Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 6, Episode 2 - Danger UXD - full transcript

This machine is gonna change
our lives.

Good.

This is top-of-the-range hitech.

You can see that by all them
lights.

I don't know how
we've managed so long without one.

Nor do I...What is it?

What...what is it? It's a
videotape recorder.

It's got a little computer and
everything.

When you go on your holidays this thing
will record all the programs for you.

- Amazing.
- Nothing but the best.

How does it know you're on
holiday?



You send it a postcard, don't ya?
You programme its little computer, you daft old...

No luck, eh?

That's alright uncle,
I'll get the hang of it.

When it comes to technological things
normally I'm a natural

I just got to get used to all its...er...its
functions and its modes.

I thought the bloke you
bought it from said an idiot could work it.

Yes! Yes that's right.

Rodney! Come on, shake a
leg, it's gone six o'clock.

Yes, alright. Keep the noise
down, will you?

Cor blimey, look at the state of that.

I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes
looking smarter than that.

You got in late last night,
son. Out with that little bird of yours?

What's her
name - Cassandra?

That's right. Cassandra and I
went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall.



Yeah? That takes me back.

I used to go up there whenever
I was on home leave.

I saw some of the best there,
Rodney.

Here, here, you ever heard of
John Barbirolli?

Yes, course I have.

Sir John was one of the greats.

Yeah, Barbra and Ollie were
pretty good an' all.

I saw 'em all, Rodney. Adrian Boult,
Sir Malcom Sargent ? wonderful times...

- Who'd you see?
- Eric Clapton.

Eric Clapton? He's a new one
on me. Del Boy's got a new video recorder.

Yeah, there was a very
interesting article in the paper the other day.

Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world
that don't have any rubbish dumps;

they just send it all
to him.

Oi, oi, oi. That's enough of that. This is none of yer
Taiwan junk. This was made in Formosa!

But Formosa is...

Albert, please don't confuse
the issue!

Is what?

Is one of the world's leading
manufacturers of audio/visual equipment.

- And video recorders!
- And video recorders.

D'you want some breakfast, Del?

No thanks Albert. Breakfast
is for wimps.

- Rodney?
- Yeah, I'm starving.

Well, you know where I was last night while
you was up at the Albert Hall, headbanging?

I was having a drink with the managing
director

of the Advanced Electronics Research and
Development Centre!

Didn't that used to be
Ron's Cash and Carry?

Yeah, yeah, that's right,
but he changed the name.

That bloke's come on a
bundle in the last few years.

That man is at the
front of new technological frontiers.

He's got a Queen's Award
for industry plaque.

I know. I was there when
you sold it to him.

Exactly! You and I, we both
know it's a snide one but the punters don't!

They're impressed by the image.

And that's what today's modern
business world is all about - image.

You see, the right appearance can fool the
customer, right?

Now, take me for instance.
I'm a perfect example.

But you look exactly what
you are.

Well, thank you very much.
It's only 'cos I've got the right image.

No, I mean, it's the little things, you know,
it's like me aluminium briefcase there,

me Mercedes key-ring, me Filofax.

When people see these things they
know exactly what I am.

It is a bit of a givaway,
innit?

Better than a Mason's handshake, bruv!
It's like me jewellery.

Now a half-sovereign ring can say a lot
about a bloke.

Combined with a medallion, it
speaks volumes.

Now we're talking
the same language aren't we eh?

Just a minute.
Albert, stay there, just stand there.

As you see him standing there, what is
the first thing that comes to your mind?

Why have I got bloody
cornflakes again?

It's 'cos I can't get any
food in that fridge.

It's full up with tomatoes he
bought last week!

Alright, alright, I'm gonna
get rid of them today, aren't I?

No, I'm talking image-wise,
aren't I?

When I see him standing there
what this says to me, it says...

here is a man who has
worked hard all his life for an honest crust.

Here is a man of strong
principles, here is a man you can trust.

You see what I'm saying - you see how
easy it is to fool people, eh?

All you've got to do is have the right image.

Are you saying I've got to
get an image?

No, what I'm saying is you've
got to get rid of one! Take a look at me...

You see, I wear a trendy trenchcoat,
Gordon Gekko braces ?

you wear a lumberjack's coat and
Gordon Bennett boots.

My image says: 'I'm going right
to the top, flat out!'

Your image says: 'I'm going back
to bed 'cos I'm shagged out!'

