Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - I Wasn't Ready - full transcript

♪ I'll Take You There ♪
♪ by The Staple Singers ♪

I've always loved getting clean.

I love baths.

I love showers.

It's my happy place.

[buzzer goes off]

[shower sounds]
Was my happy place.

All inmates in B dorm must be checked for lice.

Repeat. All inmates in B dorm must be checked for lice.

[clears throat]

Oh. I'll be out in a sec, I swear.



Mmhm. I'll wait.

There best be some hot water left.

There wasn't very much when I started.

Mmhm.

Mm hurry.
[knocks on door]

Alright. Okay. Okay.

I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out.

There, them some nice titties.

[laughs]
Oh, thank you.

You got them TV titties.

They stand up on their own, all perky and everything.

[laughs]

Thanks.

[laughs]



You... know they sell flip-flops at the commissary.

My money's not in yet so...

You creative. I'll give you that, hot tits.

[laughs]

Now get the fuck out of the way.

Okay.

I know, ladies. Still got it.

Hey.

Ain't nobody cryin'.

Ain't nobody worryin'.

[shotgun pumped and fired while crickets chirp]

♪ The animals. The animals.♪

♪ Trapped, trapped, trapped, till the cage is full.♪

♪ The cage is full, the day is new. ♪

♪ And everyone is waitin', waitin' on you. ♪

♪ And you've... got... ♪

♪ time...! ♪

♪ Think of all the roads. ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings. ♪

♪Taking steps is easy. ♪

♪ Standin' still is hard. ♪

♪ Remember all their faces. ♪

♪ Remember all their voices. ♪

♪ Everything is different. ♪

♪ The second time around. ♪

[shotgun fired and cocked]

♪ And you've... got... ♪

♪ time...! ♪

♪ And you've... got... ♪

♪ time... ♪

[sliding door closed and locked]

So there's an entire pig in there.

Yes.

For four of us.

It's a small pig.

I really wanted to use the box. It was my birthday present.

She's guilty she's leaving.

It's a guilt pig roasting box.

At least you get something.

I'm not getting laid for a year too. But what do I get?

A baby?

You can't eat it.

[softly laughs]

Are we really gonna eat that?

It's thematic.

You're not serving time in Cuba.

Pigs. Cops.

How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow.

Prison. Not jail.

You're missing my shower.

Polly I'm really sorry.

I know.

You focus on how you're going to maintain your eyebrows behind bars.

You may not come back with a unibrow.

Am I allowed to cry?

No.

Seriously.

No.

[sighs]
Okay.

We are ready.

Everybody inside.

Need a hoist?

Yeah. Big girl.

[laughs]

On to the last supper.

[breathes in]
We gotta do it.

I know
[inhales]

[sighs]
Okay.

-We really shouldn't have eaten so much.
-I know.

Come on. We gotta rally.

Okay.

Make some memories.

[grunts]
You know?

Yeah.

We need some... Spank Bang material.

Oh. Well.

-I mean when you say it like that.
-Mmm...

[kissing sounds]

-Wait I got...
-What?

-I gotta pee.
-What?

No.

-Ya.
-Really?

-Just a stop.
-Oh.

-I'll be...

-I'll be right back.
-Ugh.

[creaking sounds]

Hey.

Yeah?

You look beautiful.

Thanks.

[sighs]

Ugh.

[burps]

[sighs]

[exhales]

[sighs]

Oh. Shit.

♪

[sobs]

[sniffles]

[inhales]

[exhales]

[toilet flushes]

What?

You look beautiful too.

♪

[coughs]

Come on.

Get in.

[sighs]

[kissing sounds]

Hey.

You're crying.

Shh...

To the one beat.

Piper.

Shut up.

Please.

Please.

Okay.

[kissing sounds]

♪

[brakes screech]

No visiting today.

Hi. Um... I'm here to surrender.

Oh. Okay then.

Did he look surprised to you?

When I said I was here to surrender?

Didn't he look surprised?

Like what the hell is she doing here?

-I... I didn't notice.
-Well he looked surprised to me.

I look like shit.

My eyes are all puffy.

You're worried about how you look?

Well there going to know I was crying. It's a sign of weakness.

Can't show any weakness. That's what all of the books say.

Oh sweetie...

Don't call me sweetie.

Oh... Leonard.

That's better.

