One Tree Hill (2003–2012): Season 6, Episode 12 - You Have to Be Joking (Autopsy of the Devil's Brain) - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on One Tree Hill:

[GASPS AND SCREAMS]

Do you know what's missing?

Cash from the register
and the sketches for my new line.

I don't trust you or like you.

So how about
you stay out of my bed...

...and stay away from Marvin.

You convince Lucas to do the movie.

You'll make it the movie
he wants it to be?

- Absolutely.
QUENTIN: Hey, Nate.

I'm happy to be a part of it, man.



What's that?

- The comeback.
- Don't call it a comeback, man.

[GRUNTS]

XAVIER:
A little old man and I fell out

I'll tell you what it was all about

He had money and I had none

And that's the way the noise begun

JAMIE: Seventy-four.
- You sure?

Yep. Seventy-four inches, Daddy.

- 6'2".
- I can measure it again.

No, it's okay.
I've been 6'2" since I was 17.

Is that bad?

Well, if I was 6'5" I might be
in the pros by now.

What if you were 8-foot-5?



I'd probably be dead of heart failure.

Well, I think 6'2" is perfect.
Heck, I'd settle for 4'2".

Well, you can thank your short-pants
mom for that.

He got some good stuff.

Like the piano he's gonna rock
at the talent show tonight. Huh? Huh?

- Are you gonna be there, Daddy?
NATHAN: I wouldn't miss it.

I wish I could come with you today.

I know. I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you all about it, okay?

And this idea you have.
That's what you want to do?

It's what I have to do.

Sam. Breakfast.

Hi.

He spent the night
in your bed. In my house.

Well, I thought it was about
time a guy stayed here.

Watch yourself.

Look, he's my friend, and he lives
with his brother and he just...

He beats on him sometimes,
and he needed a place to crash.

Okay.

And does this half-nude window-fleeing
friend have a name?

Jack Daniels.

John "Jack" Daniels.

You expect me to believe a boy...

...named after the
rock band drink of choice...

...spent the night in your bed
and nothing happened?

Dude. I'm, like, 15.

Like that matters. When I was 15...

Never mind.

Tell me when
someone is staying in my house.

And if your friend
needs a place to crash again...

...he can sleep on the couch.

Now, just go do something.

Hi, Luke.

I'll stay on the movie
because it matters to me.

But you and I are not friends.
And you and Peyton aren't anything.

How is our girl Peyton?

DOCTOR: And how long have you been
experiencing this pain?

PEYTON: A few days.
- Any history of diabetes in the family?

- Ulcers?
PEYTON: Um... No.

DOCTOR:
Cancer?

PEYTON: My birth mother died of cancer.
Why? What's the face that you're making?

DOCTOR:
I just want to run some tests.

JULIAN:
Consider it a test.

You fly to Los Angeles
and while you're gone...

...if Peyton doesn't
fall in love with me again...

...then you'll know
you two were meant to be.

You're a dick, you know that?

Listen, the truth is,
this guy's an A-list director...

...he's got several offers,
and you need to meet with him.

- Today.
- Why?

Because we'd be equal
partners on this movie...

...and I need you to sign off on him.
- And what are you gonna do?

I'm producing a movie, Luke.
Contrary to popular belief...

...l'm not staying in town
to hit on your fianc?e.

It's your book.

[BLOWS]

What?

You just froze there, halfway out the
window. You looked like such a dork.

You didn't set the alarm.

Whatever. She thought
we were doing it. As if.

What do you mean "as if"?
A lot of girls would do it with me.

Yeah, but those girls
are called prostitutes.

Why?

Hi. Producer guy, right?

Orphan girl, right? From the concert.

- Sam.
- Julian.

I know. You can help me.

Good. You can help me too.

So, what happens at this?
What do you call it?

A combine. Coaches and scouts from
the pro teams come watch you play.

And they pick you for the NBA?

They pick you for the leagues right
before the NBA. You find them yet?

No. Hey, I think you
should wear the number 12 next.

- Why?
- I don't know. I like the number 12.

It's what I'll wear when
I'm in the pros.

- All right.
- Okay, I found them.

Oh, good.

These are really ugly, Dad.

They made a few models.
Just pick one you like, knucklehead.

Okay.

Your mom's excited you're playing
the piano at the talent show.

- I know.
- You don't sound very pumped up.

I just kind of wanted to tell jokes.

Dude, I've heard your jokes.
Trust me, stick with the piano.

But the song is a kiddie song,
and I'm not very good at it.

Well, all you can do is the best you can,
all right? That's all that matters.

