Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript

I just got the town rebuilt,
and it's destroyed again!

And the only police work
you did was sing "Pump Up The Jam"?!

You know what?

You're fired!
And so are the rest of your idiot cops.

Oh, shit!

Randall! The baby is coming! Now!

Oh, I was wondering how long it would take
to make this about you, Karen.

- No!
- Ah, no!

Dobby, what the hell
is the matter with you, boy?

We didn't raise you to swallow dogs,
grown men, and perverts.

He learned that from watching you, Robby.

Well, that's different.
When I do it, I get a nickel.

Dobby, get your little ass to the house.

Phew. Well, I'm glad
everything got resolved.

Randall! The baby!

All right, we gotta book you an Uber
to the hospital, don't we?

Ah, surge pricing. Shit.

Well, since someone just fired me,
we better make that an UberPool.

Did one of you fellers
order a UberPool?

This is coming up in therapy.

And as your therapist, I reckon
I recommend you attend your child's birth.

You're the doctor, Dr. Earl.


Ugh... H-How are you feeling, Doc?

A little off.
I pooped after my shower again.

About the baby!

Oh! Don't worry, Randall.

Like I always say,
"Stillborn is still born."

Push, Karen. Push.


Oh, look at him.

He's got my face.

Ooh! I just can't get enough
of that new baby smell.

Randall. I shit on the table,
you fucking idiot!

Fuck you! I'm keeping him!

Where's my little baby brother?
I can't wait to meet him.

Allow me to introduce
the newest member of our family,

Kevin Crawford.

Hey. That's my name.

Was your name.

We only called you that
'cause we thought you were gonna be a boy.

He's a doody head.

That's right!

He got you, cocksucker!

Okay. He's already
asserted dominance over me.

Anyway, I-I brought you something...


Yeah, that phone is bullshit, AFKAK.

"Asshole formerly known as Kevin."
Try to keep up, huh, AFKAK?

Randall bought me an iPhone 11.

I already hooked up
with a smoking piece of ass on Bumble.

Who's gonna get stank on his hang low?

Yes, baby's gonna get stank
on his hang low.

You're a little fuck boy. Yes, you are.

It's time for a snack, little Kevin.

Hey! You never breastfed me.

I tried, but you made too much eye contact
and kept getting erections.

I never did that.

Ugh. You're doing it now.

You're not missing much.
I can't drink this stuff straight.

This is gross as fuck, but it's still
pretty cool that he made it.

Hey, AFKAK. Even you have to admit
he's way better than you are.

So what, I'm the second favorite son now?

No. Third.

I'ma whip your little ass

for going all goddamn Godzilla
on our town.

We just got that Quiznos.
Go break me off a switch.

What the fuck kinda switch is that?
I can't lift that shit!

You know I'm on fake disability.
Now, you go to your room.

What the fuck?!

Your son crushed our house!

Oh, he's my son
when he does something bad,

but when people compliment
his abnormally large penis, he's your son.

Oh, great. Where we gonna find
a new shithole to live in, huh?

Hey, Delbert, are you, uh,
thinking what I'm thinking?

We should go to trade school,
get real jobs,

save up for a down payment
on a nice home in the suburbs,

maybe a Craftsman Bungalow
or a Tudor Revival?

I was gonna say climb up
our son's asshole and live inside him.

Yeah. Your idea is better.

Hey, Karen. Guess you thought
we'd be upset because you fired us,

but we're not, because the PD
now stands for Party Dudes,

and this station
is now called The Bro zone Lair.

We're all gonna be playing board games
and... and eating Sun Chips and, uh...

God, Karen!
Please, give me my job back!


What you doing, AFKAK?

I've called every fight club and fat camp
in the state. None of them have seen Gina.

Does it look like I give a goddamn?

Jesus, Dusty! You used to be so nice.
When did you become an asshole?

It's called character development.
You should try it sometime.

I'm just gonna try to forget
that Gina is missing

and that my bullshit baby brother
stole my name.

Morning, Bro zone-ites.

First off, a moment of silence
in remembrance of Bullet and Fitz.

What about Hopson?

Oh, I didn't forget Hopson.

