Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 6, Episode 5 - Sickness & Wealth - full transcript

Oh come on, Cassandra...Yeah,
I know you've got your studying to do.

Can't we just go out for a quick drink or a
pizza or something,

then you can do your studying when you
get home.

Well, you know it's
'cos I like being with you.

I sort of miss you when we're
not together.

Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm bored
stiff in this flat... What?

No, that's Albert, he's got
himself a new spin dryer, well it was new once!

He bought it cheap 'cos of the
bomb damage.

Yes, at the moment it's jumping around
the kitchen like a Dalek with St Vitus's dance.

Del? He's asleep in the chair
with his dodgy stomach...

Yeah, he's still getting
them pains. Well, he's going out later for a vindaloo...



No, to him, he says
it's a sort of alternative medicine...

Cause I don't want to go out with him for a
curry...

That's alright, I'll just stay in here.

Albert's got that old bird of his
coming round

...you know Elsie Partridge,
remember I told you about her.

We'll most probably put on some Max Bygraves platters
and sit here talkig about our ailments.

It's a pity Del's going out really,
he'd have enjoyed that.

Oh, that's very nice of them.

Well, tell your parents thank you very much, I'd love
to come to tea tomorrow.

Seven o'clock, alright.

I can't.

Because Del's in the room.

You know I love you. Don't I
tell you often enough? Do you love me?

Oh very funny, Cassandra, I'm laughing this
end as well...



Alright,
alright, I'll see you tomorrow.

Here y'are son.
I got us Chinese take-away earlier.

I've got fried pork, fried
rice and... fried something.

How can you stay out in the
kitchen with all that heat and steam?

I'm an old naval stoker,
ain't I? That's nothing to me.

I remember coming round
Cape Horn once, I was on this merchantman.

The things you and your
mates used to get up to, eh?

A merchantman's a ship.

It was so hot and steamy in our boiler room
that when I come out I was shrivelled like a prune.

So, that's what caused it.

I hate it when you're in a
sarky mood.

D'you reckon Del Boy will like
all this fried food?

He's been getting a bit of jip
in his tommy lately.

- Yeah, it will be alright.
- Maybe you're right. I'll get the knives and forks.

Sorry, excuse me.

- You alright, bruv?
- Yeah, how you feeling?

Triffic, Rodders, brill.
What's all that funny whirring sound?

- That's Albert's spin dryer.
- His what?

Stone me! What is your game? What
are you doing buying this old junk?

Here, look at that,
it's knocking all the paint off the units.

I got it as an investment, Del.

It cost us 50 pence to get our clothes dry at the
laundromat.

I bought that off
the bloke upstairs for a score.

You dozy old twonk! That's
the one I sold him last week for a tenner.

Why didn't you
come and ask me about these things first?

I didn't like to bother you,
with you being ill.

Ill? I'm not ill. There's
nothing wrong with me.

But you got that tommy
trouble again.

I ain't got any tommy trouble. There's nothing wrong
with me. They're just normal pains.

Well, you came in tonight and
flopped straight down that chair in agony.

You don't understand Unc,
that is PMA.

I thought only women got that.

No no Rodney, that's PMP. PMA
is positive mental attitude.

It's the new buzzword.
It's what all us yuppies get.

See, when I came in, I lay down on this chair...

...and what I was doing, I was psyching
myself up for the challenge of tomorrow.

So what was all the sweating
and holding your belly about?

Oh that was nothing. There's
nothing wro...

Rodney, go to the bathroom
get me some Andrews Liver Salts, will you?

I'll get you a plate of
Chinese, Del.

Gawd knows what those local takeaways are
gonna do when they know we're gonna move.

Move?

Didn't you see that letter?
It arrived this morning.

It says on the envelope it's
from the council housing department.

I know, I've seen it,
I've read it, thank you.

Is it about them letting us
buy this flat?

No, it's not about them letting us buy this flat.
It's about them evicting us from this flat.

- Evicting us?
- Keep your voice down, will ya?

I don't want Rodney
to hear any of this.

I haven't paid the rent on this flat here
for the last three months.

Cor blimey! I knew things
were a bit tight but I didn't know they were that bad.

Things haven't been going very well for me,
All me investments have gone sideways.

Rodney's been down the market all this week
trying to flog these exclusive women's fashions.

But all the frost and sleet
nobody seems interested for these summer dresses.

I've been tucked up by some of my
other investments

and at the end I just couldn't afford
to pay the rent.

No, but you're still drinking
those pina coladas down the wine bars.

You're still eating in the curry houses
and the bistros.

That is all on slate.
I've gotta keep me image, haven't I?

Once your competitors find out that you get an
inkling that you're going down the pan,

they can't wait to pull the chain on you.
And that little plonker Rodney hasn't been any help, either!

Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Don't worry about it, Del.

Don't worry about it!

I haven't had a decent night's
kip for the last two weeks worrying about it.

It's with me everywhere, all the time.

