Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 4, Episode 1 - Happy Returns - full transcript
Derek stops a young boy, Jason, from running into the road, and strikes up a friendship with the lad. It's not long before Del discovers that Jason's mother, June, is an old flame who he last saw around nineteen years ago. While D...
- Hello Debbie.
- Hello Rodney.
'Hello Debbie.' 'Hello Rodney!'
Shut up will yer!
- Hello darling.
- Been up to the hospital, love?
Yeah, we just come back from
there now.
How is he?
Moaning! The doctors 'ave been
trying to take his hat off,
but he wouldn't have none of it!
They gave him an X-ray yesterday,
and they found out
he got a pulled ligament in the
wallet, and severe fraying of the trilby!
- Give him my love.
- Ooh, he ain't up to nothing like that!
- This is awkward!
- What is?
Well, I wanted to buy one of
my adult art magazines.
What's the problem?
Debbie's serving!
We've been seeing each other, sort of
thing! She might think I'm odd!
- She's gonna find out sometime Rodney.
- Get it for us would you Del?
- Alright, alright, Rodney!
- Cheers Del, you're a pal!
Here you are, darling, look Exchange and Mart,
oh, give me one of yer dirty magazines
darling will you.
Yeah, which one d'you want?
Which one d'you want Rodney?
Just the Exchange and Mart.
'What one d'you want Rodney?'
I don't believe you sometimes!
I wish I'd had my Polaroid
with me! You should've seen your face!
You've embarrassed me!
I've embarrassed you!
Oh, it's alright for some bird to think
I'm a pervo though is it?
You ain't taking her out, are you?
- Don't know, I ain't made me mind up yet!
- Oh, listen to him, will you!
- Hey, what's your game, eh?
- My Mum said she's gonna kill me!
Well she won't need to will
she?
You'll kill yourself
running across the road like that.
No, haven't you ever heard of
the Green Cross Code?
But I'm gonna get killed in a
minute!
- No you're not. She's not gonna kill you!
- She said she was!
Yeah, I know, but mums say lots
of things they don't mean, don't they, eh?
Here, tell you what. Here you are,
go and get yourself an ice-cream
at the Paki's on the corner.
Oh thanks mister...what about
my brother?
- Ah, who's he?
- That's your brother is it?
You'd better get him one an'
all hadn't yer?
Ta mister.
Oi just a minute, why was your
Mum telling you off?
I let down the tyres on that motor.
I'll kill you!
Oh bloody hell Del, look at that.
Little scallywags round here ain't they!
Well it's nothing to laugh at
Del, I mean, look at it!
Oh no, they're only kids
though ain't they?
I used to do the same sort of thing when
I was a nipper.
I remember me and Albie Littlewood we let a
couple of tyres down once.
Should have seen the palaver
it caused. Everyone had to get off the bus!
They were the days! Still, I'll go round the
garage and get the foot pump for you.
Yeah right. Oi, hold on what
d'you mean you'll get me the foot pump?
You ain't 'alf getting independent ain't yer?
Alright, go and get your on foot pump.
That's more like it.
- Alright Champ? What you doing?
- I'm running away from home.
Running away from home are you?
Ain't got very far have you?
My Mum said I mustn't cross the
road!
That makes it difficult then
dunnit? Where's yer brother?
His Dad says he has to go in.
I see. Well I reckon that's the
best place for you to go an' all, don't you?
She'll kill me!
No she won't, listen, they were
my tyres that you let down weren't they?
So I'll come home with you and I'll tell your Mum
that I asked you to let my tyres down
'cos I wanted to see how long it would take my
brother to pump 'em back up again! How's that?
Alright then.
There, good boy, see, you know
it makes sense! Come on then.
You'd better get in 'cos the
bogey man will be coming soon.
- I've seen the bogey man!
- Have you? What's he look like?
He's got a funny hat and wears
pyjamas under his mac!
That's not the bogey man,
that's my Grandad!
Right, come on then. Is this
it? This is your house?
Is it? Right, now don't you worry.
She'll be as sweet as a
nut, I'll guarantee. Just stay there.
Where have you been? I was just
about to call the police.
Look at the state of you. Go and put
your pyjamas on. I'll see you in a minute.
Does that go for me an' all?
- You what? Del? Cor, I don't believe it!
- Junie, how you doing?
- I'm fine!
- Oh great.
You don't still live on the
estate, do you?
Well yeah, over the way there,
you know Nelson Mandela House.
Here when d'you move in here?
Six weeks ago, there don't stand out there, people'll
think you're the tallyman. Come in.
Right. 'Ere hang about. What
about the old man?
Erh, he's gone away for a bit.
Oh gone away for a bit. Anyone
we know?
He's soundo already. Didn't
even want a bedtime story tonight.
He's a little scallywag ain't he?
Ooh, he's a right handful!
D'you know what he did today?
He only let the tyres down on
some crappy three-wheeled van over there!
- Yeah?
- I think he misses his Dad!
Yeah, I used to miss my Dad -
till I learnt to punch straight!
When's the old man
get out?
Oh, he's not in prison Del!
