One Night in... (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Alton Towers - full transcript
This Christmas, Channel
4 have gained access
to the most famous
toy shop in the world,
Hamleys in London.
We're getting a peek
behind the curtain
of the 54,000-square foot store,
which stocks nearly half a million
toys spread over seven floors.
The shoppers have gone home, and
we've got the keys to the store.
Look who we're sending
in for the night...
RUBBER TOY BELLOWS
comedians Romesh Ranganathan,
Rob Beckett and Tom Allen.
Let's do this.
HE SCREAMS
Oh, something snapped!
Rob is annoying when you've
had a full night's sleep.
ROB GUFFAWS
I think Tom's going to make
us do a lot of role play.
Argh!
Am I having an anxiety dream?
Why are we eating
this wooden pizza?
I'm a little bit nervous.
Whoa, whoa!
I think they're going to
probably be quite physical.
What are you doing?
Ow!
Maybe quite violent.
That is out of order, Tom.
Oh! ROB GUFFAWS
I haven't stayed up very
late for a long, long time,
so I guess let's hope
that Tom and Rob survive.
Three mates,
one massive toy shop...
Stop it!
no grown-ups.
Tom, are you all right?
This is One Night In Hamleys.
In chilly December on
a quiet London street,
three shadowy figures
have arranged to meet
for a night full of magic
and reindeer and Santa,
but first to exchange
the true gift of banter.
Hello.
All right?
Yeah.
Started the conversation
quite far away.
ROMESH LAUGHS
Oh, no beard!
What's happened to you?
You look like a baby.
I sort of made a decision I
regret, to be honest with you.
My children... won't come near me
because of the beard thing. Really?
It does feel like I've ordered a
Romesh Ranganathan comedian from China,
and this is what's turned up.
He looks not really...
It's like counterfeit.
You look like you're going
to see Christmas FC away.
You've got a very Brian
Harvey kind of vibe.
Thank you. Yeah.
I'm going to stay now.
Right, should we... Let's go.
Yeah, after you, Tom.
After you, Tom. Thank you!
Rob, Romesh and Tom are about
to spend an entire night
unsupervised inside the
oldest toy shop in the world.
Oh, this is exciting, isn't
it? Very nice. How about that?
As a kid, I would
wander round toy shops
just looking for stuff
that related to food,
like a Breville
sandwich toaster.
That to me as a child
would be a great present.
Hello, Mr Hamley? Oh.
LAUGHING: Mr Hamley!
Our Covid-tested mates have the
entire store all to themselves,
and I mean all to themselves.
This is exciting. It
is exciting, innit?
Oh, there's a way back out?
We've locked them
in till morning.
What better way to
release their inner child?
I was a fat child,
and we were poor.
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
I'd just play with the
most expensive toy,
one that I wouldn't have been able to
afford and just absolutely rinse it.
Are they just saving
money on night security?
As a child, my favourite toy was
probably my stationery set from WHSmith's
because I could use that to
write my thank-you notes,
always my favourite
bit of Christmas.
It's lavender oil to
help you sleep. Oh.
I'm fine.
I wasn't very good at
playing when I was a child,
and I think this is a really good opportunity
for me to challenge myself to get better at
just sort of loosening up
and just having some fun.
LAUGHING: I can't get
used to your face!
Excuse me, have you seen
Romesh? He's our friend.
Um, a couple of creepy
things... Go on.
Well, first of all, we are
completely alone in the store.
That's not creepy.
The other creepy thing is I just walked
round here to come back to see you. Yup.
Everything was off except for
one solitary gerbil in a ball,
just sort of...
moving, sort of... It was
actually quite terrifying.
What's everybody brought with them?
Go on, then, what have you got?
I've got an inflatable
bed for later.
Why have you got that?
You're planning on just going to
sleep? We're gonna come here...
I'll be honest with you.
I've got two children at
home that get up at 5am.
They wake up a lot in the night, and I know
we've sort of gone to quite a lot trouble,
but I'm planning on
getting 8-10 hours' sleep.
8-10 hours?
And that'll power me through
the rest of the month...
So, you're going to have
to go to bed quite soon.
I'm surprised you're awake now.
You've barely walked in the
door, and you've set up your bed.
I get no sleep at home, so I'd
rather sleep on the floor of a shop.
That's where my life
is at the moment.
No chance, pet.
Let's set some ground
rules for tonight.
Oh. Oh, there's a phone.
"Welcome to your One
Night In together.
"There are just a few rules
to follow while you are here.
"Please leave the
store as you found it.
"If you break it,
you pay for it."
BOTH: Oh, OK.
Rob. Yep?
"Sleeping is cheating."
Thank you!
He totally put lavender on me!
It's like having a sleeping tablet,
that. I'm already feeling sleepy.
Not really.
It's not... Like, you can't
get addicted to lavender oil.
We've also got a few
things up our sleeves
to keep the boys on
their toes. PHONE CHIMES
Oh, another one.
"When you are given a challenge,
you must complete it."
OK. OK.
I'm actually terrified
of all of these toys.
I feel like I'm in some sort of nightmare
where they might all come to life,
and all I've got to battle them is the
most miserable man in comedy, Romesh.
Oh, my God, guys!
Teacher. He's teaching about...
I'm not being teacher!
Such a teacher!
And then, Rob, who,
when you think about it,
actually looks like some sort of
hideous toy that's come to life.
♪ It's the most wonderful... ♪
Do you want to look at
boomerang? Do we like this?
Oh, how much is it?
I don't care. Come on, we
don't give a crap, mate!
My memories of coming into
Hamleys were like, you'd walk in,
somebody would do a magic
trick and it'd be incredible,
and people'd be like, "Oh,
my God, that guy's so cool."
That never happened to me.
I'm not good at anything,
and so I would like to, at some
point tonight, find something
that I'm actually good at.
♪ Ding, dong, ding, dong... ♪
That was pathetic.
MUSIC STOPS
Are you OK? Not your other eye!
THEY LAUGH
How have you managed
to get it on his head?
I don't know how. I did my best.
We look like two rich kids who
got the butler to play with us.
I do feel like I'm in
my... Do it, Giles! Do it!
Mummy, Mummy! Giles just
threw the boomerang!
Then he's going to
get us warm milk!
Oh, this is why I'm not allowed
to play with the other boys!
Giles, you're going to lose your job for
this. We're going to get Daddy to sack you.
I'm concerned about whatever
you break, you pay for.
Did you tear yours? I thought I
was trying to be like you guys.
That's what... That's £5.
Well done, Tom.
I'm keeping a little tally,
and Romesh and Tom are
two Frisbees ahead of me,
so whatever the total cost is,
I don't split it three ways.
If you dine with a Beckett,
you pay for your drinks.
Oh, look, some tote bags!
You a big tote bag
fan, are you? Totes.
Oh, this is good.
With just ten hours and
450,000 toys to play with,
let's hope the boys are
using every minute wisely.
LAUGHING: Look at him without
his glasses on and a bib!
Oh!
Rob, that was really good!
HE GRUNTS
THEY LAUGH
This is so much like school!
Why are you doing this?
I don't know. What's
wrong with you?
OK, game over.
Sorry. That's not fun. Is
that too much? That's not fun.
You just kicked it straight
into my... Goolies.
They're like boys always are,
like, kicking a ball at each
other while they're blindfolded.
It's so undignified.
Between you and me, I do feel like
I'm trying to be part of the gang.
Those two have this,
like, boyish banter,
and I'm not very good at banter.
It's so terrifying!
HE GUFFAWS
Being smacked in
the face with balls,
got four brothers, so that was
quite a regular occurrence.
Once, it might have
been Christmas time,
I was sitting at
the dinner table
with a pair of loose-fitting,
sort of loungewear shorts,
there wasn't much protection.
And my brother was under the table
for some reason, don't know why,
and he got a tennis ball and
threw it directly at one ball.
That left one has never
felt the same ever since.
Right, that is...
that is... that is...
That is out of order, Tom.
I'm not very good at doing
your boisterous, manly play.
First impressions, I didn't
anticipate how exciting it would be
to be in a toy shop on our own.
It is good.
I didn't know you
had merch out, Tom.
The boys have been locked
in for over an hour,
and they've only just made
it off the ground floor.
Now they're off for a wander
to the Christmas section.
Oh, look!
Santa.
Oh!
You like Santa, Tom?
Yes!
Oh, I'd love to hug Santa.
Ow, ow, ow!
It's a spiky Santa!
Why so spiky?
Oh, just touch him! It's
like he's covered in needles!
What's going on with you?
Touch him! We know what...
Tom.
It's Lego.
The weird thing for me is that Santa
wasn't really a thing in Sri Lanka.
Yeah. So my mum and dad started
believing in Santa Claus at 21.
Oh, that's nice! Wow.
Isn't that lovely?
That's lovely. That is nice.
Well, it's not lovely. It's
a bit sad, isn't it, really?
Where did you used
to put the mince pies
and stuff for Father Christmas?
Well, we always had a situation.
We didn't have a chimney,
so we had all these elaborate stories about
how he used to come out of the radiator.
I had to put it on the front doorstep.
It's only when I married Lou...
She was like, "What are you doing?" I was
like, "Putting it on the front doorstep."
She went, "Father Christmas
comes down the chimney."
Rom, what did you do?
Um... I was going to say
something really stereotypical.
