transcript

Okay, here's
the situation.

Your parents went away
on a week's vacation.

They left the keys to
the brand new Porsche.

Would they mind?
Well, of course not.

(SINGING) I'll just take
it for a little spin

And maybe show it
off to a couple of friends

I'll just cruise around the
neighborhood Well, maybe I shouldn't

Yeah! Of course I should Pay attention,
here's the thick of the plot

Pulled up to the corner
at the end of my block

That's when I saw this
beautiful girly-girl walking

I picked up my car phone To
perpetrate like I was talking



Sunroof was open,
the music was high

And that girl's hand was
steadily moving up my thigh

She had opened up three
buttons on her shirt so far

I guess that's why I didn't
notice that police car

I can't believe it!
I made a mistake

But parents are the same
No matter time nor place

So to all you
kids all across the land

No need to argue Parents
just don't understand

JERRY: Yeah!
DONNA: All right!

(BOTH APPLAUDING)

Thank you. Thank you.

Just a little something I know.
So, what's up?

Someone is on
fire in Ramsett Park.

They need you to get
down there right away.



Oh, my God.

I've been spending the summer
doing a lot of zoo promotions.

(SINGING) For he's
a jolly good fellow...

Parrots live
a very long time.

So we had a birthday party
for a parrot that turned 60.

(SINGING) ... which
nobody can deny

Chimpanzees are very smart, so we
had them graduate from college.

And they like to fling
their feces, so we were

hoping that they
would fling their hats.

But they just
flung their feces.

(SCREECHING)

The Pawnee Zoo
recently purchased

two South African black-footed
penguins, Tux and Flipper.

And as part of our
zoo promotion,

we are going to give them
a marriage ceremony,

because they
mate for life.

Tux, do you take Flipper, to
be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do! I do!

By the power
vested in me from

the Department of
Parks and Recreation,

I now pronounce
you husband and wife!

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Oh!

Okay, well,
at least they're married.

Are they making babies?

Well, not those two.
Those are both boy penguins.

I'm sorry?

Tux and Flipper
are both boys.

So you should
have pronounced them

husband and husband,
technically.

That's awesome.

Still, you couldn't have
asked for better weather.

Brendanawicz,
you big sandwich eater.

Oh...

Cut it out, now.

Just to be clear,
that was a friend punch.

There was no flirtatious
meaning behind

that playful punch I
just gave your arm.

Yes, I do understand.
You've made it abundantly clear

that there's no
romantic element

to our relationship
in any way.

Yes. Good. Isn't it
good to be able to just

kind of horse around
like this as friends?

It is. Yeah.
Yeah.

I really hit rock
bottom that night.

And I mean that
I literally fell

to the bottom of
a pit and hit a rock.

I remember
laying there thinking,

"There's probably a good reason
why I'm down here and single."

And then I started thinking,
"I need morphine."

Oh, yeah, I hear you made two
male penguins very happy today.

You're making history,
Knope. I like that.

Sticking your
neck out, you know.

No, I didn't stick my neck out.
It was an accident.

Out of the mainstream.
I think that's cool.

I'm in the mainstream.

Yeah, I know.
No, no. Not out of it.

Social activism.
No! Uh-uh.

People in this
town don't really like

their government
employees being activists.

Last year, a garbage
man was suspended

for wearing
a Live Strong bracelet.

Hey, Leslie, some guy who owns
a gay bar sent you a cake.

Pawnee has a gay bar?

Yeah.
The Bulge.

It's behind my house.

The Bulge is a gay bar?

Uh, the nights
I've wasted there.

"Leslie! Hey,
girrrrrrrrl!"

With eight R's.

"Thank you for supporting
the cause of gay marriage.

"You rock!
The boys at The Bulge."

They thought that was
a political gesture?

Okay, nobody eat that cake.
Tom? Step into my office.

That's also my office.
Yeah, whatever.

I know that you are not gay.
No, I'm not.

But you're effeminate.
What?

Well, you're wearing a peach
shirt with a coiled snake on it.

Yes, 'cause it was featured in
Details magazine. And it's awesome.

Effeminate.
Anyway, so the point is,

do you think that marrying penguins
made some kind of statement?

Yes. The statement was that you're
very lonely and you need a pet.

Huh.

Leslie? They sent
you T-shirts, too.

Oh! Wow, look, they
sent us a T-shirt.

Hmm...

Mine has a collar on it.

There she is.
Leslie!

Hey!
Hey.

This is my boyfriend, Derek, and
this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.

