Outmatched (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Royal Rumble - full transcript

Well, another successful
Marc and Leila birthday party

- in the books.
- Sure,

if success is measured
by the number of guests

who have nightmares.

Hey, maybe next year we
let Leila choose the theme.

"Mortality" is the only
honest birthday theme.

Because every year brings you...

One step closer to
a cold and endless nothing.

Yeah.

Hey. Go outside.

Stop playing skull in the house.



So, between this
and Brian's science parties

and Nicole's birthday networking mixers,

we're never throwing
a normal party, are we?

Right now I'm just hoping
that's a fake skull.

Marc came home yesterday with
a lot of mud on his clothes.

I'm always amazed by the
statistical unlikelihood

that Marc was born on the
exact same day as Leila.

The odds increase when you consider

that nine months ago is Father's Day.

Yeah. That probably
counted as Mom's gift.

It's free, and you don't have
to leave the house to get it.

Brian, what did we say about talking?

Say it to myself five times,
and if it still sounds weird,

don't say it.



Although there is something
that never sat quite right

with me about their joint birthday.

Now that you mention it,
I feel like the seasons don't line up.

I remember when Marc was born,
it was spring

and I had pollen-induced conjunctivitis.

But when Leila was born, it was winter.

And I fell through that frozen lake

that finally cleared my conjunctivitis.

Memories are so crazy.

Yeah.

You know what else is crazy?

That you guys have written
an entire rap musical

about Stephen Hawking,
and we haven't heard it.

- No, we're in the middle of...
- ♪ How does a paraplegic ♪

♪ King of strategic,
son of a medical researcher... ♪

No, they're trying to distract us.

We're onto something.

What are you hiding?

Leila's real birthday is in December.

They were just gonna hack the hospital.

Let's have a normal Saturday.

You've lied about Leila's
birthday for eight years?

No. We lied about it once,

and no one's questioned it
for eight years.

It started because your
grandparents couldn't fly in

for Leila's first birthday,
so we just...

combined it with Marc's.

And then we just
kind of kept it that way.

Cut us some slack. We were broken.

Four kids is exhausting and unnatural.

I once confessed this
to a priest and he said,

"I totally get it."

Don't you think it's time
you told her the truth?

He's right.

We can't keep lying to Leila.

Like this goodie bag says,

"The evil that men do lives after them."

Yes, but it also says,

"Don't weep for the dead.
Weep for the living."

I'm starting to see why
no one took any of these.

So I wasn't born on my birthday?

No, uh, you were,

but, um... but that day was
actually four months ago.

Wow.

Yesterday I was eight.

This morning I turned nine.

Now I'm almost ten.

Life's a wild ride.

But the important thing to
remember is how bad we feel

when you talk to your
therapist about this one day.

It's cool. I'm used to it.

For a while, I thought
my full name was...

"Has Anyone Seen Leila Bennett?"

Oh, wait,
we're also throwing you a party!

- We're-we're what?
- Yeah!

To make up for the eight years

of joint birthdays and skeleton parties

and a couple of left-at-the-malls,

you're getting your very own bash.

And you don't even have to
wait for your real birthday.

Hmm? It's a day just for you.

A Leilapalooza!

Wow. I hope someone brings Molly.

Come on, Molly!

Oh, thank God.

Wait, why are we throwing another party?

She was cool with everything.

That's the problem.

She is so used to not feeling special,

she doesn't even know she
should be mad about this.

We have to make it up to her.

I guess it would be nice to throw a...

normal kids' party for once.

Something we can have fun at, too.

My dad used to love my birthday parties.

Not because I was born

but because we usually
went to a Mets game.

Oh, should we do that?

No. This is not about us.

This is about Leila and what she wants.

We are leaving this
party totally up to her.

Well, whatever she picks,

it's got to be better than Marc
asking us to find a cake that

"screams when you cut it."

I think it knows we're talking about it.

You were delicious!

Hey. I'm about to go watch SmackDown.

You guys want to
watch wrestling with me?

- Sure.
- Really?

No.

See? You're not the
only one who can lie.

We've been thinking
about your birthday ruse,

and it made us wonder...

What else have you lied to us about?

Okay. I guess you guys
are old enough to know.