Something'll turn up right
out of the blue, you'll see. He who dares wins, eh?

Yeah, he who dares wins.
Oh you cowson.

You've gotta see a quack
with that belly of yours.

I don't wanna see no doctor,
cause there's nothing wrong with me.

Don't you go and get no doctor, Albert.
I don't like doctors.

You gotta go and see that Scottish quack,
what's his name, Doctor Meadows.

He's not like the normal doctors
he's sort of... human.

- You know, you can talk to him, he's like a mate.
- I don't want to go to speak to no Doctor Meadows...

...cause there's nothing wrong with me, alright?

It's your life son.

Yes, it is my life and I
don't wanna hear no more about it.

Don't you think Del Boy ought
to go to the docor's with his belly?

He won't go to the doctor's,
though, will he? 'Cos he's terrified of doctors.

I am not terrified of
doctors.

The reason I am not going to see Dr Meadows is
'cos there's nothing wrong with me.

You're winding me up, Rodney.

- You seeing Cassandra tonight?
- No, not tonight, Unc.

No, he's seeing her tomorrow
night for tea.

That's right. Her mum and dad
said I could...

You cunning git, you was ear wigging my
conversation.

'Of course I love you, Cassandra.
I tell you often enough, don't I?'

That is out of order, Derek.

You could call this phone, Rodney! You
could have talked in one of the other rooms.

Like where? I couldn't use
my bedroom 'cos the walls are so thin

the people next door can hear, and I can't
use the kitchen

'cos you've
got R2D2 break-dancing in there.

You could use the bathroom.

The bathr... Albert, I cannot hold a romantic conversation
surrounded by damp towels, Del's soggy espadrilles

and a bog with no lid. Anyway,
it's freezing in that bathroom.

You've noticed that as well,
have you?

Well, you can hardly fail to
notice it, can you?

Our bathroom window gets
condensation on the outside.

Why d'you think that room is
so cold?

Well, I don't know, do I?

Now listen, son, listen. You
may call me a soppy old sod...

You're a soppy old sod.

Look, be serious, Rodney.
Us sailors are superstitious,

It's sort of an affinity with the supernatural, and I
think there's a presence in that room.

A presence?

When you're in the shower,
don't you feel there's someone else there with you?

Yeah but there usually is.
It's either Del having a shave or you doing your toenails.

The reason that room is so
cold is it's possessed.

Oh leave off, Unc.

Elsie Partridge is a medium.

She knows all there is to
know about the supernatural,

and she said she can sense
a presence in that bathroom.

Blimey!

It's like a sauna out here.
Will you come and switch this thing off.

It's nearly finished, Del.
D'you want to put anything else in it?

Yes, your head.

Have you ever noticed how
cold our bathroom is?

Yeah, yeah I have. It does
get a bit tatas out there, after a while, don't it?

When you're in there, right,
do you ever get the feeling that you're not alone?

You mean as if there's
somebody in there with you?

What, sort of a strange
feeling?

Like as if you're being
watched?

No! Why? Do you?

No, no. It's Albert reckons
it's possessed.

Possessed? Do me a favour. Give us a couple of months
and it might be repossessed if you like.

Elsie Partridge thinks
our bathroom is haunted.

Oh stop it, will you?
You hurt me!

Elsie Partridge is a medium.

Is she? Well, you better whip that round to her, then.
That will fit her a treat, I tell ya!

I'm not talking about her dress size.
She's a spiritualist. She can contact the departed.

That's most probably where she
pulled you.

She has powers, Del. She in
one of the true communicators.

Back in the early Sixties she used to hold
regular meetings in that hall above John Colliers.

People come from miles around to
listen to Elsie.

They paid thousands of pounds to use
her powers of communication.

I think there is more to this
occult lark than meets the eye, Del.

Do me a favour, Rodders. No self-respecting ghost
is gonna haunt our bathroom, is it?

Specially after he's
been in there.

Then why is it always so
cold?

Well, it could be one of two
reasons.

One, it could be as you two say that
the phantom of the karzy has struck again.

Or, two, it could be something to do
with the fact that the council

has put our
extractor fan in the wrong way round.

Oh yeah. They were supposed
to come back and mend it, weren't they?

Ghosts and ghouls! You two
slaughter me.

I suppose that extractor fan
could have something to do with it.

Thousands of pounds?

You said they paid that Elsie
Partridge thousands of pounds?

Yeah. But she never took a
penny of it, Del.

She used to send it all to Battersea
Dog's Home.

I bet she wished she'd have kept some of it
now she's only got her pension to live on.

But they still paid her all
that lovely money, though?

Yeah, they'd pay a fortune to talk to their...
No, no, Del. She's retired.

- Maybe she'd like a little part-time job.
- No, just drop it, Del?

Don't you see what this means?
This means that you were right.

You said 'Don't worry, something will
come out the blue to save our bacon. And this is it.

Me and Elsie Partridge, what a
combination.

The old-age pensioner with a priceless
gift and a successful yuppy who's brassic flint.