Okay.

Can't take it with me.

Oh...

Oh. Okay. Right.

[sighs]

What are you doing?

Well...

What are y-y-you can't put that in your pocket, it's going to end up at the bottom of the washing machine.

Okay. Um...

-Where... Where would you like me to put it then, Piper?
-Up your ass.

There's no room. Apparently my head's already up there.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

[inhales]
You know what?

I'm gonna put it... in my wallet.

-Okay?
-Mmhm.

And... when I get home...

I will put it in your jewelry box.

Until I'm sure I'm red. Then I may hawk it. But...

I'll try to get it back before you're out.

You should go.

Okay.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Self surrender.

Yeah, well no one told me either.

Got the paperwork right here.

Name is... Chapman.

Yeah.

Chap.

Like when your lips get all dried, they're chapped.

Have a seat.

Piper. Rhymes with sniper.

[sighs]

You hungry?

Not really.

Eat anyway.

-It's barato.
-Oh...

Thank you.

[food wrapper crinkles]

My mother told her friends I'm doing volun...[snorts]...teer work in Africa.

Heh.

I bet they're all appalled you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous.

So I never carried drugs... just...

Money.

Y-you where a lesbian?

At the time.

You still a lesbian?

No. I'm not still a lesbian.

You sure?

I once kissed Mary Straily when I was at Ms. Porter's school.

But it wasn't for me.

Well...

Do you know about all this?

No.

No. No I-I didn't.

[clears throat]

I mean she told me how she traveled after collage but...

She failed to mention the lesbian lover...

Who ran an international drug smuggling ring. Imagine my surprise.

What on Earth did you do with the money?

Well... Grandmother I wasn't really in it for the money.

Oh Piper. For Heaven's sake.

So this is my last post as a free woman.

-Whatchu gonna right?
-Hey!

Uh-uh. Oh no.

You cannot have a phone in here. This is a federal facility. You have to take that out.

Oh. Can I...? Am I allowed to go out?

He can take it out.

So no?

No phone.

You knew that.

Now?

Oh my God. Larry, by the time I get out, there will've been like...

-Three new generations of iPhones.
-Sir.

I can get an officer to escort you out.

No. I'm going.

It's okay. I-I'm going.

Hey, I'll be right back okay?

I'll take the phone to the car. I'll be right back.

Okay? Two seconds. Yeah?

Okay.

[kisses]
Two seconds.

[door slams]

-Chapman.
-Yes?

Yes. That's me. Uh...

But you have to wait.

You tell me what I have to do?

Get your ass over here, Chapman. Now. Move it.

He's...He's going to be right back. We've been waiting here for two hours.

And the wait is over.

Here's your temporary ID.

You'll stick this on your uniform when we get to the...

-Here. Okay. You're in.
-There he is.

Who's this?

My fiancée.

Yeah? Good luck with that.

-Excuse me?
-Any personal items?

Here.

Can't take this cheque.

But we called last week and they told me to bring it.

He has to send it to Iowa. Takes a few weeks to process.

A-A few weeks?

-Doesn't she need to buy things?
-How it is.

Where do we send it?

Hey you got that Iowa address?

Any Nudie Judies in here skin picks. Naughty stuff.

No.

No Nudie Judies.

Time to say goodbye. Might be a while before he can visit fiancée.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

-I'll call you as soon as I can.
-Okay.

Okay? Please send that cheque immediately.

-Okay. I will.
-I wuv you.

Please keep my website updated.

I love you so much.
[sniffles]

It's okay.

[sniffles]

[kissing sounds]

Bye.

[door slams]

What size shoe are you?

Nine and a half. Ten.

These are kinda like Tom's.

Who's Tom?

Tom's are shoes.

When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need.

-They're great. And... they come in lots of different colors and...

How nice.

Strip.

♪

Get over here.

[mouths "Come here"]

Are you gonna miss me?

Yes.

Too much.

Come with me.

What?

Keep'em bawling.
[switches off music]

Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket.

Are you serious?

Yes.

[kisses]

Come with me.

Quit your job.

Come with me.

Like... I...

I'd have to give notice.

[laughs]
Fucking waitress. You don't have to give them notice.

[kisses]
Will I get in trouble?

God I hope so.

[laughs]

[moans]

You know what I mean.

You don't have to do anything.

You're just there to keep me company.

