Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Sack to the Future - full transcript


Just like I planned.


I'm a chicken shit.

Oh, thank God I didn't fall.
I could've really gotten hurt.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Drop anchor
and speed up the paddles for no reason.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

At least it ended on a fun one.

Why couldn't you just do it?

Oh my God!

I keep forgetting you can talk.

I've tried everything to make you
hit rock bottom and kill yourself.

I reprogrammed your sex doll
so she'd reject you.

I ruined your one chance to get laid

when I sent in
that Venezuelan dick-stinging bee.

I even told you
to expose Gina's clit at that funeral.

That was Miss Whiskers.

Was it?

Mmm! Goddamn!

You talked me into ruining Gina's wedding!

- But the lockets were...
- Photoshopped on!

Then slipped into your dossier
when you were distracted by a...

formal date.

This is a special night.

I've never fucked a dress sock before.

Oh dear.

You ruined my life!

And now I'm gonna end it.

You shot my dad in the balls,

murdering millions
of my sperm brothers and sisters

and leaving me alone
in that withered sack for 15 years!

Ever since I was a fetus,
I've been plotting my revenge.

And now, I'll do to you
what you did to those sperm,

because apparently,
you don't have the balls to kill yourself.

Wait. Y-You can't shoot me.

I-It's... not AFKAK season.
It's duck season.

Fuck you! I mean, I don't know
what's going on here, but fuck you!

Dusty, you gotta help me.

Kevin is trying to kill me.

Kevin James?
Can't you just out walk that fat sumbitch?

How did I get here?

It's like my whole life went to shit

the day I shot off my dad's balls
when I was five.

AFKAK, no one cares.

Also, you're bumming out Ricky Ricardo.

This insane fat man kidnapped me

and forces me to say my catchphrases!


Dusty, how is Ricky Ricardo
in your apartment? He's dead.

Well, yeah. But I used
my time machine to bring him back.

You know, there's nothing
that puts me in a better mood

than hearing them famous Ricardo-isms.

Now do that weird laugh,
or I'll blow your fucking brains out!

But, Dusty,
then someone will find my body,

and you'll have a lot of 'splainin' to do.

Okay. Okay.

You live another day, Ricky Ricardo.

Dusty, this time machine
is the solution to my problems!

I can use it to go back

and prevent my younger self
from shooting off my dad's balls,

then my life will be perfect!

Uh, b'scuse me? I ain't just gonna
let you use my time machine.

I still gotta go back and stop Bill Cosby.

From making that stupid Fat Albert movie.

How about this.

If you let me borrow the time machine,
I'll bring you back a box of Lucky Charms

from when they didn't have
red-balloon marshmallows

so you won't have to pick them out.

Oh, I do hate them red balloons.
They taste like Hitler's asshole.

How do you know
what Hitler's asshole tastes like?

Duh! I got a time machine, don't I?

So, how does this work?

Does it take into account

the manifold possibilities
laid out in quantum mechanics?

Seriously, Kevin? It's a colander,
a gerbil, and a goddamn Super Nintendo.

We don't gotta
get all Rick and Morty up in here.

But in terms of general relativity...

Kevin! You're confusing our fans.

The audience is high.

The writers are high.

So let's just start
the motherfucking tit-sucking story!

All right. I want to go back to 2004.

You don't know shit
about time travel, do you, numb nuts?

Don't tell me. Tell the gerbil.

Break time's over, bitch!

When he gets back with my time machine,

I'ma go back to 1951
and enslave Ethel and Fred Mertz

so y'all can do whole episodes for me.

What about Lucy?

I'm Lucy. Or at least my pussy is.

Oh, now you'll fucking do it!

Wow! It worked!

Now to prevent myself
from shooting off my dad's balls.

And if there's time, listen
to Michael Jackson albums guilt-free.

Even though, you know, we already knew.

Oh no.

Put down the gun.

What you're about to do
will ruin your life.

Who are you?

I'm you, as an adult.

Aw, shit.

Ten minutes earlier, time gerbil.
Ten minutes earlier.

There. You can't shoot off
someone's balls with a water gun.

Right? Yeah, no. That... that's right.

Dad, look! I'm a real cop, just like you!