We could make a fortune for each other.
I do believe that this is God sending me a sign.

- Come and sit down, Del.
- What can I get you?

Pina Colada with lots of ice.

- Here Boycie, can we have a word?
- What is it?

Do you remember that old Cortina
you said me and Jevon would never sell?

What Cortina's that then?

That two-tone one - blue and rust.
Well me and Mickey sold it the other day.

But that Cortina was a death trap.
You should be ashamed of yourselves!

But you sold it to us!

Did I? So I did, that's right.
It wasn't a bad little run around, was it?

Are you and Jevon partners now
or something, are you?

- Yeah, we're doing a bit of trading.
- We specialise in anything.

Why don't you pop down my
showrooms during the week?

I've got a few old bangers out
the back you might have a go at.

Yeah, thanks Boyce.

Here, would your Marlene be interested in
a Crimplene dress with great big flowers all over it?

Well of course she wouldn't.

Oh that's a shame, 'cos
Rodney Trotter's got loads of 'em.

If there's anything else you want, Mrs Partridge,
just give us a shout.

- She's here.
- Who's here?

That spiritualist woman.
Here, to tell you the truth, Trigg,

I'm having second thoughts about letting Del
use that room upstairs for this seance.

You don't honestly believe
in all that mumbo jumbo, do you Michael?

I don't actually believe it.
I just don't like taking the chance.

Michael, if Elsie Partridge
really could raise the dead,

half the money lenders in
Peckham would be employing her.

No, no, it's all a load of old tosh. Only a
simpleton would believe in it.

- I believe in it.
- Say no more.

He still leaves a glass of
milk and biscuits out on Christmas Eve.

My mum went to a seance once.
She got a message from the other side.

It said she would meet a tall, bald, strange
man who would alter her fortune.

A week later she got mugged by a
skinhead.

There you go Boycie, you
can't argue with that can you?

There's got to be
something in all this supernatural stuff.

My old gran was a bit of a
medium.

A few years after my grandfather died she
made contact with him.

Oh yeah? What did he say?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

Well he was dead weren't he?

Yes, but she'd just made
contact across the veil.

For the last 15 years of his
life they didn't talk to each other.

- And he kept the row going?
- Yeah. Well, he was a stubborn man.

Well, they must have been
interesting seances.

A mad medium and a spook with the hump.
Hold up, here come the Ghostbusters.

A pina colada for me,
the usual for everyone else.

Del, a word.

Alright, Michael. Yes, coming,
coming.

Are you paying for these
drinks or what?

Don't worry about it Michael
it'll be alright.

This slate of yours, Del, is
getting out of hand.

That Mrs Partridge has just arrived, right,
and she's had food and drink all on your slate.

Don't go on about it, Mike.

Over the last few months
you've had more cocktails than James Bond

and a fried
lunch every day and all on the slate.

Gimme a couple of weeks and
I'll sort it out with you.

You've had about 10 packs of
cigars all on the slate

and even the rent for the room
upstairs in on the slate.

Unless your attitude changes,
I should be forced to take my business elsewhere.

- Good.
- No wait a minute Michael, sit down.

I've been sailing the good ship Trotter
through a little patch of fiscal turbulence, right?

But as soon as I get old Elsie Partridge
firing on all four cylinders I'll be laughing.

I mean, within a month
she'll be bringing 'em back to order.

I've worked out a little price list.
Neighbours and family friends, three quid.

Relatives a fiver, spouses and pets a tenner each,
and a score for Elvis Presley.

This time next year I'll be a millionaire. Just think
what this is going to do to you, Michael.

She'll be drawing them in from the
four corners of the kingdom, right?

So not only will you be getting the rent for the
room upstairs but once the show is finished

all the pilgrim'll be pouring down here
having a jolly-up won't they?

Your takings will treble overnight Michael.
You know it makes sense, don't ya?

- Yeah, I suppose so.
- Sit down, Boyce.

- I'm still a bit worried, though.
- Oh leave it out, Michael.

We're dealing with the powers
of darkness here.

I mean, are we gonna end up with the
table and chairs flying all around the bar?

No more than a normal Friday night.

I agree with Mike. We're
messing around with the supernatural.

It's no telling what evil forces we
might evoke.

Yeah, you could have Satan
himself come crashing through the wall.

Well, it's a pity Rodney put on
his best suit then, innit?

This pub was built on the site of a public grave,
where the victims of the great plague were buried.

That's all we need innit?
Them popping up to celebrate Agincourt.

They'd all be covered in
boils and scabs and things.

Like a Singing Detective
look-alike contest, won't it?

Sounds like her sign to
get started.

Well, it might not mean that.

Either that or she's got cramp in her wooden leg.
Come on, Rodders, come on lads, let's get up there.

Elsie, don't forget this is only a dummy run.
So don't go knocking your pipe out.

The real seance, when the panthers come in with
the seriour doh-rey-me is not till next Tuesday night.