Speaking of which, are you telling me
you can't find those shoes?

I found the shoes a long time ago.
I just like it up here.

[CHUCKLES]

- We found the shoes.
- Yay.

- You all set?
- Yeah.

All right.
I'll see you at the talent show.

Go be great.

- Love you.
- Love you.

JAMIE:
Daddy.

All you can do is your best, okay?

You want some coffee
with that sugar?

How do you take yours?

I don't. Never touch the stuff.

So you said I could help you out.
How so?

I was thinking maybe you could read
some of the stuff I wrote.

You're a screenwriter.

I write things. I get a little
pissed off sometimes, you know?

Okay. Tell me about Brooke Davis.

Dude, I am so not
hooking you two up.

No, no. Her clothing line.
Is she any good?

Yeah. I think you'd be lucky to have her.
For the movie, right?

That's why you're asking?

Give me your phone.

This is my number. I'm happy to read
anything you wanna send me.

You'd do that? I mean,
I just kind of heard you're a dick.

I am. But maybe
I'll read something I can steal.

I got this.

Hey. Is she single? Brooke?

No.

Yeah.

You know, I'm betting
you're actually nice.

And I'm betting you're not bitter.
Keep writing, Sam.

She's out of your league, my brother.

MILLICENT: I told Gigi to stay away
from Marvin, and then...

...she's hugging him
in the parking lot.

What were you doing
in the parking lot?

Spying.

What am I supposed to do?
She's a horny college party girl.

Millie, he's amused by her.

So I don't want a guy
who's amused by someone like that.

Okay.

I know those girls
because I've been those girls.

And all guys are amused by it.

It doesn't mean anything.
Mouth is not gonna fall for that.

He's not.

Trust me, she's harmless.

You ever think about having sex
on the news desk?

- No. Maybe. What are you doing?
- Well, the news team is on location...

...so Chris said I could have my
going-away party in here tonight. 6:30?

I have to go
to Jamie's talent show.

I'm totally not having my going-away
party without you. Please?

One drink. I wouldn't miss it.

PEYTON:
You're gonna have to miss it.

Peyton, come on.

You have to get back into the studio.

Mia, I'm being very serious, okay? I'm so
proud of you. The first record did great.

But our friend, John...
Who I do not have a thing for.

- Is getting very impatient
for the next one.

So just tell me that you have been
working on the demos I asked you to do.

- Peyton, I've had a lot going on.
- Okay. Fine.

How many songs do you have?

I have a couple ideas.

All right.

The label would like for you
to listen to this.

- What for?
- Because there are some very talented...

...expensive songwriters on there...

...and they want you
to pick a track to record.

- But I write my own songs.
- Apparently not.

Apparently you write a couple ideas.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Hello?

Hi. Oh, Luke, hi honey, I'm sorry.

No, no, no.
I was just expecting another call.

Yeah, no I had to leave
really early this morning.

Um, I had a... Like, a meeting with a band.

Can you hold on one second? Okay.

Please, just listen to that.

Hi. Okay.

Sorry.

L. A? Why are you going to L. A?

MAN:
Feel it, man. All right.

Okay, you take care.

CO ACH:
Name and affiliation.

Nathan Scott. University of Maryland.

Professional affiliation.

Who invited you to the combine?

No one did, sir.

These are professional tryouts, son.
Invitation only.

I understand that. Look, I was an
all-American at Maryland last season...

...and I was just hoping that...

Look, this is kind of my last shot.

Didn't you get thrown
through a window?

Please.

I'm sorry. You can't be here.

Nathan.

He's with us.

You better go suit up.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[SIMPLE MINDS' "DON'T YOU" PLAYING]

[TURNS VOLUME UP]

Oh, wow.

- Breakfast Club. You were the priss.
- Let me guess. You were the stoner?

If you say so. They end up together.

Can I help you?

You should design the wardrobe
for the movie.

I'm not a costume designer.

- Oh. I can see that.
- I'm starting a new line.

Lookit, let me try this again.

You design the wardrobe
for the movie.

You were there, it's authentic,
it's press worthy...

...l'd have you before
the debut of your line...

...which I'm sure is
going to be fabulous.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Sorry.

Hello? Yes, this is me.

It is too me.
Listen, I'm with Brooke right now.

No, I'm not gonna blow it.
Am not. No, I'm not.

Sorry. Sam says hi.

- Sam, my Sam?
- Mm-hm.

Why does my Sam
have your phone number?

- She has an interest in the film industry.
- She is 15, you pervert.

Okay. Just wrap your head around it,
okay? You and the movie, I mean.

