Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 0, Episode 0 - Rodney Come Home - full transcript

- I wish Rodney was still working with you.
- So do I.

- All them suitcases give me backache.
- And your moanings are giving me heartache.

- I fought for this country
- Did ya? How did you get on?

What are we waiting for?

I'll tell you what we're waiting for.

Security people change shifts at 12 o'clock
and the new lot always start on the bottom floor.

which gives us the chance to flog up
here on the top floor.

Now come on, pick it up.
Chop chop, off you go.

What you got in that suitcase, then?
Hooky gear?

How dare you! I don't deal in stuff like that,
well, not since I met Raquel.

I wouldn't get her involved in anything like that.



So what you worried about?

I'll tell you what I'm worried about.
I am an unlicensed trader.

Many many moons ago a local magistrate and I
had a sort of misunderstanding.

And he took the law into his own hands

and banned every council in London
from issuing me with a trader's licence.

So now I've gotta flog where and when I can.

Well can I go an' get something to eat?

No you cannot,
you're gonna be my lookout!

Anyway, Raquel's gonna make us something to eat
when we get home.

But I'm hungry now!

Go an' get us
a couple of hamburgers, will you?

No thank you. I'm taking no chances.
Say I caught mad cow disease!

Don't worry about that!
Who the hell is gonna notice?

Michelle.



Are you going to the hamburger bar
in the precinct during your lunch hour?

No.

Michelle, you're new here and I don't think
you've fully caught the gist of my question.

You see, I'm the head of the computer section
and you are the secretary to the head of the computer section.

So when the head of the computer section
asks the secretary to the head of the computer section

whether she's going to the hamburger bar in the precinct,
what the head of the computer section is saying,

is 'Go to the hamburger bar in the precinct
during your lunch hour

because the head of the computer section
is starving bloody hungry!'

You want me to go to the hamburger bar?

Yes, if it's not too much trouble. I fancy like the juiciest,
greasiest hamburger they got on offer.

Mr Coleman from Classic Curtains
is coming to see you in a little while.

Yes, I know. That's why I cannot get out
during the lunch hour and need food bringing in.

No, what I'm trying to say is,
do you want to invite Mr Coleman, an important client,

into an office that stinks to high heaven
of fried onions and grease?

Michelle, my office...

Thanks very much, Michelle.
You carry on with whatever you're doing.

They look very nice.
You'd make Freddy Kruger dead jealous.

- Raquel! How you doing?
- Hi, Rodney!

Fancy a coffee?

I've got to get this stuff home.

Come in, I'll get one of
the drivers to give you a lift.

- You sure?
- Of course. I'll get the kettle on.

She's got bags of food!
I'll mug her.

- You ready then?
- No, no, no.

Selling is all about timing.

Haven't you seen one of them nature programmes
on the BBC, with that Richard Attenborough,

where a lion is lying in the undergrowth,
watching as a flock of antelopes go by? Well they...

...they are my antelopes. And like the lion,
I know when the time is right.

I instinctively know the optimum moment
in which to make my move.

And then, and only then,
will I strike.

During the war...

Right, here we go then!
You get to your lookout position over there.

And what d'you want me to do?

What d'you mean, 'What do I want you to do?'

You're a lookout, don't you?
You look out, don't ya?

I meant, if I see the security blokes
coming what shall I say?

I don't particularly mind what you say.

You can say 'there she blows,
ship ahoy or man overboard' for all I care.

As long as I don't get my collar felt.

Stone me, this 'hands-on management'
gives me the right 'ump sometimes!

Here, get that up here.
We should do alright with this stuff.

They'll be falling over themselves
to get this top quality gear.

Yeah, thanks a lot. Give us about ten minutes
'cause she's just finishing her coffee.

- Your van awaits.
- Oh thanks.

So you and Del are still
coming round for dinner next week?

So long as it's still alright
with you and Cassandra.

Yeah, we're looking forward to it.
Sorry it's taken so long to invite you.

We're always gonna pop round
and say hello.

Cause Del said you was back in town and liv...

staying at the flat with him...
and Albert. When'd you get back?

A couple of weeks ago. I was over in America,
having a great time when I suddenly thought...

Hold on, you was in America?

- Didn't Del say?
- No.

Oh it was wonderful. We were doing this tour
of My Fair Lady down the East coast.

- I was the flower-seller.
- Cosmic!

Very cheap and cheerful
but I was seeing the world and getting paid.

We did Atlantic City, Miami, New Orleans.
Then suddenly I got this sort of urge to come home.

- To Del?
- Yes, to Del.

I wouldn't come home from New Orleans to see Del!
I wouldn't come home from the New Forest to see Del!

Oh, you don't see him the way I do.
He's lovely.

There are many words I could use
to describe Derek Trotter but lovely is not one of them...

How's the old sod keeping?

He's fine. He seems, I don't know,
quieter than when I first met him.

Del? Raquel, some years ago
Del went to a monastery and took a vow of loudness!

Oh that's not fair. He has changed.
He's not so loud and brash as he used to be.

Right. Gather round. You all know the game,
the crusader against inflation,

with another bargain of a lifetime!

This magnificent little doll here would probably
cost you 35 pounds up there in Oxford Street,

But you know my motto. My motto is:
'West End goods at Southend prices'.

If I offered you this little doll here for 10 pounds

you'd probably rip my arm off at the elbow
to get at it, wouldn't you?

But I'll tell you what 'm gonna do.
Because I'm in a festive mood

I'm gonna let you have this doll
at rock bottom bargain price.

I'm not gonna ask you for 10 quid.
I'm not gonna ask you for 8 quid.

What I'm gonna ask you for is ?7.50.
Come on, first come, first served. I haven't got many.