Derek, God gave me the gift to communicate
with the next world.

I've never profitted by it,
I only want to share it with people.

And God gave me the gift to make bunds,
and I only want to share it with you.

So you're not going to say no to a bit of cash
in the pinney, are ya?

- I suppose not...
- Of course you're not.

Lovely Jubbly,
so everyone's a winner, right.

Ready when you are, Elsie.
Eyes down for a full house and we're off and running.

Now, before we start I would like to know,
have any of you been in a seance before?

- I've been in quite a few.
- I think he started most of them...

- Will you show some respect.
- Alright Rodney, it's only a bit of a laugh, innit?

No Derek, it is not a bit of a laugh.
It's a very serious matter.

Alright. Anything you say sweetheart.

Now, before we start, have any of you
any questions?

They don't actually appear in the room,
do they - you know, the spirits?

Oh, don't worry Mike, just do what you normally do.
Water 'em down.

There's no materialization. They appear to me,
only because of my gift of paranormal perception.

She's all the patter, ain't she Rodney?
I can feel a whip-round coming on.

- Will you shut up for five minutes.
- So we don't actually hear them chatting, or what have yer?

No, they speak through me. I am the receiver,
the antenna, the aerial.

Now, those spirits who wish to communicate
will congregate behind you.

- So, can I actually foresee the future?
- No. This is not astrology or fortune telling.

Though, the spirits may give advice or warning,
which if acted upon could alter your future lives.

Cause he'll might get a tip for the Derby.

Come along, cut it out Del Boy,
let's show a bit of respect.

Now, I think it's time we began.

May I ask you once contact
has been made, refrain from interrupting.

Now, hands on the table.
Fingers touching.

Concentrate.

- What's she doing?
- She's going...

- I can see that, why is she doing it?
- She's gone into a trance.

Thank Gawd for that. She had
one of my pies earlier.

The spirits are with us.

A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man
wearing a black coat and a black hat.

He wishes to speak to
someone called Audrey... No, no, Aubrey.

Aubrey?

- I am here.
- Aubrey?

It's my middle name.

You never said your name was
Aubrey.

Nor would you if your name
was Aubrey.

This man seems agitated. He's
brandishing a piece of paper.

Have you any idea who it
could be?

No. This piece of paper, it's
not a logbook for a Cortina, is it?

No, it's a photograph. A
black and white photograph.

It shows this man, but years
younger.

There's an odd-looking boy standing beside
him, five or six years old, evil face.

Boycie, it's you and your dad.

Yeah, that's right. He's the
only one who ever called me Aubrey.

There is a sadness about the
photograph, as though something is missing.

Of course,
your mother, she isn't with you.

No.

Had she passed over to the
other side?

No. She was taking the photo.

I see. This man
is worried.

He says you must be a good father,
you must look after your child.

Is he having a pop at me or
something?

Elsie. Boycie and his wife
Marlene can't have kids.

They've been trying for
years, you know, but nitto.

Yeah, they've had tests,
things frozen, everything.

The hospital's just about
given up with him.

He's low on something.

Do you mind not discussing my
personal life in front of strangers?

You could tell my old man to keep
his nose out of my business.

He was always having a go at
me for not giving him a grandchild.

Calm down,
Aubrey.

And you can wrap up for a
start. I'm gonna get a drink.

It's a load of old rubbish anyway.
I never believed a word of it.

Excuse me.

Are the spirits still with
us, Elsie?

Yes, yes, yes. They're still
here. Close the circle.

Someone else has stepped out.
It's a woman.

Tall and
slender, long golden-brown hair.

Fingers covered in rings of ruby
and gold. Bracelets adorn the wrists.

You know who that is, don't
you?

Sounds like Jimmy Saville.

Jimmy Saville! That is our mother.

Sorry, Del Boy, Dave.

Jimmy Saville!

Yeah, that's right, bruv.
Bloody cheek.

She says she is proud of her
children.

She says you have both worked hard
to succeed. But never mind.

She wants you to know that she is
with you always.

Wherever you are, whatever
you are doing she is looking over you.

She says you mustn't mourn her any
longer. She is happy.

She says she is at peace and...

- Mrs Partridge.
- Don't interrupt, Rodney.

I just wanted to clear something up.

When she says she's looking over us
all the time, right,

well, she don't mean all the time does she?

I'd think the spirit world
would have its own ideas of discretion.

I was just wondering.

She is concerned for you,
Derek.

- Me? What about me?
- She is concerned for your health.

I'm alright, Mum, nothing wrong,
never felt better.

She says you are not well.
She feels your pain.

Ah no, that's just a bit of
jip, that's all.

Most probably an onion bhaji
lodged somewhere.

She wants you to go and see
a doctor.

- There's nothing the matter with me.
- She insists.

No, I don't want to go and
see a doctor. You know I don't like doctors.

Oh they're becoming distant.
They're drifting away.

Can't you get 'em back, Elsie?

Is there anybody there? If there's
anybody there, talk to us.