Bang, bang!

Kevin! Stop spraying my balls with...

Oh! Hold on.

That actually feels pretty good.

I did it!

Nothing could wipe this smile off my face.

Little faster, son.
Now aim for that brown spot.

'Kay. I-I think we can leave.

Oh God.
Here comes the tidal wave!

Let's go! Let's go!

Well, I hope not shooting
my dad's balls off changed something.

Whoa. It's like Wakanda with white people!

Excuse me, sir. Where am I?

Well, you in Paradise, silly-willy.


That's five-time
Mr. Universe winner Dusty to you.

Look at this.

♪ Titty bounce, titty bounce
Tit, tit, titty bounce ♪

Wow, you look incredible!
In that gross kinda way.

I feel incredible in that gross kinda way.

You want your picture taken
'tween my muscle titties?

No, that's...

Good news, guys.

I just came from the doctor,
and she said I have no mental issues.

Which was a weird thing to say
given that I have never had any before.

That's great, Fitz. So I guess
you never banged that dolphin.

Oh, I fucked the shit out of that dolphin.
How you think I got named Man of the Year?

So, Bullet,
why are you walking on all fours?

Uh, dogs can't talk, Kevin.

So he's just a regular happy dog?

Yeah. Look at him.

Running around all unencumbered
by the burdens of human thought

and drug addiction.

Hey! Put that needle down!

Where'd you get that grain alcohol?

And get your nose
out of that poor lady's ass!

Bad Andy Dick!
You're a bad boy, Andy Dick!

Oh, everybody. Here comes
the town's classiest gentlemen!

Well, some things didn't change.
Robby still likes tits.

Oh, that's right, my good man.

TITS. "Ten Inches To Suck."

A reference to my well-endowed husband.

And no one has a problem with that.

You hear that, Florida?

Come along, Dobbert.

I'm so glad our son is attractive.

Could you imagine
if he had rows of jagged teeth,

or one big-ass, weird-looking eyeball?

I cannot. Even though
I am the most celebrated creative writer

of the 21st century.

I bid you farewell.
We're off to see Frank Finger-Fist.

Don't you mean Frank Flipper-Fist?

I love Frank Finger-Fist.

Thanks to advances in finger science,

all he does is play piano
and finger women.

Wow. This world is incredible.

Hey, look.
President Hopson's on television.

My fellow Americans.

The nukes are coming. We're all gonna die!

In three, two, one!

You just got Hopson'd! Eh!

I love that guy.

That's why he has a 100% approval rating.

Well, I guess if Trump can be president...

Donald Trump? He was never president.

Yeah, no, he fell
into the river habitat at the zoo,

and then he got fucked to death by hippos.

Oh my God.

Everything is better here!

I gotta go home
and see what my life is like.

Hold on. I wasn't done.

Them hippos ran a train on Donald,

and hippos shit when they fuck.

So that shit got all in his mouth
like a big ol' hippo shit bukkake.

To make matters worse,
his kids were there watching it.

But they didn't stop it.

They just jumped up and down
and threw confetti.

So now it's a national holiday.
We have a statue to commemorate it.

This place is huge!

My family must work
at Trader Joe's or something!

Kevin! Welcome home!

Wow, Dad? You're in a good mood.

Well, it's hard not to be in a good mood

when you wake up every day
with a full head of hair

and intact balls.

Dad, they're hanging out.

You're welcome.

I got special pants made
so we can all enjoy 'em.

Hey, honey.

Carmen Electra?!

No, Kevin. It's your mother.

Don't you remember?
I got that plastic surgery from Hobo-Doc?


Hi. I'm Hobo-Doc,
world famous homeless plastic surgeon.

I do one thing, and I do it right.

Make women look like Carmen Electra.

But don't take my word for it.

Don't come to this motherfucker.
He fucked me up!

Another satisfied customer.

You're just in time for dinner, Kevin.

Let's join your brothers and sisters.

Brothers and sisters?

Yeah, brothers and sisters.

What, are you
from a different timeline or something?

They're the quadruplets conceived
the day you squirted that water gun

in your father's asshole.

I came like a wildcat.

Thanks again for that, Kevin.

You remember your world-changing siblings.