You've got to learn to be dynamic, Rodney.
You must be dynamic you see?

Yeah, alright.

I was a bit dynamic last
night over at Ron's Cash...

over the Advanced Electronics
Research and Development Centre.

I was where the big business opportunities
occur and I was in a position to snap 'em up.

And what exactly did you snap
up?

That video recorder.

Financial Times index
must have gone through the roof!

No, I didn't just buy one - I bought 50 of 'em, rest of
them are in the garage.

Guess how much I paid.
Only 50 quid each.

But that's two and a half grand!
Where'd you get two and a half grand from?

I didn't. I got 'em on the
knock, you know, buy now, pay later.

When I sell 'em
Ronnie Nelson'll get his money.

But 50 quid each!

They've got to be hooky!

They are not hooky.

No, the reason why they're so cheap is

because they come from a consignment into which
the manufacturers

put in the wrong
operating instructions.

Oh great! So how are you gonna
operate a video recorder

with the instructions for a
sandwich toaster?

- I'm not - you are.

Well, you're the one who's taking a
diploma course in computer science - again!

Yes, that's right, so programming
a silly little thing like that

ought to be a doddle
for someone of your talents.

Yes, alright, I'll do it for
you.

Ah good boy, good boy. You
know it makes sense.

Listen, I want you to record a
programme for me on ITV called City News.

It's all about mega-powered business,
Wall Street, big bangs and all that.

You on it?

You know, I think a surgical
collar will suit you.

Talking about suits, I want
you to wear yours today.

I want you to look really snappy for the punters,
you know, with-it. We've got a high-profile image.

High profile? The only
thing we've got that's high is this flat!

Listen, I'm gonna make a very important
private phone call,

I want you two to take them tomatoes
down there and put them in the van?

Oh, by the way, don't forget the
rest, alright?
.

There you go Denzil. There's your stew.
That's a pound.

Cheers. I'll get you on the
way back.

Boeuf bourguignonne?
That's two pounds fifty sir.

Oh that's super.

Bon appetite.

So how's life treating you
then, Denz?

The same as Paxo treats a
turkey!

Bad as that, eh?

Well, whatever happened to 'good news' eh?
Has it been privatised or what?

Here, I heard you'd started your own
haulage company - Transworld Express.

Any time,
any load, anywhere.

That's right, but I've only
got a Transit.

A transit! So why all the
big, world wide slogans?

Well, I wanted to call it the
Peckham Courier Service.

Parcels, small boxes, that
sort of thing. Then I bumped into Del.

Oh don't tell me. Image,
yeah?

Yes. He said, 'There is no place in the
modern business world for small thinkers;

you have gotta be big, brave
and brazen', he said.

Why'd you listen to him?

Well, I keep telling myself I shouldn't take no notice
of him but Del insists! Does he still drink in here?

Yeah, occasionally.

But since the yuppies gentrified
Peckham

he's been hanging round the wine bars and
bistros. Of course, one by one they're barring him.

Well, they're bound to,
aren't they?

See them over there? They
only come in here to avoid him.

I saw Rodney this morning. He
was wearing a suit.

Someone must have died! There
ain't much good news around, is there?

Denzil, my 'ole mate!

I was just off Del!

No, not until I've bought you
a drink, you're not.

Here pina colada for me, please,
Michael; same again for Denzil.

I've told you before, you ought to clean
your pipes out, looks terrible.

Listen Michael, listen to me. I've
just come back from Folkstone.

I've got 25, six-kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes,
straight off the ferry, still got the dew on 'em.

2.50 a box, what do you say? Do your
salads up a treat.

What, 2.50 a box?

Go on then, Del, I'll have
one.

I put three boxes aside for
you. Rodney's on his way down with 'em.

Come and sit down over there. Tell me what
you've been up to.

Chloe, Adrian, how nice to
see you again.

Oh God, it's him.

Hello.

They're my sort of people.

You mean the bistro kids?

Ah yeah. I was in the wine bar the other night
with Adrian

debating the Trust House Forte/Cunard
merger.

Oh yeah, that's the sort of thing I like these
days, you know Denzil, the cut and thrust,

to and fro of an honest, well-honed
argument.

I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him.

Still, it's all over,
we're still friends, ain't we?

Perrier water under the
bridge eh?

Just look at me!
I'm supposed to be going out in this tonight.

Well you've ruined it,
haven't yer?

