Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - Episode #3.15 - full transcript
- _
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Oh, sure,
QAnon has inspired some shootings,
but at least they've
taken the brave stance
of being anti-pedophilia!
Anyway... can you believe it?
I'm already back on the campaign trail
despite my coronavirus diagnosis
and all the mini-strokes before that!
By the way, you guys are
standing way too far apart!
I want you linked up elbow-to-elbow
like a wheezing macaroni necklace!
[CROWD MEMBERS COUGHING]
Hey, folks! Thanks for the
polite, restrained applause!
Right now, there's a president
out there being totally reckless.
And I'm not talking about
the good kind of reckless,
like chugging tobacco dip
and asking the quarterback's
girl to boogie to urban music.
Don't worry. Doc says I'm immune.
And he got certified in Guam!
I just wanna give
everyone a big fat kiss!
I won't. You people are revolting.
You're more Giuliani's type.
If you're interested, line up outside
the out-of-order men's room
from most to least resemblance
to Swamp Thing.
Everything's going
eerily well for me, huh?
Is anyone else getting the "Aw, shit,
is this 2016 again?" night sweats?
Relax! Hillary was a crusty
establishment centrist
with no platform.
I'm that but with cool sunglasses
and every facial ligament removed!
Don't let Biden fool ya.
Kamala's running the show.
Oh, sure, she and Joe have identical
political and personal beliefs,
but there's just something
about her I don't trust.
Not sure what it is.
Oh, yeah... black.
Good news, folks!
My campaign manager
says I'm doing so well,
he's sending me to space
'til Election Day!
Always wondered what a green
set of hooters looks like!
Let's hear it for Lindsey Graham!
Just when we thought he couldn't
debase himself anymore,
he breaks his word to steal
another Supreme Court seat!
At least his re-election
campaign's going well.
I need help, God damn it!
My opponent just raised
a billion dollars!
Refinance your house, sell a child,
take your credit cards
and text me the numbers!
- [WAILING]
- Let it out, Lindsey.
My beautiful lifestyle!
- It's gonna be okay.
- [WHEEZING]
Well, it's not, but, you know...
I'm not a fan of packing the court.
Is that vague enough to keep
absolutely no one satisfied?
Get used to it! I'm ringing that bell
'til CNN calls Florida!
Who wants my sweaty bed sheets
from Walter Reed Hospital?!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [CANNON FIRING]
[GIGGLING] It's funny!
Untold thousands are dead,
and I've gotten everything
I ever wanted.
Am I actually feeling
joy for the first time?
Nope. Still dead in there.
Folks, enough's enough!
Trump's a dangerous man,
lining his pockets,
praising white supremacists,
throwing kids in cages!
We can't have that guy leading
our great nation anymore.
There. I'm sure that basic,
logical argument will resonate
with all those
decent-hearted Trump voters.
Open those bronchial tubes
and show me you love me!
- [DANCE MUSIC THUMPING]
- [COUGHING]
[MAN] Whoo! Infect me, Daddy!
♪ ♪
- [MUFFLED SCREAMING]
- Don't worry.
I'll keep an eye on him.
♪ ♪
I'm Lester Holt, and I
look great in a sweater,
so I'm hoping civil war won't
disrupt the new autumn fashions.
As the coronavirus pandemic rages on,
the recently infected President Trump
canceled a campaign
stop at a D.C. hospital.
Later, at that very same hospital,
a new hero of the pandemic emerged
when a brave mop bucket single-handedly
stopped a dolly of
precious ventilator parts
from tumbling down a stairwell
to total destruction.
Many are commending the mop bucket
for its bold and selfless leadership.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Rudy!
The TV's being mean to me again!
- Fix it! Fix it!
- Hold on! Hold on!
Hey, thanks again for letting
me crash in the Oval
while they spray my
place for crotch crabs.
They get mad at me if I don't
show up to the hospital,
they get mad if I do
show up without a mask
and give everyone COVID.
Would it kill them to say something
nice about me for a change?
[TV NARRATOR] And the President's
fearless leadership...
- Ooh!
- ... won him an unprecedented fourth term
- in 1944.
- Oh, good! I did it!
Wait a minute. It's not 1944. It's 2005!
Coming up, how FDR cemented his legacy
as the great wartime president.
You're watching the History Channel...
if it's not World War
II, it's not history.
How come PBJ got four terms?
He may have been a lefty snowflake
obsessed with public parks,
but FDR was kind of a slick rick.
He used war to unlock a whole
new level of executive power.
He got re-elected three times and
barely even had to campaign!
Wow! You mean he never had
to show up at dumb hospitals
where none of the nurses are tens?
I know! Genius!
No fugly first responders
killin' his buzz.
Ehh, it sounds like a lot of extra work.
Besides, I'll always be
beloved by my people.
Who else could provide
them the opportunity
to wear a red hat and
have scream seizures
in a converted rodeo arena once a month?
[CHRIS CUOMO]
But moving on to our top story,
the governor of New York has
announced a new initiative
to finally start working on
that lousy jump shot of his!
Euohh! You know I had
the meanest crossover
at St. Anthony's Academy
for Political Legacies.
'Ey, big brother, maybe
you should "cross over"
to a new brand of mouthwash.
I can smell your breath from here!
- Pee-yew!
- 'Ey, seriously, little brother,
congrats on the mondo ratings.
Just remember who the big respected
big guy is in our family, huh!
That's why I'm Ma's favorite!
Euohh! Just for that, I'm tellin' Ma
you'll bring the soup
to Sunday dinner this week!
Euohh! I hate doin' all that stirrin'!
That's all the time we have
tonight on Cuomo Prime Time.
- Thanks for joining us, Governor.
- Alright. I love you.
I love you so much,
it hurts my frickin' brain!
[CHRIS] You did it, Chrissy...
soaring ratings, adoring viewers,
and your very own dressing room
with a special sign on the
door that says "CNN."
All thanks to a funky little virus
that makes you hallucinate
smokin'-hot mermaids on the ceiling.
Euohh. Tapper's on!
Gotta take time to support
those less beloved than me.
[TAPPER] He may have won his
personal bout with the virus,
but President Chump,
famous for his eating habits,
is about to be served an
electoral knuckle sandwich
by the pandemic... of American lives.
That's our show. Thank you to CNN
for awarding me the prestigious
Excellence in Stoicism
and Newsmanship Medal
for the fourth year in a row.
I shall wear it with pride.
Medal? Newsmanship? Shall?!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
All of the experts I've consulted
from an old edition of
SkyMall magazine say...
this miniature Fonzie bird-feeder
has shown promising signs
of curing coronavirus.
Either that, or it will bring
rockin' memories of the 1950s
- to your very own front lawn.
- [REPORTER] Mr. President,
can you address the rising
coronavirus death toll?
Ugh! For the billionth time, no!
[REPORTER 2] What about the fact
that you contracted coronavirus
after downplaying its
severity for months?
Ugh! Next question, please.
