Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Eternal Reckoning - full transcript

Well, Kevin. It looks like you were right
about Charles Lovely being evil.

What? Mr. Lovely probably
just wanted to give us all a skyline view

to raise property values.

Ignore your mother. She goes
into denial any time she fucks up.

Remember when she ran over your puppy?

He was a rapist.

Randall! Tell us you got a plan
to save our skinny white asses!

Actually, I think Kevin
should take the lead on this one.

- Really?
- Yes.

I'm sorry I've been hard on you
all these years, son.

I was too focused on turning you
into the man I wanted you to be

to appreciate the whiny asshole
you are. I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

We're gonna trust him?!
But I'm too young to die!

I didn't even finish my fuck-it list.

Give me that.

A one-armed ventriloquist.

A fully plucked albatross.

Hordak from the She-Ra cartoon.

Huh. So far, same as mine.

Hey. Why are all our names on the list?

Why is mine crossed out?

You, uh, promise
you're a woman over there?

I swear on my testicles.

Good enough for me.

Hopson's right. With Kevin in charge,
we're probably all gonna die today.

Well, I'm just bummed about all the things
that Junior will never get to experience.

Well, let's give him
all the best experiences of life

all in one day!

Yeah! That's a great idea!
What's the first thing we should show him?

I got an idea.

No, Hopson!

Damn stick in the muds.

We have to get everyone off the city.

But I've gotta bust
the resistance out first.

Norf says they're being held
in the Lovely Fulfillment Center.

Norf looks like the man for the job

if that job is hosting
an unpopular podcast

about Attack on Titan manga.

I better tag along
in case you need some backup, big bro.

Great. Everyone else, try to figure out
a way to make the city heavier

to push it back down to Earth.

Ugh, too bad we only have one Dusty.

Man, I can't believe I just said that.

Your wish is my command, Chief.

Ain't nothing heavier
than a Marlow family reunion.

I'm working on a Evite.

You really think
your family will come to a reunion

in a city that's hovering at 38,000 feet?

I think they will.

homemade mac and cheese."


Whoo! Get ready to meet my cousins
from around the world!

♪ Well, there's... ♪

W-Wait a minute.
All of your cousins are also named Dusty?

No. I just never bothered
to learn their names.

My name is Randy.

Shut up, Cockeyed Dusty!

Now, Robby, don't forget
you got that dentist appointment today.

Yeah, I was thinking
about cancelling that shit.


Because the damn city is floating
in the sky, and we all about to die.

You always got some excuse
for not going to the dentist, Robby.

Last time, you said
the town was a giant pizza.

It was! Our chair's a big-ass pepperoni!

I know our papasan's from Papa John's,

but you are not missing
that appointment, mister.

Your mouth is a mess.
I mean, half your teeth are white LEGOs.

You're just jealous 'cause I can do this.

You can spit out a helicopter?

I didn't just spit out a helicopter!

I spit out
the entire Strawberry Action Squad.

♪ Strawberry Action Squad! ♪

Strawberry Action Squad Play set!

Do not use as teeth.

Parachute pants, prenatal vitamins,

prisoners, pregnancy porn.

Clappers, at least
let me fold you up, baby.

No. Leave me crumpled-up
in the corner where I belong.

This is what I deserve
for getting Norf killed.

Emotional pain
hurts worse than anything.

Except stuffing croutons
up your dick hole.

Why are you here?

Did Lovely find out that you're a rat?!

No, I live here.

Why would you work for that evil bastard?

I needed a job, and it was less toxic
than working for Ellen.


Hey, friendlies. Lay off my prison wife.

Who, me?

Yeah, you got
the softest hands in here, baby.

Get over here and brush my hair.

Yes, dear.

Jerry, how's the escape plan going?

Great. Now, put yourself back together
and go find the key.

I never said I could do that.

I know it's a little tight in here,
but we gonna have a great family reunion.

There's plenty of food for all of us.

As long as we all equally
share this cup of Kraft Easy Mac.


Who ate my damn finger?!

My name is Randy.

Stop it, Old-Timey Saloon-Fight Dusty!

I'm about sick of my GD family!

Yeah! The Dusty family reunion is working!

The city has dropped 10,000 feet.

But if we're gonna get back
to Earth, we need more Dustys.

