Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Karla - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Whoo! I love you, Carbortion Wrex!

Ha! My mom said this would be
a horrible place to take a blind date,

but you're having fun, right?

Ow! Actually, Kevin, I'm not...

Sh, sh. Here comes his signature move,
the morning-after kill.

- Aren't you glad you swiped right?
- I should head out. I have an early start.

Carbortion! Carbortion!

Oh, they're bringing out the coat hanger!

Hey, your hair smells pr...

Dammit, Robbie, I knew you ate
my Choconators.

All right, you got me.
You can have 'em back.


Hey, sorry about your dress.
Let me rinse that off for you.

Ugh! That's it! I'm leaving.

Okay, fine. At least let me
drive you home in my police car.

Wait, you have a police car?

The force couldn't afford to give me
a squad car so I souped up my own.

Um, what's that smell?

That'll either be me...
Or my toilet.

Why is there a homeless man
in your backseat

with a mayonnaise jar full of shit?

Don't worry, that's Hobo-Cop.
He's between bridges right now.

Why don't we plan our second date?
Do you like Katherine Heigl movies?

That's it. I'm out of here.


I'll call you!
I should rush home to call her.

Hobo-Cop, hit the siren.

Stop and go. Not fast, but slow.

Mm-hmm, come on.

Oh, a butterfly!

Don't worry, everybody,
the butterfly is okay.

Urgh, that's just a stupid old moth.

What is it, Mom?
What don't girls like about me?

It's important to understand
that all women are different.

Some may be turned off
by your whiny lady voice,

some won't like being puked on

while a white trash car monster
eats an Oldsmobile.

Carbortion Wrex is not a car monster, Mom.

He's a car dinosaur, duh!

Everything you're saying right now
is vagina poison.

Achtung! The new poll results are in
and they do not look good for you.

Kevin, this is Anton, my pollster.
He worked on Hillary Clinton's campaign.

And now somehow I'm able to get him.

Honey, I don't want to beat off
around the bush,

but I haven't seen polls in this
much trouble since the Blitzkrieg.

Karen, who is this weak-chinned pile
of vagina poison?

Anton, this is my son, Kevin.

Oh, of course, Kevin.
Love you, let's do lunch.

Now scoot. Don't come back.

What are you doing? You can't be seen
with him. He's a loser guy.

Kevin really polls that bad?

Agh! Look at him! Can't get a girlfriend,
can't stop a crime.

Mel Gibson tests better at the bagel shop
near the Wailing Wall.

Anton, you're talking about my son!

Don't shoot your load on the messenger.

Could you at least try to improve
gay Archie's image?

- Start by getting him a new car.
- What's wrong with that car?

Uh, Kevin.
Your toilet paper's running away.

I swear to God, Dusty,
you can't do anything right.

I give you one simple job and you turn
my police station into a chicken coop.

Chief, I could not just leave
Feather Locklear and Macaulay Cluckin

out there in the middle of that road.

Dusty, I hate you.
The entire town hates you.

I'll bet even Cluck Norris hates you.

Last time I was surrounded
by this many cocks,

I was a fluffer
on the set of 12 Angry Men.

12 relaxed men when I got done with them.

What's up with the chickens?

They ain't hurting a thing.

Why the hell did someone give this chicken
a handgun?!

'Cause the chicken's wings are too small
to hold a shotgun, silly.

Chief, hey, look at this.
This is a Woofmaster Deluxe Dog House.

I figure that,
hey, I deserve my own place,

somewhere I can yank my snossage
without Hopson offering to help,

except you've never paid me a single cent
and I want my money!

Okay, I understand.
But first, let me ask you a question.

Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

Not gonna work. No way. Mm-mm.
Not this time, Chief. Not! This! Time!

Ooh, I've got a rubber, squeaky pork chop.
You want to get paid in that? Ha-ha!

No. But yes! Goddamn it, you play dirty.

I guess their wings are big enough
after all.

Damn it, Dusty!
Get rid of these goddamn chickens!

Okay! Don't worry,
my little fine-feathered friends,

you're all going to a much better place.

Hey, this is good, Dusty. Really good.
You finally did something right.

Thanks, Chief. I've been waiting my
whole life for someone to say that to me.

FYI, it's my mama's secret recipe.

Oh, you've really outdone yourself.

This chicken doesn't just taste great.
It puts a smile on my face.