What is the matter with you people?
Don't you see a bargain when you see one?

This is not youe foreign rubbish, you know,
this is hand-made in Great Britain.

The British toy industry reckon
this is the most life-like dolls they'd ever seen in their life.

And I'll prove it to you.
Look at this.

Here it is, a genuine little
baby bottle.

You can feed her from the bottle,
she wets herself, she laughs, she cries.

And if you keep her 'til she's 13
she breaks out in acne and wants to go to Bros concerts!

Would I lie to you? I'll show you something else.
Another little feature of this wonderful toy.

She will even sing a little lullaby
to put herself to sleep Just listen to this.

He's having a lot of trouble
with the exhaust pipe on the van. It's got a hole in it.

Oh that's a shame.
The exhaust is the only decent thing on it.

So how are things with you and Cassandra?

How d'you mean?

- I mean are you both well?
- Yeah, great!

- Is Cassandra still studying hard for promotion?
- Yes. She's still a very ambitious lady.

- So married life suits you?
- Yeah.

Come on then, what's Del been saying?

He hasn't said anything, honest! Well, alright,
he mentioned that you'd had a couple of rows.

Once when you upset Cassandra's boss
and his wife.

That was nothing!
It was a misunderstanding.

Three minutes after it happened
we was all laughing about it!

- Del said she chucked you out.
- Only for a couple of days.

Then another time Cassandra
went back to her parents.

Yes. But that was nothing either!
Really. We're happy.

That's what I wanted to say to you.
I know it's none of my business, Rodney,

it's just that I've had a marriage break up
and I know how these things can start.

A lot of people think a marriage
comes complete with gift-wrapping.

But it doesn't, it comes in kit-form,
you've got to work at it.

Excuse me, Rodney, I've just noticed
we're doing more of this cheap printing for Del!

We are not running a charity organisation.

Excuse me...

Alan. Let me introduce you.
Raquel, this is Alan, my boss and father-in-law...

- 'Cause he's Cassy's Dad.
- Yeah, I figured that out, Rodney.

Alan, this is Raquel.
Her and Del liv... her and Del... are friends.

Yes, he's told me all about you.
You're and actress, aren't you?

Well, some people say that,
others tell the truth.

Oh come on, Del speaks very highly of your talents.
We'll have to go out to dinner one evening, all of us.

Look forward to it.

I've gotta dash, because
I'm meeting someone for lunch.

We're going to try that new Chinese place down
by the arches, they say the food's out of this world.

Good!

Just keep a closer eye on things. Rodney.
This cheap-printing is very good for some people.

Unfortunately, it's not for us.
See you again, Raquel.

I'd better be going too.

Why don't you pop in on your way
home from work this evening?

Del hasn't seen you for ages.

I'm doing roast chicken,
jacket potatoes, all the trimmings.

There'll be plenty there if you're peckish.

Na. I'll better take a raincheck on it.

I've got my route timed
to avoid the traffic on the one-way system.

Some other time, eh?
The driver's waiting for you out there.

OK. Give my love to Cassy. Bye.

Roast chicken and all the trimmings!

It's Mr Coleman from...

Hi.

You're late this evening.

Yeah, I got stuck in traffic jam
on the one-way system.

Something smells good. I'm starving.

I just did myself one of those
ready-made meals in the microwave.

Well, I'm starving.

There's plenty in the freezer.

Good!

- What a very clean oven we've got!
- Sorry?

I was just remarking how amazingly clean
one can keep these new modern ovens!

Especially when one never
bloody cooks in them!

- You're going out?
- Yeah.

That'll make a nice change, won't it?
What's it tonight? The bank's final exams?

The bank's annual cheese and wine orgy?
The bank's annual yoga and target practise course?

- I'm playing badminton!
- Oh, I see. Where?

The bank's sports club.

You go an' enjoy yourself, Cass.
I've got a busy evening planned as well.

I'm gonna sit and read the bank's pamphlet
on our joint pension policy!

Oh, God! Here we go again!
Alright, what's wrong this time?

With me? What could
possibly be wrong with me?

If you don't stop being so childish, I swear one of these days
I'll smother you with your comfort blanket!

Me childish? You're the one who's got a bit of
growing up to do, Cassandra!

When are you gonna realise you've got a marriage,
you've got a home, and you've got me!

I never forget that, Roddy!

I never see you.
You just use this flat like a base-camp!

You zoom in and out of here
like a blue-bottle with the runs!

I've had double-glazing salesmen
spend more time in here than you!

- Well, whatever turns you on!
- And what's that supposed to mean?

- Look, Rodney, I like to keep myself busy.
- But you're always out on your own!

Because you never want to go
anywhere with me!

I've asked you before to come to badminton
but you always refuse.

Because I don't relish the idea of spending
the entire evening whacking a dead budgie over a net!

Besides, all our social occasions
are in some way or another tied to the bank!

You resent me pursuing a career,
don't you?

No, I admire anyone who
wants to advance themselves.

But your idea on advancement
come straight out of Rommel's

'A Thousand and One Things
Every Good Panzer General Should Know'!

It's relentless Cass! It's Blitzkrieg!

Roddy, I am not trying to advance my career.
I am still trying to make up lost ground!

You of all people should understand that!

I have in some way interrupted Operation Cassandra?
And what is exactly I'm supposed to have done?

Oh, it's just little things.

Like that day my boss, Stephen, and his wife
came round and you punched him in the face!

- Oh, we're still on about that, are we?
- You broke his nose!

Broke it! I never broke it!
Tiny, hairline fracture, that's all!

Anyway, it was a long time ago
and I've apologised a thousand times for it.

