Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 6, Episode 1 - Yuppy Love - full transcript
After seeing the film 'Wall Street' Del fancies himself as Peckham's answer to Gordon Gecko and changes his image. He even - temporarily - gives up the Nag's Head for a trendy wine bar where he is just a little too casual for his ...
That's the way, Rodney. Don't bother helping me get the tea
ready, you carry on poncing about with that computer.
I am not 'poncing about' with
anything!
In case it's slipped that senile,
shrapnel-cluttered brain of yours,
I happen to be studying for a
computer diploma course.
Oh I ain't forgotten, son.
I remember you enrolling on a
three-month course - two years ago!
It happens to be an extremely
difficult exam!
Well, you should know. You've
failed it often enough.
I have not failed - well, not
in the popular sense of the word.
The other students have
an advantage over me.
Yeah, they all pass.
I mean, they are sent to the
evening college by their companies.
All day long they are working with computers,
knocking out data and programs, ain't they?
Whereas all day long I am working with
a suitcase,
knocking out disposable lighters and
Turkish raincoats!
But even if you get your diploma, what difference
will that make to Trotters Independent Traders?
I am not doing it for Trotters
Independent Traders! I'm doing it for me!
This diploma could be my passport to freedom,
a decent job, a future!
I mean, I can't go on for the rest of
my life messing about with this sort of junk, can I?
D'you know
what he wants me to do?
He wants me to stand in a market flogging
raincoats with 'dry clean only' on the label!
Puts the punters right off!
Well, the way Del Boy was telling the other day,
the futures' never looked promising.
Oh, Albert. That's all talk innit?
Haven't you seen the changes in him?
He's gone all high-powered and trendy
ain't he?
He saw that film Wall Street about
six bloody times!
There's a character
in that, right, called Gordon Gekko.
Now he's a real tough, high-flying whiz
-kid right, and Del wants to be just like him.
He doesn't seem to realize that Gordon
Gekko had brains.
Del thinks all you need's a Filofax and a pair of
red braces and you're a chairman of the board!
Still, I will say one thing for him: he's been very
encouraging with this evening college course.
Yeah, how?
Well, he gives me a
lift there every week!
That's the way, Rodney. Don't bother about
stocking up the van for the morning.
You just carry on poncing about with
that computer.
Derek, it is my college evening
and I am trying to finish my homework!
That's very good, Rodney.
You'll get a star for that!
I dunno why you bother, honestly.
You've always been the same, even
when you was at school,
nothing but books, learning, education.
That's why you're no good at snooker.
Fancy a bit of grub, Del?
No thanks, Albert. Food is for wimps, and I've got me
correspondence to catch up with.
It's tough at the top, eh
Del?
We'll get to the top, one day.
This time next year we will be millionaires!
See, we are moving already.
This is from the council.
They've received my application to buy this flat
and they're giving it consideration.
This flat? Why?
Well, we've been living in it since 1962.
You were born in it. He was banned from it.
I mean, we're all living in it,
you know the whole family.
There's Mum and Grandad and,
you know, everyone.
This place holds many warm
memories for me.
But why do you wanna buy it?
- So we can sell it!
- Sell it? What for?
A bloody good profit, with
any luck!
Exactly. You see, Rodney,
Peckham here is becoming a trendy area.
I mean, it's full of wine bars and bistros,
you know. Property prices are booming.
So if we can flog this place to some
chinless wonder for some vastly inordinate sum
well, that means that we can get a nice
little drum out in the suburbs.
Del, council properties were built so the
poorer classes would have somewhere to live!
If they start selling them to
hooray Henrys where they are they gonna go?
- Esher, Orpington - somewhere like that.
- But they can't afford to buy houses!
They can when they've sold
their flats!
Yeah, yeah, 'course they can.
It's money for old rope.
Lovely Jubbly!
It is immoral!
Oh shut up, you tart!
Alright, think of it from our
business point of view, eh?
I mean this flat is in a
wonderful position.
It's 15 minutes from the West End,
it's 15 minutes from the motorway.
And 15 minutes from the ground.
You're right, Rodney.
I ever thought of that!
That's a very good selling point.
I'm gonna make a note of that.
That could put a few grand on, Albert.
Yeah, don't worry.
We'll make a nice little bit
of bunce out of this old drum.
You have got no right to sell
this flat over my head!
Do you mind? Listen. I've been living here for 27 years,
that gives me the right to decide its future!
And I was born here! That
gives me more right than anybody.
You might have been born here,
but Del's the one who pays the rent arrears.
Yeah, that's right, and you just take
how much I've paid in rent over the years.
I must have bought this place
at least four or five times over
and yet not one breeze block belongs to me - to us.
But all that is gonna change!
You're just a snob, that's
all you are!
I am not a snob, Rodney;
I am a realist.
I've grafted for years to try and get us a
nice little place out there at the open air
and look at us - we're still here in this
council-built Lego set!
I used to watch you when you was a kid, you know,
breathing in all the fumes from the motorway ?
you must have more lead inside you
than a butcher's pencil,
and I used to think,
what is it doing to his little brain?
Too late now, son.
Yeah, you see, that's right!
I'm a fully gro...
What d'you mean, it's too late now?
I mean you're a full-grown
man!
Oh... Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
Anyway, you've only been paying the rent
here since Mum died!
Oh leave it out, Rodney.
I've been paying the rent here
ever since I was old enough to 'op the wag!
I was the only one in this family
who earned any money!
I mean, you just take it that it was mom,
bless her, you know...
She tried but her health let her down.
And there was Dad, he would have loved a job,
except he suffered from his sticky mattress
and there was dear old Grandad,
bless him.
He was about as useful as a pair of
sunglasses on a bloke with one ear!
All the things we've ever got out of life has come
through my intelligence and my foresight.
Well, I'm glad somebody's
owned up!
I don't know what you're moaning about.
Life's been a walk over for you.
You never had to graft for it when you
was a kid. I saw to it that you didn't have to!
But I was 11 years old, Rodney,
Dad got me two - count 'em - two
paper rounds.
That was me, come rain, sleet or shine,
there was Del Boy every morning...
35 Daily Sketches, 40 Heralds and a
Spick 'n' Span for the weirdo in Marley Road!
And when Id' delivered them I went to
another shop and started me second round!
Dad always said
he'd get me a bike!
- I used to work when I was a kid as well!
- When?
When I was 11! When they were
introducing North Sea gas to the area
and you'd got hold of that consignment of
do-it-yourself gas conversion kits.
You remember, that Sunday you sent me down the
Mountbatten Estate with a barrow-load of 'em.
All day long I was down
there knocking on doors.
I missed me Sunday dinner and
everything.
And not one of the gits down there
had the decency to tell me
that the Mountbatten Estate
was all-electric!
I remember you
coming back and telling me about that.
They just kept laughing at me! I thought it was that
stupid flower-power shirt you used to make me wear.
That was a beautiful shirt,
that, Rodney!
That was 'orrible! It was pink
with little red poppies all over it.
That was
very fashionable, once.
But Derek, at the time
I happened to be covered in chickenpox!
From a distance it looked
like I was stripped to the waist!
To this day I will never know what possessed
you to send me to that estate.
I mean, you had mates living there,
you must have known it was all-electric?
Alright, I don't know. It was a long time ago
I've forgotten about...
Alright, so you grafted as well.
He fought and died for his country... many times!
Which gives us the right to
make a bit of profit out of this flat.
I wanna stay in this flat!
You can buy it off Del then!
That's the trouble with you, Rodney,
you don't move with the times.
The world is changing out there;
it's a financial jungle.
