Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - The Reverse Midas Touch - full transcript

Taystee tries to keep the negotiations on track. Angie comes up with an idea for fixing Leanne's finger. Piscatella's past is revealed.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
White flight!

Should we trip her?

Nah. Let it play out.

- What will be will be.
- So Zen.


Fuck! I'm really off of my game today.

Anyone know if Mercury's in retrograde?

I ain't buyin' the whole
Counterfeit Cunt story.

Don't smell right to me.

Hands are too clean for
a forger. She'd be inky.

Or maybe she's just such a good forger,

she went ahead and forged herself.


How's she so fast?

Adrenaline and lies.

Yeah, you fully hiding, ain't you?

Fuckin' thermometer planet.

Come on! One more round.

I ain't playing with you
no more. "Gyno" is a word.

It's an abbreviation of a word.

It's not a word in and of itself.

Scrabble rules.

No capitalized words,
foreign words, abbreviations,

or words requiring
apostrophes or hyphens.

But this ain't Scrabble.

And what the fuck is X-Y-S-T?

It's an ancient Greek
or Roman covered portico.

- Sounds foreign to me.
- It's an architectural term.

Fine. Forgive me for trying.

I'm getting a migraine.

I'm too baked to focus.

Well, lucky you.

Better bored down here
than up there in The Purge.

So you say.

For all we know, it's a party up there.

Then go.

Nah. It's probably The Purge.

Congratulations, Red.

You got me.

Oh, did Mommy not tell
you about her secret plan?

What was it again, comrade?

You were gonna catfish
me into a mousetrap,

and then what?

Stab me to death with
your sharp Russian wit?

You want to talk about half-baked plans?

You've captured six women in a closet.

Such a big strong man.

But what about all those other
little chickens out there, huh?

Ready to pluck your feathers
and rip off your balls?

There are 20 women
guarding the hostages.

Three hundred more are
strolling around the hallways,

hungry and bored,
looking for some action.

What exactly...

were you thinking you'd do?

You think I'm here to
rescue the hostages?

I've taught my guards
to fend for themselves.

I'm here for you, Reznikov.

And I like an audience when I work,

so I've invited your
family here to watch.

Abominable snow-fuck!

Girls, listen to me. Stay
calm. I'll take care of this.

Come on. Look, you're not a psycho.

So why don't you just go out
there and rescue your people

like a big, hairless hero,

and then just leave
us to lick our wounds.

Well, first...

I'm going to inflict some...

... junkie.

And then you can lick away.

Go ahead,

make all the noise you want.
No one's gonna hear you.


Eleven o'clock is lights-out.

We do one last bunk check
before shutting things down.

- What about reading lights?
- Not allowed.

Half these animals
are illiterate anyway.

Okay. And should I make sure
the inmates are in their beds?

Just check the doors.

The prison's old, and
they get stuck sometimes.

You take D block.

- I'll do B.
- Yes, sir.

I ain't going nowhere.

Oh, shit!

Out of bounds, inmate. That's a shot.

Don't worry. No one saw.

What's your name, inmate?

Wes Driscoll.

- Fool.
- What was that?

Four, down, "Fool."

Insubordination. That's another shot.

No, your crossword puzzle.

"Falstaff, Puck, or Bottom."



It's from A Midsummer Night's Dream.

I didn't know it either,
but I... I looked it up.

It feels like it's there,
but then it's not there.

My grandpa lost part of
his right leg in Vietnam,

and he totally felt like
it was still there, too.

But it wasn't a problem.

Except for when he
tried to kick my grandma.

But after a while, she'd
just fake like he got her

so that she wouldn't hurt his feelings.

Barbecue chip!

It's just a bloody piece of human
flesh with a little nail on it.

Oh, my God.

It's your fingertip!

- That's my finger!
- Ah!

Underfunded, understaffed...

borderline criminal.

And worst of all,

part of a cynical ploy to
jam hundreds more inmates

into this crumbling turd of a campus,

so that MCC can scam even
more taxpayer dollars.


They never had any intention

of giving these women
actual life skills...

or just paying them,
paying them for their labor.