Uh, tons of things.
We lie to you guys all the time.

We say whatever we have to to get by.

"Good morning" is a lie.

Sometimes we just fold the dirty laundry

and put it back in your drawers.

Oh, and, uh... This is a good one...

Remember how we told you that
if something were to happen

to me and Mom, you guys
would become the wards

of the Harvard board of trustees?

Oh, no. You're leaving us
to a state school?

It's more of a party school.

It's Rita and Irwin.

Are you serious?

But they're just
different versions of you.

We could kill you right now.

But then we'd be stuck
with Rita and Irwin.

We're in a trap of your own design.

Whatever! I don't need you guys anyway!

I've got plenty of people who
will watch wrestling with me.

You used to be people, right?

Hey, Leils.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Jen.

So, you excited for your big party?

You know what you want to do for it yet?

No. Nicole said my party should be

a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser
for her super PAC.

No, don't...

Don't listen to what Nicole says.

Kiddo, this-this party needs to
be about you and what you like.

I don't know what I like.

I could like anything.

I even like Brian, and he's a lot.

Huh.

Well, um, I mean, I don't
want to influence you, but...

maybe wrestling is
something you would like.

You know, one of
the best birthdays I ever had

was a wrestling theme.

But is wrestling your thing?

'Cause you said I need my own thing.

No, but that's okay. You know,

sometimes, sometimes
parents like something first

and then their kids like it.

Like Mom.

I liked Mom first,

and now you like her, right?

I love Mom.

Great!

Then we will have a wrestling party

and watch SmackDown

and never tell her about any of this.

Fun!

Daddy, I love cuddling
with you when I'm on Molly.

So, in conclusion,
when raising a Bennett child,

the most important thing is LOVE.

And, again, LOVE is

legal aid,

organizational support,

vermin... for research...

And eggs.

We like eggs.

Any questions?

Yes. Irwin.

What the hell do you mean we
get you when your parents die?

You two don't know you're our
legal guardians in their will?

I didn't know people who
have nothing have wills.

Well, in that case, congratulations.

This must be very exciting for you.

It's not.

We already have three kids.

You think I want this full-time?

Wait, we knew we didn't want you.

But you don't want us?

No offense, but you guys

are the most high-maintenance
pains in the asses we know.

- Right, babe?
- Right.

Brian, you're a walking sneeze.

And, Nicole,

I'm pretty sure you were
sent back from the future

to kill John Connor.

And Marc's been over
there sharpening a knife

this whole time.

I'm making fajitas later.

Oh. Well, that's not so bad.

- But that's not what the knife is for.
- Uh-uh.

- No, babe.
- Uh-uh. You go over there.

- Babe.
- Uh-uh.

Hey, Nik.

Want to read a bunch of made-up gossip

about the royal family with me?

There's a new royal dog,
and, apparently,

she's only the second
biggest bitch in the palace.

Is this stack of magazines
why we don't have apples?

Fruit goes bad in two days.

This little red number's
been ripe for 17 years.

He hasn't even killed his brother yet

to take over the throne.

Such a turnoff.

Hey, Mom. For my wrestling party,

do we have any cans of whoop ass?

For your wrestling party?

How did you come up with that?

Oh, Daddy told me
what to say if you ask me.

He said,

"This is important.

"If Mommy asks,

I had nothing to do with it."

"'Cause you know how
irrational she can be."

Then he said,

"Don't say the irrational part."

Oops.

Look, you don't have to do wrestling

because your dad likes it.

You can pick whatever you want.

Like what?

That's for you to figure out.

I'll just be here reading my magazines.

About real-life princesses.

Are you for serious?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's a whole family of them.

There are crowns and castles

and cousins that look like talking mice.

Here. See for yourself.

Mmm, who's that strawberry?

Hey, Red. I'm Leila.

So, when exactly were
you gonna tell me and Rita

that you were leaving us your kids?

Was this supposed to
be some deathbed thing

so that we couldn't say no?

I told you.

Remember, we were out
and you dared me to drink

a bottle of hot sauce and I said, "Okay,

but if I die, you get my kids."

Damn it. And then we high-fived.

And that's legally binding
in the state of New Jersey.

