Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Fallout - full transcript

after three months living in a sewer,

we smell like the underside
of Jeff Garlin's tits.

Too bad Dusty locked us out
of the bomb shelter.

It was stocked with enough food
to feed the entire town for 25 years.

At least we were able to get down there
fast enough to survive the blast.

Besides, the sewer wasn't that bad.

No, it was great, Kevin.

My favorite part was
when we ran out of rats

and had to resort to eating
Hobo-Cop's beard ticks.

The snack that bites back.

Paradise is totally destroyed.

Uh... I'm so sorry, everybody.

It's not your fault, Fitz.

Uh, yeah, the fuck it is.

How in the hell
are we gonna get rid of a town-size pizza?

Who the fart only put one day's worth
of food in the bomb shelter?

Look! I'm like a flying squirrel!

Pizza's gone!

You know, that was a dee-licious
medium town-size pizza,

but being trapped without food
was the most horrible experience

of my whole entire life ever.

So from now on,
I'll be permanently wearing

my emergency preparedness fridge.

Yeah, I once had a fridge on my back.

William "The Refrigerator" Perry,

turned my ass from a tight end
to a wide receiver.

Gina, we need to talk.

Almost dying
made me realize that life is short,

and that when you like someone,
you should go for it. So...

- Oh, Kevin, I feel the same way.
- You do?

Yes, that's why I'm gonna try
a more romantic approach with Dusty.

I made him a special chair to trick him
into smooshing his taint on my face.

Well, I miss living in the sewer.

I even brewed my own hooch down there.

Yeah, and it was nasty.

I'm pretty sure it made me put my dick
in some real regrettable stuff.

Well, nothing clears up
those pesky regrets

like Hopson's old-fashioned
Fuck It 'N' Forget It.

Hopson, that's Drano.

Who's Hopson?

Guys! I got a problem.

Back to my normal life.

Oh. That feels good, dolphin.

Wait. What the fuck?

I woke up next to a horny dolphin!

Dan Marino?
Boy, could he sneak it up the middle.

You see, that dolphin's your wife.
You married her when you were the Kingpin.

And I say this with all due respect...

So, not only did I deep dish a town,
I deep-dicked a dolphin?

I forgot to get you a wedding present.

Where are you registered?
You know, besides the sex-offender list.

With all due respect, of course.

What's wrong, Chief?

It's my ass polyp.

What did I do?

Not you!

My actual ass polyp.

After three months in the sewer
without my butt cream,

it's more swollen and irritating
than Jeff Garlin's fat, creepy face.

Dad, now seems like a good time
to ask you for some fatherly girl advice.

No, Kevin, you can't get a sock pregnant.
Now get out of my face.

Dad, what are you so mad about?

Gee, I don't know, Kevin.

Maybe it's because it feels like

the circus strongman is
shanking my shitbox,

and our town is a radioactive wasteland!

A slightly radioactive wasteland.

The EPA said most of the radiation settled
around Lake Paradise.

Hey, don't you know about the radiation?

Hell, yeah, I know about Ray the Asian.

He banned me from the laundromat
for sniffing panties.

You probably should've let his wife
take 'em off first, Robby.

The lake is hazardous!

That beekeeper don't know shit.

This lake is fun, man!

Look at this cool-ass fish.
It's got thumbs.


What in the hell did we hit?

An island. And it wasn't here before.
The explosion must've formed it.

If it's newly formed land,

we can claim it as ours
and start our own country.

We need a name for our new country.
Got any ideas?

How about Neverland?

Do I look like I fuck boys?

- Yeah.
- For real?

What is it?
The mustache, the glasses, or the shirt?

It's a combination, really.


You know what?
I'm gonna try to be less creepy.

And by the way,
this country shall be called Twatemala.

I told you this pair of Ray the Asian's
wife's panties would come in handy.

Yeah, you're a regular Jeff Garlin, Robby.

you sure this island ain't dangerous?

There ain't a damn thing dangerous
on this island

except that mutated flying alligator.


Wait a minute...

Ow. Ow.

Shit like this
makes me proud to be Twatemalan.

Oh, Randall, you horny devil, I'm working.

Hey, I'm only here for my rectal exam.

So, do you want me to play doctor
or be doctor?

Never mind. I'll do both.

Ah! Oh my God!

Randall, have you been
doing anything unusual with your ass?

Answer truthfully.

No, just the usual stuff.

Kiss my ass, mushroom cloud!

Well, the radiation from the nuclear blast
has mutated your ass polyp

into something terrifying.

What the fuck? Kill it! Kill it!

Right, let me run and grab my scalpel,
and I'll take care of that butthead.

Please don't kill me.

Who said that? Wait a minute.

Please don't kill me!

