Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Tit Punch - full transcript

After accidentally insulting the prison's chef, the kitchen staff refuses to feed Piper.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -




So I say to this guy...

"Save your schooner for
someone else, yes?"

I come here to buy a boat, not
become some goddamn pirate.


You should go talk to them.

Please don't drop that.

Get out there. Shake hands.


Are you listening to me?

It's important that we
make this connection.


These are very
important people.


Go meet his wife.

I've been cooking all day.
I smell like onions.


Ladies and gentlemen!

I have someone to
make you acquaintance.


RED: That's disgusting.

And unsanitary.

Keeps 'em warm all day long.

Thanks for this back board.

Pleasure doin'
business with you.

WOMAN OVER PA: 5:00 a.m.
Breakfast time.

So we need request forms for
next spring's non-perishables.

Bring 'em tonight.

Tori's getting out
in six weeks,

so we gotta train someone
new on the feed slicer.

Look into little Sara.

Make sure she
never stabbed people.

And Betty's been acting up again.
The bitch is gonna fuck us.

A little patience.

She's been here a lot of years.
I'll deal with her.

The blondie?

Yes. She's going nuts.

That one's a light touch.

Well, you did serve
her a bloody tampon.

Yeah. Heh.

I'm proud of that one.

I have to go to another prison.

A different one.

You have to move me.

Like this is the Radisson
and you don't like your room?


Why isn't this the Radisson?

Why do you need to be moved?

Did someone try
to engage with you sexually?

Tell me what
happened out there.


It's fine.

I just freaked out.

I'll be fine.

I'm sure you will.

You're gonna be
late for orientation.

MAN OVER PA: Attention, ladies.
Remember the rules.

Hey, sorry I'm late.
Sit down.

That one's broke.



Welcome to the Federal
Department of Corrections,

where we strive

to maintain facilities that are
secure, humane, and cost effective.


Night school classes are
offered three nights a week.

There are a variety of
recreational activities available

and clinical visits are offered
at the inmates' request.

But enough about policy. Let's
get to the important stuff.

This is a piece of copper pipe.

And it was taken
from the laundry room.


It's hard.

This was used
to break two ribs.

Could also be used
to crack your skull,

break your knee,
muss up your makeup.

Amongst other things.

Suicidal thoughts will come.

Some days, it'll feel like
there are no other thoughts.

"Do it," they'll say.

"End it."


"Come on."

You'll be assigned bunks soon.
Uniform issue is next week.

State your correct
size on the form.

No baggy hip-hop pants.

Yes, I'm lookin' at you.

Plastic toothbrush with a
razor-blade melted right into it.




Yeah, probably shouldn't
have showed you that one.

The women who made
and used these items

are now in the SHU
or down at the max facility

with added sentences. Their
lives are basically over.

Hello, ladies.

I am Natalie Figueroa.

I am the Executive
Assistant to the warden.

I try and visit often.

If you have any concerns,

specifically regarding
your needs as women,

please come to me.
I will handle them personally.

Yeah, she will.

I had a question, actually.

Today I'm only
here as a formality.



GINA: Next.



No. Wait.





Come on.


WOMAN OVER PA: Dorm D, Dorm D,
laundry is ready for drop-off.


They're not letting me eat.

That sounds like a whole
lot of your problem.

We don't leave lunch
till lunch is over.





Come sit with us.
Not with Crazy Eyes.

Rough morning?

Something like that.

We should've
warned you about Red.

Well, I just didn't expect to be
punished while I was getting punished.

You gotta fix that.
Make it right.


I find it best to
confront things head-on.

Know what?
I'm just gonna apologize.

I'm just gonna very
sincerely apologize.

People make mistakes. People say
stupid things all the time.


She's gotta
understand that, right?



Check this shit out.


Who are you?

Her daughter. Who are you?

Her daughter.


What's the matter, you
don't wanna hit me again?

From here on out, this
place will hit you for me.

This orange thing,
it's like, I glow in the dark.

The guard with the mustache
keeps staring at me.

Since when do you hate that?


You got any extra khakis?

No. Well, not in your size.


And don't be in such a rush to
get out of that orange, sabes?

Once you're in these,
you're old news.


White girl said somethin'
nasty about Red's food,

then Red sent her a message 'cause
white girl better recognize.

(WHISPERS) A message?

Egg McTampon. Rare.

So now nobody's
givin' her nothin' to eat.