It's a question of he who dares,
wins, he who hesitates...don't!
It's called the survival of
the fittest.
No, Unc, it's called pull the
ladder up, Jack, and sod the rest!
There are times when you have
to look after yourself, Rodney!
I remember once when I was in
the South Pacific.
Don't you dare give me
another nautical nightmare!
I've already been through the
Adriatic with him once this afternoon.
It's like the
adventures of a Dover sole!
Alright, Rodney. Look, we
won't move far away.
There are lots of nice places
around this area.
We'll buy a house that
befits people like us.
- What do you mean, people like us?
- Well, yuppies.
I am not a yuppy!
No. But given time and a bit
of help from me...
Is it supposed to do that?
What you stopping for?
Cop a load of this, bruv.
I mean, this is what you call living.
You know, I bet this gaff, I bet it's got a
guest suite, swimming pool, a jacuzzi!
What have we got? A put-you-up,
a damp patch and a jakarsey!
What do you reckon this sort
of place goes for then?
Oh, I dunno, three-quarters
of a million, maybe more.
We'll be in one of those one
day, bruv.
Oh yeah! What you got lined
up, a decorating job?
No, listen to me. We just need
an half-decent break and we'll be millionaires!
Del, I wouldn?t live in this road
if you paid me! It's poncy. It's... it's immoral!
Immoral? What you going on
about, you dipstick?
You've got something like 18 acres of land here
with about 12 families living on it.
These sort of people need a
bit of space round 'em, don't they?
I mean, down here you've got stockbrokers,
private doctors... Porsches!
This is the creme de la
menthe of our community!
You could house thousands of
people on this land!
What, more tower blocks?
If it was left up to you, the only
growth industry would be lift-repairing!
Every time you go to these evening classes
you end up talking like Ken Livingstone or Arthur Scargill.
Watch it or you'll end up
with a funny hair cut.
Are you gonna drive me to
the adult education centre
or are we gonna stand here all night
admiring the privets?
Are you sure the door's closed,
Rodney?
Look, Rodney. I wanna be
successful, but not for the money.
I want the power and
the influence that success brings.
And what will you do with
all this power and influence?
Spend it!
Go on, hurry up Rodney.
They'll be calling the register in a minute!
Mind the road! Remember what
the Green Cross Code Man said?
You are getting on my bloody nerves!
Just remember, if the big boys gang up
on you again at playtime, you tell the teacher!
Why don't you pi...
And don't lose
your dinner money!
Now that's a bit of me!
- It's good to unwind, innit?
- Sorry?
After a hard day in
the City, it's good to unwind.
I imagine it must be very
tiring.
Tiring? Tired, yeah, I'm
cream crackered and that's no lie!
Well, I've been up since six this morning
trying to talk to a bloke in New York.
Why didn't you use a telephone?
No, I've got a telephone an' all
that.
No, I mean, it's just a long and stressful day
wheeling and dealing in the old commodities market.
It ain't all champagne and
skittles.
Oh no - buying, selling, making billion-pound decisions.
It's a git of a journey home an' all!
What exactly do you buy and
sell in the commodities market?
Oh, you know, this and that,
whatever's going, you know.
Iron, ore, sugar beet.
I made a killing today on olive oil.
Gawd knows what
Popeye'll say when he gets home!
Can I get you anything?
Yes please, John. A bottle of
Beaujolais Nouveau.
- Yes, sir.
- A '79.
Oh, Popeye? You got it, have yer?
Good 'un, innit?
Oh bloody hell! How am I
s'posed to do all this?
Hello!
Sorry to interrupt you.
Oh what? No, it's alright,
just some computer data I've to put into a program.
It looks very complicated.
Well, yeah, it does look difficult,
but it's no problem... My name's Rodney.
Cassandra.
Oh Cassandra. That's a lovely
name.
Thank you. Um, I just wanted
to say...
I'm glad we've bumped into each other 'cos
I was trying to find a way of saying hello to you
and I think it's really you know, sort of
liberated for you to make the first move.
Move? No, you don't understand.
You've taken my coat!
Oh, I am so sorry.
It's OK. They're very similar;
it's an easy mistake to make. This one's yours.
Well, how'd you know it's
mine?
It's got your name
written in it.
Look, I didn't write this.
It's, it's most probably my brother you know -
his idea of a joke!
Well, whatever. We've sorted
it out now.
- Well, nice meeting you.
- And you.
Cassandra! I was wondering
whether you had time for a quick drink?
Oh I'm sorry. I'm going out
with a friend tonight.
Oh well, never mind! Um,
can I walk you to your car?
- Oh thank you.
- Pleasure.
Here we are!
I thought it was...
Thank you for getting me here
safely.
Oh think nothing of it. Nice
car.
It's my father's.
- D'you live round here?
- Blackheath. How about you?
Peckham.
Where are you parked?
Me? Oh, I lent my car to my
brother.
Well I wish I hadn't now, after he wrote
my coat, the little rascal!
Oh, I'll get a bus down the
terminus.
I'm going past the terminus -
if you'd like a lift?
Oh thank you.
I think someone's calling
you.
Really?
Hey, over here! I hung about for you.
I'll give you a lift home.
Oh yeah. That's - someone I know.
Well, thanks for the offer anyway.
- OK. Bye.
- Yeah, bye.
Who's the tart?
What... what is the matter with you?
Has he given you lines or something?
Why did you write my name
inside that raincoat?
Mum said to me on her deathbed...
Look, why did you write it,
you git?
Alright, alright. She said to
me,
"Make sure you always write Rodney's
name in his clothes' that way no one'll nick 'em."
And I was just keeping my promise.
I was so embarrassed.
Yeah, but no one nicked yer
coat, did they, eh?
Oh come on, come on, it was just a
joke, you touchy sod.
Come on, have a drink. I've got
some wine and some of that funny water.
Right, I never thought I'd like a Spitzer
but I've got right into it now.
Why don't you try that?
Good stuff.
What are you still doing
here?
Ah well, when I dropped you, I followed
these two yuppy sorts, you know.
Told 'em a few jokes, flashed me
Filofax. knocked 'em bandy!
So where are they?
They went to the ladies a couple of hours ago
and they ain't come back yet.
Still, never mind, never mind eh?
There's plenty more in the sea,
plenty more where they came from ain't there, eh?
That's an idea, why don't we pull ourselves
a couple of sorts and go on to a club?
Nah, not me, Del.
Oh come on. You're not going
home already, are ya?
No. Not with Albert there.
The last thing I need right now is
another battle of the Baltic!
Look, stick them in the van for me, would ya?
I'll see you later Del.
Yeah, yeah, alright, bruv.
Yeah, I will, yeah.
- Excuse me, are you eating?
- No, I'm nibbling it.
Our bistro's just open
and I wondered if you'd like a table for dinner?
Oh dinner, no thanks John.
Dinner is for wimps.
You know what I mean?
- And tonight's lucky winner is...
- That chick sitting at the corner
You got no chance with her Jevon.
I've seen 5 blokes asking her for a dance...
- and she gave 'em all a blank.
Five ordinary mortals. She
hasn't met me yet.
Just listen to it!
Well, you carry on, Jevon.
Me and Mickey'll prepare the alter.
I'll wave to you as I leave.
Don't forget, will yer?
That Jevon, he does the
business, though, don't he, Rodney eh?
Still, I taught
him everything he knows.
Oh turn it up, Mickey. Last time you went out with
a bird you took her to a Bay City Rollers concert.
What's the matter with you anyway?
You got a boil or a pimple or something?
Yeah sort of - it's called
Del Boy.