Uh-huh. That's right,
Mr. C. You tell her.

Look, Joe. You can jab your
long finger all over the place.

At MCC, at me...

but let's be honest,

shouldn't you also be
pointing it at yourself?

Oh, fucking spare me, Natalie.

You know a thing or two
about how this prison

became a fucking cesspit
of corruption, don't you?

From the bad plumbing
to the faulty wiring,

to the poor employee vetting standard,

the nonexistent staff training program,

and... and, and, and, and...

The ass-tasting food.

Doctors who can't tell a pussy
from a hole in the ground.

Us having to dig holes in the ground.

White COs walkin' 'round
like it's Animal Farm

and they the pigs. You tell her that.

Inedible food. Subpar health care.

- Mmm.
- Manual labor.

- Racial profiling.
- Mmm-hmm.

Indiscriminate punishment.

And guards that sit
around jerking off all day.

Guards that sit around j...

Not doing their jobs.

And their security protocol... so lax

that a CO managed to waltz
in here with a loaded firearm.

And who's ultimately responsible
for all prison operations,

including, but not limited to,

inmate safety, work
and recreation programs,

guard training, and so forth?

The warden.

And who's that, Joe?

Who's the man?

Come on, Mr. C.

You got this.

Ain't that right...

Man, where the fuck did everyone go?

It's the middle of the night.

Even rioters need to sleep sometimes.

Pee. Now I'm free, free to pee.

Ghosts are not real.

Ghosts are not real!
And clowns can't help it!

They're just doing their job!

My face is wrong.

My face...

is under...

the wrong.

Love the face God gave you, Suzanne.

Black is beautiful.

From your hair to your
derriere, your nose to your toes.

You make all the colors...


Wash your face, or you'll get acne.

Don't pick the acne,
or you'll get scars!

Your skin is beautiful.


walnut wood...

and soil.


western coneflowers.

And... old metal.

And dark maple syrup in brown jars.

But wear a hat, or else
your skin will get darker.

And always, always moisturize!


I need to moisturize.

It's very important.

Maureen, do you have moisturizer?


Oh, no good.

No good.

But don't worry.

Your face is under there.


And it's beautiful.

I know you don't see it right
now, but you will one day.

It feels hot.

I think it's time to ask for help,

'cause sometimes you need help

and it's okay to ask.

All I need is a poultice of bergamot

and camphor and the muddled
eyelash of a virgin...

No. No. Medical.

We are going to Medical.

The grown-ups have to help us now.

You're the hardest-working
pair of bitches

ever step foot in this
prison, you know that?

Thirty-two hour shift? No breaks?

I'm impressed.

We took a break for that
Pennsatucky trial thing.

And the coffee shop, but that was work.

Entertaining is work.

Latina Fey over here.

Nah, man.

She only do that one dumbass Alaska
lady with the fucked-up-ass kids.

Yeah, I got more range than
that. I'm like Kate McKinnon.

Kate Dominican-on.

Yo, you better than that. What the fuck?

Did that coffee shop even happen?

Seemed forever ago.

You don't even remember what's,
uh, real or fake anymore.

You both need a break.

Nah, we stayin' right here.

Not takin' our eyes off of them
till negotiation's all wrapped up.

Mmm. Now Daya turned herself in...

should be any day now.

All right, listen, though.

Come on, for real.

If this is gonna go on for a few more
days, you girls got to get some rest.

The human body...

um, starts shutting down after 31
hours without sleep, did you know that?

No way. Like what?

When was the last time you took a piss?


Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the
kidneys shuttin' down. Shit.


Uh, well, maybe a quick power nap?

Go. I got it covered.

Go get some sleep.

Maybe somewhere else. You
know, in one of the rooms.

Privacy. Shut out the noise, the lights.

Huh? They got double
mattresses in there.


All right. Only for a
little, though, all right?

You know, so we can come back fresh.

Of course. Sweet dreams, right?


Try to pee.

Enough cayenne here to
survive an apocalypse or two.

Keeps cats away if you
sprinkle it on the ground.

You know something we don't?
Are the Martians comin'?

Ladies, please, back off my shit!