Not until Red say so.



This ain't gonna get
Red in trouble, right?

'Cause I ain't no snitch.

No. Of course not.
I mean, probably not.

I haven't decided yet.

Hold up.


Where my candy?

Get me another towel.

Is this a bad time?




About what I said yesterday?

It was careless and it was rude.
And I am really sorry.

I appreciate everything
that you do here,

I can't imagine how
much work it takes,

and since we're clearly gonna be
spending some time together...

Don't forget the toes, Norma.

I can tell you take pride in what
you do, and I so respect that.

If someone insulted my work...

What is it, your work?


Um, I make artisanal bath products.
We got into Barneys.


I'm just saying we're not that
different, you and I. That's all.

And I understand
how stupid I've been.

I really apologize.


I'm sorry.


You seem sweet.

You really do, honey.

But I can't do shit
with "I'm sorry."

Not in here.

Might not look like it,

but there's rules
in this place.

The most important of which is,

the second you're
perceived as weak,

you already are.

What do you want me to do?

You're a smart girl.



Figure something out.

That girl got some nice legs.

What the fuck is this?

Oh, it's my treat I'm savin'.
Just leave it.

Leave it?

Fuck leave it.

You can't put your sticky
ice cream shit in here.

It ain't just an ice cream.
It's a King Cone.


Get off me, girl!


Get this bitch off of me!


B fucking took my hair out!

B Dorm, Itza Martinez...

Please tell me y'all ain't
fighting over ice cream.

King Cone.




You okay, Chapman?


You know,
I'd give you a pretzel

but the walls have eyes,
and I'm not retarded.

When I first got here,
I had troubles like you.

There was a disagreement.

Then we brawled.

That's how you settled things.

And if I'd have won,

I'd have been la jefa.

Instead of this.

Thank God I got cancer.

No one fucks with cancer.

Good talk.




So it's nothing but lemonade?

It's a cleanse.

No vegetable juice? Fiber?

We are going to deny
ourselves sustenance

while there are people
that starve in Kinshasa?

It's racist to
just say "Africa."

You put cayenne pepper in this?

Yes! Yes.
It flushes out toxins.

We don't smoke,
we don't snort crack.

Honey, don't you think the little
rocks would hurt your nose

if you tried to snort crack?

I think you mean coke.

You know what I mean.

You know, you don't let me buy
food unless it's locally-grown,

grass-fed, conflict-free...

I'm perfectly fine
doing this on my own.

No. No, no, no, no. Honey,
that's not what I'm saying.

You're making fun of it.
No. I'm just...

When you said cleanse,

I thought you meant
we'd be eating more kale.

We can eat more kale when we're
transitioning back to food.


What about dinners out?

Weekend brunches?

(STUTTERS) I mean, isn't this gonna
turn us into anti-social losers?

Well, it doesn't have to.


I'm not gonna be the guy that shows
up with his lemonade cuppie.

Okay. Okay.

For me, this is it
for the next seven days.

If you wanna back out, I'm
not gonna love you any less.

We did say that we were
gonna do it together.

But if you don't
wanna be "that guy,"

I'm perfectly happy
doing it on my own.


Well, where's the fun in that?



Oh, God. (SIGHS)


OFFICER: Number four,
on the left. Next!


Turn around.

Hold it right there.


Oh, look, it's the fiance.

OFFICER: Put your bag down, please.

I should be on the list.

And I should be on American Idol,
but I can't sing for shit.


No Larry Bloom here.


Oh, this is from last week.

Where's this week's?

In another office.

Have a seat.

WOMAN OVER PA: When in the visitation
room, you're allowed two hugs,

one on arrival,
and one on departure.



Okay, try not to crowd around, ladies.
Come on, now.

Thank you.
MAN OVER PA: Itza Martinez again...

Thank you.

Can I have some gum?

Sorry. Can't do that. (CHUCKLES)
Inmates aren't allowed.

I get it. You can't
give special treatment.

It'd look funny.
Like I liked you.

Don't you?

Oh, my God, honey!

Oh, baby. Hey!

Oh! Hi.

That's enough.

Sorry. I'm so sorry I'm late.

No. It's fine.

I swear I was here,

but I think they were, like,
deliberately fucking with me.

No, whatever, it's fine.
You're here. Oh!

You look great!

I mean, who knew
you could rock orange?

Please. Come on!


and your face is
like all cheekboney.