Oh yeah. Yeah, he's getting
a bit noncy, ain't he lately?
I seen him walking down the high street the
other day with his Filofax held up in front of him.
You know, a lot of people
thought it was a protest march.
Yeah, well, he only uses it
for business, don't he?
And what about that green coat of his, eh?
He's looks a right poultice, don't it?
Well, personally I think he
looks very smart.
Oh leave it out, Rodney.
He looks like the Incredible Hulk's little boy!
Oh I'll tell him next time I see him. I'm sure he'll
find a way of showing his gratitude.
You don't have to tell him, do you?
It's only a joke, innit?
I don't believe it. It looks
like Jevon has fallen on stony ground!
She's a lesbian!
She probably likes the direct approach
instead of all that old fanny you give 'em!
Watch
the master and learn!
The thing is, I never know
whether to believe him.
He always struck me as a
pretty straight forward type.
You don't know him like I do!
- Do you wanna dance?
- No!
Right!
Definitely a lesbian!
Oh don't be stupid they're all busy down
the town hall! She'd dance with me!
That's what we like about you Rodney,
we're always guaranteed a laugh!
Look, I'm a first dan of lateral chatting
and this is God's foster son!
So what chance has a woll like you
got?
I bet she'll dance with me!
You bet, do ya? Right, a
tenner says she don't!
I'll have some of that!
That's a score. Cover the bet Rodney.
Alright, I will!
Before you ask her to dance,
why don't you see if she'll lend you a fiver?
One score!
You don't come to a disco
expecting to make a profit, do ya?
That's very true Michael.
I'll see you two later.
He said he had a holiday home
near Marbella.
It turned out to be a caravan
on the Isle of Sheppey!
Well didn't you say something?
Yes, but he said distance was
relative.
Well I suppose he's got a
point.
I mean compared to somewhere like Melbourne
the Isle of Sheppy is near Marbella!
Hello - again!
Oh Trig! Trigger! Trig, over here!
- Del Boy.
- Hiya.
What you doing here?
I'm always here.
I'm a regular here now.
John, get my mate a pint of
lager.
I'm afraid we don't serve
beers, sir.
Oh. I remember now, yeah.
There was no call for it so they knocked it
on the head. D'you fancy a Spitzer?
Er... yeah, I'll give it a try.
Yeah, anyway, what you doing down here, Trig?
I thought you'd be in the old Nag's Head.
Yeah, I was, but Mike's just
barred me.
Barred you. What for?
He accused me of stealing one
of his pork pies.
What do I want his rotten pork pies for?
I don't even like pork pies!
Oh, he's right out of order,
that bloke.
Oh I'm thinking of suing him
for def... defn...
- Slander.
- Yeah.
I wouldn't worry about it,
Trig, he's done you a favour actually.
I mean, look around you.
This place is full of yuppy sorts.
Yeah, we can't go wrong here.
All we gotta do is learn
to learn their language.
Why, they foreign then?
No, they're yuppies! They don't speak
proper English like what we do.
I mean, I've bin earholing 'em.
It's all 'Ya', 'Soope' and 'Fab'.
And they love to talk about
money. It's their favourite subject.
I mean, you chat about money
and you can't fail to impress them.
- Yeah?
- God's honest.
I saw one of them old five
pound notes the other day.
I don't mean
talk about your bloody coin collection, do I?
I mean, you just gotta talk
about your wealth.
But I ain't got none of that!
Neither have half of these. They're all living
in sin with their flexible friends.
You just gotta chat about it,
you just gotta talk, that's all.
Look, I'll show you how
it's done.
Watch me, watch this.
It's all go when you're in a
high-profile business, innit girls eh?
Really?
Yes, 'cos I'm in stock and
shares meself, yeah.
I bought a few thousand shares in a
little department store this afternoon.
Now I've gotta phone me lawyer and me
accountant. Gives you the 'ump, don't it?
Excuse me, sorry,
how do you spell 'Arrods?
Capital 'A'!
Oh, I see!
Beam me up, Snotty!
It's all you need, innit eh?
Have this. I don't want it.
See you later, Mickey.
Rodney, Rodney, hang on.
What's happening, then eh?
What's she all about?
Her name is Cassandra, she lives in
Blackheath and she is giving me a lift home!
She's got a car?
No she's giving me a crossbar!
Of course she's got a car!
We're dropping her friend off first, she lives
next door to Cassandra.
You're going to Blackheath?
You can give me a lift home, then eh?
No!
Oh go on. I'm goin' a club
over Blackheath.
Just drop us off somewhere
and I'll walk the rest of the way.
No, 'cos, um, well, she's
only got a two-seater!
If she hasa two-seater, how come she's taking
you and her mate?
No, look, Mickey.
Jevon, we're off.
You'd better not nause this
up for me, Mickey.
Don't worry. I'll be on my double
best behaviour - the perfect gentleman.
You'd better be!
- Promise! What's her friend's name?
- Emma.
She do a turn?
Sorry, don't get the 'ump!
You see, nowadays these modern Eurobirds,
they go for the mature men who'd made it in life.
Yeah? Is that why we're
having no luck?
I haven't started yet! I'm just
building myself up to it.
Well, you'd better hurry up.
It'll be closing time soon.
Alright, alright.
I think we're on a winner here, Trig,
alright?
Play it nice and cool, son, nice and
cool. You know what I mean?
Drink up Trig.
Drink up. We're leaving.
Ain't you gonna try for them
birds?
No, no, you're cramping
my style, mate.
Me and Rodney live ear each other.
Do you know the Nyerere Estate, Peckham?
No, I can't say I've ever
hear of it, no.
Well, it's a rather lively place,
specially when the militants hold a Mardi Gras!
You two live in
Blackheath?
Yes.
Hear, you heard of a drinker round there
called the 'Down by the Riverside Club'?
No, I can't say I've ever
heard of that either. Where is it?
Well, ooh, it's down by the
riverside, innit?
I've heard of it. It's got a terrible reputation,
full of unsavoury characters.
I'm a member!
Beg your pardon.
That's alright, darling, I didn't even hear it!
Didn't even hear it!
Oh please, God!
Alright, fair enough.
You get a few unsavoury characters
get in there, but we enjoy ourselves.
So do lynch-mobs!
Ooh, bitchy! Just for that
I'm not gonna let you give me a kiss good night.
Oh, God!
Here we are.
- Night, Rodney.
- Good night, Emma.
Here, Rodney, clock the
houses!
Yeah, nice eh?
Nice? You gotta be talking
300k!
Gonna be a bit of a culture shock
for Cassandra
when she drops you off
at Nelson Mandela House, innit?
Anyway, I'd better walk it
from here eh? I'll see you, Rodney.
Night, Cassandra. Good night
Emma... love you!
Look, I'm sorry about Mickey.
Don't be silly. We all have friends who are ?
over the top, shall we say?
Yeah. He's probably still
upset about losing his money.
How'd he do that?
Well you remember when I asked you to dance?
Well, I did it for a bet.
Well, no, I didn't mean it
like that!
Mickey said I wouldn't have the guts
to ask you. But well, I did.
I get the feeling that hidden in that statement
somewhere there's a compliment.
Yeah, a big compliment.
Alright, then, I suppose we'd better be getting
you back to - what was it called?
The Nyerere Estate?
I don't live in the Nyerere
Estate!
But I thought Mickey said...
Mickey lives on the Nyerere Estate.
I live near it. Past it.
Quite a long way past it. I'll show you.
What a lovely road you live in.
Yes, it's quite nice.
Ah, here we are.