Well, there are more Dustys,

but we never invite them
to the family reunions,

'cause they a bit much.

But I suppose I could summon...

the Forbidden Dustys.

What the hell are you doing here?

You don't belong here, Live Action Dusty.

Kiss my ass, ya fartknocker.

Junior, Daddy's got some bad news.

Did you steal my piggy bank again
to buy cocaine?

No. I mean, yeah.

But the good news is that doesn't matter,

because the bad news
is that we're all gonna die today.

Fuck yeah!
I love the way I talk when I'm on blow.

Don't worry. You're still gonna
experience life to the fullest.

First, I'm gonna teach you
to play the piccolo.

Even if we don't have time
for anything else...

...what a way to go, huh?

Really? That's what you think our son
should experience on his last day?

Oh, do you have any better ideas?

Big Butter!

This is Big Butter.

Yeah, I-I-I got that.

Bullet, our son
is not gonna sleep with a hooker.

Fine. It's my last day too.

If you don't mind,
I am going to go churn that butter.

Big Butter!

Save that pillow talk, baby.
Treat me like a piece of dry toast.

Congrats on your new career
as a Lovely Corp warehouse worker.

Where you'll get to work
in a 102-degree warehouse,

walk 80 miles a day,
and take bimonthly bathroom breaks.

Don't worry.
You'll be issued a Lovely Corp Diaper.

It even comes with an asshole spike,

in case you get
the nasty temptation to sit down.

This is a pretty sweet job.
I used to work for Amazon.

Please see the monitor for information
on the Warehouse Worker Union.

Hey. I think we should start a union.

There they are!

Hey, Kevin! Get us out!
You'll need a key or some...

Uh... I think this is a dog's cage.
There's not even a lock.

I told you someone else
should've tried to open it!

Norf! You're alive!

Fuck you, Norf. I wasn't sad.

Well, I hear
it's your first time at the dentist.

Don't be nervous.
Hop on the chair and get ready.

First, we'll...

What are you doing?

Just saving you the trouble.

It's gonna be real hard
to get my pants off once you gas me.

Sir, I-I-I don't do that.

Man, if you ain't gonna
feed my dick croutons,

what kinda dentist are you?

Son, bird-watching
is relaxing and educational.

Do you see that band-tailed pigeon?

Oh, it's got something on his leg.

Is that a Polaroid?


Look away, Junior.


Okay, kid. Take a look here.

This is grain alcohol.
This is weed. This is Molly.

Just say no to these pussy drugs.

You're skipping these
and going straight to heroin.

Remember that first time
you tried ice cream?

You were like,
"This is the greatest thing ever!"

Well, you're about
to feel real stupid right now.

Bullet! What the hell are you doing?!

I don't know.
Trying to give the kid a great last day?

Psh. You should be happy.

Heroin's the only thing that could
make him enjoy fucking bird-watching.

- How dare you say that!
- I guess we're gonna yell over each other!

Oh, I'll kill a motherfucker
for saying that about bird-watching!

Stop it!

The only thing I wanna do on my last day

is spend it with my dads,
doing my favorite thing.

You're right, Junior. This is nice.

Yes. It is.

Big Butter!

Yeah. Uh, Big Butter and I got married.

I decided it's my last day
on Earth, so...

...I did some of your heroin,
and here we are.

Here come them Forbidden Dustys!

I know I wasn't supposed to slap
both of them, but I can't help it.

My pimp hand is too goddamn strong!

Almost there.

One more small-to-medium-sized Dusty
should do it.

Well, there's only one more Dusty,
and he's a little on the big side.

Meet Big Chungus Dusty.

Goddamn! Why is he so big?

That's how big Dustys grow
in the wild, silly.

What the fuck?!

All right, Genius Dusty.

Can you figure out a way
to get us back to Earth?

According to mine calculations,

if we all don't eat
for the next 37 minutes...

I got a better idea.

Thank you, 300 Dusty.

Actually, I'm Gerard Butler.
Things have gone south, mate.


Mmm. What do we have here?

In another life, I'd be swinging
on that King Kong's ding-dong.

Charles! Those idiots
have grounded the city.

We have to act now,
or the target could escape.

There is no escape.

Sorry about those holes in your tongue.