Well, I haven't
eaten since Wednesday.


starving me out.


Oh, my God.

Do you have any change?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think so.
What do you want?

Literally anything. Go.


I don't think they work, honey.


No! No.

Inmate, step away
from the machine.

He just called you "inmate."

You too, sir.

(WHISPERING) This is her.
She did this.

Who? Who are you
talking about?

The woman who runs the kitchen.

What? Why are we whispering?

She's starving me out.
I insulted the food.

Oh, Piper.

Your foot in mouth disease?

I'm an idiot.

She's issued
a fucking fatwa against me.

I think I'm gonna
have to fight her.


How am I supposed to
prison-fight an old Russian lady

with back problems?

Hey, Piper, come on. You're not.
That's ridiculous.

You don't have to fight anybody. Okay?
Hey, hey, hey, stop. Stop.

GUARD: No touching.


It's gonna be okay.

All right?

Your commissary
money's coming, right?

I sent the check
the minute I left here.

Express mail.

Even if you have to
live off Snickers bars,

it's gonna be okay.

I hate that you're
seeing me like this.

At least I get to see you.

Tell me that you're
not watching Mad Men.


Promise me you're not
watching Mad Men without me,

that when I get out of here, we're
gonna binge watch it, together,

in bed, with take-out from...

Gertie's? (LAUGHS)

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Of course. 100%.


GUARD: Visiting hours
have come to a close.

Jesus. Really?
That was like two minutes.

Visitors, please make
your way to the exit.

We can hug again.


Once coming in, once going out.

Come here.


I love you, babe.





What is it?

Betty's dead.


RED: She was a good girl.

GINA: No one heard her go.

LUSCHEK: Get over it.
It's a freezer.

See, what happened here was a
breach in the main coolant line.

Big, nasty breach.

Ugly breach.
Bad, bad breach.

What's that smell?

That's the Freon.

Some people use it for huffing.

Makes for a super intense,
but short-lived high.

Similar to crack, uh,
but without the migraines.

Put those in ice water.
Don't stack those, Gina.

NICKY: Nice pussy.

Don't ask.

I don't intend to.

Thanksgiving's coming twice
this year, ladies.

Spread the word.

Okay, I understand
what you have to do.


I'm not a fighter.

Go ahead.

I'm a little busy here.
Pick up those rags.

I'm not going to swing first.


Just hit me and
get it over with.

I said I'm a little busy.

I'm not leaving
until you do it.


You want me to hit you?


Okay, get ready.

You called my food disgusting.

You're not getting hazed,
you're not getting harassed,

you're getting starved.

To death.

You'll leave Litchfield
as a skeleton in a body bag.


Now, march your yuppie ass
outta my kitchen.

Slowly, so you don't burn
too many calories.

So the third time,
same thing happens.

And the farmer looks at his
wife, then back at the penguin,

and finally the penguin goes,

"He's not an eggplant, man.
He's retarded."


You get it? 'Cause he...

We get it.

My brother was retarded.

Oh, so sorry to hear that.

You know, my husband's
a little slow.

Says he was dropped on his head

when he was born.
Just my luck.

They couldn't have dropped
him on his dick? (CHUCKLES)

I think I slept
wrong last night.

Should we call it
a short walk today, ladies?


Oh, you barely broke a sweat.

Oh, my son has
dentist appointment.

Oh, okay.

We're close to your house, no?

Yeah. Right over there.

Same time tomorrow?

We'll let you know.

Oh, shit!

Did no one think
to turn this off?


Where is his highness?

You're out of bounds.

Sir, I told her not to...

Jesus Christ!

I need a new freezer.

We can talk about
this later, Red.

You have been saying
that for three years.

We're dealing with a very
serious budget situation here.

Should I subdue the inmate?

The warden has been very clear
about spending this quarter.

You want me to walk?
I'll walk, happily.

Remember the last time I gave
back the keys to the kitchen?

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Ugh, like a dying animal
it smells in there.

A dying animal, or just a
man who eats your food?

Ugh with you, too.

That smells fantastic.
It's like fresh muffins.

Dried blueberries.

Twelve fuckin' pounds of 'em.

Funnest hobby ever.
You seen my headphones?

Uh, left drawer.

So you can put
anything in there?

Just about.

Peppermint, basil,
grapefruits, vanilla.

She won't do chocolate.

It never works.
Or popcorn.

We're making soap,
not Jelly Bellys.