I know you have and I'm perfectly willing
to be understanding - as long as you are.

Cass, how can I put this?

It seems a ridiculous thing for a husband
to have to say to his wife, but I'd like to see more of you.

The only time we're really together
is when we're lying in bed.

With our backs to each other!

That's only because you
turn your back on me!

You started it!

I did not! And why is it whenever we have a dinner party
we have to invite your family and your friends?

We invite your friends as well!

Name me one occasion, just one,
where I had my mates round here.

Last month Mickey Pearce and Jevon
and their girlfriends came round for the evening.

I've apologised for that.

And next week you've invited
your brother and Raquel round for dinner.

I've apologised for that as well.

Look, we always said
if we had problem with our marriage

we would sit down
and discuss it in a mature and adult way.

Fine. Let's sit down and discuss it
in a mature and adult way.

- Well, you can start.
- No, you carry on.

No, please, I'd like to hear what
you have to say.

- You started it, Roddy, so you go...
- I didn't start anything!

You're the one who came
home in a mood!

I didn't have a mood until I came home
and realised there was nothing for me to eat. Again!

Oh I see! That's what this is really all about!

I'm supposed to be the little wife
who has the dinner on the table

waiting for Rodney to come back
from the time-warp!

This is not 1933, and the sooner you realise that
the sooner you'll stop being so bloody childish!

Cass, if you could avert your gaze from the exotica
of the banking world for one moment,

you would realise, as so many women in Peckham realise,
that there is nothing childish about Rodney Trotter!

And they would appreciate having a young,
vibrant, successful bloke like me about.

And they'd most probably do me pie
and chips when I felt like it!

Well why don't you go
and find one of these women?

- Alright, I will!
- Well, go on then!

I will!

And take a bottle of ketchup
for your pie and chips!

I will!

What a meal!
'Je suis, je reste' as they say in Montpellier.

- Does that mean good?
- Good? That is absolutely superb.

I haven't had a meal like that
since my dear old Mum was alive. What was it again?

It's chicken!

I know it's chicken! But what's the dish called?

It's called Petti di Pollo Trifolati.

You can say what you like about the French

but they're magic when it comes
to a saucepan and a bit of salt.

It's Italian.

Yeah, I know it's Italian, I was just saying
the French are good cooks and all.

Je sui.

To the future.

Raquel.

You've been here for a week or two now,
and... you know how I feel about you, don't you?

Do I? You've never said.

I thought it was obvious...
I mean... I really do like you...

And... you don't have to answer this now,
if you don't want to,

but I was wondering if you would...

if you would...

I've kept your dinner warm in the oven, Albert.
Is everything alright now?

I've cut the singed bits off.

You should never light a candle
when you've got a man with a beard in the house!

It was your own fault. You shouldn't have leant
across the table to reach the bread!

I've a good mind to report your beard
to the council!

If I hadn't been a bit lively with me Liebfraumilch
we could have had a towering inferno on the rates.

I'll eat my dinner in the kitchen,
away from that fire hazard!

Good. And mind while you go how you get the plate
out the oven, because the gas is still on!

- You were saying?
- Was I? Oh yes.

- You see, you're a woman...
- Thank you.

And I'm a man.
And, no man's an island.

D'you understand what I'm getting at?

No.

Well, I just don't wanna rush things,
but I mean, would you...

Would you consider...

That's it, all over, kaputt!
That was her last chance!

Good evening, Rodney!

I have never been so
insulted in my life!

Sit down, bruv, let me have a try!

- What's happening?
- Rodney's left Cassandra.

Not again! Thiat's the third time in 18 months
you two have broken up for good!

This time it's for good!

Does this mean our
invitation to dinner's off then?

- Well of course it does!
- What's brought all this about?

You will not believe this.
She accused me of being childish!

- No?
- It's rue! Can you...

That's my top you're throwing about there!

Tonight was the last straw!

Really? What's she do tonight?
Step on your Scalextrix?

Derek, my marriage has broken up!
This is no time for sarcasm!

Alright, Rodney, alright.

Just calm down, finish your drink, then I'll drive you home
and we'll see if we can sort it out.

Del you don't understand, I'm not going back.
Me and Cassy have finished - for good!

Albert. Brandy.

Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later.
There'll be things to be discussed.

Yes, like who gets custody
of Barbie and Ken.

This is all one big bloody joke to you, innit?

It's just that you and Cassandra
are behaving like a couple of ten-year-olds!

You've broken up and gone back together
more times than JR and Sue Ellen.

Well, this time it's for good!
I'm staying here.

Albert, you'd better go and get some blankets and pillows,
and make up a bed for Rodney on the settee.

The settee? No, I'll kip in me old room.

No Rodney, you can't kip in your old room
because Raquel sleeps in there.

Sorry.

Why's Raquel in my room?
I thought you two were...

Excuse me a minute please, sweetheart.
Rodney! May I have a word with you in the boardroom?

- I thought you and Raquel...
- No.

- You mean you're not..?
- No.

- But she's been here over a fortnight.
- I know.

Must be a record.

Rodney, you came storming in just at the moment
I was asking Raquel if she would be kind enough

to consider stamping my card.

Well you just have to settle,
to say I'm back now

so like it or lump it, she's gotta kip with you.

No Rodney, you don't unserstand, do you?
Raquel is a lady. And when a lady is ready to...

- Well, when she's ready to she'll let me know.
- How?

She'll give me a sign or something.

Like what?

I don't know!

Perhaps she'll put an announcement
in the Sunday Sport.

All I know is that until that happens you'll be kipping
on the settee, and think yourself lucky!

Cheers mate. Anything's better than sleeping next
to a cold pair of shoulders.