I've switched to my new Lovely Drill.
Should be much safer.

This is why
I don't like the goddamn dentist.

You simpletons paid
to bring my products into your homes.

They were so affordable, so convenient.

Like lambs to the slaughter.

Meh. Still as stupid than a giant pizza.

See? Huh?
What'd I tell you about these things?

Still think he's not evil, Karen?

What? Products attack people all the time.

It's true. An eggbeater went
up my ass three times this week.

He works the breakfast shift at Denny's.

But you are in luck.

I only want Kevin Crawford.

No one else has to die.

Hey, a pretty sweet deal,
I'd say. But why Kevin?

I'm a romantic rival for his wife.

He sees me as a sexual threat.

Well, take me!
Leave everyone else out of it!

Not you, AFKAK. I said Kevin Crawford.

Hey! I just realized
there's something creepy about this doll.

Stop! That's the son I do love!

Wait. I love both sons now. Weird.

He is mine now.

Also, small change of plans.

You do have to die.

I was born for this day.

This is for all dogs everywhere.

Whoo. I'm glad
I ain't got none of them products.

Don't you have a Lovely Corp Pacemaker?

Thanks for saving me, Fitz.

Saving hell. It's a six-slice toaster!
I'm taking this shit home!

I'll fight you, but only because
I'm looking forward to the make-up snacks.

Great. Now I look bald!

Fight, Norf! Fight!

But you said I'm not on the team.

Since when do you listen to laundry?

But I'm scared.

Oh, I know you are.
'Cause my neck's covered in your piss!

That's right, Jerry! Now's our chance
to kill all the I so toner gloves!

They will mock us no more!

Good job taking out
those products, Camaro Bob.

Don't thank me. I'm just drunk.

Thank God
there weren't schoolkids this time, baby.

It's cooking my head!


Whoa. All these products
are powered by Vlad.

Hey, Vlad. I need you to stop
these smart products, or we're all dead.

Okay, but you have to let Vlad
borrow your body, and you go see Bleemo.

To get the horse teeth?

No. Bleemo turn you into a centaur.

Wow! Metal shoes
and a horse cock? Yes, please!

Deal. Setting all Lovely products'
warranty expiration to one minute ago.

Fucking ow!

Time to finish you off, vacuum.

You're a girl vacuum?

Hey, fuck it. We're all gonna die.

Now, Delbert,
I tried to go to the dentist,

but he drilled holes in my tongue,

and then the drill came to life
and killed the goddamn dentist.

Sounds like more excuses to me, Robby.

So you ain't never
gonna get your teeth fixed?

Oh, I did. I went to Bleemo.

He gave you horse teeth?

That ain't all.

It's no use.
Cal Fullerton broke off the handles.

He does have strong hands.

He made my tallywacker
look like a used-up tube of, uh...

What's that dental pudding you Yanks use?

Mouth custard?

Ah, that's it. Mouth custard.

Look! Our clones are still inside!

There's a neural chair that could transfer
our consciousness into those clones.

But the goddamn chair's inside too!

Actually, I ordered eight total
to see which color went with the room.

Go take them down, Alpha Kevin.

Will do.

To the chairs!


we're going to Brickleberry!

Yeah! We're in.

Wait. What the hell?

Aw, our bodies got all mixed up.

Well, oh boy.
Look what you're packing, Fitz.

Stop looking at my dick, Hopson.

I can jump!

For the first time
in my life, I can jump!

I'm a jumper, Mama!

The doctors said
it was physically impossible!

My heart hurts,
my pulse is racing,

and my saliva, ugh, it tastes
like the floor of a Cinnabon.

My skin feels like wet tissue paper.

Hey! Whoever's in my body,
get your hands off my tits!

It's definitely not Kevin, Mom.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

We need to jump back
into the tanks and get unscrambled

before Hopson makes me blow myself.

Almost there.

Just a little closer.

Everybody normal?

I'm pretty sure Kevin's not.

You're going to need my help
to get to the roof.

Look for a device
in the center of the lobby.

It's a metal box
that can transport you upwards.

An elevator?

Uh, you Americans and your silly words.

In England, we call it up-down
dinga-ding ding-dong up-down room.

Now, I left exact copies
of your clothes in that closet

to make things easier for the animators.

