Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 6, Episode 6 - Little Problems - full transcript

So then the obstetrician takes me and Marlene into
this room and they've got a scanning machine, you know,

one of them things they can
see right inside the womb.

Suddenly on this monitor screen
we saw this shape. It was amazing.

What was it?

It was a baby. What do you
think it was, a Cornish pasty?

I mean, was it a boy or a
girl?

I don't know. They don't
give you a close-up!

But I could just tell by the
proud way it held its head that it was my child.

Blown all them rumours to
bits then, ain't it?

Yeah, that's right. The
doctors... What rumours?

Well, a lot of people
thought Marlene was imagining it,



you know, like a
phantom pregnancy.

Oh no, I've seen the proof.
It's all pukka.

'Course there's still a long way to go;
the baby's head is not yet engaged.

But Rodney Trotter is.
Look at him, poor little sod.

If he's like this now,
how's he gonna be like come the wedding?

I've heard two of the
bridesmaids are Samaritans.

Come on, cheer up, son. It
ain't the end of the world.

So you've failed some
silly little exam.

I did not fail some silly
little exam.

You didn't pass, did you?

It happened to be an extremely important exam.

If I had passed that
I would now have a diploma in computer science.

It would have been the
foundations of a real career.

Instead of which I have all the prospects and
future of a Sinclair C5.



I just wanted to be somebody
in Cassandra's eyes.

With that diploma I could have
applied for a proper job.

Look on the bright side,
son.

You'd have most
probably failed the interview.

I've already passed the
interview.

How d'you mean?

You promise you won't say
a word to Del?

Cassandra's dad's offered me a position
in his company.

See, he's expanding the computer
section and he wants me to help run it.

'Course, he was under the impression
that this diploma exam was a foregone conclusion.

Who told him that?

Me. But that's not the
only thing.

See, me and Cassandra, we found this really nice flat.
It's really nice, you know, it's modern, everything.

The only thing is we've got to put
down a six-grand deposit.

Cassandra is taking 2,000 out of her savings,

her mum and dad are giving us
two grand as a wedding present

and it's up to me
to find the other two.

Where am I gonna find 2,000 pounds?

With my savings and salary we'll be lucky
if we get a weekend in a time-share tent.

It was gonna be so good until
that bloody exam.

You can do one of two
things, Rodney.

You can go down the council and see if
they've got a place

or you can sell your share of the
business to Del for 2,000 pounds.

That's not a bad idea, Unc.
I hadn't thought of that.

Yeah, I'll go down the
council this afternoon.

Look at this. What have I got?

Executive mobile phone,
solid state of the art.

You can phone someone
from the top of a mountain with one of these.

It's all to do with
statellites or something.

They normally retail at ?199.99.
I got them for 25 nicker each.

Where'd you get them from?

You know that Mickey Pearce
and Jevon?

They started trading, you know, so I
said I'd help them out. I've got a hundred of them.

A hundred? Well, that two
thousand five hundred pound.

I didn't know we had
that sort of money in the firm.

No, no, no. I've got them
on sale or return, haven't I?

What I don't sell I return. Lovely Jubbly.
So how did it go last night?

How'd you mean?

Well, down at the night school.
You got the results of the exam.

Mr Jamille said he hadn't had a chance
to look at everyone's work yet.

You've passed, Rodney.
I can feel it.

With your diploma and my yuppy image
we're on our way up

and to celebrate the occasion I've
just been down the printers

and I have ordered 200 of these ?
Trotters Independent Traders headed notepaper.

This'll let them know we're around.

What's all those initials?

Modern business people only
speak in initials, don't they?

You've got FT, Financial Times, BA, British Airways,
GLC, General 'Lectric Company.

And we've got a list of company
directors and all that.

Oh yeah, you and me.

What's these initials after
my name? DIC.

No, that is Diploma in
Computerisation, Rodney.

It's got impact, they'll see our high
profile coming a mile off.

