Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
When manager Todd Dempsy returns to work after management training, he learns that the Mid America Novelties call center has been outsourced to Mumbai, India. In order to keep his job, Todd is left no choice but to relocate to India. There he meets his eclectic group of employees, and soon realizes that teaching them to understand America will be the first of many hurdles that he needs to overcome. Todd also discovers other foreign transplants working in his office building, including American expatriate Charlie Davies who runs the All American Hunter call center, and Tonya a beautiful Australian who runs the call center for Koala Air.
Todd! You're back, huh?
How was management training?
What happened?
Um, where is everybody?
Costs were through the roof.
You know, pensions,
health care.
We had to do
a little right-sizing.
There's no one here.
Exactly. That's what
makes us the right size.
Yesterday, we outsourced
the entire call center to India.
"you bastard"?
That's for me.
Wait. Wait a minute.
Jerry, I went through training
specifically
to run this call center.
- I know.
- And?
We still want you
to run the call center...
in India.
Ha ha ha!
You want me to go to ?
Todd, if you do this
for the company,
we're gonna bump you
up to Vice President.
And if you don't, well,
we're already the right size.
There are no more positions here.
Wait, so you're saying,
go to India,
or I'm out of a job?
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
I worked hard
for this company.
I was the best salesman.
And you know what?
Who's to say
I'm not gonna go out there
and start
my own novelties company, huh?
Don't you owe, like,
40 grand in student loans?
Whoa!
Oh, man, this is insane!
It's like... it's like frogger,
but with real people.
Before we arrive,
I took the liberty
Of having these name tags made.
Oh. "Todd Dempsey: Manager."
Wow. Thank you, Rajiv.
Yours says manager, too.
You are most perceptive.
As they say in America,
"your elevator
goes to the penthouse."
We don't really say that.
I think you do.
Why does yours say manager, too?
Oh, I'm simply planning ahead.
You see,
after you return to America,
I will become manager
of the call center.
I thought to myself,
why print a name tag
that says "assistant manager"
when it is only a matter of time
before you triumph here
and make a glorious homecoming?
Oh, wow. So you've got it
all figured out, huh?
After I become manager,
my salary will increase enough
that I will be able to move out
of my parents' apartment
and finally marry Vimi.
It seems our fates
are tied, sir.
Your triumphs
are my triumphs.
Your victories
are my victories.
We need a victory.
Indian man: Okay, thank you
very much, please. Good-bye.
Come now!
You are paid to work, not to sit
around doing chitchat!
It is my great pleasure
to introduce Mr. Todd Dempsey.
Hello.
Hello, everyone.
I'm, uh, really...
I'm, uh... looking forward
to working with
all of you as your manager,
so, uh, let's get to know
one another, okay?
- My name is Gupta...
- Hello.
- Hi. Todd.
- Manindra.
M... nice name.
Hello. Uh...Okay.
Hello. Um,
and your name is, uh...
Madhuri.
What? Excuse me?
Madhuri.
Just a little louder
this time.
Ahem.
Madhuri.
I'm sorry, I'm not...
Uh, moving on.
She works the phones?
Really?
- Hi. Hello.
- Oh.
I'm Manmeet.
Man-meat?
Yes, Manmeet.
Your name is man-meat?
Yes.
Well, guess it must be
hard to chat on the internet
with a name like man-meat.
All right,
we will talk later.
Okay.
Hello.
Hello. I'm Asha.
Ah, nice to meet you, Asha.
That is a pretty name.
Thank you.
It means "hope".
Really? Well,
in that case, I "asha"
to get to know you better.
Hope to get to know you.
Yes, I understand.
- All right.
- My name is Gupta...
I will get to know the rest
of you throughout the day.
The phones are switching
over later.
And, oh, in the meantime,
I'm not sure what religion
you guys are,
but this is your new bible.
And the first commandment
is know this catalog.
Sir, if I may,
I would like to show you
to our offices
in the executive suite.
Please follow me.
Here we are.
Whoa!
There's a cow.
You gotta be kidding me.
Yes, the cow
is considered sacred.
It can go where it pleases.
Really? Wow.
Well, I guess you don't have
to go far for the creamer.
Please do not touch the cow.
Of course not.
I know it must be difficult
for you Americans to understand,
since you eat hamburgers
morning, noon, and night.
You are so wealthy,
you practically bathe in meat.