We left out two mince
pies and a samosa.
Just a whole tandoori chicken.
This is what I don't
understand, OK?
Mince pie in every house.
There's about, what, 2
billion children in the world?
Is that a good rough estimate?
How many calories
in a mince pie?
Oh, must be at least 200.
What kind of maths are
you going for here?
He's having 400
billion calories.
Yeah, in a night. In a night.
And he's supposed to
have Christmas dinner...
Everyone has a cheat day.
That is a hell of a cheat day.
That is a HELL of a cheat day.
Only once a year!
Plus all the samosas at
the Asian houses. Oh, God!
And they say obesity can make
you more at risk of coronavirus.
He's got no chance.
He's got no chance, going
from house to house.
Oh, my God, he's a super spreader!
He's literally Typhoid Mary.
Having stumped on over
the magic of Christmas,
let's hope the boys
don't do the same
to the magic of, well, magic
in the magic and mystery
section of the store.
Oh!
Oh, look at that!
ALL: Whoa!
It's magic! Woohoo!
Whoo!
Wow!
Would you like to do
magic, be able to do it?
You can do it! You just showed
me. Already doing it, mate.
Did you have this
as a kid, Rob? No.
What about you, Tom?
Yes, I had the Paul
Daniels magic set.
Hello, boys and girls!
Why did you get the Paul Daniels
set? The outfit and the look?
Just the tricks.
Hello, boys and girls!
Welcome to my magic show.
Look, there's nothing in my hands,
nothing, nothing. No, there isn't.
Wait.
I really liked doing
magic as a child
because that involved
putting on a show,
and also it was something that
I could practise on my own
and it didn't involve
other children.
Oh! Ooh!
Oh, elegant! Wow!
So elegant, oh!
Really good.
Oh.
Yeah, magic. Your
thumb flew off.
We like it, but not a lot.
PHONE CHIMES
Right, let's give the
boys something to do
that'll occupy their hands
and maybe engage their
excited little brains.
"Have a game of bowling
without skittles or a ball."
TOM SCREAMS
ROMESH LAUGHS
Good job he had the helmet on.
Go!
Oh, no!
ALL LAUGH
For two hours now, mates Tom Allen,
Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett
have been locked inside
139-year-old toy shop Hamleys
and, amazingly, they - and
it - are all still standing.
Tom wants to be one of the lads,
Romesh wants to be
good at... anything,
and Rob just wants
a few hours' kip.
No chance! We've just set them
their first challenge of the night,
a spot of bowling with
no skills and no bowl.
I tell you what would be quite good
for the lane, the alley... Yes. Ahh.
Yes! Let's build everything.
I think we should...
do it along here
with the snakes.
So it's like when you go to a birthday party
as a child and there's those bumpers...
They put the barriers up.
Nehh!
Ah, guys, what about
these for skittles?
Skittles need to be something
that, like, can topple over.
OK. That'll just
get pushed along.
He's full of
bossiness, actually.
Me?! "No, don't do
that, that's too much."
"No, they'd just topple
over. No, I'll just..."
I feel like we're in The
Celebrity Apprentice.
I think lots of big cuddly toys.
OK. Let's get loads of 'em.
Dragon.
The boys have got expensive
taste in skittles.
Right.
CLATTERING
Go get it. Just push it up, Tom.
Aargh! Ah.
Careful, Tom. That
cheetah costs £350.
Yeah, that's a back,
a strong back four.
We'll have two
giraffes on the wing.
So, what we doing? Four, three...
Four, three, one. All right.
TOM SIGHS We could use
that as a... As a what?
As a ball. I think you
need more weight to it.
There's a bigger skateboard. Do
you skateboard? Do I skateboard?
ROB LAUGHS Do I skateboard?
No, I don't. Yet.
He looks like... You look
like Captain Tom Moore.
LAUGHTER
What about if you threw it?
Go on, show me.
OK. OK, that's, I mean...
That's insane. An insane thing
to pick up a thing with wheels
and then throw it like that.
VOICEOVER: You know what? I didn't
realise it was gonna be this fun.
I just was like, "Well, it's in a shop,
whatever," but... you get free rein.
There's no-one here
to tell you off.
There's a tree behind. One,
two... Get ready... three.
ROB GRUNTS
Oop! OK.
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER That's great!
That was really fun.
I think I might
have a new career!
What's that one in the Winter Olympics?
Tobogganing into a load of soft toys?
Have a go, it's great fun.
I'll argue you don't need that.
You could sit on your bum with your legs
up the air and try and... Beg your pardon?!
You could spread your legs open
and it'll get all the teddies. OK.
The braces are quite useful. Oh,
the braces are useful, aren't they?
Looks like you're being born!
I feel like I'm in Berlin.
Ready? Oo-er... whoa!
That's it, Tom, keep
going! Whoa, whoa!
CLASSICAL MUSIC SWELLS
Whoa! Aaargh!
Argh... Ooh. Oh!
Now I've got a meerkat
between my legs.
You don't get that
on The Supervet.
Right, you've done this to
me before, now what you do...
LAUGHING AND SPLUTTERING Oh,
watch the tree, watch the tree!
Watch the tree! Watch the tree!
GRUNTING SAUCILY: Ohh, really?
OK... Do you want a push?
Oh, he's... You
sure, a little one?
That's it, Rom!
MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO
Aww, that's lovely!
It was lovely, but punching
skittles isn't legal...
so there's only one
winner for this challenge.
What?!
It... I don't know how
this has been decided...
Yeah? Rob.
Was it Rob won it? Apparently, Rob won it.
I don't see how. Don't shoot the messenger.
You're not the messenger. The phone's the
messenger. It came through on the text.
Don't these go in that one?
I am trying my best to get involved
with, like, the boyish games,
but I've just been left to do tidying up,
which, actually, I would rather do anyway.
It's 9:30pm, and while passers-by
look at all the presents
they've left it too late to buy,
the boys are having
a bit of a sit-down.
See, comfy, right? Relax!
It's like being in first class
on an aeroplane, isn't it?
Yeah, that's nice. Do you feel like
Macaulay Culkin's mum in Home Alone?
A little bit, yeah.
Their coats were so
big in Home Alone.
I always felt a little bit
sorry for the burglars.
They've obviously turned to that
life because of, you know...
Oh, here we go... I guess
of economic hardship...
Oh, here she is... and then
they're terrorised by this kid,
who, by the way,
needs to be in care.
What did you do to write a letter to
Santa? Did you ever write one, Rob?
No. We used to just cut out things in the
Argos catalogue and stick it on a bit of paper.
Oh, that is... What? Stick
it on a bit of... That's...
And then what would you
do with that bit of paper?
I'd give it to me mum
and she'd send it to him.
She'd send Santa... cut-out
pictures from the Argos catalogue?
Yeah. That is...
That's how you do it, innit? What, Santa wouldn't
have his own copy of the Argos catalogue?
She could've just sent the numbers.
I liked cutting out and sticking.
So then Santa takes those pictures
to, what, his nearest Argos?
So, he's then got to go... No, no, I've got
the reference... And if you cut it out...
Look at the catalogue in the store... haven't got
the page number... match the number to the picture...
Yeah... and then queue
up. I mean, it's crazy.
I think he probably
does Click and Collect.
Oh, my God, it's so much better
without tourists in here, innit?
With their massive coats and bags.
Oh, I know, tell me about it.
I wondered when Rob would
bring immigration into this.
What's this? Ohh!
It is incredible to
be in a toy shop.
I mean, just wandering around, you think, "I'm
gonna mess around with this, mess around withthat."
It's proper fun.
Go! Oh, no, why, why?
But... it's weird.
We sort of descended into,
kind of, childlike states.
Aaargh! ROB CACKLES
That is horrible, innit? I
didn't like it! Didn't like that.
You knew it was gonna do that.
Oh, I wouldn't like that at all.
Stop it!
That is really relaxing.
TOY SCREECHES Argh! Stop it!
With the run of Hamleys, the
boys have already experienced
skittles, boomerangs, magic
tricks, pain and cars.
What are they gonna
turn their hand to next?
I am a big fan of these. Ohh!
Are they hand puppets?
PUPPET SQUEAKS
SQUEAKING
I love puppets.
Like, I love them.
As a child, I didn't
really like puppets.
Erm... rather than Punch and Judy,
I was more into Richard and Judy.
What are you doing?!
Romesh, weirdly into puppets.
I dunno what came over him.
These are good. Since we've come over here, you've
really changed. Yeah, you've really perkedup.
SQUEAKING Look at that! I
like their legs. Oh, yeah!
RAPID SQUEAKS
I might become a puppeteer.
You seem happy. "I'm here to have
just a really great time with you."
Have you given up on the lips
not moving? Oh, sorry, have I?
The only thing I need to master
is... any of the skills required.
Your lips are moving more
than when you just talk.
It was something about, you know, having
this little character on your arm.
You don't even need the puppet.
It's just fun. Isn't it?
See?
Romesh, is this what you
do with your children?
Yeah. It's like this, except
three boys are crying.
Well, the night's still young.
MUSIC: Santa Claus Is Coming To
Town ♪ Oh, you better watch out... ♪
With every game and gadget imaginable
at their disposal, Tom, Rob and Romesh
have chosen to play with some
pocket money toys instead.
Maybe Rob's still worried
about the final bill.
Cat's Cradle. This?