This is your fault! It's all
so I could present an image.

Well, I am presenting an image, I'm presenting the
image of someone who's covered in tomato stains.

That'll come off! Mike, give
him something to mop that up with, will ya?

How about a slice of bread?

I need him, don't I? I bloody
need him!

That was a nice suit this
morning, Rodney.

Yeah, I know it was. Gawd
knows how I'm gonna get it clean for tonight!

I'll probably have to cancel my date with
Cassandra and that'll ruin my evening

and she might meet a geezer who isn't
covered in tomato juice

and that'll ruin my life and
it's all your fault!

Oh shut up and sit down, you
big old brass!

Tell Rodney about your luck.
That should cheer him up.

'Ere, what's that? No luck,
me old mate?

Oh no, Del, lots of luck -
and all bad!

Last Friday
was mine and Corinne's anniversary.

Oh my Gawd!

No, Del, that's not the bad
luck.

See a while back I got this
contract with this plastics factory over Deptford.

They make garden furniture,
camping equipment, toys, the lot.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

Carry on.

Yeah, well Friday afternoon I
got this urgent call from the factory

to go to a shop in
High Wycombe and pick up 50 dolls.

They were being returned, faulty stock. But
it's my anniversary - isn't it? ?

and I've promised to
take Corinne out for the evening.

By the time I have got through all the rush-hour
traffic it's half-past six

and I've still got all the
dolls on board - so what do I do?

Take 'em back to the
factory like I'm supposed to and let Corinne down,

or leave 'em on the truck until
Monday and hope no one twigs?

Oh well, it's obvious, innit?
You let Corinne down.

No. How can the return of
faulty dolls be urgent?

I'd have left 'em on me truck
'til Monday.

That's exactly what I did.
And what happens?

The factory went up in flames.
Exploded, by all accounts.

Normally I can carry on
working for them because they've got other depots,

but tomorrow morning I have
got to hand in this unsigned docket

which proves I collected the
dolls but also proves that I didn't deliver them.

When the governors find out they
are either gonna think that I have become unreliable

or, worse still, that I am
on the thieve!

Yeah, it's a problem, innit
Denzil?

It's no problem. Are you two
gonna be plonkers for the rest of your lives?

This is no problem at all, this
is a gift from the gods!

- Give us that here now.
- What are you doing, Del?

I'm getting you out of
schtuck and into the money, right?

Right now, listen, I've signed that docket and
put on Friday's date.

They never bother
to check these things.

Now, as far as anyone's concerned all them dolls
went up in flames with the rest of the factory.

Them dolls on the back of your truck no
longer exist.

This means that the owners will get more
insurance money,

you get an empty truck plus a hundred
nicker bunce.

Me and the Tomato Kid here
we get 50 dolls to flog down the market

and the great British
public have another bargain of a lifetime!

Everyone's a
winner! Petit dejeuner!

Alright? I am now going to empty your van into ours Denzil.
Thank you very much.

See you later. Ciao, Chloe, Adrian.
Tee tee Michael.

How much d'you pay for 'em?

Two quid each. If we can
knock 'em out for a tenner a go,

that's four hundred quid profit, eh?
Lovely Jubbly!

You've just bought 50 dolls
that have got something wrong with 'em.

There's nothing wrong
with those dolls Rodney,

you know what these
quality-control geezers are like.

They see one little scratch on 'em and they
stamp 'em 'Reject!'

What about them dolls you
were selling at Christmas?

There was nothing wrong with
them dolls, was there?

You laid 'em back like in your
arms like that,

they closed their little eyes and they
looked exactly as if they was asleep.

Yeah, and we had to try 'n'
keep 'em closed, didn't we?

'Cos when you opened 'em
they was boss-eyed!

Yeah, well, they had put the
eyes in the wrong way round,

I grant ya, that's why they
were such a bargain.

Anyway the kids didn't notice, did they?
All except that little one who had nightmares

and I always said there was something wrong
with her to start with.

Anyway, these are probably top of the range,
Barbie or Sindy dolls or something like that.

Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy. These
dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.

You can't have dolls with
names like that!

You can if you go to the right
shops!

Bloody hell, what have we got
ourselves into here?

Well, this is your fault,
innit? You never stop to ask questions, do ya?

You just go crashing in and to hell with
the consequences!

That is because I've got a
high profile.

Yeah, high profile and low
forehead!