Alright?

[kisses]

[sighs]

Come on. Baby, I want you to come.

And I want you to cum.

Yes?

-Is that a yes?
-Yes.

[kisses]

Yes.

Open your mouth. Stick out your tongue.

Lift up your arms.

Turn around.

Squat.

Spread your cheeks and cough.

Seriously?

[coughs]

That it?

One more coming. Hold on.

My zipper's broken.

First time down?

My first time here?

No. Your first time in prison.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's not so bad.

Everyone's okay.

You've gotta watch out for the stealing.

Eh, what's your name?

Eh, your last name. Everyone uses last names here.

I'm Morello and that is Watson.

Chapman.

Uh, how much time you got Chapman?

15 months.

Aw, that's not so bad.

I got 34.

But I'm hoping with good time there'll be less.

Y-You... So you're a...

They let you drive?

Well, who else is gonna do it?
[laughs]

We do everything around here.
[laughs]

Hey can I ask you somethin'?

You look like you'd know.

Alright. Which dress do you like better?

My top two favs are the ones where they have a half lid stuck to the paper.

See, I want something that's going to express my personality...

And its ricus.

I wanna show off the boobs...

The ass... But I'm not so happy with the upper arms and stomach...

So. There's your challenge.

Both, nice.

That's all you've gotta say?

I've gotta look good.

My first dance is gonna go on Youtube.

Look!

I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball.

No.

It's my Lance Armstrong rock.

[laughs]

Hold it up. Lemme see, lemme see.

Nice.

Okay, now lick it softly and tenderly like you would've when you thought he was clean.

-Oh, Jesus shut that thing off.
-You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral.

-Seriously. Shut it off.
-What?

I'm so fat from all the stress eating. I really don't want a record of it.

You know that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison.

I'm gonna get... ripped.

Like Jackie Warner ripped.

And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wishlist...

And maybe even learn to craft.

You know? I could be crafty.

I'm gonna make it count Larry.

I'm not gonna...

Throw away a year of...

My life... What the hell are you looking for?

[clears throat]

Oh no.

What is that?

Paper.

Oh Jesus Larry. Why would you want...

Why would I want a felonious...

Former lesbian...

WASP shiksa who's about to go to prision to marry me?

Yes. And all of the stress eating...

Well... because...

This... peculiar...

Underachieving...

Underemployed Jew boy...

Loves her.

And...

Knows that he will never be bored...

And...

Can't believe...

How lucky he is that he met her.

I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes.

I love you.

You wanna marry me?

When I get out, right?

Whenever you want.

I'll be so ripped.

[laughs]
I'll be so ripped.

[laughs]

You can wear a... wedding dress that's like a...

Like a half shirt, you know?

Show off those abs.

Yeah.
[laughs]

This for the grandmothers?

No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. This is my...

Great aunt Marcia's.

She had thyroid cancer and a series of Schnauzers...

All named Schnapps.

That's all I know.

Put it on.

I had it sized.

Good.

[sniffles]
-It's beautiful!

And that's a yes, right?

Yeah.

Will you say that o- just one more time for me?

And... This time...

Just lean to the camera for the photo.

Oh you asshole!
[laughs]

-Come on, I haven't captured the moment! What?
-Turn it off!

Give me that!
[laughs]

[kisses]
Oo, you're cold. Here.

Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm.

Thanks.

You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out?

Yeah he'll be there.

I'm the love of his life.

34 months is a long time.

Yeah, but she's the love of his life.

[scoffs]
And who the fuck asked you.

Head on out.

[doors slam shut]

Alright. So his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses

There's gonna be 6 bridesmaids. My cousin's being a bitch...

So I'm thinking about dropping her.

[doors squeak open]

[doors slam shut]

Alright. Let's go.
[doors slam shut]

Alright. Let's go.

[wolf whistle]

[murmuring]

[laughter]

[sizzling sound]

[buzzer goes off, door unlatches]

Hello, Miss Claudette.

Morello.

You watch out for that one.

Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady.

But you don't wanna get on her bad side.

Go ahead. Go.

Okay, I gotta send you all to other processing. You've got your room assignments...

And I'll meet you back here, show you your bunks.

Okay?

Don't look so bummed. It'll give you wrinkles.

Alright. Raise your head and look at the lens.

Ah, crap.
[smacks table]

New guy.

