Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Imaginary Enemies - full transcript
Piper gets to know her stern new roommate. The inmates prepare for a farewell party.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
And now what? You wipe it up,
but that does not disinfect.
How are you going to disinfect?
(WHISPERING) I don't know. I've never
cleaned up another person's pee before.
Quite a privileged life you've led!
Yeah, well, now... Now I'm here.
I have to be up in three hours.
I ought to knock you into Tuesday
for bringing that baggage to my house!
Like I asked for this? I don't want this.
I don't know what to do.
About what? You clean the piss!
The piss, the stalker, your anger,
my cluelessness, disinfectant.
There is another person's pee on me,
and I'm not allowed to use
the bathroom until the morning.
I have to sleep with stranger pee on me.
Oh, Coo-coo. It's hard for you.
Little girl lost.
(BAPTISTE SPEAKING
IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)
TESSA: Dee! Where's Dee?
Get over here, child.
Dee, take off that uniform, put an iron to it,
and if you're not ready to go in five minutes,
I'm sending you back on the next boat! Go!
Baptiste, close the door,
you're letting all the heat out.
Get in here.
Who's this one?
This is Claudette.
Look at this skinny cat.
Open your mouth.
How are your teeth, skinny cat?
(SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)
This is your home now.
And you will only speak English here.
Understand? Let me hear.
Yes, understanding.
Mmm.
Go in the back and get changed.
Uniforms are on the shelf in the hall.
Go on! There's work to do.
Work?
Yes. You'll be working for me
until you pay off your parents' debt.
Now get in the back
and change your clothes.
How about we feed the cat, Ti Tessa?
Give her a moment to breathe. It's all new.
It's all new! Ah!
You got your money, Baptiste.
Why are you still here?
No one makes manje kreyòl like you.
You cook like home.
Bah!
Go in the kitchen, both of you.
(SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)
I got mad respect for you, OG.
You know, mad props.
Um, can I ask you something?
I don't know, can you?
Yeah. It's just that
my girl, Mercy, is getting out,
and I was thinking maybe you could
make that cake that you do.
Like, the one you made at Easter.
That shit was the bomb.
I made it to celebrate
the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Well, Mercy be resurrecting
up out of here, right?
Don't you think that deserve cake?
Are you saying your Mercy is
like the good Lord, Jesus?
Did your Mercy die for our sins?
I don't think so.
She's my boo.
I'm tired and not in the mood. Go away now.
My friends went a little overboard.
When I first got here,
my friends sent me all kind of shit, too.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Oh.
You got anything sexy in there?
Um, I might have some Nicholson Baker.
- Who?
- You need to leave.
Take some books with you.
Educate yourself.
Not that it helped this one.
So, what you want?
You want some of this, huh?
You like this?
I can make you feel good.
That's how much I love my girl.
I'm struck by your devotion.
And sick to my stomach, too. Get out!
I'm gonna find something you want, OG.
You keep thinking, I'll keep thinking.
Out!
Children.
I got a new job assignment.
I don't like mess.
I'm sorry. I'll organize them.
Book mess, piss mess.
I know.
You take care of it or...
(DRILL WHIRRING)
Newts!
Newts? Where are my newts? Gather. Here.
Newts?
It's his adorable word for newbies.
What are you doing?
It's an art piece representing
the futility of blue-collar labor
in a technological age.
And vaginas.
(SNIFFS) Go gather
before he yells in your face.
He's got breath like dead things.
(WHIRRING CONTINUES)
Welcome to the electric shop.
Tools are kept here.
If you want a tool, turn in a chit.
Chits have numbers.
The numbers are assigned to you.
If the tools go missing,
we know who has them,
and your ass is grass.
Demonstration.
(SNAPS FINGERS) You.
My chit number is seven.
They all have seven on 'em.
I hand a chit in, I get my tool.
I hand the tool back, I get my chit back.
Hey, Rabbit Pearl!
Ease back, all right?
We're all gonna go numb.
Anyways, simple as that.
Mr. Luschek,
I think that there's been a mistake.
I asked to be put in the education program.
Is that right, sweetheart?
Yes. I think I'd be more useful there.
I was a TA in college.
Oh, what's that, like, "tits" and "ass?"
(LAUGHS)
I'm just saying that
I know something about teaching.
I don't know the first thing
about electrical work.
Uh, repeat after me,
"Don't electrocute yourself."
"Don't electrocute yourself."
Now you know the first thing.
Here, read this.
Then
fix this.
The light turns on, you can call it a day.
(CLEARS THROAT)
That goes for all of you newts.
Read, fix the lamp, go away.
That's your day, that's your job.
(SCOFFS) Jobs pay. This is bullshit.
You're making 11 cents an hour.
Right. So I could, like, save up
and buy a $6 Pepsi at the company store?
Pepsi, $5.75.
It's bullshit. I ain't picking cotton.
God, you're one of them.
Bet your ass I am.
Fine. Sit in the cage and check out the tools.
In other words, sit on your ass
and do nothing all day.
You think you can handle that?
You speakin' my language.
That's what I'm talking about.
I need a wrench.
Voilà! The monkey can dance.
What'd you call me?
You lose a tool, you go to SHU.
Time for my nap.
(DRILL WHIRRING)
So you go to that address
and you tell them I trained you
in my kitchen.
They'll pay you shit and work you
like a Chinese on the railroad,
- but it's a job.
- (CHUCKLES)
Red, thank you so much for this.
You don't come back here, all right?
That's what I'm hopin'.
I hope so, too.
Most of these girls are in and out so much,
it's like they're fucking the place.
(LAUGHS)
Mercy, can I have your combs?
Yeah, take 'em, Woodstock.
How about your muumuu?
Fine.
What about this?
You'll swim in that.
I was gonna cut it up for yoga straps.
You know, for stretching.
Okay, whatever.
"Whatever?" That's my shirt.
I gave you that shirt.
Yeah. You gave it to me, so it's mine.
And I can give it to who I want.
Little girl, don't make me go mental on you.
Boo, you don't run me no more.
Hmm.
I know you miss my ass.
But Tricia's been taking real good care of it,
and soon it's walkin' out of here.
Let me look at it.
(SNIFFS)
You might wanna wash it.
Still got some stank on it.
You know,
it's not your ass that I want anymore,
it's your back.
(SCOFFS)
Yeah. You better watch it, bitch.
What's the drama?
Mercy should know better than to
fuck with Boo this close to her date.
Oh, shit.
Well, you think she'll try something?
She stole Shelly's date.
Shelly?
Mrs. Boo, three Mrs. Boos ago.
The week before her date,
Boo had some girl jump her.
There was a fight.
Shelly had been growing out her nails,
mauled that girl like a tiger.
Caught two more years down the hill.
Jeez.
"Remove the stand off the body..."
Hey, how about a lunch break, Chapman?
- Oh, God. Yes, please.
- (LAUGHS)
Thanks.
Bologna.
(SIGHS)
Like your lunch?
Mmm. I'm not complaining.
You learn fast. So, how's it going?
I can't get my lamp to turn on.
Yeah, long day for you.
Well, I, on the other hand,
am feeling great job satisfaction.
