Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - Episode #3.16 - full transcript

♪ ♪

[WELKER] From Nashville, Tennessee,

it's the final presidential debate.

I'm Kristen Welker, the latest in
a long line of female journalists

the President hates more than ISIS.

Tonight, I will be muting
the candidates' mics

during their opponent's remarks,

which tells you all you need to know

about one of these candidates.

Wow! Isn't this great?
Things are going so well for me!

I'm down by ten points,



and my hail Mary's calling
Lesley Stahl the C-word.

The "C" stands for...

- [CLICK]
- And Vice President Biden.

Hey there, America!

This is the last time
you'll be seeing me

in public till Election Day,

so get a good looky-loo!

Mr. President, as COVID
cases rise nationwide,

how do you plan to fight the pandemic?

Kristen, the election's
in like three days.

I got major senioritis.

Basically, I'm only thinking

about the post-election
trip to Six Flags.

This country is a rabid dog
that ran off with the shotgun



that's supposed to put
it out of its misery.

I'm gonna actually listen
to the scientists.

Especially if there's a real pretty one

who puts her hair up with a pencil

then lets it down after
a long night in the lab!

Look at me! Brains and beauty!

Yoo-hoo!

President Trump, do you believe
America has a systemic race problem?

No one has done more for
Black Americans than I have,

except for Abe Lincoln,
the only president I know about.

You're dang right America
has a race problem!

Which is why I want to
take us back to the days

when Barack Obama was President

and white Americans could feel fine

ignoring the race problem!

Mr. President, do you
see Russia as a threat

to U.S. election integrity?

For my response, I'd like to rehash

the latest Hunter Biden revelations

using keywords that can
be cut into an attack ad.

Hard drive. Ukraine.
Criminal. Not nice. Bad stuff.

Hey! I'm proud of my unemployable son!

Thanks, Dad. You love me so
much, it makes me pissed off!

I am the least-racist
person in this room.

Kristen, I'm looking at you!

I heard you say backstage

that you think Italians
are a little much.

When I'm president,
my number-one priority

will be making windows tiny!

I knew it! As we all know,

Barack Obama was about to start
nuclear war with North Korea,

and I had to run into the Oval Office

in slow motion and scream...

[SLOWLY] N-o-o-o-o!

Think of the children!

Of which I have four! Or five!

Shit. We're almost out of time,

and we need to cover the
biggest threat to mankind.

Just some up your climate-change
thing in five words.

Green New Deal but less!

74 years old. Don't care.

By the way, Kristen,

I respect very much the
way you're handling this.

Nope. We're not doing that.

Kristen, you're acting like a
real Lesley Stahl right now.

Enough! This whole thing is rigged!

It's completely unfair that
Joe is more likable than me!

I'm leveling the playing
field with a surprise guest

who answered the phone
halfway through the first ring.

Did someone say "likability problem"?

Listen up, Dangerous Donald.

Healthy Hillary says you better
kick this Pokémon COVID

in the Cardi B-hind.

- [AUDIENCE GROANS]
- Oh, that's the stuff.

She's like a warm,
unbearably itchy blanket.

Kristen, you couldn't
mute me if you tried.

Stay strong, Ghislaine!

That's all the time we have.
Thanks for joining us.

And don't forget... the
election is in... two weeks?!

Holy fucking shit!

Grab anything that's not bolted
to the White House floor!

[NEWS-INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]

Welcome to Meet the Press.
I'm your host, Chuck Todd.

And contrary to popular opinion,
I have lost all my baby teeth.

Today we're discussing Trump's latest
"Work From School" initiative,

which would turn our
nation's public schools

into underage workhouses.

Here to respond are two
Democrats so powerful,

they don't feel the need to flaunt it

with a bunch of fancy
legislative accomplishments...

Senator Schumer and Speaker Pelosi.

We'd like to go on the record

disavowing the Work From School program

as "not nice"!

Let me be clear... the Democratic Party

only tolerates child labor abroad.

If President Trump is not careful,

we will have no choice but
to strongly denounce him.

We're not there yet, but
that strong denunciation

is locked and loaded on
the tips of our tongues.

Strong language, Chuck.

Powerful words from a powerful Chuck.

- Chalk it up to Chuck, Chuck.
- That's enough, Chucks!