Del, thanks to your high profile we now have a
company called TIT

and a director with DIC after his name.

No, no, no. That stands for Trotters Independent
Traders and DIC is Diploma in... TIT.

I see what you mean Rodney.
I'll better get on to the printer's on my executive mobile phone.

- Compliments of the stud.
- Who is that? It's Boycie. Alright? Cheers.

Mike, come and have
a look at this.

An executive mobile phone.
I can let you have this for what I paid - 40 nicker.

- Forty eh? Nice-looking model.
- It's top of the range.

That aerial's a bit
urgent, ain't it?

It's called instant aerial.
It's a feature of this particular model, you see.

I'll show you how it works.
I'll give you a little demonstration.

First of all you press there...

I know what that is,
the statelite has moved out of position.

Hang about, there'll be
another one along in a minute.

I think I'll stick to the
phone in the public bar, Del.

I'll let you have it for 35 quid. I don't
mind losing a fiver for a mate.

Don't worry. This time next
year we'll be millionaires.

I thought Rodney said that video recorder could only
work on continental electric?

Yeah, that's why I popped over to Calais
and got myself a couple of bucketfuls of it this morning.

No, it's alright. Here, you know that Chinese kid
who lives over in Desmond Tutu house?

He's a bit of a boffin when it comes to the old
electronics so I got him to fit an adaptoron the back of it for me.

The Chinese kid?

The one you always said was
stupid?

He's not stupid That Chinese kid is a bit of a genius
when it comes to the old electronics.

That diploma exam of yours
wasn't as easy as you thought it'd be.

Who told you that? Was that Albert?

No, no, it wasn't. I bumped into that Mr Jamille,
that teacher at your training college.

Del, everything I did in that
examination was correct -

well, except for one minor
miscalculation.

You see, we had to program a computer with
a mock flight plan.

It was supposed to be an unmanned
space probe. Stupid.

We was all given the information,
you know: navigational data,

analysis of payload ratio to
engine capacity.

Yeah, well, you need all that,
don't you?

But I got a bit
confused between litres and gallons right?

Round here in Peckham we don't have much dealing
with continental measurements.

So I didn't program enough fuel and my probe fell
slightly short of Venus.

He mentioned to Dartford.

Listen, soppy, you don't actually
know that you haven't passed.

I mean, no one's told you that
you've failed.

Del, I do not need a weatherman
to tell me when it's peeing down.

Mr Jamille handed out all the diplomas
the other night except for me.

Well, you know, maybe he was busy,
maybe he hadn't got round to looking at your yet.

Del don't patronize me.
Look, I naused it up and that's all there is to it.

Right, OK. You know best.
But Mr Jamille asked me to give you this.

He wanted me to appologise
for him

and say he was very sorry
but he'd been very busy

an' he's only just got round
to looking at your work.

All that whinging and
whinning and you'd passed all the time.

- I don't believe it!
- Here you are Rodney, you've done it!

- I'm proud of you.
- Cheers Del!

Now you can get that job you wanted,
can't you?

Yes, I won't have any prob...
Who told you that? Was that Albert?

No, it was not Albert;
It was Cassandra's dad.

You've met Cassandra's dad?

Well, yeah, he's got that
little printing firm

and I wanted to get them
letterheads printed,

and I thought I'd take the business down
to him, you now, keep it in the family.

He's a nice bloke that Alan.
We had a nice chat and a drink.

But Cassandra's dad don't
drink.

Oh no, but this was a special
occasion, wasn't it?

The heads of two great households
meeting for the first time.

Well, it was a bit like a summit,
so anyway we had a couple of scotches

and that's when he told me he'd offered
you the job.

You're not upset, are you?
'Cos I mean I'm breaking up the partnership.

Oh our partnership.
Don't worry about that Rodney, you're doing the best thing.

No you've got to go with that Alan 'cos you
know he can offer you a future

which is more than I can.