Whoa, where do you
get your news, man?
But for us Hindus,
the cow is not a source of meat.
It is sacred
because of the milk it brings.
Muslims and Jews
do not eat pigs.
We do not eat cows.
Is it so crazy?
Yeah, Rajiv, I get it.
The cow is
not a source of meat.
It is a religious thing.
You know, I'm gonna respect
your traditions.
So what time is lunch?
Okay, uh, just give me
some of that...
Yellow and green stuff.
Hey, are you American?
Saddle up.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Yeah.
Charlie Davies.
I run the call center
for All American Hunter.
Todd Dempsey.
I'm running the call center
for Mid America Novelties.
- Oh.
- Just started today.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
What?
You got the pepper thing.
- So?
- Do you hate your own ass?
Really?
It's that spicy?
If you eat that, you'll be
crapping yourself for five days.
Not talking about two days
or three days
or four and a little...
I'm talking
about five full days.
Here.
Jiffy peanut butter
and smucker's grape jelly.
I get it shipped from home.
Cheetos, hostess cupcake,
and my backup sandwich,
honey-glazed ham
and good old American cheese.
As far as I'm concerned,
you're not a world power
until you've got a cheese named
after your country.
So the superpowers are us,
the Swiss...
I'm not into politics, okay?
Okay.
Well, thanks, um...
But I'm sure
I'll find some indian food
that I like eventually.
Yeah, if you last that long.
What's that supposed to mean?
Look, no offense, but I've
seen it a million times.
Guys get homesick,
they can't hack it here,
so they quit
and go back to the States.
Well, I don't have
a job to go back to.
I have to make this .
Well, you better hope you've
got some decent employees.
Aren't all the workers
kind of the same?
Not even close.
There's an "A" team
and a "B" team.
How do you tell
the difference?
Well, that's the "A" team
over there.
They all work for the big boys,
like Intel and app.
They've all been
to the States.
They've even studied
all our different accents.
No way.
Hey, you, come here.
Yes, what is it?
Tell me something.
You know what grits are?
Well, grits is just ground up corn.
I tell you what, my Mama
used to make the best grits.
All right.
I'd be sittin'
on the front porch
with my hound dog, freedom,
sippin' on some sweet...
All right, enough!
Y'all take care.
Creepy, isn't it?
It's like they're pod people
or something.
Is that your group
over there?
Yeah, they probably don't know
squat about America.
Looks like you got
the "B" team, my friend.
I wouldn't unpack
if I were you.
G'day, mate.
That's Tonya.
She runs the call center
for Koala Airlines.
That is some grade "A" Aussie
right there.
She is, uh...
They got that accent,
they're all outdoorsy,
and they're all descended
from convicts.
God, I love Australian women.
So what's her story?
Ah, don't waste your time, man.
I've seen her here for months.
She hasn't said two words to me.
Hi.
I'm guessing
you're a new bloke.
Uh, yeah.
I just started today.
- Tonya.
- Todd.
Just thought
I'd come and say hi.
You ever need a chat,
just drop by the office.
You need all the mates you can
get out here in woop woop.
Woop woop?
Sorry, that's Aussie for
out in the middle of nowhere.
I think you Yanks say
out in the sticks.
Oh, no, I like woop woop.
It's fun to say.
Woop woop.
Woop woop!
It is fun.
Well, um, cheers.
Oh, no.
Oh, did you read the paper?
There was a...
Please don't come in here.
What's the matter with him?
He won't stop talking.
Believe me, you don't want to
get stuck with Gupta.
Oh, yeah, we had a guy like
that back in my old office.
Ed Millner.
He'd never shut up.
You got stuck with him
in the break room, forget it.
You couldn't shake him.
So how did you handle it?
Hello, you...
Where did...
Oh, okay.
Yeah, back home,
we had a bigger pantry.
Do you know any redheads?
Excuse me?
I'm looking for a wife,
and I like redheads.
And blondes.
Dark hair, too.
So, all women?
Yes, all of them.
Well, my ex-girlfriend
was actually a redhead.
- Ex-girlfriend?
- Yeah.
Did she say no?
Not usually.
Say no to what?
When you asked her
to marry you.
Oh, I didn't ask her
to marry me.
We were just dating.
Dating until
you get married, nah?
No.
No, no, you see, Manmeet,
in America,
you date someone for a while
Before you decide
if you want to get married.