Everything has a place.

I mean, it's good to be
prepared for anything,

but this is, like,
Hitler-level preparation.

- No offense.
- None taken.

The man was prepared.

Who's Bone?

Stop mucking around.

Bone a big fella?

Bone is short for Skin and Bones.

He was a kid who volunteered
here back in the '70s.

He ran the swim fitness program.

But then they drained the
pool, and that was that.

How come he sent you a postcard

from Guatemala in '82?

Why did he sign it, "Love"?


Who wants to go spelunking?

Is this dynamite?

I wouldn't mind a roll
in the hay with this one.

Okay! Enough!

Everybody, sit down!

No more touching what
ain't yours to touch.

Bunch of careless stoners!

You are guests in my home!

Don't make me trigger the booby traps.

You're pathetic. You know that?

What happened to you that
you're like this, Piscatella?


What? Were you, uh, a pet-killing
scourge of the cul-de-sac?

Or was it more of a Drama of
the Gifted Child situation?


Did Papa Piscatella rage on you
for being "Little Desi the queer"?

Watch closely, Nichols,

'cause you're gonna be
contestant number two.

Come on, man.

I genuinely would love to understand

how it is that a man
gets to be this fucked up!

Come on!

What's the original narcissistic wound?

Nicky, stop. He doesn't speak human.

Now that is right, Stalina.

Because I discovered a long time ago

that actions speak a whole
lot louder than words.

Inmates will always try to cheat,

manipulate or deceive you.

There must be consequences.

Stop it!

Fucking stop it!

The fuck is wrong with you?

Did you guys hear something?

Riots are noisy.

Stop it.

No. Go right ahead.

Do whatever you want, but let them go.

You don't really want witnesses.

Oh, but, see, that's the whole point.

I want everyone as a witness...

... when I tear off that mama bear
costume you strut around in so proud.

What are you doing?

I'm showing your family
who you really are.


You're a vain...



frail old jailbird.

You can dye your hair,
paint your face...

but it doesn't change
the truth underneath.

Here's your fearless leader, inmates.



Look long and hard at what
prison does to a person!

I swear, I'll kill you!

Oye, Rosado...

Look at this fuck.

Light in his loafers, this one.

Get the fuck out of here, man.

Goliath ain't light in nothin'.

I'm telling you, he a
fuckin' fruit cocktail.

Well, faggot or no...

It's time he learn who
really runs shit 'round here.

Excuse me.

Listen up, inmates!

Work detail's cut short today
because there's a health inspection,

so you'll return to your
cells at the top of the hour.

And, no, you will not be
paid for the lost time.

Quit the bitching, please.

Try to remember, you are federal
inmates, not line cooks at Applebee's.

Now there's a new shipment of
produce out on the loading dock

that is not gonna move itself.

Rosado, Hernandez,

bring the boxes back in,
and you're done for the day.

CO Samuelson will escort
you back to your block.

You guys should go along,
too. There's a lot to carry.

All hands on deck.

As they say.


What is this swill?


What the fuck did you just say to me?

Sorry, sir.

It's, uh, beef stew.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

All right. All right now.

You can cut it out, Mean Daddy.

Did I sell it? I felt like
I was really selling it.

Yeah. I mean, you're
a regular Bruce Willis.

Hey, what'd you get on 18 across today?

"Dancer's leader."

I got "blank, blank, N, T, blank."

I got "S, A, blank..."


- "Dancer," like the reindeer!
- Nice.


Something wrong? You seem down.

It's stupid.

Nothing that matters to you is stupid.

All right, it's not a big deal.

Rosado and his merry band of
bitches swiped my radio yesterday.

I'll kill them.

No, seriously, should I kill them?

- No. Come on.
- I'll kill them.

I will kill them for you.

I brought you something.

- What?
- Yeah.

What, Christmas is coming
early this year, huh?

It's just a little stocking stuffer.

It's, uh...

some chocolate for my chocolate.

It's always candy with you, huh?

"My caramel swirl." "My mocha chip."

No. No, I wasn't...


I love it.

And for the record, I think
your sweet tooth is cute.