I'd also like to call for a moment
of silence for the police force.

It's weird.
The town seems better off without us.

Yeah, well, we did a shitty job.

The PD is over. But at least
we don't have to smell Hobo-Cop anymore.

Hey! I'm a f... a fan favorite.

Wait, Karen let you remain a cop?

Yep. She said she couldn't fire Hobo-Cop.

I guess she likes the name.

She says it's the most clever joke
this show's ever made.

Well, fuck the police.
We're banning cops from the Bro zone!

Well... well, your loss!

Good luck having a scene
without a z-zinger from me!

Go sell all this police stuff on eBay.

Next time somebody tries
that peekaboo bullshit on me,

I'll be fucking ready.

You can't have a gun!

Don't worry.
Daddy taught him how to use it.

Yep. Just like Daddy taught him.
He's a crack shot.

We're gonna win that father-son
deer-hunting competition.

You're taking him?

But that's the one thing
we do together every year.

Of course I'm taking him.
You're against hunting.

And I'm against spending time with you.

Randall says,
when we win this competition,

I'll be his favorite son,
and you'll be dead to him.

Bet those stakes
really chap your vagina, AFKAK.

Uh, if I had a vagina,
it would be chapped,

because I'd lick it all the time.

Na-na, na-na-na!

Well, I guess it's up to AFKAK

to make sure that baby Kevin
doesn't win that competition.

Using the ancient
Beastie Boys art of sabotagey!

That was hilarious!

You fucking assholes.

Hello, sir.

I would like to exchange these 25
defective kitty cats I got here last week.

Turns out they ain't got nine lives.
They only got one.

You killed 25 cats in a week?

Thirty, counting the ones
I ran over on my way here.

It says here, last year,
all your cats starved to death.

Well, there's a perfectly
rational explanation for that, sir.

I hired a drug addict dog to cat-sit

while I was on death row
for murdering Santy Claus.

You are cut off, mister. There is no way
we are ever giving you another cat.

Just 'cause I'm a little clumsy?

Plus, look at all them poor kitties
that wanna come home with me.

That's the same way Garfield went.

Ironically, he did it on a Tuesday.

Get it? 'Cause he hates Mondays?

Garfield humor.

Oh! A fucking gut buster! Great job!

Robby, man, this just ain't right.

You gotta wipe your damn feet
before you go inside.

See, man? I told you
this would be better than our old place.

Well, there is less shit on the walls.

Oh. Shit. Wow.

Dob-maste, my brothers.

Welcome to Dob-topia.

That's right.
Dob-salamu alaikum, my brother.

I've never been happier since I connected
with the natural world of Dob-topia.

It's the perfect place to raise our son.

I finally feel fulfilled,
since I became a sperm rancher.


This is how we were meant to live,

in a true paradise
untouched by human hands.

It truly feels like home.

At least it will.

Back that shit up right here, Delbert.

What the hell?

Did you bring every white trash thing
you could think of?

Yes, we did.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kid Rock!

Hey, y'all! Who's ready
to hear some shitty music?

My sweet little man.

Mommy's gonna miss you so much
when she's at work. Yes, she is.

Phew. Good thing you aren't having
that terrible postpartum depression

like you did with AFKAK.

Nope. Happy as a clam. Bye.

I fucking hate you! Fuck my family!

Oh! This will pass, Karen.

When I was a baby,
my mother had postpartum depression.

On the bright side, I learned to swim.

Out of a car
that had been pushed into a lake.

Well, thanks for trying
to cheer me up, Anton,

but my life sucks,
and my legacy has been ruined.

I spent a year rebuilding Paradise,
and now it's destroyed again.

You know what? Fuck it!


Before you unleash
the bitch-krieg, listen to this.

I found a way
to save the town and your legacy.

Elon Musk is looking
to move Tesla's headquarters.

I think Paradise has a shot,

because Elon Musk is highly committed
to ruining his company.

"Call a heroic cave diver
a pedophile," check.

"Endorse a bipolar rapper
for president," check.

"Spend six billion
on tunnels to nowhere," check.

"Name your son using Wingdings," check.

Pretty good day, Elon, check!