Right?
You date a woman,
it doesn't work out,
you date another one,
and then another one,
and so on.
Okay.
I realize that sounds
kind of meaningless, but...
It sounds wonderful.
Did you read that story
in the paper about the inchworms
That are both male and female?
No.
They have both
the boy and girl parts,
Just like my Auntie Nilu,
which comes in handy
when she goes to the cinema,
because she can
use either bathroom.
She can sit, she can stand.
It's a matter of convenience.
Aah!
Aah!
The Novelties are here.
Blood puddle.
Page 21.
Sweet.
The key to our success
is selling add-ons.
You know, somebody calls
to buy a product,
we suggest a related product
for them to buy as an add-on.
So let's say somebody calls and
they want to buy this, right?
Green bay packers' colors,
might want to suggest
that they also buy...
A cheese head.
What is a cheese head?
You put this on when
you're roong for the packers.
All right, all right, all right.
Let's not make fun
of each other's headgear, right?
I mean, you guys have got
some pretty crazy-looking hats
yourselves.
Mostly on the women, though.
Sir?
Uh, Todd.
Todd, I think
the problem we're having here
is that even if we memorize
the catalog,
what we are memorizing
makes no sense to us.
What do you mean,
it doesn't make sense?
Well, for example, here
is the mistletoe novelty.
Even if I memorize
the item number,
that won't help me,
because I don't know
what a mistletoe is.
Okay. Well,
mistletoe is something that you
put up at a Christmas party.
It's like a shrub,
and you hang it in a doorway,
and you wait for a really
hot woman to come along.
You surprise her by standing
next to her under the mistletoe,
and it's a little awkward,
but she has to kiss you...
By law.
- No!
- Mm.
Then what is
this mistletoe belt buckle?
Oh, that's pretty clever.
So you're supposed to kiss
under the mistletoe, right?
So if you wore that,
Someone would have
to kiss you... down there.
Ohh!
This is how you celebrate
the birthday
Of the son of your God?
Americans, we can have fun
and be holy at the same time.
Next question.
Why do Americans need
these things?
Ah. We don't.
Then what is the purpose?
There is no purpose.
In America,
you can do whatever you want.
You could be the President,
or a scientist,
or you could even invent...
novelties like...
What is that, man?
This? This is exactly
what I'm talking about.
See, maybe no one needs this,
but in America, no one can stop
you from making it.
This is the definition
of freedom.
This is "jingle jugs."
Good one.
Oh, here we go, guys.
Todd, I'll take it.
Yeah. Go for it.
Go for it.
Thank you for calling
Mid Novelties.
How can I help you?
Yeah, I want that mug
on page six.
Of course.
Can I please have
the item number?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, okay, let's see.
Uh... It's 256-kpr.
That's 256, "k" as in Krishna,
"p" as in Punjabi,
"r" as in Ramayana.
Ram-rama-what?
Where am I calling?
Is this India?
No.
Am I calling freakin' India
to get a mug
that says "America's #1"?
No.
We're in Detroit,
city of motors
and black people.
Okay.
Well, let's, um...
Let's take a five.
Rajiv, can I...?
I have a question
about the workers.
Don't worry, sir,
I have a plan.
I've hired one employee
specifically to be fired.
This will scare the others
into working harder.
No, no, no,
I'm not gonna fire someone
just to make
the others scared.
She doesn't
belong here anyway.
She is of a lower caste.
Yeah, well, my question
is about all the workers.
I mean...
Are these really the best
workers that you could find?
Sir,
are you suggesting
I hired lesser employees
to make you look bad?
No, of course not.
Why would you do that?
I mean, if I can't make
this office work,
they're gonna get rid of me.
In which case,
they will need a new manager.
Perhaps they'll try a local.
Rajiv, I thought you were
on my side.
I thought
my success was your success.
It is.
But also, your failure
is my success.
Either way,
I'm rooting for you.
Big fan.
Big fan.
I've always wanted a pet.
Bad dog!
Rover.
Okay, guys.
It's a farting garden gnome.
It's pretty cool, huh?
Okay, here's the deal.
So Asha was right.
Even if you guys memorize
the catalog,
you're not really getting
the cultural stuff.
So it's time you guys learned
about America.
Put that coffee down!
Coffee's for closers only.
No.
- No, just, just...
- what?
We're just... no.