[REPORTER 3] Any comment
on the prominent mop bucket
whose third-party write-in
campaign for president
is rapidly gaining steam?
Have you considered asking
the mop bucket for guidance?
Ooh! I hate that stupid bucket!
Because of, uh, Bucketgate.
Very crooked stuff.
I won't say any more.
The bucket is a pedophile.
Okay, we're done here!
[TAPPER] Then President Chump
steals the sheriff's badge
from Deputy Democracy,
which brings us to our
dark night of the soul.
Knock, knock! Hah-hah! Just kiddin'!
I made that sound with my
mouth. Pretty good, huh?
I just want to congratulate
ya for your medal thingy.
- Seems pretty neat.
- Ah, thank you, good sir!
Nice of you to stop by in person.
Anderson Cooper always just sends me
a Vanderbilt signet ring.
Jeez. Joo-la-ree?
What does he think you are... a chick?
Ho, ho! Very good!
You know, you sometimes remind
me of a young Jake Tapper.
Really? But I'm not nearly
as serious as you.
Plus, your name is Jake,
and mine's Chris Cuomo.
You're full of potential!
With the right training, you could be
a real respected newsman like me.
The kind of unflappable
luminary who isn't afraid
to put himself right at
the center of a story
that would otherwise not
involve him in any way.
Geez. Thanks, Mr. Tapper.
But I'm already pretty
respected as it is.
I mean, I got a sign
on my door that says
"Christopher News
Network" and everything!
Well, if you change your
mind, give me a call.
A true newsman never backs
away from a challenge
of their own stratospheric
power and influence...
much like President
Chump never backs down
from a Twitter duel at
the Covfefe Saloon.
[CHUCKLES] Covfefe Saloon.
That's funny. Gotta get that in.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
Give it to me straight, Rudy.
How'd I do at the press conference?
Did QAnon dox the bucket yet?
That mop bucket is untouchable,
like the gogo dancer at Bazongas
who says if I touch her calf
again, she'll punt my jaw!
68% of Americans say
they would trust the mop bucket
in a leadership position.
That's nothing to worry about. Unless...
The presidency isn't a
"leadership position," is it?
- It is.
- Ughhh!
But there's still hope, Donald.
Think about it... what's
the one thing you can do
that that mop bucket can't?
- I dunno. Swim?
- No!
Declare war.
It's a foolproof re-election hack!
If I had the power to declare war,
I'd have finally been able to
use the Havana Club toilet
without the bus boy
calling in a SWAT team!
Ehhhh... I dunno.
Also, COVID affected you personally.
Then something must be done!
[CHRIS] So get this, Ma,
I'm talkin' to John Kerry,
- y'know, on my TV show...
- [MOTHER CUOMO] Uh-huh. Wow.
And I says to him... I says, you
may have fought the Viet Cong,
but I'm waging an unwinnable
war against your breath!
- Oh, Chrissy! Oh, my gawd!
- He got a real kick outta that.
Hey, I'll take another pint
of the house red on the rocks
- when ya get a chance!
- [PHONE BUZZES]
Whoops. Gotta go.
Andrew just sent me a video!
Classic big brother. Love ya, Ma!
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Ah, what respectful tribute
have my fans cooked up now?
[NARRATOR] Time for
Chris Cuomo's Greatest...
[SNICKERS] ... Hits.
[CHRIS] 'Ey, Mr. Kissinger,
the American people
would really like to know,
how much you squattin' these days?
I'd say 200 easy with buns like that!
- [BOING!]
- Hey, we'll get back
to the opee-dopee crisis in a sec.
I gotta ask ya about that hair pomade!
Welcome to the show, Colin Powell.
So, your name sounds
like part of an ass, huh?
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- _
[TAPPER] Good night. And remember...
I'd be nothing without my devoted,
loyal viewers worshipping at my feet.
I think I wanna be a serious news guy.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP GROANING]
Guahh! Ahh!
Well, if I'm up, I'm up.
Where's my Sudafed?
[FDR] Donald, my boy. It is I...
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
But you may call me FDR.
Nice to meet you, Mr. PBJ.
I heard you're having a spot of trouble
with this old coronavirus flipperdickle.
- [SADLY] Uh-huh.
- You know, my friend,
there are a few similarities we share.
I hate sharing! Give 'em
to me! They're mine!
I remember the days leading
up to World War II.
Hitler steadily invading Europe,
shipping Jews to concentration
camps by the thousands.
And then one day, something
bad happened... Pearl Harbor.
It was then that I knew
we had to go to war.
And thus I became a wartime president,
handily winning an unprecedented
four straight elections.
Wow! You must be so cozy.
That I am, dear boy.
But such coziness must be
earned through the gumption
and hard work to confront the enemy.
You must... go to war.
- I want it! I want it!
- Very good, my boy.
Claim... your... destiny!
I must become a blanket president.
I mean wartime president.
♪ ♪
Crowd in, everybody!
I haven't been feverish in hours!
The United States is under
attack from a vicious enemy
targeting our most vulnerable,
blanket-less presidents.
I therefore today request from Congress
a formal declaration of
war against coronavirus.
No matter where coronavirus hides,
we will smoke it out of its
cave and shoot it dead!
[MURMURING]
And remember that not voting
for war is political suicide.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[PATRIOTIC MARCH PLAYS]
♪ War, war, we've got to go to war ♪
♪ War is good, and we are good ♪
♪ And that is why we must go to war ♪
♪ The virus, the virus,
we must defeat the virus ♪
♪ We'd much prefer religions ♪
♪ Or those countries on small islands ♪
♪ But for now, we'll wage
a war on the virus ♪
Welcome, Christopher,
to the natural habitat
of a serious newsman... my studio.
Whoa! This TV studio looks
just like it does on TV.
Man, I gotta call my
brother. And get this...
he's the frickin' governor of New York!
Unh-unh-unh! Not so fast, Christopher.
Your brother's a public figure,
and you mustn't mix the news
with your personal life.
These are the cardinal rules
of serious newsmanship.
One, the guest is your
enemy, not your friend.
And, two, the audience doesn't
tune in to see your guest;
they tune in to see you.
But, Mr. Tapper, what if
the guest is my brother?
My brother's my friend!
Blood may be thicker than water,
but the news is the
thickest thing of all.
And that thick, thick news
is what runs in our veins, my boy.
Wow! So that's what came
spurtin' outta my head
after I tried to race a
swordfish on my Jet Ski?
Now, pretend we're on your show
and deliver me any news story
without mentioning any family members.
- Go on. Try it.
- Okay.
Uh, leading epi-dee-mee-ologists say
that there could be a second wave...
Ahem. A second wave of... of...
One time I went to a Mets
game with my brothers
Andrew and Mario Junior,
and we did the wave,
and we almost made it onto Fox Sports!
Did I do it?
The answer is... a resounding no.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] And finally,
the Trump International
National Air Force Base
/Resort/Casino
will feature the world's
first swim-up omelet bar.
All in service to my perfect war.