Say something.

Lager's off.

You made me jump.

What d'you think you made us do?

Well, I had to tell you I've
got customers waiting down there.

- Alright, alright, I'm coming.
- I'll get your coat, Elsie.

- So what you gonna do, Del?
- What about?

About the message from Mum.

Oh do me a favour, Rodney. You
didn't believe all that, did you?

Well, you seemed pretty
convinced.

At one point I thought you were gonna suck
your thumb and throw a paddy.

I was only doing that for
Elsie's, weren't I?

I mean, she's a genuine old lady who most
probably believes she is getting these messages.

But at the end of the day it's a
load of old rubbish.

Yeah, I think Del Boy's
right, Dave.

I mean, she got a message saying that
Boycie's gotta look after his kid.

Yeah, that's right, and everyone knows

that Nelson's Column's got more chance
of knocking out a nipper than Boycie.

So you're not going to the
doctor's?

No, I am not going to the
doctor's 'cos there is nothing wrong with me.

See you in the bar, Albert.

- Come on down, Rodney.
- It wll only take you 10 minutes.

Thanks for doing that, Elsie.

That was the first time I've
ever lied to anyone at a sitting.

I only gave Derek that message
because you asked me to.

I'm grateful. He wouldn't take
any notice of me and Rodney.

The only one he'd
ever listen to was his mum.

Right then, come on, Rodney,
here, Nerys. Where are them posters?

Rodney stick these up in the window. The sooner
the devotees know about them the better.

Marlene, hello darling.
What are you doing here?

Boycie's just told me what
that Elsie Partridge said.

Now don't you start. I've
been having enough trouble with Rodney and Albert.

There is nothing the matter
with me.

I'm not talking about your
illness. I mean what she said to Boycie.

Listen, darling, you don't wanna
take any notice of what Elsie Partridge says

because it's all a con, you see.

No, you don't understand.
I'm having a baby.

You're what?

I've just had it confirmed at
the hospital.

So what do you think about that then?

What's up with him then?

Sympathy pains. A lot of men
go through phantom pregnancies.

I thought that only happened
to the father.

Come in.

Sorry, is Dr Meadows
about, a Scottish doctor?

No, Dr Meadows left general
practice two years ago.

He's working at the local hospital.
I've taken over from him. I'm Dr Shaheed.

You're a woman.

Well, well, so I am. Nobody ever tells me anything
these days. You're Mr Trotter.

- I know.
- Well, come in, take a seat.

- What's the problem?
- Me? No, nothing at all.

- You're not ill?
- Never felt better in me life.

Mr Trotter, I have a waiting-room
full of sick people.

Now, what is it you want?
A certificate?

No, no, I don't want a certificate.
I mean, I'm self-unemployed. No, it's just...

it's hardly worth bothering
you about, really.

Why don't you let me be the
judge of that? What's the problem?

Alright, I've been getting a
bit of a Cynthia.

- Cynthia?
- Pain

Where do you get this pain?

Well, all over, really. I mean,
this morning I got in the lift going down to the...

No, no. Where on your body?

- Oh right. I get in the old New Delhi.
- New Delhi?

Yeah, the belly.
You're not from round these parts, are you?

No, I'm from New Delhi.

Really? Not much point
calling you in an emergency then, is it?

I mean I was born in New
Delhi and I now live in Peckham.

Yeah, I know. It was just a
joke, you see.

Oh yes, very good.
What sort of pain is it?

Well... it hurts.

- Yes, but is it a sharp pan or a dull pain?
- Well, it's a bit of both really.

Would you strip to the waist,
please, Mr Trotter.

No, no, it's alright, doc, there's no need for that.
Just give me a couple of pills, that's all.

I'd like to examine you.
Please strip to the waist and lie on the couch.

- Do you smoke, Mr Trotter?
- Not just now, thank you, doctor.

I wasn't offering, I was enquiring.

Oh, I see. No, I don't smoke.

Well, I ave one cigar a year
on Christmas night, but I'm trying to cut down.

One cigar a year
wouldn't do you much harm.

Do you have any trouble
passing water?

I had a dizzy spell going
over Tower Bridge once.

You have bouts of dizziness?

No, no. It was a joke, doctor.

I think it would be best if we stopped all the joking,
I'm finding it rather confusing.

Do you ever
suffer with constipation?

No, regular as clockwork.

You have plenty of roughage
in your diet?

Nothing but roughage. Muesli,
brown bread, all that. I'm a very organic person.

That's very good. Even in this day and age
you'd be surprised the number of people

still exist on fried
foods and takeaways.

Eurgh! Not me, doc. I'm like
a walking Grobag.

When they bury me there'll be rhubarb
everywhere within six months.

Mr Trotter. When I said strip
to the waist, I meant the top half.

You can put your shirt back
on now, Mr Trotter.

- I hope my stephoscope wasn't too cold for you?
- No, not at all.

- Round here, we call 'em deafascopes.
- Really? Why?