Anyway, you've got to have a proper job to get a
mortgage for your new flat.

Who told you that?
Was that Cassandra's dad?

No, Albert told me. So what you
doing about the deposit then?

Oh I dunno, mate. Where am I
gonna get two thousand pounds?

- Off your big brother.
- What?

I'm giving you 2,000
pounds as a wedding present.

Where are you gonna get that
sort of money?

I'm owed it, ain't I? I'll
just call in my debts.

What, you mean I can tell
Cassandra and her dad?

You can tell the Daily
Mirror for all I care!

Well. That'll be her. Cheers!

Where are you gonna get all that
money from?

You know these video recorders I sold
along Boycie a few months ago.

Well, he still hasn't weighed in
with the old dosharoonies.

So I'll get the money off
him and give it to Rodney

and it'll all be rez de chasse,
as they say in the Dordogne.

Look who's here.

- Hello darling, alright?
- Hello, Del. Alright Albert.

- Hello, love.
- You passed.

Oh you clever old thing.

Oh well, you know, it was
nothing.

Oh by the way, would you ask your dad how
he'd like the deposit paid?

You know, cash or cheque.

- You got the 2,000?
- Of course.

I don't think he cares if
it's cash or a cheque.

Oh well, that's cool.

- You're going out tonight, sweetheart?
- Yes, we're going to see an Italian film.

Oh getting in the mood for
your honeymoon in Rimini, eh?

Oh shut up.

Here, how you gonna understand
that film if it's all in foreign?

No, it's got English subtitles underneath.

Oh Albert wouldn't bother
with the subtitles.

- He can speak Italian?
- No, he can't read.

Oh that's a coincidence.
My dad's just come home with one of these.

Has he? Oh well, there's a thing.
Hope your mum's pleased.

Well, no actually, he came home
absolutely plastered.

Go on, sit down!
Where's the machine?

It's gonna be alright now.
Alright? Here we go. I've done it at last!

We're off and running!

Oh that stupid Chinese kid.
Why did I ever trust him?

Right, I'll see you later,
then.

Yeah go on, enjoy the film.

Here, I'm really pleased
Rodney's got his diploma.

Lucky you bumped into that
Mr Jamille, innit?

- How much d'you give him?
- 150.

It comes complete with batteries

plus a little attachment so you can attach it
to the dashboard of your car.

and all of that for 35 pounds.

Del, watch my lips very
closely. I do not want one.

Only an idiot would buy
one of those things.

- You got one?
- No, I haven't... I'm thinking of getting one though.

Well done, Trigg. I'll show
you how it works, shall I?

Excuse me, gentlemen, business.
Bocie, can I have a word with you?

When are you gonna weigh in with the money
for those video recorders I sold you.

Del, I have told you before
I am not paying you for them. They don't work.

Listen, I've solved that
problem.

There's a little Chinese kid over on my
estate, now he's an electronic genius,

now you give me the three and a
half that you owe me

and I'll get him to fix adaptors on all your
machines. They'll sell like hot cakes.

Del, I've got to be honest with you.
I am skint.

Oh don't give me that,
Boycie.

It's the truth! Marlene's
pregnancy is costing me an arm and a leg.

She's at a dodgy age for knocking out
her first chavvy.

She needs to be under constant surveillance
by a very expensive group of medical experts.

She's already had
a week in a private ward.

Can't she go on the National
Health?

Well, of course she can't.

I can't expect my wife to mix
with all those ordinary patients.

Have you seen the
way some of them dress?

Look, I've got Rodney?s
wedding coming up. I need that money.

I am just potless, Del, and that is no lie.
It's the kipper's season, nobody is buying cars.

I will pay you that money as soon as things pick up.

It'll be too late by then!

I am sorry, Del Boy.
You cannot get blood out of a stone.

Oh talking of blood, I heard
the Driscoll brothers were looking for you.

Driscoll brothers looking for me?
What they looking for with me?