We could be best friends.
I'll be your polyp pal.

Well, you are kind of a cute little devil.

So are you, good-looking!

Oh! Talking ass polyp,
flattery will get you everywhere.

Okay, Chief,
time to get your head out of your ass.

Hey, where'd he go?

I don't know,
but I need a little help, Doc.

Worth it.

♪ I got a friend who lives down low ♪

♪ He spends his time
Where the sun don't show ♪

♪ I got a friend who's big and strong ♪

♪ I share a driveway with his dong ♪

♪ We're... ♪

♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ We stick together
When things get muddy ♪

- ♪ We are... ♪
- ♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ You started where I fart ♪

♪ But I found a way into your heart ♪

♪ We're... ♪

♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ Butt buddies ♪

Mm. That smells yummy.

Aw. You want some, little buddy?

- ♪ We're... ♪
- ♪ Butt... ♪

♪ Buddies! ♪

Oh, fuck, yeah.

She's a dolphin, Fitz.

Just tell her you want a divorce
and don't take...

...for an answer.

I've got something to tell you.

What? No!

We joke about unplanned pregnancy,
kids, but remember,

when you get old enough
to have sex with your first dolphin,

don't go downtown.

They shit out of their pussy.

Wow, you're getting big, little buddy!
And more handsome.

Thank you, Chief.

What? What the hell?

What are you doing?

Well, you were still asleep,
so I thought I'd make you breakfast.

- How do you like your eggs?
- Uh, not made by an ass polyp?

Okay. So not Denny's style.

Look, polyp, I like you, but don't ever
take control of my body again.

Randall, don't forget you promised
to take me to see Hamilton tonight.

What? No, I only agreed to that

'cause I thought we were all
about to die in a nuclear explosion,

which would be less excruciating
than going to fucking Hamilton!

For just one night,
could you not be an asshole?

Shit, would I do anything
to get out of Hamilton.

It's got everything I hate.

History lessons, rap music,
Puerto Ricans dressed like vampires.

Oh, Randall, why don't I take her?

You could pop an Ambien
and sleep through the whole thing.

Holy shit, that's brilliant,
you little brain in my ass.

I could just kiss you
if I could reach you.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, Karen!
I was trying to, uh, kiss my own asshole.

- Good save, Chief.
- That could've been weird.



Kiss your own asshole.

You're a good boy!
I'ma gonna call you William.

Think you could ask William
to give me my good hand back?

Appreciate it, William.

Robby, we should discuss the philosophy
for our new country.

What do you mean our country?

Twatemala's my country
'cause I'm the king of this bitch.

Why do you get to be king?

It's either me or that little cripple
with the bowl cut.

Well, that'd be a real "fuck you"
to the audience.

Hamilton has agreed to donate
all the proceeds from the show

to my Rebuild Paradise initiative.
Ooh, I'm so excited!

Oh. Whoa! Oh, oh!

Me too, darling. My human head
cannot wait to see this show.

There's something different about you.

Sugarplum, have I ever told you

that you are the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen?

And by "different," I do mean better.

Excuse me. Just squeezing through here.
Thanks so much.

Ah! You crushed my legs!

"Ah! My legs is crushed!"
Put some ice on it, crybaby!

Randall, this is the front row!

Normally, you buy the discounted
bathroom-smell tickets in the back.

I sprung for the upgrade.
Nothing's too good for you.

Who are you,
and what have you done with my husband?

Huh? I... I... I'm certainly not sitting
on his face right now!

I'm a human head.

Here comes Alexander Hamilton!

♪Yo, yo. I'm Alexander Hamil... ♪


He's dead!

Lin-Manuel Miranda's dead!

Who the hell plugged an extension cord
on the stage?

Calm down! Just put an ice pack

on that little
Puerto Rican vampire pussy of yours.

Sorry, everyone.

I guess we have to cancel the show,

unless, by some miracle,
someone could fill in?

Oh. I was really
looking forward to the show.

I guess we have to go home.

Not so fast.

♪ My name is Alexander Hamilton
Not a talking polyp, man ♪

♪ My Federalist philosophy
Deep like a colonoscopy ♪

♪ Kill the king dead
Force him out like a turtle head ♪

♪ Throw your feet in the air
And stand up on your hands ♪

♪ What's my motherfuckin' name? ♪

♪ Alexander Hamilton! ♪

Huh? Uh? What the hell?

Republican Jesus, save us!

That son of a bitch is
tongue-dartin' my wife!


Be right back!

How dare you go down on my wife!

Now she's gonna expect me to do it!

You will never control my body again.

Oh, no,
I think you have that ass-backwards!

You'll never control my body again.

I suffered years of your abuse.

What kind of cheap bastard
buys toilet paper from the 99-cent store?