You know, for Amy,
I think you'd want

something more along the lines

of sage, patchouli,
maybe eucalyptus?

Oh, she's allergic
to eucalyptus,

or she hates it.
I can't remember.

Really? Who hates eucalyptus?

Larry's mother. She thinks
they're "dirty trees."

You're still with that guy?

Thought you wouldn't
make it two months.

What? You said so, too.

They're moving in together.

Already? Shit.
You are still a lesbian.

I'm out, ladies.

You could sell these, you know.

At farmers markets,
little boutique stores.

I just kinda like making 'em.

I could be your partner.


This could be something.

I mean, this could
be a thing, Pol.

Market it right and package
it right, this is money.

I mean, it smells
so fucking good in here.

I can make this money.

I make lotions, too.

Yo, y'all got headphones
for movie night?

Sold the last pair
this morning.

That's some bullshit. I ain't
tryin' to watch no silent movie.

Sold out. Next.

Spanish ladies are calling you
La Llorona, the wailing lady.

Well, they would've
screamed just as loud

if someone handed them
a used tampon sandwich.

(SIGHS) Oh, yeah.

Or if they suddenly saw
an ex-girlfriend in prison.

Hey, what's her name? Alex?

What did she say to you?

Not a word. I just know
dyke drama when I see it.

CHANG: You gonna
buy something or not?

Yes. Hi, um, I should
have some credit here.

My fiance sent
a check on Wednesday.

Take seven day to process.

You can use mine. It's not
like you're going anywhere.

For food?

Fuck no.


Yo, Chang.


So, some rubber gloves.

Okay, so maybe
some cocoa butter?

Uh, cocoa butter?

Maybe like a sieve of
some kind. A strainer?

Okay. All right.
Yo, you got a strainer?

This is a cup.
Knock yourself out.

You know how often
I come by new weave?

You probably gonna look
like this till Christmas.

Uh-uh. I paid you seven bottles
of Pantene for this shit.

Ain't my fault you went
all UFC over a King Cone.

And if you call it
"shit" one more time,

you can take your
ass down to Danita.

How much to fix it?

PIPER: Excuse me?

Hi. I'm Chapman.

Yeah, that's me. Um...

I heard you might have
something that I need.

J. Crew is around the corner.


Yeah. Um...

Cocoa butter, or shea butter?
Do you have either of those?


I would just need
an ounce or two.

Ain't you the one
they're starving out?


(SCOFFS) You got some
fucked-up priorities.

We work on
a barter system here.

You know what
that means, right?


Three shower caps
or a round brush.

Whichever they
got at commissary.

Gladly. I will get them to you the
second that my money comes in.


Credit declined.


"Please" is for commissary
hoes and Oliver Twist.

Hold up. Some of us
tryin' to work here.

I got an idea.

But you ain't gonna like it.


Got that new 'do, Boo.


Chapman's going around
asking for weird stuff, Red.

What stuff?

She's trying to get her
hands on hot peppers.

You think she's gonna mace you?

I don't think so.

But if she does, worst case,
I'll get off my feet for a week.

No, but it wouldn't
hurt your feet.

It's an expression.
Mace burns your eyes.

(CHUCKLING) Jesus, God.


You okay, Chapman?

Tonight's movie will be

the airplane edit
of Good Luck Chuck,

which Roger Ebert
gives one star. 8:00 p.m.

Are you the new girl?

Yes, I am. Piper.

And you are?

Uh, Sue. It's short for Susie,
which is short for Suzanne.

like spicy food?


One of my girlfriends,
she was Mexican, real-talk.


She gone now,

but she left these.

I have nothing to
trade you for those.

People forget we was
all new here once.

It's good to know
you ain't alone.

LARRY: This feels awesome!

My senses feel heightened,
I'm like a fucking werewolf.


My skin is clear,
I'm lighter on my feet,

and in the bathroom
this morning...

Oh, please.

Epic. Even better than yesterday.
Lord of the Rings. (CHUCKLES)

What if we only did
this for five days?

You wanna cut it short?

Not cut it short. Just...


This was your idea.

Can we not make it a thing? This
doesn't have to be a thing.

It's not a competition.

I mean, you can't win
the Master Cleanse.

Can't I?

Here, drink up, love.

All right?

You'll feel better.


What is that?

You are not a werewolf.


What are you doing?

You fucker. Seriously?

It was all that we had.

Mr. Fox's Honey
Barbecue Pork Rinds?