[MNUCHIN] Yeah, Mr. President,
normally when it comes
to military spending,
I'd say the drone-filled
sky's the limit,
but your war is extremely unpopular
with the American people right now.
But I like the war!
I'm having a great time!
[POMPEO] With all due respect, sir,
I'm not sure how this will
be perceived as helpful
to our Armed Forces' overall mission.
Fine! We can convert
one of the infinity pools
into an interrogation pit.
But I'm not getting rid
of the waterslides!
Of course, sir, but unfortunately
the selfish American people
refuse to see your side of things.
[MNUCHIN] They're this close to rioting,
and our riot-gear budget alone
is already like seven NASAs.
Sorry, Mr. President,
but we can't do much
'til more Americans support the war.
Ohhh! Guhhh! Ehhrrrr!
[CHRIS] It's no use, Mr. Tapper!
I'm just a dumb meathead
with a head fulla meat.
I'll never be nothin' like
the big shots Cronkite
and Jennings and you.
Well, I... Wow. Cronkite
and Jennings? Really?
Well, uh, say, Christopher,
haven't you ever heard
of the legendary Italian-American
newsman Vince, uhhh, News?
- Who?
- Why, Vince News, of course!
He ruled the airwaves in
the golden age of news.
He never backed down from asking
the hard-hitting questions
and once even fiercely
interrogated his own brother,
the governor of New... Zealand.
Which is why he was
awarded the first-ever
CNN Stoicism and Newsmanship Medal.
Whoa. Mr. Tapper, do you think
I could be the next Vince News?
Does democracy die in darkness?
Please just answer the
question, Mr. Tapper.
My God! He's got it!
[GIULIANI] Listen, Mr. President.
I wasn't just born America's Mayor.
I had to earn the people's trust
after September whatever it was.
In times of national tragedy,
you don't get to skip
right to the fun stuff.
First you gotta act real serious and sad
to show people you really care.
But I hate doing things
people tell me to do!
But then, after you drop
the act a few weeks later,
people will praise you for your
poise and leadership forever,
even if you went straight
Uptown from Ground Zero
to pork a Romanian escort
behind the Times Square Forever 21.
Praise you forever?
You bet your flat ass!
It's all about showing these
suckers that you care.
You know what, Rudy?
I think I might just be
onto something here.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
And so, my fellow Americans,
we must all remember that the enemy
is not our hot, buff president
or his cool war,
but this horrible, stupid virus.
We must not let this war divide us.
You're either with us
or you're with the virus. Good night.
Way to go, Donald! For the
first time in eight months,
your name is trending
completely independently
from the phrase "prolapsed anus mouth"!
Yes! Take that, pervert mop bucket!
Oh, and, by the way, you've earned this.
Don't mind the oyster-cracker crumbs.
[TWINKLING]
I did it! I'm a blanket president.
[SWEEPING FANFARE PLAYS]
[NEWS INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]
Good evening, one and all,
and welcome to the premiere
of the Christopher Cuomo Prime Time
Serious Show As It Were.
Damn it, Tapper, you're good.
Our guest tonight is an elected official
from New York, as it were.
Good evening, Governor.
'Ey, little brother. Why so serious?
Heh. The Joker, 'ey?
Ahem! Governor Cuomo,
despite early praise,
some have called your response
to the coronavirus pandemic,
as it were, sorely lacking.
Care to respond?
Come on, Chrissy. What's the big idea?
I'll take that as a no, as it were.
Governor Cuomo, experts say
social distancing could
have saved thousands
if implemented even one week earlier.
Why did you resist early calls
for a statewide shelter-in-place order?
- As it were?
- I... I, uh...
At the risk of editorializing,
Mr. Cuomo,
you are an objectively evil murderer
unfit for public office,
and I am ashamed to
share your last name.
That's all the time
we have this evening.
Good night, America. As it were.
- Tapper!
- Can we go back to talkin'
about basketball?
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Good night, America.
Stay strong, support our
troops, and tune in tomorrow
to hear about my
patriotic new initiative
replacing the CDC chief
with the red-headed alcoholic
who killed Bin Laden.
- [CLICK]
- I could use a vacation.
Swim-up omelet bar, here I come!
Not so fast, Donald. Just because
you get to stop campaigning
doesn't mean you get to stop working!
You gotta stay put if you
want those re-elections.
But I wanna be first on the waterslide!
I'll be damned if I have to wait in line
behind a bunch of Gold Star widows!
Being a wartime president
is a full-time job!
It's not a normal nine-to-five,
like slumlording or
dressing-room supervision.
If someone snaps a photo of
you eating a dropped omelet
out of a pool filter,
there goes your new image.
You'll need to stick by that fireplace
until Election Day 2020...
and Election Day 2024...
and Election Day 2028...
- and Election Day 2032...
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] War is hell.
[MOTHER SCREAMING] Christopher!
Ma, Ma! Quit yellin' at me!
I'm disinvited to Sunday dinner?
But it's Sunday dinner!
What do you mean, after what
I did to my poor brother?
Ma, listen. The news
is thicker than blood!
No, that's not stupid.
Maybe you're stupid!
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Wait. Ma! Ma? I'm sorry!
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- _
[NARRATOR] Ah, yes.
Indubitably, as it were.
[SLIDE WHISTLES AND FLATULENCE]
[HANNITY] The brand-new
Trump National International
Air Force Base/Resort/Casino
was paid a visit
by a prominent mop bucket
who was among the first
to go down the base's
brand-new waterslide.
♪ ♪
- Knock. Knock.
- Nice try.
I know you did that with your mouth.
Well spotted, my boy.
I just wanted to say how impressed I am
with your, dare I say,
Tapper-esque lack of levity.
I have a little something
for you from the network.
Unless it's a plate of
my ma's Sunday ravioli,
I'm not interested.
This, my boy, is worth
one thousand raviolos.
It's my great honor to
award a fellow recipient
the CNN Excellence in Stoicism
and Newsmanship Medal!
[SARCASTICALLY] Oh, great. Joo-la-ree.
- What am I... a chick?
- What's gotten into you?
You're riffing and bopping like
a common stand-up comedian.
You ruined my life, you dumb stunad!
Whoa! No need for such
colorfully ethnic language,
normally a thing of beauty,
now employed at my expense.
Screw you, Jake Tapper!
I bet that wasn't even
what Vince News really looked like!
Vince News wasn't real...
- [GASPS]
- ... but merely a figment conjured
from my unstoppable
imagination to help you!
I now realize that was a mistake.
Good night and good luck, Christopher.
My hero, Vince News, not... real?
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I hope you're happy!
I'm hot, bored, and everything
smells like barbecue,
but there's no barbecue!
Anywhere! I checked!
You just gotta hang in there, Donald!
This isn't mapping out your
cousin's erogenous zones;
it doesn't happen
overnight in a hot tub.
You did this to me, Giuliani!
Because of your genius advice,
I'm stuck being a boring
wartime president forever!
But I guess that's
something a measly little
forever-mayor could never understand!
