Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 3 - Party of Five - full transcript

Okay, everyone. Be sure to push these
t-shirts. They're great impulse buys.

Todd, this shirt is for me because I
care about the environment.

"Spooning may
lead to forking."

That's kind of a pun.

I understand. I just can't believe a man
would wear a shirt like this in public.

That's actually
a women's shirt.

Really?

Alright, look. It's...
They're jokes.

They're kind of like ice-breakers,
a way to start a conversation.

You don't have to meet a woman's
family or have a good job?

You can meet her just by
what it says on your t-shirt?



Yeah, it's possible.
Wow.

Uh, what is
a mustache ride?

That's a little too advanced for today.
Maybe next week.

If I give you ten cents, may I have
a ride to work tomorrow?

Oh, man. Have you
seen Tonya today?

She is ten pounds of pretty
in a five pound sack.

She's extra pretty.
Yeah, got it.

You have a special
lady back home?

Uh, nothing serious.
You know, just dating.

Although I did meet a girl
right before I got here.

I told her I was
leaving the country,

and that kind of made
things intense.

We had an amazing weekend.

You should keep in
touch with her, man.



You don't want to lose
someone like that.

Well,
it's a little tough.

She thinks I'm in Iraq.

Yeah. Not proud.

Here she comes.
I've got to get this right.

I'm going to ask her out today.
How's my breath?

I see you haven't run
out of Slim Jims, yet.

Uh, okay.
I'll leave you to it.

No, no, no.
You're my wingman.

Help me out here.
I need a pick-up line.

You don't need a pick-up line.
Just be yourself.

Uh, Hey, Tonya.
If you were a deer,

I'd shoot you
and mount you.

Be someone else.
All right.

Good day, fellas.
How's your arvo going?

Oh.

Come on. Arvo?
Aussie for afternoon.

Oh, okay. That's good to know.

I once shot a kangaroo.

So, there you go.

So, Charlie was telling me about this
Indian restaurant he really likes.

It's supposed to
be amazing, right?

Yeah. It's amazing.
You might like it.

What's it called?

Ting Tang Walla
Walla Bing Bang.

It's a chain.

Maybe Friday,
if you're free for dinner.

Um, yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah, we should all go out.
Oh. Well, I...

Oh.
Sorry. That's me.

Um, sorry. Tomorrow
night, right?

Yeah.
Cool. Bye.

I'm sorry.
No.

You put her in the crosshairs,
and I pulled the trigger.

Looks like I'm about
to bag my second 'roo.

The only thing is,
now, you need a date.

Oh, man. How do you drink
hot tea in this weather?

It's not that hot, man.

It's not that hot?
I can't stop sweating.

The guide book told me
to use baby powder.

And now,
I've got a paste factory in my pants.

So, our friendship is to the place
where we say anything we think.

I'm sorry.

Hey, uh, Manmeet, I did
want to ask you something.

Huh?

So, how does the whole dating
thing work here in India?

Oh.
It's a nightmare, man. Yeah?

You have to be from the right family,
have the right education...

It's not like in America.

I heard women
ask the men out.

You can...
You can just be driving down the street,

and a woman will come up to your
car and ask if you want a date.

I think those women
charge for their dates.

But, yeah, it is.
It's pretty different.

Why do you ask?

Well, I got roped into having dinner
with Charlie and Tonya tomorrow night.

I've got to have
a date, and...

And you're wondering
how you can ask Asha.

What?
Hmm.

No. No.

I know
you like her, man.

No, I don't.

Todd. I've seen the
way you look at her.

I look at her, uh... The way
I look at any other employee.

I've seen it, okay?

This is how you look at
the rest of the employees.

This is how you look at Asha.

You notice the difference?

The rest of the
employees. Asha...

Employees. Asha.

Employees... Okay.
Look, I don't do that.

But even if I was interested in her,
you know...

There's the
whole work thing.

I'm her boss.
She works for me.

I've only ever
role-played this.

And even then,
I'm never the boss.

What would you
do in America?

I'd probably do
the group thing.

You know, tell her that a bunch of
people are going out for dinner.

And then, at the restaurant,
I'd sit next to her,

pull out the charm, maybe even
break out my baby chick story.

Your what?

My uncle had a farm.
One summer, a hen died.

I ended up hand-raising
these baby chicks.

"Is there a picture,"
you ask?

Why, yes.
Yes, there is.

Oh!

You're feeding a baby chick
with an eyedropper.

And if we were on a date right now,
you would be mine.

So. Do you think you can charm
Asha into going out with you?

Watch and learn.

What a hot day today.

Why, Madhuri, I didn't realize what a
sparkling conversationalist you were.

