Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Diddy's Home - full transcript

Morning, Karen.
Morning, Peter Dinklage in a dog suit.

Bark, bark. I love drugs.

Wait, what the fuck?

Elon Musk is coming to scout Paradise
today for the new Tesla headquarters,

and I didn't want
any idiots screwing it up,

so I replaced everyone
in town with actors!

Drug train coming
through. Who wants some...


Are you professional or not?
I'm Christian Bale, you prick!

I gained 500 fucking pounds
for this fucking role! Goop!

Hello, I'm Hopson, and I love cum.

Okay, that's a pretty good Hopson,
but who's that as Fitz?

Bill Cosby.

I had the sex with the dolphins
in the buttocks, you see.

No. No. There is a line, Karen.

Ooh! Who'd you get to play me?

Rob Riggle. He was cheap.

What? Rob fucking Riggle,
the host of Holey Moley?

I look nothing like that guy.

Plus, everyone else got an A-list actor.

You even replaced our son
with Tilda Swinton.

Dad, it's me.

No one would take on the AFKAK role.

Not even Nicolas Cage,
and he says yes to everything.

I'm a side table.

Who wants to open me up
and look for the remote?!

Karen, you are not replacing everyone
to impress Elon Musk.

I want all these actors outta here!

Just one more for fun.

It's me. Hobo-Cop.

I poop in a mayonnaise jar. Oh boy.

Son, I've got the most exciting,
best possible news ever.

Oh, thank God. You found Gina.

Fuck Gina! In two days,
the McRib is coming back!

Ugh. You actually eat that shit?

The only way the McRib could be
more disgusting is if Taco Bell made it.

High Bullet wouldn't say that.

I wouldn't say that at all.

Fuck this dude, man. McRibs are awesome.

That must be some good shit.
Let me hit that.

This could have been
the whole episode right here, man.

Delivery for AFKAK Crawford.

Wow. That's a big package.

I like big packages and cum.

Uh... What's in the crate?


Ooh. Headphones, huh?

Yeah, I-I'm taking the day off.
I gotta go fuck my headphones.

I'm so excited. Goop!
My diddy's finally coming home!

Diddy? You mean your dad? I thought
he abandoned your family years ago.

Oh no. He was just on a 20-year
secret spy mission, and it's finally over.

Did I ever tell you that he personally
killed Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden?

He's the toughest man I know.

Oh hey. My ears are burning
like cherries jubilee.

Somebody gabbing about me?

So, you killed Osama bin Laden
on a super secret 20-year mission?

Hell yeah, I did.

All I do is kill bad guys and crush puss.

Strawberry Marlow. Nice to meet you.

What kind of name is Strawberry?

Uh, the perfect name?

'Cause I leave my enemies
the same way I leave my puss.

Blood red and covered in seed.

Ooh! My Diddy is so brave!

Hold on, son. What is up with your voice?

Sounds like you got your bing-bongs
trapped in a honey jar.

I'm sorry I don't have
a gravelly man voice like you, Diddy.

And what is this?

A real man don't own no kitty cats!

He owns chinchillas!

Come here, babies. Come here.

You're tickling my neck now!

Stop, Liza Chinelli!

And where the hell is your moustache?

I'm sorry, Diddy. I'll grow a moustache
so I can be rough and tough just like you.

Good. Now, I made lemon bars for everyone.

Except you, Dusty. Maybe you get one
when you start acting like a man like me.


Whoa. Shit!

These lemon bars are so good, I'm starting
to think you really did kill bin Laden.

Well, now, I can't take all the credit.

I did have the help
of my Strawberry Action Squad.


Are the other
Strawberry Action Squad members like you?

Not at all!

We got a robot, a giant talking squid,
a leprechaun made out of rocks,

a kung fu kangaroo,
Charles Bronson's ghost,

Lenny the Laser Lizard, Johnny Pecs,

Wilbur the Karate Wizard,
and there's Lieutenant Friskers.

He's a radioactive werewolf.

Now, that's the biggest crock
of horseshit I ever heard!

I mean, there's no way that package
Kevin went to fuck was headphones!

Sorry, that's been bugging me
for, like, ten minutes.

Your story sounds legit.
Thank you for your service, sir.

Fitz, this co-parenting thing is a breeze.

Yeah. We agree on everything.
Like how family baths are not weird.

And we can glance at each other's dicks,
but no staring. Cool.

I was hoping
you'd bring up dicks.

I scheduled Junior's circumcision
for tomorrow.

You what?
I'm totally against circumcision.

I-I can't believe you made the appointment
without even asking me.

What's wrong with circumcision?

Read this.

Why do you carry a pamphlet
about the dangers of circumcision?