Couse, if you can't hear anything,
either we're dead or you're deaf.

Are you a heavy drinker, Mr Trotter?

Me? No I'm teetotal. Well, I have the old mineral water,
goat skimmed milk and all that.

- You have a very high pulse rate.
- Oh thank you, doctor.

No, I'm concerned about it.

I mean, it's almost as if
you're frightened of something.

Frightened, me? No, I don't
know the meaning of the word.

No, I know what it was. I jogged down here to
the surgery from the gym this evening.

Ah, that would explain it. I wish all my patients were
as health-conscious as you, Mr Trotter.

Oh mais oui, mais oui. What
d'you reckon the pains are then, doc?

To tell you the truth I'm
not sure.

I'd like you to go down to the local hospital
and have a few tests done.

OK. I'll make an appointment
tomorrow morning then, shall I?

No, I'd like you to go now.

Now? What? You mean this minute?

Yes. You may have a grumbling
appendix. Now I emphasize the word 'may'.

If that should prove to be the case we have
to remove it as quickly as possible.

- You mean cut it out?
- Yes, I mean cut it out.

- But it might not be me appendix?
- Maybe.

So if it's not me appendix,
what could it be?

Well, let's not speculate.

Let's hope it's an
appendix then, shall we?

I don't have to go by
ambulance, do I?

No, but I don't want you
jogging there. You can call a minicab.

No, that's alright. I'll give my brother a bell.
He can come down and take me down there.

I'll call the hospital and
tell them you're on your way.

- I'll use the phone in reception.
- Yeah, alright then, doc.

Rodney? Hello Rodders, it's me, Del Boy.
Yes, I'm here at the doctor's.

Yes, listen. There's nothing to
worry about,

but I want you to come down here and give
me a lift down to the hospital...

Yeah, I've got to go there right away.

Listen, listen. I said there's nothing to worry
about.

I don't want you driving down here at a
hundred miles an hour

and having an accident, nothing like that...
Of course I can't get a cab!

I don't care if Neighbours
has just started.

Look, I am at the quack's and I
want you to take me to the hospital.

I need you here Rodney.

I don't wanna go on my own... Yeah, alright,
I'll see you in a minute.

What can I get you, Rodney?

A lemonade with ice, non-alcoholic
lager top and a small rum, please.

Any news from the hospital?

No, not really. He ain't got
a grumbling appendix.

They don't seem to know what it is.
Still, they're keeping him in,

they're running tests,
keeping him under observation.

- Must be horrible that.
- What?

Well, lying in bed all day
with someone standing there looking at you.

No, Trigg, they don't just
keep... Yeah, must be horrible.

Years ago I had a mate like that. Doctor's couldn't
find out what was wrong with him.

- And he died, did he?
- Yeah...

Oh no, I'm not saying that
Del's got that.

Well let's hope not, eh?
Listen, Mike.

We're going to visit him this evening and he
asked if you'd do him a bacon sandwich

and lots of brown sauce 'cos he can't stand
that hospital food.

But it'll be cold and greasy
by this evening.

Yeah, that's how he likes it,

He also said would you send up a bottle of coke and
put some Bacardi in it, so as the old matron won't suss it?

Leave it to me, Rodney.

Cheer up a little bit, Rodney.
I mean, Del's in the best place, isn't he?

Oh yeah, he's in the best place.
I just wish they knew what was wrong with him.

Maybe on second thoughts I
don't wanna know.

When I was stationed out in
New Guinea...

Oh God.

A crew-mate of mine went
down with a mysterious tummy bug just like Del's.

The finest medical brains in
Jayapura couldn't make out what it was.

No?

Your dad still thinking about
buying that new jag?

He's looking at one tomorrow.

Until this American surgeon
arrived on the scene. He twigged it straight away.

- And what was it?
- Green parrot's disease.

Well, that's certainly worth
knowing, Albert. Thank you very much.

Are you going to tell the
doctor in charge of Del's case?

You know, he might not
have thought of it.

No, that would have been one
of the first things he would have thought...

How the hell's Del gonna get green
parrot's disease in Peckham?

Well, I admit it's a long shot.
I'm just grabbing at straws, I s'pose.

Yeah, yeah, we all doing that Albert.
I'm sorry.

I'm gonna put a drop of
blackcurrant in this.

Can I visit Del with you
this evening?

Yeah. It's worth the
journey just to see his pyjamas.

He's never been ill before. Well you know, he's
been ill but he's never been in hospital.

He's terrified of 'em. He got stabbed once
outside a dance hall.

There was blood all over his shirt,
a four-inch gash in his shoulder.

But he never went to hospital.

- He didn't have it treated?
- No he did it himself. TCP and a flannel.

- Did he know the person who did it?
- Yeah.

And I bet he didn't report
it to the police?

No. Well, he couldn't really.
He was engaged to her at the time.

I prayed last night,
prayed Del wouldn't die.

Rodney, that's not going to happen.