They're big for little dolls,
ain't they?

No, Unc. They ain't ordinary
dolls. You get them advertised in...

...magazines!

Where's that Radio Times?

Albert,
have a day off, will yer?

I mean seedy magazines, for
kinky, sleazy little men.

- You're pulling my leg.
- Oh am I?

You have a look at this then!

- He's right an' all Del!
- I know he is right.

Blimey, look at this lot in here.
We've got more colours in here than jelly babies!

I tell you Dell, we're gonna have
to get rid of them a bit lively.

Yes I know,
you're right and all!

Look at the prices they sell
for - 60 pounds each.

On the other hand let's not
be too hasty, eh Rodney?

Oi, come on, Del!

No, you were the one who was having a go at me
just now for making quick decisions, weren't ya?

Albert, let me
just have a look at that magazine there.

Don't give 'em to me!

Del, we can't sell these!

Rodney, Rodney, look at this.

These things, they sell for
60 quid each, don't they?

And these ones are selfinflating deluxe models,
for the more discerning weirdo.

Or maybe they're specially
made for bronchial perverts.

Rodney, if we could sell
these for just say 30 quid each, we'd make what?

1400 quid profit.
Just think of that.

1400 lovely smackarooneys split right
down the middle between you and me.

That means by this time tomorrow you could
have 600 quid of your own on your hip.

- And I know who'll buy 'em off us and all.
- Who?

- Dirty Barry.
- Who's Dirty Barry?

Well, he runs a little, um, 'personal' shop down the
Walworth Road and he'll take the whole lot of us.

And what happens if Cassandra
finds out?

Why, does she want one?

You know what I mean! She
won't wanna see me again, will she?

Well, how is she gonna find
out?

You stand a fair chance of getting caught if you go
walking round the streets in broad daylight with 'em!

Well we won't, will we?

We'll go down there tonight with
'em, he stays open 'til about eight o'clock.

Just get 'em out of here as
quick as you can.

I don't like the idea of sharing my
home with these evil little things

that'll bring nothing
but bad luck.

Now you know how me and
Rodney felt the day you moved in!

I don't want nothing to do
with them.

Look, we're traders,
aren't we? All we're doing is trading!

This is just a one-off deal, that's all.

I mean, people make a living out of this sorta thing,
it's big business an' all, innit?

I mean, you read about it in
the Sunday papers, don't ya?

All those MPs and vicars all
going off to them vice dens up in Soho

to get whipped and beaten up and they pay
200 quid, you know, for the privilege an' all.

And, blimey, they wanna walk
round this estate one night,

they'd get it done free and
on the national health.

Yeah, but them sort of people
are sick!

Yes, I know! But they're
still human beings!

I mean, if some weirdo wants to get it
going with 'arf a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen,

well that's his business.

As far as I'm concerned he can have a meaningful
relationship with a...with a barrage balloon.

As long as it's in the
privacy of his own hanger?

Exactly. Now, listen, I'm gonna give
Dirty Barry a bell

and tell him that we're gonna be over there
later on tonight.

Rodney, tell me the truth.

You couldn't honestly go out
and sell them horrible dolls, could ya?

To be honest with you, Unc,
no I couldn't!

Barry - Del Boy.

But I know a man who can.

- That's ?5.54.
- Cheers.

It's almost ready. I fetch
for you.

Good evening. Police in South London
have warned the public

to be on the lookout for 50
life-size inflatable dolls

which went missing from a
factory in Deptford over the weekend.

A police spokesman
today said that, due to a technical error,

the dolls have been loaded with gases

which include the highly
explosive and volatile gas, propane.

Dear God!

...The factory which manufactures them was
burnt to the ground on Saturday night

and experts suspect the fire may
have been caused by the presence of propane.

The theft came to light when security men noticed a
forged signature on a delivery docket.

Police have warned that the dolls are
potentially lethal,

particularly when exposed to heat,
and have appealed for their immediate return.

Your food is ready.

Usually they take the food
and run off without paying!

This guy's got it all
wrong!

I don't believe it! That's the last time
I trust you with anything, Rodney!

Look, I've already told you.
There is something wrong with that machine.

I asked him to set this to
record a programme on ITV called City News.

What have I got? Open University on
BBC2!

So instead of keeping my fingers on the
everchanging pulse of the stock market,

I am watching Christopher dopey Wren on
how he built St Paul's Cathedral!

I think it's interesting.