Hey, now! There's lotsa
stuff I don't understand...
how birds boink, how to
make any of the toilets
in my house work again...
but it'll work out,
the same way everything
worked out for me.
Ooh-ee! I can feel the
bedbugs on my left flank.
It feels like they're
appointing a queen!
I don't wanna hear it!
Y'know, sometimes I wonder
if you're even on my side at all. Aah!
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Good thing I got this pint of house red.
[FLAMES WHOOSH]
O, blanket, my blanket!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP WAILING]
[POMPEO] Bad news from the front, sir.
Our skirmishes overseas have
ballooned into full-on wars,
and the freshly drafted civilians
are getting their
behinds handed to them.
- Uh-huh.
- Also, that redheaded alcoholic
you put in charge of the CDC resigned
after claiming he took
the coronavirus out
with a headshot in 2011.
- 'Kay.
- I'm sorry to say it,
but the U.S. might be on track
to lose its first-ever war.
Several decades from now, of course.
I already lost my blanket.
Nothing can hurt me now.
[TAPPER] And now for a very
special spin-off edition
of "President Chump,"
I give you "Chris Bozo."
[TAPPER] Chris Bozo
was an unhappy monkey
who asked his great
friend Jake Zookeeper
to teach him how to stop eating bugs
and flinging excrement
at his zoo viewers.
But then the ungrateful Chris Bozo
insulted Jake Zookeeper's cartoons,
which, if they're good
enough for The Dartmouth,
are certainly good
enough for Chris Bozo.
And so Bozo went right
back to monkeying around,
with his monkey tail
- between his monkey legs.
- [WARBLE!]
Monkey see, monkey... don't?
That Chris Bozo guy
kinda reminds me of me.
Unnhhh.
Blanket! Want my... blanket!
- [FDR] Patience, my boy!
- Blanket?
Donald, you mustn't give up now!
You're almost halfway through
the beginning of the first act
of phase one of your wartime
presidency's early days!
But my war is losing, Mr. PBJ.
And I already lost my blanket.
A wartime presidency isn't like mapping
your cousin's erogenous zones;
it doesn't happen overnight
in a clawfoot bathtub.
You must keep fighting
the enemy just as I did,
until it claims your very life.
Haven't I done enough to fight the enemy
by ignoring it until it knocked
out me and half my staff?
And I couldn't have done it all
without the help of my beautiful
cousin-wife, Eleanor Roosevelt!
[SCREAMS] She's frumpy! She's frumpy!
I don't wanna be like PBJ!
Hunh. Enough!
A real wartime president
doesn't let a war be the boss of him.
_
Hi. E-Excuse me? Mr. Cuomo?
I was in the building for an
adult scavenger hunt and...
Geez, Mr. Cuomo, why the large face?
Fuhgeddaboudit. In fact,
fuhgeddaboud everything.
Well, I just wanted to,
uh, congratulate you
on the new show. Righteous business!
But I always did admire
the way you were so
"you" on your old show.
Guess I liked 'em both, huh?
I tried to get everyone's respect,
but I'm just a gullible goof
who fell for Mr. Tapper's
fake Vince News cartoon.
Whoa. Mr. Tapper drew a cartoon for you?
Righteous business.
For him to devote his
priceless imagination to you
in cartoon form,
he must really respect you.
No one respects me.
I shoulda never tried
to become a serious newsman.
Now I'm as caught in
the middle as the Hulk
before he gets buff but
after he gets green.
Aw, come on, Mr. Cuomo.
Newsmanship is a spectrum.
There's just as much room for serious,
highly revered newsmen
like Jake Tapper and myself
as there is for down-to-earth goofballs
like you and Lester Holt.
- Really?!
- Of course.
Well, see ya around.
Hey, kid! Catch.
- Wow! Thanks, Mr. Cuomo!
- No.
- Thank you.
- Wow.
Geez. This thing's pretty heavy.
[VEHICLE REVERSE-SIGNAL BEEPING]
[RUMBLING]
What the hell are you doing, Donald?!
Something I should've
done a long time ago.
You had it all wrong. PBJ
and I are nothing alike.
I don't need to play by
his rules or his war.
I can be a wartime president
in my own way. Idiot!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
Today I've bravely decided
to declare victory against coronavirus.
It's time to bring our
troops home to America,
where they belong,
waiting 12 years for the VA
to approve their trauma counseling.
Finally, in remembrance
of the heroism of me
and sacrifice we all endured,
I hereby designate my blanket,
horrifically maimed
in the flames of war,
to be displayed in the Smithsonian
in a place of supreme honor
next to Archie Bunker's chair.
I'll either do that or
drop nuclear bombs
on all the coronavirus
hot zones in America.
- Blanket one!
- Yeah! Do the blanket thing!
[MAN] I'm thinkin' blanket!
[DRAMATIC CHORD STRIKES]
I'm Jake Tapper, and
every man is an island.
We may drift close to one another,
but never truly touch.
- Today's top story...
- 'Scuse me, 'scuse me!
Well if it isn't the rude Mr. Cuomo,
trespassing on my very show.
Excuse me, Mr. Tapper, but my top story
is I have somethin' to show you.
One day, the stupid monkey Chris Bozo
lost sight of what's important
and lost his Sunday dinner
and his family along the way.
He even lost his friend Mr. Tapper,
who was only trying to help him out.
Monkey see, monkey...
I'm sorry, Mr. Tapper.
- That drawing was really bad.
- Ya mean it?
Apology accepted, Christopher.
If I may, I'd like to shake your hand.
Euohh! Hands off the merchandise!
And now without further ado,
unless anyone wants to hear
my Chechen massage-parlor story again...
the man whose bravery and leadership
inspired this very Trump Monument,
President Donald Trump!
- [APPLAUSE]
- When I first declared this war,
I thought I needed a big foreign enemy
in order to be a wartime president.
But the real war was
inside me all along.
You see, a Trump war isn't
fought with sweeping invasions,
but with individual drone strikes
of hatred and personal cruelty.
I'll always be a wartime president
because I will always
have an enemy in those
who try to drag me down,
whether it's my cabinet,
my advisors, my immune system,
that mop bucket,
or even stupid President PBJ
and his butt-ugly wife.
And so I vow that a war like this one
will never happen again...
unless I feel like it.
I still kind of want to
drop an atomic bomb.
Anyway!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHRIS] Euohh! Watch it, will ya!
You're gettin' sauce on my Hugo Boss!
Lighten up, little brother!
Indeed, Christopher! Lighten! Lighten!
Welcome back, folks,
to the Christopher Cuomo
Prime Time Serious Show As It Were
Ayy Just Kiddin' Get Over Here, Kid."
Tonight we're talkin' Trump's
whole coronavirus deal.
You believe this guy? Va fongool!
- 'Ey! Va fongool!
- Disappointing to say the least!
This sauce is fantastic!
[ANDREW MOCKING TAPPER]
"This sauce is fantastic!"
Oh-ho! You got him, big brother!
I love you guys.
- [ANDREW] Love you, too.
- [TAPPER] And I love you, as well.
