Only Jokes Allowed (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Mpho Popps - full transcript
[theme music playing]
[host] Everyone,
please welcome the wonderful
Mpho Popps Modikoane!
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[theme music continues]
Amandla!
Let's address the elephant in the room
ladies and gents. I know what I look like.
I look like if Mandela was an influencer.
Amandla!
-How you guys doing?
-[audience whoops and cheers]
Ah man do you know how good feels to see
you guys to perform to a live audience?
Guys we missed you. We missed this.
Do you know what I see
when I look around the room guys,
do you know what I see
when I look around the room?
I see a bunch a survivors.
Guys we survived. We survived.
-But we gained weight.
-[audience laughs]
No we did and it's not our fault guys.
It's not our fault. We were sold a dream.
Remember they said
this lockdown would just be 21 days?
Remember the government was like,
[high-pitched] "No, just, eh…
we are going to figure this out,
just stay at home for 21 days."
"And buy groceries okay.
We'll figure this out."
We were sold a dream.
And then what did we do?
We went out and we bought
three months worth of groceries.
Remember we were at all the supermarkets
fighting each other with trolleys.
Every one had four trolleys
by themselves, just pushing.
"Hey, hey don't touch that. That's mine."
[audience laughs]
We bought so much toilet paper.
-So much-- Sibongiseni, why did we…
-[audience laughs]
[Mpho] buy so much toilet paper?
No Sibongiseni our White friends
are here. Let's tell them the truth.
Sibongiseni,
why did we act like toilet paper
has been part of
our lives our whole lives?
No let's tell the truth,
all out friends are here.
We only started using toilet paper
on a permanent basis from boma…
-2001.
-[audience laughs]
Until then it was a month end luxury.
That's why we had
the Yellow Pages telephone directory.
At home. We kept that in the bathroom.
Remember that was the thing we used?
If you don't know what this is…
You grew up nice.
If you don't know what this action is…
This is the art
of softening the Yellow Pages.
This is the art of turning
a yellow page into a two-ply.
And my friends would visit confusing.
"Geez you guys
read telephone numbers in the toilet?"
"No JP!"
We use it to…
[audience laughs]
And you could even advise people.
Because you know we started getting good.
So you could advise people on
-what surnames are softer than others.
-[audience laughs]
As soon as you see someone going,
"Hey, ntwana just stay away
from the Van der Merwe's."
[audience laughs]
"It's rough. Just…
use the Naidoo's."
But it's not our fault guys.
It's not our fault
that we gained weight, because,
do you know what real temptation is guys?
Real temptation is being stuck
in a house full of groceries
and nowhere to go.
At some point
the groceries just start talking to you.
I'm serious.
You start walking past the fridge,
you hear the eggs going, "Oh brother…
[audience laughs]
you not even
going to boil us or something?"
You walk past the bread
bin, the rolls are like,
[sexy tone] "Oh brother…
-[audience laughs]
-don't you just want to put some butter…"
You walk past the fridge
the Viennas are like,
[growling] "Oh brother…
just two bites…" [chewing noises]
It's not our fault.
But here's what I love about us guys.
Here's what I love about us
as a country as a people.
We are the most resilient people
on planet earth. South Africans
are the most resilient people
on planet earth.
You can throw anything
at us we will survive.
You can put us in any situation.
We will find a way.
Because we were hit with one of
the hardest lockdowns in the world.
One of the hardest
restrictions in the world.
We're the only country
where they banned alcohol.
They banned cigarettes.
They banned relationships.
Hugging was illegal during level five.
-Kissing was a crime.
-[audience laughs]
But here's what I love about us guys.
No matter what you throw at us,
we will find a way.
They banned alcohol. Did we stop drinking?
[Mpho and audience] No!
We found a way.
We were in our kitchens
boiling pineapples and potato skins
on "Insta-live."
-"Hi guys, welcome back. It's me."
-[audience laughs]
"Yes, I just discovered
if you add a little bit of Jeyes fluid
it tastes like Jägermeister."
They banned cigarettes.
Did we stop smoking?
[Mpho and audience] No!
We discovered RG's. [laughs]
Rich gang!
Illicit cigarettes my brother.
But here's the thing, a 20 pack of RG's
not all the cigarettes are the same size.