You my sugar daddy, huh?


When I was a kid,

I used to steal Toblerone
triangles from my mom's PMS stash...

And, this one time, she caught me

and she made me eat a whole
jumbo bar as punishment.

Did you puke?

No, I ate the whole thing,
and I asked her for another.

- Insatiable appetite, huh?
- Yeah.

I think that's when she
gave up trying to fix me.

Thank God she did, huh?

Look, you're perfect like God made you.

- You hear me?
- Really?

I hate this.

Having to hide. Having to be apart.

Uh, let me show you something.

- What?
- So that you're with me, always.


Even if we're apart.

And I told O'Brien to
use a brand-new needle

and a fresh tin of boot wax, okay?

- So... Yeah.
- Good. Yeah.

I also told him it meant
"double penetration," so that...

he wouldn't think of nothing but
the dirty picture in his mind, right?


Yeah, clean this... clean this up!

Jesus, inmate! Try not to make
such a fucking mess next time!

Yes, sir.

Right there is good, Rosado.

Right there!

Is there a doctor in the house?

We got to reattach a severed appendix!


- Oh! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
- What's wrong?

- It's an emergency.
- Wait.

He is way too buff to be a doctor.

He's like one of those TV types

who knows, like, all
that medical mumbo jumbo,

but can't find his
ass with his two hands.

Quick. Can you sew this back on?

It's been detached too long.

The tissue sustained too much damage.

Also, it's covered in Cheetos dust.

And I'm a prison nurse,
not a plastic surgeon.

And I've barely slept in days.

And I only took this job to earn
enough to buy my own paraglider

and a one-way ticket to Denali.

And now, I don't even know if
I'm gonna get out of here alive.

So there's no hope?

But what about a finger
transplant, Doctor Samosa?


Who would be my organ donor?

- One of the skinheads maybe?
- Yeah.

But you got to make sure you
know what she's in for first.

'Cause you don't want
to go around, like,

murdering people with
your murdery fingertip.

Pick, um, a meth cooker.

Oh! Or the forger lady!

Like, someone with a useful skill.

Well, what about Gandhi over there?

- I'll have the healing touch.
- Too brown.

But a man's finger could be nice.

I got an idea.

Come on.

Oh, no.

You're comin' with us.

♪ So kiss a little longer ♪

♪ Hold tight a little longer ♪

♪ Make it last a little longer ♪

♪ Longer with Big Red! ♪

♪ 'Cause that Big Red freshness ♪

♪ Lasts right through it ♪

♪ Your fresh breath goes on and on ♪

♪ While you chew it ♪

♪ Say goodbye a little longer ♪

♪ Make it last a little longer ♪

♪ Give your breath
Long-lasting freshness... ♪

♪ With Big Red ♪

- Hi.
- Hi.


I don't know you, but
whatever's going on over there,

it sounds rough, and, um...

I hope you're okay.

Thank you.

I was only trying to help.

Now it doesn't matter what
I do, you know, no matter...

how hard I try to prove, or whatever...

You know, no one's gonna see
me any different. Feels like...

life's just fucking weird, you know?


Just once we start down
these... these paths,

it's really hard to
get off of it. You know?

Yeah, I, uh...


You need to look at this
from a broader perspective.

There is only so much
taxpayer money available.

You want to tell the kids at PS whatever

that their music program's been canceled

because a bunch of inmates need to
cage their rage with arts and crafts?

This is not about resource allocation,

it's about priorities.

Is the goal to rehabilitate these women,

or line the pockets
of MCC's shareholders?

Who gives a shit about MCC?

You are arguing with the wrong bogeyman.

I represent the governor,
and his priority...

is that we end this ASAP.

Well, it's my priority to make
sure we do right by these women.

And why do you think I'm here, Joe?

To have a threesome with you and
that lunatic who ran in here before?

I gave years of my life to this place.

I know I took my share,

but maybe that's why I'm here,

pulling an all-nighter in
this raging dumpster fire,

trying to resolve this peacefully.

So come on.

Meet me halfway.

You're not going to reinvent
the prison-industrial complex

in your shit-stained boxers.