The only family we have in the
area is Kay's cousin Sebastian.

The kids don't even know him.
He lives alone on a farm.

Yeah, but come on, Mike.

We don't know anything about
raising four white kids.

So, what, now we got
to start buying Wheat Thins

and figure out what a Harry Styles is?

Look, I don't think you need
to worry, Irwin, okay?

We don't plan on dying anytime soon.

Hmm. How's that nacho taste?

Good?

'Cause it's the last one
you're ever gonna eat.

We got to keep you alive, man.

And slipping on a nacho is
another good way to die.

I'm going to the kitchen
to get some paper towels.

Oh. Hey, Leils.

I have a surprise for your party.

Are you ready for this?

Huh?

Oh!

What?!

So you've been wearing
that under your clothes

the whole time we've been talking?

I got you a matching one, too,

so we can both wear them at the party.

But I'm not doing a
wrestling party anymore.

Wait. Wha-What are you talking about?

Then what kind of party is it?

'Ello, Leila.

Look at this dress I got for your...

Cheerio.

Are you for serious?

Leila decided for her party,

she wants to do a royal wedding theme.

- Oh, did she?
- Mm-hmm.

And she came up with
that idea all on her own?

Yeah, just like she came up
with wrestling... all on her own.

What makes you think I had anything
to do with the wrestling idea?

Yeah, okay, I know how this looks.

I don't think you do, Mike.

And definitely not from the back.

Face it, Mike.

Leila wants to be a princess.

She wants the crown and the
dress and the pageantry.

You know what?
Why don't we let her decide?

Leils, would you like a frilly,
uptight tea party,

or a party where you can do this?

Flip me over and body slam me.

- I said I need you alive!
- Oh, are you scared?

Mike, I can't raise your kids.
I don't have enough costumes!

- Then say good night!
- It's too tight! I'm not playing!

Michael Mania is running wild! Aah!

I'm gonna end up with those kids.

How's your back?

It's fine. You should see the other guy.

Yeah, you scratched Irwin pretty bad

when he carried you to the couch.

Look, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have talked
Leila into wrestling.

I just thought that maybe
if this party worked out,

we could have a thing together.

I know.

But that is not what this party
was supposed to be about.

- This was Leila's day.
- I am way ahead of you.

I already canceled the
reservation at the wrestling gym

so you guys can have
your princess party.

So, you know... hero.

What? No, no, not hero!

I felt bad about forcing my party on her

so I canceled the tea room.

So now we don't have anything?

No!

We have to scrape something
together by tomorrow morning.

Okay. You know,
th-thi-this is just like in wrestling.

You know? The moment you
think it's over, the hero rises.

You should go. I'm stuck here now.

So, the dude's name is Sebastian.

He's your mom's cousin,
and he lives on a farm.

- And best of all, he's not us.
- No.

Farm. Interesting.

Quiet solitude, no distractions.

And we'll be swimming
in vermin and eggs!

Question:

is there a corn maze on this farm?

And if so, does it lead to madness?

Sebastian sounds great. We'll take it.

No, no, no, no,
we don't have to convince you.

- We got to convince him.
- That shouldn't be hard.

We'll just give him the same
presentation we gave you.

We'll just cut in some images
of us frolicking with livestock.

No, we cut off power to his farm.

He'll be isolated, paranoid.

A man like that is bound
to say yes to anything.

No! What is wrong with you?

Just turn off your brains for
a second and just be people.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We're going to invite Sebastian

to Leila's party and win him over.

Yes, and not with
presentations or scare tactics.

- You got to charm the guy.
- You don't think we're charming?

No, not when you're talking

about swimming in vermin and eggs.

All right, everybody zip it!

We're gonna teach you
how to pass for people.

You're up first, Old-Man Sweater.

Quick update.

I think I'm falling in love with Rita.

This is the party that Leila wanted?

I thought she was the normal one.

It's the best we could
do on short notice.

Though I do admit,
that pile of mattresses looked

a lot more like a bouncy house
when I was on pain meds.

The party store only had
St. Paddy's Day clearance stuff.

The only things we could save
from the original parties were

some princess costumes
and the wrestler I hired.

Hey. Bloodbath. Nice to meet you.