What's your name? Bennett?

Bennett, it's not fucking working again.

-Did you turn it on?
-Yeah. I turned it on.

[clears throat]

[typing sounds]
Wait I think I got it.

Ready?

Yeah. Yep.

[error sound]

Wait, no.
[error sound]

-What does this button do?
-No! Don't touch that.

Sorry, princess.

There's a cord right there. D-Do you think that that needs to be connected to something?

Shut your mouth and stand still.

[beep]

-She's right.
-Okay, fine.

[shutter sound]
Got it.

You... I wasn't ready.

Tough shit. Next!

This is a TB test.

Nice veins.

No track marks!

Thanks.

Tattoos?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fish. You like fish?

Saw it on a scuba diving trip.

Thought it was beautiful.

Mm. I don't like fish.

I like pork, chicken.

But, uh... It's a pretty fish.

Thanks.

It's gonna rub off when I sweat.

No, it won't. It's waterproof.

Stop.

So when this dries...

Should be good to go.
[kisses]

How am I gonna get it off?

Acetone.

Alright Alex, I don't... I don't know if I can...

Hey...

Hey, hey, hey...

Shh...

[inhales, exhales]

You, are a nice...

Young lady, aren't you?

A proper young lady.

[inhales, exhales]

Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage lane.

Before heading on to her mid-range hotel to go over her schedules.

Museum visits... and fancy dinners.

It's all fine.

It's all good.

And I will meet you in Brussels and everything will work out perfectly, babe. I promise.

It's all gonna be okay.

Are you okay?

Fine.

I guess.

[papers rustle]

What's Po-pey?

Popey.

It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend Polly.

Polly and Piper. Popey.

We're gonna be in Barney's.

Barney's?

It's a nice store.

[papers rustle]
It's a pretty big case.

Criminal conspiracy.

That's what they charged me with.

I carried a suitcase of money.

Drug money.

Once.

Ten years ago.

What's that Statute of Limitations on that?

12 years.

That's tough.

Well...

I did it.

That one time.

10 years ago.

What did your lawyers say?

Except with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes...

He wouldn't recommend risking a trial so I pleaded out.

And here you are.

Here I am.

Costing the tax payers money... and...

Sweating in my armchair.

Y'know. I've been here for 22 years and I still can't figure out how the system works.

I've got a crack dealer who's doing 9 months...

And then I have a lady who accidentally backed into a mailman...

Who's doing 4 years.

I mean the guy broke his collarbone. But come one.

I just don't get it.

[gulps]

Are you gonna barf?

Tell me if you're gonna barf because there's a can behind you.

I won't barf.

I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can.

Not gonna barf.

Ms Chapman.

No one's gonna mess with you here...

Unless you let them.

This isn't Oz...

Women fight with gossip and rumors.

They might peg you for rich... and...

Try to hit you up for a commissary.

And there are lesbians.

They're not gonna bother you...

They'll try to be your friend...

Just stay away from them.

I want you to understand...

You do not...

Have to have...

Lesbian sex.

I have a fiancée.

Oh.

His name is Larry. He's a writer.

Can he come visit me?

-Is he in here?
-Yes, everybody's in there.

All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit.

He can come this weekend.

I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room.

Thank you so much, Mr. Healy.

You just keep to yourself.

And you'll be fine.

And don't make friends.

And remember...

Nothing... goes on here...

That I don't know about.

You know everything about me.

I d... I tell you everything!

What the webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. How do I not know this?

What was I supposed to say? It was...

It was a phase.

It was my... lost soul...

Post college, adventure phase.

I...

I was so embarrassed. I can't...

I can't believe that she did this.

I can't believe you did this.

I mean who are you? I-I...

Feel like I'm in a-a Borne movie. Have you killed?

[sobs]

Jesus. I don't know.

Baby. Stop, stop, stop.

Come on. Come here.

[shushes]

Okay.

You should break up with me.

-What?
-You didn't sign up for this.

Okay. Stop it, stop it. Come on...

Shh... It's okay.

Okay?

Witness states Piper Chapman carried drug money.

Piper Chapman was part of the ring.

Were you?

I was 22!

I thought that I was in love.

I was in love.

And it...

Was all crazy. And then it got...

Scary.

And I ran away...

And I became the nice blond lady that I was supposed to be.

I knew...

