Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 2, Episode 9 - Diamonds Are for Heather - full transcript

Derek Trotter has the Yuletide Blues, and drinks away his loneliness in Spanish night at The Nag's Head. There he meets Heather, who seems to be one friend short of company. Del Boy, ever ...


# Stick a pony in me pocket

# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van

# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns,
But you don't ask questions

# Then brother, I'm your man!

# 'Cause where it all comes from
Is a mystery

# It's like the changing of the seasons
And the tides of the sea

# But here's the one
That's driving me berserk

# Why do only fools and horses work?

# La, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la #



Eh, he's good, ain't he, Del Boy?

Yeah, I wish I could say the same
about this chicken.

What's the matter with it, tough?

Tough, tough. It's the toughest chicken
I've ever known.

It's asked me for a fight
in the car park twice.

All right, come on, what's upset you?

Me? Nothing.
Don't worry about me, Rodney.

I'm not worried about you.

I'm worried bout the fiver
I spent on this ticket.

I thought we'd be enjoying ourselves,
you know, what's the matter?

Ah, it's just that,

I went round to Lennie Morris's
little kid's christening today, you know.

There was just this fantastic atmosphere
in his front room.

You know, his Mum and Dad were there,
and his wife

and his little baby,

and I thought,

you know,
he's got all his family round him.

He's got a real family.

And what have I got?

You've got us.

Yeah, I thought of that.

That is when I left.

You know, that rich bird what
he's been seeing lately?

-Her with the nose.

Well, she's just given him
the old heave-ho.


Oh, well, that explains it, don't it?

Del had high hopes of
selling some gear to her.

What sort of gear?

Well, her dad left her a chain
of launderettes in his will, right.

Del's gone and lumbered himself
with two ton of hooky Persil.

Oi, oi, don't you say nothing,
Rodney, he told me in confidence.

No, no, of course not.

Right, here you are. Come on.
Get some of this gut-rot down your neck.

Ah, come on, Del, cheer up, eh?

-I'll tell you what...

Let's have a family sing-song
like in the old days, eh?

Yeah, all right. All right, come
on then, go on, Rodney, start us off.

Yeah, right, altogether.

# We're gonna hang out the washing
On the Siegfried line

# Have you any dirty washing... #

Oi, Enrico, Enrico.

-Come here a minute, will you?
-Si, Senor?

Listen, do us a favour, will you?

Sing Old Shep for me, will you?

Come, on, leave it off, Del.
Not Old Shep again.

We're trying to enjoy ourselves.

You can't enjoy yourself
with a song about a dead dog.

Sing Old Shep.

IN SPANISH ACCENT Senor. It is no possible
to sing the Old Shep song.

It, is er, how you say, the tragic song,
It make the tears fall from the eyes.

Go on, sing Old Shep.

IN BRITISH ACCENT Look, leave it out,
will you, Del Boy,
I've got a living to earn.

That's a killer of a song.

Once I've sung that
the evening's finished.

Look, I'll sing another song for you, eh.

Any other song.

But no way do I sing Old Shep.

Sing, Old, Shep.

# When I was a lad

# And Old Shep was a pup

# Over hills and meadows we roamed

# Just a boy and his pup

# We were just full of fun

# We grew up together that way

# And if dogs have a heaven

# There's one thing I know

# Old Shep has a wonderful

# Home #

Bravo, bravo, Enrico,
Di Stefano, my son, di Stefano.

Puskas! Puskas!

That is my most favourite song
about a dog that is, you know.

Yeah, I mean, as songs about dead dogs go,
it's a real mind-bender, ain't it?

The only trouble is nobody likes it.

Yes, they do. Yes, they do. I like it.

And that young lady over there,
she likes it.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I think I've got
a cultural encounter coming on.

-Del, Del.

While you're over there,

ask your cultural encounter
if she's all right for Persil.

-Good evening!
-Oh, hello!

Do you mind if I park my bot?

No, please.

-A drink?
-No, thank you.

Well, that was... Oh, sorry.

That was a lovely song that, ain't it?
Beautiful, eh?

Always gets me right here that does, yes.

Always brings back such poignant memories.

Did you have an old dog?

Oh, I've had many old dogs in my time.

Er, sorry, what did you say your name was?


Heather, that's a beautiful name, that is,
innit, Heather?

That's one of my
most favourite names that, Heather.

My name is Del, it's, er, short for Derek.

Oh, do you know what the word
"Derek" means?