No, he works on an oil-rig.
Oh I see! When are you
expecting him back then?
About six months if he keeps
his nose clean.
I'd have popped over and seen you, but I didn't think for
one minute you'd still be living here!
D'you remember what you used to say to me all
those years ago?
I can remember quite a lot of
funny things I used to say to you!!!
I don't mean 'that'! You used to say,
'This time next year I'll be a millionaire!'
Did I? What a wally!
Well, we were much younger then weren't
we, I mean, anything seemed possible in them days.
'Ere, 'ere, how long ago was it that, you know, you and I,
well, we stopped seeing each other?
- Must be...19 years now!
- 19 - 19 years!
It's longer than that in fact.
We broke up in September 1965.
Just after Albie Littlewood's funeral.
That's right! Yeah, that's right, cor, we were a right
little team up till then, weren't we?
What, the famous four! You and
me, Albie and...what was his girlfriend's name?
- Deirdre.
- That's it, Deirdre
.
Do you know I often
wondered what would have happened
if he hadn't been coming over to see me that
night.
You know, if he hadn't taken the short cut across the
railway lines,
if his bike hadn't accidentally
fallen on the live rail.
I mean what's the point of
talking about ifs!
If me brother had been a bird he
would have been me sister, wouldn't he, eh?
Oh you had a kid brother!
Rodney. How is he?
Oh, he's alright. He's just
reached that awkward age.
You know he's a bit like a triffle!
- What d'you mean, mixed up?
- No, no, he's thick and fruity!
Oh and what about your Grandad?
Oh Grandad, well, he's not too
fit at the moment,
he's laid up in Dock but I sometimes
think you know given half a chance
he could be thick and
fruity an' all.
I take it you never got
married!
Me, no, no, no, I just get
engaged!
'Ere, talking about
that...you still got my engagement ring?
Yeah, you don't want it back
do you?
No, no, no, I - you know I was
just wondering that was all!
No, I was just wondering like,
'cos you know,
I - I could always whip over home and get
my Sheena Easton LP, if you like!
Not much point, I haven't got
a record player!
Oh, I'll have to keep my eye
open for one! For you, won't I, eh?
Don't worry, you leave it
to me, alright?
Oh Del. Oh! 'Ere Del, help
yourself to a drink.
Yeah, thanks Junie.
Oh come in love.
It's alright. It's a friend of
my daughter's.
Debs, it's for you! She's got that bloody
radio on again, she'll wake Jason!
- You little plonker!
- What are you doing here?
What am I doing...What are you
doing here?
Well, this is where Debbie lives, ain't it?
That bird from the paper...
'Ere - 'ere
you're not trying to...
No I am not! Leave it out, I'm
a friend of her Mum's!
- Yeah, when d'you meet her then?
- 1964
What and you've only just come
round to see her?
No, I was engaged to her, soppy!
What, another one!
Stone me Del, you've been engaged more
times than a switchboard ain't yer!
Don't you start getting lippy.
I don't know what you brought that round for,
'Cos they ain't got a record player!
That's alright, I ain't got a
record!
You are a saucy little git you
really...
Oi, I've got one of those at
home on the sideboard!
Yeah alright, well I'll get
you another one tomorrow, wont I!
Yeah you better...Junie, June, you'll never
guess who that is? That is little Rodney!
- You're kidding!!
- No, straight up!
I don't believe it! The last time I saw you,
you were about that high! How old was he Del?
Then, about two and 'alf!
Anyway it's very nice to meet
you again Rodney.
And you...
Ma'm.
Leave it out Rodney, you're
making me feel quite Tom and Dick you really are.
- You can call me June.
- Oh thank you.
Debbie won't be a minute, she's
just putting some clothes on.
- Oh she needn't bother!
- What??
No, no, no, I mean, you know,
she needn't bother to put on anything special.
I was thinking actually...er...if you
two wanted to go out and you know
chat about old times and all that, well you know I'm sure
me and Debbie wouldn't mind baby-sitting.
What d'you think Del?
I daren't tell you what I think Junie!
Come on let's go out for a drink! Shall we?
- Hello Rodney.
- Debs!
- You alright darling?
- Oh watcha.
You two met?
Yeah, he came in the paper
shop this morning for a dirty magazine.
'Ere no, actually...listen...
Er, I was just saying you and me
wouldn't mind baby-sitting
if Del and yer Mum went out for a drink!
- Yeah, that suits me.
- I'll get my coat.
Yeah alight, darling.
'Ere I'd do that up if I was you,
you'll get a cold on yer chest!
It's Debbie's house, she can do
what she likes. Do you want a brandy Debs?
- Brandy eh? You're splashing out ain't yer?
- Yeah well of course he's celebrating ain't he?
Celebrating what?
Oh, hasn't he told you?
He's ust heard from the clinic!
He's got an all clear.
- Well, there you go. Old times, eh?
- Old times.
'Ere , Junie, I hope you don't
mind me asking,
but there's always been something that's
been bothering me.
Look, if it's something from
the past let's leave it.
No, no, it's just that I always wondered
why it was that you left so suddenly like that?