Soon as I done it I thought,
'That's stupid, Del ain't gonna die...

He's not the type.'

So anyway, they took some
more samples this afternoon.

Samples of me blood, sample
of me... samples of everything.

Now they want me to
fast for 24 hours.

Well, why's that? Are they
running more tests tomorrow?

Yeah, I tell you what, I'll be 12 pound, three gallons
lighter then when I come in, I know that.

What you doing? You're not
supposed to be eating that.

I know, Rodney, but this
fasting makes you hungry.

But it could affect the
results of the tests.

Give over girl. It's only a
bacon sandwich and a bit of brown sauce.

Exactly. I read it in one of the local papers somewhere,
this is one of the few hospitals in the country

that doesn't have
a bacon sandwich detector!

I don't believe you, Derek!

When a doctor says you're supposed to fast for 24
hours then you should fast for 24 hours.

Well, what you bring this
sandwich in for then?

Because I didn't know you were
supposed to be fasting.

And you're not supposed to be
drinking that either. That's got Bacardi in it.

Keep your noise down, will yer?

Listen, with the sort of measures
Mike gives,

there's less spirits in that than
there was at our seance.

Oh that reminds me. Wasn't
last night the pukka seance night?

Did it go well?

Not quite as well as
we'd expected.

It was a total cock-up from
where I was standing.

Come on, tell me.

Well, you now those posters you put up the
pub windows with The Seance and the ghostly face?

Well a lot of people got the wrong impression.
They thought The Seance was a group.

The place was packed with
punk rockers.

There was Special Brew everywhere,
people shouting 'Aceed', all that.

They were expecting to see
an 'Iron Maiden'-type band.

Then Elsie Partridge walked
out in her hat. They weren't best pleased, Del.

Fortunately she remained in a
trance throughout the riot.

She was still in it this
morning when I went round to her flat.

It's amazing, innit? I only organised that seance
out of the goodness of my heart.

to help people to get over their loss,
and how do they thank me?

- They chuck it in my face!
- Still, you tried.

Visiting time's over.

Can't say I'm disappointed, I hate
these places, death and sickness everywhere.

Yeah, they ain't all they're
cracked up to be, Unc. Take care.

Bye, sweetheart.

Thanks for coming. Look after
him now, will you?

Yeah, I'll see he's alright.
I hope you feel better soon, Del.

There's nothing wrong with me.
I don't know what I'm doing in here.

- I'll see you tomorrow, mate.
- Hang around a minute, will you?

I'll see you outside.

What's up?

- I'm scared, Rodney!
- Oh come on, Del. You're in hospital.

That's why I'm scared!

I mean, can you think of a
better place to be?

Yes, in a pub, down the market,
anywhere but here.

I think I know what's
wrong with me.

What?

I think I got... you know.

You mean?

No.

What! Not...

Yes.

Don't be stupid. What makes
you think that?

Because the doctors found out I was a bachelor and they
started asking questions about my social activities.

Bloody 'ell.

It's alright. I didn't tell 'em nothing.
I made out I was like an amateur monk.

But I've been lying here thinking
about my past.

What's the point in depressing yourself?

I've bin thinking back to
some of the birds I've knocked about with.

Cor blimey, Rodney, some of 'em
have bin round the track more times than a lurcher.

Del, you're just being irrational.

What about that unisex hairdresser's
down the high street?

Well, what about it?

Well, I went in there last
month for a trim, didn't I?

And I thought I was going to get one of the dolly birds
in the miniskirts. But who did I get?

They gave me
some mush called Jason.

- So?
- So, say he is a bandit.

I don't believe...

Del, you cannot go around making
accusations against innocent people.

Anyway, you can't
catch it off a comb.

No, but say he nicked the back of my neck
with his razor or something.

So long as he doesn't kiss it better,
you're laughing.

Then there's Uncle Albert - blimey, he's been
round the world more times than Phileas Fogg.

There's no telling what he might have picked up.
And there's you and that computer.

My computer?

Yes. I was reading about all
those computer viruses.

Calm down, right? Look,
I understand your fears and concerns.

But you're just letting your imagination run
away with you.

If you'd had 'that' or anything as serious
as that, they would have known by now.

These doctors are experts
you know.

I haven't thought of that.
It can't be that serious, can it?

Well, of course not.

So you just remember that next time
you're lying here at night,

thinking of all them women
and male hairdressers you've known...

They've got a spare bed
downstairs if you're interested.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Del, hold on. I'll get the
nurse. Nurse!

Hold on, Del, don't you die.
Don't you bloody die.

I'm not gonna die, you plonker.
I just sat on me bacon sandwich.

- Aren't you eating that?
- No, I'm not in the mood, sweetheart.

That's fresh fish.

I know it's fresh, it just
winked at me.

I'll have to tell matron.

No it's alright. It didn't
really wink at me.

No, I mean if a patient
doesn't eat his food I have to report it.

Oh go on, then, you go and grass me up.
I'm not frightened of the old cow.