Hi.
Hey.

Oh! Wait, sorry,
what's the situation?

What do you mean?

How does this work?

Derek is gay,
but he's straight for me,

but he's gay for Ben, and
Ben's really gay for Derek.

And I hate Ben.

It's not that complicated.
No.

Oh. Yeah. Sure.

The thing about youth culture
is, I don't understand it.

So what can I
do for you guys?

They just really
wanted to meet you,

because you're kind
of like their hero now.

Oh, oh, April, please, it was
just penguins. APRIL: No!

I'm a public servant, and I'm not
allowed to take a political stance.

But you did,
and it was awesome.

Yeah. None of the other
politicians ever take a stand,

and it means a lot to
the whole gay community.

It does, and we're gonna have this
party tomorrow night at The Bulge,

and we had
something to ask you.

We really want you to
be the guest of honor.

Oh, my.

It'd be amazing
if you came.

Yeah, you have to come.

Who made this?

We did.
Yeah, we did.

How?
Photoshop.

What? Oh!
Computers.

Hey, why are you
all dolled up?

It's a long story. I'm the guest
of honor at this gay bar tonight.

I guess gay men are
starting to like me.

I don't know. I guess they think
I'm fabulous or something.

Well, you look good, girl.
You're gonna turn somebody tonight.

(LAUGHING)

That was hands-down the best
interaction I've ever had with Donna.

Leslie, this is
Marcia Langman from

the Society For Family
Stability Foundation.

Oh, hello.
I love your top.

Oh, thank you so much.

I was just hoping
you had a moment

to discuss the events
at the zoo yesterday.

Well, I have nothing
to do with this, so...

Well, what can I do for you and
those fine people at the SFSF?

Well, you could resign,
if you're up for it.

Oh, you're serious?

When you performed a marriage
for gay penguins,

using taxpayer money
on government property,

you were symbolically
taking a stand

in favor of
the gay marriage agenda.

Oh, I'm sorry, but hold on
a second there, Marcia.

That was not my
intention, at all.

Well, why else would
you marry penguins?

Because I firmly believed that
it would be cute. And it was.

Leslie, are you married?

No. Not yet, Marcia.

Soon, probably.
I have a plan, but, no, not now.

Not dating anyone yet.

Focusing on my career.

I thought so.

So you couldn't possibly
understand, but when gays marry,

it ruins marriage
for the rest of us.

So, either you
annul the wedding,

or I'll publicly ask
for your resignation.

You know what?
I'm so terrible with directions.

If I'm headed to
the parking lot,

do I make a left out of
here, or do I go right?

It's a left, yeah.
Thank you.

You're welcome.
Annul the wedding!

(EXHALES)

Hey.
Hi!

I'm supposed to meet Leslie for lunch,
but she actually works, so...

Ouch!

ANN: Mark was brought to my hospital
the night of the accident.

He was here for a week.

I think when his
head hit the ground,

it must've knocked
something loose,

because he's actually
a pretty nice guy now.

And Andy, after we
broke up, he told me

he was going to Kansas
to climb mountains.

So, I don't really
know where he is.

Hey, have you seen that
documentary about food yet?

No, I haven't. But I heard it's really good.
I want to see it.

We should go together.

What? Yeah, no. I don't think so.
That would be like a date.

Okay. Say no more.

Mmm.

I hate salad.

Leslie, I don't want to
ever keep secrets from you.

Oh, me, neither.
Look, let's invent our own

secret language that
only we understand.

And then we can use
it around people

and no one will know what
we're talking about.

Okay.
Okay.

But in the meantime, I'm just
gonna tell you in English.

Mark kind of
asked me out.

He weirdly asked me
to go see a movie with him,

and I said no,
of course, but I just...

I just wanted
to let you know.

I'm feeling a lot of
confusing things right now.

Yeah. No, of course you are.

And your friendship is the
most important thing to me.

And he's off-limits.

Thank you. I just want to let
you know, I was really serious

about that secret language.
I know.

(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)

I can't believe
this is a gay bar.

Yeah, especially
with that heterosexual

cowboy greeting
us on the way in.

Where should I drink now?

There's a bar on Eighth Street
called Pitchers and Catchers.

You can go there.

Yeah. Hey! Okay, listen.
Here's the plan.

Our position is,
we have no position.

So let's just say,
"Thank you for the party,

"but we regretfully decline
your offer to honor me."

Oh, my God,
I can't believe you came.

Hi, April.
Derek! It's Leslie Knope.