- You gonna let him stay?
- I dunno sweetheart, I do not know what to do for the best.

Let the boy stay for a few days.

Cor, bless Del, I was starving.

Send him back to his wife.

I fought a war for you.

Look at that dipstick!

What's he think he's playing at?

He's had a little too much to drink,
that's all.

Since he walked out on Cassandra, he spent
every night on the h... on the booze.

You are worried about him, aren't you?

Course I am. Of course I'm worried about him.
I've spent most of my life bringing him up.

Michael Jackson's got Bubbles,
I got Rodney!

Can we have... Excuse me...
Oi! Can we have the same again?

This time make 'em large ones.

- It's your round, Rodney.
- Oh yeah, I suppose it is.

Christopher, I spy with my little eye
two ladies of the more mature variety.

Lonely housewives out on the pull.

- Leave me out of this.
- Yeah, we intended to, Rodney.

- I know you from somewhere, don't I?
- I wouldn't have thought so.

- He never forgets a face.
- Neither do I and I'd certainly remember you two!

- Did you go to the Dockside Junior school?
- No, I didn't.

Told you!

He thought you was our old headmistress!

He's lost a couple of days work
through hangovers this week already!

What d'you mean you're
sleeping on the settee?

It's true. Del's in his room
and Raquel's in my old room.

I thought Del Boy and her
were living together?

They are... sort of.

But they're not cohabiting,
They're not co-habiting in bed.

Del said as soon as he's
cracked the case, I can have my old room back.

Rodney, let me give you some advice.

I am a ladies hairstylist
and know intimately the working of the female mind.

Yeah, 'cos he's a woofter!

Be serious, Mickey! I hate it
when you do your Timmy Mallet impersonation!

Rodney, why don't you go home to Cassandra?

You had a nice flat, a good girl
and you've given it all up because of some stupid row!

If she wants to 'phone me and apologise
then I might consider it.

But she started it so she's gotta 'phone me first.

What you've gotta do, Rodney,
is make Cassandra jealous.

Yeah... Why?

Make her think other
women find you desirable.

Don't encourage Rodney to tell her lies!

That's right...
What d'you mean 'lies?

Listen to me, Rodney.
I always make a point of making women jealous.

The only time you ever made women jealous
was the night you won the last house at bingo.

Oh it's you, Derek!
Tell me, how's you and Raquel getting on these days?

Teriffic! Thank you very much Mickey.

What the bleedin hell
it's gotta do with you, I don't know.

Just concerned.

- You gonna buy us a drink, Del?
- Yeah alright.

Give the lads a drink and all, will ya?
Three coca-colas.

Rodney, a word with you.

- There you go sweetheart.
- Thanks.

Alright?

Go on Rodney. Sit yourself down.

I'll just... I won't be long.

So, you got the exhaust on
the van sorted out?

I booked it in for tomorrow.
You can take it down there for me.

Me?

You won't be going to work, will you?
Not after what you've shoved down your neck tonight.

So when your hangover's cleared up
you can take it down there for me.

I will be going a work tomorrow.
You can bet your last penny on that! Alright?

You've been out every night this week
on the booze!

I'm just seeing my mates, that's all.

Yeah, but why are there always the same mates?
Johnny Walker and Ron Bacardi?

You walked out
on Cassandra eight days ago.

You've made your point bruv.
About time you went back home.

Del, you've never even been married.
You don't know what it's like.

No, I've mucked about
enough to have a fair idea.

To Cassandra life is all drive and ambition.
I think she wants to rule the world.

No, she don't.
She just wants promotion at the bank.

Exactly! And it's that blinkerdness
that's driving away all her beautiful thoughts

she can't see them.

- What, you?
- Yeah.

I'll tell you, alright?
The other day it was her birthday.

So I bought her a pair of earrings
and a Shergal Farkey LP.

- A Shergal what?
- Sherkal Fargey... Fergal Sharkey, the singer.

And a pair of earrings.
They was nice earrings, but they was little.

There were very little earrings.
They were nice, but...

...very little!

She has a look at 'em and and she says,
'Thanks, Rodney. Aren't they little.'

No?

True as I stand here, stood there.
I suppose Mummy and Daddy used to buy her big presents!

Sometimes I wish I could meet another girl!

In your present condition you ought to think
about joining the Lonely Kidneys Club.

I think all and all this married life's been a bit of a let down
for young Cassandra! But I don't care!

It's no skin off my nose, is it?
Couldn't give a monkey's toss!

I love her, Del!

Shut up, you tart!

I haven't lived up to her
high expectations!

I'm gonna have words with your wife.

And I'm gonna tell her that size isn't important,
it's the thought that counts!

If you get involved, Del...
What d'you mean, 'size isn't important'?

Well, about them earrings!

Oh sod the earrings!
God, it makes me so angry!

I'm gonna find a little bloke
to have a fight!

And another thing, she never cooks for me!
She's always too busy!

- You can cook.
- Yeah, but I wanted her to do it.

What you wanted really
is Cassandra to make a fuss of you.

Yes!

Sit yourself down here.

- Look, she ain't your mum, Rodney.
- What d'you mean?

You never knew the joy of having a mum,
did you?

You were barely on solids
when the angels come and took her away.

I do remember her, sort of.
But it's...misty.

This blonde lady. She was there and then she wasn't.
Bit like the SDP really!

D'you wanna right-hander for a nightcap?
You show some respect, Rodney!

Del, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bring mum in...
I'm really sorry. God, what a life, eh?

My wife don't love me,
me mum's left me and some bastard's nicked me bike!

- I told you not to leave it out on the landing, didn't I?
- Yes, I know.

