Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 7, Episode 8 - Miami Twice: 'Oh to Be in England' - full transcript

The Trotters arrive in Miami, where they are spotted by Mafia Don Vincenzo Occhetti and his sons, the don just happening to be Del's exact double. The Occhettis welcome the brothers but they have a plan. Occhetti is to stand trial for several crimes. If Del is found dead and it is assumed that he is the Mafioso, the don will be in a position to start a new life. Several unsuccessful attempts to kill Del follow, as does an argument between Rodney and Occhetti, whom Rodney believes to be his brother. When Del and Rodney tumble to what is happening they go on the run but are saved by Marlene and Boycie, who are on holiday in Miami. They also supply evidence of the Occhettis' drug-dealing. Back home in Peckham Del finds the crates of wine stacked up in his flat but the television news tells him that, thanks to his efforts, Occhetti has been imprisoned.

[Faint Music playing
"Rocking All Over The World"]

We've done it, Rodders!

-Done what?

-Done what?
-Joined the glitterati!


-Take the headphones off.
-Eh? Oh!

Sorry. Do what?

What do you mean,
we've joined the glitterati?

Well, We have! I mean,
we're transatlantic people now!

No more Costa Del Sewage for us.
We're in the big time!

I suppose so.

Del, when we land in Miami, before
we go to any of the bars an' that,

we've got to sort out
transport and accommodation.

-All taken care of, bruv!

I'm having a nap. Give us a nudge
when the drinks arrive, will yer?

How do you get this chair to go back?
[glass shatters]

Look what you've done!

-Sorry about that.
-You've ruined it!

No, no, that's all right,
that'll clean off.

-Use a cloth.
-It's dry-clean only!

Nah, they put that on the
label to impress you.

Give me a serviette and I'll do it.
Hitch your skirt up. Go on!

Give us it, here. Ha!
On your own, are you?

♪ Hot town, summer in the city
My neck gettin' dirty, gritty ♪

♪ Been down, isn't it a pity ♪

♪ There's doesn't seem to be
A shadow in the city ♪

♪ All around me
People lookin' half dead ♪

♪ Walkin' on the sidewalk
Hotter than a match head ♪

♪ But at night, it's a different world,
Go out and find a girl ♪

♪ Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
Despite the heat, it'll be all right ♪

♪ And baby, don't you know it's a pity
The days can't more like the nights ♪

♪ In the summer, in the city
In the summer ♪

♪ In the ci-ty! ♪

♪ Cool down, even in the city, I'm dresse
so fine and lookin' so pretty ♪

♪ I'm a cool cat, lookin' for a kitty ♪

♪ I better look in every
Corner of the city ♪

♪ Till I'm wheezin' at the bus stop ♪

♪ Runnin' up the steps, I'm going
to meet you on the rooftop ♪

♪ But at night, it's a different world,
Go out and find a girl ♪

♪ Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
Despite the heat, it'll be all right ♪

♪ And baby, don't you know it's a pity
the days can't more like the nights ♪

♪ In the summer, in the city
In the summer ♪

♪ In the ci-ty, yeah! ♪

[speech not audible]


-Anybody here?
-In here!

-Hi! How are you doin'?

Listen, our travel agent reckons
he's booked a car for us with you.

-OK. You guys on vacation?
-Yeah, a week's holiday.

No kidding, you came from
Australia for a week?!

No, no. We're not from Australia.
No. We are English!

Oh. Well, you could've fooled me!

I won't hold you up, I'll just bring it
around the front for you.


Oh, wotcher, America!

-This will be a holiday to remember.
-You said it, bruv!

[vehicle approaches]
Here we go, Rodders.

-What the hell is this thing?
-Have a nice day, now.

-And you, pal.
-Thank you. What is that?!

That's where we'll live.
Alex recommended it.

The advantage is that we don't
have to stay in one spot.

We can move about!
And... it's cheap.

Del, there is no way I'm spending any time
in this mobile ghetto with you!

I was only trying to save you money.
And we won't be trapped, will we?

When we get to a campsite, we can
dump this and go walking.


We could have booked a ho--
Bloody hell.

I don't believe that I've got...

All right. On one condition.

-All right. What is the condition?
-No curries!

All right...

no curries!

Come on, then.
Let's go and see America!

Here we go, Rodders.
♪ Oh, the yellow rose of Texas ♪

♪ Is the one I'm gonna see! ♪

♪ The yellow rose of Texas
Is the only girl for me! ♪

[horn blares]

You're on the wrong side
of the road!

They drive on the right over here!

Oh, right.
♪ Oh, the yellow rose of Texas,

♪ Is the one I'm gonna see!

♪ The yellow rose of Texas
Is the only girl for me! ♪

Yeah, what is it?

All right.

Hey, Tony, Lurch, Gino, smarten up!

The Don's left the courthouse.

-Yeah, Pop.

Who are those goons in the car?

-Police surveillance. Don't worry.
-Don't worry?!

I got cops outside my door
and I shouldn't worry?

What happened to my civil rights?

They kinda diminished
after they arrested you.

But you've been released
on bail, so be happy!

Be happy?

I want to speak to my lawyer, now!



Don Occhetti.


haven't I always been good to you?
Yes, Don Occhetti.

I've done favors for your family.
Yes, Don Occhetti.

Have I ever done you harm?
There was that time--

[Rico clears throat]

No, Don Occhetti.

So, maybe this time Salvatore can
help me. See, I'm a little confused.

This is the way I read the situation.

You are my lawyer. Correct?


And here I am looking at three to
four life sentences in the slammer.

Why don't you get off your ass

and bury this wrap?!

Well, you see, we're having problems
proving your innocence.

-'Cos you're guilty.

Oh, no--when I say "guilty",
what I mean is...