But now I can finally have my revenge!

I'm gonna make you watch
as I take your family from you!

No! I won't let you!


Ha! I'm stronger than you.

Let's see how you like Mr. Scratchy's!

Where'd you go, hot stuff?

Karen, remember
when you wanted to try pegging?

Well, I'm ready.

Don't hold back now. I can take it.

♪ King Robby is the mighty king ♪

♪ He's got a 12-pound ding-a-ling ♪

♪ King Robby rules all the land ♪

♪ When he needs to nut
He grabs my hand ♪

I know, William. That song sucked.

Damn, you wrote it, Robby.

William, have a hot dog,
and a hot dog to wash down that hot dog.

And a hot dog to wash down that hot dog,
and a hot dog to wash down that hot dog.

Robby, you might wanna ration
them hot dogs. That's all the food we got.

Shut up, peasant!
You think your king is stupid enough

to feed our entire country's food supply
to a flying alligator?

Your hot dog pocket's empty, ain't it?

No, uh, I feel one wiener in there,
but it's stuck.

Maybe if I keep tugging it...

The king done cum.

My wife is pregnant.

This just keeps getting better.
You dolphin-fucking weirdo!

- With all due respect.
- Bullet, that's not helpful.

Don't worry. I got just what you need
to deal with the situation.

- What's wrong with you?
- All right, hold on.

I was gonna say we use this
to break into a car

and drive to another state
where abortions are legal.

No, I'm gonna do the right thing here.

After what I did to the town,
I need to do everything I can

to be a better person.

Stop it! You're so bad!

You little devil,
you let me win every match.

Oh, I didn't let you win, darling.

It's this damn tennis knee...
Elbow. Tennis elbow.

Do you want a mint?

Chief, I know you're gonna yell at me,
but could I have the day off?

I'm supposed to meet my wife's parents,
and I need to learn to breathe underwater.

Sure you can have the day off, Fitz.

Really? Why are you being so nice?

Life's too short to be angry all the time.

I mean, we're all human heads here, right?

Anyone else notice that a polyp
took over Chief's body?

Kevin, my favorite son.

Sorry I snapped at you earlier.

How's about a little father-son time later
so I can give you that girl advice?

Seriously? That'd be great, Dad.

Hear ye. Hear ye.

I present the smoker of crack,
the getter of welfare,

the stealer of Amazon packages,
the haver of peter cheese,

King Robby of Twatemala.

I, King Robby, hereby demand that
Paradise hand over all hot dogs at once

or risk war...

Wiener war.

Well, I'm sure we can solve this amicably.

Let me handle this, Chief.

I happen to be the owner
of 90% of Paradise's wiener supply,

and I got a little counteroffer.

Oh, shit.

Retreat! Retreat!

Robby, wait for me!

Fuck off, Delbert!

What a lovely reef you have here,
Mom and Dad.

Can I call you Mom and Dad?

Anyway, I brought some wine.

I don't know what I thought
was gonna happen.

Who the fuck is this?

'Sup, Mr. D, Miss D?

You speak English?

I speak four languages.

I studied at Chico State,
which doesn't seem like a great school

until you remember that I'm a dolphin.

You obviously brought him here
to break us up,

but it ain't gonna work
because we're in love.

Hey, was that the Fitz Bitz guy?

I saw him on TV.

He said dolphins shit out their pussy.
Is that true, Miss D?

About time you got your lazy ass back.
Now, listen, we got a wiener war to fight.

And by we, I mean you.

You expect me
to fight this wiener war all by myself?

Can I at least take William with me?

Hell, no. I ain't sendin' William

to get killed in some madman's wiener war.

Damn it, we don't even have any weapons.

What do you call this?

- A pencil.
- For real?

I should write that down. But with what?

Anyway, Sir Delbert,

you're gonna take this here pin-kill,

and you're gonna bring me back
that fat cop's head.

Okay, okay,
but can I at least take Fonzie Fish?


Bone spurs!

You may take my life,

but the Jews are responsible
for all the wars!

What? I'm quoting Mel Gibson,
that Jew-hating drunk.



Enough blood has been spilled...

out of my chafed nipples.

If you just give me
a few packs of them hot dogs,

we could end this wiener war.

You got yourself a deal.
Let there be peace.

Robby's gonna be real mad
if I don't bring back your head.

- You don't happen to have an extra one?
- An extra head?

You think I got one growing out of my ass
or something? What is this, Crazy Town?

Oh, hey, Chief.

Hey, Dusty. I'm a human head.

I know you are.

That's my boss.

You know, this is the first time
we've ever done this.

So, tell me about your girl trouble, son.


Well, I like Gina,

but I don't think I'll ever get anywhere
with her while Dusty is around.

