Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Measure of a Manmeet - full transcript

When Todd reluctantly begins employee evaluations, the staff becomes nervous about their job security. After Todd's boss Jerry reviews the sales numbers, he tells Todd to fire one of his employees. Unwilling to lose a team member without a fight, Todd hatches a plan to save his staffer.

Good morning.

Good. Classic.


Oh, hello.
This morning on the bus,

there was a woman who looked
like she had 13 fingers...

Gupta is finally speechless.
I love this deer, man.

When I was 12-years-old, I went to
the zoo with my sister in Pondicherry

and we saw a deer
get mauled by a tiger.

And the tigers
were scary.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Good morning.
Why isn't anyone working?

Why is there
rice on the floor?

Why is there a deer
on the wall?

Is she screaming?
It's hard to tell.

Well, Sandy
from Toledo,

I can tell by your voice
you're beautiful.

Oh, you're just saying that.

No. No, I listen
to voices all day,

and yours tells me
you're about 30,

curves in all
the right places,

and you used to smoke, but you
stopped because you are worth it.

I'm 55, doctors say
I'm morbidly obese,

and I'm smoking
right now.

But you just keep talking, sweetie.

Okay. Need anything else,
just let me know.

Okay. I'll go over
your sales numbers.

In the meantime, get started on those
employee evaluations. Okay, Todd?

You got it, Jerry.

Hey, can I ask
you a favor?

I haven't had barbecue
since I got here.

Could you hold those ribs
up to the camera?

Going through a little BBQ
withdrawal, are you?

Can you see that?

You want me to make it
saucy for you, bud?


Oh, look at how messy
that is. Oh, yeah.

Mmm. Mmm.

Todd? I need you.

Oh, my God. He's eating human flesh.
He's Hannibal Lecter.

See you later, Jerry.

Relax. It's just barbecue.
I was missing some food from home.

You really miss
eating meat?

Oh! You don't understand this
because you're a vegetarian,

but barbecue is like a
religion to us back in Kansas.

I mean, babies don't suck on pacifiers.
They suck on ribs.

Todd, I think if I took
a job in another country,

I'd be excited to try
all the new kinds of food.

Yeah, sure.
But after a while,

you'd start missing all
your favorite Indian food.

You know, the yellow goopy
stuff and the red goopy stuff

and the brown lumpy stuff, and all
your goopies and lumpies would be gone.

Now, you're making me
hungry, man.

Oh, hey. Jerry wants us to
do employee evaluations.

Wonderful, sir. I'll bring the tissues for
the tears that will follow our rebukes.

Rajiv, no one
will be crying.

Well, if you do it right...

You know, I think I'm just
going to do it by myself.

Just remember, sir,
fear is the best motivator.

Sometimes, I think shame.
But mostly, fear.

If they ever build
another Death Star,

there's a captain's chair
with your name on it.

Is that
a management position?

You're always on time.
You really know the catalog.

The one thing that I'd like you to
work on is being more assertive.

Can you do that?

Okay. Ask me for something,
and be assertive.

It would be nice if you
could say my name correctly.

I've been mispronouncing it
the whole time?

Isn't it Ma-duh-ri?




I feel like we're saying
the same thing, right?

All right. All right. Everyone's doing
the head bobble thing, and I don't...

I don't know whether
it means a yes or a no.

I just want to say
your name right. Right?



You have the highest customer
satisfaction of anyone.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you, man. Now,
I have a surprise for you.

I know you're missing
the food from home,

so I stopped by a place that's
famous for their burgers.

No way!
You got me a hamburger!

Oh, my God!
You are a lifesaver.

Now, you take
a big bite, man.

It's good, huh?


It's a lentil burger. Oh!


Really good.


It tastes like sliding into
home plate with your mouth open.

Oh, you know what?
You could probably get real meat

at one of the nicer
hotels in town.

You know what?
I'll tell you what.

You pick the place.
I'm going to take you out to dinner.

I am going to have a steak,

and I don't care if every cow on
the way home gives me a dirty look.

Oh, yeah. You go ahead and cry.
Your sister was delicious.


All right, Gupta. I'm just
going to come out with it.

There have been some customer
complaints against you.

Some customers have been
complaining to me about you.

I'm not on the calls.
How could they complain about me?

I'm sorry.
I just felt cornered. Okay.

It seems to me like even
after you've made the sale,

you keep the customer
on the phone

when you should be
moving on to the next call.

I hear what you're saying.

Great. I think
we're done here.

All right.

So, I hear you are going out
to dinner with Manmeet.

Are you meeting him there?

Is he picking you up?
Are you going to see a movie after?

Gupta, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

You need to recognize
when a conversation is over.

I will not talk any...

You're moving a lot of add-ons
and you're doing really great.

So, any questions
for me?

Oh, thank God.

A definitive head movement.
What is this bobble thing?

Ah, the Indian head shake.
Oh, it always confuses Westerners.