Tell me more about
this heat you speak of.

Well, I was just saying...

Sarcasm. Leave me.

I just came to say that Gupreet
is making a personal call.

Hey. Asha. Hey.

So, uh, a couple of people from work
are going out to dinner tomorrow night.

Do you want to join us?
Where are you going?

I don't know. Is there some place
you've always wanted to try?

Well, Lal Mirch is
supposed to be amazing.

I'll get a reservation.

I'll be there.

Bye.

Hmm. Step one.
Get her to dinner. Check.

Man,
that was so smooth.

I am like someone
who wants to paint

watching someone who
knows how to paint paint.

What can I say?
I'm the man with the plan.

Asha just told me. I'm so excited
we're all going out tomorrow night.

Oh, I can't believe we're
socializing outside of work.

Don't tell Madhuri.
Let's keep it A-list.

Sometimes,
plans backfire.

What do you think?

Great place.

So, is this a gay club?

No. In India,
men often dance with each other.

It doesn't mean
that they're gay.

As you say,
it's no big deal.

Todd. Do you
want to dance?

Uh, no, thanks.
I'm just going to stay here,

make sure we
get a table.

Do you want to...
No.

Are you sure?
No.

But it's a lot of fun.
No.

I got it.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is
a mystery. But today is a gift.

And that is why
we call it the present.

Cheers. Cheers.

That's really beautiful.

Mmm, thank you.

It's the, uh, the turtle from
Kung Fu Panda. You should rent it.

As my dad always said,
"If you can't feel your hands

"and you can't feel your feet,
put down your glass, it's time to eat."

Yes!
I'll drink to that.

Mmm.

As my father used to say,

"Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth.
I can't hear the radio."

Alrighty, then.

As we say in Australia,
"Up your bum."

Yes. Up all our bums.

What are you
doing here?

My aunt's family is visiting,
so there is not enough room for me in the bedroom.

I would have to
sleep on the roof.

So?
So, I thought...

My key?
You took my key?

It was only
for two nights.

You are trespassing
on company property.

Todd will hear
about this. Now, go.

What are you doing here?

Excuse me?

What are you doing here?
Did you just question me?

No, sir. I would never question you,
but what are you doing here?

I am here doing work.

The assistant manager
has responsibilities

your pea brain could
never even imagine.

Sir.

I found your nest.

My father's air conditioning
is broken. Until I can...

What... What am I doing?
I don't owe you an explanation. Out!

I am sorry, sir.
I was wrong to come.

Tomorrow, I will confess to Todd
everything that happened here.

Wait.

I never measured any part
of my body with a ruler.

Alright, my turn.

I never have been attracted
to anyone I work with.

Okay, I'll go.

I've never shaved my legs.

I wanted to see
what it felt like.

Here's one. I never slept
with anyone on the first date.

Oh, boy.

Oh, come on. What?

You never got carried
away on a date before?

I don't really date.
No way.

What? The guys are
intimidated by your looks?

Your looks scare me.

That came out wrong.

It's complicated.
- No, it's not.

Her parents are arranging her marriage.
See? Done.

Oh. You're
doing an arranged marriage.

Really?
Yeah.

How does that work?

Well, my parents meet
prospective grooms.

Then, of the guys that they approve,
I'll choose one.

Ah. And then, you
start dating the guy?

No, no, no. You date after
you agree to the marriage.

That's ass-backwards.
I'm sorry, but it is.

All right, with this arranged
thing on your wedding night,

you'll finally be sleeping
with someone on the first date.

Up your bum!

We're done with that?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm still... I'm still
not getting this.

Shouldn't you be marrying
someone that you love?

No, no, no, no, no.
You can learn to love someone.

My parents' marriage
was arranged,

and they've been
together for 40 years.

They sleep in
separate bedrooms,

because my mother doesn't like the
sound my father makes when he sleeps.

It's like a train.

Okay, think about
it like this.

A love marriage is like hot
soup that grows cold over time.

An arranged marriage is like cold
soup that you heat over time.

Not for me.
I like my soup piping hot.

I like to slurp my soup.

Over the line.
Sorry.

Don't look
at me like that.

You don't have
to be so sad.

This is something
that I want to do.

And at the end of the day,
I still get to choose who I want.

Really?

Really.

Well, I am very glad
that you told me that.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

What am I doing?

Wait. Wait. I haven't
shown you my baby chicken.

In case they don't come back.
Sure.

Good night, sir.

Thank you for the pillow.

Are you asleep?

I never told
you, but...

I just wanted to say
thank you for hiring me.

This job means
everything to my family.

Oh.

Now, I understand
this product.

To the worst double
date in history.

