Only Jokes Allowed (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Celeste Ntuli - full transcript
[theme music playing]
[host] Everyone,
please welcome onto the stage
the wonderful Celeste Ntuli!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Hello!
Hi!
-I'm feeling myself.
-[audience cheers]
I just lost weight and I was like,
"The tide must be out!"
That's what we do.
I know some of you are like,
-"Fuck you stink, fat, fuck you."
-[audience laughs]
It was rough. Now this is an improvement.
So don't judge too much.
Yo, I nearly died. Lockdown.
Ah, thank you, lovey.
That's all, that's the point.
Lockdown nearly killed me. Proper.
I was 137 KGs. I can't believe
I am telling the world this. Yes.
Yes, I know. I was like, "Jesus."
Yes, and also as a big girl,
who's a superstar. Oh, yeah.
Don't tell me you are confused about that.
[audience applauds and cheers]
I mean, you are there. I am here.
What are you still questioning?
What is this?
So as a big girl
who's a superstar, I just, somehow,
it's not my intention.
Anyone, who is coming
from a disadvantaged background,
you just-- the minute you make it,
you're representing everyone.
So I found myself now,
"How come I'm a minister of fat people?
How is this?
When did this happen?"
And I know,
don't worry, this is not a comedy set
of a fat comedian
who's feeling sorry for herself. No.
-I mean you can see.
-[audience laughs]
I'm very confident.
And this is what else I hated, the fact
that when I was at that age, that's
the compliment I got, which was fucked up.
That's not even a compliment.
It's a complaint.
When people say you are confident,
what the fuck do you mean?
You are not saying, "Nice dress.
I love red." Some shit like that.
"I'm confident." That's not a compliment.
That's a complaint.
You are saying, "You have
no business wearing what you are wearing.
But, we are here now and you voted.
What are we going to do?
We are scared of you,
you are big and confident."
That's what that shit says.
You can't tell me,
"I went to the designer,
did my shit, and then I'm confident."
Now what the fuck do you mean?
I want to hear, "I'm pretty. I'm sexy."
And all those things.
So I had to lose weight, I had to.
I know, because as a big girl,
I'm representing all other big girls,
and I know about body shaming
and all those things, but when the
doctor said the heart is about to stop.
-I think it's your cue to stop.
-[audience laughs]
That's a cue to stop!
Because I mean, now, if you can't wake up,
how are you going to wake up to work now?
I had to lose weight.
I had to lose weight for that
and the fact that
I couldn't do the things that I like.
So I'm telling all the big girls,
if you find yourself
in an uncomfortable position, don't be
held up by the representation of
plus size, plus what-the-fuck that shit.
I turned 42 and I realized I couldn't
do the things that I enjoy.
I couldn't, you know,
I'm a flexible somebody, you know?
I know. I know.
And as a South African Zulu girl,
that is required.
Because there's a new dance
coming in every fucking six months.
Otherwise you're going to find yourself…
without moves.
So I had to lose weight,
I couldn't walk up the stairs.
I was like, "No, this is not me.
This is is not me." And also,
I couldn't do "woman on top."
[audience laughs]
There's no way. That's my winning style.
I still have hope,
because I'm holding on to that.
Now I couldn't do it.
Now I had to have an assistant,
because when I was going down
the stomach went first.
And I was like,
"Where are you going, wena?
They don't want you."
So I had to wear high heels, you know.
Today I'm wearing them,
because of, to prove to you
this is not, these are my bedroom heels.
-[cheering from audience]
-Yeah.
I have those. Some--
I even have 14-inch. People are like,
"Where do you wear those?" In the bedroom.
I thought, I thought pornography
were doing it for the aesthetics.
No, it works.
Because what happens is
that your body's up like this.
So when you go down,
what your mama gave you goes down.
Never say I've never told you anything.
So I had to lose weight.
I had to lose weight
and the bed is 220 KG's.
So at 137,
as a single girl
looking for a very strong, sexy,
West-African-looking, nice, tall,
you know, Kofi Siriboe man.
Yes, I believe in Black love.
Fuck what you've heard.
No, I-- there's no way
that package comes in 80 KGs and down.
So I had--
the calculation was not working.
So I had to lose weight.
And the realization of that I need a man,
I must say to all Black women,
fuck what they're telling us.
Don't buy what they're selling.
This whole shit,
"We are alone. We are strong.
We are mbokodo's,
we don't need a man." Fuck you too!
White women are feminist halfway.
They don't go all the way with us.