Some are thick,
some are thin, others are short.
Some buds are yellow, others are orange.
And they different to ordinary cigarettes,
like if you light an RG
and pull it,
it's already halfway. [inhales deeply]
You look like you are vaping. [blows air]
And you can't have more than two a day.
It will destroy your chest.
You could hear
who was smoking RG's on Zoom calls.
You could hear on Zoom calls.
You could just…
[hoarsely] "Hi guys…
if you guys don't mind just [wheezes]
put your cameras on
and mute yourself okay."
Like, "Ah Johnathan is smoking RG's."
[audience and Mpho laughs]
It's rough.
But we're a different kind of people guys.
South Africans are a special bunch.
Well we-- that's why the rest of Africa
always says like
you know they call us "Africalite."
They detach us from the rest of Africa.
They say we think
we're "The America of Africa."
And it's not our fault
that we're different.
Geographically we are
at the tip of Africa.
And you know
it doesn't count if it's "just the tip."
[audience laughs and shouts]
No but we're
a special kind of people guys.
And I feel like as South Africans
it's taken us such a long time
to come to terms and accept who we are.
And I feel like we finally did it
and we're okay with it.
It took us a long time
to accept who we are.
And we did. We looked in the mirror
and we were like, "Yes, that's us."
And we're okay with it.
It took us a long time for us to accept
that South Africa is
the most gangster country in the world.
In the world. This is how gangster
we are in this country.
We're so gangster,
that we're the only country in the world
that will get upset at a bunch of robbers
for not getting away.
I'll say it again. For not getting away.
There was a cash-in-transit heist
at OR Tambo International.
Guys stole about 200 million.
Clean job. They got away. [blows] Gone.
Three days later
one of them bought a Lamborghini.
And we were all like… "Wena, man."
[groaning]
"What are you doing??"
You don't do that after the heist.
There's levels to this crime thing.
After the heist you lay low. You relax.
You buy a Toyota Tazz.
Then everyone in your hood can be like,
"Oh yazi,
Jabu's hustling these day, shem."
Three months later you buy
a second hand Audi A3. They go,
"Hey, oh I think Jabu has a job now."
[audience laughs]
Six months later you buy a Jaguar.
They go, "Hey,
I think Jabu got a promotion."
Next year you buy a Lamborghini.
Then they go,
"Hey! I think Jabu got a tender."
-Levels guys. Levels. Levels. Levels.
-[audience laughs and applauds]
Guys, [chuckles] you know where I realized
that we take our criminality
to extreme heights?
Guys, when we breached
the most un-breachable
security force in the world.
The CIA. The Secret Service.
Do you remember
during Nelson Mandela's funeral?
We put that guy…
[audience laughs and shouts]
right next to Barack Obama! Right there!
We put a sign language interpreter
that can't interpret sign language
right there. The whole time.
I was like, "Who the hell
is smoking at a cricket match?"
-"What is he saying?"
-[audience laughs]
And the way we love Barack.
I'm sure there were deaf people
at home trying to warn the family.
But the way we love Barack, we were like,
"Shhh uyarasa wena Barack is speaking."
Guys. We are the land
of casual crime and our crime unites us.
Guys do you realize even
the one thing we do to show each other
how much we care
about each other in this country,
is an act of criminality?
I'm serious guys. The one thing
we show each other our spirit of ubuntu.
Melissa, ubuntu is…
[audience and Mpho laughs]
a person is a person through other people.
Melissa that's what I'm saying. Ubuntu.
I am because you are Melissa.
You understand?
The one thing Melissa we do
to show each other the spirit of ubuntu
is an act of criminality.
Have you ever driven on an open road
and you've just
driven through a roadblock?
-And you see another car approaching.
-[audience laughs]
You don't know who is in that other car.
You don't know if they Black, White,
Indian, Colored, Jewish, Muslim, Xesise.
You don't know who's in that other car.
All you know is that there's a fellow
South African who must go through there.
So what do you do?
You do that thing with your lights.
[flashing noises and groans]
Relax. Slow down.
Roadblock.
Because we all
have one common enemy in this country.
And that's the law.
[audience cheers and whistles]
It's rough!
Guys…
we are the land of casual crime.