Not me and Sam.
She's only 15, you know. You pervert.

Hey, man. Whose shoes are those?

Mine.

I know that, but I'm saying, who else's
shoes are they? Ray Allen? KG?

I heard what you asked,
I meant what I said. They're mine.

Whatever you say, baller.

Kid got his own shoe contract,
but he's still trying out for the B league.

Don't matter none, anyhow.

Ain't nobody gonna give no roster spot
to no fool with no green elf shoes on.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, man, let me see those things,
Riddler.

CO ACH:
Thirty-seven inches.

You get a close enough look?

CO ACH:
Ten, 11, 12...

...13, 14, 15...

...16, 17.

Three point one.

Shame how you've let yourself go,
Nate.

SAM: You were kind of skanky, weren't you?
- What?

In school. You acted weird this morning
because you were having sex at 15.

- I was not.
- You were too.

Is that where Clothes Over Bros
came from? Tired of being the dirty girl?

Because you're a bit of a prude now.

First of all, shut it.

Second of all, if I have been
a little frigid lately...

...it's probably because I...

...was attacked in my store.
Not long before you moved in.

And it's made me a little closed off.
Especially with boys.

Oh, my God, Brooke, did he...?

No. No.

But I've been really angry about it.

And I have a whole other set of issues
with Owen.

And I'm trying to let it all go,
and I just wanted you to know.

Because I just wanted you to know.

- Okay?
- Okay.

And, yeah. For the record,
I was pretty slutty in high school...

...and I wish I hadn't been because you
don't get to take any of that back.

SAM:
Brooke.

I like talking to you.

Thanks, Sam. I like talking to you too.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hi. Uh...

- I'm...
- Lucas Scott.

"And in that moment he realized
it's not what you are...

...or who you are, but...

...who they allow you to be."

That is good writing.

Really good writing.

I love this script. I love it.

JAMIE:
I don't want to come out.

HALEY:
Come on, buddy. I wanna see you.

JAMIE:
No. I look like a tool.

James Lucas Scott.

You look so awesome.

I look like a penguin.

You look cute. Now, come over here,
and we will go over this song again.

So cute.

[PLAYING]

[PLAYS OFF-KEY]

- Sorry. I always mess that up.
- It's okay.

- You nervous?
- A little.

Yeah. You definitely get that from me.

I wonder how Daddy's doing.

I remember now.
You played at Maryland, right?

Got into a scrape right before the draft.
Man, you that fool.

MAN:
6'5" and a quarter.

You hear that?
Point guard, 6'5" and a quarter.

Thank you, God and my mama.

Nathan Scott, ladies and gentlemen.

- 6'2".
- Ohh. 6'2" shooting guard.

Are there any scouts out here
for the YMCA rec league?

[LAUGHING]

All right, all right. Gentlemen.

Divide you up
into groups and let you play.

Point guards on my right,
two guards, left.

Forwards and centers other end
of the court. Show us what you got.

Let's go, fellas.

Nathan.

Two guards over here.

I'm trying out as a point guard.

Okay, but you ever
played the point?

I never played point guard in my life.

Better learn because you
too short to play the two in the pros.

Bro, you're 6'2".

And I was also 12 hours away from
being an NBA Lottery pick, you idiot.

You sure wouldn't have made it.

- You gotta move to the point.
- You're out of your mind.

- Nobody's ever told me this before.
- Well, I'm telling you now, all right?

And anyways, they all get
their commission when you sign.

Ain't like nobody gonna risk their
10 percent by telling you the truth.

Huh?

Now, look Nate, yo,
if you can make it...

...by playing against taller guys
at the two, man, all good.

But if you can't,
we work on your handle...

...we work on your quickness,
and we make damn sure...

...you got the best shot
of playing pro ball.

Why are you doing this for me, Q?

This ain't just your dream, man.

So work on that left.

NATHAN:
Numbers are funny.

They can measure you, time you,
analyze you all they want...

... but they all know what really matters
is how you play the game.

He thinks I've lost a step because of
my accident so he's gonna play me tight.

I haven't.

[WHOOPING]

MAN 1: Good, man.
MAN 2: Nice job.

NATHAN: Now he'll back off because he
doesn't wanna get beat off the dribble.

Just a half step.

That's a mistake.

You ever heard the expression
"They can't measure heart"?

Well, the truth is,
they can't measure any of it.

Heart, want, need.

They think I can't play point guard.

But Q knew I could.

You can't measure a dream.

GIGl: Mouth, you made it.
Here, you better catch up.

You're like the devil, you know that?