All right, these phones
are gonna start ringing soon,
and we have to do better
than yesterday, all right?
We have to start pushing
those add-ons,
or we're all gonna be
out of a job.
Look, we may not be
the cream of the crop.
We're more like
the bad news bears.
No one knows who
the bad news bears were?
Sir, I would venture to say
that they are bears,
who, when they come into town,
it is very bad news indeed.
No.
Because they are bears.
No.
Who wants a bear
in their village?
No, Rajiv, it's a movie.
It's a movie about a baseball
team with a bunch of losers.
Are we the losers
in this story?
Yes.
No. No! No, no.
Because my point
is that everyone
thought they were losers
until they proved
people wrong,
and that is exactly
what you are gonna do.
So, by the end of today,
I want everyone,
and I mean everyone,
to sell one add-on.
Or what?
There is no "or what,"
'cause I believe
you're gonna do it.
Sir, if you
like the beer helmet,
we also have a t-shirt
which says,
"beer makes
my clothes fall off."
I'm wearing one right now.
No, you're a liar.
Let me read that item number
back to you.
That's 732-grf.
"g" as in goodfellas,
"r" as in raging bull,
"f" as in...
Forgetaboutit.
Sir, we have that in stock.
Many of our customers
who bought
our confederate flag
shot glasses
also purchased a deer head
which you can mount on the wall.
Why would I mount a deer
I didn't shoot?
Because this deer sings
Sweet home Alabama.
Okay,
now, that's funny.
Your cheese heads
are on the way.
Okay, who hasn't
sold an add-on yet?
Mid America Novelties,
how can I help you?
Hello?
How can I help you?
Hello? Hello!
Is anyone there?
Hello!
How can I help you?
Hi. Yeah, I'd like to order
the fake dog poo.
Wonderful choice.
Yeah, my roommate's really
getting on my nerves, you know.
I just wanna freak him out.
In that case,
could I also interest you
in our fake vomit on page 23,
lower left hand of the page?
Mm, I don't know.
This vomit, does it look real?
Well, it makes me sick
to look at it.
Hmm.
Okay. Yeah, sure, fine.
Why not?
I'll get the vomit, too.
Okay!
I knew you could do it.
I knew it.
Why are people clapping?
Oh, get the credit card info.
Oh, sir?
How would you like to pay
for your vomit and your poo?
So you survived another day.
Yeah.
Looks like you're stuck
with me for a while.
I guess so.
Just for morale,
you know?
Go for it.
Yeah.
How was management training?
What happened?
Um, where is everybody?
Costs were through the roof.
You know, pensions,
health care.
We had to do
a little right-sizing.
There's no one here.
Exactly. That's what
makes us the right size.
Yesterday, we outsourced
the entire call center to India.
"you bastard"?
That's for me.
Wait. Wait a minute.
Jerry, I went through training
specifically
to run this call center.
- I know.
- And?
We still want you
to run the call center...
in India.
Ha ha ha!
You want me to go to ?
Todd, if you do this
for the company,
we're gonna bump you
up to Vice President.
And if you don't, well,
we're already the right size.
There are no more positions here.
Wait, so you're saying,
go to India,
or I'm out of a job?
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
I worked hard
for this company.
I was the best salesman.
And you know what?
Who's to say
I'm not gonna go out there
and start
my own novelties company, huh?
Don't you owe, like,
40 grand in student loans?
Whoa!
Oh, man, this is insane!
It's like... it's like frogger,
but with real people.
Before we arrive,
I took the liberty
Of having these name tags made.
Oh. "Todd Dempsey: Manager."
Wow. Thank you, Rajiv.
Yours says manager, too.
You are most perceptive.
As they say in America,
"your elevator
goes to the penthouse."
We don't really say that.
I think you do.
Why does yours say manager, too?
Oh, I'm simply planning ahead.
You see,
after you return to America,
I will become manager
of the call center.
I thought to myself,
why print a name tag
that says "assistant manager"
when it is only a matter of time
before you triumph here
and make a glorious homecoming?
Oh, wow. So you've got it
all figured out, huh?
After I become manager,
my salary will increase enough
that I will be able to move out
of my parents' apartment
and finally marry Vimi.
It seems our fates
are tied, sir.
Your triumphs
are my triumphs.
Your victories
are my victories.
We need a victory.
Indian man: Okay, thank you
very much, please. Good-bye.
Come now!
