Outmatched (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Black Mold - full transcript

[SIGHS] All right.

Little ones are in bed.
Big ones are reading.

Time for the old ones to drink.

Bad news:

this is the last alcoholic
beverage in the entire house.

Are you sure?

Because last time you said that,

we still had that really
old jar of peaches.

Do you think I'd be drinking this beer

if we had a really old jar of peaches?

Could you please just run
out and pick up more booze?



No. I can't go back up there.

Uh-uh. I want to stay down here,

where it's safe and life can't find me.

Well, I'm not going.

Today was horrible.

I spent all day dreaming
about getting down here

- and shutting off my brain.
- Okay.

Let's play a little game.

Worst day gets to keep
hiding in the basement.

Loser gets more beers.

[CHUCKLES] Bring it.

Okay.

After work, I walked in on
Irwin changing for the gym.

I saw everything.



Still seeing it now.

[SCOFFS] That's nothing.

One of the burlesque dancers
from the casino called in sick,

and since I'm covering
for everyone lately...

- You didn't.
- I wish.

I had to pick up her kid from day care.

Okay.

- Point you.
- Home was more brutal.

No one could decide what
they wanted for dinner,

so I said it's Taco Tuesday

and then Nicole accused me
of cultural appropriation.

You think that's bad?

Up until right now,
I thought today was Friday.

Oof.

What would these two think
if they heard us complaining?

Look at them.

So young. So happy.

- You know why they're so happy?
- Huh?

'Cause they get to be in
this basement all the time.

- How about this?
- Mm?

You finally hang up this picture,

we split the beer.

Done.

Splitting rules apply, you pour,

- I... Oh!
- Babe, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm-I'm fine.

But... I think there's
something in here.

Can we drink it?

It looks like... black mold.

[GASPS] Oh, my God, we're rich!

No. No, no, no, that-that's black gold.

This-this is poison.

Ugh.

We got to get out of here.

Oh, bring that beer!

Um...

I think the black mold got it!

Hey. Feet off the couch.

Hey, those apples are for company.

And whose sweater is this?

I swear, if someone doesn't tell me

- whose sweater this is...
- It's yours.

You said you were gonna wear it today.

Oh, look at you,
knowing all the things I say.

Mom and Dad have been in a bad mood

ever since they lost the basement.

Because that's where they
would go to decompress.

Now that they don't have an
outlet for their frustration,

they're taking it out on us.

And they're around all the time.

I feel like a rat in a cage.

Now I know why all my rats
keep killing themselves.

Things will go back to normal
soon, okay?

The basement's supposed to be done

- by the end of the...
- Three more weeks?!

That's what the mold guys said.

Well, then what the hell have
they been doing this whole time?

Don't ask me. You're the one who
wanted to hire "professionals"

who were "thorough"
and "could work within

200 feet of a school."

When the cleaners are
done with the black mold,

I'm gonna have them come back
and remove the White Mike!

All right, it's bedtime.
Everyone in their pajamas.

- They're in their pajamas!
- Well, then put on more pajamas!

Three more weeks of that

and I might just start
taking candy from strangers.

I can't take it.

My baseline anxiety level is already

defined medically as "yowza."

What are they even so stressed about?

Like parenting and
working their dumb jobs

- is so difficult.
- [BRIAN SCOFFS]

I know. Yeah, "Oh, my life is so hard.

"I have to make a table and pour
my kid a glass of sink water

"while my genius son finds the link

between a human genome and a fruit fly."

Oh, did you do that today?

No, I couldn't because Dad
kept swatting my control group.

We have to do something about this,

or else Mom and Dad are gonna crack

and take us down with them.

KAY: Could you walk any louder?!

We get it, you're in the house!

MIKE: Hey, you married these feet!

They're coming!

[GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS]

NICOLE: Good morning, contestants.

Welcome to We Love Our Parents,

the game show where you get
rewarded just for having us.

I'm your host...

I thought we said I'm the host.

We did until you choked in rehearsal.

What is happening?

Congratulations, Mom and Dad.

You're already winners.

All you have to do is take
what's behind door number one!

That's not how game shows work.

There should be questions...
or at least another door.

Uh, fine. Okay, there's a second door.

Well, where is it?

I don't see one.

I don't know, it's-it's a mystery door.

Oh, that sounds good,
we'll take that one.

No, j-j-just take door number one.