You lucky thing, what a great
house.
Oh well, I don't notice it really, you know.
It?s just a place to lay my head.
Ah, good, my brother got the car home safely.
Well, thanks for the lift, Cassandra.
Pleasure.
I'll give you my number. Give me a
ring. If you like.
- Thanks. Well, good night.
- Night.
Good night, Rodney!
Yes, of course.
Please drive away!
Oh my God!
Hi, I'm home.
Please, Cassandra, go!
Cosmic.
Cos bloody-mic.
What'd you wanna do
that for, you soppy old duffer?
Bloody 'ell, I don't realise
me own strength!
It has nothing to do with
your strength.
I was having a few drinks earlier this evening
in a very trendy wine bar
with some of my yuppy friends when I
happened to fall arse over head!
You're gonna do yourself a
lot of damage if you ain't careful.
I've already done meself a
lot of damage!
I mean, you're not eating -
eating's for wimps!
And you're drinking so much
you're falling down in boozers!
I wasn't drinking, in fact I was on some very trendy
funny-tasting... oh forget it!
I'm getting rid of that
rubbish in the kitchen.
Do you want me to chuck
anything else down the chute?
Not unless you're feeling in
a kamikaze mood!
Look, why don't you let me
do you some grub eh?
Yeah, alright Uncle. I am feeling a bit hungry.
Do me a health-conscious fry-up will ya?
I don't care what they say,
you can't whack The Who.
- Alright?
- What?
- I said, alright?
- Triffic!
What's it like out?
There's a few spots of rain
in the air!
Yeah? It might help us shift
some of those raincoats.
Blimey, that one shrunk.
Come on, let's have it here.
Did you have a good night?
Not too bad.
I stayed on at the wine bar.
It's very nice, my sort of place.
Then I went on for a drink - down
by the riverside!
I met that Mickey Pearce, he came in
right at the last knockings, and he told me
that you'd met this posh tart
and she'd given you a lift home in her flash car.
Yeah, that's right.
What's she got, a convertible?
No! I asked her to drop me
off half way. I fancied a walk.
What, in this weather?
Lots of people enjoy walking
in the rain.
Yes I know, but they're
usually recaptured very quickly.
Del, this bottle's empty.
That's alright, no problem.
Chuck it in the rubbish...
It's alright, Rodney,
you can't hide the truth from me.
I know what happened tonight.
I can read you like a book.
You know nothing, Del,
so keep it out.
I've got 20 notes here -
look, there they are ?
that says I can guess what happened tonight.
G'on then, you cover that.
Alright, go'n then, know-all,
tell me!
Alright. That Mickey Pearce said that this Cassandra
sort lived in a right nice drum.
Yeah, so?
So this is what I think
happened.
You saw her house and the snob in you
came racing to the surface and you thought:
"Ooh, how can I take her back to
Nelson Mandela House?"
So on your way home, you've made her
drive up some right posh road
- somewhere like The King's Avenue -
and then you stopped at some right nice little mansion
and you pretended that's where you lived!
You don't half talk a load of
rubbish!
- Is that the truth?
- Yes!
Thank you very much indeed.
That's it, Rodney, you see, you're like an open book,
my son - and it's thicker than my Filofax!
"Double yout money
try to get rich."
I'll file your bloody fax.
Still raining?
No, I took a short cut through
a car wash!
Alright, boy, don't have a go
at me, I only asked!
I'll chuck this stuff down the
chute.
Here y'are, dry yourself off.
And don't be ashamed
of where you live, Rodney.
Look, I want better than this
but I'm not ashamed of it.
Oh but Del, you should have
seen her road.
There weren't one window boarded up,
all the lamp posts worked.
I meant what would she have
thought if she'd have come back here eh?
Well, just keep driving straight past
the burnt-out panda car, Cassandra,
and I live just
before the next barricade.
I know how you feel, Rodney.
I've been through the same emotions meself.
You?
Yes, me. Well it was about 15, 16 years ago.
I met this bird. She was from Texas.
What, the do-it-yourself place?
No, no. Texas in America.
Her old man was an oil-baron or something.
She had one of these long double-barreled
funny names like Elly-May or something like that.
How would you meet an oil
baron's daughter?
I was working in the Tower
of London.
I was doing the old Happy Snaps,
you know?
Second-hand Brownie, no film, pound a go
- Lovely Jubbly!
She asked me to take a picture of her
and a Beefeater at one of these crow things, right?
So, anyway, I started to chat her up and I offered to
show her round London.
So, anyway, after a little while
we fell deeply in love with each other...
God, what was her name? Anyway, it
doesn't matter, anyway.
You know what she said to me one day?
Where's my picture?
No, she didn't say that!
She paid me a very great compliment.
She said when she met me it reminded her
of the day that President Kennedy died.
And that's one of the nicest
compliments you've ever had?
Don't you see what she meant?
No.
Well, I like to think that she meant
that everyone remembers
where they were the day
they met Del Trotter.
She might not have meant that!
Well what else could she have
meant?
Well I don't know. Perhaps
she meant you looked, yeah,
you looked like Lee Harvey
Oswald!
I don't look like Lee Harvey bleed 'n' Oswald.
Cor, who's Lee Harvey Oswald?
He's the bloke what shot
Kennedy. You look a bit like him, Del.
No, I don't.
No, of course you don't.
You look nothing like him. I'll get your grub.
So, anyway, what's you and Peggy-Sue
gotta do with me and Cassandra?
'Cos she wanted to see where I lived and I had
the same struggle with my conscience as you've had.
I was frightened if I brought her back
here she might think less of me.
- So you didn't?
- No, I did.
When?
Well, it was one Sunday,
years ago now.
Well, where was I?
You was down the Mountbatten
Estate selling them gas conversion kits.
You bastard! You sent me all the way down
there knowing I had chickenpox.
just so you and Annie bloody Oakley
could have the flat to yourselves!
It wasn't like that, Rodney, wasn't like that. I was
trying to present you with a challenge.
What, selling gas conversion kits on an all-electric
estate? That's a challenge and a half!
No, it's alright, listen,
I'll tell you the truth.
Alright, so I wanted to get
rid of you for a couple of hours.
I mean, I was serious about her and wanted to make
a good impression.
I just thought, well, bringing her back to
this tower block's bad enough but, I mean,
if she saw you in that dopey shirt
and all them Randolph Scotts all over your face,
that'd be good night Vienna,
wouldn't it?
So she come back here?
Yeah. I gave her a pot of tea and a
Lyons Victoria sponge. It was very nice.
And did she, you know, think
anything less of you?
I dunno - I never saw her again.
I mean she went home,
you know, her holiday was finished.
Did she write to you?
Cor blimey, look at it, it's
bucketing down out there, innit?
Here are, Del Boy.
Oi, some little bird phoned
for you about 15 minutes ago.
I think she'd been on drugs.
She said you'd left your coat in the back of her car and
she'd taken it back to your house in the King's Avenue.
The people there had never
heard of you.
You conning git!
Give me that money back!
Stop it. Calm down. You've learnt a very
valuable lesson tonight, haven't you?
Don't gamble. You never know when the
cards have been stacked.
I said, of course they'd never heard of him, he
don't live in the King's Avenue,
he lives on the
Nyerere Estate!
You told her where I lived?
Well, bang goes another dream.
Not necessarily so, bruv.
"It ain't necessarily so."
She phoned up,
left her phone number
and said that she'd be there 'til midnight
so you could phone her back.
You're kidding?
She said she wants to hear
from you tonight
because she's going out tomorrow to
buy a couple of tickets for some pop concert.