You are paid to work, not to sit
around doing chitchat!
It is my great pleasure
to introduce Mr. Todd Dempsey.
Hello.
Hello, everyone.
I'm, uh, really...
I'm, uh... looking forward
to working with
all of you as your manager,
so, uh, let's get to know
one another, okay?
- My name is Gupta...
- Hello.
- Hi. Todd.
- Manindra.
M... nice name.
Hello. Uh...Okay.
Hello. Um,
and your name is, uh...
Madhuri.
What? Excuse me?
Madhuri.
Just a little louder
this time.
Ahem.
Madhuri.
I'm sorry, I'm not...
Uh, moving on.
She works the phones?
Really?
- Hi. Hello.
- Oh.
I'm Manmeet.
Man-meat?
Yes, Manmeet.
Your name is man-meat?
Yes.
Well, guess it must be
hard to chat on the internet
with a name like man-meat.
All right,
we will talk later.
Okay.
Hello.
Hello. I'm Asha.
Ah, nice to meet you, Asha.
That is a pretty name.
Thank you.
It means "hope".
Really? Well,
in that case, I "asha"
to get to know you better.
Hope to get to know you.
Yes, I understand.
- All right.
- My name is Gupta...
I will get to know the rest
of you throughout the day.
The phones are switching
over later.
And, oh, in the meantime,
I'm not sure what religion
you guys are,
but this is your new bible.
And the first commandment
is know this catalog.
Sir, if I may,
I would like to show you
to our offices
in the executive suite.
Please follow me.
Here we are.
Whoa!
There's a cow.
You gotta be kidding me.
Yes, the cow
is considered sacred.
It can go where it pleases.
Really? Wow.
Well, I guess you don't have
to go far for the creamer.
Please do not touch the cow.
Of course not.
I know it must be difficult
for you Americans to understand,
since you eat hamburgers
morning, noon, and night.
You are so wealthy,
you practically bathe in meat.
Whoa, where do you
get your news, man?
But for us Hindus,
the cow is not a source of meat.
It is sacred
because of the milk it brings.
Muslims and Jews
do not eat pigs.
We do not eat cows.
Is it so crazy?
Yeah, Rajiv, I get it.
The cow is
not a source of meat.
It is a religious thing.
You know, I'm gonna respect
your traditions.
So what time is lunch?
Okay, uh, just give me
some of that...
Yellow and green stuff.
Hey, are you American?
Saddle up.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Yeah.
Charlie Davies.
I run the call center
for All American Hunter.
Todd Dempsey.
I'm running the call center
for Mid America Novelties.
- Oh.
- Just started today.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
What?
You got the pepper thing.
- So?
- Do you hate your own ass?
Really?
It's that spicy?
If you eat that, you'll be
crapping yourself for five days.
Not talking about two days
or three days
or four and a little...
I'm talking
about five full days.
Here.
Jiffy peanut butter
and smucker's grape jelly.
I get it shipped from home.
Cheetos, hostess cupcake,
and my backup sandwich,
honey-glazed ham
and good old American cheese.
As far as I'm concerned,
you're not a world power
until you've got a cheese named
after your country.
So the superpowers are us,
the Swiss...
I'm not into politics, okay?
Okay.
Well, thanks, um...
But I'm sure
I'll find some indian food
that I like eventually.
Yeah, if you last that long.
What's that supposed to mean?
Look, no offense, but I've
seen it a million times.
Guys get homesick,
they can't hack it here,
so they quit
and go back to the States.
Well, I don't have
a job to go back to.
I have to make this .
Well, you better hope you've
got some decent employees.
Aren't all the workers
kind of the same?
Not even close.
There's an "A" team
and a "B" team.
How do you tell
the difference?
Well, that's the "A" team
over there.
They all work for the big boys,
like Intel and app.
They've all been
to the States.
They've even studied
all our different accents.
No way.
Hey, you, come here.
Yes, what is it?
Tell me something.
You know what grits are?
Well, grits is just ground up corn.
I tell you what, my Mama
used to make the best grits.
All right.
I'd be sittin'
on the front porch
with my hound dog, freedom,
sippin' on some sweet...
All right, enough!
Y'all take care.
Creepy, isn't it?
It's like they're pod people
or something.
Is that your group
over there?
Yeah, they probably don't know
squat about America.
Looks like you got
the "B" team, my friend.