With the President's
popularity sinking faster

than the tit-titular ship,
uh, in the movie Titanic,

Democrats seem poised to
control the House and Senate,

which means a lot of power

- for the both of you.
- Yes!

I haven't a... I haven't
asked my question yet.

- Exactly.
- [PELOSI] Look at us.

Televised as hell!

We are damn good at our jobs.

Bust out the Aspercreme!

'Cause you're getting a workout

when the Dems win the Senate.

First? Defund the police.
Then universal healthcare.

Then we enter Phase Four,

which I like to call "Guillotine Time"!

Please. We're the Democratic Party.

We don't do things.
We let the other guys do things

then look at what they did and
say, "What are ya gonna do?"

As famous old guy Peter
Parker once said,

"With great power comes
great responsibility."

The left will not squander
a Senate majority.

Not on my Apple Watch.

[COLLINS] Delicious!

This is exactly how I like my steak...

overcooked on the outside
and frozen on the inside.

That way, I can have all
the temperatures at once

and don't have to choose.

Eat up, Susie! You deserve it!

You never call me out, and you
always defend my behavior!

You're a true friend
to me and democracy!

I'm happy to serve a small
minority of my country,

but I'm worried I might lose re-election

if I endorse or don't endorse Trump.

If you want, I can teach you to sob

until they let you keep your job!

I just wish reporters
would stop bullying me.

Whatever happened to the Grand Old Party

of zero accountability?

Just say the first thing
that comes to your mind

then let everyone elevate
you to a station of power.

Although, results may
vary because you're a...

- [RETCHING] a woman!
- I'll try.

[REPORTER] Senator Collins,
will you be voting

for President Trump's re-election?

Uh... um... um...

[COLLINS] Ouch! That window was closed!

However, it was very clean.
Five stars on Yelp!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Change! Forward! Yes, we can!

When they go low, we go high hopes!

Join me in celebrating our tag team

of legislative responsibility,

Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Do you hear this?

He's selling them hope and change again!

Don't worry. He'll be a good Democrat

and keep his promises
frustratingly vague.

Remember what we did the last time

Democrats controlled
the House and Senate?

We passed Obamacare.

- [OMINOUS CHORD STRIKES]
- And all we had to do

was leverage the political power

of every elected Democrat
in the United States,

burn all the good will earned

from electing the nation's first
African-American president,

and fuel the rise of the
far-right Tea Party movement.

We gave many, but not all people
moderately expensive healthcare

for four glorious years of
congressional gridlock.

And with Pelosi and Schumer,
we can do more.

[CROWD MEMBER] Whoo!

We're setting them up for failure, baby!

_

I'm Bolf Witzler,

and, yes, I just made a mistake.

Senator Collins suffered
a humiliating gaffe

when she dodged a reporter's question

by plunging through a glass window.

But the public still wants to know...

will Collins vote for President
Trump's re-election?

It used to be that a
public official's vote

was between them, their ballot box,

and the donors who filled
in the ballot for them.

What? Yeah! Uh-huh!

Just tell them to check in

after Squee's annual
OctSqueeberFest bash!

If I tell them I'm voting for Trump,

I'll lose my trademark

"will she, won't she,
she will" reputation.

Life was easy back then.

I just went to the family bar,
shook a few barnacled hands,

and won my first Senate race.

If only I could do that now...

[SNORING] Moose!

I'm horny! [SIGHS]

[SCHUMER] We brought you here today

to discuss the future of
the Democratic Party.

- Universal Healthcare?!
- Enacting policies that improve

the American people's
lives for the better?!

- Amy Klobuchar?!
- No. No. And no way in hell.

We're announcing an agenda
for the first 100 days of office

if Democrats take control of the Senate.

A radical plan that will
change politics as we know it!

This is the same agenda as always,

but in a different fuckin' font!

Yeah! A cool new font.

[TOGETHER] Garamond,
to be specific. Jinxies!

I represent the people,

and the people want
what the people want,

and the people, they
don't want that, people!

Calm down, Bernard.

This isn't the "Joe Roegman" Radio Hour.

I came out of super-max
quarantine for this?

Shape up, or this party will
be sabotaged by millennials

who have a lot of anger
towards JK Rowling

and nowhere else to channel it!

[COLLINS] You got this, Collins.

Just say nothing and
everything at the same time.