Now, make sure you only hit "roof access."

Lovely Corp has some pretty weird stuff
on the lower floors.

Christmas tree!

Dusty, no... Goddamn it!

What do you think's gonna be
on the other side that's so scary?

Close door! Close door! Hit "close door"!

I'm hitting it! This button's a lie!

And only 95 more floors to go.

Ooh. Well, this is weird.

Why is the damn door still open?!

Oh, uh... Sorry.

What? I like fantasy.

What the...

I'm you, 20 minutes from now.
It does not go well.

Well, tell us what happens.

You hate spoilers, Dusty.

Oh, you don't know me, bitch.

Give me my brother back, you asshole!

Why do you cling to this dying world?

You are all doomed.

I have seen the future, and it is...

Ah, just get to the point!

Yeah. You're giving me a hard-off.


Ever since I first set eyes on this child
and learned of his immortality,

I knew that he was what I was seeking.

Soon, when the planets align,

I shall consume
the Crawford child's essence

to gain immortality.

Like hell you are!

It is so important to marry well.

Stay back!

You made me bite my tongue, you bitch!

Gina, you can't let him do this.

Stay out of it, Kevin!
You're gonna ruin everything!

The Eternal Reckoning shall begin!

See? It's shit like this
why I don't like capitalism.

Yes. Yes.

Freeze, you creepy fuck,
or I'm putting one between your eyes!

Gina! You're undercover?

Yeah, and you almost
blew it for me a dozen times.

I don't get it. Did you join the FBI
or something after you ran off?

FBI? That's pussy shit.

I joined the Strawberry Action Squad.

♪ Strawberry Action Squad ♪

♪ Fighting bad guys and crushing puss ♪

♪ Strawberry Action Squad ♪

♪ We've got Strawberry Marlow ♪

♪ Lieutenant Friskers ♪

♪ Johnny Pecs ♪

♪ Lenny the Laser Lizard ♪

♪ The leprechaun made of rocks ♪

♪ Kung fu kangaroo
Charles Bronson's ghost ♪

♪ A robot, a giant talking squid ♪

♪ And Wilbur the Karate Wizard ♪

♪ Strawberry Action Squad ♪

No! Not my higher hair!

It's time to feel the wrath of My Pillow.

Holy shit! This pillow is made of crack!

Eat blarney stone, you fecking prick.

You wanna know
why they call me Johnny Pecs?

Because of your pecs?


Ha ha. I wanna fight
the old man in the bathrobe.

Actually, I'm a karate wizard.

Wow. Alpha Kevin.

Yeah. That's what they call me now.

No, we don't!

Kevin, I'm sorry
I couldn't tell you about my mission,

but I never stopped loving you.


- You feel better than Mom's tits.
- What?

We've been surveilling this creepy
sumbitch Charles Lovely for years.

Thanks to our new member,
we got him red-damn-handed.

But how did Gina end up
in the Strawberry Action Squad?

After I lost control at our wedding,

I just wanted to get
as far away as possible.


For fun,
sometimes I like to enter myself

in Siberian bare-knuckle death matches.

Lo and behold, my opponent
was your little blonde firecracker

with the crazy eyes.

I never fought anyone
with such brute strength,

and she'd never fought anyone trained
in the art of Brazilian slap-fighting.

The fight ended in a draw.

- Diddy!
- Not now, boy.

I taught Gina how to control
and channel her aggression through...

Diddy, look!

No! Baby Kevin!


Why didn't you say something, fat boy?
You know how I am when I get to talking.

Randall! What are we gonna do?!

♪ Pump up the jam, pump it up
While your feet are stompin' ♪

♪ And the jam is pumpin'
Look it here, the crowd is jumpin' ♪

♪ Pump it up a little more
Get the party going on the dance floor ♪

♪ See, 'cause that's where the party's at
And you'll find out if you're too bad ♪

Ugh. Kill me.

Wait a minute. Why would
a series finale have a cliffhanger?

'Cause we didn't know
this was a series finale when we made it.

Oh yeah.

I guess we can wrap this up
on Farzar then?

Yeah, I guess so.

- Bye, everybody.
- Bye.

I guess we're dead now. Bye.

Damn, that's dark, Robby.