Don't be a defeatist.
These things are sent to try us.

Why don't you take a leaf out of my book, eh?
Happy go lucky, never let life get me down.

Use me as your role model.

You? You must be joking!
Anyway, I don't need a mole...

- A mole...
- Role! Role model.

Role... model.

I don't need one of them!
'Cause I am happy as I am!

- See you later.
- Yeah, alright.

- Any luck?
- No. I tried.

You're a very nice person, Derek Trotter.

Yeah, I know. It's one of my failures, that.
Always has been.

I think Rodney's a very confused young man.
Confused and maybe a bit frightened.

Frightened? What are you talking about?
He's a bloke!

I know. And even 'blokes' get frightened!
Everyone's frightened of something!

- Are they? What are you frightened of then?
- Shut up, you'll make me feel silly.

No, seriously. What you frightened of?
Go on, tell me. I promise I won't laugh.

The dark!

- In the day, you're frightened of the dark?
- Yeah!

Sometimes I lie in bed and the dark seems...
seems to be touching me.

Stupid, eh?

If you like, tonight when you're lying in bed...
in the dark... I could hold your hand.

OK. Thank you.

Come on then, drink up.

My reputation in this area
isn't as good as I'd like it to be.

So please don't tell anyone about this!
About us!

Of course, I won't.
What sort of bloke d'you think I am?

Raquel, this is between you and me.
This is between us!

Oi, Del. You going?
I'll see you later.

Rodney,
you can sleep in your own room tonight.

Nice one, Derek!

- Let's hear it for my man!
- Touchdown!

This is the six o'clock news from the BBC.

- What's that horrible racket?
- I'm listening to me radio.

I can't sleep with all that noise going on!

That's an amazing statement coming
from a man who slept through two world wars!

I didn't do any sleeping during the war, Rodney!
I was out there on the big waves.

Shell and fire, that was me.
They can make a film about my life story.

Three Men in a Dinghy!

So how you feeling now?
Has your hangover cleared up?

- I didn't have hangover!
- So why didn't you go to work this morning?

None of your business!
You're a nosey git, ain't you?

No wonder they kept throwing you
out of the lifeboat!

If that's the sort of rubbish
you listened to

it's no wonder your wife
chucked you out your house!

She did not chuck me out!
I left of my own accord.

She's praying for me to go back!

Spending a lot of time in church,
is she?

Maybe that's why she's never in
when Raquel phones her.

You're just tryin' to wind me up, ain't you?

No I'm not, son, honest...
They found your bike yet?

Get off my case, Albert!
I'm gonna get dressed!

You seen my slippers, Raquel?

You're wearing them, Albert.
What's wrong with Rodney?

He's slamming drawers
and banging things around in there!

I think he's still upset about him and Cassandra.

I've tried to give him a few words
of encouragement, but nothing seems to work.

At least you're trying.

- Where's that idiot?
- He's getting dressed.

- Are you alright, love?
- Yeah, I'm alright, sweetheart.

I'm just suffering from the old
executive burn-out. I could murder a drink.

Go on, sit down, I'll do it.

- Talk to you, in private.
- Yeah, alright Del.

- What about her?
- Don't worry about her, I'll think of something.

- Will a brandy do, Del?
- Yes, cushty!

On second thoughts, I'd like a nice mug of
decaffeinated coffee made in the percolator.

- But that takes ages!
- Yes, I know! But it's much healthier, innit?

Yeah, alright then.
D'you want a coffee, Albert?

I'll have that brandy, save wasting it.

What d'you wanna talk about then?

Well first I'd like to find out how my bottle
of Courvoesire manages to pour itself!

But that can wait. We got more
important things to discuss.

I've just had a word with a mechanic
from the Peckham Exhaust Centre.

Rodney took my van down this morning.
Apparently there's a new receptionist working there

by the name of Tania.

- and Rodney, the dipstick only asked her out on a date!
- You're kidding!

I wish I was, Unc, I wish I was!
I am disgusted with him!

What's this Tania girl look like?

Well I wouldn't say no! What I mean, is,
she's an attractive enough and she's a nice enough girl.

But that's not the point, is it?
If Rodney gets seen with this Tania sort

it's gonna break Cassandra's heart
and then Rodney's gonna find himself with the sack!

Yeah! And Alan won't do you anymore
of that cheap printing you flog to all your mates.

No! That's got absolutely nothing to do with it!

You said that's the only money
we've got coming into the flat!

I'm only concern is for Cassandra
of Rodney's future happiness.

Mind you that printing did bring in
a few bob, I must admit.

I've gotta think of a way
in which I can put Rodney off this bird!

So what you telling me for?

I don't know. I was hoping
you might come up with an idea.

Then again I was hoping that
Millwall would win the UEFA cup!

Wait a minute. I've got it.
I've got an idea!

When Rodney tells us about this date with this bird,
you and me have got to look absolutely horrified!

As though it goes against
the whole of the Trotter family's moral code.

- Oh, he'll never go for that!
- Yes, he will! You don't know him like I do.

He's coming. Now don't forget,
you gotta look horrified!

As though you've just seen a U-boat
off the starboard bow.

Not yet!

What's the matter with him?

I don't know. He's at the brandy, look.

Percolator's bubbling.
Fancy a coffee, Rodney?

No thanks, Raquel, I'm going out.

No! No!

- Where you going, Rodney? Anywhere nice?
- To the pictures.

That's it Rodney, that's it!

Your marriage is going down the Swannee
and you bugger off to the flicks. Very good.

- Why don't you just butt out, Del?
- Just as you like bruv, just as you like.

- Going on your own?
- No, I'm going with someone.

I'll whack you in a minute,
believe me!