Any news on my
application for a bed bath?

Sorry.

You've gotta make a decision,
Mr Trotter. We can either save you or the baby.

Robbie Meadows, you old git.

Please, Del, not in front of
the staff.

Oh yeah, sorry. Dr Meadows,
you old git. What brings you here?

I've got good news and bad
news, Del.

The good news is
they've put me in charge of your case.

- What's the bad news?
- I specialise in amputation.

Oh that's a good 'un. Here,
d'you still get down the One-Eleven Club?

No, not any more, Del. I've
packed gambling in, it's a mug's game.

- D'you still go down there?
- Oh yeah. Anyway, how come you're in charge?

It was an accident, really.

I just happened to be talking to some colleagues
when the name Derek Trotter cropped up.

So I asked if I could read your GP's report and
have a look at your tests.

I was amazed. I found myself reading about this
non-smoking, teetotal, celibate vegetarian health freak.

I thought, 'Can this be the same Derek Trotter that I
know and begrudgingly admire?

That uptight, wheeling-dealing, pina colada lout?
The Castella king, the curry connoisseur?

The same an who has lived his life on nervous tension,
fried bread and doubtful women?

And was it?

Yes, it was. Why did you lie
to your GP, Del?

- 'Cos she's a doctor.
- I don't understand.

Well, you never tell doctors the truth,
otherwise they put you in hospital.

But you've been put in hospital.

No, but I didn't mean that to happen, did I?
I thught she'd just give me a bottle of jollop.

Del, if you'd told the truth in the first place,

my colleagues could have
diagnosed your problem in a quarter of the time.

As it was, they thought they were
dealing with the perfect man

- but all the time it was you! It confused them.
It threw 'em onto the wrong tracks.

Well, I told her I did have
a cigar at Christmas time.

What about the other 10,000
throughout the rest of the year?

Oh that reminds me, we found your cigar-holder
in the body-scanner.

Oh cheers. Must have
fallen out of me robe.

We know what's wrong with
you, Del.

Let's hear the worst.
I can take it, I'm not frightened.

Don't pull any punches. I want it
straight from the shoulder.

Yeah, I think it's best in
the long run.

Well, basically, Derek, there's
nothing wrong with you.

Oh, oh thank God! Thank God.
Thank Allah, thank Buddha.

Thank you, thank you, God.

Relieved, eh?

Well, you know. So what
about all these pains?

You have an irritable bowel.

I'm not surprised with
you lot pulling me about.

No, no. That's what your
condition is called.

You have irritable bowel
syndrome. It's nothing serious.

I'll put you on a course of drugs. Your
condition has been caused by your lifestyle.

The late nights, the booze, the
nicotine, the fried fast foods.

Do you ever think about all the saturated fat
floating around your arteries?

I try not to. It puts me
off me grub.

One of the major contributory factors of this
syndrome is stress.

A lot of yuppies suffer from it.

Del, I took the liberty of phoning the director of
housing about your rent arrears.

How'd you find out?

I phoned your flat. I'm
sorry, mate,

I had to find out what the hell was going
on. I spoke to your uncle.

The council have agreed to give you some breathing
space, a bit of time to get yourself together.

Cheers, Robbie.

You've been given a warning, Del.

Nature's way of telling you to eat muesli
for breakfast.

Cut right down on the drink and
cigars.

Eat wholesome, real food and above
all else learn to relax. Doctor's orders.

Right, will do.

Pop this into the pharmacy
on your way home.

You mean I can go?

Yes, and don't come back. I want you
convalescing for the next three weeks.

I don't want you working or
getting excited.

Sit in a chair, eat boring foods and
live a boring life.

Well, that'll be easy. I'll sit in my flat
and talk to my Uncle Albert.

See you around, Del.

Thaks very much Robbie.

I knew there was nothing
wrong with me.

Silly old sod.

- Here you are, Del, breakfast.
- Oh good. What is it?

It's muesli.

Blimey! It looks like something that's bin
swept out of a pigeon loft.

You can at least try it.

It tastes like it's been
swept out of a pigeon loft.

I can't eat this for the rest of my life.
I'd rather croak it than eat this rubbish.

Well, don't get excited,
you'll bring your pains back on.

All the quack said was you've got to get
a sensible diet, and muesli's just part of it.

Alright, alright, Unc,
alright.

I'll do you a cup of tea, son.

How many cigars did that doctor say
that I can have a day?

- She said three.
- How many have I had?

Four.

- Alright?
- Yeah, triffic, Rodders.

Oh what's up with you now?

There's nothing the matter with me.
All that happened was...

I picked up some sort of syndrome,
and you two are treating me like an invalid.

We are not treating you like an invalid,
we are trying to do our best by you.

- Yes, I'm sorry, Rodders.
- That's alright.

Albert I've got the Complan.

- So you feeling relaxed?
- Yes. I'm relaxed ll over, thank you.

Good, 'cos I have got some
really great news.

- What is it?
- I'm getting married!

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