Dr. Marie Crawford.

She cured cancer, AIDS,

and whatever the hell
makes Patton Oswalt look like that.

And I invented the condiment clone.

How about a little mustard, sir?


I am God!

Anyway. There's Logan Crawford.

He's saved the planet
by solving global warming.

Once I had cured racism,
global warming was easy.

I had just enough time left over
to win the Olympics.

Acclaimed film director,
Stephen Crawford,

who attained world peace
through his movies.

Surprised me too,
since they all starred James Corden.

And of course
Neil Crawford, who colonized Mars.

I grow potatoes with my poop.

Isn't that right,
alien that I taught to talk?

Take me to your leader.

I'm just kidding. Remember when people
used to think we talked like that?

Back when everyone was fucking racist.

Yep. Those
high-achieving siblings of yours

are the reason this world is so perfect.

They're also in a singing group
called The Crawford Kids.

Their album just hit number one.

Hit it, kids!

- ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ The world can be amazing ♪

♪ Ooh wah wiggy wiggy ♪

♪ So give it all you got ♪

♪ So give it all you got ♪

- ♪ Turn poop into potatoes ♪
- ♪ Ooh wah wiggy wiggy ♪

♪ Just give yourself a shot ♪

♪ Just give yourself a... ♪

Stop! Seriously, stop.

Sorry, I just, uh, really had
the urge to kill myself again.

But, uh, what about me?
Do I have an impressive job?

Of course.

You're the assistant janitor
at Goopy Goobers.

The head janitor says

that pretty soon they might even let you
clean up the poop all by yourself.

No! No! My life sucks here too?

What do you mean, "My life sucks"?
You're married to Gina.


Yeah. You were
high-school sweethearts, remember?

Kevin, why are you so unaware
of events in this one and only timeline?

So I do have a good life. My plan worked.

I gotta go see my wife.

Hey! Before dinner, who wants
to play a round of Horny Horny Hippos?

Oh! Oh! Oh!


Tonight, it's
the Season 8 premiere of Brickleberry,

the Emmy and NAACP Image
award-winning show.

This season,
Malloy hibernates in Connie's vagina.

I'm home!


I'm so happy to see you...

look different.

Why do you have hair like mine?

And boobs smaller than mine.

Well, don't you remember
we agreed to have my boobs removed

so I could be an archer when we LARPed?

Oh, check this out.

I stood in line seven hours to get
this autographed picture of Kevin Smith.

"Dear Gina, sorry about my movies."

But you hate Kevin Smith. You hate anyone
who loses weight after a heart attack.

Oh, don't be silly, Kevin.

Well, if you need me,
I'll be writing my Pokémon fan fiction

where they're all stand-up comics,
called Jokémon.

Mmm. Uh...

Don't you wanna do something more Gina?

Like break someone's ribs
or add to your violent scrapbook.

The only book I care about is my copy
of Gary Gygax's "Deities and Demigods"

with a Cthulhu Mythos included.

Oh! You wanna play D&D?
I'll go get the dice.

Naruto run!

What is happening?

Naruto run!

All right. Ready to play.

Ooh. But first, we need
to do our Monday night routine.

Naruto run!

Don't tell me the three of us are gonna
sing the "Poo Poo Choo Choo" song.

No, silly.

They're gonna sing it too.

♪ What's that coming down the track? ♪

♪ What's that poking out the back? ♪

♪ Brown or yellow, green or black ♪

♪ It's the poo poo choo choo ♪

♪ Ooh wah wiggy wiggy ♪

♪ What's that coming down the track? ♪

♪ What's that poking out the back... ♪

Have I always been such a pathetic loser?

Please! Stop! The baby!

Happy Kevin Sucks Day!

That's it. I am done!

Yay! You get a cookie!

I don't mean pooping!

Although I did poop.

Look what I did to you, Gina.

Being your husband
made you a beta just like me.

Well, I'm not gonna be that guy anymore!

It's time I set things right.

I'm going back to make sure
I shoot my dad in the balls.

That's weird. He left
without saying goodbye to his kids.

Naruto run!


I have Patton Oswalt disease.

Drop the water gun, Beta Kevin.