I bet it's Wet Wet Wet!
Yeah, I bet! Ah cheers, Del.
Where's her number?
In my Filofax.
Git!
Subtitles by
NVL
ready, you carry on poncing about with that computer.
I am not 'poncing about' with
anything!
In case it's slipped that senile,
shrapnel-cluttered brain of yours,
I happen to be studying for a
computer diploma course.
Oh I ain't forgotten, son.
I remember you enrolling on a
three-month course - two years ago!
It happens to be an extremely
difficult exam!
Well, you should know. You've
failed it often enough.
I have not failed - well, not
in the popular sense of the word.
The other students have
an advantage over me.
Yeah, they all pass.
I mean, they are sent to the
evening college by their companies.
All day long they are working with computers,
knocking out data and programs, ain't they?
Whereas all day long I am working with
a suitcase,
knocking out disposable lighters and
Turkish raincoats!
But even if you get your diploma, what difference
will that make to Trotters Independent Traders?
I am not doing it for Trotters
Independent Traders! I'm doing it for me!
This diploma could be my passport to freedom,
a decent job, a future!
I mean, I can't go on for the rest of
my life messing about with this sort of junk, can I?
D'you know
what he wants me to do?
He wants me to stand in a market flogging
raincoats with 'dry clean only' on the label!
Puts the punters right off!
Well, the way Del Boy was telling the other day,
the futures' never looked promising.
Oh, Albert. That's all talk innit?
Haven't you seen the changes in him?
He's gone all high-powered and trendy
ain't he?
He saw that film Wall Street about
six bloody times!
There's a character
in that, right, called Gordon Gekko.
Now he's a real tough, high-flying whiz
-kid right, and Del wants to be just like him.
He doesn't seem to realize that Gordon
Gekko had brains.
Del thinks all you need's a Filofax and a pair of
red braces and you're a chairman of the board!
Still, I will say one thing for him: he's been very
encouraging with this evening college course.
Yeah, how?
Well, he gives me a
lift there every week!
That's the way, Rodney. Don't bother about
stocking up the van for the morning.
You just carry on poncing about with
that computer.
Derek, it is my college evening
and I am trying to finish my homework!
That's very good, Rodney.
You'll get a star for that!
I dunno why you bother, honestly.
You've always been the same, even
when you was at school,
nothing but books, learning, education.
That's why you're no good at snooker.
Fancy a bit of grub, Del?
No thanks, Albert. Food is for wimps, and I've got me
correspondence to catch up with.
It's tough at the top, eh
Del?
We'll get to the top, one day.
This time next year we will be millionaires!
See, we are moving already.
This is from the council.
They've received my application to buy this flat
and they're giving it consideration.
This flat? Why?
Well, we've been living in it since 1962.
You were born in it. He was banned from it.
I mean, we're all living in it,
you know the whole family.
There's Mum and Grandad and,
you know, everyone.
This place holds many warm
memories for me.
But why do you wanna buy it?
- So we can sell it!
- Sell it? What for?
A bloody good profit, with
any luck!
Exactly. You see, Rodney,
Peckham here is becoming a trendy area.
I mean, it's full of wine bars and bistros,
you know. Property prices are booming.
So if we can flog this place to some
chinless wonder for some vastly inordinate sum
well, that means that we can get a nice
little drum out in the suburbs.
Del, council properties were built so the
poorer classes would have somewhere to live!
If they start selling them to
hooray Henrys where they are they gonna go?
- Esher, Orpington - somewhere like that.
- But they can't afford to buy houses!
They can when they've sold
their flats!
Yeah, yeah, 'course they can.
It's money for old rope.
Lovely Jubbly!
It is immoral!
Oh shut up, you tart!
Alright, think of it from our
business point of view, eh?
I mean this flat is in a
wonderful position.
It's 15 minutes from the West End,
it's 15 minutes from the motorway.
And 15 minutes from the ground.
You're right, Rodney.
I ever thought of that!
That's a very good selling point.
I'm gonna make a note of that.
That could put a few grand on, Albert.
Yeah, don't worry.
We'll make a nice little bit
of bunce out of this old drum.
You have got no right to sell
this flat over my head!
Do you mind? Listen. I've been living here for 27 years,
that gives me the right to decide its future!
And I was born here! That
gives me more right than anybody.
You might have been born here,
but Del's the one who pays the rent arrears.
Yeah, that's right, and you just take
how much I've paid in rent over the years.
I must have bought this place
at least four or five times over
and yet not one breeze block belongs to me - to us.
But all that is gonna change!
You're just a snob, that's
all you are!
I am not a snob, Rodney;
I am a realist.
I've grafted for years to try and get us a
nice little place out there at the open air
and look at us - we're still here in this
council-built Lego set!
I used to watch you when you was a kid, you know,
breathing in all the fumes from the motorway ?
you must have more lead inside you
than a butcher's pencil,
and I used to think,
what is it doing to his little brain?
Too late now, son.
Yeah, you see, that's right!
I'm a fully gro...
What d'you mean, it's too late now?
I mean you're a full-grown
man!
Oh... Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
Anyway, you've only been paying the rent
here since Mum died!
Oh leave it out, Rodney.
I've been paying the rent here
ever since I was old enough to 'op the wag!
I was the only one in this family
who earned any money!
I mean, you just take it that it was mom,
bless her, you know...
She tried but her health let her down.
And there was Dad, he would have loved a job,
except he suffered from his sticky mattress
and there was dear old Grandad,
bless him.
He was about as useful as a pair of
sunglasses on a bloke with one ear!
All the things we've ever got out of life has come
through my intelligence and my foresight.
Well, I'm glad somebody's
owned up!
I don't know what you're moaning about.
Life's been a walk over for you.
You never had to graft for it when you
was a kid. I saw to it that you didn't have to!
But I was 11 years old, Rodney,
Dad got me two - count 'em - two
paper rounds.
That was me, come rain, sleet or shine,
there was Del Boy every morning...
35 Daily Sketches, 40 Heralds and a
Spick 'n' Span for the weirdo in Marley Road!
And when Id' delivered them I went to
another shop and started me second round!
Dad always said
he'd get me a bike!
- I used to work when I was a kid as well!
- When?
When I was 11! When they were
introducing North Sea gas to the area
and you'd got hold of that consignment of
do-it-yourself gas conversion kits.
You remember, that Sunday you sent me down the
Mountbatten Estate with a barrow-load of 'em.
All day long I was down
there knocking on doors.
I missed me Sunday dinner and
everything.
And not one of the gits down there
had the decency to tell me
that the Mountbatten Estate
was all-electric!
I remember you
coming back and telling me about that.
They just kept laughing at me! I thought it was that
stupid flower-power shirt you used to make me wear.
That was a beautiful shirt,
that, Rodney!
That was 'orrible! It was pink
with little red poppies all over it.
That was
very fashionable, once.
But Derek, at the time
I happened to be covered in chickenpox!
From a distance it looked
like I was stripped to the waist!
To this day I will never know what possessed
you to send me to that estate.
I mean, you had mates living there,
you must have known it was all-electric?
Alright, I don't know. It was a long time ago
I've forgotten about...
Alright, so you grafted as well.
He fought and died for his country... many times!
Which gives us the right to
make a bit of profit out of this flat.
I wanna stay in this flat!
You can buy it off Del then!
That's the trouble with you, Rodney,
you don't move with the times.
The world is changing out there;
it's a financial jungle.
It's a question of he who dares,
wins, he who hesitates...don't!
It's called the survival of
the fittest.
No, Unc, it's called pull the
ladder up, Jack, and sod the rest!