Without a letter, a word, or
nothing!
It's personal Del! All over
and done with now, right?
Can we talk about something
happier?
Yeah, of course! What they put
your ol' man in prison for?
- He stole some watches.
- Oh I see! Ain't still got 'em have you?
We're getting a divorce when
he comes out.
The marriage
never worked right from the start.
Oh, I don't know! It seemed to
have lasted quite a while!
Oh no, we've only been married
seven years!
Seven years?? But no Debbie.
She must be...Oh I'm sorry!
He's not Debbie's father.
No, no, sorry I didn?t mean,
you know! I wasn't trying to...
'Ere, it's her birthday next week. We're gonna have
a little party. D'you fancy coming?
Yeah, not half, I'll have some
of that!
'Ere, I'll have to get that record player
for you a bit lively won't I?
Oh yes.
'Ere what do you want? Another
one, or same again.
Oh, I'd love another one. Same
again.
- Here you go Del.
- Cheers Trig.
'Ere you are, Maureen, same again love,
that's a Singapore Sling and half of Strongbow.
Coming up.
What you up to Mickey?
I've just come back from
evening school. I'm learning Aikido.
Really? Go on then, say something.
Say something in Aikido.
No, it's not a language Del.
It's a martial art!
I had a fight
with five blokes last night!
What was it, a pillow fight?
Leave it out you ain't got a
mark on you son!
That's because I wiped 'em out
with Aikido.
Can you smell that? What is
that? Sheep is it? It's cows?
No, no, I know what it is.
It's bullshit!
I'm telling you the truth Del!
Leave it out Mickey. I can
always tell when you're lying.
How?
Yer lips move! 'Ere you are,
love. How much is that?
- Right cheers.
- Cheers. Where's Rodney tonight?
Rodney? He's round at that
young Debbie's place.
Well I don't know what he sees
in her! I mean, she's just a kid ain't she!
She's 19 next week mouthy!
What about your 19th birthday
Mickey?
What about it?
Well, you looking forward to
it are you?
19, 'ere just a minute that
Debbie. That young Debbie, she can't be 19!
She's 19 next Wednesday, Del.
Yeah, tell you what, I've got
an invitation to her 19th birthday party.
- That's impossible!
- What's the matter with you Del?
19 an 'alf years ago, me and
Debbie's Mum...
- Oh my Gawd!
- What are you talking about Del?
What are you talking about?
No, no, no, nothing! No it's
alright, no, forget it. Just no - forget it.
Junie... Junie, I know why you left
so suddently all them years ago!
- Do you?
- Pot pourri...Why didn?t you tell me?
I couldn't. I didn't know how
you'd take the news.
I'm just going to the bog.
Alright Del Boy?
No, I'm not alright Trigger! I
don't know what I'm gonna do!
I just don't know what I'm
gonna do!
Hang on Del Boy, leave it to me!
Come on hurry up, we've got an
emergency out here!
No, no, no, not that Trigger!!
Come here. Listen to me.
D'you remember about 20 years ago, I
was - I was engaged to that bird right.
What June? Yeah, I remember
her! She's back on the estate now.
That's right. Well she's got a
- she's got a 19-year-old kid.
Yeah, Debbie, works in the
paper shop. So what?
So what? Me and June broke up
about 19 an' 'alf years ago right.
That means that she was expecting her at the time!
Which means Debbie is my kid!
But she's a pretty girl!
Of course she is! I mean, look ,
that' a chip off the old block, ain't it, eh?
Didn't June say nothing to you
at the time?
- No, not a dicky bird!
- You sure Del?
Well, I would have remembered
something like that Trigger, wouldn't I?
I mean, you sure she's your kid?
Yeah, she's gotta be, I mean...
she's gotta be!
'Ere, the little cow short-
changed me the other day!
- Well that is it then innit?
- You told the rest of the family?
No, no, I've only just found
out meself!
Gawd knows what Grandad and Rodney are gonna
say when they...Rodney!!
- Put her down Rodney!
- You're back early ain't yer?
Yeah, ain't we just, eh? I'm
going to bed Del!
No listen, June we've gotta talk.
Look, I knew this was how you'd behave, that's why I
didn't tell you! I'll see you around sometime...
- No listen, June.
- Maybe!
Look we've gotta talk...
You've made another lasting
impression I see!
Come on and get up out of
there, come on. Give Debbie some air.
The poor girl can't
breathe.
Yeah, alright! You want another
brandy Deb?
- No she don't!
- I'll make my own decision thank you.
Yes, of course! Of course, it's just that if you have too
much to drink you might make yourself sick!
And you don't
wanna be ill for yer party next week.
It's Debbie's birthday next
week, Rodney.
Yeah, I thought it was mine
tonight!
I'll get you a nice present
shall I - dear?
I'll get you a solid gold watch, eh?
A couple of hundred quid at least, no rubbish!
- Alright!
- What's your game Del?
Just feeling generous that's all.
Come on, Rodney I'll give you a lift home, come on.
Give me - Del, we only live 50
yards across the precinct!