Who are you taking?
Cassandra?

No, not Cassandra.
It's a girl.

- A girl?
- A girl?

Why d'you all keep repeating it?
You sound like Jive Bunny!

I met a girl called Tania and I asked her to the pictures.
What's wrong with that?

I don't believe I'm hearing this!
I just absolutely don't... Thank you, mine!

You're a happily married man.

Was a happily married man, Del.

Then we left the registry office
and the magic seemed to faint.

A happily married man
would be taking his wife to the pictures!

- Well, why don't you?
- What?

Take Cassandra. Give her a bell,
she might like to go.

There wouldn't be room in the van
for Tania and Cassandra.

I meant give Tania...
Will you shut up!

Won't work Del.
Even our tastes in films differed.

Cass used to like
heavy dramas and foreign films.

The Grapes of Wrath
and Fellini classics, all that sort of stuff.

- What are you going to see?
- Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

It weren't my choice.
Tania wants to see it.

Tania, Tania... Isn't that the old
bow-wow down at the exhaust centre?

Yeah! She said she...

What do you mean 'bow-wow'?
She's not a 'bow-wow'!

Do me a favour, Rodney,
it's like a Rottweiler with a wig!

Del, the Tania I'm talking
about is very pretty.

Have you clocked the hooter on it?

Me and Boycie had a bet once as to whether that was
her real nose or she'd had silicone injections.

Have you ever actually spoken to this person?

Yes, I said good morning to her once
but she didn't reply, she was too busy gnawing a bone.

I think what Rodney's trying to say, Derek,
is that maybe, just maybe,

this girl might have a nice personality.

- Has she?
- No, not really.

What are you going out with her for?

- He's heard of her reputation, ain't he?
- I don't care about...

Has she got a reputation?

She's lived with a few blokes.
A darts team I heard.

That is just the kind of old-fashioned,
chauvinistic attitude

that keeps women second-class citizens
in this country!

Listen Raquel, I'm doing this on purpose.

Sometimes you can be such a sexist!

You're not satisfied with tearing the poor girl
to shreds because she doesn't look like Kim Basinger!

Oh no, you've got to do a character assassination
because, in the past, she's done exactly the same as you!

Del's never lived with a darts team!

You don't understand Raquel, I'm doing for re...
I'll tell you later.

It's all very well for young men
to sow their wild oats.

The more the merrier, shows they're red-blooded!
But if a girl does the same thing she's a slut!

That's where you're wrong, Raquel!
Nowadays men can't sow their wild oats either.

We've all seen the film for AIDS
on the television.

That's my point, Rodney, you see?
Today women are very dodgy.

- Women are dodgy?
- No, no, not you sweetheart! It's the others.

How dare you lay the blame for a worldwide
epidemic at the feet of womankind!

Raquel, if feet were the problem
Doctor Scholl could find a cure!

I have never heard such stupid,
pig-ignorant views as yours!

- Get him on to politics, Raquel, it'll blow your mind!
- What did you say?

Derek, for your information
there is rather an ugly rumour going around.

Is there? Well introduce it to Rodney,
he'll take it to the pictures!

The rumour is that man is
the guilty party!

Sorry, but that is where you are wrong, Raquel,
you see?

On that commercial on the telly this bloke
walks into the disco, and then this bird comes...

To hell with the telly!
Let's get one thing clear, Derek!

Women played no part in the creation
of this plague! AIDS is like nylon, man-made!

You've upset her now!

I've upset her?
Riht, that's it, I'm outta here!

One little row and you think
your marriage is breaking up.

But it ain't, bruv. It ain't.
You can soon rekindle the old flame of passion.

All you gotta do is take her a bottle of champagne,
a nice bunch of flowers.

- That's a bit corny, innit?
- No, that's what I'd do.

- She goes to evening school tonight, anyway.
- She might cancel it for you.

You must be joking. Nothing gets in the way of her
and her stupid, rotten career!

Tryin' to rekindle the flame in my marriage
is like giving the kiss of like to a rasher of bacon.

Remember? He who dares wins?

All you gotta do is you go around there
and you apologize to her. You just say you're sorry.

And then she will say, she is sorry
to you.

Before you know where you are
you've made up,

you're more in love than you ever were before
and you might get a little bit!

Everyone's a winner! Tete de veau!

You might get a little bit!
Good God, it's like living with a Big Mac!

Thsnk you very much, just for that
you cannot take my van!

- Stuff your van, I will bus it!
- Good.

That's the thanks I get,
innit, eh?

Raquel, fancy going down the Nag's Head
for a few drinks?

- With a creep like you?
- Yeah.

- No thank you very much.
- Thank you.

What a life, eh? What a life!

Just a minute. That film he was talking about,
Honey I Shrunk the Kids. What cinema's is that on at?

The ABC in the high street.

And what's next door to that cinema?

Cassandra's evening school!
And tonight's the night that she goes.

But she might see Rodney
and this Tania girl queuing outside!

Exactly. That's the whole point of it, innit?
That Dippy Rodney is only trying to make Cassandra jealous.

He's taken the advice of that Mickey Pearce.

He's had about as much success
with women as you've had with boats.

I've gotta go round at Cassandra's and I've got
to try to persuade her not to go to the evening school.

Yes, that's the answer to that.
I'll see you later Unc.

- Del.
- Yeah, what is it, sweetheart?

I'm sorry.

Good. So am I.
So am I darling.

Can we, you know, 'talk'?

- I'll be as quick as I can.
- Well, you don't have to be!

No, no, I just gotta pop
out for a minute.

- But I wanted to 'talk'!
- Yeah, but this is very ery important, you see.

Oh well, please yourself!

Rodney's really upset her, ain't he?