- ['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
- ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Trump!
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Oh, sure,
QAnon has inspired some shootings,
but at least they've
taken the brave stance
of being anti-pedophilia!
Anyway... can you believe it?
I'm already back on the campaign trail
despite my coronavirus diagnosis
and all the mini-strokes before that!
By the way, you guys are
standing way too far apart!
I want you linked up elbow-to-elbow
like a wheezing macaroni necklace!
[CROWD MEMBERS COUGHING]
Hey, folks! Thanks for the
polite, restrained applause!
Right now, there's a president
out there being totally reckless.
And I'm not talking about
the good kind of reckless,
like chugging tobacco dip
and asking the quarterback's
girl to boogie to urban music.
Don't worry. Doc says I'm immune.
And he got certified in Guam!
I just wanna give
everyone a big fat kiss!
I won't. You people are revolting.
You're more Giuliani's type.
If you're interested, line up outside
the out-of-order men's room
from most to least resemblance
to Swamp Thing.
Everything's going
eerily well for me, huh?
Is anyone else getting the "Aw, shit,
is this 2016 again?" night sweats?
Relax! Hillary was a crusty
establishment centrist
with no platform.
I'm that but with cool sunglasses
and every facial ligament removed!
Don't let Biden fool ya.
Kamala's running the show.
Oh, sure, she and Joe have identical
political and personal beliefs,
but there's just something
about her I don't trust.
Not sure what it is.
Oh, yeah... black.
Good news, folks!
My campaign manager
says I'm doing so well,
he's sending me to space
'til Election Day!
Always wondered what a green
set of hooters looks like!
Let's hear it for Lindsey Graham!
Just when we thought he couldn't
debase himself anymore,
he breaks his word to steal
another Supreme Court seat!
At least his re-election
campaign's going well.
I need help, God damn it!
My opponent just raised
a billion dollars!
Refinance your house, sell a child,
take your credit cards
and text me the numbers!
- [WAILING]
- Let it out, Lindsey.
My beautiful lifestyle!
- It's gonna be okay.
- [WHEEZING]
Well, it's not, but, you know...
I'm not a fan of packing the court.
Is that vague enough to keep
absolutely no one satisfied?
Get used to it! I'm ringing that bell
'til CNN calls Florida!
Who wants my sweaty bed sheets
from Walter Reed Hospital?!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [CANNON FIRING]
[GIGGLING] It's funny!
Untold thousands are dead,
and I've gotten everything
I ever wanted.
Am I actually feeling
joy for the first time?
Nope. Still dead in there.
Folks, enough's enough!
Trump's a dangerous man,
lining his pockets,
praising white supremacists,
throwing kids in cages!
We can't have that guy leading
our great nation anymore.
There. I'm sure that basic,
logical argument will resonate
with all those
decent-hearted Trump voters.
Open those bronchial tubes
and show me you love me!
- [DANCE MUSIC THUMPING]
- [COUGHING]
[MAN] Whoo! Infect me, Daddy!
♪ ♪
- [MUFFLED SCREAMING]
- Don't worry.
I'll keep an eye on him.
♪ ♪
I'm Lester Holt, and I
look great in a sweater,
so I'm hoping civil war won't
disrupt the new autumn fashions.
As the coronavirus pandemic rages on,
the recently infected President Trump
canceled a campaign
stop at a D.C. hospital.
Later, at that very same hospital,
a new hero of the pandemic emerged
when a brave mop bucket single-handedly
stopped a dolly of
precious ventilator parts
from tumbling down a stairwell
to total destruction.
Many are commending the mop bucket
for its bold and selfless leadership.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Rudy!
The TV's being mean to me again!
- Fix it! Fix it!
- Hold on! Hold on!
Hey, thanks again for letting
me crash in the Oval
while they spray my
place for crotch crabs.
They get mad at me if I don't
show up to the hospital,
they get mad if I do
show up without a mask
and give everyone COVID.
Would it kill them to say something
nice about me for a change?
[TV NARRATOR] And the President's
fearless leadership...
- Ooh!
- ... won him an unprecedented fourth term
- in 1944.
- Oh, good! I did it!
Wait a minute. It's not 1944. It's 2005!
Coming up, how FDR cemented his legacy
as the great wartime president.
You're watching the History Channel...
if it's not World War
II, it's not history.
How come PBJ got four terms?
He may have been a lefty snowflake
obsessed with public parks,
but FDR was kind of a slick rick.
He used war to unlock a whole
new level of executive power.
He got re-elected three times and
barely even had to campaign!
Wow! You mean he never had
to show up at dumb hospitals
where none of the nurses are tens?
I know! Genius!
No fugly first responders
killin' his buzz.
Ehh, it sounds like a lot of extra work.
Besides, I'll always be
beloved by my people.
Who else could provide
them the opportunity
to wear a red hat and
have scream seizures
in a converted rodeo arena once a month?
[CHRIS CUOMO]
But moving on to our top story,
the governor of New York has
announced a new initiative
to finally start working on
that lousy jump shot of his!
Euohh! You know I had
the meanest crossover
at St. Anthony's Academy
for Political Legacies.
'Ey, big brother, maybe
you should "cross over"
to a new brand of mouthwash.
I can smell your breath from here!
- Pee-yew!
- 'Ey, seriously, little brother,
congrats on the mondo ratings.
Just remember who the big respected
big guy is in our family, huh!
That's why I'm Ma's favorite!
Euohh! Just for that, I'm tellin' Ma
you'll bring the soup
to Sunday dinner this week!
Euohh! I hate doin' all that stirrin'!
That's all the time we have
tonight on Cuomo Prime Time.
- Thanks for joining us, Governor.
- Alright. I love you.
I love you so much,
it hurts my frickin' brain!
[CHRIS] You did it, Chrissy...
soaring ratings, adoring viewers,
and your very own dressing room
with a special sign on the
door that says "CNN."
All thanks to a funky little virus
that makes you hallucinate
smokin'-hot mermaids on the ceiling.
Euohh. Tapper's on!
Gotta take time to support
those less beloved than me.
[TAPPER] He may have won his
personal bout with the virus,
but President Chump,
famous for his eating habits,
is about to be served an
electoral knuckle sandwich
by the pandemic... of American lives.
That's our show. Thank you to CNN
for awarding me the prestigious
Excellence in Stoicism
and Newsmanship Medal
for the fourth year in a row.
I shall wear it with pride.
Medal? Newsmanship? Shall?!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
All of the experts I've consulted
from an old edition of
SkyMall magazine say...
this miniature Fonzie bird-feeder
has shown promising signs
of curing coronavirus.
Either that, or it will bring
rockin' memories of the 1950s
- to your very own front lawn.
- [REPORTER] Mr. President,
can you address the rising
coronavirus death toll?
Ugh! For the billionth time, no!
[REPORTER 2] What about the fact
that you contracted coronavirus
after downplaying its
severity for months?
Ugh! Next question, please.
[REPORTER 3] Any comment
on the prominent mop bucket
whose third-party write-in
campaign for president
is rapidly gaining steam?