I know that - I know, but when
I came back tonight
there was
a load of muggers hanging about!
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
Well perhaps I'd better go
Debs - I've gotta be up early!
Alright then...
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight...Pleasant dreams.
- Well, goodnight Debs.
- Goodnight.
Come on Rodney!
Now just what is your game
Del?
All that, 'Shall I buy you a nice gold watch shall I,
dear?' And 'Sweet Dreams!'
I was just being friendly,
that's all!
You're trying to pull her
ain't yer?
I am not trying to pull her!
What d'you think I am, some
kind of sicko or something?
Well, you're trying to interfere between
me and Debbie ain't yer?
I am not trying to interfere,
Rodney. Now listen. Rodney, look, I just...
I don't think that you two are...'right' for
each other!
It's got nothing to do with
you!
Me and Debbie think we're right for each other!
As a matter of fact we're thinking
of getting engaged!
You're what? You can't get
engaged to her Rodney.
No, what I mean - what I mean is,
what I mean is you're too young!
I'm 24 Del! By the time you
was my age
you'd been engaged to every bird this side of the
water! No, you're just jealous ain't yer?
You can't stand the
thought that I might end up with a nice little wife.
You're gonna end up with a nice
little stretch if you ain't careful!
Rodney, you mustn't
get engaged to her!
You give me one good reason
why I mustn't??
Because she's my daughter!
That's why!
- Debbie - is - your - daughter?
- Yeah!
No. It's not real! No, it's
not happening to me!
I'll tell you what, I'm in the middle of
a bad trip! I'm gonna wake up in a minute!
I've worked it out on the
calculator Rodney!
Me and June broke up 19 and 'alf years
ago. It's Debbie's 19th birthday next week!
You're the one with the GCE in Maths, you
work it out yourself!
Well maybe she met someone
after you!
No, she was born a couple of
months after!
Well then she was premature!
Premature?? She'd have had to
have been bloody instant, Rodders!
But - she's a pretty girl!
I know that - I can see Mum in
her! Come on...cheer up Rodney.
Cheer up?? Del I've just met the first girl
in my life who really means something to me,
and it turns out to be my
bloody niece!
Alright, Rodney. Come on,
that's why I had to tell you, you see,
'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's...
well, it's incense!
Say you had got married to her - you can see
what sort of confusion that would have led to,
I would have been
your father-in-law!
Bloody hell!
Yer mother-in-law would have been yer aunt,
yer wife would have been yer second cousin -
Gawd knows what that would have made Grandad,
the fairy godmother I should think.
Del, are you absolutely
certain of this?
Yeah, well, certain as I'll
ever be. Just think eh, Rodney,
young Debbie has grown up all these years
'an she never never knew that - I was her Daddy!
Do you think
I ought to tell her?
Eh, no, no, that could come as
a great disap...great shock.
No perhaps you're right!
- Could you do something for me Del?
- Yeah sure.
You go and see June.
You go and see her and you find
out if it's definite -definitely definite!
Yeah, tomorrow - I definitely
promise!
Well I'm going to bed. I bet
I'll have a nightmare!
I bet I'll have a nightmare where my
wife keeps calling me Uncle Rodney, eh?
Alright Del, you've got five
minutes! Say what you have to say and then go!
Is Debbie in?
No, she - she's gone over her
Auntie's.
Look, if you've come here to dig up the past again,
you can forget it!
Come on Junie, there are
things that have got to be discussed!
- What sort of things?
- Look Junie! I know!
So you said last night!
- Well then? Are you gonna tell her or shall I?
- Tell her what?
Oh come on, June. Don't play
the innocent with me.
Tell her - that I am her father!
You're her...
Oh Del! When you said you knew, I thought you
really knew! Debby's not your kid.
Yes she is. No, come on, she
was born six months after we broke up!
Well she's gotta be - I mean, if I'm not her
father, then who is??
Albie Littlewood!
Albie Littlewood? Albie
Littlewood? My bestest friend in all the world?
The greatest pal a bloke could have, and
all the time he was doinking my bird?
That's why I left!
How could he do it to me? We
were blood-brothers!
We were just kids - we were
just playing games.
That night he died on the railway lines -
he wasn't coming to meet you in the pub.
He was coming to
meet me!
For nigh on 20 years I've
carried that guilt around with me,
it's hung round my neck
like some great two-ton medallion!
Well, well, now you're free of it ain't you?
Albie didn't take the short-cut for you.
It's not the only reason why I
was feeling guilty!
'Cos if he had made it across the railway lines
that night he wouldn't have met me in the pub!
I wasn't in the pub! I was round at his bird
Deirdre's place!
You were with Deirdre??
It's alright, June. We were
only playing games, only playing games.
Why you dirty little toe-rag.
- Hello Mum.
- Hello love.
I've brought Mickey back,
we're going to my room to listen to the radio.
Good evening young Michael! Alright?
Watchya Del! I just met Debbie
walking across the estate.
So I thought I'd better make
sure she got home safely.
Yes! So you thought you'd
escort the young lady back to her bedroom.