They talk about salaries and they go back.
They never say shit about their men.
Not that their men are saints.
They are the most
fucking worst human beings,
at some point, history tells me.
[audience laughs]
But you've never-- in South Africa
we call ourselves "bogoto's."
Do you know what bogoto means?
A bogoto is a fucking rock
that is ugly, found by the river.
There's nothing good do about it.
It's stuck in the dirt and it's there.
Why will I identify like that? No.
Winnie Mandela
didn't like what she went through.
No, now come, we can't multiply that.
We must multiply love
and kindness
and softness to our Black women.
-Because… no…
-[audience cheers and applauds]
White women don't do that shit.
We call our men trash every day.
"Men are trash, men are trash."
White women never call their men trash,
through colonization, racism, everything.
All I'm saying is Verwoerd
will kill someone and still get a blowjob.
[Celeste] How was that working out?
[audience laughing]
So I'm saying,
let's wake up on that sense.
So I do need a man. I went up online,
I'm like, "Okay, let me check this thing."
Because you know, it's lockdown,
you can't go out and see people.
So I logged online, fuck, the algorithms,
so I was like, "Oh, fuck me. Is this me?"
So that means I am over the age
of getting my dream-dream-dream man.
These algorithms have no rhythm.
There're my people that you're comparing
with me, I'm like, "Haibo! Who's this?"
Sixty-five to 70, haibo!
I'm 42, looking like a 25-year-old.
Like, come on.
I was like, "No, no, no, no."
But then I understood, because you know,
I'm no longer
at the age where I'm praying,
"God grant me the serenity to…
to accept the things
I cannot change, the courage…
and the wisdom
to know the difference." Fuck it.
I know what is ahead now.
I know what is ahead. I'm not going to
get my dream, I'm going to get divorcees.
I'm going to get divorcees with kids.
But you know, look at a positive side.
Divorcees with kids, I mean,
as a big girl, I know a thing
or two about combo's. There's a discount.
I date you today. Tomorrow I'm a parent.
And believe me, divorcees are good.
For your ego and for yourself.
Yes. He's middle-aged,
the first wife did the job.
They took his house, they took his car.
His brother fucked his wife.
All I'm saying,
he's humbled by the experience.
[audience laughs]
Even his family are like,
"Thank God, he's got someone."
So you become a hero.
It's nice.
I don't have to be swelling
and diapers and shit at 42.
I'm just a stepmother.
Picking up, dropping.
Picking up, dropping.
Making sure he doesn't
meet the ex-wife who's a whore, I mean,
that's my job.
That's my only job. Oh, wait,
and the blowjob, but that's my job.
That's what I'm saying, like,
I realize we do need a man.
And also sometimes people don't get that
we-- being independent is addictive.
They don't say this a lot.
Coming from a rural areas and hustled
with a high school certificate
and making White people laugh.
I'm successful.
So I'm enjoying my house.
I bought a leather couch.
Corner couch.
I'm having nice curtains, shit like that.
It smells nice, I'm burning incense, now.
No more imphepho. I'm up.
[audience laughs and applauds]
It's good, it smells nice,
you have this date.
You know you have a date, but it's like,
"Oh, maybe. You know. Let me see."
And then the thing is,
what is a date if you have your
wine glass
and you're drinking your expensive wine?
And the wine glass is expensive, 300.
Your mum will kill you.
But you are committed
to the soft life. I mean, we've--
we know poverty.
What else is going to happen?
So you are there relaxing,
about to have this date.
You're like,
"Okay, let me kill some time.
And watch myself some Netflix. You know
what I'm saying? Bridgerton and learn
a thing or two
about relationships in English."
That's what happens with Bridgerton,
as a Zulu girl, you're like,
"What the fuck?"
We didn't go that far at school.
What is this?
"As they promenade down…"
What is promenade? Pause.
And the thing about Netflix,
you all think you're going to watch
only two episodes. Uh-uh.
Wake up at episode number ten.
This sound is fucking hypnotic.
[imitates Netflix theme sound]
[imitates Netflix theme sound]
You're like, "Shit, the time is coming."
[imitates Netflix theme sound]
You can't leave the episode.
And the phone starts to ring.
[imitates Netflix theme sound
and ringing phone]
And as a Zulu girl, we're like,
"Oh, is that DJ Maphorisa
and Kabza De Small?"
They can mix this.
Throw in Busiswa
and then we are good to go.
[imitates a mixture of the
Netflix theme sound and phone ring tone]
And Busiswa goes, "Nangu Busiswa!"