Have you considered asking
the mop bucket for guidance?
Ooh! I hate that stupid bucket!
Because of, uh, Bucketgate.
Very crooked stuff.
I won't say any more.
The bucket is a pedophile.
Okay, we're done here!
[TAPPER] Then President Chump
steals the sheriff's badge
from Deputy Democracy,
which brings us to our
dark night of the soul.
Knock, knock! Hah-hah! Just kiddin'!
I made that sound with my
mouth. Pretty good, huh?
I just want to congratulate
ya for your medal thingy.
- Seems pretty neat.
- Ah, thank you, good sir!
Nice of you to stop by in person.
Anderson Cooper always just sends me
a Vanderbilt signet ring.
Jeez. Joo-la-ree?
What does he think you are... a chick?
Ho, ho! Very good!
You know, you sometimes remind
me of a young Jake Tapper.
Really? But I'm not nearly
as serious as you.
Plus, your name is Jake,
and mine's Chris Cuomo.
You're full of potential!
With the right training, you could be
a real respected newsman like me.
The kind of unflappable
luminary who isn't afraid
to put himself right at
the center of a story
that would otherwise not
involve him in any way.
Geez. Thanks, Mr. Tapper.
But I'm already pretty
respected as it is.
I mean, I got a sign
on my door that says
"Christopher News
Network" and everything!
Well, if you change your
mind, give me a call.
A true newsman never backs
away from a challenge
of their own stratospheric
power and influence...
much like President
Chump never backs down
from a Twitter duel at
the Covfefe Saloon.
[CHUCKLES] Covfefe Saloon.
That's funny. Gotta get that in.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
Give it to me straight, Rudy.
How'd I do at the press conference?
Did QAnon dox the bucket yet?
That mop bucket is untouchable,
like the gogo dancer at Bazongas
who says if I touch her calf
again, she'll punt my jaw!
68% of Americans say
they would trust the mop bucket
in a leadership position.
That's nothing to worry about. Unless...
The presidency isn't a
"leadership position," is it?
- It is.
- Ughhh!
But there's still hope, Donald.
Think about it... what's
the one thing you can do
that that mop bucket can't?
- I dunno. Swim?
- No!
Declare war.
It's a foolproof re-election hack!
If I had the power to declare war,
I'd have finally been able to
use the Havana Club toilet
without the bus boy
calling in a SWAT team!
Ehhhh... I dunno.
Also, COVID affected you personally.
Then something must be done!
[CHRIS] So get this, Ma,
I'm talkin' to John Kerry,
- y'know, on my TV show...
- [MOTHER CUOMO] Uh-huh. Wow.
And I says to him... I says, you
may have fought the Viet Cong,
but I'm waging an unwinnable
war against your breath!
- Oh, Chrissy! Oh, my gawd!
- He got a real kick outta that.
Hey, I'll take another pint
of the house red on the rocks
- when ya get a chance!
- [PHONE BUZZES]
Whoops. Gotta go.
Andrew just sent me a video!
Classic big brother. Love ya, Ma!
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Ah, what respectful tribute
have my fans cooked up now?
[NARRATOR] Time for
Chris Cuomo's Greatest...
[SNICKERS] ... Hits.
[CHRIS] 'Ey, Mr. Kissinger,
the American people
would really like to know,
how much you squattin' these days?
I'd say 200 easy with buns like that!
- [BOING!]
- Hey, we'll get back
to the opee-dopee crisis in a sec.
I gotta ask ya about that hair pomade!
Welcome to the show, Colin Powell.
So, your name sounds
like part of an ass, huh?
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- _
[TAPPER] Good night. And remember...
I'd be nothing without my devoted,
loyal viewers worshipping at my feet.
I think I wanna be a serious news guy.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP GROANING]
Guahh! Ahh!
Well, if I'm up, I'm up.
Where's my Sudafed?
[FDR] Donald, my boy. It is I...
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
But you may call me FDR.
Nice to meet you, Mr. PBJ.
I heard you're having a spot of trouble
with this old coronavirus flipperdickle.
- [SADLY] Uh-huh.
- You know, my friend,
there are a few similarities we share.
I hate sharing! Give 'em
to me! They're mine!
I remember the days leading
up to World War II.
Hitler steadily invading Europe,
shipping Jews to concentration
camps by the thousands.
And then one day, something
bad happened... Pearl Harbor.
It was then that I knew
we had to go to war.
And thus I became a wartime president,
handily winning an unprecedented
four straight elections.
Wow! You must be so cozy.
That I am, dear boy.
But such coziness must be
earned through the gumption
and hard work to confront the enemy.
You must... go to war.
- I want it! I want it!
- Very good, my boy.
Claim... your... destiny!
I must become a blanket president.
I mean wartime president.
♪ ♪
Crowd in, everybody!
I haven't been feverish in hours!
The United States is under
attack from a vicious enemy
targeting our most vulnerable,
blanket-less presidents.
I therefore today request from Congress
a formal declaration of
war against coronavirus.
No matter where coronavirus hides,
we will smoke it out of its
cave and shoot it dead!
[MURMURING]
And remember that not voting
for war is political suicide.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[PATRIOTIC MARCH PLAYS]
♪ War, war, we've got to go to war ♪
♪ War is good, and we are good ♪
♪ And that is why we must go to war ♪
♪ The virus, the virus,
we must defeat the virus ♪
♪ We'd much prefer religions ♪
♪ Or those countries on small islands ♪
♪ But for now, we'll wage
a war on the virus ♪
Welcome, Christopher,
to the natural habitat
of a serious newsman... my studio.
Whoa! This TV studio looks
just like it does on TV.
Man, I gotta call my
brother. And get this...
he's the frickin' governor of New York!
Unh-unh-unh! Not so fast, Christopher.
Your brother's a public figure,
and you mustn't mix the news
with your personal life.
These are the cardinal rules
of serious newsmanship.
One, the guest is your
enemy, not your friend.
And, two, the audience doesn't
tune in to see your guest;
they tune in to see you.
But, Mr. Tapper, what if
the guest is my brother?
My brother's my friend!
Blood may be thicker than water,
but the news is the
thickest thing of all.
And that thick, thick news
is what runs in our veins, my boy.
Wow! So that's what came
spurtin' outta my head
after I tried to race a
swordfish on my Jet Ski?
Now, pretend we're on your show
and deliver me any news story
without mentioning any family members.
- Go on. Try it.
- Okay.
Uh, leading epi-dee-mee-ologists say
that there could be a second wave...
Ahem. A second wave of... of...
One time I went to a Mets
game with my brothers
Andrew and Mario Junior,
and we did the wave,
and we almost made it onto Fox Sports!
Did I do it?
The answer is... a resounding no.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] And finally,
the Trump International
National Air Force Base
/Resort/Casino
will feature the world's
first swim-up omelet bar.
All in service to my perfect war.
[MNUCHIN] Yeah, Mr. President,
normally when it comes
to military spending,
I'd say the drone-filled
sky's the limit,
but your war is extremely unpopular
with the American people right now.