My hole in the wall goes very deep.
So, how's your mental health?
You know, I can't shake the feeling
that at the end of the day
I'm gonna be able to go home.
And, like, in the morning, when I wake up,
there are these few seconds
before I realize where I am,
and then I do realize, and I can't breathe.
And I wanna cry and throw shit
and kill myself.
(SIGHS)
When does that end?
I'll let you know.
Lunch is over, ladies. Back in.
No, but we just sat down.
And now you can get up
and get back to work.
Speaking of which, what the fuck
are you doing in there, Nichols?
I'm makin' you a glory hole, Luschek.
Then, by all means, carry on.
(SCOFFS)
Back inside.
MISS CLAUDETTE: I s there a problem?
Not at all. In fact, I have some good news.
We could all stand a little good news.
Your case manager called,
and there's interest in reopening your case.
Seems to be some immigration
law reform, blah-di-blah.
You're being reviewed
for potential early release.
I don't care to dredge up the past.
This could mean a lot less time.
I appreciate the opportunity,
but no, thank you.
It will be a whole lot of aggravation
for nothing.
I know how these things go.
Is there anything else?
No. No.
I'll let 'em know your decision.
That's the way it is.
You work, you pay off your debt,
then you go off and live your life.
Do you understand?
You can wear it with slacks,
or with a skirt and tights.
What do you prefer?
Skirt.
Okay. It is important that
you keep your uniform clean.
You can't be trusted to clean a house
if you can't keep yourself.
Yes, Miss Claudette.
When you go to people's homes,
you will be polite,
and clean, and respectful.
No foolishness, no laziness.
And it's, "Yes, ma'am," "Yes, sir."
No back talk, understood?
Speak up, child.
Sorry. Yes, ma'am.
Good.
Put your things away
and come into the kitchen for some food
when you've settled in.
Baptiste!
- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh!
You were gone long this trip.
Too long.
I brought something for you.
You know I don't like gifts.
Everyone likes gifts, even you.
Mangoes!
Thank you.
They're my favorites.
I know that.
Hey...
Claudette, I got married.
Oh.
Congratulations.
She's here.
She's here? What do you mean,
she's here? Where?
Josephine, come here.
- Hello.
- Bonjour.
Claudette, this is Josephine.
Come in, please. So nice to meet you.
Can I get you something to drink?
Yes, that would be wonderful.
- Orange juice?
- Perfect.
I'll get it. Claudette, sit down.
Can I get you a malta?
Uh, yes, thank you. In the icebox.
My husband speaks of you often.
Yes. We've been friends a long time.
I don't know how you've done it
all these years.
Done what?
Oh, taken in these children when
you couldn't have children of your own.
It must be so difficult.
I've made my peace with it.
PIPER: "Put the body in the base and..."
And turn it... All right.
Okay.
(SCREAMS) Ow!
(LAUGHS)
Aw, it's like free shock therapy.
You might lose your short-term memory,
but it's a sweet escape.
Work's done. Wrap it up, ladies.
I couldn't make my lamp work.
- You'll try again tomorrow.
- But you said...
I say a lot of shit, then I wanna go home.
So, clean up, return your tools.
Uh-uh.
You get out of the cage
when all the tools are back in.
(IMITATING MONKEY CHATTERING)
Yeah, keep that up.
Gonna throw some shit at you, cracker.
(ALARM BUZZING)
Hit the floor, ladies.
What the hell is going on?
When the alarm goes off,
you have to lay face-down on the ground.
- Why?
- Because the white man said so.
She's right.
MAN OVER RADIO:
False alarm, false alarm.
Some rookie thought it was
a light switch. Back to stat.
Copy that.
- It was called off.
- What?
You can get up. False alarm.
Everything is fine.
That alarm scared me.
Yeah. It's loud.
I'm trying to stop smoking.
My buddy says that this helps.
Menthols were my thing.
Newports.
Still jonesin'.
(CHUCKLES)
Can I try some?
Um, I guess if...
You can trust me, I'm not gonna tell anyone.
Where do you put it?
Like, underneath your tongue or...
Between your lip and your lower front teeth.
Okay. Just...
Here.
That's disgusting.
(GAGS)
- That's horrible.
- (CHUCKLES)
Thanks. Sorry. I didn't like that.
It's gross, I know.
I shouldn't really do it either.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You got a little between your two teeth.
Oh.
No, the other two, but also those.
It's in all your teeth.
- Wait, hold on.
- What are you doing?
Would you use it as a toothpick and...
Would you? Just...
Yeah.
LUSCHEK: Come on, this is ridiculous.
The screwdriver is missing?
- Someone's gotta have it.
- I don't know.
Where's the list of names?
What do you mean?
I told you for every chit that comes in,
there has to be a name written down.
You did not tell me that.
You told me to take the chit, give the tool,
get the tool back, give back the chit.
I fucking did that.
(SCREAMS)
Who the hell has it?
I don't know...
God!
- Fuck!
- (ALARM BUZZING)
A screwdriver is considered
a deadly weapon.
That is another five years on your sentence
if you are caught with it in your possession.
I don't like being threatened
for something I didn't do.
No. I'm not threatening you,
I'm informing you of the facts.
Sounds like a threat to me.
I already told you, I don't have it.
I put her in charge of the tools, it's her fault.
Yo, don't be tryin' to pass the buck
on me, it's your fuckin' job.
I'm just a monkey in a cage, remember?
Oh, no, no, I think that she means her...
No, I don't need you translating
for me, Honey Boo Boo.
CAPUTO: Be quiet!
If you had done your job correctly,
we would know
who is responsible for this theft.
I want all these women searched.
I don't know about these other bitches,
but no man-guard is patting me down
and coppin' a feel.
Of course, as is your right.
Donaldson, take her down to SHU
and let her wait there
until we can find a female officer to
conduct a thorough, thorough search.
Don't touch me, I can walk out myself.
Yo, motherfucker is a drunk!
Yo, smell his breath!
Yo, motherfucker is a drunk!
Anyone else have a problem
with a male officer?
If you cooperate,
it tells me you have nothing to hide.
If you know who took this weapon
and do not speak up,
you will be considered an accomplice
and charged accordingly.
If your memory is jogged,
you all know where my office is.
Yep, they're good.
Everyone return to camp,
report back here tomorrow.
Jesus Christ, that was scary.
Did he touch your tit?
- Cupped my ass.
- Who do you think took it?
Someone's going down for this.
You think your angry friend, Janae, took it?
I wouldn't say that she's my friend.
I say, "Hi," she says, "Shut the fuck up."
I say, "Hey, how's it going?"
She sucks her teeth, maybe calls me "bitch"
or "you Taylor Swift-ass motherfucker."
We're on our way.
That's just fucking racist,
you look nothing like Taylor Swift.
We do not all look alike,
despite what they think.
Is SHU really that bad?
It's just like the Hamptons,
only fucking horrible.
Okay, yeah, that was a dumb question.
A lady next door to me in there ate a rat,
a live rat, 'cause it bit her.
So, she bit it back, and back, and back.
Hey.
Hey, brain, I wanna ask you something.