Yeah, I know Mickey, I know only too well
my son! Goodnight to you all!
Oh Mickey, make sure you don't
take the short cut across the railway line.
Subtitles by NVL
- Hello Rodney.
'Hello Debbie.' 'Hello Rodney!'
Shut up will yer!
- Hello darling.
- Been up to the hospital, love?
Yeah, we just come back from
there now.
How is he?
Moaning! The doctors 'ave been
trying to take his hat off,
but he wouldn't have none of it!
They gave him an X-ray yesterday,
and they found out
he got a pulled ligament in the
wallet, and severe fraying of the trilby!
- Give him my love.
- Ooh, he ain't up to nothing like that!
- This is awkward!
- What is?
Well, I wanted to buy one of
my adult art magazines.
What's the problem?
Debbie's serving!
We've been seeing each other, sort of
thing! She might think I'm odd!
- She's gonna find out sometime Rodney.
- Get it for us would you Del?
- Alright, alright, Rodney!
- Cheers Del, you're a pal!
Here you are, darling, look Exchange and Mart,
oh, give me one of yer dirty magazines
darling will you.
Yeah, which one d'you want?
Which one d'you want Rodney?
Just the Exchange and Mart.
'What one d'you want Rodney?'
I don't believe you sometimes!
I wish I'd had my Polaroid
with me! You should've seen your face!
You've embarrassed me!
I've embarrassed you!
Oh, it's alright for some bird to think
I'm a pervo though is it?
You ain't taking her out, are you?
- Don't know, I ain't made me mind up yet!
- Oh, listen to him, will you!
- Hey, what's your game, eh?
- My Mum said she's gonna kill me!
Well she won't need to will
she?
You'll kill yourself
running across the road like that.
No, haven't you ever heard of
the Green Cross Code?
But I'm gonna get killed in a
minute!
- No you're not. She's not gonna kill you!
- She said she was!
Yeah, I know, but mums say lots
of things they don't mean, don't they, eh?
Here, tell you what. Here you are,
go and get yourself an ice-cream
at the Paki's on the corner.
Oh thanks mister...what about
my brother?
- Ah, who's he?
- That's your brother is it?
You'd better get him one an'
all hadn't yer?
Ta mister.
Oi just a minute, why was your
Mum telling you off?
I let down the tyres on that motor.
I'll kill you!
Oh bloody hell Del, look at that.
Little scallywags round here ain't they!
Well it's nothing to laugh at
Del, I mean, look at it!
Oh no, they're only kids
though ain't they?
I used to do the same sort of thing when
I was a nipper.
I remember me and Albie Littlewood we let a
couple of tyres down once.
Should have seen the palaver
it caused. Everyone had to get off the bus!
They were the days! Still, I'll go round the
garage and get the foot pump for you.
Yeah right. Oi, hold on what
d'you mean you'll get me the foot pump?
You ain't 'alf getting independent ain't yer?
Alright, go and get your on foot pump.
That's more like it.
- Alright Champ? What you doing?
- I'm running away from home.
Running away from home are you?
Ain't got very far have you?
My Mum said I mustn't cross the
road!
That makes it difficult then
dunnit? Where's yer brother?
His Dad says he has to go in.
I see. Well I reckon that's the
best place for you to go an' all, don't you?
She'll kill me!
No she won't, listen, they were
my tyres that you let down weren't they?
So I'll come home with you and I'll tell your Mum
that I asked you to let my tyres down
'cos I wanted to see how long it would take my
brother to pump 'em back up again! How's that?
Alright then.
There, good boy, see, you know
it makes sense! Come on then.
You'd better get in 'cos the
bogey man will be coming soon.
- I've seen the bogey man!
- Have you? What's he look like?
He's got a funny hat and wears
pyjamas under his mac!
That's not the bogey man,
that's my Grandad!
Right, come on then. Is this
it? This is your house?
Is it? Right, now don't you worry.
She'll be as sweet as a
nut, I'll guarantee. Just stay there.
Where have you been? I was just
about to call the police.
Look at the state of you. Go and put
your pyjamas on. I'll see you in a minute.
Does that go for me an' all?
- You what? Del? Cor, I don't believe it!
- Junie, how you doing?
- I'm fine!
- Oh great.
You don't still live on the
estate, do you?
Well yeah, over the way there,
you know Nelson Mandela House.
Here when d'you move in here?
Six weeks ago, there don't stand out there, people'll
think you're the tallyman. Come in.
Right. 'Ere hang about. What
about the old man?
Erh, he's gone away for a bit.
Oh gone away for a bit. Anyone
we know?
He's soundo already. Didn't
even want a bedtime story tonight.
He's a little scallywag ain't he?
Ooh, he's a right handful!
D'you know what he did today?
He only let the tyres down on
some crappy three-wheeled van over there!
- Yeah?
- I think he misses his Dad!
Yeah, I used to miss my Dad -
till I learnt to punch straight!
When's the old man
get out?
Oh, he's not in prison Del!
No, he works on an oil-rig.
Oh I see! When are you
expecting him back then?
About six months if he keeps
his nose clean.