This is great.
Nice to meet you.
Lovely to meet you.
Thank you for coming for the job
interview. Lovely to meet you.
What would you normally
do on a Christmas morning?
Lou's got this tradition where all
her family would sit on her bed.
When she was a kid, they'd all
go to Mum and Dad's bedroom
to sit on the bed to do toys.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, we do that.
Yeah, but they still
do it. What, now?
Before we moved into our own house and had kids,
I remember staying over there one Christmas.
I had to just sit in the corner of the room in my
pyjamas while they all sat there opening presents.
On Christmas morning? Yeah, just a
geezer in the corner of the room,
and I was like, this is mental. "No, that's
what you always do." Yeah, but you're 26!
Hey, what about bubbles?
Do you ever go and see West Ham?
Very good. Very Tom! Very good.
Very good. See, I
can do boy bands.
Tell you what we used to do.
We used to go to a little Sri Lankan do every
year on Christmas Eve. That's nice. Great.
We'd come home after midnight
and then my dad would say, "You can
open your presents if you want,"
cos he was smashed and it
was Christmas Day. Oh, no!
We'd open all our presents
at 1am in the morning,
then we'd wake up the
next day and we'd go,
"Let's go... oh, we've already opened
our presents, Christmas is awful."
Like, I'm talking about non-Santa
presents. Non-Santa presents. Yeah.
So, you have this thing of,
like, Santa presents? Yeah.
Does he bring all the presents or just some? If
he doesn't bring all of them, what's the point?
No, but he does for different
people, doesn't he? Like...
Why? Are some people
better than me? Yes.
I mean, that's the truth of
it. Who's better than Tom?
I mean, materially speaking.
I don't mean, you know, spiritually and
emotionally. But that is true as well.
It's gonna go. It's gonna
go, it's gonna go...
STRAINED PUFFING
Apparently it goes really big.
Does it? Is that what it says?
75 centimetres, it reckons.
Well, that's not 75 centimetres.
Have you run out of puff?
Why did you do that?
Wanna do it on your head.
Please can I do it on your head?
Both have a go. I thank you.
Ow!
Right, it's getting very late,
and the little ones
are getting fractious.
Only one thing for it.
MESSAGE CHIMES So,
our next challenge...
is have a midnight feast. Oh!
Ooh, that's exciting.
It's 11:20pm.
Perfect. How we gonna get it in?
We're locked in. Oh, don't worry.
I mean, if Santa Claus can get
through someone's radiator,
I'm sure we can get a bloke
on a moped into Hamleys.
Ow!
Get him! LAUGHTER
Why are we eating
this wooden pizza?
They took this side!
♪ Sleigh bells ring
Are you listening? ♪
SARAH MILLICAN: It's nearly midnight
and the streets of London are almost
empty - so far, so 2020.
But locked inside London's
most iconic toy store,
Tom Allen, Rob Beckett
and Romesh Ranganathan
are spending the night
completely unsupervised. Ah!
They're currently
ordering a takeaway,
which they're going to have to try
and get inside a locked toy shop.
Right, what do you want to
eat? I'll order something?
Just some sashimi, please. Just
sashimi - nothing else? Yes, I don't
like to have carbs at
this time of the day.
Shall I order your pizza, as well?
No. Just something light, please.
Some delicious slithers of
raw fish and some soy sauce.
Hawaiian with stuffed crust?
Yes. OK. Can I have...
Let me guess. Go on.
Vegan? Yeah, correct. Well done.
Thank you. You know me so well.
Ho-ho-ho! Burrito.
ROB CHUCKLES Burrito,
OK. I'll have... one!
LAUGHTER
Right. Do you know how
many burritos I want?
One!
You're more fun
with the beard off.
OK, let me just write that
down. I want to get some chicken
and burrito. Yeah.
Done. Get it, bro.
Food's gonna be
half-hour, 40 minutes,
so shall we have a little
wander? Yeah, sure.
Are you going to keep
the slug? What slug?
Can I make a suggestion? They've
got blasters on this floor.
They've got blasters!
And I really think we should
take advantage of that.
ACTION MOVIE MUSIC
When it came to the
battle, I really panicked,
because I was brought up on
the Early Learning Centre.
No tanks, no guns. I feel like Diana
walking through that minefield.
ROB CACKLES
For me, this is
an endurance test.
I've seen those programmes
where they go in the forest
and skip about. And this is
my version of Bear Grylls.
Teddy Bear Grylls.
That's what it is.
Yes, see, see! You
don't like it, do you?
ROB GROANS Not working!
LAUGHTER
GENTLE SYNCOPATED TUNE
These are so difficult to bloody
operate. What the hell's going on?
How do I reload this?
That's it.
Oh!
He assaulted me. And he's accusing
us of being blokey and laddish.
All of a sudden, Tom's got the war
paint on and he's going for it.
When you've got to go to
war, you've got to go to war.
I don't what happened! Tom,
it's not working. Get him.
SLOW ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
ACTION MOVIE MUSIC
Is that Tom Allen
or Jason Statham?
LAUGHTER
Get him!
LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!
I challenged myself
and, actually, I loved it.
The boys need to calm down
before somebody gets hurt.
And they've thankfully
been distracted
by one of Hamleys
more unique gadgets...
Oh.
Oh. Oh!
Yeah, you like
that? That is nice.
Yes! ..a massage gun.
I've got some great news for
you. Do you want to hear it?
Yeah. GUN MOTOR
SPEED INCREASES
Wow! No. I've got some
even better news for you.
Do you want to hear it? Yes.
MOTOR SPEED INCREASES
That's too fast. I have some
even better news for you. Want
to hear it? Yes. No, that's...
Ah. Is that nice?
Yeah, I do... Yeah, that is...
That is nice. Yeah.
Keep going or not?
What? What are you doing?!
You're not hoovering.
The massage gun, which I... I'm
going to be honest with you,
I've got no idea what
it's doing in this shop.
Why is that here?
It's a sander, I think.
But, it is delightful.
With the different attachments on
it. You can get a shine on it. Yeah.
Yeah? It's like buffing
up a marble floor.
It seems to be
blurring my vision.
Is that what it's
supposed to do?
Except for that mirrored
one - it's quite painful.
On the head?
Oh, sorry!
Try again.
I'm sorry. I keep doing
that. Hold on. Try it fast.
Ow!
Why are you still doing it?
It's the early hours of the morning
and the lads' takeaway has arrived.
They just need to get it
into a locked building.
The driver's outside.
Rob, how are we going
to get this food?
Oh, good luck, fellas.
Hi, mate. DRIVER: Hiya. You
ain't got a ladder, have you?
DRIVER: No. Have you got a rope?
Um...
The reindeer.
OK, this is where my idea
ends. No, this is perfect.
This is a very good idea.
Should we tie it to
some sort of bucket?
You can lower me down and I can...
You're on Mission: Impossible here?
A little Christmas delivery.
It's like baby Jesus.
It is like baby Jesus.
We're three wise men
doing all we can. Yeah.
Only one of us is
ethnically correct. OK.
I think we showed initiative
and innovation tonight.
Look, I don't want to
say who was responsible,
but it was me that suggested
the rope from the reindeer.
We've got a rope and a bag, so
we'll lower that down. All right.
And you can put the stuff in it.
Don't throw all of it out
there, you stupid idiot.
OK, ready? Wait. Oh, don't
throw it all out there!
Rob. I'm holding it. Stop
it! Now I'm covered in rope!
Rob, this isn't going to
work, we need more rope.
I tell you what, I'll put it
round me like you know when you're
like... That's a good idea. They
do it on SAS. How much more?
Rob is a boulder. Have you
got it? Rob is the boulder.
Can you reach that?
Oh, OK, that's it.
Are we good? All aboard.
Go back, Rob, go back. OK.
Hoisting, hoisting.
This is good. Thank you!
Have we got a tip for
him? Go on, Rom. ALL: Yes!
Shall we give him a tip?
Have you got money for a tip.
Has anyone got a tip? Have you
got kids? DRIVER: Yes, I do.
How old are they? Seven,
six, and eight months.
Do you think that'll be all right?
That'll do. That'll be nice.
There is something a bit strange
about shouting out of a window at
the man, "Have you got children?
How old are your children?"
We were sort of, I guess, euphoric,
because of what had happened.
We were enjoying the fact that
we'd got the food up into the shop.
We thought what better thing
to do than give a man who has
children a tip of toys.
And that is where I'd
like this to finish.
Because what happened,
afterwards, I'm not proud of.
There you go.
Oh! LAUGHTER
Um, what happened there, lads?
It looked like we were just
taking our gifts and throwing them
in the face of our poor delivery
driver, and I felt so embarrassed.
DRIVER: Do you need your orange
bag? Oh, keep the red bag, mate.
All right. Thank you,
sorry about that.
DRIVER: Excuse me, there's something
in it. It's for you. It's for you.
We're sorry. It's a
gift. That's for you.
DRIVER: Thank you. Right, so
good job he had the helmet on.
It said have a midnight feast,
it didn't say pulley some food
up into the window before
throwing a load of toys at a man
out on the street that's
delivered the food to you.
I realise that's not
part of the challenge.
Time for a midnight feast.
SARAH MILLICAN: And what better
place to have a meal in a toy shop
than in Santa's grotto?
Here we go. Hang on, Robert!
Standards, please.