Guilty of what?

Kidnapping, drug smuggling, accessory to
three counts of murder, gossip, Pop...

Y...Yeah, well... maybe I made a few
mistakes in the past, you know?

Nobody's perfect!

Listen to me! When my father,
God bless that man's spirit,

when he arrived on these
shores from Sicily in 1930,

this was a land of
democracy and law and order!

He fought to change all that!

And look at us now, huh.

What have his efforts amounted to?

Huh? Zilch, that's what!


Salvatore, you're not a lawyer.
You're a schmuck!

And that goes for you, too, Rico.

If your mother was alive today,

God bless that woman's soul,
she would disown you!

Come on, Pop!

I tell you this Rico, eh,

I never thought I'd see the day when a son
of mine would be willing to stand back

and watch his own father spend the rest of
his life in the State pen

sharing meatloaf with the faggots!

I'll tell you what will
happen if I go down,

all the families will be carving up our

like dogs fighting over a weenie roast!

Every merry little punk from Little Havana

will be trying to get a
slice of the action.

And what about the Colombian?

What Colombian?

"What Colombian?" he says!

Are you a jerk, Salvatore?

Sit down, will you, just sit down!

Next week, Senor Vasquez arrives here
from Colombia to settle a little deal.

What do you think he'll do if
he thinks I've gone down the tube?

I'm getting very worried, Salvatore.
I'm very nervous about the future.


Did you hear that?! It's peptic gas.

It's caused by nervous exhaustion!

Whatever happened
to the ancient Sicilian traditions

of bribery, blackmail and intimidation?

This isn't a local police investigation.
It's the FBI. We can't pay those guys off.

The jury's in a guarded hotel. The
witnesses got round the clock protection.

We can't reach anyone.

Maybe I ought to do
something about it myself then!

You can't. The police surveillance team is
watching every move you make.

They have a TV crew filming you for
a documentary.

They're filming? Filming me? What do
they think I am, a common criminal?

Listen to me, Rico! Take money from
the family account and buy the DA!

Buy the judge! Buy the senator! A lot
of people in this town owe me favors.

I want these favors returned!

We tried. So far there have been no

It looks like people are
turning their backs on you.

That is a very impolite and highly
dangerous thing to do.

This is what I want you to do.

I want you to keep searching
and keep thinking.

Because somewhere, somewhere out
there lies the answer to my problems.

Look at that! You couldn't go near that
unless you had all your own teeth!

Would you Rodders, eh?

You'll get us nicked!

Look! They say smoking's
bad for your chest!

[tour guide] Biscayne Bay is the
center of the Coast Guard service.

As you may know, Miami is
nicknamed "Cocaineville".

And the officers of Biscayne Bay fight a
year-round battle with drug runners.

And coming up on your left is the home
of Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees.

Look! Look there, look!

It's a real-life Bee Gee!

Course it, it ain't.
It's probably the gardener.

It's him! It's Barry Gibb!
All right, bazza!

-Shut up. It's not him.

It is! How deep is your love?

♪ How deep is your love... ♪

I need all this.

["Baby, Baby" by Amy Grant playing]

♪ Baby, baby,
I'm taken with the notion ♪

♪ To love you with the
sweetest of devotion... ♪

Come on, Rodney.
Bellies in.

I still think we should drive to
the campsite now and book in first.

Rodney, look, it's only 7:45.
There's plenty of time to book in.

And there's plenty of time for you to get
drunk after we book in.

-Get drunk?
-Get drunk?

You enjoy putting me down, don't you?

You think I'm a just a one-dimensional
sort of person, don't you?

Well, you're wrong.

The only reason I want to go in to
that club is to make a telephone call,

Because I promised Raquel that I'd
phone her as soon as we arrived.

And what's wrong with the
public call box over there?

You can't get a drink in there.
Come on.

What are we going to do with our luggage?

Well, I tell you what?

Why don't we bring it with us
and we can put it

in the middle of the dance-floor
and boogie round it,

like girls and their handbags
when there's a disco

at the Nag's Head
with their handbags?

There's no need to be sarky.

What are you talking about disco
and boogie? I will not boogie!

Keep your voice down! We're
ambassadors for our country.

We don't want them to think
we're lager louts.

Excuse me, mais oui, mais oui.

[loud pop music]

♪ Stop for a minute,
Baby, I'm so glad you're mine ♪

♪ And ever since the day
You put my heart in motion... ♪

Hey, Juan! Over here.
When you're ready, son.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I am sorry, but
this club is for members only.

You what?

I-I'm sorry, senor.
I did not realize it was you.

Please accept my deepest
and sincerest apologies.


I am honored you should choose
to visit my humble nightclub.

May I offer you a drink?

We'll have a Cuba Libre and
something non-alcoholic.

Of course.

We'll be sitting over there.

I will be with you immediately.

What was all that about?

Gawd knows.

Friendly sort of bloke, weren't he?


There's gonna be a war.

Maybe not.

The only way to prevent it is for
you to find an alibi for my father.

I don't have to find an alibi. I have
to find nine alibis,

How am I supposed
to do that in a week.

How can the Justice Department
treat him like this?

Don't they know who he is?

Yeah. That's the problem.

Mark my words, Salvatore,

the moment the jury foreman
says "guilty", the war begins.

Maybe not.

You keep saying "maybe not"!

What do you think? The rest of the
family's going to sit back on their butts

and pretend the old man is still in power?

They'll go to war. Am I right, Pauly?

You're right, Rico.

-Am I right, Tony?
-You're right, Rico.

-Am I right, Lurch?
-Maybe not.

You see?

There's gonna be a war!

-Senor Ricardo--
-Fransceco, I'm in a meeting!

I am sorry to interrupt.
But I would like to explain.