The system is broken.

And how'd it get to be that way, huh?

You think a toothy middle manager

with holes in her pocket had
something to do with that?

Well, a petty bureaucrat
who needs constant stroking

didn't exactly move it along.

Well, at least I tried, Natalie.

- If you hadn't come before me...
- Once.

- And even then, it was a photo finish.
- Nice.

Real nice.

You woke us up for this shit?

This is a disaster.

Yeah, this is not a healthy
relationship right here.

I think it's kinda hot, actually.

So... angry and sweaty.

Like they wanna fuck
each other to death.

We ain't never gonna get
to Bayley with this shit.

Not a single new demand has even been
agreed on since they started scrappin'.

Man, I keep tellin' you, T,
white people mess up everything.

Mmm-hmm. Twerking, cornrows, Africa...

the White House.

She got a point.

Face it, Joe. You fucked this up.

And I don't think it's the first
time you've heard that, is it?

It's kind of like you have
the reverse Midas touch.

Everything you put your
hands on turns to shit.


Now, what's that make you, sweetheart?

Yo, what the fuck is goin' on?

Y'all supposed to be negotiatin'.

I don't know what kinda
pervy pillow talk this is,

but cut it the fuck out!

We got important
business to take care of,

and it's two o'clock in the
goddamn morning, so sit down!

Coming up in this hour...

date night with the
newly-exonerated "Cannibal Cop,"

an update from the standoff
at Litchfield Penitentiary,

and a sneak peek at the
surprising accessory "It Girls"

will be carrying next
month at Fashion Week.

Turn that shit off, man.
It's making my eyes bleed.

Well, ain't you
perfectly prepared, then.

Look, let me help you.

It's dogs.

The new accessory is dogs.

How you know that?

'Cause crazy bitches are
always looking for ways

to carry their fucking
dogs around with them.

My sister keeps her pet Chihuahua,
Hannibal, in her shirt pocket.

I can't get enough of
this 24 hour news, man.

They never stop talking, even when
there's nothing left to talk about.

It's like...

I don't gotta think about my
own life, long as I'm doing this.

Like, I'm addicted.

Sounds like blanco.

More like that fake shit, Methadose.

All the hook, none of the high.

I guess that's why they call
it an opiate for the masochists.

Yo, turn that shit up.
They're talking about us now.

- Come on.
- These things never end well.

When it comes to casualties,
it isn't a question of "if,"

it's a question of "how many."

Attica had 43.

New Mexico, 33 plus another 100 injured.

And then there was Huntsville, 1974.

That was one of the longest
prison standoffs in history.

As the inmates grew weary, three
hostages managed to get free.

One had a heart attack and was let out.

Another faked a heart attack.

The third made a run for
it through the glass doors.

That one culminated in an escape attempt

that the press dubbed the "Trojan Taco."

Man, fuck my kidneys.

We can't let those bitches
make off in no condom taco.

Yo, you coming?

Nah, I wanna hear more
about this Cannibal Cop.

Well, of course, it
was a suicide mission.

All of the inmates ended up dead,
either by killing themselves,

in the ensuing gunfire, or
later, through the death penalty.

I suppose that's the
big takeaway from this,

that the inmates guarding the
hostages almost never survive.

Tough stuff.

Up next, is that a
poochie in your Gucci?

What did you think would happen, Red?

You'd get out of here someday?

Pick up where you left off
with your little mafia friends?

Be honest.

Is there anything
even out there for you?

What are you doing?

How did you get that off?

I'm good with my tongue.


That really sounded like a cry for help.

Wonder where Red is.

She could make a real feast
out of what you've got here.

Oh, I'd love a hot meal.

I sent her an invitation,

but apparently she had
something better to do.

She probably has half the
prison under her command. Here.

How about some toasted Fruit Brute?


I think we should investigate.

I thought we were staying out of this.

I definitely think
we should investigate.

Me three.

Some people.

They can't appreciate a
good thing until it's gone.

You're right.

They'll never survive up
there without us. Come on.

Help! Help! Help!

I can't think.

- Help!
- You shut... shut your mouth.