That she wasn't a good person. But...

Fuck her.

Fuck her.

This is not gonna be okay.

-No.
-No.

-It's not.
-Mm-mm.

But we'll deal with it.

Okay?

We'll figure it out.

Have you called a lawyer?

[inhales]
I'll call my dad.

No, no. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me.

Yeah. Well...

I love you.

And...

And he loves me.

So...

Here we go.

Alright we gotta hustle 'cause the count's soon.

Uh, room up there... Dorms are down there.

Now you are not allowed down there.

It's out of bounds for you guys until you got son there. You understand?

Ah! Namaste, Jones!

Namaste.

She teaches yoga, if you ever want. And she's good.

She's very spiritual.

Alright we got some offices here...

This is the... dining hall... common room... counselor's office...

Who-who you got for a counselor?

Um, Healy.

Okay, yeah.

What?

Oh... it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's the good thing.

When do we get outfits like everybody?

I dunno... maybe...

Tomorrow... after breakfast... you go down and you speak to a lady...

[slap]
[gasps]

What the fuck?

Friend of yours?

No.

It's... It's my mom.

Alright. Chapman, Diaz...

This is you.

Uh, De Marco, this is Chapman.

She's new. So surround her you show her what's what?

Sure.

Okay, Mendoza this is Diaz, hm? Go, go. She'll help you.

Be with you in a sec. Just gotta finish here.

Um... uh, I don't speak Spanish.

Great, another fucking coconut.

What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish.

Here you go.

Here's some tissues.

It's always nice to always have.

And... a toothbrush.

They don't give you one.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything.

Aw. No, no, it's no problem.

We look out for our own.

Our own?

Oh don't get all pissy on me. It's tribal.

Not racist. I'll see you around.

[fading footsteps]

Come your name again?

Piper.

Chapman.

That's Ms. Rossa.

And that's Nichols.

Just got out of SHU, a week ago.

Told the CO, to kiss her ass.

Dumb.

Why make trouble for yourself, y'know?

SHU... that's solitary?

Yep. And you don't want it honey.

Trust me.

Here's some toilet paper.

Gotta take it with you.

Thanks.

What's that thing?

Oh. That's my machine.

I need it at night.

When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack.

You know 'bout the count?

Wait, can you go back to the heart attack?

I don't like to dwell.

How do I make a phone call?

You need a pack number.

Fill out a form, over the morrow.

But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later.

It helps, if you cry.
[clicks tongue]

Don't make your bed!

What?

We'll make it for you.

Oh no, that's okay. You don't need to do that.

Honey.

We'll... make...

The... Bed.

You know how?

I know how to make a bed.

You know how to do it so we'll pass inspection.

You can help clean.

We clean everything with Maxi pads.

Seriously?

Yep. It's a head scratcher but... that's what we got.

-So we make our beds in the morning, before they count.
-No.

You sleep on top of the bed, with the blanket over you.

What if I want to sleep in the bed?

Look. You can do what you want.

But you will be the only one in this entire prison that does.

You want that?

[dusts hands]
Be my guest.

Count bed! Count bed! Count bedly!

[grunts]

That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be.

And you don't move, until it goes off.

Dinner's after.

[feet hit floor]

Hey blanca.

You speak Spanish?

A little bit. I understand more than I can speak.

You see?

Fucking white girl, speaks Spanish.

[chain jingles]

[counter clicks]

[snaps]

-So...
-Shh...

[counter rapidly clicks]

Dinner's at 4:30?

Recount, ladies!

[whispers]
Ugh! They alway screw it up!

How hard is it to fucking count?

Nicky, this is um...

Piper. Uh... Chapman.
[scoffs]

Look at you blondie. What d'you do?

Aren't you not supposed to ask that question?

I read that you're not supposed to ask that.

You read that?

What? You're gonna study for prison?

[laughs]

[counter rapidly clicks]

What did you do?

I can't understand your French.

Mon bag...

Bag. My bag hasn't arrived.

Oh the bags. They don't make it onto the right flight sometimes.

Wait for the next shuttle for Paris. It's probably on that plane.

♪

[buzzer goes off, machine clanks]

Oh!

Mon bag!

My bag.

Thank you! Thanks a lot! For your help!

Hello.

[gasps]
Hello.

[kisses]
Welcome to Belgium.

[kisses]
All good?