We're the only country
where we have specialists
in crime.
There are guys who specialize here.
We have a Rolex gang.
All they do is steal Rolexes.
They are walking around
the mall looking at results, Swatch.
Apple watch.
See a Rolex… gone.
There's guys who
just specialize in Smart phones.
Smart phone snatchers.
See you. Snatch. Car. Gone.
What's happening now ladies,
Sibongiseni,
this is where you need to be concerned.
They are starting
to specialize in women's hair.
Melissa you are safe. Yours is permanent.
But for… [laughs]
for the ladies
who are not permanently fixed.
This is a warning Sibongiseni.
This is a warning.
Because they are studying your hair.
They know the true value of hair.
There are guys walking around
the mall going, "Hey, no Indian weaving…"
"Hey ntwana, Peruvian."
Five thousand.
So you're relaxed.
And this is why I'm warning you.
Because you're relaxed now.
You leave the mall, you're in the car.
You partying, your window's down.
You listening to Cardi B…
[sings]
And then out of nowhere…
[swoosh noise and screams]
Now all you left with are
those four corn rows and the stocking.
Now you're at
the police station reporting stolen hair.
You know how confused the cops are?
-"So they stole your hair?"
-[audience laughs]
"What happened my sister?"
Now you panicking.
Your story's not making sense.
"This guy came out of nowhere."
"How did he look my sister?"
"He had a silver-gold tooth."
"Silver-gold tooth?"
"And then what happened?" "I was just
listening to Cardi B." "Which song?" "Up"
"Up, how does it go?"
[sings]
"How many ups is that?
How many…?" [laughs]
"And then what happened my sister?"
"Then he drove off in a Lamborghini."
-[Mpho laughs]
-[audience laughs and cheers]
Guys I talk about this stuff,
because a friend
of mine got highjacked right.
And they didn't just highjack him.
So they don't just highjack you.
They didn't just highjack him.
They highjacked him
and they took him with.
It was a highjack and… take away.
It was… there was three of them.
It was a yeah… it was a highjack and go.
They put him in the back.
Two guys in the front and one in the back.
Here's the thing…
my friend is famous.
He's a multi-platinum selling,
award winning afro-pop
sensation.
So halfway through the highjacking
the guy in the back's like,
"Ha man…
do I know you?"
"Gents who's this guy?"
"Do I know you from somewhere? Ha man…"
[audience laughs]
And then he let it go. And he let it go.
And on the journey, true to form,
on the radio his song came on.
[in Zulu] ♪ I have loved him my love ♪
The highjacker was like, "Aaaaiii…"
"Vusi Nova!"
"It's you ntwana! Yo gents!"
"Gents this is Vusi Nova." The guys
in the front we're like "Ah you lying."
"Ah you don't believe me…
[imitates gun cock] sing."
[audience laughs]
Can you imagine
the trauma of being highjacked?
Held hostage,
now you must hold a high note.
[imitates gun cock] "Sing."
[in Zulu] ♪ I have loved him my love ♪
[imitates highjacker singing]
"Yo my wife is not going to believe this!"
[audience screeches and laughs]
[imitates highjacker] "Shhh… hello baby."
"No I'm at work. I'm at work. I'm at work"
[audience laughs]
"No it's going well, it's going well."
"Hey baby you won't believe
who we bumped into at work."
"Your favorite singer."
"Guess babe, guess,
guess, guess. Take a guess."
"Uh-uh not
Rebecca Malope no, no. Guess babe."
"Ah my baby you not serious,
where we going to find
Luther Vandross he's--
my baby guess… yes!"
"Vusi Nova! The Vusi--
You don't believe me?" Speaker.
[imitates gun cock] "Sing."
[whimpers]
[in Zulu] ♪ I have loved him my love ♪
"Hey what's that my love?" [hushes]
"What's that?"
"You want to hear Asiphelelanga?"
"No problem my love." [imitates gun cock]
"Sing Asiphelelanga."
[in Zulu] ♪ Not everyone is here
S'fiso is missing Not everyone is here ♪
The other two joined in.
[in Zulu] ♪ Not everyone is here ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Mpho Popps Modikoane.
-Thank you so much. Peace.
-[deep base theme music playing]
Amandla!