Who's the new guy? Seems like a weirdo.

He seems fine to me.

That judgmental attitude
is why you're divorced, bro-bro.

Attention, fellow... uh, deer!

How many of us have lost loved ones
at the father-son hunting competition?

I'm gonna make sure
that this year, none of us get killed.

The buck stops here.

"The buck stops..."

Yeah. That's hacky, man.

These will protect you.

Wait. What is this?

Oh, that... that's a gun.
You don't want that. Those are dangerous.

Instead of making sure they don't kill us,
why don't we just kill them?

I-I don't... I don't think
we wanna do that.

Where'd you get horses?


Whoa! Yeah!

Sumbitch tell me
I can't have a kitty? I'll show him!

Ooh! Yum!

Oh, that's juicy.

Definitely not a trap.

What the hell?

You gonna be my new cat.

I ain't no cat!

- Do you shit in a box?
- Yes, sir.

- Do you eat mice?
- Yes, sir.

Do you have a bank account?

- No, sir.
- Then you a cat.

Holy shit. I'm a cat.

Ooh! I will name him George,

and I will hug him
and pet him and squeeze him!

Let me go! You're killing me!

I knew I should have declawed you,
you son of a bitch!

All this noise is stressing out my babies.

That's it! I hereby call a meeting
of the Dob-topian council!

Okay. We've gotta deal with...

Oh, hey. Hold on.

We didn't do the Dob-topian handshake.

Fuck the handshake!

I once fucked a hand and a shake,

and then I got fired from Dairy Queen.

Well, since Mr. Grump
is in such a little hurry,

I guess we'll just skip straight
to the ceremonial council song.

Stop it!

Listen! These rednecks
are destroying Dob-topia.

All in favor of kicking
them the hell out...

Are you serious?
No ceremonial voting song?

You gonna finish your supper?

Shut the fuck up.

Well, damn. That's the last time
I'm making you Lobster Sperm-idore.

Baby Kevin, I can't wait
to bring home that trophy this year.

You sit there and look pretty, Dad.
I'll do all the heavy lifting.

Oh. Did you hear that?
He called me pretty.

Not so fast, Edward Finger-Hands.

Jerry and I are winning that trophy.

Hey, you guys can't even hold guns.

Who needs a gun?

Huh. Strange we haven't seen a deer yet,

but I'm sure
we'll stumble across those poor,

dumb, defenseless animals soon enough.

What the fuck?

Oh my God, the deer are killing off
all the ancillary characters!

Run, Judge Judge! Run!

Where the fuck
did they get a plane?

Hey, there.
I'd like to speak to Elon Musk, please.

What's that? I've got the wrong number?

You know what? Fuck it!

I haven't seen someone so eager
to push a button on a desk

since I interned for Matt Lauer.


♪ I'm such a lonely boy ♪

♪ My cat less life feels small ♪

♪ Don't see why I can't have one ♪

♪ Just because I killed them all ♪

♪ I bet my cats are looking down right now
Missing me so much ♪

♪ No, we don't miss you, fatty
We just hate your fucking guts ♪

♪ Remember when we cuddled
On those long rainy weekends? ♪

♪ I remember when you starved us
And you made me eat my friends ♪

- ♪ Our bond can't be corroded ♪
- ♪ You hugged me till my head exploded ♪

- ♪ You gave me tongue baths every day ♪
- ♪ You gave me hepatitis A ♪

♪ I never heard a cat complain ♪

♪ You crushed my face
With your fat taint ♪

♪ I deserve another chance... ♪

Bro, you literally
just killed me with that dance.

♪ I made a loving home for you
It was like a feline Ritz ♪

♪ Your apartment is a death camp
It's a kitty-cat Auschwitz ♪

♪ Will I ever find
Another furry feline friend? ♪

♪ No, I swear, you'll never find a cat ♪

♪ Depraved enough to live with you ♪

♪ Again ♪

Oh, I beg to differ, baby!

♪ You drugged me at the VFW
And turned my butthole inside out ♪

Ugh. I think you're looking
for the Hopson song, sir.

Run, Delbert!

The council has spoken.