If I had known he was
coming tonight,

I would have arranged a private room.

If you'd have known who
was coming here tonight?

Your father.

-My father.
-Is this some kind of joke, Frankie?

Don Occhetti is under
virtual house arrest.

He can't get to the john
without the police tailing him.

But he's is here. See for yourself.

How much do we owe you?

Please! It's on the house.
You're my guest.

Come on... yo, Gino. It's Tony.
Is the Don there?

He's in the pool.

Can you actually see him?


Dad's at home.
The guy over there ain't him.

Listen. Tell my father to stay in
his room till I get back tonight.

Just... tell him
I may have a surprise.

Hi! How are you guys doing?

All right... great time.
Smashing, thank you.

Let me guess, you're not local people.

No. We're here on holiday.

-Oh, vacation!

I thought as much. Well...

-Welcome to America.
-Yeah, well, thanks very much, son.

We don't get many Australians here.

-We are not Australian.
-We are British.

British! We love the British!

Are you... living locally?

We've got one of them camper things.
We just whack our bags in the back.

And then off we go.

-It's the best way to see the country.
-You can't whack it, can ya?

No. Like you say, you can't whack
it. So, can I get you guys a drink?

Er... well...

I don't this is wise, Rico.

The thing is, we've got to drive to
the camper park before it closes.

Come on. You must have time for one.

-We could have one, Rodney.
-Yeah. Go on, then.

We'll have a drink. Let's introduce
ourselves. This is my brother, Rodney.

-My name's Del, short for Derek.
-Hi, Rodney. Del.

I'm Rico. This is my cousin
Salvatore and friend Pauly.

Are you enjoying your stay so far?

-Yes. We're having a blinding time.
-Why not join us?

We've got time for one more.

No, really. We're
pushing our luck as it is.

No, he's right. He's right.

One for the road!

Yeah, come on, you got
time for one more.

Yeah, all right, then come on,
have one more.

No, Del. The campsite will be shut.
We'll be locked out for the night.

Whoa! I didn't realize
it was so late.

We've got to be going.
Well, Rodney...

Del Boy!


Thanks. It's been great
meeting you guys.

Thanks a lot. We've enjoyed
your company and everything.

-We'll see you later, then!
-Good to see you.

-What a blinding night, eh, Rodders?
-Yeah. They were nice blokes.

They were diamonds.
They were 42-carat diamonds!

I mean, there we was,

we was drinking all night, and
never put our hands in our pockets!

Oi! What's the matter, Rodders?
What's happened?

-It's all gone!

They nicked everything. Suitcases, flight
bags, duty-free, the lot!

Oh, no...

I don't believe it.
I just do not believe it!

We was only in there half an hour!

Well, four hours. What's gonna happen
now? How are we gonna get home?!

Don't panic. I took the passports
and flight tickets in there with us.

Rodney, oh, Rodney,
you're a saint, mate. Well done!

-Where's the money?
-I left it in the van.

You plonker, Rodney!

-You told me to!

And to leave
the luggage in the back!

-Why didn't you use your initiative?
-I didn't want to go in that club!

All right! Calm down!

Gawd, stone me, I don't know.

How much money have we got
between us now?

-That's all I've got.
-Let's see...

32 dollars, right?
Now, what can we get for £32?



You guys still here?

Let me guess, you decided to come
back and have that one for the road.

No... I wish we had, Rico.
We're thinking of going to the police.

-Why, you got a problem?
-We've been robbed.

-You're kidding.
-I wish we was, Pauly.

They broke into the van
and took everything.

Oh, gee. That is too bad.

God! I feel so embarrassed.

You just arrive and this happens.
What a welcome!

Don't worry, it's just one of them things.

-What are you guys gonna do?
-We don't know what we're gonna do.

We've got no money,
no clothes, no duty-free, nothing!

We'll just have to go down to
the police, get them to sort it out.

Save your breath, Rodney.
The cops'll do diddly-squat.

They don't know their ass
from first base.


Salvatore here is a lawyer.

He could talk to his friends in the
DA's office.

Yeah, first thing in the morning.

Could you do that, Salvatore?
That would be very nice of you.

-Wouldn't it, Rodders?

In the meantime, you two guys
are coming home with me!

-Is this your place, Rico?
-It's my family's.

Very nice!

-What business are you in, Rico?
-We're in, er, insurance and imports.

-Oh, imports and exports?
-No, just imports.

Well, this is it.

-Thank you.

[phone buzzes]


Rico, I want
you up here fast.

I'll be right up.

I'll show you to your guest suite.

Guest suite? We've fallen
on our feet here, bruv.

Did you see him?

Yeah, of course, I saw him!
And I heard him.

What are you doing,
bringing Australians home?

They're not Australian. They're a couple
of English guys over here on vacation.

We put them in the guest suite.

Limeys? What are you doing
bringing limeys in my house,

you know I hate limeys!

We met them at the club on Coco Walk.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing picking up guys
in bars? What is it with you two?!

You getting light on your feet?

Too much air in your Nikes or what?

Listen to me, Pop. These two bozos
could be the answer your prayers.

One of them is dead ringer for you.

Even Fransceco at the club
thought he was serving you.

Look, I saw the man
on the security monitor.

I saw no similarity whatsoever.

He's much taller than me.
He's thinner.

-No, the other one.
-What do you mean,

you mean, the little squirty dude
with the polecat face?!


Ah, I see, Salvatore.


this is your lucky day,
'cos I'm in a good mood.

I'm only gonna break one of yer legs!

And 'cos you're a member of the family,
I'm gonna do it slowly!

Come on, Pop! It was dark outside.
You couldn't see clearly. Tell him, Sal.

It's true, this guy looks just like you.