- Hello?
- Cassandra? It's Del Boy.

Oh, hi Del. Pull the door.

Hi sweetheart. I was just passing,
thought I'd pop in and see how you were.

I'm fine. How are you?

Couldn't be better.
A bit choked to hear about you and Rodney though.

Yeah, well, it's just one of those things, eh?

Yeah, one of them things.
You off to evening classes again?

- Final exams in three weeks.
- Cushty!

- How's Rodney?
- Bearing up.

Have the police found his bike yet?

No. He's toying with the idea
of getting another one.

Where's he tonight?

- He popped out earlier.
- Oh, well, I hope he has a good time.

I mean, that's what he wants from life,
isn't it?

Cassandra, I know what he really wants, and deep down
in your heart of hearts, I think you do and all.

Well, he's only got to swallow
his stupid pride and ask.

I know. I've tried to talk to him
but I just can't get through to him.

Like my dear old Mum used to say,
'There's none so blind as them what won't listen.'

Very true!

Can't you two make it up somehow?

Oh it's impossible, Del. Rodney won't budge
an inch on any given subject.

He just fights me all the way.

He doesn't like going to the bank's social evenings,
he gets bored with my friends - and he shows it!

The other week I invited some colleagues round.
I cooked a lovely meal. I really tried hard, Del.

You're a smashing cook, Cassandra.

I remember that Moules Marinier that you made for us
last year. I can still taste it now.

Anyway, one hour after we'd finished eating
Rodney decided it was time they all went home.

So he started giving them subtle little hints
like yawning and checking his watch every 3 minutes.

Finally he started whistling
the national anthem.

Well, Rodney's never was
one for staying up late.

This was Sunday lunch!

Rodney's idea of socialising
is a night out at the pub with his mates.

What idiot wants to spend
their evenings down the Nag's Head?

Yeah, I mean who would?

Rodney's so immature. It's never going to work
between us until he learns to grow up.

You sure it's only him?

I'm not behaving childishly
if that's what you're suggesting.

- You haven't phoned him though.
- I'm not phoning him first! He started it!

Must have taken years of experience
to come to that decision.

These are nice earrings,
aren't they, Cassandra?

They're lovely, aren't they?
Rodney gave them to me for my birthday.

They're very little aren't they?

That's what I like about them. I don't want a pair
of chandeliers hanging from my ears.

These are perfect.

- But Rodney said...
- Rodney said what?

Nothing, nothing.
Forget it.

I don't believe these two! I'd get more sense out
of a crossed line with the Krankies!

Listen, I tell you what,
don't go to the evening classes tonight.

Why don't you come out for a meal
with me and Raquel.

You Dad told me about this great Chinese place,
they do a blinding Won Ton by all accounts.

Maybe some other time.
I really must go tonight.

I'll tell you what, I'll give you a lift,
and I'll drop you right outside the door.

But it's only 50 yards
from the car park.

Yes, I know, but you don't wanna walk past
that cinema queue!

- Why not?
- It'll be full of yobs and all that, won't it?

Just give me a minute,
I wanna ask you something. Sit down there.

Have you ever had a nightmare
that Rodney's been out with another girl?

No!

Well I have! Just for argument's sake, tell me
what would your reaction be if you did?

What, Rodney with another girl?

That wouldn't bother me.

Oh good, 'cos Rodney's taken
another bird to the pictures tonight.

He's done what?
No! Rodney wouldn't do that!

Yes he would. He's done it
to make you jealous, you see.

He was hoping for you to see him and this Tania bird
standing in the cinema queue.

- I said to him, Cassandra's far too intelligent to...
- Who the hell's Tania?

Tania, well... She's the girl from the...

It was just a silly disagreement,
that's all!

- I thought you said it wouldn't bother you!
- It doesn't! The bastard! I love him!

He loves you too!

Oh it looks like it!

We only had a row about badminton
and he's started an affair with another woman!

No he hasn't, he's only taking some tart
to see Honey I Shrunk the Kids!

I wanted to see that!

Oh God!

You're taking this very well, Cassandra.

Thanks for telling me, Del.

I couldn?t see you
walk into an ambush, could I?

- It's only a silly way of trying to get you back.
- Getting me back for what?

No, not getting you back for something!
Getting you back with him.

But I haven't gone anywhere!
I'm still here!

I know you have, sweetheart,
I know you are...

Don't forget it.
Don't go to evening classes tonight.

No, I'll go round
to my friend Emma's house.

That's a good idea. We'll keep
this just between ourselves, eh?

We won't tell the neighbours
or your Dad about it, will we?

Good girl, you know it makes sense.

- What time will you be back?
- I don't know. Late. Why?

I'll get Raquel to give you a ring,
to cheer you up a bit.

'Cause her marriage broke up and all...

What I mean is, she'll understand
what you're going through. That's all I meant.

- Are you alright sweetheart?
Yes, I'm alright.

- I gotta be away. I'll talk to you later.
- OK. And thanks, Del.

- You won't do anything silly, will you?
- No, I'm fine!

Lovely jubbly.

I didn't know what you were doing.

Bloody Korean rubbish! I wish I hadn't put these
'made in Britain' stickers on 'em now!

Sorry, what did you say, sweetheart?

Earlier this evening, When you
were saying those horrible things about women.

I didn't realise you were trying
to frighten Rodney out of his date.

Didn't work though, did it?

I couldn't see Rodney being unfaithful,
could you?

- No.
He's not that stupid, is he?

Yeah, he's stupid enough,
he just never has any success with birds!

That bloke has been blown out
more times than a wind sock!

During the war.

- Cor, look at the time.
- Midnight already.