No, just devilish.

- What's that?
- Just a little going-away present.

Oh, it's the T-shirt I slept in after
I threw up and passed out in your bed.

It's so sweet.

You never told me
how you got me into this T-shirt, Mouth.

Maybe sometime
you can get me out of it.

- Is this your first script?
- Yeah.

Don't worry, I'll fix it.

- Is there something wrong with it?
- No.

I love it. I said I love it, and I love it.

I had a couple thoughts, that's all.

Okay. Um, like what?

All right. Clear your head.

All right. What if Haley...

...dies.

- You're serious.
- I'm saying, think about it.

People love that stuff.
Man, DiCaprio died in Titanic.

That is gold, baby. Gold.

- Yes, but it didn't happen.
- It doesn't matter. Let me ask you this:

- Who goes to see this movie?
- L...

The same little bitches who went
and saw Titanic. Young girls, man.

They don't have a voice.

But when they find something
that speaks to them...

...we're talking box office, baby.
You're king of the world. Phew!

Even so, Haley can't just die.

You got a vision.

I can respect that.

What about this:

What if Lucas and Haley get married?

I'm serious,
because if there's one thing I know...

...it's that the audience gets crazy
over who ends up together.

Huh?

It's what I do, Luke. It's what I know.

Think about it.

I thought about it.

And I'm not interested.

You couldn't have told me that
over the phone?

Well, that, yeah, but the rest of this
I wanted to say to your face.

I don't trust you.

Not with Peyton
and definitely not with Sam.

And that is not gonna get you anywhere.
The grin.

I'm sure it's gotten you in a lot of doors
and in a lot of beds...

...but it's not gonna do you
any good with me.

Listen, Brooke, when I make a movie,
I set the bar as high as I possibly can.

I put together my wish-list cast,
my wish-list crew, my wish-list designer.

And sometimes, you know,
the timing works out...

...the material works out,
and you get lucky.

Sometimes you don't.

Good luck with everything.

I didn't listen to him.

I write my own songs.

Mia, I am not
in the best mood right now...

...and so it is a very bad time for you
to make some naive little stand.

Do you think I'm naive?

Peyton, I am not the same girl
who left on tour last year, okay?

God, I hope that's not true,
because I liked that girl.

As a matter of fact, I loved that girl.

Oh really?
Then what happened to protecting her?

What happened to telling the label to be
patient because my songs are great?

Oh, I've been doing that.
I have been doing that for months now.

But what happened
to actually doing the work, Mia?

Now, the label wants you
to record this song because they care.

When they stop caring,
that's when we have a problem.

- Well, I'm not gonna do it.
- You are being so ungrateful.

Do you understand? I put my ass
on the line for you every single day.

Well, I put my ass on the line
for you every single night, Peyton.

Okay? Literally.
Did you see how short that skirt was...

...that you put me in
at the USO show?

But I did it.

I've done everything you've asked me
to do, but I am not gonna do this.

Hey.

I'm not sure you should be
on this label anymore.

Life's too short.

Trust me.

[APPLAUSE]

[PIANO PLAYING]

- Man, Madison's really killing it.
- I knew I should've told jokes.

Seriously.

You're hosed.

- [WHISPERS] Hi.
- [WHISPERS] Hey.

You smell like alcohol.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Is it bad?
- No. Do you have any with you?

No.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

BROOKE [WHISPERS]:
Hey. Look who we found.

HALEY:
Hey.

- Hi.
MILLICENT: Hi.

NATHAN: Hi, Mouth. Hey, baby.
HALEY: Hey, baby.

How did it go?

I did what my son told me to.
The best I could.

- Here he comes.
- He looks so cute.

He looks nervous.

Hi. My name is James Lucas Scott,
and I'm gonna play "The First Noel."

He's just gotta get past
this first part and he'll be good.

[PLAYS OFF-KEY]

[PLAYS OFF-KEY]

Oh, no.

This is awkward.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

How's everyone doing tonight?

[CHEERS]

Last week, my mom asked me
how I liked going to school.

I told her not as much as I like
coming home from it.

And seriously,
what's with the cafeteria food?

I mean, I can't tell if kids are out sick
from eating that stuff...

...or we're actually eating the kids
who are out sick.

Take my hot lunch. Please?

And now the big finish.

Something like that.
What do you want from me? I'm 5.

Thank you and good night.

MAN: Yeah!
- Whoo!

Whoo!

Should've gone to Jamie's talent show
with Brooke.

You're kidding, right?

I like them. They're nice to me.

It's funny how you stole from
Brooke Davis and called her a bitch...