But I like the war!
I'm having a great time!
[POMPEO] With all due respect, sir,
I'm not sure how this will
be perceived as helpful
to our Armed Forces' overall mission.
Fine! We can convert
one of the infinity pools
into an interrogation pit.
But I'm not getting rid
of the waterslides!
Of course, sir, but unfortunately
the selfish American people
refuse to see your side of things.
[MNUCHIN] They're this close to rioting,
and our riot-gear budget alone
is already like seven NASAs.
Sorry, Mr. President,
but we can't do much
'til more Americans support the war.
Ohhh! Guhhh! Ehhrrrr!
[CHRIS] It's no use, Mr. Tapper!
I'm just a dumb meathead
with a head fulla meat.
I'll never be nothin' like
the big shots Cronkite
and Jennings and you.
Well, I... Wow. Cronkite
and Jennings? Really?
Well, uh, say, Christopher,
haven't you ever heard
of the legendary Italian-American
newsman Vince, uhhh, News?
- Who?
- Why, Vince News, of course!
He ruled the airwaves in
the golden age of news.
He never backed down from asking
the hard-hitting questions
and once even fiercely
interrogated his own brother,
the governor of New... Zealand.
Which is why he was
awarded the first-ever
CNN Stoicism and Newsmanship Medal.
Whoa. Mr. Tapper, do you think
I could be the next Vince News?
Does democracy die in darkness?
Please just answer the
question, Mr. Tapper.
My God! He's got it!
[GIULIANI] Listen, Mr. President.
I wasn't just born America's Mayor.
I had to earn the people's trust
after September whatever it was.
In times of national tragedy,
you don't get to skip
right to the fun stuff.
First you gotta act real serious and sad
to show people you really care.
But I hate doing things
people tell me to do!
But then, after you drop
the act a few weeks later,
people will praise you for your
poise and leadership forever,
even if you went straight
Uptown from Ground Zero
to pork a Romanian escort
behind the Times Square Forever 21.
Praise you forever?
You bet your flat ass!
It's all about showing these
suckers that you care.
You know what, Rudy?
I think I might just be
onto something here.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
And so, my fellow Americans,
we must all remember that the enemy
is not our hot, buff president
or his cool war,
but this horrible, stupid virus.
We must not let this war divide us.
You're either with us
or you're with the virus. Good night.
Way to go, Donald! For the
first time in eight months,
your name is trending
completely independently
from the phrase "prolapsed anus mouth"!
Yes! Take that, pervert mop bucket!
Oh, and, by the way, you've earned this.
Don't mind the oyster-cracker crumbs.
[TWINKLING]
I did it! I'm a blanket president.
[SWEEPING FANFARE PLAYS]
[NEWS INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]
Good evening, one and all,
and welcome to the premiere
of the Christopher Cuomo Prime Time
Serious Show As It Were.
Damn it, Tapper, you're good.
Our guest tonight is an elected official
from New York, as it were.
Good evening, Governor.
'Ey, little brother. Why so serious?
Heh. The Joker, 'ey?
Ahem! Governor Cuomo,
despite early praise,
some have called your response
to the coronavirus pandemic,
as it were, sorely lacking.
Care to respond?
Come on, Chrissy. What's the big idea?
I'll take that as a no, as it were.
Governor Cuomo, experts say
social distancing could
have saved thousands
if implemented even one week earlier.
Why did you resist early calls
for a statewide shelter-in-place order?
- As it were?
- I... I, uh...
At the risk of editorializing,
Mr. Cuomo,
you are an objectively evil murderer
unfit for public office,
and I am ashamed to
share your last name.
That's all the time
we have this evening.
Good night, America. As it were.
- Tapper!
- Can we go back to talkin'
about basketball?
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Good night, America.
Stay strong, support our
troops, and tune in tomorrow
to hear about my
patriotic new initiative
replacing the CDC chief
with the red-headed alcoholic
who killed Bin Laden.
- [CLICK]
- I could use a vacation.
Swim-up omelet bar, here I come!
Not so fast, Donald. Just because
you get to stop campaigning
doesn't mean you get to stop working!
You gotta stay put if you
want those re-elections.
But I wanna be first on the waterslide!
I'll be damned if I have to wait in line
behind a bunch of Gold Star widows!
Being a wartime president
is a full-time job!
It's not a normal nine-to-five,
like slumlording or
dressing-room supervision.
If someone snaps a photo of
you eating a dropped omelet
out of a pool filter,
there goes your new image.
You'll need to stick by that fireplace
until Election Day 2020...
and Election Day 2024...
and Election Day 2028...
- and Election Day 2032...
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] War is hell.
[MOTHER SCREAMING] Christopher!
Ma, Ma! Quit yellin' at me!
I'm disinvited to Sunday dinner?
But it's Sunday dinner!
What do you mean, after what
I did to my poor brother?
Ma, listen. The news
is thicker than blood!
No, that's not stupid.
Maybe you're stupid!
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Wait. Ma! Ma? I'm sorry!
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- _
[NARRATOR] Ah, yes.
Indubitably, as it were.
[SLIDE WHISTLES AND FLATULENCE]
[HANNITY] The brand-new
Trump National International
Air Force Base/Resort/Casino
was paid a visit
by a prominent mop bucket
who was among the first
to go down the base's
brand-new waterslide.
♪ ♪
- Knock. Knock.
- Nice try.
I know you did that with your mouth.
Well spotted, my boy.
I just wanted to say how impressed I am
with your, dare I say,
Tapper-esque lack of levity.
I have a little something
for you from the network.
Unless it's a plate of
my ma's Sunday ravioli,
I'm not interested.
This, my boy, is worth
one thousand raviolos.
It's my great honor to
award a fellow recipient
the CNN Excellence in Stoicism
and Newsmanship Medal!
[SARCASTICALLY] Oh, great. Joo-la-ree.
- What am I... a chick?
- What's gotten into you?
You're riffing and bopping like
a common stand-up comedian.
You ruined my life, you dumb stunad!
Whoa! No need for such
colorfully ethnic language,
normally a thing of beauty,
now employed at my expense.
Screw you, Jake Tapper!
I bet that wasn't even
what Vince News really looked like!
Vince News wasn't real...
- [GASPS]
- ... but merely a figment conjured
from my unstoppable
imagination to help you!
I now realize that was a mistake.
Good night and good luck, Christopher.
My hero, Vince News, not... real?
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I hope you're happy!
I'm hot, bored, and everything
smells like barbecue,
but there's no barbecue!
Anywhere! I checked!
You just gotta hang in there, Donald!
This isn't mapping out your
cousin's erogenous zones;
it doesn't happen
overnight in a hot tub.
You did this to me, Giuliani!
Because of your genius advice,
I'm stuck being a boring
wartime president forever!
But I guess that's
something a measly little
forever-mayor could never understand!
Hey, now! There's lotsa
stuff I don't understand...
how birds boink, how to
make any of the toilets
in my house work again...
but it'll work out,
the same way everything
worked out for me.