Okay.
What is this?
A letter to request an appeal.
I need to get out,
'cause my girlfriend's getting out
and I gotta be with her.
Frankly, I can't wait for
that screamer to hit the bricks.
I'm not so good with words,
and you read everything and shit,
so you'll help me out?
Sure, yeah. I'll take a look at it.
What?
Happy hour. Who's up for margaritas?
Last time I drank tequila,
I woke up in Weehawken.
Yeah, isn't that where you're from?
Fucking shithole.
Yeah, well, Piper loves tequila.
I gotta go.
What? Afraid I'll tell them
the pork chop story?
NICKY: Yeah, this is fuckin' weird, okay?
I have a pork chop story, too. You go first.
They're under the bed.
What?
Your books. I don't like clutter.
Yeah. No, clutter's the worst.
You get hit on the head today?
Okay.
Yo! Dump your shit, they're doing a sweep.
- My God.
- What did you do?
I don't know. I literally... I do not know.
It was a mistake. I can't believe...
Fuck! Fuck!
Outside! Both of you.
This is a mandatory
random bunk inspection.
I need to thoroughly search
your cubicle for contraband.
(HUMMING)
All clear.
What were you thinking?
(WHISPERING) My sweatshirt was outside.
I don't remember putting it in my pocket.
- Maybe I am losing my memory.
- Jesus.
No, I'll just tell them the truth.
I'll just give it back.
- You can't do that!
- Why?
Because here they don't believe the truth.
They'll throw you in SHU
and me as an accomplice.
What should I do? Should I just...
Should I dump it in the yard?
Suppose some nut job,
like your peeing admirer,
were to find it and
stab your tall girlfriend in the eye.
It would come back to you, and you
would be an accomplice to murder.
If you ever want to go home,
get that screwdriver back on that wall.
PORNSTACHE: All clear!
Place looks like crap.
We're lucky they're letting us
set up at all, after the raid.
Would you get more over on the left side?
'Cause that'll really make it more festive?
(LAUGHS)
All we need now is a piñata full of rats.
You know what, stretch? Your ass
just got uninvited. Thanks for the help.
Oh, shit. I just got uninvited
to the most depressing party ever.
What will I do now to
make me not wanna kill myself?
(LAUGHS)
She's kind of right.
This is more depressing
than a Tori Amos cover band.
Look, when in Rome, use what you got.
Unless what you got ain't enough
to keep your woman. Reflect, yo.
Chapman's writing my appeal,
and she's hella smart,
so I'm gonna be out of here soon.
With Mercy, my girl.
(LAUGHS) Wigga, please.
Mercy gonna dump your ass
the second she gets out of here.
She likes new, shiny things.
And out of here,
you are as dull as an old pencil,
with saggy tits and
a fucked-up tattoo on its neck.
Oh, Butchy, face it. I win, you lose.
She hates you. She loves me.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. And she "loved" me, too.
For two whole years, and then
she dropped my butch ass for you.
And if you don't think that's the way she do,
then you are dumber than you look,
which is pretty fuckin' dumb,
'cause you look like
your relatives have been
fucking each other for generations.
Yeah, she'll do the same to you.
That girl was raised by animals,
she don't know how to love.
Yeah? Well, you're fat.
Oh, you got me.
Hey, Dandelion! I've been missin' on you.
Hey, don't be ignoring me now.
I do like I do.
Don't be mad at me, Dandelion. I'm sorry.
Just don't make me angry, all right?
You don't wanna see me when I'm angry.
So I drank a lot of water!
Oh, my God.
Oh, Mr. Healy. Do you mind
if I talk to you for a second?
Chapman, I don't wanna hear
about the job thing.
I put you in Electric because
there's toxic mold in the GED room.
The education program
has been suspended.
That's life. Deal with it.
The... I... That's actually,
that's not um, what I...
I actually wanted to thank you.
Okay.
Great. That's great.
You wanted to thank me?
Yes. Yeah. I mean, I haven't...
I haven't quite figured it out yet,
but I'm gonna be able to rewire a lamp.
Soon. And I'm very excited about that.
I've always felt that I lacked
practical skills in life and...
I don't know.
Are you okay, Chapman?
No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm just, I'm just tired.
I hear there was a problem in your shop.
I hope you're staying clear of trouble.
Of course, of course, of course. Yeah.
I'm sure they'll find the culprit.
That's great. I gotta go.
Thank you for everything.
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
(SIGHS)
Heard you were helping Tricia with a letter.
Oh, I just said that I would
look at it with her. I don't...
I don't want any trouble.
Neither do I.
I just want you to help me with mine.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Yeah, same here.
Well, I'm not a lawyer.
You guys know that, right?
I just said that I would look over it with her.
But I guess that I can do that
with you guys, too.
So, why don't we set up a time to talk,
or, I guess, times to talk?
Why not now? No day like today.
Now is really not a good time.
Wow, blanca. Really?
No. I need to look over everything first,
so why don't you leave the papers with me.
Okay, well, how about this?
I'm innocent, I was set up. How about that?
Yeah. Shit, I wasn't even in Jersey
when that shit went down.
And, I mean, I may be a thief,
but I'm not an embezzler, you know.
And that guy shot himself.
- We should probably look at...
- I don't know anybody.
This is my room.
Not a sorority.
I'm sorry. I know how you feel about guests.
I asked them to leave.
They are looking for legal help.
If you want to open a law office,
do it someplace else. Not in my room!
Ladies,
if you don't mind.
Food stamp fraud? I mean, really,
I was only feeding starving children.
Yeah.
Did you take care of that problem of yours?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. It's all good.
Wait, shortie, you want a book
to read, or a step stool?
'Cause I tell you right now,
you ain't steppin' on the Goblet of Fire.
Don't be fuckin' with Harry Potter.
Now, you could step up on Ulysses.
Everyone says it's so genius,
but I call it bullshit.
No one wants to go through
all that ramblin'.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Look at you, you're having
a little Barnes & Nobles moment.
Oh, my bunkie is hosting Bible study,
which usually I can tune out,
but once they started arguing over
who gets raptured first, I had to go.
Yeah.
I am so getting raptured first.
Yeah, I've technically died on three
separate occasions and I've met God.
- Dude fucking loves me.
- (LAUGHS)
I had this roommate,
she was a history major.
She claims that
she died doing a bunch of whip-its
and that an angel of darkness gave her
all the answers to her Renaissance final
and sent her back.
- How'd she do?
- I think she got a B.
- That's not bad.
- Yeah.
What was your major?
Oh, I just lived on campus, went to parties.
No moolah and no school-ah.
Although sometimes I sat in on classes.
Film classes, free movies.
Is that how you know Chapman?
Kind of.
Look, I've been in here almost three years.
I thought I saw all the permutations
of runcher theater,
but you two are in a whole new play.
What the fuck
went on with you outside?
I don't know. Things.
And stuff.
Fine. I'll let my imagination
keep running wild.
Wait, three years?
How much time do you have left?
Two more.
Jesus fuck.
What for?
Drugs, basically. What do you have?
Counting good time, subtract the
three, add the one... A fuckload.
Of shitty time.