You know, for the tips.


Get... get, the tip?

Oh, man.

Whole episode.

I didn't realize
you felt so strongly about it.

I guess we don't have
to get Junior circumcised.

Thank you for understanding.

Now, I'm gonna go put Junior and his
beautiful, uncut pecker pouch to bed.

You're not gonna listen
to that dog, are you?

A circumcised penis
is much easier to keep clean.

And I'm less likely to contract HPV.

Look at that fucked up dick!

Looking like he should be in Peru,
sucking ants off a stick.

Get outta here, High Fitz!

Hi. I'm Stacey.

I am programmed for your pleasure.
What do you wanna do first?

Lose my virginity?

Have I got a treat for you.

My Hero Academia Sexual Lubricant.

Wow. That's... hot.

You know what?
I'm a little tired from the trip.

You're saying you don't wanna have sex?

Of course I do.
That's literally my only function.

I just wanna be in the right mood.

Sure. We can do it in the morning.

Rise and shine.

Ready for a little...

I've got a headache.

Hey, babe. Ready for a nooner?

Sorry. Sleeping. Snore. Snore.

I know what'll put you in the mood.

Star Wars sex toys.

Darth Maul or Kylo Ren?

Just pick one,
and I'll stick it right up my butt.

Oh. That's cool. But...

You don't wanna blow up my Dirt Star?

It's not you.
Uh... I'm on my period.

Sex dolls don't get their peri...

Oh. So that's what was
in the ruby package.

Thanks for dropping me off
at the bus station.

Hey, uh, Nick.
You need any cash for bus fare?

Uh, no. I don't need any cash for fare,

because I live
in the bus station bathroom!

Randall, Elon will be here any minute.
Make sure there are no weirdos around.

Hello, weirdo.

Glad I kept this.

Better put on my bulletproof vest.

What the hell
is that stupid fucking truck?

Looks like you drove this thing
straight out of Halo 1.

Looks like a rock monster
fucked a triangle.

I hate this truck.
Makes me think about math.

This truck makes me angry, but also sad
for you for not having a dick.

Whatever. I'm cool. You're not. Ha ha.

You're under citizen's arrest,

because some ass-faced douche bag
named Elon Musk is coming to town.

Have Triple A tow this GoBot abortion

back to whatever dimension
Max Headroom lives in.

Ya ain't even going to ask
where I was for 20 years?

Well, at least you ain't lost your figure.

Playing hard to get, huh?

You know that makes me stiffer
than Meemaw's peanut brittle. Crunch.

Hello, Diddy.

Check out my moustache!

See, I went to the doctor

and found out I had
a testosterone level of negative one.

So the doctor shot me up with a bunch.

Now I got this moustache, I got bacne,

and these cute little,
teeny-weeny testicles.

So I guess I can help myself to one
of your delicious-looking lemon bars.

You call that a moustache?

If you wanna impress me,
you'd be better off crushing some puss.

'Cause that moustache ain't gonna do it.

Your momma's got more hair on her asshole.

Oh shit. She's dead as hell.

Get the paddles!

Wake up, Momma, goddamn it!

As much as I enjoyed
buying you that $400 dinner

that's not biologically
possible for you to eat,

do you think maybe
I could at least get a hand job now?

I-I'll do all the work
since you can't move your hands.

Oh, here we go.

All you want from me is sex, sex, sex.

You don't even care about what I want.

I care. What do you want?

Thank you, AFKAK.

I've always wanted to take online classes
to become a marine biologist.

Fifteen thousand a semester
is nothing to keep my sex doll happy.

So, do you think tonight we could...

Sorry. I'm really stressed out
from school. Stress. Stress.

Delivery for AFKAK Crawford.

I didn't order this.

Oh. He's for me.

That's Chad. He's here to help me study.

- Sup, bro?
- Okay, Chad.

You and I better go up to the bedroom
so we can get to it.


Uh-huh. Well,
this dating profile should be easy.

Interests. Puss and the crushing of puss,

shutting that puss down,

annihilating that puss,

making that puss uninhabitable
for a thousand years,

and feminism.

Randall, you fucking idiot!
How could you arrest Elon Musk?

That jerk-off was Elon Musk?

Well, why didn't you tell me
he was gonna be driving a GoBot abortion?

I already used that one,
but you didn't hear it.

Mr. Musk, I am so sorry

your tour of Paradise got off
on the wrong foot.

I really wanted you
to meet some of our fine citizens.

Dobby Dobby. Hoo-ah!

I just hope this doesn't mean
that you're gonna leave town.

Of course not.
I'm not one to hold grudges.

Breaking news.

Elon Musk tweets that from now on,
he's going to dedicate all of his time

as well as all of Tesla's available cash

to ruining the life of a small-town yokel.