I'd say "Up your bum," but it's not
as much fun since our dates left.

Cheers.

Can you believe
that sausage fest?

Yeah, it's crazy.

Music is not
bad, though.

No, it's got
a good beat.

What if we went
out there?

As a joke.
Yeah, as a joke.

I'm in.
I'm in.

All right.

Madhuri, what did
you do last night?

That's great. I went on a double date.
It's what Americans do.

We went to Lal Mirch.
I had plenty of pakoras.

It was fantastic.
We had a good...

Todd. Are you
okay, man?

Oh, man.
India is the worst place for a hangover.

The heat, the smell,
the crowds...

Hey. How offensive
do you think it would be

if I bought a turban
and filled it with ice?

Man, I'm sorry about
your date disaster.

Mmm. You know
about that?

Everyone does.

We don't have an inter-office
newsletter, but we do have a Gupta.

Oh!
And Todd...

There's no unsubscribing.

Oh, man.

Hey.
Oh. Sir,

may I have your signature
right here, please?

Yeah. Sure.
Thank you.

Uh-huh.

You know, sir,

many of our customers who bought their
girlfriends the "Anti-Bitch" pills

later ended up buying the
"I'm So Sorry" teddy bear.

Why not save on shipping
and buy them both today, eh?

I'm sorry, ma'am, but the "World's Best
Mom" t-shirts are actually on back-order.

Aw, crap. I was going to
wear that to my parole hearing.

Asha.
Um, I wanted to apologize for last night

and the whole feet thing.

Yes, that was surprising.

I'm actually more accustomed to you
putting your foot in your mouth.

Yeah, I actually thought you
started touching me with your foot.

And you know,
I hate to leave a lady hanging.

Ah. So, chivalry isn't dead.

So, uh, what's...
What's next on the marriage agenda?

Your parents going to
meet some new guys,

and then there's
the talent portion...

Maybe the
swimsuit competition...

Actually,
I go over their bio-data.

Bio-data?
Yes.

It's a resume for
an arranged marriage.

Lists a man's education, his job,
his religion. Things like that.

Uh, interesting.

I wonder if I threw my bio-data
in the mix, how I would stack up.

I think you would make it
through the first round.

Really?

Yes.

In fact, I know a woman who
is considering you right now.

Todd.

Someone wants to speak
to the manager urgently.

Go ahead. Put them
through. Sorry, Asha.

Mid America Novelties.
This is Todd. How can I help you?

I'd like to lodge a complaint.
There's an evening I'd like to return.

Well, I'm sorry.
We don't do refunds.

Well, in that case,
I would like an exchange.

Let me describe the product
that I'm interested in.

Great smile. Hazel eyes...

And bloody adorable.

Well, that item isn't feeling
so adorable right now.

Last night, it got hammered and
danced with a bunch of dudes.

Well, lucky for you I've
got just the hangover cure.

So, last night was kind of weird,
with all the misunderstandings.

Yeah. Your foot went on
a walkabout in my crotch.

Well, now you know
I'm very direct.

No matter what the obstacle,
I go after what I want.

Yeah. Yeah, me, too.

You know, if you ever get tired of banging
your head against the wall with Asha,

you could always
try banging...

You know what? I think I've
made my position pretty clear.

Cheers.

Mumbai!

Charlie.
Hey.

What are you
doing in a hotel?

I have no idea. I drank so much,
I must have blacked out.

Last thing I remember,
I was on the dance floor with Tonya.

That great smile, hazel eyes,
cute little button nose...

Uh, Charlie, that was me.

You're strong enough
to dip me?

Yeah. You grabbed my boob.

I think it's best we just forget
the whole night ever happened.

Done. Hey, get me one of those coconuts,
will you?

I hate blacking out.

I hope I didn't embarrass
myself last night.

You know, we're passing lots
of stores that sell clothes.

I could loan you
a couple of bucks.

I don't borrow money.
I've got my dignity.

Nice breeze.

I am not looking forward to
the bus ride home in this heat.

All those people who
had lentils for lunch.

Gupta, what did you
have for lunch?

Lentils. Yeah, I'm not saying it's going
to be a pleasure cruise for them, either.

Well, I am going to sleep
like a baby tonight.

My father got his
air conditioning fixed.

I would invite you guys all over,
but you are not my equals.

That may offend you.

But it doesn't matter because,
once again, you are not my equals.

What do you think
you're doing?

Going home?
Did you sign your call logs?

Yes.
No?

How many times do I have to tell you?
You are incompetent.

Page 45 of the employee
manual clearly states

that you must sign your call
log at the end of every day.

Read it before you go home tonight.
If you can read.