...and now you like her.

I was pissed off. So what?

What'd you say
after she caught you shoplifting?

You said she was a rich bitch,
someone should put her in her place.

So?

You said someone
should put her in her place, Sam.

So tell me again why Lucas
has to end up with Peyton.

Because they do.
Because that's the story.

- Because that's what happens.
- It's a movie.

You gotta raise the stakes.

Kill off one of the younger characters.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Hello.

Hi, doctor, it's me.

What does that mean?

BROOKE:
What's wrong?

After you caught me shoplifting,
I was with my friends...

...and I said some terrible things
about you.

Okay.

Sam, what happened?

Don't, please. Just don't.

I didn't mean them. I didn't...

I didn't mean any of it.

It's just... But...

Sam, I'm sorry, I don't understand.

[SCREAMS]

The attack.

It was my fault.

Bourbon is a good honest drink,
you know?

Classier than whiskey,
less of a stick-up-its-ass than Scotch.

I'm an alcoholic.

Owen, has Sam been in here tonight?

No. Why, what's wrong?

We had a thing and she left,
and I let her go, and I shouldn't have.

- It's okay. Here, have a seat.
- No, I have to find her.

OWEN:
Brooke, come on, she's a teenager.

She's not even your teenager.

And what is that supposed to mean?

I'll let you two...

- Julian, if she calls you...
- It's not my problem.

Look...

I just mean, it's not like she's
gonna stay with you forever, right?

What is wrong with you?

I came here because I need your help.

But... I mean, you know Sam.
She'll turn up.

No.

It's different this time.

But with you, it's exactly the same.

Hey, Brooke.

That's not fair.

I have to find her.

But I'll do it by myself,
just like I always do.

Don't call me anymore.

[SIGHS]

So how about we rent a movie
and then we can...

I was looking for the number
for the pizza place.

Oh, no. No, no, Millie, it's not...

It's not what it looks like?

This isn't a half-naked picture of your
ex-girlfriend in one of your T-shirts?

She sent it to me tonight.
It was a joke.

Millie, please. There is nothing
going on between us, I swear.

- I was gonna delete it...
- But you didn't.

You know what?

You're an idiot.

MOUTH:
Millie, don't go, please.

It doesn't mean anything.

You're wrong, Marvin.

It means everything.

How funny was your son tonight?

Oh, he was goofy like his mom.

I think he was brave like his dad.

So, what's next with our comeback?

Well, what's next is
the phone's gonna ring.

And the answer is either gonna be
a yes or a no.

It's going to be a yes.

I hope so.

But if it's a no,
then this is the end of it.

And I'm okay with that.

Rough night, Millie?

Horrible.

Yeah. Me too.

You know,
I haven't had a drink in over eight years.

Tonight that's gonna change.

I haven't had sex in over 22 years.

But tonight, that's gonna change.

- Thank you.
- Hey.

- Hey, any luck?
- No. Are you looking for her too?

I'm not that guy, Brooke.
I'm just getting coffee, sorry.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for someone.
A young girl that comes in here a lot.

She's kind of a skater, sarcastic.

Let me guess: Her name is Sam,
and she puts a lot of sugar in her coffee.

- You've seen her?
- No, but that cute guy that just left...

...asked me the same exact thing.

BROOKE:
Thanks.

And then he got worried
and he backed off just a half step.

So, what do you think I did?

- Pulled up for three, nothing but net.
- That's right.

You know, I'm proud of you, buddy.

You took something that would've
beaten most people and you kept going.

You turned it into something great.

So did you, Daddy.

All right, Chris Rock,
I know you're still wired...

...but it's time to go to bed.

How about a nursery rhyme?

Okay, but you're
gonna have to read it.

You want an old-school creepy one
or a new one?

- Old-school creepy.
- Okay.

Okay.

Where did we leave off?

There. Gentle.

JAMIE: A man of words and not of deeds
Is like a garden full of weeds

And when the weeds begin to grow
It's like a garden full of snow

And when the snow begins to fall
It's like a bird upon the wall

And when the bird away does fly
It's like an eagle in the sky

And when the sky begins to roar
It's like a lion at the door

Hi.

I have to tell you something.

JAMIE: And when the door begins to crack
It's like a stick across your back

And when your back begins to smart

Hey.

You okay?

JAMIE:
It's like a penknife in your heart

Sam, this is my brother, X.

Have a nice night.

Having a bad night?

JAMIE: And when your heart begins to bleed
You're dead and dead

XAVIER:
And dead indeed.

[ENGLISH SDH]