You will not jump out of a window again.

[REPORTER] Senator Collins!

Will you be supporting
Trump's re-election?

Um, uh, b... Well... Uh, d-double talk.

Uh... Aah!

♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪

♪ Susan Collins has to have an opinion ♪

- [TIRES SQUEAL]
- What the hell?!

♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh ♪

♪ Susan Collins has
to make up her mind ♪

♪ Oh, she's so indecisive! ♪

♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪

♪ Susan Collins has to
state a point of view ♪

[COLLINS] Susan is
unavailable for comment.

♪ Uh-oh ♪

- Brett, is that you?
- Yes.

Oh, thank God you're not
some journalist here

to ask me personal questions like,

"Why are you covered in glass?"

Anyway, why are you in the wall?

Ohh! That's where I am?

I just woke up from a two-day bender

and assumed I was in my coffin!

I can't live like this anymore.

How about we get the heck out of here?

- But where will we go?
- Far, far away,

to a land where the city seal

is a reindeer drunk-driving
a snowmobile.

Caribou, Maine.

Awesome! A place where
no one will call me out!

All my demons live in
the Washington area.

Escape your demons with me!

As long as I can drink in the backseat!

Is that legal?

I don't know! Do you know?

I don't know, Supreme Court
Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

- Shouldn't you know?
- I don't know!!

Case closed!

[PELOSI] I had the worst dream.

[SCHUMER] Me too.

[TOGETHER] I dreamed
I was talking like...

- Bernie Sanders!
- Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!

Promise me we'll never have to know

the chaos of a blank Word document

titled "Green New Deal Brainstorm."

Controlling the House
is only symbolic power.

It grants me access to the Speaker
of the House-only bathroom.

There's only one option.

Let's destroy Democrats'
chances of winning the Senate

so we never, ever have to be
accountable for our power.

Let's get our asses kicked!

So... what are you wearing?

A type of girdle that was
made illegal in 1982.

Good night, Chuck!

If we're going to lose the Senate,

we must target these three marks.

North Carolina. Colorado.
Arizona. Got it.

And who better to sink our chances

than agent of chaos
Hillary Rodham Clinton.

You know what to do. Lose!

You do it better than anyone else.

Ha ha! Well, I won the popular vote.

Yes! Talk to everyone exactly like that!

Pokémon Go... to the mines!

[COLLINS] This is it.

Where is the booze?
Where's P.J. and mah boys?

Where's the body shots and the bodies

that the shots go on top of?

This place is a dump! And not
the cool kind like O'Shittery's!

I don't think bars
come with the "party."

We have to "start" the business.

Oh. How do you "start" "a" "business"?

Good question.

How do you find new places to drink?

Me and the Kavasquad drive
till I hit a telephone pole,

then we make the tow-truck
driver stop at his favorite bar.

But how do you find a bar when
your license is suspended?

Sometimes I'll see a commercial

that says my favorite radio jockey,

Ramiro the Freakin' Albanian,
is making a club appearance!

Hmm. It sounds like you're
suggesting we make an ad.

Yeah! Holy shit! I'm gonna be on TV!

I'll start working on my crying face!

[SOBBING WILDLY]

[SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCHUMER] Because Hillary
made coal miners

do the Renegade dance at gunpoint,

we are gathered here today to
mourn our tanking poll numbers

in Senator Hickenlooper's Colorado race.

If we could please bow our
heads for a moment of silence.

[REPORTER] Sorry for
interrupting whatever this is,

but President Trump has just
outsourced the management

of his Work From School program

to mercenary Blackwater Contractors?

So... that's bad?

This has caused a polling
upswing for Senate Democrats.

[ANGRILY] Damn it! I mean...
[SWEETLY] Damn it.

I mean, uh, damn it.

Press conference over!

Go home to your Games
of Throne. I know I will.

Even when we try to lose,
Trump makes us win.

It's time for a hail Mary.

Get into the mind of Mitch McConnell

to tank Democrats' chances
of re-election for good?

Sounds invasive.
We can't do that to a friend.

- Then what?
- Let's find out how to sink

the Democratic party from our
frenemies, Bernie and AOC.

Ugh! But Bernie chews
with his mouth open

whether he's eating or not!

[BOTH SHUDDER] Jinxies!

Do you like bar? Do you like restaurant?