You know, last year I went to the zoo

and I saw a camel that looked
just like your mother,

but I didn't invite it home and
put it in the guest suit!

So, there's a guy who looks like me.
What's the big deal?

I'll tell you
what the big deal is.

Imagine this guy dressed up
in your clothes.

In my clothes?! What's a matter with you?
Are you outta your mind, or what?

We dress the limey up in your clothes

and we take him out to eat
at a nice restaurant.

Now, while he's having lunch in full
public view, somebody blows him away.

This is something I do not advise.

Everybody will think that the
other families have had you killed.

Even the police surveillance
team will be a witness.

-Don't you see what this means, Pop?

Tell him, Sal.

In the eyes of America, there
will be no more Don Occhetti.

No more Don Occhetti
equals no more trial,

no more trial equals
no more prison sentence.

And while we mourn your passing,

you sneak off to
Rio for a couple of years

long enough for your
plastic surgery to heal.

-And you come back as Uncle, er...

Carlo. From New Jersey.

And take over the family business.


Sometimes during my life I have
doubted that you are my child.

Sometimes I thought the hospital
had screwed up

and given us the baby
of a family from Pittsburgh.

Now I take it all back.
You are definitely my son.

It's brilliant, it's wonderful!

And there'll be one less limey
in the world.

Two, pop. We're giving his brother
a one-way ticket, also.

Have you seen the bog?
It's solid marble!

None of that stick-on gear you get
down the DIY. It's the real McCoy!

Cor! Someone up there loves us.

-Ssh! I'm up to Channel 49.
-How many are there?

-I dunno. It's what I'm researching.
-You should've been a scientist.

Cor, look at this.
Can't be bad, eh?

Here, look at this, eh?

Don't let these limeys call home.

I don't want anyone knowing
about this address.

Lurch is cutting all the phones,
except our business line.

So, as far as everyone in jolly old
England is concerned,

these two guys have vanished
off the face of the earth.

They can blame it
on the Bermuda Triangle, huh?!

-Or the Twilight Zone.
-Or the Twilight Zone!

Whoo! We've struck gold here, bruv!

We'll have to show Rico
our gratitude, get him a present.

Yeah, yeah, we'll do that.

Hey, we've got no money.
Never mind, I'll nip him for a few quid.

Cor blimey, we'd better phone in HQ!

Raquel'll be going spare.

-Oh, the line's dead.
-Well, do that.


'Cos that's what they do
in American films.

Oh, yes!

It's still dead.

[knock at door]

Here you go, Derek.
These are my... uncle's clothes.

They should fit you, he's about
the same size as you.

Yes, well, thanks.
Very nice.

Oh, Rico, I'm sorry, I don't want to be a
pain, but Rodney's got nothing to wear.

No problem. We've got a guy who
works here. He's about Rodney's build.

He'll lend you some of his clothes.


Lurch?! Saucy berk.

Tell Gino to bring up some clothes.

Piece of cake.

Oh by the way, the
old dog's knackered.

-The telephone's not working.

Oh, the telephone!

Couple days ago we had a tropical storm.
Whole area's out.

Don't worry. It'll be back soon.

You guys get some sleep.

Tomorrow we'll go to my
favorite restaurant.


Yeah. Nice little Italian joint.
The food is out of this world.

Believe me, Del,
this place will... kill you.


By the way, wear this suit.
It'll make you look real business-like.


Oh, yes!

This is very me, Rico.

-Back home in England--
-Well, nighty-night.


He's such a nice bloke, isn't he?

They broke the mold
when they made him.


look, Del, don't think I'm getting
paranoid or nothing, but...

did you notice them really
tough couple of blokes

down by the gate
when we drove in?


-And that one downstairs an' all?
-Yeah, so what?

Well, it's most probably
ridiculous, but...

-you don't think that Rico might be--

An 'oofter.

An 'oofter?! What him?! No!
Geroff! He's Italian, ain't 'e.

You can't have an Italian 'oofter.
It's a well-known medical fact!

But they're all blokes!

I know that. It's because
he's a man's man.

You know what else he is?
He's a little gold nugget.

Yeah, that's what he is, Rodney.

A little gold nugget.

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit...


Raquel, I'm glad I've met you.

I was just going to phone Derek as soon
as the lorry had gone.

-Del? But Del's in Miami.

Oh, dear.

Reverend, excuse me for asking, but
why are you blessing a Romanian lorry?

Oh, I'm not blessing the lorry,
it's the contents.

Didn't Derek mention it to you?

No he didn't say... just a minute,
has this got something do with Derek?

Well, yes. He did a time-and-motion
study of the blessing of the wine.

He came up with a novel idea of
doing it en masse as it were,

and I distribute it to the other
churches throughout England.

Oh, hell!


It's been a real money-saver, especially
as Del sells it to us so cheap.

There's just one rather major problem.

It's turned out to be
Romanian Riesling.

Romanian Riesling?!

White wine. Communion wine is meant
to be red. It represents the--

-Blood of Christ.

The other churches are
returning their cases.

I don't want to alarm you, Raquel,

but you may get a call from the
Archbishop of Canterbury's office.

-Oh, God.
-That's what I keep saying.

-We've got some action. Here they come.
-Is it Occhetti?

No, the son and one of the gorillas.

Wait a minute...

What do you reckon, Rico?
Fits like a dream.

-Perfect, Del. Just... perfect.
-Look at that bloke with a camera.

All right, pal?!
Who's that, then, Rico?

Who knows? Tourists, maybe.

-I'm starved. Let's eat.
-Yeah, lovely-jubbly!


We're on South Bay, Fairisle.

Occhetti and the boys have stopped
for lunch at Carlotti's restaurant.

'1325. Miami QS out.'

Don Occhetti.

-Donoketti to you, too.

