Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Meet the Jabowskis - full transcript

Thanks for treating me
to the pizza buffet again, Gina.

You know, if I didn't know any better,
I'd think you trying to fatten me up.

Yeah, like, I'd put your health at risk
just because it turns me on sexually.

Here, let me ladle some ranch
on there for you.


Did you have a little run-in
with a jaywalker this morning?

Technically, it was more of a run-over.

So much blood.

Listen, Gina, you're my best cop,

but you've got to take the crazy
down a notch.

Okay, Chief.

I promise to try not to overreact
to every little...

Did that cunt just put Sprite
in a water cup?

Hi, Sister.
So you like free Sprite, huh?

You want Sprite?

Here! Have some Sprite!

Calm down, Miss.

Possum Pizza's a happy place.

You just assaulted an officer.

I'm breaking up the band!

Ooh! Big winner today! 30,000 tickets.

You can get a spider ring,
a scented eraser

or a set of four crayons.

But since you killed my employee,
I'm taking the blue one.


Jabowski, could you get
in here immediately?

A crook at the Piggly Wiggly
took two free samples instead of one.

On it!

Call the coroner
and tell him to bring 'em up.

What is this?

All right, I lied.
This is an intervention.

Your rage has gotten
goddamn out of control!

Are you babies still bitching
about Possum Pizza?

'Cause all I did was my job!

And win you that oversized pencil.

Yes, it's a great pencil.
I love it, but the point is...

But nothing! I'm the only one keeping this
town from being overrun with violence.

That's why I'm out there every day,
snapping spines and gouging out eyeballs.

I promise I'll use
my turn signal next time, Gina.

Gina, you have to take
an anger management class,

and you have to do it right now.

As the officer with the most hours
of therapy, I'm your appointed counselor.

Tell me about your childhood.

Like everybody else, I don't have
any memories before the age of 21,

except for brief flashes
in my screaming nightmares.

Hmm. According to my expertise,
I can diagnose you with BBCD.

Bitch Be Crazy Disease.

Shut the fuck up, Fitz,
that's not a real thing.

Ooh! There's a flare-up.

You guys are telling me
you remember your childhoods?

Yeah, right. Next, you'll be telling me
not everyone has a brainus.

Yeah, you should probably see a doctor.

So this is my intervention, huh?

Not just you think I'm a "weirdo"

just 'cause I sneak into the break room
and fuck the fritters?

Anybody else think these apple fritters
taste like boiled peanuts and Clorox?

Gina, here's your problem.

You have a bullet in your brain.

That's why you have no memories,
are so aggressive

and have an unnatural sexual attraction
to fat men.

Basically, a textbook case
of Bitch Be Crazy Disease.

How the hell can I have a bullet
in my brain and not know about it?

Well, maybe you had a terrible doctor.

Oh, your terrible doctor was me.

I don't remember because
I also have a bullet in my brain.

Your chart says you were found washed up
on the riverbank

when you were ten years old,
and then you spent 11 years in a coma.

Well, does my file say who shot me?

Nope, just this photo.


With this clue,
I now have one mission in life...

to kill the bastard who shot me!

I tried to kill the bastard who shot me,
but the bastard who shot me is me.

I got really depressed
when my obese husband left me.

Damn you, Bitch Be Crazy Disease.

Aha! Found you, asshole.


An African warlord known for his love
of killing ten-year-old girls. Boom!

Hey, Chief! I need a little time off
for VD...

"Vengeance Day!"

I gotta take care of a little STD...

"Sudanese tyrannical drug lord."

One, you're bad at acronyms.

Two, no goddamn way
am I letting my best cop

hakuna matata off on an African safari.

Fine, then I quit!

No one around here appreciates me anyway.

Gina, wait! I didn't mean what I said
about you being bad at acronyms.

All right, don't freak out.

We are prepared for this!

Operation Crazy Cop Down is
in full effect.

I'm happy to take Gina's beat.
I keep those little criminals in line.

I'm just as tough as she...

Oh, my shadow!

Just for a second, I thought that was
a big, fat, black ghost.

Now, Kevin, no one can know
we're down a Gina.