With shitty, smelly, farting,
crazy, stupid fucking bitches.
Most of whom fucking hate me.
Yo, should we plan an escape?
(LAUGHS)
Where do you wanna go?
I don't even know anymore. I used to.
I had grand plans.
Now I can't even get past
the swirling darkness in my brain
long enough to land on anything.
(SOBS)
Oh, man. I was just starting
to like you, Vause.
You gonna go soft on me?
(SNIFFLES)
Oh, fuck. Come here.
It'll be okay, sister.
There's always hope
tomorrow'll be taco night.
Tomorrow's beef and noodles.
Or beef and noodles.
(CHUCKLES)
What are you reading?
Oh, I'm going over Tricia's appeal.
It's a... It's a mess.
I want to say no, but she really needs help.
Is the light bothering you?
The light is fine.
Okay.
Have you ever written
anything like this? An appeal?
I'm really not sure where to start.
(WHISPERING) Miss Claudette?
Are you asleep?
Maybe you should stay out
of other people's affairs.
Maybe. But maybe a heartfelt
and actually legible letter
would help her case, you know?
There's always a chance, right?
Hope is a dangerous thing.
You come in here and you tell me
you've come up empty?
No, that's unacceptable.
It's totally unacceptable.
You find it.
Sir, shouldn't this be on Luschek?
It's Luschek's fault it's missing,
it's your fault it hasn't been found.
You go easy on these girls
and what happens?
They take advantage.
These women are fucking criminals.
Have you forgotten that?
And don't get me started on Luschek.
You know how many times
I tried to fire his ass?
Fucking unions were not created
to protect the drunk and retarded,
- yet lookie here.
- (LAUGHS)
It's a lot harder to laugh
with a punctured lung.
- It goes right between the ribs.
- (LAUGHS)
Ticklish, sir.
It can be used to kill a CO.
It's happened before and it wouldn't
surprise me if it happened again.
Find the fucking screwdriver!
(WHISPERS)
The screwdriver is still in there.
What?
I tried returning it to the shop,
but they were patting people down.
You lied to me?
I was gonna return it this morning.
I didn't realize that
there was gonna be a sneak attack.
Where is it?
It's under the mattress.
It's clean!
This is a mandatory bunk inspection.
I need to thoroughly search
your cubicle for contraband.
MAN ON PA: If you have any information,
please come forward.
You're as sick as your secrets, ladies.
Sick as your secrets.
It's gone. I have no idea where it went.
I'm losing my mind. Jesus!
Am I really going crazy?
Shit. Well,
either way, problem solved.
My problem is solved, yours has just begun.
What?
You lied to me. That's strike two.
If there's a strike three...
Can you please just cut me
a little bit of slack?
Slack?
Slack!
I have been here for less than two weeks.
I have been starved out, felt up,
teased, stalked, threatened,
and called Taylor Swift.
And now, you.
I am doing my best to learn the ropes.
I really, really am.
(WHISPERS)
The screwdriver is no longer here.
(NORMAL VOICE)
It cannot get you in trouble.
I take full responsibility,
and I may be suffering from
short-term memory loss
and I don't know why,
so can you please just cut me some slack?
Okay?
MISS CLAUDETTE: Okay?
(MISS CLAUDETTE SPEAKING
IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)
You go in, get undressed, and bathe now.
What's going on?
Speak up for yourself!
Leave us be.
What happened to you?
(SOBBING)
You can tell me.
(GASPS)
TAYSTEE:
"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows
"It's a very mean place
"So you wind up in prison and
everybody's up in your face
"I don't care how tough you are,
the world will beat you to your knees
"You lay down with dogs,
you wake up with fleas
"Nobody's gonna hit you harder than life
"Not a guard, not a gangster,
not even your wife
"Mercy, you gettin' out, so there's
no need to sit around and pout
"We gonna open up a booth, so you can
sit and mourn for your lost youth"
I hope you enjoyed my original piece.
It was a Taystee delight. Thank you,
and I bid you all a good night.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Yo, please, that ain't yours!
You stole half that shit from Rocky VI.
Maybe, but I made it rhyme.
(LAUGHS) True.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Don't know how you are with the word stuff,
but "uninvited" means "not invited."
Yeah, I'm just using the microwave.
Yeah, right.
I don't want to be
at this lame-ass thing anyway.
And yet you decided to cook your noodles
right in the middle of it all.
Baby, high school is high school.
Thanks.
And don't be talking to me, white girl.
You okay?
No. I'm gonna miss you.
And I may be in here for a little while.
Promise you'll wait for me?
Baby, course I promise.
Don't let Boo get into your head.
I'm your girl.
Plenty of other pussy in here.
Let it go.
Come on, white girl.
(LAUGHS)
You scared me.
Yeah, I get that a lot. What?
No party for you?
No.
You all right, kitten?
I think I might've gotten
Miss Claudette really mad at me.
Look, you know how some people
have imaginary friends?
I think you might have imaginary enemies.
What did she say to you?
Miss Claudette?
No, Alex.
Wouldn't you like to know?
Yes, I would.
She said you were a squirter.
I don't... That's...
Once. It happened once.
And it took us both by surprise.
Wow.
- I was kidding. But good to know.
- Oh!
Whatever they are,
she's keeping your secrets.
But I'll get 'em out of you. More than once.
Do you think that she'll try
and hurt me in my sleep?
Who, Alex?
No. Miss Claudette.
Miss Claudette was into
some kind of slave-trade shit.
All that murder talk is rumor,
and if you ask me, bullshit.
So unless you're worried
she's gonna harbor you illegally,
I wouldn't sweat it.
WOMAN ON PA: Guard Samson,
report to check-in for roll call.
Guard Samson,
report to check-in for roll call.
You didn't come to mail call.
I never get any mail.
You did today.
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Hello, Mr. Jones. I'm from Clean Makers.
The regular girl couldn't make it,
so I'm here.
(TAP FLOWING)
What are you doing?
Oh, you. I got cake from Red, so fuck off.
I said, what are you doing?
Mind your own business.
I see those drugs in your hand.
The more you struggle, the more it will hurt.
Get the fuck off me, you old bitch!
You can't take away
that girl's shot at getting out.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, you do!
You will not steal Mercy's date
over a school girl crush!
You can't play with someone's life like that.
But I love her.
Love
is not an excuse!
(ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING OVER RADIO)
(RADIO SWITCHES OFF)
I'd like a pair of pliers
and a wire-cutter, please.
Oh, so is that the screwdriver?
Lucky for you gals,
I found this thing under the sink.
Now let's all get back to normal, all right?
Make the lamps work. Leave me alone.
Have a nice day.
(MOANING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Mercy's leaving.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Do you have a second?
No. But you're here now.
I've changed my mind.
I'd like to reopen my case.
MAN ON PA: Abusive and obscene language
is strictly prohibited under Code 404.
Be good, okay?
Sorry I've been such a dick.
You know, I'm gonna miss you, little girl.
Black.
Hey, that's enough, ladies. Break it up.
Come on. Hey, hey!
No tongue-fucking in
the visitation room, you know that.
Love you.