Leslie Knope,
you're my hero!

Oh! That's nice.

Leslie, you are
looking hot.

Really?

Thank you, Ben.
I'm really enjoying this hug.

That's so nice, but I need
to tell you something.

This one is on us.

Well, if it's free...

Leslie Knope!

(ALL CHEERING)

She's Leslie Knope,
and she wants to recruit you!

No, no, no. Oh, my. Okay.
Please, please, please, please.

Gentlemen. First of all,
I would just like to say

thank you so much
for throwing me this party,

especially on a night
when the Colts are playing.

We love you, Leslie!

Okay.

This is green.

(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)

ALL: Leslie! Leslie!
Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!

Leslie! Leslie!
Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!

Okay! Well, I wanted
to tell you

that I wasn't really
trying to take a stand

when I married
those penguins.

Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!

You're chanting my name.

Leslie! Leslie!
Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!

I just have one thing to say!
Together we can change Pawnee forever!

Let's dance!

(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)

Leslie Knope's in the building, y'all!
Let's get wild!

I've seen so many dudes from City
Hall here tonight, it's crazy.

But I guess they've seen me here, too.
So, that's not great.

Hey! Hi. I got your text.
Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah! They're having
a party in my honor!

Go to the bar. If you're my
friend, you can drink for free!

Oh! Cool! Okay,
and maybe next time

don't use the words
"medical emergency."

I'm so glad you're here!

I'm really sober!

Okay! Get a drink!

(MOUTHING WORDS)

You know why tonight's fun?
'Cause everyone's so gay.

And they know how to have
fun, and the dancing!

Just, it's... Everyone
is just who they are.

And who they are is
just stone-cold gay.

(SINGING) Can't read my
Can't read my

No, he can't read
my poker face

Blah, blah, blah, blah

My, my, my, poker face
My, my poker face

My, my, my, poker face
My, my poker face

I'm having such
a nice time tonight.

I've met many
interesting people.

And there's two
bisexual guys here,

and I got both of
their phone numbers.

(SINGING) My, my, my poker
face My, my poker face

My, my, my poker face
My, my poker face

My, my, my poker face
My, my poker face

The whole morning.

Show me what's hot
Tell me what I got

Can't read my
Can't read my...

Have fun last night?

I had three drinks named after
me, so that's pretty fun.

Plus, Ben and Derek are taking
me shopping on Saturday.

And we are gonna find out
my actual bra size.

I guess I'm kind of
like queen of the gays.

Bully for you.
I just got a phone call.

They want you to
go on Pawnee Today.

Wow. That's huge.
What's the topic? You.

That Marcia Langman
from the family thing

is calling for
your resignation.

No! You gotta go on
and defend yourself.

Why? I haven't even officially
taken a stand on gay marriage.

That's funny. Somebody just told
me you were queen of the gays.

That was me.

Pawnee Today,
with Joan Callamezzo.

It's kind of like the Meet
the Press of our town.

It's the big time, Leslie.

Yeah, I know.
It is. I'm nervous.

I just wish I were here
under different circumstances.

Guess who?

Uh... Megan Fox?

One of
the Desperate Housewives?

No, Joan Callamezzo.

Hey, Joanie! What's up, gorgeous?
Good to see you.

Tom comes on the show all the time.
Joan loves him.

You have the softest skin
of any woman in Pawnee.

Thank you.

I wish you could reach,
from your TV screen,

and just touch
Joan's skin for a second.

That's sweet.
You'd have a treat.

You're pretty
soft yourself.

How are your
kids doing?

They're pretty good.

Is it tough for them to have a
mother that is so beautiful?

What's it like being the most
attractive woman in Pawnee?

You keep up those funnies, I'm gonna
have to invite you over for supper.

Well, I'll have to
come over for supper.

(GIGGLING)
Oh! You must.

Oh, my God. Ann Perkins.
How you doing?

I'm good. How was
mountain climbing?

(EXCLAIMS)

What?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Can I come in?
I just want to talk to you for a second.

Sure, yeah.

JOAN: We have a controversial topic today,
the gay penguin marriage at the Pawnee Zoo.

So, Marcia, what is
all the fuss about?

The fuss is that
Miss Knope claimed that

she was not advocating
for this gay cause,

and then that very night,
she was the guest of honor

at a pro-gay marriage rally
at a bar called The Bulge.

Miss Knope,
how do you respond?

I'd first like to say that I wasn't
trying to advocate for anyone.

I did not know that both of
the penguins were males,

and I was just trying
to perform a cute,

fun ceremony to
promote our local zoo.