A crewmate of mine, Sky Piggott,
died of a sexually related condition.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, his girlfriend's husband shot him!

I wish somebody shot you!

Trotters Independent Traders.

- Del? It's me.
- You, is it, Rodney? What do you want?

- I've been thinking.
- Have ya?

Hang about, I'll call a press conference
for tomorrow morning.

Del, listen. I ain't been drinking.
See?

Are you sure?
No you haven't. Go on then.

I've been doing a bit of growing up.
And I've realised that you were right and I was wrong.

There you are, you see?I know I was right!
I told you I was right, but you wouldn't listen.

I did listen! I've bought some champagne
and roses for Cassy.

That's a bit corny and a bit late!

You should have thought that before
you took this Tania bird to the pictures.

- You can't turn the clock back, Rodney.
- No, I didn't take Tania out.

It doesn't really matter
where you took her, you see.

You didn't take Tania out?

No. I thought of all the things you said.
So I phoned her and told her I was a married man.

And I told her I was still very much
in love with my wife...

Does it sound a bit yukky?

Yes. Yes, Rodney,
that sounds absolutely horrible.

Then I thought, why am I saying all this
a total stranger? I should be telling my wife!

So that's what I'm gonna do.

Yeah, that's t'riffic Rodney!
But...

Listen, don't go round back to the flat right?
'Cause Cassandra isn't in, you see.

I know, I'm back at the flat now.
I'll just wait for her. Who's hurrying, eh?

He's back at the flat?
You're back at the flat now, are you?

Listen, Rodney.
I've gotta tell you something.

- You've done enough for me for one day Del.
- Listen Rodney, I've got to say something to ya!

- There's something I want to say to you, Del.
- What is it?

I Love you, Del Boy!

You dipstick!

- What's happened?
- Rodney, He's only gone back to his flat, ain't he?

Well that's good - isn't it?

No, it is not good, Raquel.
It is very very ungood!

I can't get through.
He must have taken the phone of the hook!

Perhaps the line's engaged.

The only thing that's engaged
is Rodney's hormones!

I don't understand this. You've been telling Rodney
to go back to Cassandra for ages.

Yes, I know that. That was before he took Tania
to see Honey I Shrunk the Bloody Kids!

But you just said Rodney
didn't take Tania out!

Yes, he didn't! But, you see, Cassandra,
she thinks he did!

What makes her think that?

I don't know, do I?
Someone must have told her, I suppose.

Oh, Del, you didn't?

I couldn't help it.
I was only doing it for her!

I couldn't see the poor little mare
walk past the cinema queue

and see her husband groping
Miss Kwik-Fit, could I?

I didn't want to see Cassandra hurt,
I mean she's family.

I'm gotta go round their flat
and see if I can catch Cassandra

and say to her that I made a mistake.
And do it before she sets eyes on that wally!

Why does he have to interfere?

It's his nature.
Still, proves his heart's in the right place.

Pity about his brain.

I've come home!

You..!

Cassandra, will you just give me a minute
to explain?

Get out of here Rodney.
Go to bloody Tania, or whatever her name is.

Tania? I don't know anyone called Tania!
Is that a man or a woman?

Oh, don't try and deny it Rodney.
Del told me all about the two of you.

Well he is lying!

- She works for the Peckham Exhaust Centre!
- Lovely evening, innit?

- Shall I get a vase for them roses?
- Stuff the roses!

Cass, if you just calm down for one minute
you'd realise this was all a big mistake!

Our marriage was a big mistake!

Cass, we always said, if we had a problem
we would sit down...

Just bugger off, Rodney!

She's back then?

Why, Del? Why did you tell her?

I had to, Rodney.
To save her from any pain.

And what about me? She's just whacked me
in the shin with her badminton racquet!

- Don't you raise your voice...
- It's gone midnight!

Well, go back to bed then!

Just calm yourself down, alright?

You! You of all people grassed me up!
And you grassed me for something I didn't even do!

Have you any idea what Cassandra's reaction
would have been if she'd seen you with that Tania?

Yes, she's just given me
a bloody good example of it!

I wasn't gonna take Tania out!

I'd changed me mind
before I got to the bottom of the lift!

I just made a stupid threat
out of anger and frustration!

- You said...
- I know what I said!

But there's a world of difference
between saying and doing, isn't there?

If I'd gone to the police every time you said
you were gonna kill me

you'd still be slopping out in Parkhurst!

Thanks to you my wife now thinks I'm having
a passionate affair with the siren of the exhaust centre

and you've offended my neighbors!

- People are trying to sleep!
- Shut up!

Calm down, just calm down, alright?
Alright, fair enough. I'm sorry.

Sorry?

Yes, I'm sorry!

- Is there anything I can do to help?
- Yes, piss off!

You just listen to me,
you ungrateful little dipstick!

I struggle over here in the middle of the night
just to help you. And I was on a promise!

And you listen to me.
I don't want your help!

I don't want your favours,
your assistance or your advice!

I don't want nothing off you
for the rest of my life!

I was only tryin' to do
the best for Cassandra and you.

Yeah, and make sure
you got all that printing done on the cheap!

You don't really believe that,
do you, Rodney?

Probably not.

See you.

- Del!
- What?

- I've locked myself out!
- Done what?

I've left my key upstairs!

Press the buzzer on the intercom
and tell Cassandra.

She won't let me in!

No, I know, but it might cheer her up a bit.

This whole thing hasn't gone
quite as well as I hoped.

That's jealousy for you, bruv!
Very dangerous thing.

We've naused it right up, ain't we?

So, what's new?

What am I gonna do, Del?

Come on, Rodney. Come on.
Let's go home.

Subtitles by
NVL