Now, I've got some
plates for us.
What does that say?
Twinkle, twinkle.
LAUGHTER Little star.
Yeah. Thanks for the plate.
I will pop that on there.
Um, can I ask a question?
Do we think that we have actually
met the remit of the challenge,
because it's supposed to be midnight
feast, which we are nowhere near.
Would anybody like a
piece of this pizza? Rob?
Play nicely! Thanks.
Sorry, am I having
an anxiety dream?
Why are we eating
this wooden pizza?
Mmm, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
You've got your actual... I want
to see where this goes. Eat your
pizza. Come on, have some.
Now you're enjoying it, you want
to do this little role play.
Come on, don't
forget the toppings.
Get that in.
Whole slice!
Enjoy eating...? Are you
glad you started this?
Just put it back.
You've learnt your lesson, now.
Rob, are you just eating
the skin off your chicken?
To start, yes. Like a starter?
I can't eat the
inside first, can I?
So you're going to eat all
the skin? Just bite into it.
Pick it up and bite into
it. In your family bucket.
Eat your burrito and shut up.
If you're running a sweepstake
on which one of us was going to
tap out earliest, you would have
been gutted if you'd have got Rob at
the beginning of this, because Rob
is like a little Energizer Bunny.
But Rob is... I don't know
if... He went big early.
He's eaten a bucket
of fried chicken.
You throw that all into
a combination together,
we've got ourselves a
tired little Rob Beckett.
What do you do on
Christmas Day for dinner?
Turkey and, like,
roast. What about you?
LAUGHTER
Yorkshire puddings? Yeah, we
do have Yorkshire puddings.
Controversial. Yeah, but
they're nice, aren't they?
Stuffing?
Yes.
Um...
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Mate, it's 1am. I'm not...
This is not my peak anecdote time.
The midnight feast was supposed to
be very exciting, but
two things went wrong.
A, I don't eat carbs after 6pm.
And, B, what the hell
was Rob Beckett doing?
Tom, what do you do...? What
do you do for Christmas dinner?
That was one of the worst
things I've ever seen.
I just want you to know that.
It is one of the worst
things I've ever seen.
Rob needs to be tucked in,
so we're moving onto the
nightwear section of the evening.
Or, as I call it,
eye candy time.
AUSTIN POWERS THEME
STRANGULATED CLUCK
You're being quite
frightening, actually. Oh!
Agh! Something snapped.
I told you the bed
would come in handy.
It's not long till staff will arrive
at Hamleys for the new working day,
but there's still a few floors
and challenges left in store,
if they can stay awake for them.
ROB YAWNS
They've headed to
the pre-school floor,
which stocks toys to keep toddlers,
and hopefully this lot, occupied.
Spending all this time, hanging
round with all these toys,
talking about Santa and
the magic of Christmas,
I think I am actually
feeling very festive.
Romesh and Tom are still in great
spirits, but Rob, not so much.
There is a point at which
Rob runs out of energy,
and he becomes...
a little bit of a grump.
You know what's gonna annoy
me the most about this?
No-one will believe we
stayed here all night.
They'll go, "I bet you went
in the day and did it."
No, that's what I suggested.
But we had to stay here and
no-one's gonna believe us anyway.
There's not even a window.
Well, there is that window we
fed the... But we could have
done that at 5 o'clock.
It's dark at four.
It's like three men
in a nursing home.
Finding solace in music.
Where's Sarah?
Sarah died nine
years ago, Derek.
Oh, I thought they were
talking about me for a minute.
Looks like they've
gone delirious.
What time do you
wake up on a Sunday?
Oh, on a Sunday? 11, 12?
That's half the day.
What time do you get up?
Half five, six? Well, what do
you do with half the day, then?
I sit there looking at my kids
and think, "Why won't you sleep?"
TOY PIANO PLAYS
We tried to recreate
that scene in Big
where he's playing
that big keyboard.
Yeah, I like it.
It was awful, but what
they didn't do in Big
was have a massive burrito at
two o'clock in the morning.
The burrito had
sweet potato in it.
I dunno why a burrito would have
sweet potato in it. It's rank.
To then go and try to
recreate that scene,
actually it's quite
an achievement,
so, if you're gonna take
away anything from this,
you do not put sweet
potato in a burrito.
OK, Tom, you can stop now.
HE GIGGLES
There's not long
left of their night,
so let's try and
perk them up a bit.
Where am I? PHONE CHIMES
OK, guys.
It's a drum roll. Yeah.
"Create and cross the
parent walk of pain."
Bravest wins.
Parent walk of pain -
you know what that means?
No, I don't. Is it something to
do with after you've given birth?
Not immediately after, Tom, no.
It's the feeling of
unconditional parental love
you feel when you go
for a late-night pee,
and step on the toys
your kids left out.
This is the parent walk of pain.
This is like a tidy
version of my house.
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
BELL RINGS
I'm knackered, I
wanna go to bed,
they're still playing with toys,
I thought if I get this set up,
we can run across it and
then get a bit of kip.
Um, do you...?
CAR SOUND EFFECT
Do you...?
CAR SOUND EFFECT CONTINUES
So, I don't know what's
wrong with Romesh.
He's got kids as well.
Who wants to be up in a toy
shop at 2 in the morning?
Well, Rob might be
flagging, but Tom is feeling
right at home on the
pre-school floor.
Yeah, I sort of feel
kind of excitable.
Maybe we could have an
afternoon tea party.
I'd love that. Where would
you like to do that? Here.
I'm quite energised
at this time.
I go through feeling tired
and I'm back up again.
But you go to bed about two
in the morning normally.
That's true, actually, yeah.
Do have a cup of tea.
Wait, let me pour it first.
TOY SQUEAKS
Bit of fun on there as well.
Milk? Sugar?
No, thank you. Are you sure?
Oh, go on, then, yeah.
TOY CHICKEN SQUEAKS AND GROANS
That's my inner monologue.
TOY CHICKEN SQUEAKS AND GROANS
I've got a wonderful idea.
Why don't we get dressed up?
Sure, is it...
Are we still at the tea party?
Yes! Oh, look,
won't this be fun?
You're being quite
frightening, actually.
Ooh arr, me hearties. Would
you like another cup of tea?
Oh, how nice to see you, Rob.
What's happening here, lads?
Just having an afternoon
tea with the pirates.
I've set up the parent
walk of pain. OK.
You ready for it?
Let's go, come on.
Let's see your walk of pain.
Come on, Tom. Come on, Tom.
Bye, Mr Frog. Thanks
for having us.
Here we go, lads.
Ooh, very nice.
Oh, this looks like
fun. There she is.
I sort of feel like, I mean...
You've obviously taken
it to extreme levels,
this is not what your kids
bedroom looks like, is it?
No, it's more spread out.
The walk of pain - it's the
surprise that kills you.
You sound like Cilla Black.
I, um... Feel like
her at the moment.
Too dark?
Romesh is up first.
Argh! Sh...
Sorry.
ROB LAUGHS
Please. Come on, Romesh.
Hold it together.
That was... that was horrible.
Come on.
ROB LAUGHS
Ow. Ow!
Argh!
Ah, something snapped!
Something snapped.
ROB LAUGHS
TOY CHICKEN SQUEAKS
Rom? Yeah. I think this is the
most vulnerable I've ever seen you.
Really? Yeah.
You just look... Your
shoulders are cowed. Argh!
You look like a rescue dog. How
far am I from the end of this?
About half a foot.
Oh, God.
It looks awful.
Am I out? Because I've still
got Lego all over my...
Am I done? Cos there's still
Lego, I'm still walking on Lego.
Argh!
Ah!
I didn't know we
were doing this,
otherwise I would
have had a pedicure.
No blindfold, Rob?
Strange how it hurts less
when you know it's coming.
Like so much in life.
It's quite nice to see some
of them embedded in your foot.
Do you wanna give it a go?
Has Tom got what it takes?
Ah!
It's absolutely fine. I don't know
why you parents are always moaning.
It's not a problem
at all, Tom, no?
Not really.
Dunno what you people
moan about, parents.
Oh, everything's
a pain, isn't it?
Don't have them, I say.
You're wearing socks, pet.
Why not sweep away the
Lego while you're at it?
This big deal about
the walk of pain,
I didn't feel anything.
It was completely fine.
I dunno why these people make such a
big deal. Straight people, isn't it?
Big dramas. "Oh,
children, such a big deal,
"I love my kids," we get it!
Well, Romesh did it
barefoot and blindfolded,
so that was an easy decision.
"Well done, Romesh."
You get first pick of the
vehicles on the fourth floor.
Are there helicopters
waiting to take us home?
I dunno. What's on
the fourth floor?
The fourth floor of Hamleys
is the racing floor,
with cars, trains and drones.
And right at the centre
of it all, the race track.
And a massive Transformer
that blurts out weird things.
TRANSFORMER: Transform!
And roll out!
The boys have run riot
for nearly ten hours now.
So let's decide the winner
of the final challenge
with a lap of the race track.
These three stunning vehicles
have a combined recommended
age of, ooh, ten.
Yeah, if the race is to my
bedroom at home to go to sleep...
Then you'll win.
Well, we'd be
going the same way.
Oh, bit presumptuous, dear.
OK, so I get to
choose which vehicle.
Yes, I wonder which
one you'll go for.