Ooh-ee! I can feel the
bedbugs on my left flank.
It feels like they're
appointing a queen!
I don't wanna hear it!
Y'know, sometimes I wonder
if you're even on my side at all. Aah!
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Good thing I got this pint of house red.
[FLAMES WHOOSH]
O, blanket, my blanket!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP WAILING]
[POMPEO] Bad news from the front, sir.
Our skirmishes overseas have
ballooned into full-on wars,
and the freshly drafted civilians
are getting their
behinds handed to them.
- Uh-huh.
- Also, that redheaded alcoholic
you put in charge of the CDC resigned
after claiming he took
the coronavirus out
with a headshot in 2011.
- 'Kay.
- I'm sorry to say it,
but the U.S. might be on track
to lose its first-ever war.
Several decades from now, of course.
I already lost my blanket.
Nothing can hurt me now.
[TAPPER] And now for a very
special spin-off edition
of "President Chump,"
I give you "Chris Bozo."
[TAPPER] Chris Bozo
was an unhappy monkey
who asked his great
friend Jake Zookeeper
to teach him how to stop eating bugs
and flinging excrement
at his zoo viewers.
But then the ungrateful Chris Bozo
insulted Jake Zookeeper's cartoons,
which, if they're good
enough for The Dartmouth,
are certainly good
enough for Chris Bozo.
And so Bozo went right
back to monkeying around,
with his monkey tail
- between his monkey legs.
- [WARBLE!]
Monkey see, monkey... don't?
That Chris Bozo guy
kinda reminds me of me.
Unnhhh.
Blanket! Want my... blanket!
- [FDR] Patience, my boy!
- Blanket?
Donald, you mustn't give up now!
You're almost halfway through
the beginning of the first act
of phase one of your wartime
presidency's early days!
But my war is losing, Mr. PBJ.
And I already lost my blanket.
A wartime presidency isn't like mapping
your cousin's erogenous zones;
it doesn't happen overnight
in a clawfoot bathtub.
You must keep fighting
the enemy just as I did,
until it claims your very life.
Haven't I done enough to fight the enemy
by ignoring it until it knocked
out me and half my staff?
And I couldn't have done it all
without the help of my beautiful
cousin-wife, Eleanor Roosevelt!
[SCREAMS] She's frumpy! She's frumpy!
I don't wanna be like PBJ!
Hunh. Enough!
A real wartime president
doesn't let a war be the boss of him.
_
Hi. E-Excuse me? Mr. Cuomo?
I was in the building for an
adult scavenger hunt and...
Geez, Mr. Cuomo, why the large face?
Fuhgeddaboudit. In fact,
fuhgeddaboud everything.
Well, I just wanted to,
uh, congratulate you
on the new show. Righteous business!
But I always did admire
the way you were so
"you" on your old show.
Guess I liked 'em both, huh?
I tried to get everyone's respect,
but I'm just a gullible goof
who fell for Mr. Tapper's
fake Vince News cartoon.
Whoa. Mr. Tapper drew a cartoon for you?
Righteous business.
For him to devote his
priceless imagination to you
in cartoon form,
he must really respect you.
No one respects me.
I shoulda never tried
to become a serious newsman.
Now I'm as caught in
the middle as the Hulk
before he gets buff but
after he gets green.
Aw, come on, Mr. Cuomo.
Newsmanship is a spectrum.
There's just as much room for serious,
highly revered newsmen
like Jake Tapper and myself
as there is for down-to-earth goofballs
like you and Lester Holt.
- Really?!
- Of course.
Well, see ya around.
Hey, kid! Catch.
- Wow! Thanks, Mr. Cuomo!
- No.
- Thank you.
- Wow.
Geez. This thing's pretty heavy.
[VEHICLE REVERSE-SIGNAL BEEPING]
[RUMBLING]
What the hell are you doing, Donald?!
Something I should've
done a long time ago.
You had it all wrong. PBJ
and I are nothing alike.
I don't need to play by
his rules or his war.
I can be a wartime president
in my own way. Idiot!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
Today I've bravely decided
to declare victory against coronavirus.
It's time to bring our
troops home to America,
where they belong,
waiting 12 years for the VA
to approve their trauma counseling.
Finally, in remembrance
of the heroism of me
and sacrifice we all endured,
I hereby designate my blanket,
horrifically maimed
in the flames of war,
to be displayed in the Smithsonian
in a place of supreme honor
next to Archie Bunker's chair.
I'll either do that or
drop nuclear bombs
on all the coronavirus
hot zones in America.
- Blanket one!
- Yeah! Do the blanket thing!
[MAN] I'm thinkin' blanket!
[DRAMATIC CHORD STRIKES]
I'm Jake Tapper, and
every man is an island.
We may drift close to one another,
but never truly touch.
- Today's top story...
- 'Scuse me, 'scuse me!
Well if it isn't the rude Mr. Cuomo,
trespassing on my very show.
Excuse me, Mr. Tapper, but my top story
is I have somethin' to show you.
One day, the stupid monkey Chris Bozo
lost sight of what's important
and lost his Sunday dinner
and his family along the way.
He even lost his friend Mr. Tapper,
who was only trying to help him out.
Monkey see, monkey...
I'm sorry, Mr. Tapper.
- That drawing was really bad.
- Ya mean it?
Apology accepted, Christopher.
If I may, I'd like to shake your hand.
Euohh! Hands off the merchandise!
And now without further ado,
unless anyone wants to hear
my Chechen massage-parlor story again...
the man whose bravery and leadership
inspired this very Trump Monument,
President Donald Trump!
- [APPLAUSE]
- When I first declared this war,
I thought I needed a big foreign enemy
in order to be a wartime president.
But the real war was
inside me all along.
You see, a Trump war isn't
fought with sweeping invasions,
but with individual drone strikes
of hatred and personal cruelty.
I'll always be a wartime president
because I will always
have an enemy in those
who try to drag me down,
whether it's my cabinet,
my advisors, my immune system,
that mop bucket,
or even stupid President PBJ
and his butt-ugly wife.
And so I vow that a war like this one
will never happen again...
unless I feel like it.
I still kind of want to
drop an atomic bomb.
Anyway!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHRIS] Euohh! Watch it, will ya!
You're gettin' sauce on my Hugo Boss!
Lighten up, little brother!
Indeed, Christopher! Lighten! Lighten!
Welcome back, folks,
to the Christopher Cuomo
Prime Time Serious Show As It Were
Ayy Just Kiddin' Get Over Here, Kid."
Tonight we're talkin' Trump's
whole coronavirus deal.
You believe this guy? Va fongool!
- 'Ey! Va fongool!
- Disappointing to say the least!
This sauce is fantastic!
[ANDREW MOCKING TAPPER]
"This sauce is fantastic!"
Oh-ho! You got him, big brother!
I love you guys.
- [ANDREW] Love you, too.
- [TAPPER] And I love you, as well.
- ['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
- ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Trump!