No, but you're like,
"Okay, let me pick it up."
[whispering] "I'm sorry,
I've got arthritis." You lying.
You don't want to go.
And that's another problem,
these first dates when you are this age.
You have questions
that you have never asked before.
I'm asking questions
I've never asked before now.
I'm asking things that are very important.
I don't ask shit like, "What's
your qualifications? Who's you mother?"
I mean, if you are 50 and dumb,
what am I going to do?
There's no use for qualifications now.
You-- this is you.
This is the location. We are here.
So I'm like, "Okay,
I'm going to take it as it is." You know.
Now you ask questions that are
important to you. "Do you have diabetes?
Arthritis?
High blood--" Hey! Men do get old.
People love men to get old
and they pretend it's only women
that do get old. Men do get old!
We see the balls dropping,
we're like, "Mm-hmm, yeah."
Prostate cancer.
Check, check, baba, check.
They do get old. That's why I don't
give a fuck about trying to be perfect.
I'm 42 now. You want to suck a nipple?
Suck it where you find it.
[exclaims] I promise it's a nipple!
Forget about the location, it's a nipple.
You mean
you can't pick up a boob, one boob?
You can pick up a whole fucking cement.
Pick this one boob. Relax.
Hey, no, no, no. I don't do that anymore.
I do not do that anymore.
And, knowing that
this is who I am,
people have to deal with this.
No, I'm very comfortable-- Hey, you,
you're coming from far, you're like…
you're nodding all the time.
[Celeste laughs]
No, I learned a lot about lockdown,
so I have changed my ways. And
I've learned that Black people are happy.
Guys, we are happy.
Hey, pandemic was happening,
Chinese were cleaning, sanitizing.
White people were counting who's dying,
who's about to die.
Indians were looking for profit.
Black people were just,
[sings] "Jerusalema,
Ikhaya lami--"
There everyone was dancing.
That's why I always say,
when they say Black people
are depressed, "Hmm, it's questionable."
We've been through a lot.
We are not depressed, we are deprived.
You know what I mean. If you have a
trust fund, you are depressed. I'm sorry.
Go see someone.
Tonight we are not depressed. We are broke
and brokenhearted.
All I'm saying is,
change the constitution,
give us the land
and money, and check us in ten years.
[member of audience] Yeah!
-[Celeste] Whether we are still depressed.
-[audience cheers and applauds]
No. I'm not depressed.
This is the thing about being 40.
I'm at the age, I don't give a fuck.
I say shit that I like it. [chuckles]
I love it so much.
And at this age
you are confident about everything.
You are confident in your sexuality.
You know, even sex. You're like, "Yeah."
You don't do it like 25.
You are no longer waiting for Lobola.
Fuck it. It's cold. [grunts] You are here.
And the shit thing is
that at this age you know sex
and you find
that men are still struggling.
I read that men dissected 20 bodies.
Twenty bo-- Yes, women bodies.
They are still finding the G-spot.
I'm like, "Dissect?" I'm Zulu
and I don't have much qualifications, but
I know the severity of the word dissect.
Looking for a G-spot. I'm like,
"Men don't listen."
You guys are busy with this movement,
this is a wrong movement.
[audience laughs]
This is a gynecologists' movement.
This is not your movement.
And I love this joke,
because only women are laughing.
[screeching laughter from audience]
And men are going to
ask these questions on the way home.
"Why were you laughing that hard?" Yes!
Because you are missing the fucking mark.
Why are you doing that?
That shit is not in there!
This shit is not inside,
it's on top, it's outside!
It's here in front of you!
Have a "Van Damme" movement.
"Wax on, wax off, outside.
Wax on, wax off." That's what we want.
Forget about this movement.
I'm sure that's why Indian women
have a dot when they get married.
It's a GPS for G-spot.
"Follow the spot, Rajesh.
Follow the spot, uncle."
That's why we can't even date mechanics.
I tried, I fucked around
and I dated a mechanic guy.
I was in shit.
I thought I had cancer.
I went to the doctor, I was crying.
It was a mess. I'm like,
"What's going on? God, I'm going to die."
And the doctor did the doctor movement.
Which is a gynecologist movement.
Came out with the results.
"Oh, no, you don't have an STD.
No, you are safe. This is diesel."
[audience laughs and screams]
"Unleaded. 95."
Thank you, my name is Celeste.
-[audience cheers and applauds]
-[member of audience whistles]
Wax on, wax off!