I never deal with
the Driscoll brothers. I make sure of that.

Well, perhaps they want to
look at Rodney's wedding list?

Very funny.

Half a shandy, please,
Michael.

I guessed I'd find you here,
you toerag.

Alan, what a pleasant
surprise.

Here, look who's here.
Cassandra's dad, Rodney's future father-in-law.

Let me shake you by the hand,
Alan.

You're a brave man
letting a Trotter into your family.

Rodney's is a good lad, I like him.

That's right. He's one in a
million.

Now you come and sit down over here, Alan,
get away from all this riff-raf. What you drinking.

Just a lemonade for me,
thanks Del.

That drink I had with you last week,
it knocked me sideways.

I hardly touch the stuff these
days, and Pam, my wife,

she doesn't really agree with
drinking.

You ought to get out of her,
you know, get yourself a younger model.

Yeah, but she's been with me
for so long she's almost one of the family.

Go on, I'll have a small scotch,
but that's me lot.

Alright, then. Can I have a
small scotch and the usual for me, please.

Here, what
you done to your eye?

Oh yeah, the aerial on that
phone you sold me came out a bit fast.

Oh yeah? Well you had a few
sherbets, hadn't you though?

Anyway, what you doing round
here?

I got bit bored.
There's something wrong with our television.

So I thought I'd pop round
here and have a chat about the wedding arrangements.

You know, I think you should make some sort of
contribution to the proceedings.

Oh yeah, of course.

I mean, what sort of a hall
do you think we should hire?

Well, you know, I don't
think we ought to go mad, you know,

it's only a registry office wedding,
ain't it, eh?

Actually, he's got a very nice hall
here, you know, and it's cheap.

D'you know if I had my way
that's exactly where we'd hold the reception

a good old knees-up in a pub and
plenty of jellied eels.

Well, this place is perfect,
innit? And it's cheap.

Yeah, yeah. But my wife Pam,
she's gone all up-market on the idea.

She wants to hold the reception in a cricket
club pavilion or the country club.

Oh yeah, she's got it all planned out.
It's all Dom Perignon and caviar.

Not a jellied eel in sight.
So what do you think?

Well, I reckon you ought
to put your foot down, you know.

How much is this
gonna cot me then?

Cost you? Oh Del, it's not
gonna cost you a penny.

My only child's getting
married and I'm paying for the lot.

Yeah, but I thought you
said you wanted me to make a contribution.

Yeah, with ideas and
opinions.

Actually, your
missus has got a point, hasn't she?

You know, I don't think that you and me
ought to be selfish, should we?

After all, it is for the happy couple,
it is their big day.

You don't like those sort of
surroundings, do you?

I mean champagne, caviar,
country clubs.

Oh no, Alan, I hate it,
I hate it, it's all put on.

I mean, those people just do things
for effect.

Boycie, Trigg, your minicab's
here.

You two still haven't got the
hang of those revolving doors, have you?

Can we have a word, Del?

Yeah, 'course you can yeah.
Michael, get Mickey and Jevon a drink, will you?

Those mobile phones we gave you.
You got the money for them yet?

Of course I haven't.
I haven't sold 'em yet.

- Oh my Goodens!
- Oh bloody hell!

What's up with you two?

I'll see you, Del.

Yeah, cheers, Alan. Glad you
enjoyed the drink.

Here, Del, that's a stroke
of luck.

He's hired my hall for the wedding reception
and I'm doing all the food and drink.

Where am I gonna
get jellied eels from?

I'll talk to you later.
I don't believe it!

See, those phones we gave you Del,
they weren't ours.

We could have had a nice
country club.

We had them on sale or
return, same as you.

We could have been eating
caviar instead of Mike's scotch eggs.

Del, they want their money.

I'm a caviar person, me, you know, most probably.
Who wants their money?

- The Driscoll brothers.
- The Driscoll brothers?

You two have been dealing
with the Driscoll brothers?