I promise I'm gonna wait for you.
Bye, guys.
Be good, okay?
And now what? You wipe it up,
but that does not disinfect.
How are you going to disinfect?
(WHISPERING) I don't know. I've never
cleaned up another person's pee before.
Quite a privileged life you've led!
Yeah, well, now... Now I'm here.
I have to be up in three hours.
I ought to knock you into Tuesday
for bringing that baggage to my house!
Like I asked for this? I don't want this.
I don't know what to do.
About what? You clean the piss!
The piss, the stalker, your anger,
my cluelessness, disinfectant.
There is another person's pee on me,
and I'm not allowed to use
the bathroom until the morning.
I have to sleep with stranger pee on me.
Oh, Coo-coo. It's hard for you.
Little girl lost.
(BAPTISTE SPEAKING
IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)
TESSA: Dee! Where's Dee?
Get over here, child.
Dee, take off that uniform, put an iron to it,
and if you're not ready to go in five minutes,
I'm sending you back on the next boat! Go!
Baptiste, close the door,
you're letting all the heat out.
Get in here.
Who's this one?
This is Claudette.
Look at this skinny cat.
Open your mouth.
How are your teeth, skinny cat?
(SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)
This is your home now.
And you will only speak English here.
Understand? Let me hear.
Yes, understanding.
Mmm.
Go in the back and get changed.
Uniforms are on the shelf in the hall.
Go on! There's work to do.
Work?
Yes. You'll be working for me
until you pay off your parents' debt.
Now get in the back
and change your clothes.
How about we feed the cat, Ti Tessa?
Give her a moment to breathe. It's all new.
It's all new! Ah!
You got your money, Baptiste.
Why are you still here?
No one makes manje kreyòl like you.
You cook like home.
Bah!
Go in the kitchen, both of you.
(SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)
I got mad respect for you, OG.
You know, mad props.
Um, can I ask you something?
I don't know, can you?
Yeah. It's just that
my girl, Mercy, is getting out,
and I was thinking maybe you could
make that cake that you do.
Like, the one you made at Easter.
That shit was the bomb.
I made it to celebrate
the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Well, Mercy be resurrecting
up out of here, right?
Don't you think that deserve cake?
Are you saying your Mercy is
like the good Lord, Jesus?
Did your Mercy die for our sins?
I don't think so.
She's my boo.
I'm tired and not in the mood. Go away now.
My friends went a little overboard.
When I first got here,
my friends sent me all kind of shit, too.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Oh.
You got anything sexy in there?
Um, I might have some Nicholson Baker.
- Who?
- You need to leave.
Take some books with you.
Educate yourself.
Not that it helped this one.
So, what you want?
You want some of this, huh?
You like this?
I can make you feel good.
That's how much I love my girl.
I'm struck by your devotion.
And sick to my stomach, too. Get out!
I'm gonna find something you want, OG.
You keep thinking, I'll keep thinking.
Out!
Children.
I got a new job assignment.
I don't like mess.
I'm sorry. I'll organize them.
Book mess, piss mess.
I know.
You take care of it or...
(DRILL WHIRRING)
Newts!
Newts? Where are my newts? Gather. Here.
Newts?
It's his adorable word for newbies.
What are you doing?
It's an art piece representing
the futility of blue-collar labor
in a technological age.
And vaginas.
(SNIFFS) Go gather
before he yells in your face.
He's got breath like dead things.
(WHIRRING CONTINUES)
Welcome to the electric shop.
Tools are kept here.
If you want a tool, turn in a chit.
Chits have numbers.
The numbers are assigned to you.
If the tools go missing,
we know who has them,
and your ass is grass.
Demonstration.
(SNAPS FINGERS) You.
My chit number is seven.
They all have seven on 'em.
I hand a chit in, I get my tool.
I hand the tool back, I get my chit back.
Hey, Rabbit Pearl!
Ease back, all right?
We're all gonna go numb.
Anyways, simple as that.
Mr. Luschek,
I think that there's been a mistake.
I asked to be put in the education program.
Is that right, sweetheart?
Yes. I think I'd be more useful there.
I was a TA in college.
Oh, what's that, like, "tits" and "ass?"
(LAUGHS)
I'm just saying that
I know something about teaching.
I don't know the first thing
about electrical work.
Uh, repeat after me,
"Don't electrocute yourself."
"Don't electrocute yourself."
Now you know the first thing.
Here, read this.
Then
fix this.
The light turns on, you can call it a day.
(CLEARS THROAT)
That goes for all of you newts.
Read, fix the lamp, go away.
That's your day, that's your job.
(SCOFFS) Jobs pay. This is bullshit.
You're making 11 cents an hour.
Right. So I could, like, save up
and buy a $6 Pepsi at the company store?
Pepsi, $5.75.
It's bullshit. I ain't picking cotton.
God, you're one of them.
Bet your ass I am.
Fine. Sit in the cage and check out the tools.
In other words, sit on your ass
and do nothing all day.
You think you can handle that?
You speakin' my language.
That's what I'm talking about.
I need a wrench.
Voilà! The monkey can dance.
What'd you call me?
You lose a tool, you go to SHU.
Time for my nap.
(DRILL WHIRRING)
So you go to that address
and you tell them I trained you
in my kitchen.
They'll pay you shit and work you
like a Chinese on the railroad,
- but it's a job.
- (CHUCKLES)
Red, thank you so much for this.
You don't come back here, all right?
That's what I'm hopin'.
I hope so, too.
Most of these girls are in and out so much,
it's like they're fucking the place.
(LAUGHS)
Mercy, can I have your combs?
Yeah, take 'em, Woodstock.
How about your muumuu?
Fine.
What about this?
You'll swim in that.
I was gonna cut it up for yoga straps.
You know, for stretching.
Okay, whatever.
"Whatever?" That's my shirt.
I gave you that shirt.
Yeah. You gave it to me, so it's mine.
And I can give it to who I want.
Little girl, don't make me go mental on you.
Boo, you don't run me no more.
Hmm.
I know you miss my ass.
But Tricia's been taking real good care of it,
and soon it's walkin' out of here.
Let me look at it.
(SNIFFS)
You might wanna wash it.
Still got some stank on it.
You know,
it's not your ass that I want anymore,
it's your back.
(SCOFFS)
Yeah. You better watch it, bitch.
What's the drama?
Mercy should know better than to
fuck with Boo this close to her date.
Oh, shit.
Well, you think she'll try something?
She stole Shelly's date.
Shelly?
Mrs. Boo, three Mrs. Boos ago.
The week before her date,
Boo had some girl jump her.
There was a fight.
Shelly had been growing out her nails,
mauled that girl like a tiger.
Caught two more years down the hill.
Jeez.
"Remove the stand off the body..."
Hey, how about a lunch break, Chapman?
- Oh, God. Yes, please.
- (LAUGHS)
Thanks.
Bologna.
(SIGHS)
Like your lunch?
Mmm. I'm not complaining.
You learn fast. So, how's it going?
I can't get my lamp to turn on.
Yeah, long day for you.
Well, I, on the other hand,
am feeling great job satisfaction.
My hole in the wall goes very deep.
