Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Operation DD - full transcript

After learning Fitz isn't quite what he seems, the squad races to stop their real enemy -- and save Paradise from a nuclear disaster.

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How the hell did he find us?

Oh, we're so fucked!

We're completely and utterly fucked
and we're all gonna die!

Oh, morning, sunshine!

What is happening, you guys?

You blacked out on grain alcohol
and missed the whole crossover.

With Big Mouth?

No! Brickleberry.

Oh. Pfft.

Family Guy in the woods? Meh.

Now Fitz's weird
Patton Oswalt-lookin' goon



has tracked us down
and he's trying to kill us!

But there's five of you and one of him.

He's a thug, Karen.

He probably has a gun.

Uh, you're cops. Don't you all have guns?

Stop shelling!

I'm not here to kill you!

But aren't you the Kingpin's henchperson?

Very woke, but no.

The Kingpin only thinks I work for him.

I'm actually Fitzgerald's psychologist

from Chicago.

Sorry. Chicago makes me think of improv
and I fucking hate improv!

As I was saying, I'm his psychologist



from Chicago.

Sorry. Chicago makes me think of hot dogs,

and I got really excited
and pulled the trigger.

Listen!

The Fitz you know is not responsible

for all the horrors
the Kingpin has rained down on Paradise.

Gerald Fitzgerald is trapped
in a horrific prison

in his own mind.

I never thought I'd say this, but...

I'm sick of pussy.

Oh, God!

I think it's time you all learned
about the Chicago incident.

It was Christmas Day.

Gerald Fitzgerald
was the best cop in Chicago.

Low bar,

but he had become obsessed
with taking down a crime boss

known as the Kingpin.

He was the most vile, hated monster
Chicago had ever seen

since Jim Belushi.

Fitzgerald finally got the drop
on the Kingpin

when he tried to pull a heist
at the bomb factory.

Kingpin, we got you surrounded.

Let the tour group hostages go.

Not 'til you meet my demands.

I want a hundred million dollars
and a getaway vehicle,

a stealth bomber piloted by Mike Ditka.

Hmm, reasonable. What else?

One Chicago deep dish pizza.

Are you fucking insane?

You like that slop
with the cheese on the bottom?

You wipe your ass before you shit, too?

I'm the Chicago Kingpin!

I'm fat, my sports teams suck,

and I'm irrationally particular
about my pizza!

You get me that deep dish

or we all go boom!

Not too fast, Thester.

Build the tension.

Build the tension.

- Are the puppets really necessary?
- Yes.

- Can I play with them later?
- No.

Oh. Fuck my life!

One Chicago deep dish pizza.

No need to check it.

The fuck is this bullshit?

It's Christmas Day!

Nothing's open except Little Caesars.

So I stacked up three "Hot-N-Readys"
and shook the box.

This is on you!

No!

Oh, my God, he's alive!

Gerald was the sole survivor
of the explosion,

thanks to Little Caesar's
"hurt locker" -like crust.

But the guilt
over the deaths of the hostages

fractured his mind into two personalities:

Fitzgerald and the Kingpin.

I told you I wanted deep dish!

I, the Kingpin,

will get you back for this, Fitzgerald.

Oh! It's all my fault.
Those people died because of me.

Pizza, pizza.

I attempted to cure Gerald
by trapping the Kingpin persona.

I created a prison in his own mind
called Pussyland,

that was based on a children's song
my nana sang to me.

♪ Pussy, pussy, pussyland ♪

♪ Where the trees are made of cunts ♪

We don't care about your nana puppet!
Get on with it!

This ain't a puppet.
This is my actual nana.

I missed her,
so I dug her up and had her stuffed.

She was a small woman,
but had a big heart.

That's what killed her.

I thought Gerald was cured,

but I didn't realize that the Kingpin
was taking over his mind every night...

until the day he escaped.

Turns out rambling psychopaths
don't make the best artists,

but enough about Jim Carrey.
Ahh!