What does it mean?

Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no.
Sometimes, neither.

Sometimes, both.

It's a way of answering
without answering.

So, like this?

Not like that. Here.

She was just bobbling me.

All right, guys. Thanks for staying
late. I appreciate it. Good night.

Sir, shall I get corporate on the line
to go over the company hug-a-thon?

I mean, evaluations.

No, we're going to be doing
a video conference right now.


I am going to meet Jerry,
boss of bosses?

Hey, Todd.
Ask me how it's going.

How's it going?

Uh, it's been a roller
coaster of a day. Whoa!

Oh, wow! Jerry, I want you to meet
my assistant manager, Rajiv Gidwani.

It is a pleasure
to meet you, sir.

I am enjoying the American irreverence
you bring to video chatting.

Hello, Rajiv!

Hello, Jerry!

Ah! Jerry, we conducted
employee evaluations today.

Good. So, you know
who you're going to fire?


That's why I had you
do evaluations, Todd.

Your sales don't justify the size
of your staff. So, lose somebody!

Consider it done, sir!

Wait... Wait a minute.
Just like that, lose someone?

The revenues are down!

Okay, Todd. Seriously,
revenues are down.

Now, it's not your fault,
but it is your problem.

My people are working hard.
They're doing the best that they can.

Hey, Todd? Todd?

Uh, how many Indians does
it take to sell novelties?

Uh, one less
than you have now.

Because if you...
No, I get it.

Shh! Shh!

I heard the boss from
Kansas City on the computer.

He says someone
is going to be fired.

Really? Who?

I don't know.

Could it be someone who wastes
people's time telling stories

no one wants to hear?

No. I think you're safe.

So, you've got
to fire someone.

You just got to
toughen up and do it.

If you were a hunter like me,
it wouldn't be so hard.

I can look at a herd of elk and
pick which one I'm going to shoot.

I may even
lock eyes with him.

Feel a connection.
Like I can read his mind.

"The grass here is sweet. We picked
a good place to spend the summer.

"I hope the line for the river
isn't too..." Bam! He's dead!

Damn it, Charlie!

Sorry, I'm stealthy.

If you were an elk, you'd already be
strapped to the hood of my PT Cruiser.

Yeah, well, this isn't an elk.
We're talking about one of my employees.

I wish there was
something else I could do.

Maybe if I got the numbers up,
I wouldn't have to fire anyone.

Why is this eating
at you so much?

You have fired
someone before, right?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, no.
Well, in high school,

I had to kick David Wantanabe off the
debate team for being argumentative.

It took forever.
You know what your problem is?

You're too close to your employees.
You need some distance.

The guys that work for me,
I don't even know their names.

That's Frodo, Morpheus,
Indian Jones. He wore a hat one day.

And my personal
favorite, Roger Ebert.

He looks nothing
like Roger Ebert.

Check this out.

You know, that's
kind of demeaning.

You should at least
learn their names.

No, they're into it.
They have a nickname for me, too.

They call me Einstein.

Oh, that's cool.
You let them take a shot at you, too.

What do you mean, "shot"?


You didn't fire anyone
without me, did you?

Oh... Stop. Stop that.

You're right. It's beneath me.
Workers? Count yourselves.

Oh, one.

No. Guys, guys.

You don't have to do that. Just sit down
and go back to work, please. Thanks.

We're not firing anyone.
You got that?

Hey, don't bobble me.
I'm in on the bobble now.

But Jerry said...

No, Jerry said we had to lose someone
because the numbers are down. Right?

I want to find the person with the
lowest sales and help them improve.

I mean, everyone here
has potential.

"Everyone has potential."
I'll file that under American myths.

In between the "The sky's
the limit" and the WNBA.

So, I was compiling these sales numbers,
and I think that...


Is Gupta trying
to read our lips?


Impossible. That's what
the mustache is for.

So, who has the lowest numbers?
Please tell me it's Gupta.

No, Gupta is fine.

It's Gupta.

Gupta is fired.

What do I do?

This doesn't
make any sense.

Manmeet has
the lowest numbers?

Yeah, but he's always
on the phone.

If he's not selling,
what the hell is he doing?

Oh, Jenny.

Your voice sounds
so sexy before bedtime.

I wish I were
there with you.

I wish
you were here, too.

I just love your accent. You could
say anything and it would be sexy.


Oh, stop.
Say it again.


See what I mean?

Oh, Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Listen to me.
The bangs will grow back.

Think of it this way. Less hair means
more of your beautiful face can be seen.

Oh! You are
sweeter than honey.

I would say put me in your tea,
if you didn't have Type 2 diabetes.

Oh, you remembered!

Yes, I did.

Listen to me. Kids need rules and
boundaries. If Tyler acts up tomorrow,

I will speak to him. I don't want
him disrespecting his mother.

That's my job.

Sorry. I... I don't know
what I mean by that.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Drifting
in her sweet ride, drinking Hennessy.