Amandla!
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[theme music continues]
[host] Everyone,
please welcome the wonderful
Mpho Popps Modikoane!
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[theme music continues]
Amandla!
Let's address the elephant in the room
ladies and gents. I know what I look like.
I look like if Mandela was an influencer.
Amandla!
-How you guys doing?
-[audience whoops and cheers]
Ah man do you know how good feels to see
you guys to perform to a live audience?
Guys we missed you. We missed this.
Do you know what I see
when I look around the room guys,
do you know what I see
when I look around the room?
I see a bunch a survivors.
Guys we survived. We survived.
-But we gained weight.
-[audience laughs]
No we did and it's not our fault guys.
It's not our fault. We were sold a dream.
Remember they said
this lockdown would just be 21 days?
Remember the government was like,
[high-pitched] "No, just, eh…
we are going to figure this out,
just stay at home for 21 days."
"And buy groceries okay.
We'll figure this out."
We were sold a dream.
And then what did we do?
We went out and we bought
three months worth of groceries.
Remember we were at all the supermarkets
fighting each other with trolleys.
Every one had four trolleys
by themselves, just pushing.
"Hey, hey don't touch that. That's mine."
[audience laughs]
We bought so much toilet paper.
-So much-- Sibongiseni, why did we…
-[audience laughs]
[Mpho] buy so much toilet paper?
No Sibongiseni our White friends
are here. Let's tell them the truth.
Sibongiseni,
why did we act like toilet paper
has been part of
our lives our whole lives?
No let's tell the truth,
all out friends are here.
We only started using toilet paper
on a permanent basis from boma…
-2001.
-[audience laughs]
Until then it was a month end luxury.
That's why we had
the Yellow Pages telephone directory.
At home. We kept that in the bathroom.
Remember that was the thing we used?
If you don't know what this is…
You grew up nice.
If you don't know what this action is…
This is the art
of softening the Yellow Pages.
This is the art of turning
a yellow page into a two-ply.
And my friends would visit confusing.
"Geez you guys
read telephone numbers in the toilet?"
"No JP!"
We use it to…
[audience laughs]
And you could even advise people.
Because you know we started getting good.
So you could advise people on
-what surnames are softer than others.
-[audience laughs]
As soon as you see someone going,
"Hey, ntwana just stay away
from the Van der Merwe's."
[audience laughs]
"It's rough. Just…
use the Naidoo's."
But it's not our fault guys.
It's not our fault
that we gained weight, because,
do you know what real temptation is guys?
Real temptation is being stuck
in a house full of groceries
and nowhere to go.
At some point
the groceries just start talking to you.
I'm serious.
You start walking past the fridge,
you hear the eggs going, "Oh brother…
[audience laughs]
you not even
going to boil us or something?"
You walk past the bread
bin, the rolls are like,
[sexy tone] "Oh brother…
-[audience laughs]
-don't you just want to put some butter…"
You walk past the fridge
the Viennas are like,
[growling] "Oh brother…
just two bites…" [chewing noises]
It's not our fault.
But here's what I love about us guys.
Here's what I love about us
as a country as a people.
We are the most resilient people
on planet earth. South Africans
are the most resilient people
on planet earth.
You can throw anything
at us we will survive.
You can put us in any situation.
We will find a way.
Because we were hit with one of
the hardest lockdowns in the world.
One of the hardest
restrictions in the world.
We're the only country
where they banned alcohol.
They banned cigarettes.
They banned relationships.
Hugging was illegal during level five.
-Kissing was a crime.
-[audience laughs]
But here's what I love about us guys.
No matter what you throw at us,
we will find a way.
They banned alcohol. Did we stop drinking?
[Mpho and audience] No!
We found a way.
We were in our kitchens
boiling pineapples and potato skins
on "Insta-live."
-"Hi guys, welcome back. It's me."
-[audience laughs]
"Yes, I just discovered
if you add a little bit of Jeyes fluid
it tastes like Jägermeister."
They banned cigarettes.
Did we stop smoking?
[Mpho and audience] No!
We discovered RG's. [laughs]
Rich gang!
Illicit cigarettes my brother.
But here's the thing, a 20 pack of RG's
not all the cigarettes are the same size.