Put a blonde wig on this hooker
from the drunk tank and drive her around.

You can count on me, Dad.

I'll ride this hooker all around town.

Careful how you ride her, son.
She'll give you HIV.

Yes! "Help intimidating vandals."

Good luck, asshats. I just quit.

No, no, no. Gina's the only thing keeping
this town from a total purge.

I can't handle that shit with my PTSD.

You know what? You and I
should skip work today. It'll be fun.

We can't both skip work.
Chief will kick our asses.


Screw you. You know it hurts my feelings
when you say that.

Listen, I'm sorry,
I had no idea you were such a pussy.

Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!


Okay, okay. I'll call Chief first.

You wait an hour to call
so he doesn't get suspicious.

Good plan.

Fitzgerald, this better be good news.

Uh, sorry, Chief,
but I've got a nasty case of, uh...


No, no, no, not today!

One sec, I got another call.

Chief, listen, I've got super diarrhea,

probably way more than anybody else
who might be calling you right now.

What are you doing?

You were supposed to wait 60 minutes.

Yeah, I waited 60 dog minutes.
You gotta specify.

Evidently, Bullet's shitting me, too.

I don't know about all that,
but my ass looks like

they filled the Bellagio fountain
with mushroom gravy.

It's like I sat on an M-80
made out of shit.

It's like Gary Coleman joined ISIS,
crawled up my ass and blew himself up.

It's like I got butt-fucked
by Fudgie the Whale.

It smells like
three-month-old Hungarian goulash.

Jesus Christ, I don't wanna know!
Stay the hell away!

Oh, fuck my life!

Paradise PD.

I'm pissin' Yoo-Hoo out of my ass.

My downtown's a brown town.

It's like a Kenny Loggins scat party.

My downtown's a brown town!

Hey, are you guys smoking crack again?

Didn't I just send you
a whole inspirational song yesterday

about cleaning up your act?

Oh, sorry, Dusty, we forgot.
Must've been all that crack we smoked.

Now, boys, I hate to do this,

but I'm going to have to take your butts
to jail, for your own good.

You know what would help us
way more than jail, Dusty?

Another inspirational song.

No, no,
y'all don't want to hear another one.

Come on, Dusty, please.

If you insist.

Thank you, Dusty.

This crack house is starting to feel
like a crack home.

Thanks, fellas. It just means so much
to me that I can make a diff...

Here goes nothing.

Gina, it's not what you think!
This is my purse.

Aw! You got me, Gina. Shit, yep.

It's argyle meth. Yeah, I know the drill.

Now, how far you want me to take this
and shove it up my ass here, huh?

Like two inches.

Letting me off with a warning there.
Thanks, Gina.

That was great.

Quick note, Gina would have made him
shove the whole pipe in... horizontally.

And another smallish note, Gina would
never roll her eyes into her head

or foam from the mouth
or empty her bowels on the seat...

but, otherwise, great job.

This is gonna be the best day off ever.

Yeah, but what are we gonna do?
I want to see something new today.

Is that guy sucking his own dick?

Yeah, all Tesla drivers
suck their own dicks.

That's why the cars come with autopilot.

I guess they're still working
the bugs out, huh?

He's dead.

Poor fella came and went
at the same time.

Yeah, but look what's in the trunk.
We're rich, Fitz!

Hold up, we're cops.
We should call this in.

Right, yeah, cops should call this in.
But today, we're not cops.

We're just two dudes on vacation.

Well, one dude and one pussy.

Shut up, you asshole!

If we call it in,
Chief will know we lied to him.

Yeah, you're right,

and I guess a dead man
can't take it with him,

but I still feel bad
about leaving this body here.

Who knew Teslas were so popular?

I did. Hello, I'm Elon Musk.

Okay, General Bumfuqué.

Before I blow your brains out,

I want you to look at the little girl
you tried to murder.

Open your fucking eyes, Bumfuqué.

I've never seen that girl in my life.

Then why's your name on the back?

What a misunderstanding.
Honestly, this happens all the time.

See, there's no accent over the "e."

That's not Bumfuqué. That says "Bumfuque."

What? It can't say Bumfuque.

That's the name of a town right next
to Paradise. Oh.