I am happy you have honored
me with your presence here today.

On behalf of my family and myself
I thank you deeply.

Er, it's all right.
Puskus, puskus.

I will prepare your table. Would you
like to have a drink at the bar?

Yes, thank you, senor.
I've got a diabolical thirst.

Excuse me.

-Is everything to your satisfaction?
-Yes, lovely. Blinding dumplings.


Yeah, that's a lovely-looking cork.

You're supposed to test the bouquet.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, yes! Lovely-jubbly.

-Pour on, Macduff!
-Grazie, signore.

Excuse me, Del.
Gotta go to the john.

Oh, right.
Do one for me, son, will ya?!

I've got to check the plumbing, too.

I've got to go, too.

And me.

I hope it ain't catching!

Must be those onchilados
they had last night!

Cheers, bruv!

Cheers, Del.

Any time now.

-How are you doing?
-Fine, thank you, fine.

We're just talking.
Oh. Sorry to interrupt.

Don't, don't, you're not interrupting.

Hurry up!
Just do it!

Don't pick it up with yer spoon.
Use a fork!

Don't be stupid, Rodney.
It'd roll off a fork.

Now, as I was saying...

I've always had this gift,

wherever I go in the world,
people have always just taken to me.

I mean, you take this
holiday, for example.

OK, the first night, we was robbed,
we was ripped off and lost everything.

But then I bumped in to young
Rico, and he immediately took to me.

I don't know what it is, people like me
and I just don't know why.

It's got me bewildered an' all.

Look at that. I was saving
this dumpling till last!


What's the matter with you?
It hardly touched the ground!

The floor's clean.
Honestly, you and your hygiene.

Del boy.

-Somebody just shot you.

Shot me? Don't worry, Rodders.

-I'm feeling much better now.
-Del, look!

What's the matter with..? Gordon Bennett!

[glass smashes, woman screams]

Made it.

Gee, I hope that wasn't my dessert!

How can you joke at a time like this?

His father has just been shot.

Shut up, Lurch.

Oh, my God. Somebody call
an ambulance. Is he dead?

No, but it was bloody close, Rico!

A bullet, right, come
out of nowhere and it...

If he knew how to use a knife and fork,
he'd be a goner.

Absolutely! There I was,
just eating me dumplings.

Then suddenly, whack!
A bullet hits the back of me chair!

-I mean, you don't need it, Rico!
-No... you certainly do not.

-Here you go, chaps.
-Ah, well done. Looks fine, Rodders.

The bloke who owns the bar said he
offers his deepest respect,

and his loyalty
is beyond question.

-That's nice. Have I met him?

Everywhere I go, people offer me
their deepest respect and kiss me hand.

Derek, have you ever had a go
on one of those?

Have I ever had a go on
one of those, Rodney?

'Course you ain't.

No, I ain't.

Like to try? No sweat, I know the owner.

What, me have a go on one
of those things?!

-No way, Pedro!
-Come on, Del.

First time for every th...
No way, Pedro?

You won't catch me on one of them.

And I always led to believe that you
Brits were a sea-faring race.

We are. We gave you the world's
greatest sailors, pal.

We gave you Nelson,
Drake, Columbus.


All right! Let's have a go.

-Are you sure about this?
-He who dares, Rodney.

We don't want them thinking us
Brits are chicken. Do we?

Certainly not!

Don't be shy. Strattle your weight evenly.

This is the start button.
This is the throttle. OK?

Remember, the faster you go,
the easier it is to stay on.


Yeah, cushty! Oh, God.

Look at that baby go!


That's about far enough now!

-Did he say something then?
-I didn't hear a thing, Rodney.


The steering wheel's stuck!

The steering wheel is stuck!

Now the throttle's stuck!
Rico! Rico! The throttle!

Going a long way out, ain't he?

-He's enjoying himself.
-I know. I'm just saying...

Where are the brakes on this bloody
thing?! Argh! Gordon Bennett!

-What a guy, eh?
-He certainly surprised me.

-Why's that?
-He can't even swim.


[Pilot] We're about 25 miles
off the coast of Florida.

Almost in Miami. Hope it's
better than Washington.

I liked Washington.

Yeah, not much of a beach,
though, was there?

In the last fortnight,

we've been all down the East Coast,
you have done nothing but moan.

That's funny.

What is?

There's a bloke on a ski jet thing.

-We're 25 miles off the coast!

Well, he must know what he's doing.

[Rico talking faintly]

The meeting, with my father,
can go ahead as planned.

Planned, si.

Gracias. I look forward
to meeting you. Lovely-jubbly.


Hi. How are you doing?


I thought that might
be news of Del.

No. I'll let you know
if I hear anything.

-You're not worried are you?

It's just that he left the beach
at 11am, and it's now 8.30pm.

Your brother's one hell of a fun guy.

No, I know.

Can you have fun on a jet-ski
for nine-and-a-half hours?!

Del can.

-I see your phones are working again.

I saw you...

It's a private line.
Purely for business.

I see. So, how come that's working,
when all the others are out?

Search me.

-Can I use that phone for a minute?
-No. I'm expecting an important call.

Right, um, I just wanted to
phone home you know,

tell them where we were in
case they was worried.

There's nothing for them to worry
about Rod, you're with us.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Well, I'll be in my room.
If you hear anything.

You'll be the first to know.


Lurch is bringing the car around front.

The tall one's starting
to ask questions.

Looks like tomorrow, we take him for a
drive and put him out of his misery.

One down, one to go!

[doorbell chimes]

[thunder rumbles]

Good evening, sir.

Officer, is there any
news of my father?

Yes, sir. I'm afraid it's bad news.

Oh, God. Oh, God, no!

-We fished him out three hours ago.
-He's dead?