Anyway, when you first met him,

he was Fitzgerald by day
and the Kingpin by night,

but since his clown coma,

Fitzgerald has been trapped
in Pussyland permanently.

So, how do we get him out of there?

Absolutely impossible.

Unless you happen to have a device
that will allow you to enter him.

Yeah, which one you want?
I got the Devastator, the Dildozer,

and my personal favorite,
the King Schlong Donkey-Dong.

I think he meant a device
to enter his mind, Hopson.

Like this one I took from Dr. Kuzniak.

Oh, I get it.

So you're pretending to work for Fitz
so you can cure him.

Yeah, but when I found out about
the nuclear weapons under Paradise,

I had to warn you.

Paradise doesn't have nukes.

Actually, it does.

I cut a deal with the US government.

They get to stockpile defective missiles
under Paradise

and I got to write
the Game of Thrones finale.

I even got the launch codes.

Fucking Obama.

- Yep, that's how I got the launch codes.
- Wh... What?

I don't care if we may die
in a nuclear blast.

If there's a chance we can save Fitz,
we have to try.

Fitz has put together
an army of flipper people.

We don't stand a chance.

I'll bet Woody
and the Brickleberry Rangers will help us.

Kevin, we couldn't license them
for more than one episode, you idiot.

Oh, yeah? Well, then who are these guys?

Hey!

I'm Pauly Swanson

and we're here
from Bronckleberry National Plurk.

Goddamn these lawyers!
He can't even say "park."

Kingpin, we need to talk.

I heard about the nuclear weapons

and I'm not taking orders
from you anymore.

Oh...

...I think you will.

Don't forget,
I have something you care about.

Beautiful family you got here.

It'd be a shame if something happened...

to this photo of them!

You monster!

That's my only copy.

I bet you wish
you bought that digital photo CD...

don't ya?

You know how hard it is
to get the perfect family photo?

You know how many times
we'd get dressed up nice

just to have a kid
drop Go-Gurt on his shirt?

Or my wife smear lipstick on her teeth
that I failed to notice?

And if you manage to make it
to Sears' portrait studio in one piece,

what are the odds that not a single person
is gonna blink,

or get red-eye,
or put up some goddamn bunny ears?

In that case,

it'd be a shame...

if someone blacked out
your daughter's tooth,

or drew a mustache on the baby,

or a cartoon fart

coming out of your wife's ass!

Okay! I'll do what you say,

you goddamn maniac!

Since we're all probably gonna die,
I want to get some things off my chest.

Mom, Dad,

it was wrong to take Fitz's side
over both of you, and I'm sorry.

No need to apologize, Kevin.

We never expect you
to be more than a dumb fuck.

That's just who you are.

Thanks.

Wait a minute!

Maybe you two should apologize

for all the selfish, horrible things
you've done to me.

And for being shitty parents.

We are not shitty parents.

You never even bothered
to give me a middle name.

We tried, okay?

But the nurse said it was a racial slur.

What in Dusty's blessed butthole is this?

Gina, this is called a "wall."

It's how China
kept the Mexican White Walkers out.

Why the hell would the Kingpin
build a wall around Paradise?

I don't know,
but if we're going to find out,

we got to figure a way to get over it.

Maybe we should check Dusty's folds, huh?

Good idea, Bullet.

Yeah, I was, uh, kidding.

The shit stick!

How's that thing gon' get us over a wall?

We ain't gonna make it!

Uh, this is Paradise Air Traffic Control.
Everything okay up there?

Negative, Tower.

I got five passengers and a service dog
on a flying fat guy.

We're low on fuel.

Copy that. Flying fat guy, low on fuel.

Wait, what the fuck?

He burned through that cold can of ravioli
faster than we thought he would.

He's down to spurts and squirts.

Roger.
Can you make it to Teeterboro?

Negative, gotta put her down.
Brace for impact.