So, how's your mental health?
You know, I can't shake the feeling
that at the end of the day
I'm gonna be able to go home.
And, like, in the morning, when I wake up,
there are these few seconds
before I realize where I am,
and then I do realize, and I can't breathe.
And I wanna cry and throw shit
and kill myself.
(SIGHS)
When does that end?
I'll let you know.
Lunch is over, ladies. Back in.
No, but we just sat down.
And now you can get up
and get back to work.
Speaking of which, what the fuck
are you doing in there, Nichols?
I'm makin' you a glory hole, Luschek.
Then, by all means, carry on.
(SCOFFS)
Back inside.
MISS CLAUDETTE: I s there a problem?
Not at all. In fact, I have some good news.
We could all stand a little good news.
Your case manager called,
and there's interest in reopening your case.
Seems to be some immigration
law reform, blah-di-blah.
You're being reviewed
for potential early release.
I don't care to dredge up the past.
This could mean a lot less time.
I appreciate the opportunity,
but no, thank you.
It will be a whole lot of aggravation
for nothing.
I know how these things go.
Is there anything else?
No. No.
I'll let 'em know your decision.
That's the way it is.
You work, you pay off your debt,
then you go off and live your life.
Do you understand?
You can wear it with slacks,
or with a skirt and tights.
What do you prefer?
Skirt.
Okay. It is important that
you keep your uniform clean.
You can't be trusted to clean a house
if you can't keep yourself.
Yes, Miss Claudette.
When you go to people's homes,
you will be polite,
and clean, and respectful.
No foolishness, no laziness.
And it's, "Yes, ma'am," "Yes, sir."
No back talk, understood?
Speak up, child.
Sorry. Yes, ma'am.
Good.
Put your things away
and come into the kitchen for some food
when you've settled in.
Baptiste!
- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh!
You were gone long this trip.
Too long.
I brought something for you.
You know I don't like gifts.
Everyone likes gifts, even you.
Mangoes!
Thank you.
They're my favorites.
I know that.
Hey...
Claudette, I got married.
Oh.
Congratulations.
She's here.
She's here? What do you mean,
she's here? Where?
Josephine, come here.
- Hello.
- Bonjour.
Claudette, this is Josephine.
Come in, please. So nice to meet you.
Can I get you something to drink?
Yes, that would be wonderful.
- Orange juice?
- Perfect.
I'll get it. Claudette, sit down.
Can I get you a malta?
Uh, yes, thank you. In the icebox.
My husband speaks of you often.
Yes. We've been friends a long time.
I don't know how you've done it
all these years.
Done what?
Oh, taken in these children when
you couldn't have children of your own.
It must be so difficult.
I've made my peace with it.
PIPER: "Put the body in the base and..."
And turn it... All right.
Okay.
(SCREAMS) Ow!
(LAUGHS)
Aw, it's like free shock therapy.
You might lose your short-term memory,
but it's a sweet escape.
Work's done. Wrap it up, ladies.
I couldn't make my lamp work.
- You'll try again tomorrow.
- But you said...
I say a lot of shit, then I wanna go home.
So, clean up, return your tools.
Uh-uh.
You get out of the cage
when all the tools are back in.
(IMITATING MONKEY CHATTERING)
Yeah, keep that up.
Gonna throw some shit at you, cracker.
(ALARM BUZZING)
Hit the floor, ladies.
What the hell is going on?
When the alarm goes off,
you have to lay face-down on the ground.
- Why?
- Because the white man said so.
She's right.
MAN OVER RADIO:
False alarm, false alarm.
Some rookie thought it was
a light switch. Back to stat.
Copy that.
- It was called off.
- What?
You can get up. False alarm.
Everything is fine.
That alarm scared me.
Yeah. It's loud.
I'm trying to stop smoking.
My buddy says that this helps.
Menthols were my thing.
Newports.
Still jonesin'.
(CHUCKLES)
Can I try some?
Um, I guess if...
You can trust me, I'm not gonna tell anyone.
Where do you put it?
Like, underneath your tongue or...
Between your lip and your lower front teeth.
Okay. Just...
Here.
That's disgusting.
(GAGS)
- That's horrible.
- (CHUCKLES)
Thanks. Sorry. I didn't like that.
It's gross, I know.
I shouldn't really do it either.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You got a little between your two teeth.
Oh.
No, the other two, but also those.
It's in all your teeth.
- Wait, hold on.
- What are you doing?
Would you use it as a toothpick and...
Would you? Just...
Yeah.
LUSCHEK: Come on, this is ridiculous.
The screwdriver is missing?
- Someone's gotta have it.
- I don't know.
Where's the list of names?
What do you mean?
I told you for every chit that comes in,
there has to be a name written down.
You did not tell me that.
You told me to take the chit, give the tool,
get the tool back, give back the chit.
I fucking did that.
(SCREAMS)
Who the hell has it?
I don't know...
God!
- Fuck!
- (ALARM BUZZING)
A screwdriver is considered
a deadly weapon.
That is another five years on your sentence
if you are caught with it in your possession.
I don't like being threatened
for something I didn't do.
No. I'm not threatening you,
I'm informing you of the facts.
Sounds like a threat to me.
I already told you, I don't have it.
I put her in charge of the tools, it's her fault.
Yo, don't be tryin' to pass the buck
on me, it's your fuckin' job.
I'm just a monkey in a cage, remember?
Oh, no, no, I think that she means her...
No, I don't need you translating
for me, Honey Boo Boo.
CAPUTO: Be quiet!
If you had done your job correctly,
we would know
who is responsible for this theft.
I want all these women searched.
I don't know about these other bitches,
but no man-guard is patting me down
and coppin' a feel.
Of course, as is your right.
Donaldson, take her down to SHU
and let her wait there
until we can find a female officer to
conduct a thorough, thorough search.
Don't touch me, I can walk out myself.
Yo, motherfucker is a drunk!
Yo, smell his breath!
Yo, motherfucker is a drunk!
Anyone else have a problem
with a male officer?
If you cooperate,
it tells me you have nothing to hide.
If you know who took this weapon
and do not speak up,
you will be considered an accomplice
and charged accordingly.
If your memory is jogged,
you all know where my office is.
Yep, they're good.
Everyone return to camp,
report back here tomorrow.
Jesus Christ, that was scary.
Did he touch your tit?
- Cupped my ass.
- Who do you think took it?
Someone's going down for this.
You think your angry friend, Janae, took it?
I wouldn't say that she's my friend.
I say, "Hi," she says, "Shut the fuck up."
I say, "Hey, how's it going?"
She sucks her teeth, maybe calls me "bitch"
or "you Taylor Swift-ass motherfucker."
We're on our way.
That's just fucking racist,
you look nothing like Taylor Swift.
We do not all look alike,
despite what they think.
Is SHU really that bad?
It's just like the Hamptons,
only fucking horrible.
Okay, yeah, that was a dumb question.
A lady next door to me in there ate a rat,
a live rat, 'cause it bit her.
So, she bit it back, and back, and back.
Hey.
Hey, brain, I wanna ask you something.
Okay.
What is this?
A letter to request an appeal.