Yeah, but do you reckon
this might be, like, a...
what's the word I'm looking for?
A red car.
No. Oh, sorry, herring.
Herring, this might
be a red herring.
Is that what you're going for?
You know what, Rom? That is you.
That is a bit of you, that car is.
Hold on, I think I might need
to... Yeah, that's better.
That is how it was designed.
Now put your foot
on the accelerator.
That looks so cool, that's
the thing with these cars.
What one do you want, Tom?
This one is preferable.
"This one is preferable."
Can I wear these glasses?
Sure. If you're worried that you've
got a little bit of dignity left.
Three, two, one, go.
Poor choice of
vehicles, I'd say.
No-one's ever enjoyed
a space hopper at 3am.
Who ever goes, "Oh, I had a good
old go on the space hopper."
"Oh, when did you do it?"
"Just set the alarm for 2.55,
"had a cup of coffee,
then got on it."
Oh, crap.
I think I've broken this.
LAUGHING: You have!
I think I've broken it!
Yeah, it's broke, mate.
The wheel's broke. Oh, God.
Can I help you at all?
I used to be in the AA.
OK, I'm back in the game.
Ready, steady. Yeah. Go.
No, this is broken.
ROB LAUGHS
OK. Come on, Nigel Mansfield.
Remember, Romesh. You
break it, you pay for it.
I'm just gonna walk it, I think.
It's like a car park
queue at Bluewater.
Me, too. Look, let's...
Ow!
Stop it!
Three, two...
Oh, argh!
Oh, are you all right?
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I just landed on my arse!
Remember, Romesh, you
break him, you pay for him.
Can I have a go on
this? Yes, of course.
How are you supposed to do this?
I think it's a wiggle thing.
How do you think
this race is going?
Come on, Romesh, you
can do it, let's go!
Ugh! I can't...
Oh, this is...
THEY LAUGH
Go on. OK. Win your race.
Push me over the line, please.
OK, that's enough, that's
enough, that's enough!
I wouldn't say I've smashed it
because there's a lot
of things that happened
that sort of
undermined the victory.
But, it doesn't matter. I won.
With the race over, there's
still time for one last surprise.
PHONE CHIMES
"Congratulations, Romesh."
Oh, well done. Wow.
"Sit back and relax. Tom and Rob,
the store will reopen shortly
"and must be left
how you found it."
Yeah, OK. Peace out.
Bye, then.
Bye, well done.
I suggest you start over
there, boys, yeah? OK.
See you later.
I could tell that Rob was
getting more and more tired
and actually, he was
getting to a real low point
and what he needed
was some rest,
so there was absolutely no way I
was gonna let him get that rest.
The last challenge, I'll be honest
with you, I didn't get a text.
We just made that up.
The store will
open in a few hours
and the boys' night
is coming to an end.
I do hope they've taken
something from it.
That's better. Nice and clean.
When I started this
night, I said to you
I wanted to find out
something I'm good at.
We had a series of
challenges tonight
and I have emerged from
the final challenge
the ultimate victor for tonight.
This couldn't have
gone better for me.
I'm buzzing, and now I go home,
and my kids say to me, "How was
your night in the toy shop?"
And I say, "Kids, I won.
"Stop crying because
I don't have a beard."
You're moving it around.
I've just swept it.
Yeah, but if you just, like...
Rob! That makes it worse!
No, cos after a while,
it'll disappear.
I often felt as a child
that I wasn't very good at
letting go and having fun,
and now I feel like I've
joined in with the boys.
It's a Christmas miracle.
I did learn a lot about Rob and
Rom and I learned that, actually,
if you throw yourself
into playing their games,
they'll let you in and
you'll have a lovely time.
TOY CHICKEN SQUEAKS
Sounds horrendous.
TOY CHICKENS GROAN
I've learned that Tom has the
sleeping pattern of a fox.
He's awake in the day and night.
And, er, Romesh is
surprisingly happy at night.
Like a weird sort
of like vampire man.
I think it's best now
if we go to sleep.
That'd be all
right, wouldn't it?
Cheer up, Rob. I
suppose there's no harm
in letting you get some kip now.
Oh, this is lovely! Mm-hm.
I told you the bed would
come in handy. Yeah.
Love you guys.
Love you too, Rom.
And you, Rob. Night-night.
Rob? Love you, Rob.
Night-night.
Love you, Rob.
Oh...
There's a giraffe in here.
There's a giraffe or a draught?
A giraffe.
Are you gonna talk
the whole time?
I can't actually sleep on my back,
cos I get nightmares. Oh, my God.
Why do you get nightmares?
Oh, I dream about snakes.
Can you guys shut up?
Oh, someone tired now, are they?
Like logs, our boys slept,
but soon were awoken,
by the manager with the bill
for the toys that they'd broken.
And so, from this empire
of fun and delight,
merry Christmas to all,
and to all, a good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
4 have gained access
to the most famous
toy shop in the world,
Hamleys in London.
We're getting a peek
behind the curtain
of the 54,000-square foot store,
which stocks nearly half a million
toys spread over seven floors.
The shoppers have gone home, and
we've got the keys to the store.
Look who we're sending
in for the night...
RUBBER TOY BELLOWS
comedians Romesh Ranganathan,
Rob Beckett and Tom Allen.
Let's do this.
HE SCREAMS
Oh, something snapped!
Rob is annoying when you've
had a full night's sleep.
ROB GUFFAWS
I think Tom's going to make
us do a lot of role play.
Argh!
Am I having an anxiety dream?
Why are we eating
this wooden pizza?
I'm a little bit nervous.
Whoa, whoa!
I think they're going to
probably be quite physical.
What are you doing?
Ow!
Maybe quite violent.
That is out of order, Tom.
Oh! ROB GUFFAWS
I haven't stayed up very
late for a long, long time,
so I guess let's hope
that Tom and Rob survive.
Three mates,
one massive toy shop...
Stop it!
no grown-ups.
Tom, are you all right?
This is One Night In Hamleys.
In chilly December on
a quiet London street,
three shadowy figures
have arranged to meet
for a night full of magic
and reindeer and Santa,
but first to exchange
the true gift of banter.
Hello.
All right?
Yeah.
Started the conversation
quite far away.
ROMESH LAUGHS
Oh, no beard!
What's happened to you?
You look like a baby.
I sort of made a decision I
regret, to be honest with you.
My children... won't come near me
because of the beard thing. Really?
It does feel like I've ordered a
Romesh Ranganathan comedian from China,
and this is what's turned up.
He looks not really...
It's like counterfeit.
You look like you're going
to see Christmas FC away.
You've got a very Brian
Harvey kind of vibe.
Thank you. Yeah.
I'm going to stay now.
Right, should we... Let's go.
Yeah, after you, Tom.
After you, Tom. Thank you!
Rob, Romesh and Tom are about
to spend an entire night
unsupervised inside the
oldest toy shop in the world.
Oh, this is exciting, isn't
it? Very nice. How about that?
As a kid, I would
wander round toy shops
just looking for stuff
that related to food,
like a Breville
sandwich toaster.
That to me as a child
would be a great present.
Hello, Mr Hamley? Oh.
LAUGHING: Mr Hamley!
Our Covid-tested mates have the
entire store all to themselves,
and I mean all to themselves.
This is exciting. It
is exciting, innit?
Oh, there's a way back out?
We've locked them
in till morning.
What better way to
release their inner child?
I was a fat child,
and we were poor.
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
I'd just play with the
most expensive toy,
one that I wouldn't have been able to
afford and just absolutely rinse it.
Are they just saving
money on night security?
As a child, my favourite toy was
probably my stationery set from WHSmith's
because I could use that to
write my thank-you notes,
always my favourite
bit of Christmas.
It's lavender oil to
help you sleep. Oh.
I'm fine.
I wasn't very good at
playing when I was a child,
and I think this is a really good opportunity
for me to challenge myself to get better at
just sort of loosening up
and just having some fun.
LAUGHING: I can't get
used to your face!
Excuse me, have you seen
Romesh? He's our friend.
Um, a couple of creepy
things... Go on.
Well, first of all, we are
completely alone in the store.
That's not creepy.
The other creepy thing is I just walked
round here to come back to see you. Yup.
Everything was off except for
one solitary gerbil in a ball,
just sort of...
moving, sort of... It was
actually quite terrifying.
What's everybody brought with them?
Go on, then, what have you got?
I've got an inflatable
bed for later.
Why have you got that?
You're planning on just going to
sleep? We're gonna come here...
I'll be honest with you.
I've got two children at
home that get up at 5am.
They wake up a lot in the night, and I know
we've sort of gone to quite a lot trouble,
but I'm planning on
getting 8-10 hours' sleep.
8-10 hours?
And that'll power me through
the rest of the month...
So, you're going to have
to go to bed quite soon.
I'm surprised you're awake now.
You've barely walked in the
door, and you've set up your bed.
I get no sleep at home, so I'd
rather sleep on the floor of a shop.
That's where my life
is at the moment.
No chance, pet.
Let's set some ground
rules for tonight.
Oh. Oh, there's a phone.
"Welcome to your One
Night In together.
"There are just a few rules
to follow while you are here.
"Please leave the
store as you found it.
"If you break it,
you pay for it."
BOTH: Oh, OK.
Rob. Yep?
"Sleeping is cheating."
Thank you!
He totally put lavender on me!