That's the Kingpin's new headquarters,

but in order to get to him,
you'll have to get through them.

Flipper people can't even make fists.
They're pushovers.

Not anymore.

The Kingpin upgraded them
with state-of-the-art weaponry.

Wait, there's a manhole!

And look, there's one
right next to the tower.

That's my smart little dumb fuck!

We could crawl through there
and we won't have to fight them after all.

All right, time's up. Let's do this.

Gina-a-a Jabowski-i-i!

That bitch just ran in.

Goddamn it, Gina!

It's too many of them!
We're not gonna make it.

Gina, tase me in the chest.

- What?
- Just do it!

Oh, my God, he's dead.

Get some, bitches!

Dusty! Thank God you're okay.

What's that sound?

That's just my heart screaming.

His little ass
will get tired in a minute.

Quick, to the tower!

This is a perfect time

for Nana to finish her little song
about Pussyland.

♪ If you wish to visit there ♪

♪ Just lift my dress and part the hair ♪

Fuck you, Nana!

Good job
leading them into my trap, Thester.

So you're not on our side?

I was until you punched my nana.

Now that you are all here,

I can finally tell you my evil plan.

Why does Hopson have an erection?

I get fear boners.

Anyway,
I'm finally gonna get my revenge

by killing Officer Fitzgerald
and everyone he cares about

in the most satisfying way possible.

Now to enact Operation DD,

aka Operation Deep Dish!

And now to arm the nukes
to cook this town

in 30 minutes or less.

You're turning Paradise
into a giant pizza?

That's really...

stupid.

That's dumb as shit, man.

I mean, it would make sense if I did it.

We are going to die
inside of a fucking pizza.

Oh, did Obama let you write
this finale, too, Karen?

Maybe we can stop the nuke.

There's an emergency fail-safe station
in Town Square,

but it requires
the current mayor's retinal scan.

So we got to break ourselves out of here,

free Fitz from his brain-pussy prison,

and get him there in less than 25 minutes.

Then we'd better get busy.

Clappers? Huh!

There's no way we're trusting you.
You work for the Kingpin.

I had no choice. He had my family...

photo.

Is there no limit to his insanity?

But I still can't trust you.

You want me to earn your trust? Fine.

Tell me what you feel.

Violated! Conflicted!

It's... Well, it's growing on me.

Wait. "Trust."

I feel trust.

Clappers, you're on the team.

Now convince my tonsils to trust you.

There's a good chance
we won't stop the nuke.

Dusty and Bullet, try to save
as many of the townspeople as you can.

Get them to the bomb shelter.

We need to get the Legion of Dooooom
away from Fitz somehow,

so I can connect the brain device.

I'm on it.

Hey, uh, boss, HR is on the phone.

They say all the employees have to go
to mandatory sexual harassment training.

Good. I don't stand for sexual harassment.

Now, get your tight,
sweet little ass down there.

♪ Welcome to sexual harassment training ♪

Fuck, yeah!

♪ Who cares about orders of restraining? ♪

Not me!

♪ When you're done with this class
You'll know how to harass ♪

♪ It's the only way
To make work entertaining ♪

Wait, you're teaching us how to harass?

What don't you understand
about "sexual harassment training"?

You guys are scumbags, right?
We thought you'd love it.

♪ You may think that we are monsters ♪

♪ And, yes, that might be true ♪

♪ But one thing we believe in ♪

♪ Is #MeToo ♪

One! Two! Three! Four!

♪ Bad guys ♪

♪ Don't have to be bad at being guys ♪

♪ Bad guys ♪

♪ Don't have to be bad at being guys ♪

♪ I might kidnap a baby
And cut off its ear ♪

♪ But I'd never, ever snap
His mother's brassiere ♪

♪ I may kill a hundred cops
With a bullet barrage ♪

♪ But I'd never give a female
An unwanted massage ♪

♪ I'll chop up a victim
Until he is dead ♪

♪ But I won't tell a coworker
My twat needs to be fed ♪

You said that to me this morning!