I think there was a
mix-up with the costumes.

No, you got it.

Today you're Princess Bloodbath.

Hey, quick question.

You think my legs
look okay in this dress?

You look beautiful.

Oh, God. Babe, the kids...

they're talking to Cousin Sebastian.

Okay, it looks, uh, normal.

- Yeah.
- Wait. What's Marc's face doing?

- He's gearing up to bite him.
- No. Honey,

he's smiling!
They're acting human, babe!

They're actually doing
what we taught them.

Brian hasn't done one
awkward medieval bow.

I know.

Oh, do that thing we taught you.

- You can do it, baby.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yes!
- She blinked!

- Yes! Yes!
- She blinked.

She's gonna use that for
the rest of her life, babe.

We taught her that. We taught her that!

I got to give us credit.

We did a pretty good
job pulling this off.

You can't even tell
this was an erotic cake.

Well, I can, but
I can find boobs in anything.

Okay, everybody, it's cake time.

♪ Ha... ♪

Has anyone seen Leila?

She hasn't been here the whole time.

We lost Leila at her own party?

This does not feel like
a good moment for you.

Hey. Cousin Sebastian, right?

Cousin Sebastian is
what my cousins call me.

You can call me Regular Sebastian.

We saw you talking to Brian,
Nicole and Marc before.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. Why were you
watching me talk to children?

Well, it looked to us
like you really hit it off.

- Yeah.
- They're impressive, right?

If I'm being honest,
they're a little weird.

That older boy's hiding something.

And the younger boy's not
hiding something, but he should.

On the farm, we'd say

those kids are the horse corn of people.

Excuse me!

Well, what in the hell do you know?

About horse corn, quite a bit.

Let me tell you something.

Those kids may be tiny psychos,
but they're special.

Yeah, and they'll make you better.

Nicole is teaching me
how to speak Dothraki,

and Brian made it so that
my car can run on French fry oil.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'll tell you who we are.

We may not be some fancy farm cousins,

but we know we're two
people who are lucky enough

to have those kids in our lives.

That's right, and if it takes
you more than five minutes

to recognize that,
then you don't deserve

to have them live on your farm
when Mike and Kay are dead!

I'm more confused now than
when I got this invite

to what I was told was a hog auction.

Well, then, go on!

Go on back to your farm!

I hope your rooster's
broken and you oversleep!

Using a bird as an alarm clock
like the damn Flintstones.

Yabba-dabba-dumbass.

Did you mean all that?

Every word.

Will you do us the honor

of making us your guardians
when your parents die?

Yes.

Yes, a thousand times yes!

You smell like sunsets.

Hey, Leils, we've been looking for you.

This is where I come sometimes
to get away from everything.

Oh.

You don't eat the brownies
we leave down here, do you?

Because those ar..

... poison. Those are poison.

I guess we blew it today, huh?

We're sorry, kiddo.

We got caught up and forgot this
was supposed to be about you.

It's okay. I liked the party.

Well, then what's wrong?

Why you hiding down here?

My favorite part about my old
birthday was doing it with Marc.

Now it's just me.
It's no fun without him.

Mm. Oh, sweetie.

Well, this is your party,

and we said it should
be anything you want.

So... what do you want?

Happy...

well, I guess nobody's birthday.

And our gift to you...

From now on,

me and your mom promise:
no more secrets.

And in the spirit of
our new family honesty,

we'd like it known that
we're okay if you die.

Yeah, us, too.

Pass me the cake. Ooh.

- Yeah.
- I'll get plates.

Well, turned out to be
our most normal birthday ever.

- I know.
- Hmm.

It's almost like we're
getting the hang of this.

Just so you know,

the rental guys are here to
pick up those mattresses.

Uh, those are our mattresses.

Oh. Then, some dudes
are stealing your mattresses.

Come on, Bennetts. We're going to war!

- Let's go, guys.
- Go, go, go!

Ooh, fight. I'm right behind you.

I'm not doing that.

You have a very...

imagination.

Thanks, Irwin. It looks better
when you see it all together.

Oh, damn.

You're one of them, then?

Mom and dad aren't the only ones
who can keep a secret.

Can you keep a secret, Irwin?