- Ah, why don't we just kill him?
- What?

Er, kidding! Kidding!

Heh. Human heads
can't go around killing people.

Look, I'll talk to Dusty.
I think I can work this whole thing out.

Heh. I'm a human head.

Really? Thanks, Dad.

I don't say this enough, but I love you.

Here comes a fast one.

Aaay! Go fuck yourself-amundo.

That's some throw, Dad.

Well, 'cause he's got feet for hands.

See, that... that's not your father.

It's a... a sentient polyp.

Well, we better go, Dad.
It's getting late.

I guess I was being silly
for thinking everyone would judge us.

I should've known
that this is not that kind of town.

The baby's coming! It's time!

We gotta get to the hospital!

Take my wife, please.

Thanks, horse fucker.

Breathe, baby,
just like we learned in Lamaze class.

In through the snout,
out through the spout.

- I'm glad you could be here, Bullet.
- Hey, no problem, buddy.

I'm just getting paid to FaceTime this
to Joe Biden.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Good, Mrs. Dolphin Fitzgerald.

Your vag-anus is fully dilated. Now push.

Well, you just gave birth
to a beautiful baby... something.

Pretty sure it made me put my dick
in some real regrettable stuff.

Real regrettable stuff.

I love fucking this dolphin!

Oh! I'm never gonna forget
fucking this dolphin!

Uh, look, Fitz, I can explain.

You are gonna die...

when you see how cute my baby boy is!

Don't he look just like me?

Yeah. He has your, uh, your furry tail,
your wet nose. Look at that.

Well, that one I remember.
Ugh, I gotta call my sponsor.

Robby, not only did I get your wieners,

I got them through diplomacy
rather than bloodshed.

Well, I kinda wanted bloodshed,
but at least you got something.

Man, these are turkey dogs!

But, damn, they're all natural.
No nitrates.

Fuck you, Delbert!
Nitrates are the best part.

You're a shitty king, Robby.

Bossing me around,

not appreciating me,
making me touch your peter

when I don't want to,
and not letting me touch it when I do.

- I'd be a better king than you.
- Get your damn hands off my crown!

Hey, stop touchin' my crown!
Get off me, man!

- What's the matter with...
- My damn...

All hail King William.

Still makes more sense
than the Game of Thrones finale.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Kevin, what kind of perv are you?

What are you doing?

Duh. Trying to get a look
at Dusty's stubby chubby,

but he hasn't shown up to work yet.

Huh. That's weird.
Dusty never misses Fritter Friday.

Kevin, have you seen your dad?
He said, and I quote,

"I'll meet you there at 4 p.m."

Hmm. I haven't,
and Dusty seems to be missing too.

I'll call Dad.

Hey, Dad, have you seen Dusty?

Yeah. I'm at his place right now.

Uh, turns out,
Dusty's agreed to leave town forever,

so everything will be better
with you and Gina.

Bye! I'm a human head!

Come on, end call, you stupid thing!

- Holy crap! Dad's gonna kill Dusty!
- Why would he do something like that?

'Cause he's a goddamn polyp!

We'll figure this out somehow.
We better get to Dusty's.

- Dad, don't do it!
- Kevin, it's not what it looks like!

We're, we're... writing a Dexter musical.


- Gonna be bigger than Hamilton.
- That explains it.

- Makes sense.
- We'll let you get back to it.

Don't listen to him!
He's an evil ass polyp!

What the fuck?

How could no one have noticed this?

You people are fucking assholes.

Oh, shit!

You won't take my family,
you goddamn polyp!

Kevin, Karen, search your feelings.

I may just be a talking ass polyp,

but you know I've been a better father
and husband than he ever was.

Lance him,
and we'll have a great life together.

He's right. I have been an asshole.

I watched that polyp be better to you
than I've ever been.

I deserve to be lanced.

Wait, I made out with an ass polyp?

And he went down...

No, Dad. You may be
the biggest asshole in the room,

but you're still my dad, and I choose you.

Yeah, me too.

I really do have
the greatest family on earth.

You two don't know what's best for you.

If you won't lance
this pathetic bastard's head,

I'll do it for you.

♪ King William won the Wiener War ♪

♪ He ate the fat man's anal sore ♪

♪ King William's enemies all have fallen ♪

♪ Their wieners
Will feed each Twatemalan ♪

Yeah, we getting weird this season.

♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ We stick together
When things get muddy ♪

- ♪ We are... ♪
- ♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ You started where I fart ♪

♪ But I found a way into your heart ♪

♪ We're... ♪

♪ Butt buddies ♪

♪ Butt buddies ♪

- ♪ We're... ♪
- ♪ Butt... ♪

♪ Buddies ♪