High-pitched sound.

Fucking irritating.


- Those stairs are a doozy.
- I will teach you.

- Okay. Shut up!
- Shh.

It's going to be okay.

Nice Indian man?

You should be sleeping, probably.

Sleeping is very healing.

Yeah. And when you wake
up, you'll be feeling better

and they'll bring you soup and pills.

Let's do the "Goodnight" book.


Yeah, okay. Okay.

Good night, room.

Good night, moon.

Good night, spoon.

Good night, mean and good night, nice.

Good night, human pinky toe mice.

Good day, hospital bed!

Good morning, woozy-oozy head.

- Ah.
- Oh.

Good... What time is it?

Good or bad white girls in the yard.

There's a dead or dying guard.

- Wait. Wait.
- Good night.

Dead guard?

Yeah. Over in the next bed.

I have excellent peripheral vision.

Like, I'm looking at you right now,
but out of the corner of my eye,

I can see him being very not alive.

He's not breathing.


No more being dead!

Oh, sh...

I need to find an undoer.

Oh, God. I need to
find an eraser. Oh! Oh!

- I saw this in a movie one time.
- Suzanne.

Come on. Come on.

I'm gonna take him to see the Wizard.

Or a witch.

Or a doctor.

Or a witch doctor.

- Oh, where are all the grown-ups?
- Suzanne, wait.


Hey, don't touch it! Anthrax!

This is a women's prison.

It's more likely to have a
kid's Christmas list on it

than a biological weapon.


"Hot Cheetos. Beyoncé.
Yearly gyno visits."

That's one advanced kid.

Turn it over.

"Don't try anything, or we all die."

Let's fuckin' get her.

Make it count this time.

I swear to God, if one more of these
bitches tries to fuck me, I'm...

- Nobody wants to fuck you, asshole.
- All right, back off, boys.

Yeah, simmer down, Anthrax.

I'm gonna help you, okay?
Follow me. Come on, hurry up.

Yo, what the fuck is this?

They needed a piss break.

And I couldn't say no. One of
them already peed on themself.

Fuck no! Back in the bubble, bitches.

- I gotta pee. I gotta pee.
- I don't care.

You too lax, Mama.

Your kids must run all over you.

I thought you guys
were gonna sleep, huh?

Nah, man. The TV told us that
now is when we gotta step it up,

so now we gonna watch 'em extra close

from here on out, till
this thing is done.

So they don't sneak out in no
lambskin enchilada or nothin'.

You can stay with us if you want.

But you really gotta toughen up.


Funny thing is, is I used to love
small spaces when I was a little girl.

You know, I was the kind of kid that...

I liked the box that
fell off of the truck,

and not, like, the car parts
inside or the dolls and the toys.

Like, I wanted the box.

My eighth birthday, I think, I spent
in the trunk of my uncle's Subaru.

I was playing cave girl,
and I was so happy in there.

I mean, I could have
stayed in there forever

if he hadn't tried to cross state
lines with a warrant out on him.

Yeah, I used to, um...

hide on the top shelf of the
linen closet when I was a kid.

Used to make me feel safe.

Do you ever wonder...

how things that used to
feel so good now feel so bad?

I do.

I mean, it's like, this is prison, yes.

Shitty diarrhea food,
nothin' to do but sit...

sit around and fucking wait, but...

like, I used to be
able to get through it.

But now I can't really even
get myself up and out of bed.

It's, like, there's, like, less
air in here to breathe or something.

And... and it used to, before,

you could... you could find somebody
to talk to if you wanted, you know?

Or... or cookie's up
their sleeve, and...

Now it's, "Fuck you, inmate.

I'mma fuckin' ruin your
life just because I can."

It's like human niceness
has just gone renegade,

and I don't think it's
coming back anytime soon.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, me too.

'Cause the sad truth
of it is, is that...

everybody in here is gonna be way worse

than how they were when they started.



You are absolutely right.


maybe... maybe we can help each
other get out of here, you know?

The fence?

I wonder if the backhoe works.

Hey, come on. We have to try, right?

We can do this, like a... like a team,

and we could even have a special
handshake or something, right?