♪ Bad guys ♪

♪ Don't have to be bad at being guys ♪

♪ Bad guys ♪

♪ Don't have to be bad at being guys ♪

♪ I may have sex
with my taxidermied nana... ♪

The song is over, isn't it?

Okay, let's just...

put a pin in that.

Attention, citizens of Paradise!

No big deal,

I just need everybody to scoot
your little butts to the bomb shelter.

What do we got to get
to the bomb shelter for?

Well, you see, Robby, the mayor's
turning the town into a giant pizza.

No, he ain't.

Mayor Fitzgerald just tweeted
"Witch hunt. There is no pizza."

Do you have proof of this fake news pizza?

No, just that you're dick deep
in marinara sauce.

Oh, now you libtards
expect me to believe my own eyes?

I actually saw this coming.

This just in.

Crooked Hillary
wants to prevent Robby and Delbert

from entering the bomb shelter.

Oh, hell, no she ain't!

Don't take another step,

or I'll glue your family photo
into this "World's Best Grandma" frame

and it won't make any sense.

Oh, my God!

There are fingerprints all over it!

Tell my family I'm sorry.

Ain't that a bitch?

I can't hold him much longer.

Get Dr. Duckfucker's device!

Hey, HDMI.

There's a lock on the door
that looks like nothing I've ever seen.

The only way to get in is to get me off.

We're fucked.

Now, do not worry,

'cause you all gonna be safe
from the atomic apocalypse

once we get y'all in this bomb shelter.

Dusty, small problem.

This bomb shelter
only holds like 30 people.

Or you. You're fat.

I guess I'll have to interview everyone

and decide which citizens
are worthy enough to get in.

Our new society's gonna need a doctor.
I gotta get my pills from somebody.

Well, you are a fine citizen,
Dr. Funtlichter.

You did help me
get my cholesterol down to four digits.

But, on August 4th, 1999,

I bent down to tie my shoe
and split my pants and you laughed at me,

so you get to die a fiery death.

Bye. Next.

Okay, Dusty. Surely you can understand

how important it would be
to have a chef in the shelter.

You're fat.

Oh, yeah!

No, I know you.

I heard you donate all that food
to the homeless.

But, three days ago,

I bent down to get a half-eaten wonton
out the gutter,

split my pants and you laughed at me.

Have fun in hell, bitch!

Bye!

Well, Dusty, this is your grandmother.

I'm guessing she gets a free pass.

Oh, Grandma.

Well, jeez,
I mean, you basically raised me.

And when my diabetes
sent me into renal failure,

you gave me one your kidneys.

But, when I was only six days old,

I split my diaper and you laughed at me.

So have fun turning into dust,
you goddamn bitch.

Bye!

What do I do?

It's so confusing.

Kevin, this is Mommy.

You need to gently caress the clitoris.

The cli-what?

Slap it, Kevin. Slap it!
Women like it when you slap it.

No, we don't!

Yell into it! Real loud!
Try to make it echo.

Let me handle this!

Grab the lips and make it flap around
like a manta ray.

Shut up, Randall!

Kevin, the vagina has different parts.

Three parts, Kevin -
the labia, the thorax and the teeth.

You two shut up. I got this.

Nothing's more sensual
than sparkling conversation.

Now here's why My Hero Academia
is one of the better anime

in Japan's new renaissance. It...

So dry!

So that's what a female orgasm
looks like!

Kevin! Is it really you?

It is, Fitz.

I'm here to bring you home.

Well, let's get the hell out of here.

What is that?

He found us.

What are you doing out of pussy prison?

I've gotten stronger.

Maybe instead of sending you
back to prison,

I'll just destroy you!

You changed the channel
right at the best part!

It was getting too scary.

What is this?

Well, it's completely empty.

Must be Kevin's brain.

Ooh! Maybe we'll get to see
all the great memories he has of us.