I need to get out,
'cause my girlfriend's getting out
and I gotta be with her.
Frankly, I can't wait for
that screamer to hit the bricks.
I'm not so good with words,
and you read everything and shit,
so you'll help me out?
Sure, yeah. I'll take a look at it.
What?
Happy hour. Who's up for margaritas?
Last time I drank tequila,
I woke up in Weehawken.
Yeah, isn't that where you're from?
Fucking shithole.
Yeah, well, Piper loves tequila.
I gotta go.
What? Afraid I'll tell them
the pork chop story?
NICKY: Yeah, this is fuckin' weird, okay?
I have a pork chop story, too. You go first.
They're under the bed.
What?
Your books. I don't like clutter.
Yeah. No, clutter's the worst.
You get hit on the head today?
Okay.
Yo! Dump your shit, they're doing a sweep.
- My God.
- What did you do?
I don't know. I literally... I do not know.
It was a mistake. I can't believe...
Fuck! Fuck!
Outside! Both of you.
This is a mandatory
random bunk inspection.
I need to thoroughly search
your cubicle for contraband.
(HUMMING)
All clear.
What were you thinking?
(WHISPERING) My sweatshirt was outside.
I don't remember putting it in my pocket.
- Maybe I am losing my memory.
- Jesus.
No, I'll just tell them the truth.
I'll just give it back.
- You can't do that!
- Why?
Because here they don't believe the truth.
They'll throw you in SHU
and me as an accomplice.
What should I do? Should I just...
Should I dump it in the yard?
Suppose some nut job,
like your peeing admirer,
were to find it and
stab your tall girlfriend in the eye.
It would come back to you, and you
would be an accomplice to murder.
If you ever want to go home,
get that screwdriver back on that wall.
PORNSTACHE: All clear!
Place looks like crap.
We're lucky they're letting us
set up at all, after the raid.
Would you get more over on the left side?
'Cause that'll really make it more festive?
(LAUGHS)
All we need now is a piñata full of rats.
You know what, stretch? Your ass
just got uninvited. Thanks for the help.
Oh, shit. I just got uninvited
to the most depressing party ever.
What will I do now to
make me not wanna kill myself?
(LAUGHS)
She's kind of right.
This is more depressing
than a Tori Amos cover band.
Look, when in Rome, use what you got.
Unless what you got ain't enough
to keep your woman. Reflect, yo.
Chapman's writing my appeal,
and she's hella smart,
so I'm gonna be out of here soon.
With Mercy, my girl.
(LAUGHS) Wigga, please.
Mercy gonna dump your ass
the second she gets out of here.
She likes new, shiny things.
And out of here,
you are as dull as an old pencil,
with saggy tits and
a fucked-up tattoo on its neck.
Oh, Butchy, face it. I win, you lose.
She hates you. She loves me.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. And she "loved" me, too.
For two whole years, and then
she dropped my butch ass for you.
And if you don't think that's the way she do,
then you are dumber than you look,
which is pretty fuckin' dumb,
'cause you look like
your relatives have been
fucking each other for generations.
Yeah, she'll do the same to you.
That girl was raised by animals,
she don't know how to love.
Yeah? Well, you're fat.
Oh, you got me.
Hey, Dandelion! I've been missin' on you.
Hey, don't be ignoring me now.
I do like I do.
Don't be mad at me, Dandelion. I'm sorry.
Just don't make me angry, all right?
You don't wanna see me when I'm angry.
So I drank a lot of water!
Oh, my God.
Oh, Mr. Healy. Do you mind
if I talk to you for a second?
Chapman, I don't wanna hear
about the job thing.
I put you in Electric because
there's toxic mold in the GED room.
The education program
has been suspended.
That's life. Deal with it.
The... I... That's actually,
that's not um, what I...
I actually wanted to thank you.
Okay.
Great. That's great.
You wanted to thank me?
Yes. Yeah. I mean, I haven't...
I haven't quite figured it out yet,
but I'm gonna be able to rewire a lamp.
Soon. And I'm very excited about that.
I've always felt that I lacked
practical skills in life and...
I don't know.
Are you okay, Chapman?
No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm just, I'm just tired.
I hear there was a problem in your shop.
I hope you're staying clear of trouble.
Of course, of course, of course. Yeah.
I'm sure they'll find the culprit.
That's great. I gotta go.
Thank you for everything.
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
(SIGHS)
Heard you were helping Tricia with a letter.
Oh, I just said that I would
look at it with her. I don't...
I don't want any trouble.
Neither do I.
I just want you to help me with mine.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Yeah, same here.
Well, I'm not a lawyer.
You guys know that, right?
I just said that I would look over it with her.
But I guess that I can do that
with you guys, too.
So, why don't we set up a time to talk,
or, I guess, times to talk?
Why not now? No day like today.
Now is really not a good time.
Wow, blanca. Really?
No. I need to look over everything first,
so why don't you leave the papers with me.
Okay, well, how about this?
I'm innocent, I was set up. How about that?
Yeah. Shit, I wasn't even in Jersey
when that shit went down.
And, I mean, I may be a thief,
but I'm not an embezzler, you know.
And that guy shot himself.
- We should probably look at...
- I don't know anybody.
This is my room.
Not a sorority.
I'm sorry. I know how you feel about guests.
I asked them to leave.
They are looking for legal help.
If you want to open a law office,
do it someplace else. Not in my room!
Ladies,
if you don't mind.
Food stamp fraud? I mean, really,
I was only feeding starving children.
Yeah.
Did you take care of that problem of yours?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. It's all good.
Wait, shortie, you want a book
to read, or a step stool?
'Cause I tell you right now,
you ain't steppin' on the Goblet of Fire.
Don't be fuckin' with Harry Potter.
Now, you could step up on Ulysses.
Everyone says it's so genius,
but I call it bullshit.
No one wants to go through
all that ramblin'.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Look at you, you're having
a little Barnes & Nobles moment.
Oh, my bunkie is hosting Bible study,
which usually I can tune out,
but once they started arguing over
who gets raptured first, I had to go.
Yeah.
I am so getting raptured first.
Yeah, I've technically died on three
separate occasions and I've met God.
- Dude fucking loves me.
- (LAUGHS)
I had this roommate,
she was a history major.
She claims that
she died doing a bunch of whip-its
and that an angel of darkness gave her
all the answers to her Renaissance final
and sent her back.
- How'd she do?
- I think she got a B.
- That's not bad.
- Yeah.
What was your major?
Oh, I just lived on campus, went to parties.
No moolah and no school-ah.
Although sometimes I sat in on classes.
Film classes, free movies.
Is that how you know Chapman?
Kind of.
Look, I've been in here almost three years.
I thought I saw all the permutations
of runcher theater,
but you two are in a whole new play.
What the fuck
went on with you outside?
I don't know. Things.
And stuff.
Fine. I'll let my imagination
keep running wild.
Wait, three years?
How much time do you have left?
Two more.
Jesus fuck.
What for?
Drugs, basically. What do you have?
Counting good time, subtract the
three, add the one... A fuckload.
Of shitty time.
With shitty, smelly, farting,
crazy, stupid fucking bitches.