You were the backhoe, bitch.

Stealing my friend behind my back, ho?

You know, Boo was my best friend, right?


You know, women gotta start
being nicer to one another.

Ow. Ow.

Ooh, what about her?

Ugh! No, shallow nail beds.

Hey, Red Light Special,
where you hiding?

Ladies! Hey, I'm over here.

Oh, thank you, ladies.


Hey, yeah, great to see you.

Uh, so listen, we need your help,

because Leanne's finger was very rudely
shot off by your colleague with the gun.

That's the... Humps?

- Donuts.
- Ah! Angie! God!

Oh, shit. Sorry. I forgot.

Uh, this is Doctor McCurry.

He's going to cut off your
finger and put it on Leanne.

- What?
- I'm ready for the transplant, Doctor.

No, I'm... I'm not okay with this.

Neither am I.

Why do you even want his finger anyway?

So she can finger herself
with his finger forever.

- Shut up.
- Obviously.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Uh, you...

you gotta know if it works, right?

So why don't you take it for
a test-drive before you commit?


Okay, Apu. Into the poo.

Don't go anywhere, okay?

Um... here's A.

I don't know. It feels sort of numb.


Angie, I'm not sure if it's working.

What do you mean, you're not sure?

Haven't you ever...

Oh, my God! You've never...

Maybe I have. I don't know.

One time I peed a little,
so I thought maybe...

If you had, you'd know.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Go back! Go back! What
was that? What was that?

It was W.

- Do it again.
- All right.

Do it again. Yes.

- Yeah.
- W! W! W!

- Help!
- Hey, you really get off on this,

don't you, you sick fuck?

Red, you're beautiful. Hair grows back.

Someone tell his face.


Thank you, asshole.

I guess not all lesbians are
good with their tongue, huh?

You're a real martyr,
aren't you, Reznikov?


Oh, don't be dramatic.
I'm not gonna kill you.

I simply want your family to
see you for who you really are.

To see the full Galina.

A woman's face can hide weakness.

But their bodies can't.


Girls, look away.

Yeah, big fucking man,
beating up on an old lady.

You dirty cunt!

No! Stop it!

Oh, I've had enough of
this insubordination!

You are federal inmates, not
the queen of the fucking Nile.

Now tell me what you are,
so I know you understand.

You tell me!


Last chance.

I hope that someone treats you
the way that you are treating us,

when you get locked up for
assault, you piece of shit!

Right. Nice fantasy, January Jones.

In a day or two...

... or whenever this is over,

it's gonna be my word against a bunch
of criminals rotting away in Max.

Who do you think they're gonna believe?

I'll shove my dick back in
that boca sucia qué tienes

if you make a fucking sound...

- Hey!
- Shut the fuck...

We was just wrestling.

You want a turn?

I mean, we loosened him up real good.

Everybody knows that puto
loves to fuck for cash

or whatever you got laying around.

I will destroy you.

Either one of you comes towards
me, I will skin you alive.

Ten-two in D block six, barbershop.

Ten-eighteen, ten-twenty,
and we need a medic.

I repeat, we need a
medic in D block six.

CO Samuelson, roger that.

CO Berk, roger 10-18.

- Is he breathing?
- Yes.

What are you doing?

Tossing the room. Standard after a 10-2.

You hiding H in here, pretty boy?

You're gonna live to regret it
if you're lying to me right now.

You hear that? You're gonna live!

I think we can all agree

that y'all are the ones who
made a mess of this place.

But can we please get back to
talking about how to fix it?

I don't wanna hear no more
about how he done shit premature

or how she like to take
a bite out of crime.

And no more bullshit about bending
over and taking it up the ass

or any other sick business

that MCC might have made
y'all do for some reason.

You're absolutely right, Jefferson.

- If I could just...
- You could just listen...

is what you could just.

It's time to talk about Bayley.

I think it's time we talk
about the guard that Diaz shot.

She shot the guy with his own gun

that he brought in here
and started waving around.

I'm sorry, but guns don't shoot
people. People shoot people.

And in this case, it's one of
your people who did the shooting.