There are times when you have
to look after yourself, Rodney!
I remember once when I was in
the South Pacific.
Don't you dare give me
another nautical nightmare!
I've already been through the
Adriatic with him once this afternoon.
It's like the
adventures of a Dover sole!
Alright, Rodney. Look, we
won't move far away.
There are lots of nice places
around this area.
We'll buy a house that
befits people like us.
- What do you mean, people like us?
- Well, yuppies.
I am not a yuppy!
No. But given time and a bit
of help from me...
Is it supposed to do that?
What you stopping for?
Cop a load of this, bruv.
I mean, this is what you call living.
You know, I bet this gaff, I bet it's got a
guest suite, swimming pool, a jacuzzi!
What have we got? A put-you-up,
a damp patch and a jakarsey!
What do you reckon this sort
of place goes for then?
Oh, I dunno, three-quarters
of a million, maybe more.
We'll be in one of those one
day, bruv.
Oh yeah! What you got lined
up, a decorating job?
No, listen to me. We just need
an half-decent break and we'll be millionaires!
Del, I wouldn?t live in this road
if you paid me! It's poncy. It's... it's immoral!
Immoral? What you going on
about, you dipstick?
You've got something like 18 acres of land here
with about 12 families living on it.
These sort of people need a
bit of space round 'em, don't they?
I mean, down here you've got stockbrokers,
private doctors... Porsches!
This is the creme de la
menthe of our community!
You could house thousands of
people on this land!
What, more tower blocks?
If it was left up to you, the only
growth industry would be lift-repairing!
Every time you go to these evening classes
you end up talking like Ken Livingstone or Arthur Scargill.
Watch it or you'll end up
with a funny hair cut.
Are you gonna drive me to
the adult education centre
or are we gonna stand here all night
admiring the privets?
Are you sure the door's closed,
Rodney?
Look, Rodney. I wanna be
successful, but not for the money.
I want the power and
the influence that success brings.
And what will you do with
all this power and influence?
Spend it!
Go on, hurry up Rodney.
They'll be calling the register in a minute!
Mind the road! Remember what
the Green Cross Code Man said?
You are getting on my bloody nerves!
Just remember, if the big boys gang up
on you again at playtime, you tell the teacher!
Why don't you pi...
And don't lose
your dinner money!
Now that's a bit of me!
- It's good to unwind, innit?
- Sorry?
After a hard day in
the City, it's good to unwind.
I imagine it must be very
tiring.
Tiring? Tired, yeah, I'm
cream crackered and that's no lie!
Well, I've been up since six this morning
trying to talk to a bloke in New York.
Why didn't you use a telephone?
No, I've got a telephone an' all
that.
No, I mean, it's just a long and stressful day
wheeling and dealing in the old commodities market.
It ain't all champagne and
skittles.
Oh no - buying, selling, making billion-pound decisions.
It's a git of a journey home an' all!
What exactly do you buy and
sell in the commodities market?
Oh, you know, this and that,
whatever's going, you know.
Iron, ore, sugar beet.
I made a killing today on olive oil.
Gawd knows what
Popeye'll say when he gets home!
Can I get you anything?
Yes please, John. A bottle of
Beaujolais Nouveau.
- Yes, sir.
- A '79.
Oh, Popeye? You got it, have yer?
Good 'un, innit?
Oh bloody hell! How am I
s'posed to do all this?
Hello!
Sorry to interrupt you.
Oh what? No, it's alright,
just some computer data I've to put into a program.
It looks very complicated.
Well, yeah, it does look difficult,
but it's no problem... My name's Rodney.
Cassandra.
Oh Cassandra. That's a lovely
name.
Thank you. Um, I just wanted
to say...
I'm glad we've bumped into each other 'cos
I was trying to find a way of saying hello to you
and I think it's really you know, sort of
liberated for you to make the first move.
Move? No, you don't understand.
You've taken my coat!
Oh, I am so sorry.
It's OK. They're very similar;
it's an easy mistake to make. This one's yours.
Well, how'd you know it's
mine?
It's got your name
written in it.
Look, I didn't write this.
It's, it's most probably my brother you know -
his idea of a joke!
Well, whatever. We've sorted
it out now.
- Well, nice meeting you.
- And you.
Cassandra! I was wondering
whether you had time for a quick drink?
Oh I'm sorry. I'm going out
with a friend tonight.
Oh well, never mind! Um,
can I walk you to your car?
- Oh thank you.
- Pleasure.
Here we are!
I thought it was...
Thank you for getting me here
safely.
Oh think nothing of it. Nice
car.
It's my father's.
- D'you live round here?
- Blackheath. How about you?
Peckham.
Where are you parked?
Me? Oh, I lent my car to my
brother.
Well I wish I hadn't now, after he wrote
my coat, the little rascal!
Oh, I'll get a bus down the
terminus.
I'm going past the terminus -
if you'd like a lift?
Oh thank you.
I think someone's calling
you.
Really?
Hey, over here! I hung about for you.
I'll give you a lift home.
Oh yeah. That's - someone I know.
Well, thanks for the offer anyway.
- OK. Bye.
- Yeah, bye.
Who's the tart?
What... what is the matter with you?
Has he given you lines or something?
Why did you write my name
inside that raincoat?
Mum said to me on her deathbed...
Look, why did you write it,
you git?
Alright, alright. She said to
me,
"Make sure you always write Rodney's
name in his clothes' that way no one'll nick 'em."
And I was just keeping my promise.
I was so embarrassed.
Yeah, but no one nicked yer
coat, did they, eh?
Oh come on, come on, it was just a
joke, you touchy sod.
Come on, have a drink. I've got
some wine and some of that funny water.
Right, I never thought I'd like a Spitzer
but I've got right into it now.
Why don't you try that?
Good stuff.
What are you still doing
here?
Ah well, when I dropped you, I followed
these two yuppy sorts, you know.
Told 'em a few jokes, flashed me
Filofax. knocked 'em bandy!
So where are they?
They went to the ladies a couple of hours ago
and they ain't come back yet.
Still, never mind, never mind eh?
There's plenty more in the sea,
plenty more where they came from ain't there, eh?
That's an idea, why don't we pull ourselves
a couple of sorts and go on to a club?
Nah, not me, Del.
Oh come on. You're not going
home already, are ya?
No. Not with Albert there.
The last thing I need right now is
another battle of the Baltic!
Look, stick them in the van for me, would ya?
I'll see you later Del.
Yeah, yeah, alright, bruv.
Yeah, I will, yeah.
- Excuse me, are you eating?
- No, I'm nibbling it.
Our bistro's just open
and I wondered if you'd like a table for dinner?
Oh dinner, no thanks John.
Dinner is for wimps.
You know what I mean?
- And tonight's lucky winner is...
- That chick sitting at the corner
You got no chance with her Jevon.
I've seen 5 blokes asking her for a dance...
- and she gave 'em all a blank.
Five ordinary mortals. She
hasn't met me yet.
Just listen to it!
Well, you carry on, Jevon.
Me and Mickey'll prepare the alter.
I'll wave to you as I leave.
Don't forget, will yer?
That Jevon, he does the
business, though, don't he, Rodney eh?
Still, I taught
him everything he knows.
Oh turn it up, Mickey. Last time you went out with
a bird you took her to a Bay City Rollers concert.
What's the matter with you anyway?
You got a boil or a pimple or something?
Yeah sort of - it's called
Del Boy.
Oh yeah. Yeah, he's getting
a bit noncy, ain't he lately?
I seen him walking down the high street the
other day with his Filofax held up in front of him.