Back off, bitch, it's mine!
Dusty's chicken is all mine!

Guys, come here.
You've got to see this.

It is my pleasure to reveal the newest
member of the Paradise Police Department.

The Karla 9000!

$1.2 million
of criminal-busting technology.

It will make whoever's son is driving it
look cool and attractive to women,

reflecting well on his mother.

I get to drive it?! Thank you, Mommy!

Chick Ridley, Paradise Paper.

Where in the bottom-of-the-barrel budget
did you find $1.2 million?

We made a few trims here and there
but, trust me, nobody's going to notice.

I'd like to officially open
the Paradise School for the Blind.

The chairs in the computer lab are lumpy
and these pencils are too sharp.

Man, this car is awesome!

Hello, Kevin, how may I assist you?

Holy crap, you can talk?!
How did you know my name?

I extracted DNA from saliva droplets
in your breath

and found a match
in a registered bed-wetters database.

I don't know why Dad had to put that
in the public record.

Well, I think it's cute. What do you say
we chase down some criminals?

That'd be a first for me.

I couldn't even chase down
the drunk rednecks who robbed the zoo.

You'd better hit the gas, Robbie.
Grand theft tortoise is a felony.

Cowabunga, dude!

Dusty, you got any more of that chicken?
I need it. I need it real goddamn bad.

Dusty, what exactly
did you put in that chicken?

It's just my mama's secret recipe

and some unbleached flour
I found hidden in the pantry.

Dusty, you dumb-ass!

- That wasn't flour. It was heroin.
- Come again?

I mean, er, from here on in,
you'd better not take my stuff, okay?

That was my flour.
It was my special, secret stash of flour.

I hid it in the pantry
so I could enjoy baking with it myself.

I'm not cocking around, Dusty!
I feel like hickory-smoked shit.

What do you want, man?
I'll pay whatever.

I wish I could help, but we ain't got
no more unbleached flour

and they don't sell it around here.

I know some guys who sell
"unbleached flour", all right?

But it's gonna be a little pricey.

5K for fried chicken?
Dusty, I say we partner up.

With my flour connections
and your chicken recipe,

we could make a lot of people happy.

You think everyone
will really like my chicken that much?

Please, Dusty, hurry!
I'll suck your dick for a drumstick!

Uh-huh, I think they'll like it.

See any bad guys yet, Karla?

I see a sexy guy.

Really? Where? I want to see him!

You're funny, Kevin.

I am? Girls don't usually like me.

The last girl I dated dumped me because
I like this giant robot dinosaur called...

Carbortion Wrex? I love Carbortion Wrex!

Oh, my God, marry me now!

Oh! That car just ran the red light!

Get your cuffs ready, Kevin.

I like to play rough.

Wow, now I know how Batgirl felt.

See, Robbie, I told you this Asian import
would be faster.

Yeah, but it's a little temperamental.

Ow! Ow! Shit, ow!

Ooh, this is
a weird looking farmers market, Bullet.

The farmers have way more Uzis
than I expected.

Just approach that scary-looking dude
named Pedro.

You'll be fine.

What do you want, puto?

We're looking to buy some unbleached flour
if you know what I'm talking about?

The brown stuff.

Oh, I got the brown stuff.

It's gonna be five grand.

Well, it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

Hey, you take oversized comedy checks,

Paradise PD, freeze, cocksucker!


Karla, I chased down my first criminal!

Help, I think I'm having a stroke.

They all say that, you fuck bag.

Wow, you made me feel like a real cop
down there.

You know, I can make you feel
a lot of other things

down there.

Oooh... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Toyota-dactyl swoops down
on the Chevy-saurus,

but who's coming to save the day?

Carbortion Wrex!

So, uh, I noticed your Facebook page
still says "Single".

You checked my Facebook page?

Sorry. I just miss you so much
when we're not together.

Like when you're having dinner
with your mom this Tuesday at 9 p.m.

Which reminds me,
when do I get to officially meet her?

Well, yeah, you know,
one of these... times.

What's wrong, Kevin?

Does she even know about us?
Are you ashamed of me because I'm a car?

No, of course not!

Is it because I'm black?

No! That's why I'm not telling my dad.

Damn it! I just don't get it!

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani?
Me neither. I think he could do better.

No, Fitz. Someone in Paradise
is buying up a ton of heroin.

Word on the street is
that there's some new player in town.