Are you negotiating for the
governor, or for the NRA?

Because we settled all of that.

And Diaz is gone.

Well, how do I even know if
this guard is still alive?

You got my word for it is how.

And we know the inmate Bayley
killed is for sure dead.

Well, I would like to see this
Humphrey before we press on any further.

Not that I don't trust your word.

Do you trust mine?

I've seen him, Natalie.


Yeah, he was in some
discomfort, but he's stable.

Thank you.

Okay, then.


should we look at demand number ten,

the inmates' desire for
more nutritious food?

I am afraid the costs associated with...

Hey, don't go sinking your big teeth

back into the budget
bullshit, Ms. Figueroa.

And stop yawning! We got work to do.

Now listen, I got
reports right here, okay?

All science and shit.

They say, "Giving inmates a balanced
diet with fresh fruit and vegetables

reduces the cost of health
care by 30% on an annual basis."

Those savings should be more than enough
to cover the cost of a GED program.


Goodbye, mop that looks like Mommy.
Goodbye, slop that fills my tummy.

Goodbye, Poussey... Taystee?

Red balloon. Over the moon.

Breath. Death. Taystee!

Grace? Graystee?

Aw, no, no, no! What
the fuck is goin' on?

- The issue is he is not breathing.
- What?

And the body needs oxygen, or else
the cells curl up like old leaves.

But don't jump in the leaves,

because the pile might have
ticks and spiders in them.

Okay. What happened to you, Suzanne?

- I need help!
- Okay.

Then we got to get his
cells to iron out, because...

But you cannot touch the iron, because
it's going to burn your fingers.

You have to throw your
spit at it and listen!

Just the sound of the sizzle.


What are you seeing, eye-lookers?


Look, Taystee needs to see this.

- She needs to!
- No, no, no, no.

- Taystee busy right now, all right?
- Yeah. I, uh... think he's okay.

Look, he even smilin'. Wait...

I think I hear him breathin' again.
He just needed some air, right?

- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no.

- Nice job, Suzanne.
- Yeah.

Okay. Just... Here, let me... let me...

Okay. Let's just U-turn
this and go to Medical, okay?

Do a three-point turn, maybe, all right?

Hey, look. Here we go!

We're going on a trip to Medical.

We're going to Medical.
We're going to Medical.

You fucking sicko psycho.

She needs medical attention.

Piper, shut up.

Don't provoke an angry
bear. Or any fuckin' bear.

Either way you get mauled.

Haven't you done enough?

Just about.

What else do you want?

You've put an old lady in her place.

My own daughters can't look at
me without pity in their eyes.

You win.

Are you happy now?

Yes... I am.

It's like they taught me at
Jesus camp for little homos.

"The righteous will rejoice
when he sees vengeance.

He will bathe his feet in
the blood of the wicked."

Oh, I bet your feet are disgusting.

You see, this is the thing
about female prisoners.

Men understand violence.
They respect it. They're dogs.

If you beat them, they
obey you. Not women.

Women don't fear pain the way men do.

They have to be broken in other ways.

But make no mistake...

they have to be broken.

Many inmates have tried to make
a fool of me over the years.

None have succeeded. And none ever will.

Oh, shit!

What, you gonna fuck me?

Or you want me to fuck you?

Yeah, we all know that's how
you like it, you dinge queen.

You a fucking bucking bronco,
ain't you, you motherfucker?

Kiss my fucking ass, bitch!

Fuck you!

This is what you do to
get off, Tweety Bird?

By watching me sweat?

Fucker! Fucker! Fucker!

Oh, God!

No! No!

I think that's probably enough.

Come on, Desi. We take 'em
out when they start screaming.

I don't hear anything, do you?

He saw me.

I know you're down here, inmate.

Oh, please, make this hard for me.

It'll give me the pleasure
of wrecking you later.

Oh, you're gonna have to
do better than a pushpin.


Ah, how do you like that, Fruit Brute?

I will skin you alive.


Nah. Some old devil's breath
Bone sent me back in the '80s.


We shared a love of botany, me and Bone.

And some other things.

But that's none of anyone's business.