Only with those mobile phones.
We thought they'd be a good seller.

They did that to you, ain't they?
And your Gregory.

That is their trademark, they
don't touch the face

but they knock the hell out of
the body.

Danny Driscoll said this was
a friendly warning.

I'm sorry, Del, we had to tell
him you'd taken the phones.

They've got it in their
heads that you're trying to con them.

They're looking
for you, Del.

I know, I know. I've had a
warning. But let me tell you this:

If I end up supporting a flyover on the M26,

I guarantee that you two
are gonna be in the next junction.

Let me get you a drink, gentlemen.

Alright, what is all this
about the Driscoll brothers?

Nothing, nothing at all.

Listen, if the Driscoll brothers
come in here asking for me,

you ain't seen
me, alright?

Listen, I've heard of the
Driscoll bothers, Del,

but I've never seen them.
What they look like?

Well, one of them looks like
he was evicted from the planet of the apes.

Yeah, and the other one
reminds me of Cliff Richard.

What, he's younger than his
years?

No, he's got one of them faces
that you wanna slap.

Here, Trigg, did you get
Alan off home alright?

Yeah. There was almost an
accident.

The minicab driver nearly reversed into
the Driscoll brothers' Mercedes.

The Driscoll brothers are here?
What door they coming in?

Well, I dunno. They're just
getting out the car.

Upstairs! Hide in the hall.
Quickly!

Boycie, how nice.

Hello, Danny. Your brother
not with you?

Oh wotcher, Tony.

Drink?

No. Is that right Marlene's
up the spout?

Dear, dear, dear. Will you let us know the moment
you find out who done it and we'll sort him out.

Yeah, righto, Danny.

Yeah, good one, Danny, good one.

Del Boy around?

No, no. I ain't seen him this
evening.

Well, that's funny.
His van's in the car park and - what's this?

A Castella, a Malibu reef.
Are you sure he's not around? Think hard, guv'nor.

Well, he may have been in
earlier and then he left!

I see. You just had this
place decorated?

Shame. I wanna buy everyone
in this pub a drink, whatever they want.

Now here's
a pound and I want change.

Large cognac, please, Michael.

Keep still.

Trigg, what you doing here?
It's got nothing to do with you.

What are you doing
here with us?

I dunno really. You said
quick upstairs so I just went.

There's a doorknob there, Tony.
Why don't you just turn it like a human being?

Let's try the bogs.

They're going!

We're in the clear.

He's got one of our phones
up his nose.

That's a good idea, innit?

- Everything alright Del?
- Fine, I just got this phone stuck up my nose, that's all.

- Tony, help the man.
- That's alright Tony, I can do that.

I thought I said I didn't
want to see your faces round here any more.

- Yes, Mr Driscoll.
- Thank you Mr Driscoll.

- That goes for you too.
- Yeah, but...

Go on Trigg, see you later.

You owe us 2,000 pounds.
You got the money?

No, of course I haven't.
I haven't sold the phones yet, have I?

Don't give us that, Derek.

Them two youngsters Ebony
and Ivory took the phones from us

over three months
ago.

Three months? I didn't know
that, Danny.

Do you think we're stupid?

Do you think I'm stupid?

Them two munchkins work for
you and you're doing a bit of a Fagin,

but you picked
the wrong ones this time.

If you don't come up with the
two grand

I'm gonna take his collar and lead off and let
him loose on you.

Hang on! You got it wrong,
you've got it all wrong.

I tell you what: you can have
all the phones back.

I don't want all that old
rubbish back.

They used to make our telly
go funny.

And that model's old now,
and at least one of them's been up your hooter.

You've got to give me a bit
of time.

I mean, you two
ain't short of a couple of grand, can yer?

And you know why we ain't
short a few bob?

'Cos we don't let debts linger.

Can we explain something to you, Del?

When me and Tony were kids we was
very, very poor.

Our old man used to work in the
stables in one of them big mansion houses.