Most of whom fucking hate me.
Yo, should we plan an escape?
(LAUGHS)
Where do you wanna go?
I don't even know anymore. I used to.
I had grand plans.
Now I can't even get past
the swirling darkness in my brain
long enough to land on anything.
(SOBS)
Oh, man. I was just starting
to like you, Vause.
You gonna go soft on me?
(SNIFFLES)
Oh, fuck. Come here.
It'll be okay, sister.
There's always hope
tomorrow'll be taco night.
Tomorrow's beef and noodles.
Or beef and noodles.
(CHUCKLES)
What are you reading?
Oh, I'm going over Tricia's appeal.
It's a... It's a mess.
I want to say no, but she really needs help.
Is the light bothering you?
The light is fine.
Okay.
Have you ever written
anything like this? An appeal?
I'm really not sure where to start.
(WHISPERING) Miss Claudette?
Are you asleep?
Maybe you should stay out
of other people's affairs.
Maybe. But maybe a heartfelt
and actually legible letter
would help her case, you know?
There's always a chance, right?
Hope is a dangerous thing.
You come in here and you tell me
you've come up empty?
No, that's unacceptable.
It's totally unacceptable.
You find it.
Sir, shouldn't this be on Luschek?
It's Luschek's fault it's missing,
it's your fault it hasn't been found.
You go easy on these girls
and what happens?
They take advantage.
These women are fucking criminals.
Have you forgotten that?
And don't get me started on Luschek.
You know how many times
I tried to fire his ass?
Fucking unions were not created
to protect the drunk and retarded,
- yet lookie here.
- (LAUGHS)
It's a lot harder to laugh
with a punctured lung.
- It goes right between the ribs.
- (LAUGHS)
Ticklish, sir.
It can be used to kill a CO.
It's happened before and it wouldn't
surprise me if it happened again.
Find the fucking screwdriver!
(WHISPERS)
The screwdriver is still in there.
What?
I tried returning it to the shop,
but they were patting people down.
You lied to me?
I was gonna return it this morning.
I didn't realize that
there was gonna be a sneak attack.
Where is it?
It's under the mattress.
It's clean!
This is a mandatory bunk inspection.
I need to thoroughly search
your cubicle for contraband.
MAN ON PA: If you have any information,
please come forward.
You're as sick as your secrets, ladies.
Sick as your secrets.
It's gone. I have no idea where it went.
I'm losing my mind. Jesus!
Am I really going crazy?
Shit. Well,
either way, problem solved.
My problem is solved, yours has just begun.
What?
You lied to me. That's strike two.
If there's a strike three...
Can you please just cut me
a little bit of slack?
Slack?
Slack!
I have been here for less than two weeks.
I have been starved out, felt up,
teased, stalked, threatened,
and called Taylor Swift.
And now, you.
I am doing my best to learn the ropes.
I really, really am.
(WHISPERS)
The screwdriver is no longer here.
(NORMAL VOICE)
It cannot get you in trouble.
I take full responsibility,
and I may be suffering from
short-term memory loss
and I don't know why,
so can you please just cut me some slack?
Okay?
MISS CLAUDETTE: Okay?
(MISS CLAUDETTE SPEAKING
IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)
You go in, get undressed, and bathe now.
What's going on?
Speak up for yourself!
Leave us be.
What happened to you?
(SOBBING)
You can tell me.
(GASPS)
TAYSTEE:
"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows
"It's a very mean place
"So you wind up in prison and
everybody's up in your face
"I don't care how tough you are,
the world will beat you to your knees
"You lay down with dogs,
you wake up with fleas
"Nobody's gonna hit you harder than life
"Not a guard, not a gangster,
not even your wife
"Mercy, you gettin' out, so there's
no need to sit around and pout
"We gonna open up a booth, so you can
sit and mourn for your lost youth"
I hope you enjoyed my original piece.
It was a Taystee delight. Thank you,
and I bid you all a good night.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Yo, please, that ain't yours!
You stole half that shit from Rocky VI.
Maybe, but I made it rhyme.
(LAUGHS) True.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Don't know how you are with the word stuff,
but "uninvited" means "not invited."
Yeah, I'm just using the microwave.
Yeah, right.
I don't want to be
at this lame-ass thing anyway.
And yet you decided to cook your noodles
right in the middle of it all.
Baby, high school is high school.
Thanks.
And don't be talking to me, white girl.
You okay?
No. I'm gonna miss you.
And I may be in here for a little while.
Promise you'll wait for me?
Baby, course I promise.
Don't let Boo get into your head.
I'm your girl.
Plenty of other pussy in here.
Let it go.
Come on, white girl.
(LAUGHS)
You scared me.
Yeah, I get that a lot. What?
No party for you?
No.
You all right, kitten?
I think I might've gotten
Miss Claudette really mad at me.
Look, you know how some people
have imaginary friends?
I think you might have imaginary enemies.
What did she say to you?
Miss Claudette?
No, Alex.
Wouldn't you like to know?
Yes, I would.
She said you were a squirter.
I don't... That's...
Once. It happened once.
And it took us both by surprise.
Wow.
- I was kidding. But good to know.
- Oh!
Whatever they are,
she's keeping your secrets.
But I'll get 'em out of you. More than once.
Do you think that she'll try
and hurt me in my sleep?
Who, Alex?
No. Miss Claudette.
Miss Claudette was into
some kind of slave-trade shit.
All that murder talk is rumor,
and if you ask me, bullshit.
So unless you're worried
she's gonna harbor you illegally,
I wouldn't sweat it.
WOMAN ON PA: Guard Samson,
report to check-in for roll call.
Guard Samson,
report to check-in for roll call.
You didn't come to mail call.
I never get any mail.
You did today.
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Hello, Mr. Jones. I'm from Clean Makers.
The regular girl couldn't make it,
so I'm here.
(TAP FLOWING)
What are you doing?
Oh, you. I got cake from Red, so fuck off.
I said, what are you doing?
Mind your own business.
I see those drugs in your hand.
The more you struggle, the more it will hurt.
Get the fuck off me, you old bitch!
You can't take away
that girl's shot at getting out.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, you do!
You will not steal Mercy's date
over a school girl crush!
You can't play with someone's life like that.
But I love her.
Love
is not an excuse!
(ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING OVER RADIO)
(RADIO SWITCHES OFF)
I'd like a pair of pliers
and a wire-cutter, please.
Oh, so is that the screwdriver?
Lucky for you gals,
I found this thing under the sink.
Now let's all get back to normal, all right?
Make the lamps work. Leave me alone.
Have a nice day.
(MOANING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Mercy's leaving.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Do you have a second?
No. But you're here now.
I've changed my mind.
I'd like to reopen my case.
MAN ON PA: Abusive and obscene language
is strictly prohibited under Code 404.
Be good, okay?
Sorry I've been such a dick.
You know, I'm gonna miss you, little girl.
Black.
Hey, that's enough, ladies. Break it up.
Come on. Hey, hey!
No tongue-fucking in
the visitation room, you know that.
Love you.
I promise I'm gonna wait for you.
Bye, guys.
Be good, okay?