[inhales]
I was starting to worry. Where did you come from?

Over there.

You didn't go through customs?

No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here.

You!
[whispers]Skipped customs!

Holy shit!

-That's genius!
-Well should I go back?

Fuck no! We're going to the hotel!

I'm gonna eat you for dinner.

Alex, I was so freaked out when the baggage drop off lemmings bailed.

Well it's a good thing you didn't.

There's over 50 grand in that bag.

Kruger woulda had you killed.

[whispers]
Come on!

Keep moving! You're blocking up the works.

Okay. Go sit there, she's a nice white lady.

Thanks.

Hi.

Is it okay if I sit here?

Sure, newbie.

I'm Jones.

Chapman.

You doin' okay, Chapman?

You know, I don't really know how to answer that question.

Everything's... pretty surreal right now.

Do you know what a mandala is?

Um...

Those are those round Buddhist art things.

The Tibetan monks...

Make them out of dyed sand...

Laid out into big, beautiful designs.

And when they're done, after days or weeks of work...

They wipe it all away.

Wow. That's... That's a lot.

Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman.

Work hard.

To make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can.

And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary.

You have to remember that.

It's all temporary.

[softly]
It's all temporary.

I'm telling you, surviving here...

Is all about perspective.

Don't eat the pudding.

What's the perspective on the pudding?

It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm".

Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it.

Hi there.

Hey. Hi, sister.

This is Chapman.

Sister, as in nun?

Mmhm.

Yep, a killer nun.

Oh, now stop it.

She doesn't know you're joking.

She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site.

Amen.

So. Now. Chapman.

What's your story?

I chained myself to a drug dealer.

Piper.

Can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippy.

By all means.

Seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher.

I pray for you, Nicky.

Oh. I pray for you too, sister.

I lust after you, yoga Jones.

Those sinewy arms...
[laughs]

Gotta love a yoga body.

You should come to class, watch me chaturanga.

That whole common room smells like fart.

It kinda takes away the magic for me.

You like pussy, Piper?

Or do you prefer pipes as your name suggests?

I'm feeling some sapphic vibes comin' off of you.

Oh, leave her alone.

[sniffles]

Come on, sister. You know you woulda gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus.

Thank you, mommy.

Thanks, Red.

Thanks, Red.

She's your mum?

Ah, maternal figurehead.

My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paulo...

Who destroys rainforests and collects photos of realistic art.

She is a cunt. I'm an embarrassment.

Heya, Red. Got one of those for me?

You got what I asked you for?

Uh... workin' on in it.

So am I.

Treats come when I sleep better.

How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop?

Ugh. People.

Who's this?

Oh, this is Chapman. She's new.

Self-surrender.

Think she's fancy.

Here.

Fancy.

Have a yogurt.

What do I have to do for it?

You're new. You're one of us.

Consider it a gift.

Thank you.

Thank you so much!

[whispers]
The food here is disgusting.

What?

Red mention that Red runs the kitchen?

Shit.

I'm sorry.

Lie.

I know you just got here so you don't know what's what.

But I'm gonna tell you.

You don't like the food...

It's no problem.

♪

Holy shit.

That was an epic fuck up.

Can I help you?

Um...

I'm Chapman.

I'm new today.

They told me I should talk to you if I don't... have a...

pack number...

Who's they?

Mr. Caputo...

Please let me call me fiancée.

Let him know that I'm okay.

Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it.

Close the door. I don't want to run out my office.

[door shuts]

[clears throat]
Dial 9 to get out.

[dial tone]

[phone rings]

Hello? Larry's phone.

-Amy?
-Piper?

Gimme the phone.

One second. Can I say hello?

Amy, I only have two minutes to talk.

Are you okay? What's it like in there?

Howard and I brought Chinese.

Larry is so upset.

-Let him talk, Amy.
Come on, gimme the phone.

Amy, please let me talk to Larry.

You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison...

-She foraged for dandelions.
-Okay. Um, please?

-I was talking!
-Maybe it's not always about you dear.

What's that supposed to mean?

-Piper.
-I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office.

Hey. Are you- Are you okay? What's going on?

I love you so much.

[laugh]
I love you too. Are you okay?

I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people.

Huh. Are you joining the Aryan Nation?

I don't know.

But there's a nun here and you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it.

That's weird.

I know, right? And when I got here they gave me these little... uh...