He used to work from six in the morning
'til eight at night and what for? A pittance.

A shilling a day and a
horseshit sandwich.

Then one day there was a
robbery at the mansion.

The bill arrested our old man,
but there wasn't any evidence, was there?

- That's right - just fingerprints.
- Just fingerprints.

And eyewitnesses.

Couple of eyewitnesses...
They found the jewels on him.

It was a plant.

It was a right fit-up.
He died in a police cell with a fractured skull.

They said it was a suicide attempt that went wrong,
or right, whatever way you look at it.

They claimed he tried to hang himself with
his braces

and smashed himself to death on the
ceiling. Do you believe that?

No, no, I don't believe that, no.

The day he died, Tony and me swore that...

...no one would ever dump on us and we would
never, never be poor.

Wait a minute! After your
dad died you two went to a young offenders' home,

and who was it that used to
look after your old mum

with some hooky groceries and a bag of coal and all that ?
it was me, weren't it, eh?

Come on, you owe me. No, I mean, you owe me
a bit of time at least.

- He's right.
- No, he ain't.

- We owe him.
- I don't think we do.

Tony, we had an agreement -
I do the thinking, you don't.

Alright, Del, you
got yourself a bit of time.

Cheers, cheers, Danny.
When will I see you again?

- Dunno. We'll surprise you.
- Good. I'll look forward to that.

- Get the money.
- Right.

Either you pay us or we pay you.

Oh hello, Danny. Just popped
up to see if you needed any help.

No, I think we handled it
pretty well on our own. Be seeing you soon.

Del, Mickey Pearce has just told me you got some
electrionic equipment off the Driscolls.

- Yes, that's right.
- It's not those video recorders you sold me, is it?

- Yes!
- God, do the Driscolls know?

I haven't said anything,
you know, yet.

Well, you're not gonna tell
them I got them, are you?

Look, they wanna give
someone a good hidin'.

Tell us
what it was like, won't you, Boycie?

Here... Here's most of the
money I owe you.

I thought you said you was kint?

I thought I was but then I suddenly
happened to find three grad in my pocket.

Square it with the
Driscolls. Keep them off me.

Of course I will, Boyce.
What are friends for?

So remember, Rodney, marriage
is like a self-service restaurant

you get what you want, you see what your mates
got and you want some of that.

I remember my stag night,
Rodney. It was about one o'clock in the car park

and I was just about to stagger
home when they jumped out on me.

Who, who jumped out on you?

I dunno. It was pitch black.

Anyway, they super-glued a
learner sign to me pants and run off and left me.

I didn't mind the learner sign.
I just wish they'd let me keep my trousers.

You didn't, you didn't
have no trousers on?

- No, Rodney, no.
- I'm just popping out.

Albert, just a minute. While
you're up there, put another score in the whip.

Oh look, there he goes, hi-hoe.
Alright mate?

Fancy putting your head on
upside down!

- I fought in the war.
- What? The Boer War?

Go on, get out of here, you
miserable old so-and-so.

Here listen lads. There was
this fellow, he was really short.

I tell you how short he was. He got a job at
mothercare as a bouncer, that's how short he was.

He was so short, well, he...

Well, he wasn't that short...
A tall feller, he was very tall...

There was this woman...

Del, I don't wish to spoil the surprise, but the
Driscol brothers have just arrived.

Oh have they? Well, let them
wait a while, can't they?

Do you need any backup?

No, it's alright, Denzil,
thanks. Thanks a lot.

No, don't worry. I've got
their money.

Are you having
a good time, Del?

Yes, yes, I'm having a
blinding time, Rodders, yeah, yeah.

I get married in two days' time.

Yeah, I know.
You wanna keep off the sherbet,

otherwise you're gonna
have a hangover on your honeymoon.

- Oi, Del at the cerem...
- Ceremony yeah, right...

they won't say my middle name will they?

No, no. He'll just call
you, you know, like Rodney Trotter...