-[audience laughs]
-[theme music playing]
[host] Everyone,
please welcome onto the stage
the wonderful Celeste Ntuli!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Hello!
Hi!
-I'm feeling myself.
-[audience cheers]
I just lost weight and I was like,
"The tide must be out!"
That's what we do.
I know some of you are like,
-"Fuck you stink, fat, fuck you."
-[audience laughs]
It was rough. Now this is an improvement.
So don't judge too much.
Yo, I nearly died. Lockdown.
Ah, thank you, lovey.
That's all, that's the point.
Lockdown nearly killed me. Proper.
I was 137 KGs. I can't believe
I am telling the world this. Yes.
Yes, I know. I was like, "Jesus."
Yes, and also as a big girl,
who's a superstar. Oh, yeah.
Don't tell me you are confused about that.
[audience applauds and cheers]
I mean, you are there. I am here.
What are you still questioning?
What is this?
So as a big girl
who's a superstar, I just, somehow,
it's not my intention.
Anyone, who is coming
from a disadvantaged background,
you just-- the minute you make it,
you're representing everyone.
So I found myself now,
"How come I'm a minister of fat people?
How is this?
When did this happen?"
And I know,
don't worry, this is not a comedy set
of a fat comedian
who's feeling sorry for herself. No.
-I mean you can see.
-[audience laughs]
I'm very confident.
And this is what else I hated, the fact
that when I was at that age, that's
the compliment I got, which was fucked up.
That's not even a compliment.
It's a complaint.
When people say you are confident,
what the fuck do you mean?
You are not saying, "Nice dress.
I love red." Some shit like that.
"I'm confident." That's not a compliment.
That's a complaint.
You are saying, "You have
no business wearing what you are wearing.
But, we are here now and you voted.
What are we going to do?
We are scared of you,
you are big and confident."
That's what that shit says.
You can't tell me,
"I went to the designer,
did my shit, and then I'm confident."
Now what the fuck do you mean?
I want to hear, "I'm pretty. I'm sexy."
And all those things.
So I had to lose weight, I had to.
I know, because as a big girl,
I'm representing all other big girls,
and I know about body shaming
and all those things, but when the
doctor said the heart is about to stop.
-I think it's your cue to stop.
-[audience laughs]
That's a cue to stop!
Because I mean, now, if you can't wake up,
how are you going to wake up to work now?
I had to lose weight.
I had to lose weight for that
and the fact that
I couldn't do the things that I like.
So I'm telling all the big girls,
if you find yourself
in an uncomfortable position, don't be
held up by the representation of
plus size, plus what-the-fuck that shit.
I turned 42 and I realized I couldn't
do the things that I enjoy.
I couldn't, you know,
I'm a flexible somebody, you know?
I know. I know.
And as a South African Zulu girl,
that is required.
Because there's a new dance
coming in every fucking six months.
Otherwise you're going to find yourself…
without moves.
So I had to lose weight,
I couldn't walk up the stairs.
I was like, "No, this is not me.
This is is not me." And also,
I couldn't do "woman on top."
[audience laughs]
There's no way. That's my winning style.
I still have hope,
because I'm holding on to that.
Now I couldn't do it.
Now I had to have an assistant,
because when I was going down
the stomach went first.
And I was like,
"Where are you going, wena?
They don't want you."
So I had to wear high heels, you know.
Today I'm wearing them,
because of, to prove to you
this is not, these are my bedroom heels.
-[cheering from audience]
-Yeah.
I have those. Some--
I even have 14-inch. People are like,
"Where do you wear those?" In the bedroom.
I thought, I thought pornography
were doing it for the aesthetics.
No, it works.
Because what happens is
that your body's up like this.
So when you go down,
what your mama gave you goes down.
Never say I've never told you anything.
So I had to lose weight.
I had to lose weight
and the bed is 220 KG's.
So at 137,
as a single girl
looking for a very strong, sexy,
West-African-looking, nice, tall,
you know, Kofi Siriboe man.
Yes, I believe in Black love.
Fuck what you've heard.
No, I-- there's no way
that package comes in 80 KGs and down.
So I had--
the calculation was not working.
So I had to lose weight.
And the realization of that I need a man,
I must say to all Black women,
fuck what they're telling us.
Don't buy what they're selling.
This whole shit,
"We are alone. We are strong.
We are mbokodo's,
we don't need a man." Fuck you too!
White women are feminist halfway.
They don't go all the way with us.
They talk about salaries and they go back.