Yeah, you would.

You were most probably around when he
applied for planning permission!

It's nippy in ere, innit? Is it alright if I turn the
thermostat up?

You sure it's not too technical for you?

Oh you dipstick, Rodney, now
look what you've done?

Me?

I thought Rodney knew about
videos.

Yeah, Emmanuelle In Bangkok
and that's about it.

I programmed that computer to
record the programme you wanted.

Now it's not my fault if it decided to record
something else, is it? That machine is...

...up the wall!

You're tryna blind me with
science now, ain't you?

Personally I think these computers
are more trouble than they're worth.

How'd you figure that out?

There was a film on earlier
all about computers.

You're joking? Oh I wish I'd
recorded it.

Oh hang around, Rodney, you
most probably have.

It was called War Games.

It was all about this soppy kid
who messes around with computers.

Then one day he broke into the computer that
controls the American nuclear defence system.

He almost got us into
World War Three!

No chance of that happening
with Rodney, is there?

World War Three!
This plonker can't even get us into channel three!

Have you read the
instructions to your video recorder?

No, I haven't actually read them.

Well, why don't you do that
small thing Derek?

I think you'll find it very
interesting.

Because we have instructions in German,
Spanish, French and Italian

and not one single word in English!
And that's why your machine don't work.

It was made strictly for sale in
Europe!

But we're in Europe now, we're
in the Common Market, aren't we?

Yes, I know that, but we've got a different
electrical system to the rest of Europe

and that's why your machine
is on the blink.

Its components are burning out.

It is what's technically known as 'knackered!'
Ronnie Nelson's tucked you up.

I don't believe it! Well, that's
all I need, innit?

You won't be able to sell the
others now, Del.

Too late, Unc. I sold 'em all
this afternoon!

You sold 'em?

70... er... 60 quid each.

- You'll have to give the money back!
- Why?

Because they don't work!

What'd you expect for
60 quid! I mean, I've been tucked up.

I'm just passing it on, that's all.
That's bussiness!

Don't worry about it,
everything is gonna be cushty.

You are something else, you
are!

You're too picky, Rodney,
that's your problem.

What was that funny sound?

I don't know. What you looking
at me for?

Well, most funny sounds in
this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity.

Well I didn't do it!

What is that funny noise?

What's happening, what's
happening, Rodney?

How the hell should I know?

You're the one with the GCEs!

It's come alive, that's what's
happened!

Come alive! What'd you think
this is. Pinocchio?

I've seen this happen before! Years ago,
I was in Jamaica and I saw a voodoo ceremony.

This witch-doctor ran his hands over a dead cat
and it come back to life!

Yeah? I wish he lived round here;
he could have a look at my video!

Just take it easy, alright?

That's you, that is, talking
about Jamaica, look!

I don't understand it.

I thought you were supposed to pull a string
or press a button or something to inflate 'em!

So did I...

They're right
next to the hot-air duct.

Well, that must have caused it.

They must have a little canister of gas
inside 'em and the heat set 'em off.

Why d'you go and stick 'em
next to the hot-air duct for?

I didn't know the heat would do that!

Anyway, you're the one
that switched the thermostat up!

Well, I didn't know it was gonna
do that either!

Yes, alright, alright you two,
now just pack it in, for Gawd's sake, will ya?

What will our guests think?

They're ugly looking mares, ain't they?

Seen you with worse.

Rodney, you're gonna op an
unfortunate one in a minute.

Listen, we can't stand here
arguing.

We've gotta do something before the
rest of the black and white minstrels pop up!

How?

Well, they're bound to have a
little valve in 'em somewhere.

Yeah, that's right.

Go on, make your way in Rodney.

I'm not looking for it!! It
could be anywhere!

And I ain't looking for it
either. Could be illegal.

What're you talking about, illegal!
They can't phone for the police can they?

Do it yourself, Del Boy.

There it is, right on the back
there. Just going to stick...

Go on Rodney, have a go at that then.
Use one of these coctail sticks.

- Does Cassandra let you do that?
- Shut up.

Nothing's happening.

Nah, same here.

Maybe they're dodgy valves!

We used to get it on the
rubber dinghies in the navy.

Oh yeah, how can you tell?

Well, once they're up they
won't come down.

Well, you remember what Denzil said?
They were faulty, weren't they?

He was taking them back to the factory. It must
have been the valves that were faulty!