It's like having a sleeping tablet,
that. I'm already feeling sleepy.
Not really.
It's not... Like, you can't
get addicted to lavender oil.
We've also got a few
things up our sleeves
to keep the boys on
their toes. PHONE CHIMES
Oh, another one.
"When you are given a challenge,
you must complete it."
OK. OK.
I'm actually terrified
of all of these toys.
I feel like I'm in some sort of nightmare
where they might all come to life,
and all I've got to battle them is the
most miserable man in comedy, Romesh.
Oh, my God, guys!
Teacher. He's teaching about...
I'm not being teacher!
Such a teacher!
And then, Rob, who,
when you think about it,
actually looks like some sort of
hideous toy that's come to life.
♪ It's the most wonderful... ♪
Do you want to look at
boomerang? Do we like this?
Oh, how much is it?
I don't care. Come on, we
don't give a crap, mate!
My memories of coming into
Hamleys were like, you'd walk in,
somebody would do a magic
trick and it'd be incredible,
and people'd be like, "Oh,
my God, that guy's so cool."
That never happened to me.
I'm not good at anything,
and so I would like to, at some
point tonight, find something
that I'm actually good at.
♪ Ding, dong, ding, dong... ♪
That was pathetic.
MUSIC STOPS
Are you OK? Not your other eye!
THEY LAUGH
How have you managed
to get it on his head?
I don't know how. I did my best.
We look like two rich kids who
got the butler to play with us.
I do feel like I'm in
my... Do it, Giles! Do it!
Mummy, Mummy! Giles just
threw the boomerang!
Then he's going to
get us warm milk!
Oh, this is why I'm not allowed
to play with the other boys!
Giles, you're going to lose your job for
this. We're going to get Daddy to sack you.
I'm concerned about whatever
you break, you pay for.
Did you tear yours? I thought I
was trying to be like you guys.
That's what... That's £5.
Well done, Tom.
I'm keeping a little tally,
and Romesh and Tom are
two Frisbees ahead of me,
so whatever the total cost is,
I don't split it three ways.
If you dine with a Beckett,
you pay for your drinks.
Oh, look, some tote bags!
You a big tote bag
fan, are you? Totes.
Oh, this is good.
With just ten hours and
450,000 toys to play with,
let's hope the boys are
using every minute wisely.
LAUGHING: Look at him without
his glasses on and a bib!
Oh!
Rob, that was really good!
HE GRUNTS
THEY LAUGH
This is so much like school!
Why are you doing this?
I don't know. What's
wrong with you?
OK, game over.
Sorry. That's not fun. Is
that too much? That's not fun.
You just kicked it straight
into my... Goolies.
They're like boys always are,
like, kicking a ball at each
other while they're blindfolded.
It's so undignified.
Between you and me, I do feel like
I'm trying to be part of the gang.
Those two have this,
like, boyish banter,
and I'm not very good at banter.
It's so terrifying!
HE GUFFAWS
Being smacked in
the face with balls,
got four brothers, so that was
quite a regular occurrence.
Once, it might have
been Christmas time,
I was sitting at
the dinner table
with a pair of loose-fitting,
sort of loungewear shorts,
there wasn't much protection.
And my brother was under the table
for some reason, don't know why,
and he got a tennis ball and
threw it directly at one ball.
That left one has never
felt the same ever since.
Right, that is...
that is... that is...
That is out of order, Tom.
I'm not very good at doing
your boisterous, manly play.
First impressions, I didn't
anticipate how exciting it would be
to be in a toy shop on our own.
It is good.
I didn't know you
had merch out, Tom.
The boys have been locked
in for over an hour,
and they've only just made
it off the ground floor.
Now they're off for a wander
to the Christmas section.
Oh, look!
Santa.
Oh!
You like Santa, Tom?
Yes!
Oh, I'd love to hug Santa.
Ow, ow, ow!
It's a spiky Santa!
Why so spiky?
Oh, just touch him! It's
like he's covered in needles!
What's going on with you?
Touch him! We know what...
Tom.
It's Lego.
The weird thing for me is that Santa
wasn't really a thing in Sri Lanka.
Yeah. So my mum and dad started
believing in Santa Claus at 21.
Oh, that's nice! Wow.
Isn't that lovely?
That's lovely. That is nice.
Well, it's not lovely. It's
a bit sad, isn't it, really?
Where did you used
to put the mince pies
and stuff for Father Christmas?
Well, we always had a situation.
We didn't have a chimney,
so we had all these elaborate stories about
how he used to come out of the radiator.
I had to put it on the front doorstep.
It's only when I married Lou...
She was like, "What are you doing?" I was
like, "Putting it on the front doorstep."
She went, "Father Christmas
comes down the chimney."
Rom, what did you do?
Um... I was going to say
something really stereotypical.
We left out two mince
pies and a samosa.
Just a whole tandoori chicken.
This is what I don't
understand, OK?
Mince pie in every house.
There's about, what, 2
billion children in the world?
Is that a good rough estimate?
How many calories
in a mince pie?
Oh, must be at least 200.
What kind of maths are
you going for here?
He's having 400
billion calories.
Yeah, in a night. In a night.
And he's supposed to
have Christmas dinner...
Everyone has a cheat day.
That is a hell of a cheat day.
That is a HELL of a cheat day.
Only once a year!
Plus all the samosas at
the Asian houses. Oh, God!
And they say obesity can make
you more at risk of coronavirus.
He's got no chance.
He's got no chance, going
from house to house.
Oh, my God, he's a super spreader!
He's literally Typhoid Mary.
Having stumped on over
the magic of Christmas,
let's hope the boys
don't do the same
to the magic of, well, magic
in the magic and mystery
section of the store.
Oh!
Oh, look at that!
ALL: Whoa!
It's magic! Woohoo!
Whoo!
Wow!
Would you like to do
magic, be able to do it?
You can do it! You just showed
me. Already doing it, mate.
Did you have this
as a kid, Rob? No.
What about you, Tom?
Yes, I had the Paul
Daniels magic set.
Hello, boys and girls!
Why did you get the Paul Daniels
set? The outfit and the look?
Just the tricks.
Hello, boys and girls!
Welcome to my magic show.
Look, there's nothing in my hands,
nothing, nothing. No, there isn't.
Wait.
I really liked doing
magic as a child
because that involved
putting on a show,
and also it was something that
I could practise on my own
and it didn't involve
other children.
Oh! Ooh!
Oh, elegant! Wow!
So elegant, oh!
Really good.
Oh.
Yeah, magic. Your
thumb flew off.
We like it, but not a lot.
PHONE CHIMES
Right, let's give the
boys something to do
that'll occupy their hands
and maybe engage their
excited little brains.
"Have a game of bowling
without skittles or a ball."
TOM SCREAMS
ROMESH LAUGHS
Good job he had the helmet on.
Go!
Oh, no!
ALL LAUGH
For two hours now, mates Tom Allen,
Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett
have been locked inside
139-year-old toy shop Hamleys
and, amazingly, they - and
it - are all still standing.
Tom wants to be one of the lads,
Romesh wants to be
good at... anything,
and Rob just wants
a few hours' kip.
No chance! We've just set them
their first challenge of the night,
a spot of bowling with
no skills and no bowl.
I tell you what would be quite good
for the lane, the alley... Yes. Ahh.
Yes! Let's build everything.
I think we should...
do it along here
with the snakes.
So it's like when you go to a birthday party
as a child and there's those bumpers...
They put the barriers up.
Nehh!
Ah, guys, what about
these for skittles?
Skittles need to be something
that, like, can topple over.
OK. That'll just
get pushed along.
He's full of
bossiness, actually.
Me?! "No, don't do
that, that's too much."
"No, they'd just topple
over. No, I'll just..."
I feel like we're in The
Celebrity Apprentice.
I think lots of big cuddly toys.
OK. Let's get loads of 'em.
Dragon.
The boys have got expensive
taste in skittles.
Right.
CLATTERING
Go get it. Just push it up, Tom.
Aargh! Ah.
Careful, Tom. That
cheetah costs £350.
Yeah, that's a back,
a strong back four.
We'll have two
giraffes on the wing.
So, what we doing? Four, three...
Four, three, one. All right.
TOM SIGHS We could use
that as a... As a what?
As a ball. I think you
need more weight to it.
There's a bigger skateboard. Do
you skateboard? Do I skateboard?
ROB LAUGHS Do I skateboard?
No, I don't. Yet.
He looks like... You look
like Captain Tom Moore.
LAUGHTER
What about if you threw it?
Go on, show me.
OK. OK, that's, I mean...
That's insane. An insane thing
to pick up a thing with wheels
and then throw it like that.
VOICEOVER: You know what? I didn't
realise it was gonna be this fun.
I just was like, "Well, it's in a shop,
whatever," but... you get free rein.
There's no-one here
to tell you off.
There's a tree behind. One,
two... Get ready... three.
ROB GRUNTS
Oop! OK.
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER That's great!
That was really fun.
I think I might
have a new career!
What's that one in the Winter Olympics?
Tobogganing into a load of soft toys?
Have a go, it's great fun.
I'll argue you don't need that.
You could sit on your bum with your legs
up the air and try and... Beg your pardon?!
You could spread your legs open
and it'll get all the teddies. OK.
The braces are quite useful. Oh,
the braces are useful, aren't they?
Looks like you're being born!
I feel like I'm in Berlin.