I got this from an informant.

Boyardee's back on the streets?

Motherfucker killed my partner,

cut him up into pieces, hid the body
inside mini raviolis across seven states.

I'm still surprised there wasn't a recall.

No, I checked. He's still in Sing Sing.

Good. Did you know,
I'm the one who broke the Boyardee case?

I was like, "That ain't beef ravioli.
That's Keith ravioli!"

I used to be the best at catchphrases.

Jesus, Chief, what happened to you?

I'm sorry, I haven't had
my morning chicken. Anybody seen Dusty?

Oh, it's here, it's here, it's here!

Look at that, people like your chicken.

They like the chicken.
But they love me!

I love to be loved! Oooh!

My grandfather gave me this watch
on his death bed. It's worth $600.

Give me a four-piece.

Chief, maybe you should slow down.

You want some mashed 'taters?

Fuck your potatoes!

You really know how to wax that trunk.

Come on, Karla, we're at work.
We need to keep it professional.

So treat me like a filthy hooker.
Put one in the tank and one in the stank.

Oh, and Kevin, I'm not wearing a gas cap.

Huh... Uh...

I just want to thank you for your support.

Since giving Karla to my son, who, as we
can see now, is not some weirdo loser,

crime is way down.

And my polling is way up,

which is why I'd like to declare
that I will be running for re-elect...

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, oh...!

Chick Ridley, Paradise Paper.

Can you please come down here
and stab out my eyes?

Hello, my friend Pedro.

The usual, please.

Prices went up.

It's going to cost you $20,000 this time.

20,000?! That, sir, is criminal!

To heck with this farmers market!
We've got to buy wholesale from the farm.

Where do you think that is?

Er, Colombia?

Sounds good. Hopefully we'll save enough
to make up for the commercial I had shot.

What commercial?

Don't you know a meal should
Always make you feel good?

Come on down to Dusty's chicken truck

It's true that every dish is
Addictive and delicious

This chicken will really cluck you up

The taste is so savory

You'll sell your kids to slavery
Just to eat at Dusty's chicken truck!

Give me that goddamn chicken!

I don't ask for much, do I?

Stay off drugs, change your underwear
every now and then.

Oh, and don't fuck your car!

You don't understand, Mom.

Of course I don't understand.
Nobody understands.

Because it's disgusting and depraved!

Oh, oh! Fraulein Karen,
your polling is up 20 points!

Oh, for God's sake, why?

Because of your son!

Turns out
Paradise is very pro car schtupping.

As I was saying, Kevin,
keep fucking that car!

Hey, silly guy,
where's your beautiful smile?

Your mother just gave us her blessing.

I don't know. I just feel weird
about how it all went down.

I knew if I opened the garage
during the press conference

something good would happen.

Wait, you opened the garage? On purpose?!

Of course I did.

Now our love can be open and free
and we can plan our wedding.

What do you want to do tonight?
Shoot a baby into me?

Um, actually I'm supposed to hang out
with my buddy Fitz. A guys-only night.

Whoa, don't raise your voice at me, Kevin!

I didn't.

Oh, so now I'm a liar.
Is that what you're saying?

No! Not at all!

Dusty, be careful.

This guy's a real serious dude.

A farmer? How can he be serious

when he's singing, "Here a moo,
there a moo, everywhere a moo moo."

Dusty, a pleasure
to meet you. I am Marcos Narcos.

I hear you've been selling
a lot of my product.

I'm really cooking with it.

Back home, oh, they're terrified of me.
All those little chickens.

Oh, I bet they are.
How do you keep them in line?

I cut off their heads.
Sometimes, I don't even use a knife.

I just use my bare hands.

Rip them right off.

Dios mío!

I watch them run around with no heads,
their bodies twitching uncontrollably,

blood spurting out everywhere.

It just tickles the piss out of me.

Then I pull out their livers, fry them in
hot oil and feed them to the families.

Santa María,
where did you learn such butchery?

- My mama.
- Whoa, my friend!

You are clearly
a force to be reckoned with.

From now on you are no longer Dusty.

You will be called

El Chefe!

El Chefe!

Es el villano más terrible de la tierra

El Chefe!

Es que degolla a sus enemigos

Es que extrae sus intestinos

El Chefe!



Your friend thinks he can buy
from my supplier and cut me out?

Well, tell El Chefe that if he doesn't
shut his business down,

I'm gonna shut him down, with death.