I'd have popped over and seen you, but I didn't think for
one minute you'd still be living here!
D'you remember what you used to say to me all
those years ago?
I can remember quite a lot of
funny things I used to say to you!!!
I don't mean 'that'! You used to say,
'This time next year I'll be a millionaire!'
Did I? What a wally!
Well, we were much younger then weren't
we, I mean, anything seemed possible in them days.
'Ere, 'ere, how long ago was it that, you know, you and I,
well, we stopped seeing each other?
- Must be...19 years now!
- 19 - 19 years!
It's longer than that in fact.
We broke up in September 1965.
Just after Albie Littlewood's funeral.
That's right! Yeah, that's right, cor, we were a right
little team up till then, weren't we?
What, the famous four! You and
me, Albie and...what was his girlfriend's name?
- Deirdre.
- That's it, Deirdre
.
Do you know I often
wondered what would have happened
if he hadn't been coming over to see me that
night.
You know, if he hadn't taken the short cut across the
railway lines,
if his bike hadn't accidentally
fallen on the live rail.
I mean what's the point of
talking about ifs!
If me brother had been a bird he
would have been me sister, wouldn't he, eh?
Oh you had a kid brother!
Rodney. How is he?
Oh, he's alright. He's just
reached that awkward age.
You know he's a bit like a triffle!
- What d'you mean, mixed up?
- No, no, he's thick and fruity!
Oh and what about your Grandad?
Oh Grandad, well, he's not too
fit at the moment,
he's laid up in Dock but I sometimes
think you know given half a chance
he could be thick and
fruity an' all.
I take it you never got
married!
Me, no, no, no, I just get
engaged!
'Ere, talking about
that...you still got my engagement ring?
Yeah, you don't want it back
do you?
No, no, no, I - you know I was
just wondering that was all!
No, I was just wondering like,
'cos you know,
I - I could always whip over home and get
my Sheena Easton LP, if you like!
Not much point, I haven't got
a record player!
Oh, I'll have to keep my eye
open for one! For you, won't I, eh?
Don't worry, you leave it
to me, alright?
Oh Del. Oh! 'Ere Del, help
yourself to a drink.
Yeah, thanks Junie.
Oh come in love.
It's alright. It's a friend of
my daughter's.
Debs, it's for you! She's got that bloody
radio on again, she'll wake Jason!
- You little plonker!
- What are you doing here?
What am I doing...What are you
doing here?
Well, this is where Debbie lives, ain't it?
That bird from the paper...
'Ere - 'ere
you're not trying to...
No I am not! Leave it out, I'm
a friend of her Mum's!
- Yeah, when d'you meet her then?
- 1964
What and you've only just come
round to see her?
No, I was engaged to her, soppy!
What, another one!
Stone me Del, you've been engaged more
times than a switchboard ain't yer!
Don't you start getting lippy.
I don't know what you brought that round for,
'Cos they ain't got a record player!
That's alright, I ain't got a
record!
You are a saucy little git you
really...
Oi, I've got one of those at
home on the sideboard!
Yeah alright, well I'll get
you another one tomorrow, wont I!
Yeah you better...Junie, June, you'll never
guess who that is? That is little Rodney!
- You're kidding!!
- No, straight up!
I don't believe it! The last time I saw you,
you were about that high! How old was he Del?
Then, about two and 'alf!
Anyway it's very nice to meet
you again Rodney.
And you...
Ma'm.
Leave it out Rodney, you're
making me feel quite Tom and Dick you really are.
- You can call me June.
- Oh thank you.
Debbie won't be a minute, she's
just putting some clothes on.
- Oh she needn't bother!
- What??
No, no, no, I mean, you know,
she needn't bother to put on anything special.
I was thinking actually...er...if you
two wanted to go out and you know
chat about old times and all that, well you know I'm sure
me and Debbie wouldn't mind baby-sitting.
What d'you think Del?
I daren't tell you what I think Junie!
Come on let's go out for a drink! Shall we?
- Hello Rodney.
- Debs!
- You alright darling?
- Oh watcha.
You two met?
Yeah, he came in the paper
shop this morning for a dirty magazine.
'Ere no, actually...listen...
Er, I was just saying you and me
wouldn't mind baby-sitting
if Del and yer Mum went out for a drink!
- Yeah, that suits me.
- I'll get my coat.
Yeah alight, darling.
'Ere I'd do that up if I was you,
you'll get a cold on yer chest!
It's Debbie's house, she can do
what she likes. Do you want a brandy Debs?
- Brandy eh? You're splashing out ain't yer?
- Yeah well of course he's celebrating ain't he?
Celebrating what?
Oh, hasn't he told you?
He's ust heard from the clinic!
He's got an all clear.
- Well, there you go. Old times, eh?
- Old times.
'Ere , Junie, I hope you don't
mind me asking,
but there's always been something that's
been bothering me.
Look, if it's something from
the past let's leave it.
No, no, it's just that I always wondered
why it was that you left so suddenly like that?
Without a letter, a word, or
nothing!
It's personal Del! All over
and done with now, right?
Can we talk about something
happier?