Hey, come out, you masochistic murderer.

I got a gun that ate too many bullets
and needs a face to puke into.

Blessed baby Jesus!

Everyone, come quick, Gina's home!

Who the hell are you people?

Don't you recognize us?
We're the Jabowskis, your family.

Finally, I shall have my revenge
on the town of Bumfuque.

Let me help you out here. There should be
an accent mark over the "e."

Bumfuqué! It cannot be Bumfuqué.

That is the African warlord
from the next village over... oh.

Heavenly Father,
we just come to you right now, Jesus,

and we just want to thank you
that you brought our daughter home,

and we're also thankful

that Cooter finally stopped
shoving crayons up his nose, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Mama says big boys
don't shove crayons up their no... hey!

I'm as surprised as you are.

I came here for one reason:

to get the name of the twatwaffle
that put a bullet in my brain.

Bo's right, Gina.
We do not talk about that dark day.

Why didn't you come looking for me?

We thought you were dead.

It left us feeling lower
than a Dinklage nutsack.

But you're alive and now we gotta make up
for lost time.

Look, I'm not here to make nice.
I'm on a mission,

so thank you for the Slim Jim
in a hot dog bun, but...

Bo took the words right out of my mouth.

Gina, you should stay for game night.

Welcome to the Jabowskolympics.

And, Gina, you're the guest of honor.

May the most violent Jabowski win!

First up, Taser tag!


Good shot, sister.
Wait a minute. I can talk?

My family's awesome!

Hold up! This ain't fair!

You're about to be my rug, Yogi!

We can lay low here
until the bank opens Monday,

as long as we don't raise suspicions.
Let me do the talking.

We're looking for a quiet room.

We're just two businessmen in town for,

Our honeymoon.

- Say what?
- Yeah.

We're just married.

Plan on having tons of wild sex.
So, yeah, don't disturb us

'cause that room's about to be hit
with a Category 5 jizz-nado.

Isn't that right, honey?

Yep, I'm gay as hell for dog dick.

Kevin, those crack smoking
rednecks are running all over Dusty.

I need you to take Hooker Gina there
and scare the stupid out of them.

Well, it's a good thing
Hooker Gina's not dead or anything.

Yep, she's 100% alive.

I doubt it.
All hookers are dead inside, son.

Good talk. Over and out.

Well, back to work.

Wait, that's not Hooker Gina.

How many dead bodies are in this dumpster?


Wanna trade? I got doubles.

Whoo! A hundred grand!

With this money,
I can finally cure my mental issues.

You'll finally be able
to afford a good therapist.

Hell, no!

I'm gonna buy me a blimp
and fly my black ass to Pussy Land.

Yeah, you don't need therapy at all.

I'm buying a Tesla.

Why don't you get us some lunch?
Don't worry, I'll run off with the money.

I mean, I'll make sure nobody runs off
with the money.

Hold up, you're planning to run off
with the money

- as soon as I leave the room.
- Says who?

You just did! I'm not leaving this room,

and I'm not taking my eyes off you
for a second.

Fine, then you gotta watch me do this.

Mmm! I can just taste that Tesla. Mmm!

Man, I can't believe
Dusty caught us robbing a house

and all he did was sing us
another inspirational song.

What a fucking idiot.

Delbert, be careful.
Those crystal butt plugs are expensive.

Freeze, drug bugs!
It's me, Gina... whatever my last name is.

Oh, shit, Gina! Please, don't kill us!
We'll return everything.

Good! And don't make me put a cap
in your butts...

with my gun that I'll...

pull out any minute now.

Holy crap. Gina's dead.

Do you know what this means?

We can explore her body?

No, you dumb-ass!
We're taking over this town!

- And I know just where to start.
- Her bikini area?

No! That's where we finish.


Sorry I flatlined Granny earlier.

Don't apologize, pickle. You're a badass.

I gotta admit,
you never fit in here as a kid.

Playing dolls, having tea parties...
you sucked!

I mean,
I was sure you were my coward sperm.

Your what?

Coward sperm.

See, the reason Jabowskis are so tough,

before I plow your mama,

I scare out all my coward sperm.