Ready? Oo-er... whoa!
That's it, Tom, keep
going! Whoa, whoa!
CLASSICAL MUSIC SWELLS
Whoa! Aaargh!
Argh... Ooh. Oh!
Now I've got a meerkat
between my legs.
You don't get that
on The Supervet.
Right, you've done this to
me before, now what you do...
LAUGHING AND SPLUTTERING Oh,
watch the tree, watch the tree!
Watch the tree! Watch the tree!
GRUNTING SAUCILY: Ohh, really?
OK... Do you want a push?
Oh, he's... You
sure, a little one?
That's it, Rom!
MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO
Aww, that's lovely!
It was lovely, but punching
skittles isn't legal...
so there's only one
winner for this challenge.
What?!
It... I don't know how
this has been decided...
Yeah? Rob.
Was it Rob won it? Apparently, Rob won it.
I don't see how. Don't shoot the messenger.
You're not the messenger. The phone's the
messenger. It came through on the text.
Don't these go in that one?
I am trying my best to get involved
with, like, the boyish games,
but I've just been left to do tidying up,
which, actually, I would rather do anyway.
It's 9:30pm, and while passers-by
look at all the presents
they've left it too late to buy,
the boys are having
a bit of a sit-down.
See, comfy, right? Relax!
It's like being in first class
on an aeroplane, isn't it?
Yeah, that's nice. Do you feel like
Macaulay Culkin's mum in Home Alone?
A little bit, yeah.
Their coats were so
big in Home Alone.
I always felt a little bit
sorry for the burglars.
They've obviously turned to that
life because of, you know...
Oh, here we go... I guess
of economic hardship...
Oh, here she is... and then
they're terrorised by this kid,
who, by the way,
needs to be in care.
What did you do to write a letter to
Santa? Did you ever write one, Rob?
No. We used to just cut out things in the
Argos catalogue and stick it on a bit of paper.
Oh, that is... What? Stick
it on a bit of... That's...
And then what would you
do with that bit of paper?
I'd give it to me mum
and she'd send it to him.
She'd send Santa... cut-out
pictures from the Argos catalogue?
Yeah. That is...
That's how you do it, innit? What, Santa wouldn't
have his own copy of the Argos catalogue?
She could've just sent the numbers.
I liked cutting out and sticking.
So then Santa takes those pictures
to, what, his nearest Argos?
So, he's then got to go... No, no, I've got
the reference... And if you cut it out...
Look at the catalogue in the store... haven't got
the page number... match the number to the picture...
Yeah... and then queue
up. I mean, it's crazy.
I think he probably
does Click and Collect.
Oh, my God, it's so much better
without tourists in here, innit?
With their massive coats and bags.
Oh, I know, tell me about it.
I wondered when Rob would
bring immigration into this.
What's this? Ohh!
It is incredible to
be in a toy shop.
I mean, just wandering around, you think, "I'm
gonna mess around with this, mess around withthat."
It's proper fun.
Go! Oh, no, why, why?
But... it's weird.
We sort of descended into,
kind of, childlike states.
Aaargh! ROB CACKLES
That is horrible, innit? I
didn't like it! Didn't like that.
You knew it was gonna do that.
Oh, I wouldn't like that at all.
Stop it!
That is really relaxing.
TOY SCREECHES Argh! Stop it!
With the run of Hamleys, the
boys have already experienced
skittles, boomerangs, magic
tricks, pain and cars.
What are they gonna
turn their hand to next?
I am a big fan of these. Ohh!
Are they hand puppets?
PUPPET SQUEAKS
SQUEAKING
I love puppets.
Like, I love them.
As a child, I didn't
really like puppets.
Erm... rather than Punch and Judy,
I was more into Richard and Judy.
What are you doing?!
Romesh, weirdly into puppets.
I dunno what came over him.
These are good. Since we've come over here, you've
really changed. Yeah, you've really perkedup.
SQUEAKING Look at that! I
like their legs. Oh, yeah!
RAPID SQUEAKS
I might become a puppeteer.
You seem happy. "I'm here to have
just a really great time with you."
Have you given up on the lips
not moving? Oh, sorry, have I?
The only thing I need to master
is... any of the skills required.
Your lips are moving more
than when you just talk.
It was something about, you know, having
this little character on your arm.
You don't even need the puppet.
It's just fun. Isn't it?
See?
Romesh, is this what you
do with your children?
Yeah. It's like this, except
three boys are crying.
Well, the night's still young.
MUSIC: Santa Claus Is Coming To
Town ♪ Oh, you better watch out... ♪
With every game and gadget imaginable
at their disposal, Tom, Rob and Romesh
have chosen to play with some
pocket money toys instead.
Maybe Rob's still worried
about the final bill.
Cat's Cradle. This?
This is great.
Nice to meet you.
Lovely to meet you.
Thank you for coming for the job
interview. Lovely to meet you.
What would you normally
do on a Christmas morning?
Lou's got this tradition where all
her family would sit on her bed.
When she was a kid, they'd all
go to Mum and Dad's bedroom
to sit on the bed to do toys.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, we do that.
Yeah, but they still
do it. What, now?
Before we moved into our own house and had kids,
I remember staying over there one Christmas.
I had to just sit in the corner of the room in my
pyjamas while they all sat there opening presents.
On Christmas morning? Yeah, just a
geezer in the corner of the room,
and I was like, this is mental. "No, that's
what you always do." Yeah, but you're 26!
Hey, what about bubbles?
Do you ever go and see West Ham?
Very good. Very Tom! Very good.
Very good. See, I
can do boy bands.
Tell you what we used to do.
We used to go to a little Sri Lankan do every
year on Christmas Eve. That's nice. Great.
We'd come home after midnight
and then my dad would say, "You can
open your presents if you want,"
cos he was smashed and it
was Christmas Day. Oh, no!
We'd open all our presents
at 1am in the morning,
then we'd wake up the
next day and we'd go,
"Let's go... oh, we've already opened
our presents, Christmas is awful."
Like, I'm talking about non-Santa
presents. Non-Santa presents. Yeah.
So, you have this thing of,
like, Santa presents? Yeah.
Does he bring all the presents or just some? If
he doesn't bring all of them, what's the point?
No, but he does for different
people, doesn't he? Like...
Why? Are some people
better than me? Yes.
I mean, that's the truth of
it. Who's better than Tom?
I mean, materially speaking.
I don't mean, you know, spiritually and
emotionally. But that is true as well.
It's gonna go. It's gonna
go, it's gonna go...
STRAINED PUFFING
Apparently it goes really big.
Does it? Is that what it says?
75 centimetres, it reckons.
Well, that's not 75 centimetres.
Have you run out of puff?
Why did you do that?
Wanna do it on your head.
Please can I do it on your head?
Both have a go. I thank you.
Ow!
Right, it's getting very late,
and the little ones
are getting fractious.
Only one thing for it.
MESSAGE CHIMES So,
our next challenge...
is have a midnight feast. Oh!
Ooh, that's exciting.
It's 11:20pm.
Perfect. How we gonna get it in?
We're locked in. Oh, don't worry.
I mean, if Santa Claus can get
through someone's radiator,
I'm sure we can get a bloke
on a moped into Hamleys.
Ow!
Get him! LAUGHTER
Why are we eating
this wooden pizza?
They took this side!
♪ Sleigh bells ring
Are you listening? ♪
SARAH MILLICAN: It's nearly midnight
and the streets of London are almost
empty - so far, so 2020.
But locked inside London's
most iconic toy store,
Tom Allen, Rob Beckett
and Romesh Ranganathan
are spending the night
completely unsupervised. Ah!
They're currently
ordering a takeaway,
which they're going to have to try
and get inside a locked toy shop.
Right, what do you want to
eat? I'll order something?
Just some sashimi, please. Just
sashimi - nothing else? Yes, I don't
like to have carbs at
this time of the day.
Shall I order your pizza, as well?
No. Just something light, please.
Some delicious slithers of
raw fish and some soy sauce.
Hawaiian with stuffed crust?
Yes. OK. Can I have...
Let me guess. Go on.
Vegan? Yeah, correct. Well done.
Thank you. You know me so well.
Ho-ho-ho! Burrito.
ROB CHUCKLES Burrito,
OK. I'll have... one!
LAUGHTER
Right. Do you know how
many burritos I want?
One!
You're more fun
with the beard off.
OK, let me just write that
down. I want to get some chicken
and burrito. Yeah.
Done. Get it, bro.
Food's gonna be
half-hour, 40 minutes,
so shall we have a little
wander? Yeah, sure.
Are you going to keep
the slug? What slug?
Can I make a suggestion? They've
got blasters on this floor.
They've got blasters!
And I really think we should
take advantage of that.
ACTION MOVIE MUSIC
When it came to the
battle, I really panicked,
because I was brought up on
the Early Learning Centre.
No tanks, no guns. I feel like Diana
walking through that minefield.
ROB CACKLES
For me, this is
an endurance test.
I've seen those programmes
where they go in the forest
and skip about. And this is
my version of Bear Grylls.
Teddy Bear Grylls.
That's what it is.
Yes, see, see! You
don't like it, do you?
ROB GROANS Not working!
LAUGHTER
GENTLE SYNCOPATED TUNE
These are so difficult to bloody
operate. What the hell's going on?
How do I reload this?
That's it.
Oh!