Well, how we gonna let 'em
down?

How should I know?

Can't you stick pins in 'em?

You're back to your voodoo
again, aren't you?

We've got 60 quid in profit tied up in
these two.

Oh look what's 60 notes, eh?
Come on, let's just burst 'em!

Rodney, Rodney, don't you
dare do that. Give me that here.

Cor, dear, your mother would turn
somersaults in her grave

if she could see you doing that.

She did not bring us
up to throw good money away,

just 'cos we've got
a little problem!

We'll find a way in which we can
get 'em down to Dirty Barry's.

And how are you gonna explain
the fact that they are fully inflated?

Well, I'll just say they're
samples.

I'll say we blew 'em up so we could see 'em in
all their natural beauty!

We'll chuck 'em in the back
of the van. They'll be out of sight then!

But how you gonna get 'em out
of this flat, down the stairs,

through the main doors, right across
the forecourt

to where the van's parked
without anyone seeing you?

He always has to spoil everything,
don't he?

He's got a point, though,
ain't he?

I mean, there's thousands of people on this
estate. Someone's bound to see you.

Alright, alright. I'll think of a way.

The first thing we've
gotta do is to get these into another room.

I mean, if that bloke from the council turns
up to talk to us about buying this flat,

Gawd knows what he'd think
if he sees Pepsi and Shirley here...

Albert, put these in Rodney's
room.

What? No way! I've already got a wardrobe full
of Mum's old clothes in my room.

Them two would just about take the
biscuit!

Who's gonna see 'em?

Well, in case I bring
Cassandra back. Put 'em in your room.

No, case I bring a bird back.
Put 'em in Albert's room.

Case I bring...

Oh alright, put 'em in my room.

I've gotta go and meet
Cassandra. I'll see you later.

Oi, Rodney! Just make sure you don't do anything
that might cause embarassment to our family.

Del, I don't think I could do anything that would
cause embarrassment to our family.

Good boy, good boy. Mum'd
be proud of you. Mum!

That's it Rodney, I think I've just worked out a way
how we can get these down to Dirty Barry's!

Oh no!

These tomatoes are a bit
manky, ain't they, Mike?

Still, they make your beer
taste better.

I'll have you know they were
fresh Jersey tomatoes!

Oh yeah, when?

Why do you come in this pub,
Trig?

For the company.

Trigger doesn't have many
friends or opportunities for social outlet.

Every weekend he goes down to the park
and throws bread to the ducks.

To him it's a dinner party.

So during the week he has a straight choice between
sitting in the cemetery or sitting in this pub.

Unfortunately, the cemetery
closes at six.

What is the matter with
everyone today?

Trigger's done nothing but moan,
you've got a face like a constipated rat ?

at least when Del Boy comes in he
cracks a joke and has a laugh!

It's due to the activities of the aforementioned Del
Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat!

Derek popped in to see me
this afternoon.

How is he?

A lot richer than before he
popped in to see me this afternoon!

He sold me some video recorders, ?70 each.
I snapped 'em up.

70 nicker each! What they
fall off, the back of a lorry?

If they did, they were going
round a bend in Dusseldorf!

How d'you mean?

I have just discovered that
these machines only work on the continental current.

To make them work on the
British system

would take a transformer the size of a
suitcase and an electrician of such genius

that I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape
Canaveral!

Seventy nicker each?

Those video recorders -
seventy nicker each?

- Yeah.
- I'll have one.

No, no, Trig. See they only work on a continental...
alright, I'll drop one round.

Cheers, Boycie.

Mike, Mike!

Hang on, hang on. I've only
got one pair of hands.

Have you seen Del Boy?

No, no. He ain't been in tonight.

Oh bloody hell! I've gotta do something really quick!
Is your phone working?

Is the phone working?

Look, we had a spot of bother
the other week.

They tore the wires out.
But what's all the panic?

I sold Del some dolls -
inflatable dolls.

Inflatable dolls?

He didn't know they were inflatable!
I never knew they were inflatable!

I picked 'em up from a place called
Playthings - I thought it was a toy shop!

Well, apparently the police are looking for
them, they're dangerous!

They've been fitted with the wrong gas cylinders.
They're full of something called propane.

Propane?
Here, that's explosive innit?

Very! Del's got 50 little
time-bombs on his hands.

If them things get hot
they are gonna have to redo the A to Z!

I'll pop around his flat. I'll see you later.