-No. He's alive and well.

That's what I mean by bad news.

Am I glad to be back, Rico!

It was horrible out there.
Really horrible.

I thought I was a goner, I really did.

I don't know what would have
happened to me

if the police helicopter
hadn't found me!

Why don't you go in the kitchen
and get something to eat?


I could murder a Pina Colada!

Something happened to his voice.
He sounds Australian.

It might be salt on the vocal cords.

Rest assured, Officer. I've got
something for his throat. Goodnight.

You limey turkey! What have
I gotta do to get rid of you?!

-There you go, Alan.
-Great, how much do I owe you?

No, no, they're with Mickey
Pearce on the last one.

[Nine o' Clock News theme music]

-I'll top you up.

Come on, Raquel, you're worrying
about nothing.

Nothing? They've been gone for five days
and we haven't heard a word from them.

And you call that nothing?

What I mean is, there's probably
a simple explanation for it.

Maybe Dave's gone to Brazil
to look at the forest.

Well there you are. You couldn't
get more simple than that.

It's a funny business with Del.

They'll turn up. I just hope
the police catch who did it.

I must be off. Cheers, mate.

Cheers, mate. Stay lucky.

Have you heard from Cassandra?

Yes, she called from the
hotel. She's worried, too.

There's nothing to worry about.

A few years back, my brother went
to Portugal on a golfing holiday.

No-one heard from him
for 3 months.

His wife was phoning Interpol.
My mum was going mad.

But he turned up safe and sound.

Where had he been?

Shacked up with some German tart.

Shut up.

Listen, Raquel, I've known Del a
lot longer than you,

and sometimes he can be a bit forgetful,
especially if he's enjoying himself.

He's probably having the time of his
life. I'm not saying the right thing.

No, you're not.

'Ere, Raquel!


Hang on, I'll turn the sound up.

[TV]The Miami District Attorney has named
this man Public Enemy Number One.

'His web of vice and corruption has spread
throughout the Western hemisphere

and many consider him the most
dangerous criminal since Al Capone.'

There they are!
There's Del and Dave!

Public Enemy Number One?

But he only left Tuesday!

What's happened?

I just got a call from the airport.
The Colombians have landed.

They'll be here any minute.

I want everyone, and I mean everyone
down here to greet them.

We need a show of strength,

let 'em know they're not dealing
with the Boy Scouts.

No problem.

Where are the limeys?

Don't worry, I've taken care of them.
They're busy.

Whack it back to me,
for God's sake's, Rodney!

I'm trying to whack it back.
I'm not very good at tennis.

No, really?

I've had enough of this.
I'm going in.

Oh! Just 'cos you're losing!

You here, Rico?


Tony? Is anybody about?


Mrs. Trotter, telephone for you.

Excuse me.

-Cass? It's me Rodney.

Where are you, what's happened?
Are you all right?

Steady on, listen...
we're both fine. Right?

Come on, you jerks!
Answer the phone!

[phone buzzes]

[posh voice]
Hello? Battersea Dogs' Home.

Woof! Woof! Rowr!

I've been so worried about you.

-Have you?

I didn't take the interview.
They let me off on compassionate grounds.

So you could have come with me after all?

Not without the help of a fortune-teller.
I didn't know you'd go missing.

I suppose not.


Where are you?

You're not in our roo-oom!

I wish you could have come, Cass.
The people are so nice.

If you hadn't booked that particular week,
I would have been with you.

Yeah, well I mean, I didn't actually
book the tickets, Del did.

Del? No, he couldn't. He knew I was
in Eastbourne that week.

I suppose he thought...
he knew? What do you mean he knew?

Yes, I told him over lunch
when the seminar was.

So why'd did he book that
particular week?

Isn't it obvious? So he
could get a free bloody holiday!


Come on! Come out, come out,
wherever you are!


Are you there, Roddy-Woddy?

Oh, yes. This is very nice.

This is a bit of me, this is!

'Cos I am a Byzantine
sort of bloke!

Where are you hiding,
you little scallywag?

You git!

You rotten, conniving git!

You are the most selfish bastard
I've ever come across!

Do you know who I just spoke to?

[Don Occhetti grunts hoarsely]

Cassandra! That's shaken you!

You knew all along she wouldn't be
able to make this trip, didn't you?

You knew she had a seminar in
Eastbourne and you didn't tell me!

No! You kept that well quiet so you
could come on this bloody holiday!

-Where'd you get that stupid tracksuit?

Don't talk to me! I don't want
to hear none of your excuses!



You ain't sleeping in here tonight!
Find somewhere else!

What's up with you, soppy?

You know what's up!

You knew Cassandra couldn't come
away with me because she told you!

Ah! Now you come to mention it...

-she did say something.
-You planned it!

You went to the travel agent and
booked it so you could come away!

Listen, just calm down!
Please, Rodney!

I'll, er...
I'll try and explain everything.

You see, the thing is...

that wine deal of mine has
gone right up the pictures.

I had a call from Bucharest. The first
load they delivered was white wine!

I just didn't know what to do.

You know me,

there's only two things in the world that
worry me, and that's doctors and gods.

I was frightened of being cursed.

So I thought if I came over here
like to Miami, he wouldn't find me.

That's the only reason I did it, Rodney,

I just wanted to lay
low for a spell.

Yeah! On my pension money!

You are the most horrible, dirty
little... how did you get in 'ere?

How did you get changed so quickly?

What do you mean how did I get changed.
I've been in this all morning.

I don't understand this.
I was talking to you outside.

You couldn't have done because
I was in the carzey en suite.

Derek, I've just been rowing with
you out on that landing!

You were wearing
a pink and green tracksuit!

A pink and green track...


Have you, er... taken anything?

The only thing I've taken
is a load of cobblers from you!