I wouldn't unpack
if I were you.
G'day, mate.
That's Tonya.
She runs the call center
for Koala Airlines.
That is some grade "A" Aussie
right there.
She is, uh...
They got that accent,
they're all outdoorsy,
and they're all descended
from convicts.
God, I love Australian women.
So what's her story?
Ah, don't waste your time, man.
I've seen her here for months.
She hasn't said two words to me.
Hi.
I'm guessing
you're a new bloke.
Uh, yeah.
I just started today.
- Tonya.
- Todd.
Just thought
I'd come and say hi.
You ever need a chat,
just drop by the office.
You need all the mates you can
get out here in woop woop.
Woop woop?
Sorry, that's Aussie for
out in the middle of nowhere.
I think you Yanks say
out in the sticks.
Oh, no, I like woop woop.
It's fun to say.
Woop woop.
Woop woop!
It is fun.
Well, um, cheers.
Oh, no.
Oh, did you read the paper?
There was a...
Please don't come in here.
What's the matter with him?
He won't stop talking.
Believe me, you don't want to
get stuck with Gupta.
Oh, yeah, we had a guy like
that back in my old office.
Ed Millner.
He'd never shut up.
You got stuck with him
in the break room, forget it.
You couldn't shake him.
So how did you handle it?
Hello, you...
Where did...
Oh, okay.
Yeah, back home,
we had a bigger pantry.
Do you know any redheads?
Excuse me?
I'm looking for a wife,
and I like redheads.
And blondes.
Dark hair, too.
So, all women?
Yes, all of them.
Well, my ex-girlfriend
was actually a redhead.
- Ex-girlfriend?
- Yeah.
Did she say no?
Not usually.
Say no to what?
When you asked her
to marry you.
Oh, I didn't ask her
to marry me.
We were just dating.
Dating until
you get married, nah?
No.
No, no, you see, Manmeet,
in America,
you date someone for a while
Before you decide
if you want to get married.
Right?
You date a woman,
it doesn't work out,
you date another one,
and then another one,
and so on.
Okay.
I realize that sounds
kind of meaningless, but...
It sounds wonderful.
Did you read that story
in the paper about the inchworms
That are both male and female?
No.
They have both
the boy and girl parts,
Just like my Auntie Nilu,
which comes in handy
when she goes to the cinema,
because she can
use either bathroom.
She can sit, she can stand.
It's a matter of convenience.
Aah!
Aah!
The Novelties are here.
Blood puddle.
Page 21.
Sweet.
The key to our success
is selling add-ons.
You know, somebody calls
to buy a product,
we suggest a related product
for them to buy as an add-on.
So let's say somebody calls and
they want to buy this, right?
Green bay packers' colors,
might want to suggest
that they also buy...
A cheese head.
What is a cheese head?
You put this on when
you're roong for the packers.
All right, all right, all right.
Let's not make fun
of each other's headgear, right?
I mean, you guys have got
some pretty crazy-looking hats
yourselves.
Mostly on the women, though.
Sir?
Uh, Todd.
Todd, I think
the problem we're having here
is that even if we memorize
the catalog,
what we are memorizing
makes no sense to us.
What do you mean,
it doesn't make sense?
Well, for example, here
is the mistletoe novelty.
Even if I memorize
the item number,
that won't help me,
because I don't know
what a mistletoe is.
Okay. Well,
mistletoe is something that you
put up at a Christmas party.
It's like a shrub,
and you hang it in a doorway,
and you wait for a really
hot woman to come along.
You surprise her by standing
next to her under the mistletoe,
and it's a little awkward,
but she has to kiss you...
By law.
- No!
- Mm.
Then what is
this mistletoe belt buckle?
Oh, that's pretty clever.
So you're supposed to kiss
under the mistletoe, right?
So if you wore that,
Someone would have
to kiss you... down there.
Ohh!
This is how you celebrate
the birthday
Of the son of your God?
Americans, we can have fun
and be holy at the same time.
Next question.
Why do Americans need
these things?
Ah. We don't.
Then what is the purpose?
There is no purpose.
In America,
you can do whatever you want.
You could be the President,
or a scientist,
or you could even invent...
novelties like...
What is that, man?
This? This is exactly
what I'm talking about.
See, maybe no one needs this,
but in America, no one can stop
you from making it.
This is the definition
of freedom.
This is "jingle jugs."
Good one.