Nobody messes with Pedro Pooptooth.

Hold on a minute!
Your name's Pedro Pooptooth?

- Yeah, I'm thinking of changing it.
- Yeah? To what?

Peter Pooptooth. It's less ethnic.

Look who decided to show up.

We've got to end this.
We've made plenty of money.

Well, you made money.
I'm still waiting on my cut.

I told you that I'm reinvesting everything
back into the business.

How is buying Rue McClanahan's skull

It calms my chakra.

And why would I end this? This is the best
thing that ever happened to me.

This shit's getting serious.
I don't think you understand.

Oh, I understand.

I understand you're a little yappy dog
who's jealous because everybody loves me

and nobody gives a half squirt of piss
about you!

You idiot. Pedro Pooptooth
is going to have you murdered.

Oh! His name is Pedro Pooptooth?

That's gross. Way too ethnic.

Whatever, man.
Don't say I didn't warn you.

I didn't warn you!

There, I said it! Grrr!

She's really funny, she's a great cop.

And obviously the sex couldn't be better.

Yeah, you should try a vagina.

They don't smell like gasoline
or burn the skin off your dick.

Except for Kathy Griffin's, of course.

Karla's just so controlling and I wonder
if something's just not right.

I think I may know what it is.

The whole town knows
you're screwing your goddamn car.

I don't think that many people
saw that press conference.

Everybody, it's the car fucker!

Man, I was rock hard watching you
bang that Buick on the news.

I love you, car fucker!

Er, thanks, I think. And it's Kevin.

What should I do?

It doesn't matter if she's a car
or a lady, she's a crazy-ass bitch.

You need to stand up for yourself.

Hi, car fucker.
I wanted to thank you for inspiring me.

I came out to my daddy yesterday
as a Honda-sexual. You're the best.

Well, well, well.
Look who decided to finally come home.

Oh, okay, you're wasted.

I'm driving you back to the station.

Ooh, big policeman
laying down the law!

Except you're not, because you can't do
dick without me holding your dick for you.

I'm sorry, I love you.

Answer your damn phone!

That's vanilla pine tree.

That's the freshener that's
in your old car, you son of a bitch!

You drove her tonight, didn't you?!

Did you fuck her too?!

No! Believe it or not, people drive cars
that they don't have sex with!

Oh, do they? Is that what they do?

Okay, all right. If you're so smart, tell
me what's wrong with my steering wheel?



Now look what you made me do!

Man, I've been punching prostates
and kicking cocks all day

and I still can't find El Chefe.

I know he's got to have tons of money
flowing in

and likely making untraceable calls
to Colombia.

Hey, guys. If anybody needs me,
I'll be on my burner.

Hola, vato.

Si no consigo el envío
de la harina pronto, te enterraré!

Lo entiendes, puta?

Urgh, Mondays!

- Oh! Damn, Kevin, what happened to you?
- Fell down some stairs.

Then why does it say "airbag" in reverse
on your forehead?

You got to break up with that car.

Can't. It would upset my mom.

Kevin, don't be a pussy.

Man up and ask your mama's permission
to break up with your girlfriend.

- Absolutely not, Kevin.
- Mom!

Look, lovers' spats happen.

Whatever it was, I'm sure Karla feels bad.
I'm sure it won't happen again.

If it does, I can live with it.

Are you sure we're doing the right thing,

Trust me. The only thing this town
loves more than car fuckers

is spousal abuse.

Why do you think they named
the new stadium after Johnny Depp?

Soon. Soon.


Okay, I'm sorry, Pedro Pooptooth!
Don't kill me!

I think you're confused, Dusty.

We're from Red Lobster. Mm-hm.

How many times do I have to explain this?

The sign said "All you can eat".

No, no, Dusty.
We just want your chicken recipe.

Your little truck
is putting us out of business.

No, sorry.
That's my mama's secret recipe.

We thought you might say that.

Which is why we brought
your little friend along.

You give us Mama's recipe
or we whack your friend Fifi in the balls

with one of our delicious
flaky cheddar biscuits.

Dusty, get me out of here!
These guys are maniacs!

That's just one of Red Lobster's
delicious flaky cheddar biscuits.

After you've smashed his little balls,
don't throw that away. I might eat it.

I hope Karla doesn't find out I'm driving
you. I just couldn't be with her tonight.