Mystery door, final answer.

No whammies, no whammies,
no whammies. Stop!

BOTH: Mystery door! [CHUCKLING]

[CHANTING]: Mystery door!
Mystery door! Mystery door!

- Mystery door!
- Game's over!

Leila, just open the door.

Pack your bags!

Something else!

I can't remember!

What exactly is all this

and why is Leila dressed like a bellhop?

We got you a night away.

Nicole hacked the computer
system at your casino

and we booked you a free suite.

Sorry, you-you hacked Mom's casino?

How could you do that...

and not choose somewhere better?

You both have seemed a
little frazzled lately,

so we thought some time
away would be good for you.

I admit we have been a little on edge,

but we are not leaving
you on your own overnight.

This is insulting.

We are not children.

We are gifted preadults.

We are more than capable
of being on our own.

If I'm not qualified to watch some kids,

then how come the girls
at school keep telling me

I give off "serious dad vibes"?

If you won't do it for you,
do it for us, okay?

You're our black mold.

But it's illegal to exterminate you,

so just take the damn suite.

I mean, I guess we could use it.

This could be good for us.

We can recharge.

Okay. All right, guys.

We will accept your prize.

- Thank you. Just...
- [CHUCKLES]

So we know, though,

um, what would have been
behind the mystery door?

A washcloth soaked in chloroform.

You were waking up in that
hotel room one way or another.

So, we're headed out.

You all set with
the babysitter instructions?

Yeah, but how old are these?

"Brian likes to fall
asleep to Clay Aiken songs.

And Nicole likes to
sleep to Ruben Studdard."

Uh, oh, right,

we haven't had a babysitter in ten years

because they're all scared of you.

Okay, updated rules.

Uh, for Leila, in bed by 9:00, no candy.

And for Marc,
I don't know... if he opens

a book covered in spiderwebs
and starts reading backwards,

burn him.

W-W-Wait.

Why are these directed at Brian?

Brian is the oldest, he's in charge.

Brian, watch out for coups.

Nicole, no coups.

All right, uh, well,
if we come back tomorrow

and there's no caution
tape around the house,

maybe we'll trust you enough to
do this again. [CLEARS THROAT]

You know who's really in charge.
You got this, right?

I'll just pee somewhere weird.
That should keep them busy.

That's my girl.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye! See you later.

Resign with dignity

or your search history becomes
next year's Christmas card.

I look forward to serving you.

[GASPS] Whoa, nice.

This is one of our remodeled rooms.

All this stuff is brand-new...

which means something
terrible happened here.

Well, worked out for us.

This place is awesome.

I don't know what to steal first.

Nothing. Everything has ink tags.

Remember when Rita's hair was blue?

That wasn't a statement.

She tried to walk out with an umbrella.

You know, the kids were right,
this is exactly what we needed.

No stress, no responsibility.

- It's like a basement in the sky.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I feel more relaxed already.

I can't even hear your feet up here.

I know!

And your voice totally isn't...

And I brought something
that's gonna make

tonight even better... [CLEARS THROAT]

Bubble bath, because
I thought it was champagne.

And... botched celebrity lipo stories

for you to read after I pass out.

Aw. You know me.

Tonight has to last us three weeks,

so we have to make the most of it.

Well, I know of a good place to start.

- Mm.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Mm.
- [GASPS] Damn it!

I left my purse in the kitchen.

Oh...

Role-play.

Well, you are in luck

'cause I'm a traveling purse salesman.

- No.
- Oh.

I really left my purse in the kitchen

and it has my birth control in it.

- I-I should go and get it, right?
- No, don't go home.

That's where the bad stuff is.

The kids will see you and
suck you into their nonsense.

- You're right.
- Mm.

- We'll just use a condom.
- You know what,

I'll just run home real fast
and get your purse.

Wait, Mike!

What about getting
sucked in by the kids?

Won't happen. I'm very
motivated to get back here.

Okay, just...

be careful leaving the casino.

I don't want someone to
see you and know I'm here

or I'm gonna get dragged
into some work thing.

Don't worry, please.
I am great at sneaking.

You don't spend half of high
school alone in your room

pretending to be a ninja and
not pick up a few things.

- Maybe you should just...
- Yeah, I'm going.

- Mike?
- What?

Oh, Rita! Hey!

I didn't see you there. How are you?