Well, then, have we got
a place for you or you!

Come on down. Or don't!

I'm not going to tell you
what to do either way.

Are we advertising a
bar or a restaurant?

I don't know. I don't want
to make that decision.

What if we call it...

The Bar Or Restaurant Restaurant?!

That's a great idea!

We'll let customers decide
what we sell to them.

The Bar Or Restaurant Restaurant...

where a drunk can be a drunk.

- Or not!
- Puuughh!

So, what do you panhandling
Antifa generals want?

Remember... we're going
to do the opposite

of everything they say.

Chuck, we are on your side.

Yeah. Sure. The same s... same side.

We want you to listen to constituents

and then pass legislation
that reflects their concerns.

"Listen... to... constituents."

- [BERNIE] We want you to...
- Eh, I'm not done writing that line yet.

"Pass... legislation."

And call out Trump,

but use stronger language than,
"Hey, get a load of this guy."

"Call... out... Trump."

Do you really need to write this down?

This doesn't come
naturally to me, okay?!

I'll keep it simple, stupid.

Just denounce Trump at every turn.

Every turn. Or we'll
tear this party apart

like it was a budget-line item

promising to buy the police a bazooka.

Okay. Got it. Thank you for your time.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- You know what that means.

[TOGETHER] Time to align
ourselves with Trump

to lose the Senate for
Democrats! Jinxies!

Buy me an ice-cream freezer.

Ooh. Not sure I can
afford one right now.

How 'bout a Tesla?

[KAVANAUGH] Is the new
social-distancing rule

that bars can only have one
blackout drunk patron at a time?

We need to do something
to get the party going.

I can't decide for myself.

I need you sober enough
to tell me what to do.

N-o-o-o!!

[GRUNTING]

Stupid idiot sign with the idiot nails!

[CRASHING]

Brett, what did you do?

I ripped this off the sign
because it looked at me funny!

You think you're better
than me, word-on-a-sign?!

I went to law school!

[CUSTOMER] The Bar
Restaurant Restaurant.

That sounds like a great
place to get piss-drunk

and yell at my dad!

[KAVANAUGH] Whoo! To Squee!

[SCHUMER] On behalf of
the Democratic party,

we'd like to commend President Trump

on his brilliant Work
From School program

which will kickstart our economy

with little children-sized feet.

It's time to put these
youngsters to work.

And if they're old enough to work,

they're old enough to date.

Ah-ah-ah! No need to
speak, Mr. President.

You've done enough. Thank you
for your fearless leadership.

You're right! I am a fearless big boy!

The only thing I'm afraid of
is the drug-induced Babadook

who appears each night
to sit on my chest

until I agree to nuke Iran.

Great speech, Mr. President.
Let's quit while we're ahead.

Cool. I gotta call the prime minister

of some [BLEEP]-hole country anyway.

- Photo opp over!
- It's working, Nancy!

Polls show support for Democrats

has plummeted after party leaders

did what one voter described
as "literally the only thing

they had to avoid doing
to pull this one out."

We're projected to lose
every toss-up Senate race!

Crisis averted!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[MAN] Hey. What's today's special?

Um, uh, um...

Today's special is... Narsty Lite.

Okay. I'll take one of those.

Brett! Did you just see that?!

I made a decision, and I
shamelessly stuck by it!

I'm a regular Sophie from that
movie where she makes a choice.

I didn't see it, but I bet
she'd be proud of me.

Susie! Hand me another Narsty Lite!

O-kay!

[GULPING] A yearbook is
like a diary! It is private!

This is actually kind of fun!

Choosing Narsty Lites
is like choosing sides.

Maybe I can do it!

[SCHUMER] We did it. Soak it in, Nancy.

This is the Senate chamber
we'll never control.

[BERNIE] We knew it!

The establishment is sabotaging
the Democratic party!

We're done. We're starting a new party.

- Your ass is grass, Chucky.
- Excuse me?

You heard him! Swing left dot com,

hashtag defund democrats,

backslash America's canceled dot gov!

Look at me. Look at me.
We're the captains now.

This is all just a big misunderstanding.

Uh, falso! You blew up the
party to spite your base.

Now we're not only losing in the Senate;

we're projected to lose the House!

Lose the House?!

- [TOGETHER] Obvi!
- Jinxies.