Oh, here we go, guys.
Todd, I'll take it.
Yeah. Go for it.
Go for it.
Thank you for calling
Mid Novelties.
How can I help you?
Yeah, I want that mug
on page six.
Of course.
Can I please have
the item number?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, okay, let's see.
Uh... It's 256-kpr.
That's 256, "k" as in Krishna,
"p" as in Punjabi,
"r" as in Ramayana.
Ram-rama-what?
Where am I calling?
Is this India?
No.
Am I calling freakin' India
to get a mug
that says "America's #1"?
No.
We're in Detroit,
city of motors
and black people.
Okay.
Well, let's, um...
Let's take a five.
Rajiv, can I...?
I have a question
about the workers.
Don't worry, sir,
I have a plan.
I've hired one employee
specifically to be fired.
This will scare the others
into working harder.
No, no, no,
I'm not gonna fire someone
just to make
the others scared.
She doesn't
belong here anyway.
She is of a lower caste.
Yeah, well, my question
is about all the workers.
I mean...
Are these really the best
workers that you could find?
Sir,
are you suggesting
I hired lesser employees
to make you look bad?
No, of course not.
Why would you do that?
I mean, if I can't make
this office work,
they're gonna get rid of me.
In which case,
they will need a new manager.
Perhaps they'll try a local.
Rajiv, I thought you were
on my side.
I thought
my success was your success.
It is.
But also, your failure
is my success.
Either way,
I'm rooting for you.
Big fan.
Big fan.
I've always wanted a pet.
Bad dog!
Rover.
Okay, guys.
It's a farting garden gnome.
It's pretty cool, huh?
Okay, here's the deal.
So Asha was right.
Even if you guys memorize
the catalog,
you're not really getting
the cultural stuff.
So it's time you guys learned
about America.
Put that coffee down!
Coffee's for closers only.
No.
- No, just, just...
- what?
We're just... no.
All right, these phones
are gonna start ringing soon,
and we have to do better
than yesterday, all right?
We have to start pushing
those add-ons,
or we're all gonna be
out of a job.
Look, we may not be
the cream of the crop.
We're more like
the bad news bears.
No one knows who
the bad news bears were?
Sir, I would venture to say
that they are bears,
who, when they come into town,
it is very bad news indeed.
No.
Because they are bears.
No.
Who wants a bear
in their village?
No, Rajiv, it's a movie.
It's a movie about a baseball
team with a bunch of losers.
Are we the losers
in this story?
Yes.
No. No! No, no.
Because my point
is that everyone
thought they were losers
until they proved
people wrong,
and that is exactly
what you are gonna do.
So, by the end of today,
I want everyone,
and I mean everyone,
to sell one add-on.
Or what?
There is no "or what,"
'cause I believe
you're gonna do it.
Sir, if you
like the beer helmet,
we also have a t-shirt
which says,
"beer makes
my clothes fall off."
I'm wearing one right now.
No, you're a liar.
Let me read that item number
back to you.
That's 732-grf.
"g" as in goodfellas,
"r" as in raging bull,
"f" as in...
Forgetaboutit.
Sir, we have that in stock.
Many of our customers
who bought
our confederate flag
shot glasses
also purchased a deer head
which you can mount on the wall.
Why would I mount a deer
I didn't shoot?
Because this deer sings
Sweet home Alabama.
Okay,
now, that's funny.
Your cheese heads
are on the way.
Okay, who hasn't
sold an add-on yet?
Mid America Novelties,
how can I help you?
Hello?
How can I help you?
Hello? Hello!
Is anyone there?
Hello!
How can I help you?
Hi. Yeah, I'd like to order
the fake dog poo.
Wonderful choice.
Yeah, my roommate's really
getting on my nerves, you know.
I just wanna freak him out.
In that case,
could I also interest you
in our fake vomit on page 23,
lower left hand of the page?
Mm, I don't know.
This vomit, does it look real?
Well, it makes me sick
to look at it.
Hmm.
Okay. Yeah, sure, fine.
Why not?
I'll get the vomit, too.
Okay!
I knew you could do it.
I knew it.
Why are people clapping?
Oh, get the credit card info.
Oh, sir?
How would you like to pay
for your vomit and your poo?
So you survived another day.
Yeah.
Looks like you're stuck
with me for a while.
I guess so.
Just for morale,
you know?
Go for it.
Yeah.