No, I don't.

No, nor do I,
I'm always meaning to check it up.

I'm very surprised to see

a charming young lady
like yourself here on your own.

Well, I'm supposed to be
meeting someone here,

a girlfriend.

But she doesn't seem to have shown up,
so I was just about to leave.

Well, I don't blame you.

Now, he's sung that song,
it's stone-dead in here, innit, eh?

Listen, I hope you don't think
I'm being forward or nothing

but I just wondered if you fancied
going on for a drink

in a little nightclub that I know.

Well, I'm not sure.

It's getting home in early hours.

Well, there's no bother, no.

I can always drop you off, you know.
Do you live local?

-Oh, Brixton.

Do you really? Oh, that's funny, that is.

Funny, funny, I haven't seen you before

because I do a lot of work down there,
you know, in Rorke's Drift.

What line are you in?

Umm...I'm an importer exporter
of quality merchandise.

You know, antiques, that sort of thing.

I tend to specialise in
Parisian haute couture fashion, you know,

and special objets d'art,
modern works of art.

It sounds fascinating.

Oh, yes, it is. Oh, it is.

I tell you what, if you're interested,

I've got some very cheap washing powder.

No, straight.

DEL: Yeah, yeah.


HEATHER: Sorry about the light.

The landlord took the bulb out,

he says he's doing his bit
to conserve world energy.

DEL: That's a rare combination, innit?

A rent collector
and a Friend of the Earth.

HEATHER: Oh, mind the step.

DEL: Oh.

Well, this is it.

I told you it wasn't much of a flat,
didn't I?

Well, don't know, could be worse!

Oh, yeah? How?

Could have been on the top floor.

Servir Frais Mois Non Glace,

as they would say in France.

Oh, true, very true.

I didn't hear you come in.

Sorry, I'm late, love,
Del took me on to a nightclub.


It's only being friendly John,
you know what I mean?

Oh, Del, let me introduce you,
this is Brian.

Brian lives downstairs,
he's my babysitter.

Oh, well, um, er...

Oh, pleased to meet you, Brian.

-Nice to meet you too.

Well, um, I won't stop, I've,
I've got some studying to catch up on.

Brian goes away to university soon.

Oh, you're a bit long in the tooth
for that sort of lark, ain't you?

I'm a mature student.

Oh, go on?
Here, my brother went to university.

Oh, really? What was he reading?

God knows.
Mayfair and Penthouse, knowing him.

Yes. I see, well, I really must be going.
See you in the week, Heather. Bye for now.

Thanks for looking after the place, Brian.

I hope he didn't
get on your nerves too much.

No, no, no, I've er,
I've got to get used to people like him.

No, I meant the baby.

Oh, sorry.
No, no, no he was as good as gold.

Bye for now.

Bye. Mind the step.

I didn't know, er,
didn't know you had a baby.

Well, he's not a baby any more,
he's nearly three-and-a-half.

There's a picture of him
on the mantelpiece.

Blimey, he's a big lad for his age,
ain't he?

-No, that's Vic, my husband.

That's Darren.

Oh, cor, he's a little cracker,
ain't he, eh?

Yeah, where's your husband these days?

I don't know,
and I don't particularly care.

He walked out of here one morning,

said he was popping down
the Job Centre to sign on.

That was eighteen months ago.

Well, the way things are,
he could still be queuing.

Do you know, when we got engaged,

Vic had a straight choice
between going on holiday with his mates,

or buying me an engagement ring.

Did he send you a postcard?

Like hell he did,
Vic looked after number one.

I don't think he was
ever meant to be married.

He couldn't face the responsibility.

I used to say to him, "Vic," I used to say
"you've got a baby now, Vic.

"Isn't it time
you sorted yourself out and..."

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Del.

There's nothing worse than having
your ear bent by somebody else's problems.

I'm just tired.

Yeah, well, I'd better be off,
I've got an early call in the morning.

I've got to get down to, er,
got to get down to Peckham by seven,

pick up a consignment of
fire-damaged woks.

Anyway, I'll be finished by about ten.

I just wondered whether you might fancy
going out for the day somewhere,

you know, and a spot of lunch,
something like that.

Oh, yeah, I'd love to.

Well, I'll see if Brian
will baby-sit again.

Eh, no, no, no, I meant, you know,
you and the boy.

-Are you sure?

Most men don't want to know
when they find you've got a baby.

Yeah, well,

I'm not like most men, Heather.