They never say shit about their men.
Not that their men are saints.
They are the most
fucking worst human beings,
at some point, history tells me.
[audience laughs]
But you've never-- in South Africa
we call ourselves "bogoto's."
Do you know what bogoto means?
A bogoto is a fucking rock
that is ugly, found by the river.
There's nothing good do about it.
It's stuck in the dirt and it's there.
Why will I identify like that? No.
Winnie Mandela
didn't like what she went through.
No, now come, we can't multiply that.
We must multiply love
and kindness
and softness to our Black women.
-Because… no…
-[audience cheers and applauds]
White women don't do that shit.
We call our men trash every day.
"Men are trash, men are trash."
White women never call their men trash,
through colonization, racism, everything.
All I'm saying is Verwoerd
will kill someone and still get a blowjob.
[Celeste] How was that working out?
[audience laughing]
So I'm saying,
let's wake up on that sense.
So I do need a man. I went up online,
I'm like, "Okay, let me check this thing."
Because you know, it's lockdown,
you can't go out and see people.
So I logged online, fuck, the algorithms,
so I was like, "Oh, fuck me. Is this me?"
So that means I am over the age
of getting my dream-dream-dream man.
These algorithms have no rhythm.
There're my people that you're comparing
with me, I'm like, "Haibo! Who's this?"
Sixty-five to 70, haibo!
I'm 42, looking like a 25-year-old.
Like, come on.
I was like, "No, no, no, no."
But then I understood, because you know,
I'm no longer
at the age where I'm praying,
"God grant me the serenity to…
to accept the things
I cannot change, the courage…
and the wisdom
to know the difference." Fuck it.
I know what is ahead now.
I know what is ahead. I'm not going to
get my dream, I'm going to get divorcees.
I'm going to get divorcees with kids.
But you know, look at a positive side.
Divorcees with kids, I mean,
as a big girl, I know a thing
or two about combo's. There's a discount.
I date you today. Tomorrow I'm a parent.
And believe me, divorcees are good.
For your ego and for yourself.
Yes. He's middle-aged,
the first wife did the job.
They took his house, they took his car.
His brother fucked his wife.
All I'm saying,
he's humbled by the experience.
[audience laughs]
Even his family are like,
"Thank God, he's got someone."
So you become a hero.
It's nice.
I don't have to be swelling
and diapers and shit at 42.
I'm just a stepmother.
Picking up, dropping.
Picking up, dropping.
Making sure he doesn't
meet the ex-wife who's a whore, I mean,
that's my job.
That's my only job. Oh, wait,
and the blowjob, but that's my job.
That's what I'm saying, like,
I realize we do need a man.
And also sometimes people don't get that
we-- being independent is addictive.
They don't say this a lot.
Coming from a rural areas and hustled
with a high school certificate
and making White people laugh.
I'm successful.
So I'm enjoying my house.
I bought a leather couch.
Corner couch.
I'm having nice curtains, shit like that.
It smells nice, I'm burning incense, now.
No more imphepho. I'm up.
[audience laughs and applauds]
It's good, it smells nice,
you have this date.
You know you have a date, but it's like,
"Oh, maybe. You know. Let me see."
And then the thing is,
what is a date if you have your
wine glass
and you're drinking your expensive wine?
And the wine glass is expensive, 300.
Your mum will kill you.
But you are committed
to the soft life. I mean, we've--
we know poverty.
What else is going to happen?
So you are there relaxing,
about to have this date.
You're like,
"Okay, let me kill some time.
And watch myself some Netflix. You know
what I'm saying? Bridgerton and learn
a thing or two
about relationships in English."
That's what happens with Bridgerton,
as a Zulu girl, you're like,
"What the fuck?"
We didn't go that far at school.
What is this?
"As they promenade down…"
What is promenade? Pause.
And the thing about Netflix,
you all think you're going to watch
only two episodes. Uh-uh.
Wake up at episode number ten.
This sound is fucking hypnotic.
[imitates Netflix theme sound]
[imitates Netflix theme sound]
You're like, "Shit, the time is coming."
[imitates Netflix theme sound]
You can't leave the episode.
And the phone starts to ring.
[imitates Netflix theme sound
and ringing phone]
And as a Zulu girl, we're like,
"Oh, is that DJ Maphorisa
and Kabza De Small?"
They can mix this.
Throw in Busiswa
and then we are good to go.
[imitates a mixture of the
Netflix theme sound and phone ring tone]
And Busiswa goes, "Nangu Busiswa!"