They're baked.

Piper, we were
in this together.

I know, I'm sorry.

Oh, God.


You smell so good.

Oh, my God. Come here.


I totally win.


WOMAN OVER PA: Two, nine and
seventeen, dinner is now available.


Don't be so sad.

Poor little baby.

Dinner's in five.
I hear it's a big one.

Yum, yum.



Thank you, dead bitch.

Don't forget, ladies,

your usual meal
is 1,500 calories.

Ain't nobody got this.

It's that hotness.
Beware of overeating.

That new shit.

My hair is yellow as that
corn right there, girl.


No, no, no.
Look, I love these things.

I want extra.

Yeah, can I get some more corn?


Navi. Amy.

Forgot I even had this.

Oh, no thanks, love,
I'm too old for hooch.

Don't insult me.
Single malt. 12 year.

(EXCLAIMS) Jesus Christ!

And that was in '04.
It's only gotten better.

So have we.

Tell my ass.

Oh, no.


It's the one without culture.


And the penguin goes, "He's not
an eggplant, he's retarded."

It's fucking funny.

It's just not.


That awful dye job...

on your head make
me giggle though.




You popped her tit!

Oh, shit.

What the fuck were you thinking?
After all Ganya's done for us.

He loved those tits.

He'll get them back. There's plenty
more of them at the tit store.

Did you count to 10? You're
supposed to count to 10.

I never even wanted to
speak to those pizdy!

You made me.

Why did you do such a thing?

Because they left me out!
Because they made fun of me!

Because no matter how hard you
try and how much we want it,

there's the people
who serve the bread,

and the people
who eat the bread!

And for once, it would be nice
if you would be on my side.


I'm on your side, Galya.

I'm with you.

And together we gotta figure this
out, cause this is bad. Real bad.

How bad?

They want $60,000.

No boob job costs $60,000.

It's crazy.

This one does.

(SOBBING) I was...
I was just...

They're so mean.

So are the men they married.


They meaner.

I'm sorry, Dima.

We'll figure out something.

We always do.

It's okay.



She's busy.

This'll only take a second.

For your back.

It's jalapeno rub.

I made it myself.

The capsaicin in the peppers

creates heat which is good
for sore muscles,

and the cocoa butter
is gentle on the skin.

We have a similar product in our
line and my dad swears by it.

He's got sciatica.

These are wrong.
They should say "March."

You can go now.

OFFICER: Count time
starts now. Count time!


Line it up. Stop the chatter.

Count time!


Dorm A, one through 20.

GUARD: Get that
garbage out of there.

All good. Thank you, ladies.

All good.

COMMENTATOR ON TV: Wilson into left field.
Beautiful hit.

...eludes one tackler.
And he's brought down hard.

"One imagines
somewhere in an attic

"there's a painting of him
that's rapidly aging."

For a guy from Ad Age,
he can really write.

ROGER: He also says
you're married.

DON: Jesus. He never asked me that.
Did he check any facts?

ROGER: You didn't
give him any facts.

He had to make
some assumptions.

My job is to write ads, not go
around talking about who I am.

Who knows who you are?

This was supposed to be
an advertisement for the firm.

DON: Why do you
have so many copies?

ROGER: I bought one to read.

And I was going to buy one
to frame in reception.

CAPUTO: That new freezer
cost more than my car.

Freon leak, huh?

Most likely.

You know, huffers, addicts.
Anything to get high.

Anyone in here
huff that much Freon,

we'd have a body
to show for it.

Even you gotta know
when you're gettin' played.

WOMAN OVER PA: Catholic, Buddhist,
Jewish and Muslim services

will begin tomorrow
in the chapel at 9:00 a.m.


They said to give you this.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it worked?

It must've worked.

Your back cream?

She said it burned, it made her
smell like a Puerto Rican,

but you're good now.

Everyone saw how hard you worked.
"A" for Effort.



(CHUCKLES) It's not that good.


GINA: Next.
INMATE: Thank you.






Put that in.


What's in those?

You don't want to know.

It's fine.

This will make things
right for us.

This doesn't feel right.


We're fine.
We'll work it out.


I promise.



MAN ON TV: Have you
considered the possibility

the reason you haven't been
laid in the last decade

has something to do with your
routine use of the word "Trim"?

Yeah, seven days a week,
56 weeks a year, "Trim!"

That's my bad.

Where's your manners, shithead?