Like, I'll put a blowtorch under my balls
and scream "fire!"

Then I burp my worms
so all the cowardly sperm rushes out

and the brave sperm stays, but, Gina,

you must've been the bravest sperm of all.

Aw, that is so sweet, Dad.
You know, I have always felt out of place.

This is the first time
I feel like I truly fit in.

My friends back home
always said I was too violent.

Your friends sound like a bunch
of Tesla drivers.

Can't they see that you're a beautiful,
violent, bloodthirsty, young woman?

I'm just sad that you're leaving
before we can have some real fun.

Dad, I'm not going anywhere.

I've finally found my family.

Well, this calls for a celebration!

We're gonna do something real exciting
as a family!

What, are you crazy?

I'm not robbing a liquor store.

This is gonna be the most
adrenaline-fueled moment of your life.

Admit you live for excitement!

That's what being a Jabowski is, yeah!

Yeah, I do love the adrenaline.

And, yeah, I do feel like a part
of this family.

But this is some poor guy's store.

Before we rob,
we always spin the Wheel of Handicaps.

That gives the victims a fighting chance.

Whoa! "On fire," that'd be cool.

Wait, no, what am I saying?
I have to respect the law.

Well, the law didn't respect you.

Gina, we never wanted to tell you this,

but it was a cop who shot you in the head.

You're telling me a cop tried to kill me?

That's right.

That's what the so-called law really is.

It's the type of monster
that can shoot a little girl in the head

and steal her from us.

But now we got you back,

and you can be on the other side
of the law with us.

What do you say, pickle?

I say fuck it, I'm a Jabowski.
I'm spinning that wheel.

On fire! On fire!

- This is a stick-up.
- Give me all your money! Ugh!

- How are you feeling, Fitz?
- I feel like it's been 24 hours

and we haven't slept, eaten
or taken a shit.

Speak for yourself.

I gave this ice bucket a real challenge.

Look, I found a fig newton
stuck under the table.

I was gonna keep it for myself,
but I'll split it with you.

I don't want your ookie cookie.
It's probably poisoned.

No, if I was gonna poison you,
I'd put it in your water bottle.

I guess this pussy's a squirter!

Ow, that hurts!

Ooh, I'm gonna fuck your ass up.

Let's see how you like
being choked by something furry.

Ah, young love.

That's so kind of you boys
to help redecorate the police station.

No problem. Hey, Dusty,
did you find our criminal records?

- Right here.
- You can put 'em right in the shredder.

You know I will. I love shredding paper

It's like making goat spaghetti.

What the hell's going on here?

Didn't I tell you to deal
with these shitlickers?

Chief, these are my friends,
and they are our guests.

I think you need to learn a little lesson
about making new friends,

which brings me to this next little song
I wrote for you.

Ooh, right in the castanets.

You rednecks have exactly two seconds
to clear the fuck out or...

Who is it?

Thank God it's you, Hopson.
Open the door.

I will if you give me a kiss.

How am I supposed to kiss you
with the goddamn door closed?

Check the mail slot.

Jesus Christ! Hopson,
that's disgusting, you old pervert.

Fine, just a peck on the helmet.
Don't tell anyone.

Okay, now let me in!

That was a creep test.
You failed. Stay out!

Give up, Bullet!

Gotta do better than that, asshole.

Jim Beam! Jack Daniels!

Jäger. I'm gonna drink this one.

Whoa! Not the motel comforter.

Take it easy, Fitz. Those are disgusting.

- What are you gonna do with that?
- Eat comforter cum crust, motherfucker!


Oh, my God, what am I doing?

Ha-ha! Dog door.

Crap, I'm stuck.

Stop! Stop it! Stop it! No!

Ooh, they are gonna pay for this shit!

Well, pickle,
we've robbed three liquor stores,

a church and Cooter's harpsichord teacher.

That's what I call family bonding.

Now, it's time for the big leagues.

I am so pumped to knock over a bank
with you guys! Whoo-hoo!

I know. I'm happier than Louis CK

with a woman locked in a room
against her will.

Speaking of which, everyone got their
creepy comedian masks?

These are guaranteed to make every woman
in there feel very uncomfortable.