I have to say that
that stunt that you did

with the penguins was
clearly over the line.

Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can
Miss Knope do to make it right?

Joan, we don't want to be unreasonable.
Of course not.

We think that she should separate
the penguins, annul the marriage,

reimburse the taxpayers for the
cost of the wedding, of course,

and then resign.

Oh! Is that it?

That would do it.

Anything else?
You want me to jump off a building?

Perform hara-kiri?
Move to a different town? No, I kid.

Full of ideas here today.

This is the reason why people
don't go into politics.

Because, I bust my ass for the people
in this city, and I can't win.

I have one night of fun with some of the
best dancers I've ever danced with,

and suddenly everybody's
freaking out?

Wow, look at that!
Wow, we're lighting up here.

Great. Let's go for it.
Bring it on.

I've never seen that
on our show before.

How does this work?

Well, there...
Push that, and...

Great. Okay. Hey!
You're on the air!

You're on the air! Good!

CALLER 1: Yeah, I think that
lady should resign.

Okay, good.
Thank you. Next caller.

CALLER 1: You should resign
and repay your salary.

Okay, two for resign.
Thank you. Next caller.

CALLER 2: I just want to say that I love
the zoo, and the zoo is really fun.

Thank you.
That's really sweet.

And I think you
should resign.

You look great.
You look amazing.

Thanks. You look fancy.

Oh, yeah, the monkey suit.
Cost 3,000 bucks,

but totally worth it.
I sold out!

I got a boring
office job in town, so...

I gotta dress up, you know, the grind.
But I'm really happy,

and I really feel
like I've matured a lot.

Good! That's...
I'm happy for you. Yeah.

So listen, I was sitting in
the cubicle the other day,

just doing some thinking,

and some growing...

And some maturing.

(CHUCKLES) Yes! Maturing.
And darn it if I don't just miss you, and...

Andy.
Well, A-Cakes, just let me...

I love you,

and I'm just really sorry for
the way that I treated you.

I was the worst boyfriend
ever, I know that,

and I really think it would behoove
us to give it another shot.

Yeah, look. I'm really happy
for you about your job

and that you've
learned some new words,

but I'm sure
about my decision.

Okay. Say no more.

ANDY: Listen, hit me up on my cell phone.
I'll be around.

And if you wanna talk, or grab
coffee or something like that.

Okay?
ANN: Okay.

Oh. Gotta get back to the office.
Have a good one.

Good seeing you.
Bye.

And the hardest part
about living in this pit

is probably keeping
my suit pressed.

And the rats. It's like a
freaking rat parade every night.

I just want to be
close to her house,

because I need
to protect her.

'Cause there are some weird
people that live around here.

CALLER 3: Yeah, if you let penguins
get married, where does it end?

I mean, would you let me
marry my guinea pig?

Because I really do
want to marry my guinea pig.

I'll take my answer
off the air.

I think that's
a valuable point.

Attendance is up 30% at the zoo, by the way.
You're welcome.

That penguin wedding was cute, damn it.
And I'm not gonna annul it.

I'd ask you to reconsider.

Well, I'd ask you
to stop asking me,

because it's not
gonna happen, Marcia.

Is that right?

Last time I checked, I don't
think I murdered anyone,

or had an affair,
or did drugs!

But I apologize.
I apologize for having fun,

and for making
something cute!

Where are you
from originally?

Oh, no!
What did I do?

So, you will not be
annulling the marriage?

No. I will not
be annulling. No.

Look at them. They're just in their
own little penguin love bubble.

I guess that's what it's like
when you meet your mate

and know you're gonna
be together forever.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi!
Hi!

You know what I realized?
What?

We're just animals.
We don't know anything about love.

Okay.
Yeah.

I think you should go
on that date with Mark.

Oh, Leslie...

Really, seriously.
I thought about it,

and, look, he might not be my gay
penguin, but he could be yours.

Look, I told you I'm not
going on a date with him.

Okay, fine. If you don't want to go
out with him, don't go out with him.

But don't not do
it because of me,

because I'm
really fine with it.

All that's important to me
is that we're still friends.

Me, too!
Good! Great.

Plus, I already called him
and told him that

you were dying to go out
with him, so have fun.

Huh?

So, I transferred the
penguins to a zoo in lowa.

Gay marriage is legal there, so
hopefully, they'll be happy.

At least they'll be together.

Oh, look! Six Flags!
I should take them on a water slide.

They might die.
But it would be so cute!