Come on, Kevin. Show Daddy a memory.

Well, our divorce is final.

Oh, Karen, what happened to us?

Hun, people grow apart.

Ha! Just kidding.
We both know it's Kevin's fault.

Yeah. Hey, maybe I can finally
give him a middle name.

Kevin "I Shoulda Pulled Out" Crawford.

Or, Kevin
"I Wish I'd Swallowed Him" Crawford.

Yeah, Karen, I wish I'd swallowed him.

After all,
I did swallow most of his brothers.

Kevin, what a loser.

How do you want to do custody?
You take him all the time?

I'll see you in court about that!

I know you were laughing
when I split my pants!

Don't you try to tell me it was just gas.

You can have fun
using Satan's peter as a pacifier,

you toothless, little bald fuck.

Bye!

All right. Okay.

Let me get this straight.

Every single person in this town has,
at some point,

laughed at you for splitting your pants?

Yeah, everyone... except you, Bullet.

So come on, let's get in the bomb shelter.
At least we gon' be safe.

Oopsie. Dropped the key.

Argh, I split my pants!

A bird flew into my ass!
He's inside of there,

scratching the living shit
outta my B-hole!

Now there's two birds in my ass!

Ooh! They're either fighting
or fucking in there!

Get outta there, you birds!

Maybe I can smother them
on this tiny tricycle.

Why the fuck is this happening to me?

Ha.

Et tu, Bullé?

Fitz! Fight back!

He's too strong!

He's like God here.

This is your brain, Fitz.

You are God here!

Ah! Officer Fitzgerald
still has some fight left.

I guess you've forgotten about
the 12 people who you got killed!

No!

You can't carry this guilt, Fitz.

You'll never defeat the Kingpin if you do.

But they died because of me.

Wait a minute.

These are all Instagram influencers.

And look!

This is Logan and Jake Paul's
third brother, Chaz Paul.

He was the worst one.

Fitz, dare I say,
you did the world a favor.

What up, Chaz-holes.
The inside of this brain is lit, fam.

Smash that "like" button
and I'll say the n-word.

Holy shit. I did do the world a favor.

I am God here!

Wow, Fitz.

You could have just killed him,
but you gave him a female orgasm.

Ah, Fitz is back!

What you all want first?
A Fitz bit or a piccolo song?

We've got five minutes to get you
to Town Square or we're all dead!

Oh, perfect.

This song is only three-and-a-half
minutes.

Is it too late to get the other guy back?

Here it is.

Yeah, I disabled that shit.

If you're seeing this,
I guess you defeated me,

but the Kingpin is getting the last laugh.

We're all gonna die.

I'm so sorry we were shitty parents.

It's okay.

I love you anyway.

Kevin, here.

I always carry a copy
of your birth certificate,

just in case I need to steal your identity
and fuck my way through Thailand.

I think it's finally time
to give you a middle name,

after my grandfather, Pubesalad.

Aw, thanks, Dad.

Wait.

"Pube Salad?"

My name is Kevin Pube Salad Crawford?

Can I just go back
to having no middle name?

No, you can't, Pube Salad.

Dobby, Dobby.

Dobby!

Oh, it's great to see you, buddy!

Too bad we're all gonna die.

If only we had some way to fly up there

and knock that nuke off course.

Dad, isn't that your old police chopper?

That just might work.

It'd be a suicide mission for the pilot,
but it'd save everybody else.

I started out as a fake hero,

but I want to die as a real hero.

I'll go.

Kevin, I have never been prouder of...

Dobby!

Look! He's doing it like a real hero!

Dobby! Dobby!

Dobby rules! Kevin sucks!
Come on, everybody.

Dobby rules! Kevin sucks!

Dobby rules! Kevin sucks!

Oh, Dobby.

Huzzah! Oh, I knew you could do it.

I knew you could stop
both the Kingpin's nukes.

Wait, there are two nukes?

Yeah, there's the other one right there.