Well, Mike, my dream
was to sing on Broadway,

and instead I'm here babysitting
a bunch of lonely drunks,

so I'm gonna say medium.

Ah.

- Where's Kay?
- I haven't seen her, so...

Then what are you doing here?

Uh...

Okay, um, you got me.

The truth is...

I'm having an affair. [CHUCKLES]

Sexual affair.

And now I must go do
pleasure on her. Bye.

Mike! [LAUGHS]

Please, I've seen a prostitute tell you

she just wanted to be friends.

Okay, fine, uh, t-the real truth is, um,

I'm a gambling addict.

Yep.

- I got it bad.
- Hmm.

Hundred on 22 black.

16 red.

Oh... That's the stuff.

[LAUGHS] Well, guess
I can go now. Bye, Rita.

DEALER: And 22 black.

Well, the house is clean,
kids are bathed and in bed.

The fact that Mom and Dad
thought that we couldn't do this

is laughable.

Parenting is so easy.

I have to hand it to you.

Training Marc and Leila to get drowsy

whenever you ring that bell was
a stroke of Pavlovian genius.

Thank you. And while
we're giving out compliments,

I was impressed by the
way you handled mealtime.

I'd say my nutrition
bricks are a home run.

But that's a sports reference,

so I'm not sure if I'm using it right.

Imagine how much better off we would be

if we had us as parents.

It would've been an
honor to call you mother.

Okay, this conversation's
gone on one sentence too long.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go upstairs

and practice beating some polygraphs.

I am a golden god!

What is happening?
You said you put her to bed.

I did. I even told her
when the lights go out,

the floor turns to lava.

I can run on lava!

Wait a second,
what did you put in these?

Uh, egg whites for texture,
kola nuts for heart health,

a hint of gravy for that
little je ne sais quoi.

You used kola nuts? Those have caffeine.

[PIANO PLAYING
BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY]

Great, now Marc's up!

You can't catch me!

Leila, go-go to bed!

- Yes, I can.
- [PIANO PLAYING UPBEAT MELODY]

Marc, stop scoring my chase!

[GROANS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

That was fast.

- Did you...
- I knew it.

It's not me. It's Alicia Silverstone.

Cut the crap. I saw Mike downstairs.

Ugh, sorry, I should've told you.

We just really needed a night away

and I didn't want to get
dragged into any work stuff.

I would never do that to you. Kay.

You know what? I'm offended.

And the only way for
you to make it up to me

is for you to help me with this
one little quick work thing.

- Oh, come on.
- Look, the bosses are mad.

There's this guy at my table,
he's on this huge hot streak.

They need somebody to
come in and cool him off.

So why are you coming to me?

Well, you know you're a cooler, right?

'Cause you got those bad luck vibes.

That is ridiculous.
I don't have bad luck vibes.

Maybe you are Alicia Silverstone,

'cause I am looking at a Clueless bitch.

Trust me, I'm always right
about these kind of things.

Just like I'm right about Clem,
the janitor?

Clem is not an Undercover Boss.

Hand to God, he is a CEO in a fake nose.

- All right. Thanks for stopping by.
- Okay. All right, all right,

- all right, all right.
- Yeah.

Just come downstairs for five minutes,

tell a few of your sad stories,
cool this guy down

and you can come right back up here

to the Honeymoon Murder Suite.

Fine, I will give you five
minutes of my bad luck vibes.

[RITA GASPS]

Whoa, Kay.

Don't blow all your bad luck up here.

- Let's just go.
- [SIGHS]

I'll get Clem to clean it up.

He's just a regular janitor after all!

KAY: Who are you talking to?

RITA: The cameras
are getting all of this.

I'm so sorry about the room mix-up.

There was an issue with our computers.

Your correct suite is ready.

Don't be scared, Leila.

We're just gonna
wrap you up like a burrito.

[HISSES]

- [GRUNTS]
- Catch her!

You know the only thing I've ever caught

- is viral meningitis.
- [GROANS]

Why don't you just put a stop
to whatever Marc is doing?

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Who is that?

Uh, occupied!

That always scares me off.

No, I called in reinforcements.

Hey, guys.

Sorry, I would've been here sooner but,

your neighbors saw me
come to the back door

and they called the cops.

We had a little talk,

everybody learned a little something.

The children are out of
control because someone

gave them 600 milligrams
of caffeine before bed.

Okay, don't pin this on me.