That's bad news, innit?

- Terrible!
- That's tragic!

Hurry up then. It's all clear.

Well, what a very peasant evening.

I'm gonna kill you!

Get the van, Albert.

It'll be alright as long as
we don't draw attention to ourselves.

Look!

Hurry up, Albert!

It's locked!

Cor blimey! You got the keys,
Rodney??

Yeah, here y'are. Hurry up.

Drive the van back over here, Unc.

But I'm not insured.

Well, don't have a crash then!

What if the police patrol sees us?

It's alright, these dolls
ain't hooky.

I'm thinking more of a public indecency charge!
How you gonna explain this in court?

I shall tell the truth,
Rodney. I shall say,

Yes, your honour, the other evening
my brother and I

decided to go out for a drink with two
life-size inflatable dolls

which were wearing my late
mother's clothing.

Can't put you in prison for that,
Rodney, can they?

No, they'd chuck us in Broadmoor.
The Norman Bates wing, most probably.

Hold up.

- Good evening, Derek.
- Good evening, Clayton.

- Good evening, Rodney.
- Evening, Mr Cooper.

- Good evening, ladies.
- Good evening.

Right, that's me finished with
'em, OK?

Here, just a minute.
Ain't you coming down Dirty Barry's with us?

No, I ain't. I've got a date
with Cassandra.

Look I had a date with that
Simone sort from the cut-price butcher's

and she had a bag of liver for us.
I've knocked her on the head.

Business comes first.

Well, I'm not knocking
Cassandra on the head.

Look, you bought 'em, he blew 'em
up, so it's YP Derek!

- YP?
- Your problem!

You dipstick! Come on, Albert,
get in the van.

Why have I gotta come in with
ya?

I need you to help me carry
'em into Dirty Barry's.

Don't keep worrying. We're in
the van now. No one can see 'em.

I hope you're right.

Trust me. Have I ever put you
wrong before?

You are a liar, Rodney!

Oh Cassandra, that hurts me!
I have never told an untruth in my life.

I happen to come
from an extremely honest family.

You told me you lived in a
great big house.

Well, I do live in a great
big house!

Nelson Mandela House - it's got about 70
flats in it. You can't get much bigger than that!

I drove you home to where you
claimed to live

and it most certainly was not a council
estate! It was a mansion.

I mean there was a brand-new
Mercedes in the front

and most probably an Olympic sized
swimming pool at the back.

The people that owned the house came to
the window and you had the gall to wave at them!

Yes, I remember.

And I swore to myself that night that never again
would I go out without my contact lenses!

Oh shut up!

- Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.

Well, you know when I saw your house,
it looked so nice I decided to sprawns a bit.

You must have known I'd find out.

No. I didn't think I'd ever
see you again.

Why?

Dunno, just didn't! I wanted to see you again
but did you want to see me again?

- Yes, I did.
- Why?

Because I thought you lived
in a great big house and had a Mercedes!

Why did you want to see me
again?

Well, I wanted to see what you looked like once
I had my contact lenses in.

And?

Well, it's come as a great
disappointment, Cassandra. I'm sorry.

Don't apologize. It happens
all the time.

I meet a guy, we get on well, he
regains his sight - end of story.

It's a tough world.

I'd like to meet your brother.

Why?

It's just the things you've
told me about him.

He seems like an interesting
kind of person.

Yes, Del can sometimes be interesting.
But most of the time he's just baffling!

Will you take that thing off.
You look like Little Red Riding Hood!

I don't want anyone round
here recognizing me!

Who the hell's gonna recognize you, eh?

You might not believe it, but during the war
I was quite a celebrity round these parts.

It was 'cos of all the medals
I won for bravery under fire.

The only acts of bravery you
ever performed were under water!

Say someone saw us holding
these things.

They might ring the press and they'd have a
field day what with me being an old war hero!

They'd call me one of those silly Fleet
Street nicknames.

They'd callme 'The Old Man of the PVC'
or something like that!

Will you stop moaning?

- Who's there?
- Barry, it's me, Del Boy.

Hold on.

He's security-conscious,
ain't he?

No, he's just moving some of his stock.

Come in.

Who's the monk?

No, no, that's my Uncle
Albert. He's alright, he's harmless.

- So what's occurring? You buying or selling?
- Selling.

Yeah? What?

What d'yer mean "what?"
These things, of course!