Buy me a pair of sustainable
TOMS slippers

so another pair will be donated
to shoeless children in Africa.

But that means I'll lose the
Speaker of the House bidet!

I can't pee in the same
bathroom as Liz Cheney.

She hums!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Randy. Heard about you and the wife.

You gotta leave her, man.
She's holding you back.

I've decided.

Paula, you're deciding
between tequila and vodka.

Hm. Let's go with tequila
since vodka makes you play

with that handgun in your purse.

Decided!

A dirty Narsty Lite with
six shots of absinthe.

You got it, Brett Kavanaugh.

A decision... I've made!

- [GURGLING]
- You know, for a Supreme Court justice,

your taste in drinks is
kinda "small-claims court."

- [PATRONS LAUGHING]
- Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

Okay, okay. I can take it.

It's not like I publicly
cry all the time.

I mean, you really do have bad taste.

No wonder you're always on the same side

as that pube freak Clarence Thomas.

- [PATRONS LAUGHING]
- Um, hello!

He's the only other guy whose
confirmation was tainted

by credible claims of sexual
misconduct! We clicked!

You are the Narsty Lite
of appointed judges...

regrettable in the moment and
even worse the next day.

- [PATRONS LAUGHING]
- You can come for me,

but don't you dare
insult my Narsty Lite!

You've crossed the line, Collins!

[SOBBING]

[PELOSI] What'll happen to democracy

and my "hashtag boss babe" status

if the Democrats lose the House?!

Chuck?! Are you even listening?!

- I hear you.
- Well, aren't you gonna say anything?

I'm not worried about it.

You're not worried
because you have a plan

or you're not worried because
things will be fine?

As long as I'm the last
Democratic senator standing,

I'll always have an
exclusive pot to piss in

and oil money to shill. I'm golden.

Have you no shame, sir?

I was fine with doing nothing

when the police were body
slamming 90-year-olds.

I was okay with inaction

when millions of Americans
lost their jobs

because of a global pandemic

that we knew was coming and in
many instances made money from.

I was even okay

when the Arctic started looking
like a melted raspberry slushie.

But I will not lose

the Speaker of the House
bathroom privileges!

Don't worry, Nance. This will
all be worth it in the end.

No power, no problem.

For the first time in our
decades-old political alliance,

I regret co-conspiring with you.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Hey, who spilled my dirty Narsty Lite?!

[MAN] Uh, you did. We just saw you.

- Shut up!
- [BOTTLE SHATTERS]

[SHOUTING, PUNCHES LANDING]

Stop it! Stop it!

This is not what The Bar
Restaurant Restaurant

Bar Restaurant is about!

Get out, Brett Kavanaugh.
I'm cuttin' you off.

[GASPS] How dare you call me
out on my destructive behavior!

I thought you were my friend!

[SOBBING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Nobody holds Brett
Kavanaugh accountable!

Brett! Don't do it! How could you?

How could me? How could you?!

You made fun of me in
front of all those people

like I'm some kind of drunk clown.

- Well, I mean, c'mon...
- You're the clown!

The sad little clown
named... Susan Collins.

Fuck! I can't think of anything!

Fair is fair! You call me a mean name,

I burn your life to the ground!

That's the Brett Kavanaugh Experience!

- [FLAMES RUSH]
- [COLLINS GASPS]

Oh, you are the worst choice
I ever made in my life!

And to think, I could have started

The Bar Restaurant Restaurant Bar

with Merrick Garland!

You made your decision. Live with it.

Buuuughhh!

[SOBBING AND VOMITING]

I'm here to lightly condemn the
GOP's newest anti-LGBT bill

mandating a new season of Will & Grace

where every episode ends
with Will marrying Grace.

- [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
- It is very... not nice.

And I denounce...

I'm sorry, but it's just not the same

without anyone to jinxies with.

[REPORTER] Sorry. Excuse me. Jinxies?

Is that on the record?

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

- Isn't this awesome?
- I guess. Heh.

I don't know. Not really.

Then why did the DSA just
repost us on their Finstagram?

I don't even know what those words mean.

[COLLINS] Thanks for nothin'.

I'm just going to retire
from the Senate in dignity.

I've decided.

[INCOHERENT MUMBLING] _

Why's that?

_

_

Oh. You're right.