I wanna thank you, Del.
You've done everything for me in my life.

Yes, alright. Shut up,
Rodney.

He looked after me when I was a kid,
when I was a nipper.

Yeah, I know, Rodney. I remember.

He did everything for me.

I mean, if it wasn't for him, right,
I could have been a drunk...

or I could have been a
snu-gliffer or anything.

And I tell you something
else about this man:

he's giving me 2,000 pounds
as a deposit on my flat.

- I forgot that.
- Oh hell.

Rodney, alright, you stay here, right?
You just listen to the funny man, alright?

Back in a minute.

Course, my wife, she used to
sell ice creams in the cinema.

When we got married
she went up the aisle backwards.

She was lovely.
We were driving home one night and she said,

'Would you like to see where I had the
operation?' I said, 'Yeah'.

She said, 'See the hospital
up there on the hill...'

I'll tell you. Del, right,
he's the bestest bloke in the world.

Yeah, I know. Listen, Rodney, sometimes people
say things that they mean,

- what they really mean is...
- What you mean?

Well, sometimes they promise
things and they really mean to keep that promise,

but other things stop them from
doing it.

Are you in the
bathroom?

Thanks for walking out and
leaving me like that.

Sorry! I had too much to drink.
I felt bad. I'm still feeling a bit rough Rodney.

Oh and thanks for not
giving me that money.

Denzil explained that you
had something more important to spend it on!

You promised me. I've told Cassandra
and her mum and dad and everything.

I said I've got the money.
What am I gonna look like now, eh?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna look like now.

I'm gonna look like a right
tit-head, that's what I'll look like.

Your money's on the table.

- Del? Thanks.
- It's alright, bruv. It was a pleasure.

- Del... I'm sorry, right?
- Shut up, you tart.

You're still gonna be my
best man, aren't you?

- Yeah, 'course I am.
- We'll have a good old knees-up eh?

I think I've had enough of
that for one night, Rodney.

And I tell you what - we'll
have a good old sing-song.

Yeah, as long as you don't
mind me sounding like the Bee Gees.

- I do solemnly declare.
- I do solemnly declare.

- That I know of no lawful impediment.
- That I know of no lawful impediment.

That I may not be joined in
matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry.

That I may not be joined in
matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry.

Do you have the ring?

Half past eleven.

Now repeat after me: I call
upon these persons here present.

I call upon these persons
here present.

To witness that I, Rodney
Charlton Trotter...

That I, Rodney Charlton
Trotter...

I would appreciate it if the guests
would conduct themselves

in a manner more becoming to this occasion,
thank you.

That I, Rodney Charlton
Trotter.

Take this woman, Cassandra
Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.

Take this woman, Cassandra
Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.

Now repeat after me: I call
upon these persons here present.

I call upon these persons
here present

To witness that I, Cassandra
Louise Parry.

To witness that I, Cassandra
Louise Parry.

Take this man, Rodney Charl
... Rodney Trotter.

Take this man, Rodney
Trotter.

To be my lawful wedded
husband.

To be my lawful wedded
husband.

Now you have both made the
declarations required by law

and you have made a solemn and binding contract
with each other in the presence of your witnesses,

you are now husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

Thank you.

You must call us as soon you get
back from your honeymoon.

Mum, we haven't even gone.

Don't you be late for your
first day at work, Rodney.

No, I'll be there, Alan.

- You'll have to come round for dinner.
- Oh thank you, Pamela.

We could invite Del.

He'll most probably be busy.

Well, I'm seeing him on
Wednesday. I'll ask him.

You're not going to get drunk
again?

No. He's taking me to a pie
and mash shop.

- What for?
- For pie and mash.

I think I'll just go and say
goodbye to a few more people.

What's happened to you?

Ever since you've met Rodney's brother
you've become like a born-again hooligan.

It's thanks to you that my daughter's wedding reception
is being held at this ghastly pub,

all champagne and welks...
there's spoons of jellied eels everywhere.