You know, a lot of people
thought it was a protest march.
Yeah, well, he only uses it
for business, don't he?
And what about that green coat of his, eh?
He's looks a right poultice, don't it?
Well, personally I think he
looks very smart.
Oh leave it out, Rodney.
He looks like the Incredible Hulk's little boy!
Oh I'll tell him next time I see him. I'm sure he'll
find a way of showing his gratitude.
You don't have to tell him, do you?
It's only a joke, innit?
I don't believe it. It looks
like Jevon has fallen on stony ground!
She's a lesbian!
She probably likes the direct approach
instead of all that old fanny you give 'em!
Watch
the master and learn!
The thing is, I never know
whether to believe him.
He always struck me as a
pretty straight forward type.
You don't know him like I do!
- Do you wanna dance?
- No!
Right!
Definitely a lesbian!
Oh don't be stupid they're all busy down
the town hall! She'd dance with me!
That's what we like about you Rodney,
we're always guaranteed a laugh!
Look, I'm a first dan of lateral chatting
and this is God's foster son!
So what chance has a woll like you
got?
I bet she'll dance with me!
You bet, do ya? Right, a
tenner says she don't!
I'll have some of that!
That's a score. Cover the bet Rodney.
Alright, I will!
Before you ask her to dance,
why don't you see if she'll lend you a fiver?
One score!
You don't come to a disco
expecting to make a profit, do ya?
That's very true Michael.
I'll see you two later.
He said he had a holiday home
near Marbella.
It turned out to be a caravan
on the Isle of Sheppey!
Well didn't you say something?
Yes, but he said distance was
relative.
Well I suppose he's got a
point.
I mean compared to somewhere like Melbourne
the Isle of Sheppy is near Marbella!
Hello - again!
Oh Trig! Trigger! Trig, over here!
- Del Boy.
- Hiya.
What you doing here?
I'm always here.
I'm a regular here now.
John, get my mate a pint of
lager.
I'm afraid we don't serve
beers, sir.
Oh. I remember now, yeah.
There was no call for it so they knocked it
on the head. D'you fancy a Spitzer?
Er... yeah, I'll give it a try.
Yeah, anyway, what you doing down here, Trig?
I thought you'd be in the old Nag's Head.
Yeah, I was, but Mike's just
barred me.
Barred you. What for?
He accused me of stealing one
of his pork pies.
What do I want his rotten pork pies for?
I don't even like pork pies!
Oh, he's right out of order,
that bloke.
Oh I'm thinking of suing him
for def... defn...
- Slander.
- Yeah.
I wouldn't worry about it,
Trig, he's done you a favour actually.
I mean, look around you.
This place is full of yuppy sorts.
Yeah, we can't go wrong here.
All we gotta do is learn
to learn their language.
Why, they foreign then?
No, they're yuppies! They don't speak
proper English like what we do.
I mean, I've bin earholing 'em.
It's all 'Ya', 'Soope' and 'Fab'.
And they love to talk about
money. It's their favourite subject.
I mean, you chat about money
and you can't fail to impress them.
- Yeah?
- God's honest.
I saw one of them old five
pound notes the other day.
I don't mean
talk about your bloody coin collection, do I?
I mean, you just gotta talk
about your wealth.
But I ain't got none of that!
Neither have half of these. They're all living
in sin with their flexible friends.
You just gotta chat about it,
you just gotta talk, that's all.
Look, I'll show you how
it's done.
Watch me, watch this.
It's all go when you're in a
high-profile business, innit girls eh?
Really?
Yes, 'cos I'm in stock and
shares meself, yeah.
I bought a few thousand shares in a
little department store this afternoon.
Now I've gotta phone me lawyer and me
accountant. Gives you the 'ump, don't it?
Excuse me, sorry,
how do you spell 'Arrods?
Capital 'A'!
Oh, I see!
Beam me up, Snotty!
It's all you need, innit eh?
Have this. I don't want it.
See you later, Mickey.
Rodney, Rodney, hang on.
What's happening, then eh?
What's she all about?
Her name is Cassandra, she lives in
Blackheath and she is giving me a lift home!
She's got a car?
No she's giving me a crossbar!
Of course she's got a car!
We're dropping her friend off first, she lives
next door to Cassandra.
You're going to Blackheath?
You can give me a lift home, then eh?
No!
Oh go on. I'm goin' a club
over Blackheath.
Just drop us off somewhere
and I'll walk the rest of the way.
No, 'cos, um, well, she's
only got a two-seater!
If she hasa two-seater, how come she's taking
you and her mate?
No, look, Mickey.
Jevon, we're off.
You'd better not nause this
up for me, Mickey.
Don't worry. I'll be on my double
best behaviour - the perfect gentleman.
You'd better be!
- Promise! What's her friend's name?
- Emma.
She do a turn?
Sorry, don't get the 'ump!
You see, nowadays these modern Eurobirds,
they go for the mature men who'd made it in life.
Yeah? Is that why we're
having no luck?
I haven't started yet! I'm just
building myself up to it.
Well, you'd better hurry up.
It'll be closing time soon.
Alright, alright.
I think we're on a winner here, Trig,
alright?
Play it nice and cool, son, nice and
cool. You know what I mean?
Drink up Trig.
Drink up. We're leaving.
Ain't you gonna try for them
birds?
No, no, you're cramping
my style, mate.
Me and Rodney live ear each other.
Do you know the Nyerere Estate, Peckham?
No, I can't say I've ever
hear of it, no.
Well, it's a rather lively place,
specially when the militants hold a Mardi Gras!
You two live in
Blackheath?
Yes.
Hear, you heard of a drinker round there
called the 'Down by the Riverside Club'?
No, I can't say I've ever
heard of that either. Where is it?
Well, ooh, it's down by the
riverside, innit?
I've heard of it. It's got a terrible reputation,
full of unsavoury characters.
I'm a member!
Beg your pardon.
That's alright, darling, I didn't even hear it!
Didn't even hear it!
Oh please, God!
Alright, fair enough.
You get a few unsavoury characters
get in there, but we enjoy ourselves.
So do lynch-mobs!
Ooh, bitchy! Just for that
I'm not gonna let you give me a kiss good night.
Oh, God!
Here we are.
- Night, Rodney.
- Good night, Emma.
Here, Rodney, clock the
houses!
Yeah, nice eh?
Nice? You gotta be talking
300k!
Gonna be a bit of a culture shock
for Cassandra
when she drops you off
at Nelson Mandela House, innit?
Anyway, I'd better walk it
from here eh? I'll see you, Rodney.
Night, Cassandra. Good night
Emma... love you!
Look, I'm sorry about Mickey.
Don't be silly. We all have friends who are ?
over the top, shall we say?
Yeah. He's probably still
upset about losing his money.
How'd he do that?
Well you remember when I asked you to dance?
Well, I did it for a bet.
Well, no, I didn't mean it
like that!
Mickey said I wouldn't have the guts
to ask you. But well, I did.
I get the feeling that hidden in that statement
somewhere there's a compliment.
Yeah, a big compliment.
Alright, then, I suppose we'd better be getting
you back to - what was it called?
The Nyerere Estate?
I don't live in the Nyerere
Estate!
But I thought Mickey said...
Mickey lives on the Nyerere Estate.
I live near it. Past it.
Quite a long way past it. I'll show you.
What a lovely road you live in.
Yes, it's quite nice.
Ah, here we are.
You lucky thing, what a great
house.
Oh well, I don't notice it really, you know.
It?s just a place to lay my head.
Ah, good, my brother got the car home safely.