You two must leave Dob-topia at once.
The way you came in.

That ain't gonna be possible.

Call me Woody Allen
'cause I just blew up my kid's asshole.

Ooh! Zinga-ding-ding!


You idiots have destroyed
the delicate balance of the Dob-osphere.

Dob-damn it! Dob-topia is Dob-doomed!

Ugh. Sorry. I'm having an aneurysm.

♪ It's our first day together
And we'll be best friends forever ♪

Dinner is served, my little furry friend.

Your favorite meal. Fried fish!

Mm-mmm! I could get used to this, baby.

I don't understand why those other cats
are scared to live with you. That's crazy.

You know, I don't have the slightest.

Now pardon me while I go dump this
boiling hot grease down my bathtub drain.

Oh no!

Huh. Looks like you got
a little burn there, huh?

God damn!

You mad at me?

Mad? Hell, I came three times!

I'm gonna like it here.

Boil up another pot
and throw it right in my pussy.

We're all gonna die!

Quick! Let's climb up Dobby's throat
and escape out of his mouth!

Have you seen this fucker's mouth?

We'll never get past
all those rows of jacked-up teeth.

And this inbred idiot
blew up the other exit.

There's no way out of here!

I know of another.

Hopson, what the fuck you doing, man?

He's working your son's prostate.

Our son's prostate.

That should be enough.

Now saddle up!

So, what's the plan?

The plan?

We'll be riding six white horses
when he comes!


Oh, fuck yeah.

And that is why I think Paradise would be
the perfect spot for Tesla's headquarters.

You're going to come see
the town yourself?

Well, that's wonderful news, Mr. Musk.
I-I can't wait to meet you in person.

Ah! He's coming here!

Feel better now?

I really do.

I got you your favorite
coffee drink to celebrate.

Why does it say Karen on my cup?

Uh, because it's your name.

Bullshit! You think I'm a Karen.

That is the worst slur
you could call someone!

You know what? Fuck it.

Great Scott!

I sure am dehydrated
after ejaculating those six individuals.

My dear God, if you don't want me
to touch children anymore, give me a sign!

Do you have any Vietnamese signs?

Don't shoot him in the face.
I wanna mount him.

Please don't kill me. I'm the proud father
of a brand-new Bro zone.

It's a Bro zone layer but spelled L-A-I-R.

Think about it.
It's the best pun I ever came up with.

Stop! Don't kill him!

Why? They're overpopulated.

Because you think
getting revenge will fulfill you,

but once you've got it,
you'll realize that this was wrong.

You'll just feel empty.

That was beautiful.

I'm still gonna kill
this fucking guy, though.



The only sons I have left
are a piece of shit...

...and a turd baby!

Holy shit. My kid's immortal!

The buck stops here.

Wow. Best fucking one-liner
I've ever heard.

I made that joke first!

Holy shit! A talking deer!

An immortal baby saves the Earth

from a Planet-of-the-Apes-style
deer uprising

and wins a cheap plastic trophy.

Here to explain the baby's immortality,

which will probably be important
later in the season,

is the only graduate
of Trump University Medical School.

Hmm... Upon examining the baby,

it seems his immortality likely
has something to do with the fact

that he originated
from a 15-year-old sperm

that refused to die.

In other news, a senile,
geriatric pervert has lost his mind

and opened a ranch for giant sperm.


Eh. C minus.

♪ I bet my cats
Are looking down right now ♪

♪ Missing me so much ♪

♪ No, we don't miss you, fatty ♪

♪ We just hate your fucking guts ♪

♪ Remember when we cuddled
On those long rainy weekends? ♪

♪ I remember when you starved us ♪

♪ And you made me eat my friends ♪

♪ Our bond can't be corroded ♪

♪ You hugged me
Till my head exploded ♪

♪ You gave me
Tongue baths every day ♪

♪ You gave me hepatitis A ♪

♪ I never heard a cat complain ♪

♪ You crushed my face
With your fat taint ♪

♪ I deserve another chance... ♪

Bro, you literally
just killed me with that dance.

♪I made a loving home for you
It was like a feline Ritz ♪

♪ Your apartment is a death camp... ♪