You didn't tell me we were robbing a bank
in Paradise. I can't do this.

Diamond City has way better banks.

I mean, this bank's slogan is,
"We can't break anything over $5."

I hear this town's best cop left.
Now's the time, when they're weakest.

I mean, I wanna rob this bank so bad,

but we forgot the Wheel of Handicaps back
at home.

Guess we just come back another day,
right? Let's go, guys. Come on.

This bank job is hard enough.
I say fuck the handicapped.

Fuck you too, dick.

Quick! Quick!
I want to make a deposit. Ow!

Declined, bitch.

Holy shit!

Stop bleeding on my money!

Ow, shit! Oh!

This is a stick-up.

Look at this hillbilly bank,
there's no money in here.

Jesus Christ.

Holy shit, that's the bank alarm.

Everyone to the goddamn bank!

Farty farts. I'm on it, Chief!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Oh, my...
- Outta the way, dick kisser.

You ain't gonna rob this whorehouse.

Hopson, it's a bank.

What's the difference?
I've blown guys in both.

You two think you're gonna stop us?

Us four.

Looks like we're having pig for dinner.

Wait, don't shoot him.

- Why the hell not?
- Because I'm one of them. A cop.

Gina, what are you doing
with these criminals?

Because I'm one of them, too.
They're my family.

Well, looks like
you gotta make a decision, pickle.

Which is it? You a cop or a Jabowski?

Oh, I got a perfect song
about making good decisions.

What in the hell is going on here?

Chief Crawford,
these guys are robbing the bank.

Crawford? Gina, that's him!

That's the Paradise cop that shot you
when you were a little girl.

What? That can't be true.

Wait, wait. You were that girl?
That day has haunted me for years.

It's true. I shot Gina.

All this time and it was you?

Chief, you left me for dead as a child.

My turn.

Say bye-bye.

Ooh! You punks are in big trouble now.

It's me, Gina.

Gina don't need no head to kick some ass.

How could you, Chief?
I was just a little girl.

Screw it. It doesn't even matter.

Prepare to die.

- Wait, it's not like you think.
- Don't you remember the boat?

Why's Dad talking in an echo?

I think he's trying
to trigger a flashback.

The boat, the boat, the boat...

Police! I'll shoot if you don't pull over.

Daddy. Ow!

Yeah, we'll make another one. She sucked.

You lied to me and left me to die.

Easy. Gina, don't do this.

You used me as a shield
to save your own life.

I swear it was a one-time mistake.

I'll never do it again.


My bad, old habit.

We'll see you at Christmas, Gina.
Call any time.

Oh, shit. Almost forgot this.

Oh, comeuppance!

Don't worry, we'll get 'em next time.

Yeah, my family sucks,
but at least we're not the Duggars.

Gina, I'm sorry I shot you.

Don't be. You turned me into
the dick-stomping cop that I am today.

I wouldn't change a thing.

And I don't care how violent you are.
Just come back to work, huh?

In fact, I have a job
where you can be as violent as you want.

Boy, oh, boy, Delbert.

We gonna be living the dream from now on,
since Gina's dead. Gina!

Mama's home, bitches.

Mr. Chief, sir,
we would like to ask your forgiveness

for our rude behavior.
Ain't that right, Delbert?

I'm sorry.

Sounds like Gina's back.

Bullet, Fitz, thanks for leaving
your deathbeds to back us up at the bank.

You guys look like hammered shit.

Hey, Dad, sorry to bother you,

but this man works
at the Super Seedy Motel.

He says a couple of dudes
had crazy sex

in one of his hotel rooms
and trashed the place.

That's them! The dog and the black guy.

What! Did you two call in sick

just so you could spend the day
having gay motel sex?


Then what the hell were you doing?
Lying to me and skipping work?

Oh, yep. Yeah, you got us, we had...

We had so much sex, didn't we, Fitz?

Yep. I'm gay as hell for dog dick.

This may surprise you two,
but, well, I understand.

I've been a cop for 30 years.
Guys need a gay-off every now and then.

No down-low brothers for me, of course.

I'm straight as a javelin.
Straight as a javelin.


You know the drill.