Linda is my girl from
the streets of Tennessee.

I... I know, Linda, but there's nothing
that rhymes with Hendersonville.

But then,
the drums come in.


Good night.


Good night.


That's okay, Todd.
I'm going to stay.

If you smell something burning, don't
be alarmed. It's just my midnight oil.

Gupta, you've got to go.
But I love my job.

Out. Now.

So, this is how it ends?

Heart of stone.

Hey, we need to get a taxi if we're
going to make the reservation.

Oh, I saw online. They have
a Kansas City Strip Steak.

Oh, you know,
one thing confuses me, though.

They kill the cow,
then they age the meat.

Why not just let the cow
live a little longer?

Yeah. The restaurant's
not going to happen tonight.

Manmeet, you're not making
any sales on the phone.

Well, I'm... I'm just
in a slump, man.

No, you're not. I've been
listening to your calls,

and all you've been doing
is flirting with women.

Did you think you were gonna get away
with it just 'cause we're hanging out?

No, Todd.
'Cause it's not going to work that way.

I would never do that.

This just happened.

How does it just happen that you
waste hours flirting at work?

Well, I didn't
mean to do it.

I have something special
with Debbie.

And Wanda.

And Linda.

I don't know about Stephanie. She said some
racist things I don't think I can get past.

Yeah, well,
here's a crazy idea.

Why don't you do your job, and then
talk to women here, outside of work?

This is different, man.

The women on the phone don't care what
caste I am or what my father does.

Todd, you know,
I... I've never been out of Mumbai.

And now, I'm talking to all
these women from exotic places

like Des Moines.

Fresno. Chattanooga.

Manmeet, if you don't get your sales
numbers up by the end of the week,

I have to fire you.

That won't happen, sir.
I'll get my numbers up. Okay?

You're my friend, Todd.
I... I won't let you down.

All right.

No more girlfriends
on the phone. All right?

No. No.

Can I at least
say goodbye?

Yeah. Yeah. Just this once,
I'll let you make outgoing calls.

Thank you.

So, how many women
are we talking about here?

I'll start with the Western
United States and move east.




Hey, aren't you
one of Todd's workers?

I used to be.

No way. Todd actually
sacked up and fired you?


Hey, you run
a call center.


Do you have
any job openings?

You got references?

I just got fired
by Todd in there.

I will be in touch.


Much later.

Please call me
in the morning.

Kelly, I'm afraid I have to
put our romance on hold.

Your estimated
wait time is


Uh, I'm sorry, Mary.
I... I... I...

"It's not you. It's me.
This always works."


Hey. Am I on speaker?

Hi, Manmeet!
Oh, great.

Ah! To all the ladies
of Kappa Gamma Gamma,

I will miss your drunken calls,
your eating disorders,

your pregnancy scares.

You are a great
group of girls.

Go, Spartans! Yeah.

Go to sleep,
beautiful Linda

Lay your head on a cloud

Go to sleep, beautiful Linda,
Lay your head on a cloud

I'm sorry. It's over.

Oh, Janet. I know you'll miss
my voice talking you to sleep,

but I can't do that anymore.


Unless you'd like to buy
a singing teddy bear.

Which I could
record my voice on,

and then I'd be with you
every night.

Ah, that's great.

What message would you
like to fall asleep to?

Janet, that... That's...
That's filthy.

I can't... I can't make a cute
little teddy bear say that.

Just, please,
listen to me, okay?

Don't... Don't...
Don't get angry.

Dana, really...
What are you...

Dana, I... I understand
that you're mad at me

and there's nothing that I can do
that will make you feel better.

But maybe
an inflatable punching bag

that says "Men Suck"
will ease your pain.


What is the meaning of this?

I asked Manmeet to break up
with his girlfriends,

and he ended up
selling them products.

He might have broken some hearts,
but I think he broke a sales record.

You made all these sales?

Yeah. Jerry says I don't have
to fire him or anybody else.

You see, Rajiv?

You give someone a chance, good stuff
happens. That's how Karma works.

Oh. Thank you for
the lesson on Karma.

Maybe I can come by later
for some sitar lessons.

Hey, buddy,
you should be happy.

Our numbers keep going up,
you are in line for a raise.



Gupta, where
have you been?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Now that I've been fired,
I have a few things to say before I go.

Gupta, you were never...

No! I talk.
You listen.

You! Tall guy!
Your breath smells like my feet.

And you, quiet one. I find your
taste in jewelry to be gaudy.

And you, pretty one.

You want me?
You can never have me.

Gupta, before you
go any further...

You! Mr. All-American, with your
perfect hair and your winning smile.


I'll get back to you.

Everyone, I'm ashamed to think that
I ever called any of you my friend.

What, what, what?

You were never fired.

One more time.

You were never fired.

I guess we all know what we're
going to be talking about at lunch.


You can have me now, Asha.