What d'yer think I'm doing,
giving 'em a guided tour?

Here, they're not the dolls
the police are looking for, are they?

- Police?
- No. These come from up north.

There's a shop I know that went
out of business.

And I thought I'll get these for my mate,
Dir...er...Barry.

Went out of business, did he?
Yeah, it's happening everywhere, Del.

The bottom's fallen out of this game.

Listen, Barry - now you're a businessman,
you know a bargain when you see one.

Now these are the finest
quality, top of the range.

They normally retail around the 70 quid mark.
I'm selling 'em for 30 quid each.

Yeah, you're right, Del. They are cheap.
Someone's gonna get a bargain.

No, no, not someone, Barry,
not someone: you!

No can do, Del. See, I had a
visit from the council yesterday.

They've revoked me
licence. Closed me down.

- Where am I gonna get rid of them then?
- Nowhere local, they're closing us all down!

- We're selling our stock, not buying!
- What about Soho?

You won't have any joy there,
mate. Their stockrooms are full.

We sold 'em all our
gear this morning.

Nah I tell you, Maggie Thatcher's
ruined this business.

At last someone's got
something good to say about her!

He's an old sailor. He's still got a bit of
depth charge lodged in his brain.

Come on, Brother Albert.

Just my luck, innit?

If I could have bought them dolls
a couple of days ago I could have outed 'em.

Instead of that, Dirty Barry and his
mates have flooded the market.

And as they've got rid of their stock I'm lumbered
here with Polythene Pam and Vinyl Vera.

Get off, I've got a headache!

That's God's punishment, that is!

Will you stop going on about
God and voodoo and all that?

You'll be shaking bones and
waving shrunken heads about next.

Oh, I know, I know what to do.
We'll hang on to 'em 'til the market picks up.

I mean, it's only like the stock exchange, innit,

you know, up and down, supply
and demand, constantly fluctuating.

We'll hang on to 'em and wait for the big bang!

- Goodnight, sir, madam. Thank you.

Can I give you a lift home?

Oh, no thank you. My mum warned
me about girls like you.

The lift home's all very well but you'll expect
a lot more than a good night kiss, won't you?

And I'm not that sort of boy.

And I thought you were a cert!

Look, I promise I won't try and
unbutton your shirt or take your string vest off.

Nah it's alright.

If you give me a lift home you've got to go
all round the one-way system, haven't ya?

I'll take a short
cut through the market.

If you're sure. You be careful,
though.

Oh, look, the baddies don't
frighten me. I'm street-wise aren't I?

Good!

And watch out for unexploded
inflatable dolls.

Didn't you see it on the news
tonight?

No, our telly's on the blink.
Why, what did they say?

You know like those creepy
blow-up dolls you can buy?

Yeah, well I've heard about
them.

There's a factory in Deptford
that makes them

and apparently a whole batch of them
has gone missing

that were accidentally filled with an
explosive gas.

- We shouldn't laugh!
- No, we shouldn't!

They could prove potentially
dangerous!

Look, Cassandra, I've gotta go.
I don't feel very well!

What's wrong with you?

Anything the matter, sir?

It's alright, I just feel a bit sick.

- Look, I'll phone you, OK?
- Yes!

That's the third complaint tonight.
Where did we get those tomatoes from?

You better not be having me
on, Rodney!

I'm not Del, honest!

I'll whack you straight in
the mouth if you're pulling my leg!

Explosive gas! I've never
heard of anything so daft!

Shut up and keep spraying!

Throw them over here.

Just dropping them off.

Thought you said you heard a
soosing sound?

I did. They was making a funny noise,
like something was gonna happen!

The only thing that's happened so far
is poor old Mum's clothing's got all dirty!

I shall have to take
it all down the dry-cleaners now!

Del, them dolls are dangerous!
They've been on the news, everywhere!

How d'you know it was them
dolls that they were talking about?

I know, right, I just know!

Well, the only thing that I know is
I've got 60 quid laying out over there

and we're hanging about here
like a couple of spare ones at a wedding.

Oh, some on, I've had
enough of this, come on!

See?

I told 'em not to have the
mutton vindaloo!

Blimey, that could have happened
anywhere, Rodders!

I know! We only just got
rid of them in time! We was well lucky.

No, it's not luck, Rodney.
It's Mum.

Mum?

Yeah, she's up there
somewhere watching over us.

Oh, yeah.

The old April going is it?