And since we live
in a universe where nothing matters,

Tesla stock is up 15%.

Man, I love elevators.
Nothing ever goes wrong in elevators.

Oh no! Your foreskin is stuck in the door!

Daddy! Help!

- Told ya.
- I guess I'm still dreaming.

I guess I'm having the same dream.

I need to get a new agent.

You do one tsunami joke,

and you wind up in bed with a giant cock!

So, what kind of cut do you want?
The buzz cut or the high-and-tight?

I don't know. Give him what you have.

Ooh, fun. The Rachel.


There we are.

Uh, just so you know,
I've done thousands of these,

and I always dispose of them properly.


Pee-yoop. Pee-yoop. Pee-yoop.

Actually, can I have those?
Got a lot of McRibs to make.

Harder! Harder! I need the D!

The D? She's been studying all day.

You think she'd be aiming
for at least a B-plus.

I thought you study buddies
may need a snack.

Oh. Your mouth's already
full of Chad's asshole.

Wait a minute.

You're cheating on me?

So that's why you asked me
to lay Chad on top of you.

Not so he could see the book better.

AFKAK, I'm going
through a phase right now.

You just need to give me a lot
of time alone with Chad to figure it out.

Delivery for AFKAK Crawford.

This isn't mine.

Should have pulled me out, bro!

Oh, this is perfect. Why do they have
to make The Family Circus mom so hot?

Now I gotta shit with a boner.

What the hell is Space Ten?

My dream
is to send a man into space

on a toilet while shitting

with an erection caused
by the hot mom from Family Circus.

Not because it is easy,
but because it is hard.

Almost as hard as shitting with a boner.

♪ McRib is back today
Gotta find a new toilet to spray ♪

One McRib, please.


Wait a minute. This doesn't taste
like sawdust and foreskins!

How's your McRib, Randall?

This ain't no McRib.
Musk, what have you done?

Oh, nothing.

I just bought McDonald's and replaced
the McRib patties with real meat.

No! You fucking maniac!

Morning, Brozoners.

Anyone else feeling weird today?


He switched my consciousness
with a squirrel!

There's my body. Get it!

Bark! Uh, bark! Fuck. Bark!

No, no! Don't run him up a tree!
Now he's on the power line!

Hey! Don't chew through the power line,
you stupid asshole!

Hey! I'm back.

Oh fuck.

Man. Thank God
this side table broke my fall.

You wanted to see me?

Yeah, to tell you that I give up.

That squirrel you put in my body
really screwed me over.


What? I did not fuck your wife!
That was not me!

Right back at you, asshole.

And tell your bitch wife
thanks for the squirrel gonorrhea.


You win, Elon. Shake on it?

Ha ha! Joke's on you!

'Cause right before you got here,
I peed all over my hand.

How does that feel, Pee-lon?

Randall Crawford.

How did you squirrels get this number?

You out of your mind?

I'm not paying you three acorns a month
in child support.

Well, I'll see you in squirrel court!


Where the hell are all my Franklin Mint
commemorative rooster plates?

I swear, if Dusty chipped
one of those plates,

I'll kick him right in his cute
little, teeny-weeny testicles!

Diddy, meet my girlfriend.

I spent $10,000 on new clothes,
took hours of pickup artist classes,

and when that didn't work,
I found a girl with no taste.

Or sight, hearing, smell, or touch.

Well, she sure ain't like
the high-class tens that I pull.

Goddamn! Are you shitting
in a Pringles can again?

Anyway, Dusty,
did you at least crush her puss?

Oh, I crushed way more than that.

Not impressed. No lemon bars for you.

You ain't a tough man like your diddy

till you go back in time
and kick a dinosaur's ass.

What? You ain't never done that.

How you think them bitches went extinct?

Oh shit. Bullet will be home any second.

If he finds out
I had your schmeckle snipped,

he's gonna kill me.

Well, maybe he won't notice.

Doggy Daddy's home!

Now, get over here
and let Daddy sniff your ass and penis.

Fitz, why is our son
wearing a bloody diaper?

Uh... The McRib is back?

Whatever. Take it off.
It's family bath time.

Bullet, why don't the two of us
do family bath time tonight

and leave Junior out of it?

Two grown men in a bath
without a small boy? That'd be weird.

What the fuck is this?
You got him circumcised behind my back!

Now, Bullet, I-I know it was wrong,
but I had a good reason.

I had a scary dream.

Look at what you've done, Fitz.

Now his lipstick
won't even go back in the tube.

Looks like a melted red crayon
peeking out of a half-eaten cannoli.

You're right, Bullet.
Shit looks like red Hulk in a turtleneck.