Well, thanks for the lift, Cassandra.
Pleasure.
I'll give you my number. Give me a
ring. If you like.
- Thanks. Well, good night.
- Night.
Good night, Rodney!
Yes, of course.
Please drive away!
Oh my God!
Hi, I'm home.
Please, Cassandra, go!
Cosmic.
Cos bloody-mic.
What'd you wanna do
that for, you soppy old duffer?
Bloody 'ell, I don't realise
me own strength!
It has nothing to do with
your strength.
I was having a few drinks earlier this evening
in a very trendy wine bar
with some of my yuppy friends when I
happened to fall arse over head!
You're gonna do yourself a
lot of damage if you ain't careful.
I've already done meself a
lot of damage!
I mean, you're not eating -
eating's for wimps!
And you're drinking so much
you're falling down in boozers!
I wasn't drinking, in fact I was on some very trendy
funny-tasting... oh forget it!
I'm getting rid of that
rubbish in the kitchen.
Do you want me to chuck
anything else down the chute?
Not unless you're feeling in
a kamikaze mood!
Look, why don't you let me
do you some grub eh?
Yeah, alright Uncle. I am feeling a bit hungry.
Do me a health-conscious fry-up will ya?
I don't care what they say,
you can't whack The Who.
- Alright?
- What?
- I said, alright?
- Triffic!
What's it like out?
There's a few spots of rain
in the air!
Yeah? It might help us shift
some of those raincoats.
Blimey, that one shrunk.
Come on, let's have it here.
Did you have a good night?
Not too bad.
I stayed on at the wine bar.
It's very nice, my sort of place.
Then I went on for a drink - down
by the riverside!
I met that Mickey Pearce, he came in
right at the last knockings, and he told me
that you'd met this posh tart
and she'd given you a lift home in her flash car.
Yeah, that's right.
What's she got, a convertible?
No! I asked her to drop me
off half way. I fancied a walk.
What, in this weather?
Lots of people enjoy walking
in the rain.
Yes I know, but they're
usually recaptured very quickly.
Del, this bottle's empty.
That's alright, no problem.
Chuck it in the rubbish...
It's alright, Rodney,
you can't hide the truth from me.
I know what happened tonight.
I can read you like a book.
You know nothing, Del,
so keep it out.
I've got 20 notes here -
look, there they are ?
that says I can guess what happened tonight.
G'on then, you cover that.
Alright, go'n then, know-all,
tell me!
Alright. That Mickey Pearce said that this Cassandra
sort lived in a right nice drum.
Yeah, so?
So this is what I think
happened.
You saw her house and the snob in you
came racing to the surface and you thought:
"Ooh, how can I take her back to
Nelson Mandela House?"
So on your way home, you've made her
drive up some right posh road
- somewhere like The King's Avenue -
and then you stopped at some right nice little mansion
and you pretended that's where you lived!
You don't half talk a load of
rubbish!
- Is that the truth?
- Yes!
Thank you very much indeed.
That's it, Rodney, you see, you're like an open book,
my son - and it's thicker than my Filofax!
"Double yout money
try to get rich."
I'll file your bloody fax.
Still raining?
No, I took a short cut through
a car wash!
Alright, boy, don't have a go
at me, I only asked!
I'll chuck this stuff down the
chute.
Here y'are, dry yourself off.
And don't be ashamed
of where you live, Rodney.
Look, I want better than this
but I'm not ashamed of it.
Oh but Del, you should have
seen her road.
There weren't one window boarded up,
all the lamp posts worked.
I meant what would she have
thought if she'd have come back here eh?
Well, just keep driving straight past
the burnt-out panda car, Cassandra,
and I live just
before the next barricade.
I know how you feel, Rodney.
I've been through the same emotions meself.
You?
Yes, me. Well it was about 15, 16 years ago.
I met this bird. She was from Texas.
What, the do-it-yourself place?
No, no. Texas in America.
Her old man was an oil-baron or something.
She had one of these long double-barreled
funny names like Elly-May or something like that.
How would you meet an oil
baron's daughter?
I was working in the Tower
of London.
I was doing the old Happy Snaps,
you know?
Second-hand Brownie, no film, pound a go
- Lovely Jubbly!
She asked me to take a picture of her
and a Beefeater at one of these crow things, right?
So, anyway, I started to chat her up and I offered to
show her round London.
So, anyway, after a little while
we fell deeply in love with each other...
God, what was her name? Anyway, it
doesn't matter, anyway.
You know what she said to me one day?
Where's my picture?
No, she didn't say that!
She paid me a very great compliment.
She said when she met me it reminded her
of the day that President Kennedy died.
And that's one of the nicest
compliments you've ever had?
Don't you see what she meant?
No.
Well, I like to think that she meant
that everyone remembers
where they were the day
they met Del Trotter.
She might not have meant that!
Well what else could she have
meant?
Well I don't know. Perhaps
she meant you looked, yeah,
you looked like Lee Harvey
Oswald!
I don't look like Lee Harvey bleed 'n' Oswald.
Cor, who's Lee Harvey Oswald?
He's the bloke what shot
Kennedy. You look a bit like him, Del.
No, I don't.
No, of course you don't.
You look nothing like him. I'll get your grub.
So, anyway, what's you and Peggy-Sue
gotta do with me and Cassandra?
'Cos she wanted to see where I lived and I had
the same struggle with my conscience as you've had.
I was frightened if I brought her back
here she might think less of me.
- So you didn't?
- No, I did.
When?
Well, it was one Sunday,
years ago now.
Well, where was I?
You was down the Mountbatten
Estate selling them gas conversion kits.
You bastard! You sent me all the way down
there knowing I had chickenpox.
just so you and Annie bloody Oakley
could have the flat to yourselves!
It wasn't like that, Rodney, wasn't like that. I was
trying to present you with a challenge.
What, selling gas conversion kits on an all-electric
estate? That's a challenge and a half!
No, it's alright, listen,
I'll tell you the truth.
Alright, so I wanted to get
rid of you for a couple of hours.
I mean, I was serious about her and wanted to make
a good impression.
I just thought, well, bringing her back to
this tower block's bad enough but, I mean,
if she saw you in that dopey shirt
and all them Randolph Scotts all over your face,
that'd be good night Vienna,
wouldn't it?
So she come back here?
Yeah. I gave her a pot of tea and a
Lyons Victoria sponge. It was very nice.
And did she, you know, think
anything less of you?
I dunno - I never saw her again.
I mean she went home,
you know, her holiday was finished.
Did she write to you?
Cor blimey, look at it, it's
bucketing down out there, innit?
Here are, Del Boy.
Oi, some little bird phoned
for you about 15 minutes ago.
I think she'd been on drugs.
She said you'd left your coat in the back of her car and
she'd taken it back to your house in the King's Avenue.
The people there had never
heard of you.
You conning git!
Give me that money back!
Stop it. Calm down. You've learnt a very
valuable lesson tonight, haven't you?
Don't gamble. You never know when the
cards have been stacked.
I said, of course they'd never heard of him, he
don't live in the King's Avenue,
he lives on the
Nyerere Estate!
You told her where I lived?
Well, bang goes another dream.
Not necessarily so, bruv.
"It ain't necessarily so."
She phoned up,
left her phone number
and said that she'd be there 'til midnight
so you could phone her back.
You're kidding?
She said she wants to hear
from you tonight
because she's going out tomorrow to
buy a couple of tickets for some pop concert.
I bet it's Wet Wet Wet!
Yeah, I bet! Ah cheers, Del.
Where's her number?
In my Filofax.
Git!
Subtitles by
NVL