Bars of hotel soap and no shampoo.

But I think that I can borrow some.

From other... white people...

I love you so much!

[inhales]
One of my roommates had a massive heart attack when she got here.

Okay.

You are not allowed to have a heart attack.

What did you have for dinner?

Something my folks brought from the palace.

Oh... The palace...

Did you have a scary liver?

And I insulted he chef.

And...

You're not supposed to eat the pudding because it's been to Desert Storm.

Piper, listen to me, you cannot lose your shit.

Okay? I mean it, please.

Please tell me you're keeping it together, please?

[inhaales] Please tell me you're okay?

Wrap it up, Chapman.

I'm... I'm Chapman here.

You're my Pipes.

Okay? And uh... I love you. And...

[inhales] This is only temporary.

That's what yoga Jones said.

But it's just been one day and I can't...

I can't.

Piper, you can. You so can. Okay? You, you, you...

Are so strong, babe. You...
[inhales]

And you love adventure right? That's what got you in there and that's, that's...

What's going to get you through this. It's all just a- a big adventure.

With liver, and uh... yoga Jones.

And, and, and... racism.

You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday.
[inhales]

Tell my mother to come on Saturday, and don't tell her you're coming on Friday, okay?

Of course. Okay.

Tue sleeps.

That's it. Two sleeps...

On top of your bed...

And then, I will be there.

Come on up on lights out.

Say goodbye.

[whispers]
I have to go.

Hey, no crying.

[whispers]
I'm Not crying.

Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday.

Please, be brave.

Don't let anyone into your granny panties.

-I love you.
-I love you.

Your head's not here yet.

Don't worry, it'll catch up.

In the mean time...

Try to get some sleep.

Before orientation...

Which is tomorrow at 9...

Shampoo for you.

I think the words you're looking for are thank you.

Thank you.

Good night, Chapman.

Close the door behind you.

[door slams shut]

♪

Chapman.

-Hey, Chapman.
-What?

-Rise and shine.
-What, what?

You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up.

Aw... look at your eyes.

You should put some cold water on 'em.

Okay. Thanks.

Take a nice shower, and get dressed...

And you'll start to feel normal soon enough.

Got flip-flops?

No.

Oh, honey.

There's wicked fungus in the showers.

♪

[shower sounds]

Ain't nobody cryin'.

Ain't nobody worryin'.

You drivin' me crazy!

[Spanish]

[door squeaks open]

-Boo!
-Ah!

♪

Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast.

I'm telling you. It'll all start to feel normal soon. Really.

You hungry?

-I'm starving.
-Excuse me.

Such pretty hair.

When those roots start to show be sure to come and see me okay?

I'll take good care of you.

But even if you don't come to me...

Don't go to Denita.

She'll burn your shit out of your scalp.

Go. Line's moving.

Hey, Chapman. Are you Chapman?

Yes.

Red said she made that special for you.

Wow! Thanks!

Tell her I said... Thanks.

I don't say nothin'. I'm just workin'. Next.

Man, I'm tellin' you.

Before my teeth got knocked out I had this awesome gap...

Now they look like Chiclets! Look!

You're crazy if you think you're beautiful...

That you'll never get the food stuck in 'em...

So you got the nice, fresh breath all the time...

It's minty, and it's beautiful, it's like...

God put them in you every day.

Summer breeze is coming over here.

[mumbling and laughing]

♪
Oh.

Oh what did you do?

She insulted the food in front of Red.

Oh, jeez. I don't think you'll be eating for a while.
[laughs]

Oh. Put it away.

I'm enjoyin' menopause very much. Thank you. Whoo!

You gotta think of how to make things right with Red.

Oh, and yeah. You gotta go down to laundry. Don't forget that.

And check the elastic on all the pants.

Mm. Don't let the give you stretched out garbage.

Oh. Orientation starts in 10 minutes.

At least you had a nice shower this morning, right?

Think I saw you in there?

[laughs]

Um... I...

I don't... I don't know... Um...

Excuse me.

Eh, eh, eh. Don't forget. You gotta brush your tray.

[laughter]

Where's she goin' with that tray.

Get the girl out of here!

Eh, she'll figure it out.

Did she go in the shower this morning?

[hyperventilating]

Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh?

[screams]

♪ Chances ♪
♪ by Jill Barber ♪