Another terrible decision in a long line

of terrible decisions from me.

_

[CRYING] You're right.

_

_

I don't, either. What's done is done.

_

_

_

- What's that?
- [GRUMBLES]

_

- Puuugggh!
- [VOMIT SPLASHING]

[OBAMA] Thank you both for coming.

I'm surprised you're not too busy

flossing with your new comrades.

I'm surprised you're not taking
a dump on the House floor.

Enough. I brought you together
to work out your differences.

I am sick of constantly
cleaning up your messes.

I'm retired. I got a Netflix deal.

I've secretly been to space.
Now's the time for party unity.

Enough speeches. Chuck, do you
have anything to say to me?

You were being a selfish prick!

We're always selfish pricks.

I don't understand why
it's suddenly a problem.

Because it affected me!

It's okay for you not to care
about anyone or anything,

but don't direct that narcissistic
apathy towards me.

We're a team.

And while there is no "I" in team,

there is an "M" and "E,"

as in "don't fuck with me ever again"!

Nancy, I'm sorry.

I should have never put your Speaker
of the House bathroom at risk.

- I forgive you.
- I'm so glad we're making up.

Life wasn't the same without you.

I had no one to do jinxies with.

Same. I got carpal tunnel
filming AOC's TikToks.

But how do we move forward?

I still don't want to be
in charge of anything.

Me neither. But we need to win,

for the sake of our political alliance.

Oh, don't be scared of winning.
Nothing will change regardless.

You're Democrats.

You're gonna water down
all your proposals anyway.

- [BOTH] Yes, we can.
- [OBAMA] Yes, we can.

Can a brother get a jinxies?

This is going to be the hardest

we've ever fought for
the American people.

Nurses, schmurses!
We're the real heroes!

[TELEPHONE RINGS, WOMAN SCREAMING]

Yes, constituent. I hear your concerns.

- We're listening.
- [WOMAN SCREAMING]

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

[INSPIRATIONAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

_

_

_

[SCHUMER AND PELOSI]
President Trump is a racist...

authoritarian... The Hague!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[REPORTER] Will you or
will you not be voting

for President Trump's re-election?

Yes, I am here to speak
to you all today.

But, no, I did not come
here all on my own.

Yes, I did, in fact, get help
from Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

No, he is not here right now.

Yes, he is currently unconscious.

No, he refuses to get off
of my bathroom floor.

Let's do this one more time.

Will you or will you not be voting

for President Trump's re-election?

Yes... to be... or not to be.

That is the question that Hamlet raised

in the movie, uh, Hamlet...

Come on! Some of us have
second jobs selling plasma!

Okay, okay. I have made a decision.

And, no, I will not be
sharing it with you

until after the winner is announced.

- [REPORTERS GROAN]
- I've decided.

[MAN] At least she didn't jump
out the window this time.

To Squee!

[SCHUMER] We're supposed
to get the e-mail

with the Senate race poll
data any minute now.

- [DING]
- Look, Chuck! There it is!

How do we read what's inside?

- Open the attachment.
- I don't know how!

Usually Pete Buttigieg does that for me.

- Then call him.
- God, no.

I'm not talking to Politico's
Doogie Howser.

Just double-click it!

- I am clicking it.
- No, double click it.

Do you hear that "click, click, click"?

I'm clicking it, Nancy!

- [DING]
- _

Well, we're in a dead-heat race

with the party responsible
for an economic recession,

the rise of fascism,
and a pandemic outbreak.

[TOGETHER] So, yes,
we're winning. Jinxies!

I'm Anderson Cooper,

and my eyes are what the
inside of a glacier looks like.

In congressional news, Senator
Schumer and Speaker Pelosi

have pledged to use a
Democrat-controlled Senate

to do absolutely nothing.

And sources confirm that Senator Collins

hasn't crashed through a Capitol
Building window in days.

I'm sure this is exactly
how the Founding Fathers

intended the two-party
system to function.

Great job, Susie! You decided
to not not take a stand.

And hopefully I won't have to.

With any luck, the Supreme
Court will decide the election.

Democracy lies in your trembling,
vomit-covered hands.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ah. That is the case!

[LAUGHING]

Hey, can I pick the next
Supreme Court justice?

I got a Delta Kappa buddy

in a real bad spot, child support-wise!

- ['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
- ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!