Some are thick,
some are thin, others are short.
Some buds are yellow, others are orange.
And they different to ordinary cigarettes,
like if you light an RG
and pull it,
it's already halfway. [inhales deeply]
You look like you are vaping. [blows air]
And you can't have more than two a day.
It will destroy your chest.
You could hear
who was smoking RG's on Zoom calls.
You could hear on Zoom calls.
You could just…
[hoarsely] "Hi guys…
if you guys don't mind just [wheezes]
put your cameras on
and mute yourself okay."
Like, "Ah Johnathan is smoking RG's."
[audience and Mpho laughs]
It's rough.
But we're a different kind of people guys.
South Africans are a special bunch.
Well we-- that's why the rest of Africa
always says like
you know they call us "Africalite."
They detach us from the rest of Africa.
They say we think
we're "The America of Africa."
And it's not our fault
that we're different.
Geographically we are
at the tip of Africa.
And you know
it doesn't count if it's "just the tip."
[audience laughs and shouts]
No but we're
a special kind of people guys.
And I feel like as South Africans
it's taken us such a long time
to come to terms and accept who we are.
And I feel like we finally did it
and we're okay with it.
It took us a long time
to accept who we are.
And we did. We looked in the mirror
and we were like, "Yes, that's us."
And we're okay with it.
It took us a long time for us to accept
that South Africa is
the most gangster country in the world.
In the world. This is how gangster
we are in this country.
We're so gangster,
that we're the only country in the world
that will get upset at a bunch of robbers
for not getting away.
I'll say it again. For not getting away.
There was a cash-in-transit heist
at OR Tambo International.
Guys stole about 200 million.
Clean job. They got away. [blows] Gone.
Three days later
one of them bought a Lamborghini.
And we were all like… "Wena, man."
[groaning]
"What are you doing??"
You don't do that after the heist.
There's levels to this crime thing.
After the heist you lay low. You relax.
You buy a Toyota Tazz.
Then everyone in your hood can be like,
"Oh yazi,
Jabu's hustling these day, shem."
Three months later you buy
a second hand Audi A3. They go,
"Hey, oh I think Jabu has a job now."
[audience laughs]
Six months later you buy a Jaguar.
They go, "Hey,
I think Jabu got a promotion."
Next year you buy a Lamborghini.
Then they go,
"Hey! I think Jabu got a tender."
-Levels guys. Levels. Levels. Levels.
-[audience laughs and applauds]
Guys, [chuckles] you know where I realized
that we take our criminality
to extreme heights?
Guys, when we breached
the most un-breachable
security force in the world.
The CIA. The Secret Service.
Do you remember
during Nelson Mandela's funeral?
We put that guy…
[audience laughs and shouts]
right next to Barack Obama! Right there!
We put a sign language interpreter
that can't interpret sign language
right there. The whole time.
I was like, "Who the hell
is smoking at a cricket match?"
-"What is he saying?"
-[audience laughs]
And the way we love Barack.
I'm sure there were deaf people
at home trying to warn the family.
But the way we love Barack, we were like,
"Shhh uyarasa wena Barack is speaking."
Guys. We are the land
of casual crime and our crime unites us.
Guys do you realize even
the one thing we do to show each other
how much we care
about each other in this country,
is an act of criminality?
I'm serious guys. The one thing
we show each other our spirit of ubuntu.
Melissa, ubuntu is…
[audience and Mpho laughs]
a person is a person through other people.
Melissa that's what I'm saying. Ubuntu.
I am because you are Melissa.
You understand?
The one thing Melissa we do
to show each other the spirit of ubuntu
is an act of criminality.
Have you ever driven on an open road
and you've just
driven through a roadblock?
-And you see another car approaching.
-[audience laughs]
You don't know who is in that other car.
You don't know if they Black, White,
Indian, Colored, Jewish, Muslim, Xesise.
You don't know who's in that other car.
All you know is that there's a fellow
South African who must go through there.
So what do you do?
You do that thing with your lights.
[flashing noises and groans]
Relax. Slow down.
Roadblock.
Because we all
have one common enemy in this country.
And that's the law.
[audience cheers and whistles]
It's rough!
Guys…
we are the land of casual crime.
We're the only country
where we have specialists
in crime.