Yeah, I, well...Yeah, I'll...

Yeah, I'll see you about eleven,
right, tomorrow?

-Yeah, all right, then.
-Yeah, okay, then. Yeah.

-Bye then.
-Bye then. Ta-ra.



Mind that...




# Zoom, just one look
And then my heart went boom

# Suddenly, and we were on the moon

# Flying high in a neon sky

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Bang, just one touch
And all the church bells rang

# Heaven called
And all the angels sang

# Sunrise shines
On the midnight sky

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Zoom, you chased the day away

# High noon

# The moon and stars
Came out to play

# Then

# My whole wide world was zoom

# Moonbeams dancing
In the afternoon

# Shadows glowing... #

I don't think it's funny!

# ...Looking down
On a wonderland

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Zoom, you chased the day away

# High noon

# The moon and stars
Came out to play

# Zoom, you chased the day away

# High noon

# The moon and stars
Came out to play

# And then... #

That's right, come on, then, Darren,
kick the ball to your Uncle Del.

Good boy!

Good ball, good ball, my son.
Now let's see you come out the goal.


This way. Good boy.

You're gonna play for England
one of these days.

What do you reckon, Rodney,

Darren could play for England now,
couldn't he?

He's better than that load of rubbish.
Right come on.

You'll get in the England side
playing like this.

Just have a look at him, will you?
He's like a born-again Ovaltinie.

I mean, he's only known Heather
and the kid for what, six weeks,

and look at him.

I don't know what's got into him.

He spends most of his time on them

climbing frames and swings
and what have you.

The other day, I seen the caretaker
telling him off

for coming down the slide backwards.

Coming down backwards.
That's a bit dangerous, innit?

I mean, all his conkers and marbles
could have fallen out of his pockets.

Give it, Rodney,

What's the joke?

Nothing much.

We're just talking about wallies,
that's all.

Your name cropped up.

Not so much of it.

Here you are, Darren.

And that's another thing.
I wish he'd get rid of this sign.

I mean, whenever I'm sitting
in the passenger seat,

people look at me sorta funny.

Oh, I wouldn't let that
bother you, Rodney.


They most probably
just think you're a poof.

You must have spent a third of your life
standing in front of mirrors.

My earliest childhood recollection
is of you standing in front of a mirror.

Up until I was four,
I thought you was twins.

If you're trying to wind me up, Rodney,
it ain't gonna work, no way, bruv.

'cause tonight is a very, very happy night
and a very, very special one for me.

What is it, Cubs night?

No it ain't Cubs night.

Well, go on, Rodney. How do I look, eh?

You look, like a second-hand car trader.

Oh, thanks a lot, Rod.
Here, that remind me.

You know what we were
talking about earlier on,

about Heather and Darren
coming over for Christmas.

I mean, you don't mind do you?
'Cause you like Heather, don't you, eh?

Don't you, Rod, eh?

Yeah, she's all right.

What about you, Grandad?

You like Darren, don't you, eh.
He's not a noisy little brat, is he?

Oh, no, he's a good little kid.


Here, Rod.

How'd you feel about Heather
becoming your sister-in-law?

Do what?

No, no, no, not now. Not immediately.

I mean, you know, some time in the future.

I mean, you know,
I haven't even mentioned it to her yet.

I mean, I don't want to jump me guns, eh.

Well, I'm not fussed.

She won't want to come and live here
with that noisy little brat, will she?

No, no.

We've applied for a Council house.

Well, where's me billy-goat?

Oh, here it is, here. Right. That's it.
Well, I'm off out then.

I'm taking Heather out for an evening
that she will never forget.

You know, it's gonna be soft lights,
music, champagne,

and of course,
the very, very finest of foods,

I only hope she likes curry.


Well, I suppose it was
always on the cards.

I think they'll be happy together,
don't you?

Oh, yeah, she's a good girl,
she'll look after him.

Yeah. And he thinks the world
of that kid, don't he, eh?

And they fit so neatly
into his style of living,

you know, fast foods, ready-to-wear suits,

and now he's got an instant family, eh?

I'm, I'm pleased for him.

You seem to be
forgetting something, Rodney.

If Del Boy moves into his Council gaff
with his off-the-peg next of kin,

who the hell's gonna pay the rent,
gas and electric in this place, eh?

We'll have a chicken tikka,
off the bone, a mutton Madras,

a pair of onion bhajis, four popadoms,

some nan bread
and a couple of portions of rice.

All right.