You're the one who tried to
calm them down by turning on

a Dateline special about
the Tristate Toddler Thief.

Yeah... Keith Morrison's
voice is universally soothing!

I'm gonna live forever!

Why didn't you guys
just call your parents?

Because if they know about this,

they'll never trust us alone again.

We're all flash and no action.

We're Elizabeth Holmes,
and not in the way that we admire.

All right, I'll help.

But maybe later down the road,
there's a new planet

or robot or eczema cream,

name it after me. All right?

Hey, kids, listen up!

Butts in bed now!

Dad voice.

You get it the third time
you step barefoot on a Lego.

I don't hear no eyes closing!

Now I'm going to get some rest, too.

- Alexa, turn off the lights.
- We don't have an Alexa.

Oh, right. Brian, turn off the lights.

See? I don't walk loud.

[SNEEZES]

NICOLE: What was that?

The chair's knocked over.

NICOLE: Why is the door open?

The Tristate Toddler Thief
was last seen in Philadelphia.

BOTH: Irwin!

What? What? What?

Someone was in the house.

Calm down. Where's your baseball bat?

- I-I don't follow.
- Metal sports wand.

Basement.

- [CLATTERING]
- IRWIN: Ow!

The black mold ate through the stairs!

What is going on?

We got to go, now!

What about Irwin?

Forget Irwin. He's already dead.

[IRWIN STAMMERING]

Oh, God, I think I just ate a spider.

So I'm on the date with him and I say,

"Jeff, an online bookstore?

"With ideas like that,
you should quit business

and live in the Amazon."

Now I guess he's super rich
or something, I don't know.

RITA: Blackjack. Again.

[WHISPERS]: Okay, I am putting
out all the bad vibes I can.

It is not working.

I'm going back upstairs.

Wait, you can't leave yet.
Y-You're my good luck charm.

Come on, uh, I'll cut you in.

Okay. A few more hands.

But we got to be careful.

You win more than ten grand here,

they frame you for cheating.

[SINGSONGY]: Guess who's not
wearing a condom.

[CHUCKLES]

[SCREAMING]

- Whoa!
- Excuse me?

Oh, my God... I'm sorr... Sorry.

Sorry. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.

Okay. Bye.

- Forgot my purse.
- [SCREAMS]

Ooh, 22. Bust.

Well, streak over.

There you go, as promised.

Ten bucks? You won, like, eight grand.

I let him smell my hair for good luck.

See what I mean? Bad luck vibes.

I promise you,
I did not know that old lady

wasn't my wife until I
crawled into bed with her.

Wait.

- He's with me.
- Oh.

Why don't you give me him,
and I'll give you this?

- Yeah, okay.
- [CHUCKLES]

What happened?

The casino must've fixed Nicole's hack

because they gave our room away.

- Ugh. Figures.
- [SIGHS]

- So, you just want to...
- Give up and go home?

Yeah, that seems like
where the night's taken us.

Yeah, that's right, Clem.

You just keep on cleaning. [CHUCKLES]

I hope you guys are getting this.

This is gonna be a great episode.

Okay, just trying to work
up the will to turn the key.

Nope, not there yet.

This is what it's come to.

Hiding in our car in
the casino parking lot.

Actually, it's-it's kind of nice.

- Reminds me of high school.
- [LAUGHS]: Yeah.

Back then, the car was the
only place we had to ourselves.

- Well, that and the tree house.
- Different guy.

The car was the only
place we had to ourselves.

You know, maybe this is all we need.

Not a basement or a-a fancy hotel room,

just a few moments in the day
to remind us we have each other.

Yeah.

I mean, this is
the most relaxed I've felt

since we lost the
basement two months ago.

- That was Tuesday.
- Oh, my God.

Well, it's not a fancy hotel suite

or some other guy's tree house, but...

we do have some time.

Oh...

Let us in!

Oh, my...

[KIDS PANTING]

- What's going on?
- We ate food bricks,

then we killed Irwin and
we found you with our phone

and now it's tomorrow.

Tonight was madness.

We don't know how you do it.

I'm crashing. I need a Brian Brick now.

We saw the Tristate Toddler Thief.

It's me he wants.
We all know how young I look.

- Let's just... Yeah.
- Go home? Yeah.

[GRUNTS]

Hmm.

Why won't the car start?

I don't...

Because it's not our car.

- Let's go.
- Ooh.