- Who are you?
- I'm Alpha Kevin!

Can't you tell by the missing shirtsleeves
and Sharpie tattoo?


Listen to me. I came here from the future,
and you can't save Dad's balls.

What are you talking about? If I don't,
I'll never have a perfect life.

I've already lived that life,
and it's anything but perfect.

You're married to Gina,

and all she wants to do is play D&D,
read comics, and Naruto run everywhere.

I don't understand. Is... is she fat?


Oh no. We don't have much time

until past us walks in
and shoots Dad's nuts.

Mom and Dad are gonna have sex soon.

How do you know?

Because we both know
their foreplay is always the same.

And they are at stage one!

Super-realistic role-playing!

I see the problem. Your coolant is low.

Randall, do we have to do all this?

I'm not Randall.
I'm Felipé, the Australian AC guy.

And you hired me to do a job, 'member?

Oh, well in that case,

maybe there's another job
I could give you.

What are you, crazy?
I can't risk my job for sex with a client!

I got a kid with Patton Oswalt disease.

Those balls have to go.


We don't have time for this!

Dad's already
at the second stage of foreplay!

Antagonizing a cardboard cutout
to assert male dominance!

Listen here, Jerry O'Connell.
Did you eye-fuck my wife?

Okay, O'Connell. Okay, I give up!

I won't let you send me back
to my shitty life!

The only reason you have a shitty life
is that you're a pussy!

Look at you.

You let a group of sex dolls
kick you out of your apartment.

You let your father
take away your own name!

You never stand up for yourself!

But I'm a victim.

No. You're the problem.

And my little brother said
I didn't have the balls to kill myself.

My nut! You shot me in my nut!

Perfect. It's like I was never here.

Oh right. I better hide this body
where no one will find it.

Here we go. No one ever uses this crap.

Kid, if you think this will fuck you up,
wait till Coach Russo gets a hold of you.

Please, let everything be back to normal.

Bullet! You're a drug addict!

Hey, fuck you!

Fitz! You have mental problems!

Hey! Fuck you!

Hobo-Cop, you're not a doctor.

I know. I'm an astronaut.

Look at me!
I'm trying to get a role on Farzar!

Uh, this... this show is a sinking ship.

So you put everything back to normal?

That other reality must have been awful.

Probably full of cancer
and racism and no Brickleberry.

What was I like?


You were fatter. And... and homeless.
And you had a wallet chain.

Oh, that's my nightmare.

Bless you, Kevin,
for your noble, heroic deed.

Well, it's time for me
to take my life back.

I guess I won't be needing this anymore.

Kevin, you stupid sumbitch!
That was a fully functioning time machine!

I got you the Lucky Charms
with no red balloons.

I am appeased.

All right! Everyone out.

Or the next thing
inside you will be my fist!

And not in a sexual way.

Oh! Now you can move.

What are you doing here, AFKAK?

My name is Kevin!

Say it! Say my name.

Kevin! Your name is Kevin!

Jesus, that was intense.

I need to relax with some fancy tea
and the rarely used good china.

What the fuck?!

No! Get it off me! Get it off!
Help! I'm trapped inside it!

There's nowhere to run.

I'm not running this time.

You were right. I did suck.

But I'm not that guy anymore.

And now you're gonna respect me.

And you can start by thanking me.

Because I went back in time and found out
that if I hadn't shot Dad's balls off,

you would have never been born.

Or worse.
You would have been born as one of these.

- ♪ It's fun to have a good time ♪
- ♪ Zang doom diggy diggy ♪

♪ It's nice when you feel good ♪

It's okay. They can't hurt you now.

Thank you, Kevin. For not letting me
be one of those singing fuck faces.

Kevin! We gotta get out of town now!

Norf! I thought you were dead!

So did the guards.

See, my pulse is extremely shallow

because I have the metabolism
of a large turtle.

Yeah. Before they dumped me in a ditch,

I overheard
what Charles Lovely is planning,

and we've gotta leave before he...

The Eternal Reckoning has begun.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Let me have a go, boss.

What the hell is a eternal reckoning?

Sounds like Charles Lovely's
got a lot of 'splainin' to do.

Grab that Ricky! He's escaped!

Naruto run!