Yeah, of course! What they put
your ol' man in prison for?
- He stole some watches.
- Oh I see! Ain't still got 'em have you?
We're getting a divorce when
he comes out.
The marriage
never worked right from the start.
Oh, I don't know! It seemed to
have lasted quite a while!
Oh no, we've only been married
seven years!
Seven years?? But no Debbie.
She must be...Oh I'm sorry!
He's not Debbie's father.
No, no, sorry I didn?t mean,
you know! I wasn't trying to...
'Ere, it's her birthday next week. We're gonna have
a little party. D'you fancy coming?
Yeah, not half, I'll have some
of that!
'Ere, I'll have to get that record player
for you a bit lively won't I?
Oh yes.
'Ere what do you want? Another
one, or same again.
Oh, I'd love another one. Same
again.
- Here you go Del.
- Cheers Trig.
'Ere you are, Maureen, same again love,
that's a Singapore Sling and half of Strongbow.
Coming up.
What you up to Mickey?
I've just come back from
evening school. I'm learning Aikido.
Really? Go on then, say something.
Say something in Aikido.
No, it's not a language Del.
It's a martial art!
I had a fight
with five blokes last night!
What was it, a pillow fight?
Leave it out you ain't got a
mark on you son!
That's because I wiped 'em out
with Aikido.
Can you smell that? What is
that? Sheep is it? It's cows?
No, no, I know what it is.
It's bullshit!
I'm telling you the truth Del!
Leave it out Mickey. I can
always tell when you're lying.
How?
Yer lips move! 'Ere you are,
love. How much is that?
- Right cheers.
- Cheers. Where's Rodney tonight?
Rodney? He's round at that
young Debbie's place.
Well I don't know what he sees
in her! I mean, she's just a kid ain't she!
She's 19 next week mouthy!
What about your 19th birthday
Mickey?
What about it?
Well, you looking forward to
it are you?
19, 'ere just a minute that
Debbie. That young Debbie, she can't be 19!
She's 19 next Wednesday, Del.
Yeah, tell you what, I've got
an invitation to her 19th birthday party.
- That's impossible!
- What's the matter with you Del?
19 an 'alf years ago, me and
Debbie's Mum...
- Oh my Gawd!
- What are you talking about Del?
What are you talking about?
No, no, no, nothing! No it's
alright, no, forget it. Just no - forget it.
Junie... Junie, I know why you left
so suddently all them years ago!
- Do you?
- Pot pourri...Why didn?t you tell me?
I couldn't. I didn't know how
you'd take the news.
I'm just going to the bog.
Alright Del Boy?
No, I'm not alright Trigger! I
don't know what I'm gonna do!
I just don't know what I'm
gonna do!
Hang on Del Boy, leave it to me!
Come on hurry up, we've got an
emergency out here!
No, no, no, not that Trigger!!
Come here. Listen to me.
D'you remember about 20 years ago, I
was - I was engaged to that bird right.
What June? Yeah, I remember
her! She's back on the estate now.
That's right. Well she's got a
- she's got a 19-year-old kid.
Yeah, Debbie, works in the
paper shop. So what?
So what? Me and June broke up
about 19 an' 'alf years ago right.
That means that she was expecting her at the time!
Which means Debbie is my kid!
But she's a pretty girl!
Of course she is! I mean, look ,
that' a chip off the old block, ain't it, eh?
Didn't June say nothing to you
at the time?
- No, not a dicky bird!
- You sure Del?
Well, I would have remembered
something like that Trigger, wouldn't I?
I mean, you sure she's your kid?
Yeah, she's gotta be, I mean...
she's gotta be!
'Ere, the little cow short-
changed me the other day!
- Well that is it then innit?
- You told the rest of the family?
No, no, I've only just found
out meself!
Gawd knows what Grandad and Rodney are gonna
say when they...Rodney!!
- Put her down Rodney!
- You're back early ain't yer?
Yeah, ain't we just, eh? I'm
going to bed Del!
No listen, June we've gotta talk.
Look, I knew this was how you'd behave, that's why I
didn't tell you! I'll see you around sometime...
- No listen, June.
- Maybe!
Look we've gotta talk...
You've made another lasting
impression I see!
Come on and get up out of
there, come on. Give Debbie some air.
The poor girl can't
breathe.
Yeah, alright! You want another
brandy Deb?
- No she don't!
- I'll make my own decision thank you.
Yes, of course! Of course, it's just that if you have too
much to drink you might make yourself sick!
And you don't
wanna be ill for yer party next week.
It's Debbie's birthday next
week, Rodney.
Yeah, I thought it was mine
tonight!
I'll get you a nice present
shall I - dear?
I'll get you a solid gold watch, eh?
A couple of hundred quid at least, no rubbish!
- Alright!
- What's your game Del?
Just feeling generous that's all.
Come on, Rodney I'll give you a lift home, come on.
Give me - Del, we only live 50
yards across the precinct!
I know that - I know, but when
I came back tonight
there was
a load of muggers hanging about!
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
Well perhaps I'd better go
Debs - I've gotta be up early!