No, but you're like,
"Okay, let me pick it up."
[whispering] "I'm sorry,
I've got arthritis." You lying.
You don't want to go.
And that's another problem,
these first dates when you are this age.
You have questions
that you have never asked before.
I'm asking questions
I've never asked before now.
I'm asking things that are very important.
I don't ask shit like, "What's
your qualifications? Who's you mother?"
I mean, if you are 50 and dumb,
what am I going to do?
There's no use for qualifications now.
You-- this is you.
This is the location. We are here.
So I'm like, "Okay,
I'm going to take it as it is." You know.
Now you ask questions that are
important to you. "Do you have diabetes?
Arthritis?
High blood--" Hey! Men do get old.
People love men to get old
and they pretend it's only women
that do get old. Men do get old!
We see the balls dropping,
we're like, "Mm-hmm, yeah."
Prostate cancer.
Check, check, baba, check.
They do get old. That's why I don't
give a fuck about trying to be perfect.
I'm 42 now. You want to suck a nipple?
Suck it where you find it.
[exclaims] I promise it's a nipple!
Forget about the location, it's a nipple.
You mean
you can't pick up a boob, one boob?
You can pick up a whole fucking cement.
Pick this one boob. Relax.
Hey, no, no, no. I don't do that anymore.
I do not do that anymore.
And, knowing that
this is who I am,
people have to deal with this.
No, I'm very comfortable-- Hey, you,
you're coming from far, you're like…
you're nodding all the time.
[Celeste laughs]
No, I learned a lot about lockdown,
so I have changed my ways. And
I've learned that Black people are happy.
Guys, we are happy.
Hey, pandemic was happening,
Chinese were cleaning, sanitizing.
White people were counting who's dying,
who's about to die.
Indians were looking for profit.
Black people were just,
[sings] "Jerusalema,
Ikhaya lami--"
There everyone was dancing.
That's why I always say,
when they say Black people
are depressed, "Hmm, it's questionable."
We've been through a lot.
We are not depressed, we are deprived.
You know what I mean. If you have a
trust fund, you are depressed. I'm sorry.
Go see someone.
Tonight we are not depressed. We are broke
and brokenhearted.
All I'm saying is,
change the constitution,
give us the land
and money, and check us in ten years.
[member of audience] Yeah!
-[Celeste] Whether we are still depressed.
-[audience cheers and applauds]
No. I'm not depressed.
This is the thing about being 40.
I'm at the age, I don't give a fuck.
I say shit that I like it. [chuckles]
I love it so much.
And at this age
you are confident about everything.
You are confident in your sexuality.
You know, even sex. You're like, "Yeah."
You don't do it like 25.
You are no longer waiting for Lobola.
Fuck it. It's cold. [grunts] You are here.
And the shit thing is
that at this age you know sex
and you find
that men are still struggling.
I read that men dissected 20 bodies.
Twenty bo-- Yes, women bodies.
They are still finding the G-spot.
I'm like, "Dissect?" I'm Zulu
and I don't have much qualifications, but
I know the severity of the word dissect.
Looking for a G-spot. I'm like,
"Men don't listen."
You guys are busy with this movement,
this is a wrong movement.
[audience laughs]
This is a gynecologists' movement.
This is not your movement.
And I love this joke,
because only women are laughing.
[screeching laughter from audience]
And men are going to
ask these questions on the way home.
"Why were you laughing that hard?" Yes!
Because you are missing the fucking mark.
Why are you doing that?
That shit is not in there!
This shit is not inside,
it's on top, it's outside!
It's here in front of you!
Have a "Van Damme" movement.
"Wax on, wax off, outside.
Wax on, wax off." That's what we want.
Forget about this movement.
I'm sure that's why Indian women
have a dot when they get married.
It's a GPS for G-spot.
"Follow the spot, Rajesh.
Follow the spot, uncle."
That's why we can't even date mechanics.
I tried, I fucked around
and I dated a mechanic guy.
I was in shit.
I thought I had cancer.
I went to the doctor, I was crying.
It was a mess. I'm like,
"What's going on? God, I'm going to die."
And the doctor did the doctor movement.
Which is a gynecologist movement.
Came out with the results.
"Oh, no, you don't have an STD.
No, you are safe. This is diesel."
[audience laughs and screams]
"Unleaded. 95."
Thank you, my name is Celeste.
-[audience cheers and applauds]
-[member of audience whistles]
Wax on, wax off!
-[audience laughs]
-[theme music playing]