I was talking to you on that landing or...

Or what?

Or someone who looks like you.

Someone who looks like me?
You mean like, like a double?


Oh, dear.


I see.

-You know what this means, don't ya?

That you're a bigger plonker
than I thought you were!

All right! Well, you go and have
a look for yourself, he's out there!

I will, if it'll shut you up,
you little dipstick!

I don't know what
the world is coming to.

I'm a prisoner in my own home.

And all because of those
goddamned sorry-assed limeys!



Look, dippy. That's what it was,
look. Your reflection!

How can I have a row
with a bloody reflection?

So what do you want to do?
Go and check it out then.

I'll go down there and keep a look-out.

Oh! Cushty!

Do it yourself, Del. Go on, then.

I hate limeys! I hate limeys!

That's a bit of Chippendale, innit?


I hate limeys! I hate them,
I hate them, I hate them!

[rattle and crash of bottles]


I'm so pleased that you
could make it, Senor Vasquez.

I've looked forward to meeting you.

Del, hurry up, someone's coming!

They're trying to kill me!
Fromage frais!

[voices approaching]

How was your flight?

Father, the Colombians have arrived.
Senor Vasquez and Senor Herrera.


I'll be in the other room
if you need me.


Don Occhetti, I am honored
to meet you, sir.

Em, excuse me, my
Engleesh is no good.

Er, Bonetti.


Bonetti. Bonetti.

We bring the final
formation, er...


IN-formation concerning
our business transaction.

Business transaction? Cushty!

-You will read, please.
-All right.

What is this exactly?

-It is the firmation--

Confirmation. Confirmation.

-regarding delivery of merchandise.
-Oh, smashing.

Smashing. What sort
of merchandise is it, then?

Senor, it is the finest,
the purest, the very best...


Oh, it's coc-c-c-c...


17 tonnes.

It is on a yacht anchored offshore.

We wait. We await your instructions.

Don Occhetti, where, delivery of
merchandise in the boat...

you know?


In the boat, delivery, yeah.

I tell you what, why don't you
deliver it tonight, midnight,

in... do you know Biscayne Bay?

Deliver the merchandise
to Biscayne Bay.

Biscayne Bay.






-Baiy. Baiy.

Biscayne Bay.

-Er is it safe? Safe?
-Don't worry.

The cocaine will be safe
there, all right.

Someone will meet us there?

I'm sure. Don't worry, they'll be
someone there to meet you all right.

Good. Good.

[faint voices outside]
Business with you is very good.

[gush of water]

Room who, who?

-Whom room?

Whom in the room?
That's a good question.

Whom is in there?

That is the bathroom.
And that's my girlfriend in there.

-Que dice este hombre?
-Don Occhetti's senorita.

Oh, yes, yes! Senorita!


The senorita had a double helping of
chili con carne last night.

I told her not to, I mean told her.

But you know what they're like!

Look at the time. I think that will
conclude our business, then gentlemen.

Good. All right, then.
Well, thank you. Thanks.


-We will be picking soon.
-Picking soon? Yeah, OK.


Bonetti. Bonetti.

Didn't you hear me knocking? Rico
brought two blokes up to that room.

Rodney, we are in deep,
deep shtuck!

This is Mafia country!

-Yeah! Sssh! Sssh!

Come here.

Sit down there.


Rico, Salvatore, and all them other
guys, they're all mafioso!

And remember, you said to me that

you thought you saw a bloke
what looked like me?

Well, there is one! He's got
a room down there.

His name is Don Occhetti,
and he is the boss!

I'm telling you, Rodney.
This is Marlon Brando time!


I've just read a newspaper down
there. It's all about him.

He's up for trial, and he's well
in the frame.

He's going to go down the kermit and spend
the rest of his life in the nick!

-What for?
-What for?!

Drug-running, kidnapping and three,
you count 'em, three murders!

That's what all this has been about,
Rodney. Don't you understand?

They've been trying to kill me.

Del, don't you think you might be letting
your imagination run away with ya.

I wish I was, Rodney, I wish I was.

Take a look at that, pal!

I've just been having a tete-a-tete
with two Colombian drug barons!

-Bloody hell, Del. He's a Mafia boss.
-What do you think I've been saying!

Oh, cosmic!

Cos, bloody, mic!

-I've just roughed him up.

I have just roughed
up a Mafia boss!

I've called him a git.

I just called a Mafia boss--

-Pull yourself together!
-A git!

I tell ya,

These aren't the sort of people you
want to spend your holidays with.

I tell you another thing, too.

That Rico, he can forget the
present we was going to buy him!

Let's get out of here.

How can we? We can't go downstairs
because they're all there.

Let's get out before I wake up with
a bloody horse's head on me pillow!

Go on.

Go on. Go on.

Look at this!

Careful. Something sharp's up there.

[material rips]

How the hell did this happen?

I don't know, Pop. Last
time I saw it, it was fine.

Leave it. I'll get Lurch can do it.


-The Colombians seemed happy.

Maybe they won't be so happy after
we've had our meeting. Show them up.

-Show them up? They just left!

What the hell they come all this way
and then leave without talking to me?!

But you had your meeting, Pop. I brought
them in... how did you change so quick?

I've been in this all morning.
I've been working out.

Oh, God!

The limey.

I'm in court tomorrow morning.


-Do something, you stupid jerk!
-Don't worry. I'll get them back.

Are you enjoying the ride, boys?

Oh, yes! Lovely, Miss Daisy.

I don't believe this!

It's supposed to be a getaway. At this
rate, we'll be done for kerb-crawling.

Well, this is about as far as I go.

-Thanks for the lift.
-Yeah, thank you.

Have a nice trip back to Australia.

-We're not Australian! We're English.
-Just leave, come on, she's old!