That's because I like jellied eels.

- Hey Alan! If you want some more of these jellied eels,
you better get stuck in, mate!

See you in a minute.

- Are you off then, bruv?
- Yeah, off in a minute.

Just wanted to, just wanted to say,
Rodney, that I'm really very proud of you.

You've got it all now, ain't you?
New job, new flat, new wife, new life.

- We had a few good years, eh?
- We had some good times.

Right laughs!

And a couple of tears.
But still that's what's all about.

- I just wish that Grandad and Mum...
- Oh no, shut up! You'll have me going.

I got some bruises.
I don't where I got them from.

Goodbye, Del, and thanks for
everything.

That's alright.
I just got some bruises.

You promise you do me a favour?

- Of course!
- Be gentle with him.

Oh shut up!

Rodney's middle name is Charlton.

Oh yeah, it was me mum.
She was a fan.

- Oh what? Charlton Heston?
- No. Charlton Athletic.

Duke, get off that table.

How come you never got
married, Del?

Me? No, I'm too shrewd for
that game.

You got engaged, though,
didn't you? Lots of times.

So why didn't you marry any
of them?

It was Rodney, I suppose.

Rodney stopped you getting
married?

Well, back in them days Rodney was just a kid,
you know, and I had to bring him up.

You were like a mother and
father to him.

Yeah, I breast fed him for
the first six months.

No, it's just that all the birds
that I went out with they wanted to get married

but they didn't want to bring Rodney up,
especially the way he went through shoes.

What was I supposed to do?
Get married and put Rodney into care?

I elbowed them. It's family, innit?

You should be proud of yourself.
He's turned out a real good 'un.

He's a diamond.
A forty-two-carat, diamond.

Come along, Marlene.

I wanna have a word with you
during the week.

You should see what that Chinese kid
has done to my video recorders.

- Bye, Del.
- Bye-bye sweetheart.

- Bye.
- Bye, sweetheart.

- Come on, Duke.
- Cheerio, Boycie.

Cassandra's dad's
feeling a bit unwell.

I told him not to eat all
them jellied eels.

I've got to lock up, Del.

Yeah, alright, Mike. Thanks
very much for a very nice do.

Cheers, mate.

Hello, Trotter Independent Traders...
Oh it's you, Albert...

No, it's alright, I've only this minute got in.
Where are you...

oh you're round at Elsie
Partridge's are you?

Oh yeah, got your plates of meat under the table there,
ain't you, eh? You dirty old goat!

What? No, no, they're back from their
honeymoon.

Yeah, I saw Rodney this morning racing
off to work.

Yeah, he looked great, he did,
nice three-piece suit, smart tie,

and his executive briefcase,
the lot... You what?

No, no, I didn't have chance
to speak to him.

I was in the van and he came racing
past on his bicycle...

The honeymoon? Yeah, I think
that went alright, yeah.

He was as white as a
sheet...

You what? Oh yeah, you off down the
Legion tonight, are you...

Me? No. Well, I'm alone. Well, no, no.

I'm not alone, really;
it's just the way I'd like it to be...

No, no thanks very much, Albert.

I appreciate the offer but I'm not in the mood
for dominoes tonight...

Yeah, I'll see
you when I see you.

Alright?

Yeah, triffic, Rodders.

I am exhausted.

Yeah you look a bit cream crackered.
What is it? Executive stress, is it?

No, it's that bike.

The wheels hardly go round, the chain's come off twice
and the front light don't work.

Where d'you get it from?

I dunno. It's been in the
garage for years.

What's for tea?

I dunno. I got no idea.

Can I say something to you
Rodney?

Something that may hold you
in good stead in the, you know, future?

Yeah, go on, then.

It's just that, well,
how can I put it?

You don't live here no more.

Oh, bloody 'ell! She'll go loopy.

- I'll see you, right?
- Yeah, right, bruv.

What a plonker!

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