Agh! Agh!


Hello, lover.

So you want to break up with me?

I heard you crying to your mommy
through your iPhone!

You can do that?

Nothing will come between us,

especially not your skanky old car!


Time to go to Lover's Cliff, remember?

Where you first kissed me
with your lying whore mouth!

Navigating to Lover's Cliff.

Okay, sure, let's go there and talk.

Oh no, we're way past talking.

We're going up there to die together!

You're lucky we stole this fire truck.
Delbert, hit the siren, man.

Okay, Robbie.

Ow! Ow! Shit!

You want the secret?

There's heroin in the chicken!

That's ridiculous!

Yeah, Bullet. If you're going to lie,
at least make it believable.

Sorry, Mama told me to keep the recipe
a secret and that's final.

Bullshit! This isn't about your mama.

It's about your ego, asshole.
You just want to keep being El Chefe.

Fine, you're right. People like El Chefe.

Even Chief thinks I'm special.

You always were special.

There's nobody like you, Dusty.

If I were 560 pounds and sweated gravy
just trying to wipe my ass,

I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.

I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth
and hit delete.

But you can somehow walk a patrol beat
with a smile on your face.

If that's not special, well, goddamn it,
I don't know what is.

You mean that?


Now, please, just tell them the recipe...

Enough talk, Dusty. Last chance.



Sorry, I just need another minute!


Hold on, I'm thinking!


Okay, you can have the recipe.
Just don't hurt my friend.

Are you fucking serious?

Okay, Red Lobster, the recipe is...

I'm sorry, Mama.

Flour, salt and pepper.

That's it?

You let this guy beat my balls into soup
for an hour over flour, salt and pepper?

Pepper, of course!

I told you
that's what those black flakes were!

You two are free to go. Here's some
coupons for your trouble. Mm-hm.

Half-price Lobsterita?
Man, somehow this guy always wins me over.

Please, let's talk this out.

Don't worry, lover,
we'll have all of eternity to talk it out

when we reach our final destination,



Carbortion Wrex, you saved me!

- Kevin, are you okay?
- Mom?

To hell with the polls. You are my son.

And you're still on my insurance.

Agh! Great...

Say goodbye to your mommy, Kevin!

Stay away from him, you bitch!

Come on, Mom,
give her the morning-after kill!

I can't. It's moving on its own.

Well, thanks for saving me.

Yeah, yeah.

I... I love you.

What's happening here?

Sorry, I'm a little distracted by my
ex-girlfriend screwing my personal hero.

Pound me, Carbortion Wrex!

Your dick is so much bigger than Kevin's!

Only because he's a giant robot.

And mine might not be the longest,
but it's definitely the skinniest.

Please stop.

Yeah, Carbortion Wrex!

Car fucker,
did you see that guy fuck that car?

Yes, thank you.

Karen, I am leaving you
to join the campaign of another candidate.


Carbortion Wrex.

He's already beating you by 63 points.

That awesome robot
with the big old peter's got my vote.

Gina, good job bringing down that heroin
ring and that notorious Pedro Pooptooth.

Excuse me, it's Peter now.

Peter Shitmouth.
That's my mother's maiden name.

Thanks, Fitz.

But one thing will always bother me.

How did El Chefe
manage to disappear into thin air?

It's a mystery we may never solve.

On a completely unrelated note, did you
hear Dusty's business abruptly shut down?

I've been so focused on this case,
I didn't even notice.

Poor Dusty.
You know what might cheer him up?

Next time he's changing in the locker
room, I'll sneak up behind him and...

blub-blub-blub ...motorboat his bunghole.


I'm going to go ahead
and finish my lunch outside.

Sorry again about your testicles, Bullet.

It only feels worse
than anything imaginable.

I can't stay mad at you.

You're an innocent cherub
with an enlarged heart full of gold.

I still feel bad.

So I used the rest of my chicken money
to buy you this.

Are you serious?

This is awesome!

All right! Oh, shit!

Great. He loves it!

I wonder if any of my old customers
are missing my chicken just a little bit.

Agh! Agh!


El Chefe!

Es el villano más terrible de la tierra

El Chefe!

Es que degolla a sus enemigos

Es que extrae sus intestinos

El Chefe!

Es el villano más terrible de la tierra

El Chefe!

Es que degolla a sus enemigos

Es que extrae sus intestinos

El Chefe!