Alright then...
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight...Pleasant dreams.
- Well, goodnight Debs.
- Goodnight.
Come on Rodney!
Now just what is your game
Del?
All that, 'Shall I buy you a nice gold watch shall I,
dear?' And 'Sweet Dreams!'
I was just being friendly,
that's all!
You're trying to pull her
ain't yer?
I am not trying to pull her!
What d'you think I am, some
kind of sicko or something?
Well, you're trying to interfere between
me and Debbie ain't yer?
I am not trying to interfere,
Rodney. Now listen. Rodney, look, I just...
I don't think that you two are...'right' for
each other!
It's got nothing to do with
you!
Me and Debbie think we're right for each other!
As a matter of fact we're thinking
of getting engaged!
You're what? You can't get
engaged to her Rodney.
No, what I mean - what I mean is,
what I mean is you're too young!
I'm 24 Del! By the time you
was my age
you'd been engaged to every bird this side of the
water! No, you're just jealous ain't yer?
You can't stand the
thought that I might end up with a nice little wife.
You're gonna end up with a nice
little stretch if you ain't careful!
Rodney, you mustn't
get engaged to her!
You give me one good reason
why I mustn't??
Because she's my daughter!
That's why!
- Debbie - is - your - daughter?
- Yeah!
No. It's not real! No, it's
not happening to me!
I'll tell you what, I'm in the middle of
a bad trip! I'm gonna wake up in a minute!
I've worked it out on the
calculator Rodney!
Me and June broke up 19 and 'alf years
ago. It's Debbie's 19th birthday next week!
You're the one with the GCE in Maths, you
work it out yourself!
Well maybe she met someone
after you!
No, she was born a couple of
months after!
Well then she was premature!
Premature?? She'd have had to
have been bloody instant, Rodders!
But - she's a pretty girl!
I know that - I can see Mum in
her! Come on...cheer up Rodney.
Cheer up?? Del I've just met the first girl
in my life who really means something to me,
and it turns out to be my
bloody niece!
Alright, Rodney. Come on,
that's why I had to tell you, you see,
'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's...
well, it's incense!
Say you had got married to her - you can see
what sort of confusion that would have led to,
I would have been
your father-in-law!
Bloody hell!
Yer mother-in-law would have been yer aunt,
yer wife would have been yer second cousin -
Gawd knows what that would have made Grandad,
the fairy godmother I should think.
Del, are you absolutely
certain of this?
Yeah, well, certain as I'll
ever be. Just think eh, Rodney,
young Debbie has grown up all these years
'an she never never knew that - I was her Daddy!
Do you think
I ought to tell her?
Eh, no, no, that could come as
a great disap...great shock.
No perhaps you're right!
- Could you do something for me Del?
- Yeah sure.
You go and see June.
You go and see her and you find
out if it's definite -definitely definite!
Yeah, tomorrow - I definitely
promise!
Well I'm going to bed. I bet
I'll have a nightmare!
I bet I'll have a nightmare where my
wife keeps calling me Uncle Rodney, eh?
Alright Del, you've got five
minutes! Say what you have to say and then go!
Is Debbie in?
No, she - she's gone over her
Auntie's.
Look, if you've come here to dig up the past again,
you can forget it!
Come on Junie, there are
things that have got to be discussed!
- What sort of things?
- Look Junie! I know!
So you said last night!
- Well then? Are you gonna tell her or shall I?
- Tell her what?
Oh come on, June. Don't play
the innocent with me.
Tell her - that I am her father!
You're her...
Oh Del! When you said you knew, I thought you
really knew! Debby's not your kid.
Yes she is. No, come on, she
was born six months after we broke up!
Well she's gotta be - I mean, if I'm not her
father, then who is??
Albie Littlewood!
Albie Littlewood? Albie
Littlewood? My bestest friend in all the world?
The greatest pal a bloke could have, and
all the time he was doinking my bird?
That's why I left!
How could he do it to me? We
were blood-brothers!
We were just kids - we were
just playing games.
That night he died on the railway lines -
he wasn't coming to meet you in the pub.
He was coming to
meet me!
For nigh on 20 years I've
carried that guilt around with me,
it's hung round my neck
like some great two-ton medallion!
Well, well, now you're free of it ain't you?
Albie didn't take the short-cut for you.
It's not the only reason why I
was feeling guilty!
'Cos if he had made it across the railway lines
that night he wouldn't have met me in the pub!
I wasn't in the pub! I was round at his bird
Deirdre's place!
You were with Deirdre??
It's alright, June. We were
only playing games, only playing games.
Why you dirty little toe-rag.
- Hello Mum.
- Hello love.
I've brought Mickey back,
we're going to my room to listen to the radio.
Good evening young Michael! Alright?
Watchya Del! I just met Debbie
walking across the estate.
So I thought I'd better make
sure she got home safely.
Yes! So you thought you'd
escort the young lady back to her bedroom.
Yeah, I know Mickey, I know only too well
my son! Goodnight to you all!
Oh Mickey, make sure you don't
take the short cut across the railway line.
Subtitles by NVL