[brakes screech]

Over there. Come on.

Are you sure it was them?

How many guys are running around the
Everglades dressed like Jimmy Connors?

Come on Rodney! Where's your stamina?

Bloody hell!

Help me out of here, Rodney!

-Come here. Come on.
-I can't!


Oh, Gordon Bennett! What the hell
is that stuff, anyway?

We must be in the Everglades!

Looks more like a swamp to me!

It is...

Not now.

Oh, Rodney, get me home, will ya?

Back to England's green and pleasant land,
and those dark, volcanic mills.


Look, Del,
let's just have a rest, eh?

We're safe enough.
Nobody could find us in here.

Look! Me hands are bleeding, me clothes
are torn. Me arse is soaking wet.

And you're still whining.

Yes, it's all right for you, innit?
If I get piles, you can have half!

[bird chirps]

Del boy.

Shut up, Rodney!
You're getting on my nerves.

I want you to do something, Derek.

I want you to stand up
and very slowly walk away.

-What is this? "Simple Simon Says"?!
-Very slowly walk away, Del.

We don't want to alarm it.

-Alarm what?
-That thing behind us.

You mean th-that thing?

Get out!

That was a bloody crocodile, Rodney!

It weren't a crocodile.

I know a crocodile when I come face to
face with one! I've seen Tarzan films!

Oh! Oh!

-It was an alligator.
-Same thing, innit?

No, it's not. They may look alike
and they're from the same family--

-Do they eat ya?

Same thing then, innit?
Who the hell let it out?

They live here, in the Everglades.

"They"? You mean to say
there's more than one of them?

Yeah. But don't panic.

It's rare to see them during the day.
They're normally nocturnal.

Nocturnal? Are you saying that at tea-time
there'll be millions of the gits?


I just don't believe it!

I've got to be honest with you, Rodney.

All in all, I'm beginning to wish that I
hadn't come on this holiday with you!

Don't you blame me. I didn't invite
you, Derek! You invited yourself!

[mechanical whirr]

Listen! Listen to that!

It's a boat!

We're saved!

Get down, Rodney! Get down!

It could be the Mafia.

-What are they doing on a boat?
-Water skiing!

Look, Marlene! An eagle!

It's not an eagle. It's a heron!

Right. Let's take some photographs.

Marlene, just for a moment there,
I thought I saw--

-Gordon Bennett!
-It's Del and Rodney!

Ooh-hoo, Del!

-Get over here! Quick!

-What are you doin' here?
-I didn't kiss you goodbye at Gatwick!

Get that boat over here, quick!

Wayne, get over there!

[motor starts]

-All right, Del?
-Terrific, sweetheart.

Come on, Rodders.

Good God! You smell
like a vegetarian's fart!

-At least my house hasn't been burgled!

-A joke! A joke! Let's go!
-Wayne, let's go.

Rico, as your lawyer,

I'm asking you to consider
your actions carefully

before you do anything
you might regret.

OK, I'll consider it.

-Everyone, duck!


-That's why.
-Get a bloody move on, Wayne!

Hey do you hear that Curtis,
some jerk's out there loosing off lead!

Come on. Let's go.

Everything was going well.

-We were having a lovely holiday.
-Stop moaning.

Then they turn up and within fifteen
seconds we get shot!

You've done nothing but moan
ever since we left Washington.

Get that bloody boat in,
for Gawd's sake!

Rodney, hang about a minute.

Rodney, let's go home!

Del, our plane doesn't leave
till tomorrow night.

I know, but we could sleep
at the airport.

At least we'll be that much closer
to dear old England.

Give us a lift to the airport,
will ya, Boycie.

[news report] Last night,
coastguards from Biscayne Cove

boarded a Colombian yacht
and discovered 17 tonnes of cocaine.

Also on board was the wanted
drug baron, Alberto Vasquez.

He was taken to Miami police central wher
he is being questioned by FBI agents.

The tipoff for the arrest came

when details of the delivery were left
in a Florida park ranger's office.

But the big story today,

in Miami Superior Court,
Don Vincenzo Occhetti,

head of the most powerful
Mafia family in America,

was found guilty of
drug-running, kidnapping,

and three counts of conspiring
to commit murder.

He was given six life sentences
to run concurrently.

His son, Ricardo Occhetti,
was arrested yesterday

for illegal hunting in the
Everglades National Park

and for possessing an
unlicensed firearm.

Police are now looking for two Australians

who may be able to assist
them with this matter.

[theme from The Godfather plays]

Welcome home, boys!

♪ Hot town, summer in the city
My neck gettin' dirty, gritty ♪

♪ Been down, isn't it a pity ♪

♪ There's doesn't seem to be
A shadow in the city ♪

♪ All around me
People lookin' half dead ♪

♪ Walkin' on the sidewalk
Hotter than a match head ♪

♪ But at night, it's a different world,
Go out and find a girl ♪

♪ Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
Despite the heat, it'll be all right ♪

♪ And baby, don't you know it's a pity
The days can't more like the nights ♪

♪ In the summer, in the city
In the summer ♪

♪ In the ci-ty! ♪

♪ Cool down, even in the city, I'm dresse
so fine and lookin' so pretty ♪

♪ I'm a cool cat, lookin' for a kitty ♪

♪ I better look in every
Corner of the city ♪

♪ Till I'm wheezin' at the bus stop ♪

♪ Runnin' up the steps, I'm going
to meet you on the rooftop ♪

♪ But at night, it's a different world,
Go out and find a girl ♪

♪ Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
Despite the heat, it'll be all right ♪

♪ And baby, don't you know it's a pity
the days can't more like the nights ♪

♪ In the summer, in the city
In the summer ♪

♪ In the ci-ty, yeah! ♪