There are guys who specialize here.
We have a Rolex gang.
All they do is steal Rolexes.
They are walking around
the mall looking at results, Swatch.
Apple watch.
See a Rolex… gone.
There's guys who
just specialize in Smart phones.
Smart phone snatchers.
See you. Snatch. Car. Gone.
What's happening now ladies,
Sibongiseni,
this is where you need to be concerned.
They are starting
to specialize in women's hair.
Melissa you are safe. Yours is permanent.
But for… [laughs]
for the ladies
who are not permanently fixed.
This is a warning Sibongiseni.
This is a warning.
Because they are studying your hair.
They know the true value of hair.
There are guys walking around
the mall going, "Hey, no Indian weaving…"
"Hey ntwana, Peruvian."
Five thousand.
So you're relaxed.
And this is why I'm warning you.
Because you're relaxed now.
You leave the mall, you're in the car.
You partying, your window's down.
You listening to Cardi B…
[sings]
And then out of nowhere…
[swoosh noise and screams]
Now all you left with are
those four corn rows and the stocking.
Now you're at
the police station reporting stolen hair.
You know how confused the cops are?
-"So they stole your hair?"
-[audience laughs]
"What happened my sister?"
Now you panicking.
Your story's not making sense.
"This guy came out of nowhere."
"How did he look my sister?"
"He had a silver-gold tooth."
"Silver-gold tooth?"
"And then what happened?" "I was just
listening to Cardi B." "Which song?" "Up"
"Up, how does it go?"
[sings]
"How many ups is that?
How many…?" [laughs]
"And then what happened my sister?"
"Then he drove off in a Lamborghini."
-[Mpho laughs]
-[audience laughs and cheers]
Guys I talk about this stuff,
because a friend
of mine got highjacked right.
And they didn't just highjack him.
So they don't just highjack you.
They didn't just highjack him.
They highjacked him
and they took him with.
It was a highjack and… take away.
It was… there was three of them.
It was a yeah… it was a highjack and go.
They put him in the back.
Two guys in the front and one in the back.
Here's the thing…
my friend is famous.
He's a multi-platinum selling,
award winning afro-pop
sensation.
So halfway through the highjacking
the guy in the back's like,
"Ha man…
do I know you?"
"Gents who's this guy?"
"Do I know you from somewhere? Ha man…"
[audience laughs]
And then he let it go. And he let it go.
And on the journey, true to form,
on the radio his song came on.
[in Zulu] ♪ I have loved him my love ♪
The highjacker was like, "Aaaaiii…"
"Vusi Nova!"
"It's you ntwana! Yo gents!"
"Gents this is Vusi Nova." The guys
in the front we're like "Ah you lying."
"Ah you don't believe me…
[imitates gun cock] sing."
[audience laughs]
Can you imagine
the trauma of being highjacked?
Held hostage,
now you must hold a high note.
[imitates gun cock] "Sing."
[in Zulu] ♪ I have loved him my love ♪
[imitates highjacker singing]
"Yo my wife is not going to believe this!"
[audience screeches and laughs]
[imitates highjacker] "Shhh… hello baby."
"No I'm at work. I'm at work. I'm at work"
[audience laughs]
"No it's going well, it's going well."
"Hey baby you won't believe
who we bumped into at work."
"Your favorite singer."
"Guess babe, guess,
guess, guess. Take a guess."
"Uh-uh not
Rebecca Malope no, no. Guess babe."
"Ah my baby you not serious,
where we going to find
Luther Vandross he's--
my baby guess… yes!"
"Vusi Nova! The Vusi--
You don't believe me?" Speaker.
[imitates gun cock] "Sing."
[whimpers]
[in Zulu] ♪ I have loved him my love ♪
"Hey what's that my love?" [hushes]
"What's that?"
"You want to hear Asiphelelanga?"
"No problem my love." [imitates gun cock]
"Sing Asiphelelanga."
[in Zulu] ♪ Not everyone is here
S'fiso is missing Not everyone is here ♪
The other two joined in.
[in Zulu] ♪ Not everyone is here ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Mpho Popps Modikoane.
-Thank you so much. Peace.
-[deep base theme music playing]
Amandla!
Amandla!
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[theme music continues]