Yes, sir. Which rice would you like?

Have you got any Uncle Ben's?

No, sir. We have pilaw rice,
basmati rice or plain white rice.

Oh, we'll have the pilaw rice,

and make sure you
take the feathers out first.

Oh, and, Tony, I want a bottle of your
finest champagne, all right, son?

-Yes, sir.
-Thank you.

You're pushing the boat out a bit,
aren't you?

No, I'm always like this
when I've got something to celebrate.

Oh, yeah? What are you celebrating?

You sold all them Chinese woks?

No, no. I got a bit lumbered
with them actually.

I'm giving them away free
with packets of Persil.

So what's the champagne in aid of?



-What is it?
-Well, Open it, see.



Oh, it's lovely.

I got it off this mate of mine, Abdul.

He gets a discount at Hatton Garden.


is this an engagement ring?

No, it's a set of socket spanners.

Of course, it's an engagement ring.

I'll change it if you like.

See, I remembered what you said,
that you liked solitaire diamonds.

So I thought...

Well, you know,
that I'd get her a cluster of solitaires.

No, no, it's a beautiful ring, Del.

What's up then?

It's Vic.

Oh, is your nose blocked up?


No, it's Vic, my husband.

Oh, well, what about him?

He wrote to me last week.

Oh, yeah, last week?
You didn't mention it.

I know, I've been trying to find
the right moment to bring the subject up.

-Well, he's living in Southampton.

Got himself a nice flat, apparently.


He wants me and Darren
to move down there with him.

You know, try again.

See if we can make it work this time.


Yeah, well.

I mean, you're not gonna believe
all that old pony are you, are you?

Are you?

The thing is, Del,

he is still my husband.

He's Darren's father.

I owe it to him.

Oh, come on, don't give me
all that, Heather.

I mean, he don't care a monkey's
about you and Darren.

I mean, what did big brave Vic do
when the going got heavy, eh?

He pulled on his hiking boots
and had it away on his toes.

You don't know what he's like, Del.

I do know what he's like
'cause he's exactly like my old man,

that's what he did to me
eighteen years ago.

It wasn't all his fault.

He was unemployed.

All he wanted was a regular job.

You've no idea what sort of pressure
that can do to a family.

Well, he's got himself a job now
in a department store.

Oh, yeah, doing what?

He's a Father Christmas.

Oh, well, that's
a steady little number that, innit, eh?

Free uniform, luncheon vouchers,

forty-eight weeks' holiday a year.

I still love him.

What about me?

I love you, Del.

But not in that way.

I feel for you the way
someone would feel for a...

Goldfish or a gerbil?


Like a brother.

I feel for you
the way you feel for Rodney.

And I thought you liked me.

Heather, I thought that
you and I had an understanding.

Honestly, Del,
I never knew you felt that strongly,

I mean, you never said anything.

I'm not a poet, Heather.

You know,
I can't do all that lovey-dovey stuff.

I feel things

but when I try to say 'em they

always come out,


I thought it was obvious
the way that I felt for you.

What else could I have done?

I don't know.

A sign, or something.

What, like, tie a yellow ribbon
round an old oak tree or something?

I leave next Tuesday.

Will you come round
and say goodbye to Darren?


He really took to you.

You like kids, don't you?


I used to go to school with a lot of 'em.

It's a beautiful ring, Del.

Thank you.

Normally, I'd let you keep it,

but I only got it on a week's approval.

I don't really feel hungry any more, Del.
I think I'll go.

That's all right, I'll get a taxi.

# Saviour, Lord, at Thy birth

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

# All is bright

# Round yon virgin
Mother and child

# Holy infant
So tender and mild

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace #

# We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year!

# Good tidings we bring
To you and your king

# We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year!

# We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year! #

Are you sure?

# When I was a lad
And Old Shep was a pup

# Over hills and meadows we strayed

# Just a boy and his dog

# We were both full of fun

# We grew up together that way #


# We've got some half priced cracked ice

# And miles and miles of carpet tiles

# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs

# Pool games, gold chains, wossnames
And at a push

# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits

# From a mush in Shepherds Bush
Bush, Bush

# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush

# No income tax, no VAT

# No money back, no guarantee

# Black or white, rich or poor

# We'll cut prices at a stroke!

# God bless Hooky Street!

# Viva Hooky Street!

# Long live Hooky Street!

# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!

# Magnifique, Hooky Street!

# Hooky Street

# Hooky Street

# Hooky Street #