I shouldn't have gone behind your back.
How can I make this right?

We're going to get my son's foreskin back.

Look, Bullet. A free can of Pringles.

Oh my God!

Focus, for Christ's sake.

Junior's foreskin
has to be here somewhere.

Oh, there it is. On top
of that monster made out of foreskins.

I told you this was gonna happen.

What? No, you did not!

Well, I'll be damned.

Here, monster! Free Pringles!

Oh my God!

♪ Hush, baby sex doll
Don't cry and wail ♪

♪ Whoever made you should be in jail ♪

Stacey, could you maybe
take a shift with your baby?

I've been up all night with him.

We're studying so hard in here.

Delivery for AFKAK Crawford.

We're Stacey's parents.

We're moving in
to spend time with our grand baby.


You are insatiable!

And I fucking dig it.

Please don't kill us!

Whoa! I'm offended you'd assume
I'm that kind of foreskin monster.

Uh, all right. Take it easy.
We didn't mean anything by it.

Sorry, I'm very sensitive.


So why'd you chase us?

Are you here to teach us a lesson
about the dangers of circumcision?

Heck no!

I'm here to tell you
about the benefits of...


The highest quality supplements
on earth not approved by the FDA.

I'm offering you
the once-in-a-lifetime chance

to become Diamond-Level
Herbalife distributors.

How successful could you be?
Well, look at me.

This Toyota Celica
didn't buy its fucking self.

If a foreskin monster
can make scratch like this,

imagine what you could do.

So the question is,
are you ready to say yes to success?

See? This is why I'm against circumcision.

What are you doing, Dusty?

Oh hey, Hopson.

I'm just building a time machine

so I can kick a dinosaur's ass
just like my diddy did.

I'm just a cum-loving old man,

but to me, it seems like
your dad may be full of shit.

How dare you!
My diddy is as honest as he is tough!

Now, get lost, Hopson.
I'm doing quantum physics here.

Run faster, you little bitch!
I need me 1.21 gerbil-watts!

The hell did you do to Elon Musk?
He won't come out of his Cybertruck.

He... he's just sitting in there crying.

You have to go and apologize.

Maybe he should be
the one apologizing to me.

I had to go to squirrel court
this morning, and it did not go well.

Four acorns a month?
Are you crazy? Winter is coming.

Don't worry about that.
Happens, like, every time.

Hey, my wife's making me apologize
for calling you Pee-lon

even though it was funny
as fuck, so, I'm sorry.

You're not such a bad guy.

For a pedo.

What did you say?

Pedo! Pedo! Pedo! Pedo!

I am about to kick your weird little ass!


I think I'll show you one
of the special features of the Cybertruck.

I am Iron Musk! It's pretty cool!

Oh shit.

Squirrel Judge!



it's nice that all of your and Chad's
extended families decided to move in,

but my apartment's getting
a little cramped.

I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

Honestly, it is a little weird
that you're here with my family.

I think it would be best if you moved out,
but continued to pay the rent.

You're right. I didn't mean
to intrude on your life. I'll go.

Before I go,
can I have sex with any of you?

We're on our periods!

Oh, isn't this nice?

And you didn't want me
to cut you out of the house.

Diddy, I did it!

Dusty, I am blown away
that you went back in time.

To fight the most
pussy-ass dinosaur ever!

I would have fought one of them
In do minus rexes from Jurassic Park World.

I guess you ain't never getting
no lemon bar.

I think I will have some lemon bars!

Ooh! Hey, look!

I found your goddamn
twat-sucking rooster plates

that you love more than me,
you little asshole!

Okay, you're right, son!

I am a asshole.

You know, I've been putting you down
to make up for my own insecurities.

Takes a real tough man
to stand up to his diddy like that.

That's all I wanted.

Well, that and them lemon bars,
but I already ate the shit out of them.

You think one day I could be
in the Strawberry Action Squad with you

and the talking squid
and that radioactive werewolf?

Son, I have to tell you something.
I haven't been completely honest with you.

This moustache is fake.

Special Sergeant Strawberry!

We need you for another 20-year mission
of killing bad guys and crushing puss!

Well, my country needs me, son.

♪ Strawberry Action Squad ♪

You are one petty asshole. You know that?

Oh yeah? So are you.

Really? Well, maybe
it's 'cause I'm insecure.

Maybe that's my problem too!

Maybe, deep down inside, I hate myself.

Maybe I hate myself too.

You're watching footage
of Elon Musk hate-fucking

what appears to be Rob Riggle
in the middle of a crowded street.

And Tesla stock plummeted.

In a dimension where things make sense.

But in our upside-down shit world,
Tesla stock is at an all-time high.