He assaulted me. And he's accusing
us of being blokey and laddish.
All of a sudden, Tom's got the war
paint on and he's going for it.
When you've got to go to
war, you've got to go to war.
I don't what happened! Tom,
it's not working. Get him.
SLOW ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
ACTION MOVIE MUSIC
Is that Tom Allen
or Jason Statham?
LAUGHTER
Get him!
LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!
I challenged myself
and, actually, I loved it.
The boys need to calm down
before somebody gets hurt.
And they've thankfully
been distracted
by one of Hamleys
more unique gadgets...
Oh.
Oh. Oh!
Yeah, you like
that? That is nice.
Yes! ..a massage gun.
I've got some great news for
you. Do you want to hear it?
Yeah. GUN MOTOR
SPEED INCREASES
Wow! No. I've got some
even better news for you.
Do you want to hear it? Yes.
MOTOR SPEED INCREASES
That's too fast. I have some
even better news for you. Want
to hear it? Yes. No, that's...
Ah. Is that nice?
Yeah, I do... Yeah, that is...
That is nice. Yeah.
Keep going or not?
What? What are you doing?!
You're not hoovering.
The massage gun, which I... I'm
going to be honest with you,
I've got no idea what
it's doing in this shop.
Why is that here?
It's a sander, I think.
But, it is delightful.
With the different attachments on
it. You can get a shine on it. Yeah.
Yeah? It's like buffing
up a marble floor.
It seems to be
blurring my vision.
Is that what it's
supposed to do?
Except for that mirrored
one - it's quite painful.
On the head?
Oh, sorry!
Try again.
I'm sorry. I keep doing
that. Hold on. Try it fast.
Ow!
Why are you still doing it?
It's the early hours of the morning
and the lads' takeaway has arrived.
They just need to get it
into a locked building.
The driver's outside.
Rob, how are we going
to get this food?
Oh, good luck, fellas.
Hi, mate. DRIVER: Hiya. You
ain't got a ladder, have you?
DRIVER: No. Have you got a rope?
Um...
The reindeer.
OK, this is where my idea
ends. No, this is perfect.
This is a very good idea.
Should we tie it to
some sort of bucket?
You can lower me down and I can...
You're on Mission: Impossible here?
A little Christmas delivery.
It's like baby Jesus.
It is like baby Jesus.
We're three wise men
doing all we can. Yeah.
Only one of us is
ethnically correct. OK.
I think we showed initiative
and innovation tonight.
Look, I don't want to
say who was responsible,
but it was me that suggested
the rope from the reindeer.
We've got a rope and a bag, so
we'll lower that down. All right.
And you can put the stuff in it.
Don't throw all of it out
there, you stupid idiot.
OK, ready? Wait. Oh, don't
throw it all out there!
Rob. I'm holding it. Stop
it! Now I'm covered in rope!
Rob, this isn't going to
work, we need more rope.
I tell you what, I'll put it
round me like you know when you're
like... That's a good idea. They
do it on SAS. How much more?
Rob is a boulder. Have you
got it? Rob is the boulder.
Can you reach that?
Oh, OK, that's it.
Are we good? All aboard.
Go back, Rob, go back. OK.
Hoisting, hoisting.
This is good. Thank you!
Have we got a tip for
him? Go on, Rom. ALL: Yes!
Shall we give him a tip?
Have you got money for a tip.
Has anyone got a tip? Have you
got kids? DRIVER: Yes, I do.
How old are they? Seven,
six, and eight months.
Do you think that'll be all right?
That'll do. That'll be nice.
There is something a bit strange
about shouting out of a window at
the man, "Have you got children?
How old are your children?"
We were sort of, I guess, euphoric,
because of what had happened.
We were enjoying the fact that
we'd got the food up into the shop.
We thought what better thing
to do than give a man who has
children a tip of toys.
And that is where I'd
like this to finish.
Because what happened,
afterwards, I'm not proud of.
There you go.
Oh! LAUGHTER
Um, what happened there, lads?
It looked like we were just
taking our gifts and throwing them
in the face of our poor delivery
driver, and I felt so embarrassed.
DRIVER: Do you need your orange
bag? Oh, keep the red bag, mate.
All right. Thank you,
sorry about that.
DRIVER: Excuse me, there's something
in it. It's for you. It's for you.
We're sorry. It's a
gift. That's for you.
DRIVER: Thank you. Right, so
good job he had the helmet on.
It said have a midnight feast,
it didn't say pulley some food
up into the window before
throwing a load of toys at a man
out on the street that's
delivered the food to you.
I realise that's not
part of the challenge.
Time for a midnight feast.
SARAH MILLICAN: And what better
place to have a meal in a toy shop
than in Santa's grotto?
Here we go. Hang on, Robert!
Standards, please.
Now, I've got some
plates for us.
What does that say?
Twinkle, twinkle.
LAUGHTER Little star.
Yeah. Thanks for the plate.
I will pop that on there.
Um, can I ask a question?
Do we think that we have actually
met the remit of the challenge,
because it's supposed to be midnight
feast, which we are nowhere near.
Would anybody like a
piece of this pizza? Rob?
Play nicely! Thanks.
Sorry, am I having
an anxiety dream?
Why are we eating
this wooden pizza?
Mmm, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
You've got your actual... I want
to see where this goes. Eat your
pizza. Come on, have some.
Now you're enjoying it, you want
to do this little role play.
Come on, don't
forget the toppings.
Get that in.
Whole slice!
Enjoy eating...? Are you
glad you started this?
Just put it back.
You've learnt your lesson, now.
Rob, are you just eating
the skin off your chicken?
To start, yes. Like a starter?
I can't eat the
inside first, can I?
So you're going to eat all
the skin? Just bite into it.
Pick it up and bite into
it. In your family bucket.
Eat your burrito and shut up.
If you're running a sweepstake
on which one of us was going to
tap out earliest, you would have
been gutted if you'd have got Rob at
the beginning of this, because Rob
is like a little Energizer Bunny.
But Rob is... I don't know
if... He went big early.
He's eaten a bucket
of fried chicken.
You throw that all into
a combination together,
we've got ourselves a
tired little Rob Beckett.
What do you do on
Christmas Day for dinner?
Turkey and, like,
roast. What about you?
LAUGHTER
Yorkshire puddings? Yeah, we
do have Yorkshire puddings.
Controversial. Yeah, but
they're nice, aren't they?
Stuffing?
Yes.
Um...
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Mate, it's 1am. I'm not...
This is not my peak anecdote time.
The midnight feast was supposed to
be very exciting, but
two things went wrong.
A, I don't eat carbs after 6pm.
And, B, what the hell
was Rob Beckett doing?
Tom, what do you do...? What
do you do for Christmas dinner?
That was one of the worst
things I've ever seen.
I just want you to know that.
It is one of the worst
things I've ever seen.
Rob needs to be tucked in,
so we're moving onto the
nightwear section of the evening.
Or, as I call it,
eye candy time.
AUSTIN POWERS THEME
STRANGULATED CLUCK
You're being quite
frightening, actually. Oh!
Agh! Something snapped.
I told you the bed
would come in handy.
It's not long till staff will arrive
at Hamleys for the new working day,
but there's still a few floors
and challenges left in store,
if they can stay awake for them.
ROB YAWNS
They've headed to
the pre-school floor,
which stocks toys to keep toddlers,
and hopefully this lot, occupied.
Spending all this time, hanging
round with all these toys,
talking about Santa and
the magic of Christmas,
I think I am actually
feeling very festive.
Romesh and Tom are still in great
spirits, but Rob, not so much.
There is a point at which
Rob runs out of energy,
and he becomes...
a little bit of a grump.
You know what's gonna annoy
me the most about this?
No-one will believe we
stayed here all night.
They'll go, "I bet you went
in the day and did it."
No, that's what I suggested.
But we had to stay here and
no-one's gonna believe us anyway.
There's not even a window.
Well, there is that window we
fed the... But we could have
done that at 5 o'clock.
It's dark at four.
It's like three men
in a nursing home.
Finding solace in music.
Where's Sarah?
Sarah died nine
years ago, Derek.
Oh, I thought they were
talking about me for a minute.
Looks like they've
gone delirious.
What time do you
wake up on a Sunday?
Oh, on a Sunday? 11, 12?
That's half the day.
What time do you get up?
Half five, six? Well, what do
you do with half the day, then?
I sit there looking at my kids
and think, "Why won't you sleep?"
TOY PIANO PLAYS
We tried to recreate
that scene in Big
where he's playing
that big keyboard.
Yeah, I like it.
It was awful, but what
they didn't do in Big
was have a massive burrito at
two o'clock in the morning.
The burrito had
sweet potato in it.
I dunno why a burrito would have
sweet potato in it. It's rank.
To then go and try to
recreate that scene,
actually it's quite
an achievement,
so, if you're gonna take
away anything from this,
you do not put sweet
potato in a burrito.
OK, Tom, you can stop now.
HE GIGGLES
There's not long
left of their night,
so let's try and
perk them up a bit.
Where am I? PHONE CHIMES
OK, guys.
It's a drum roll. Yeah.
"Create and cross the
parent walk of pain."
Bravest wins.
Parent walk of pain -
you know what that means?
No, I don't. Is it something to
do with after you've given birth?
Not immediately after, Tom, no.
It's the feeling of
unconditional parental love
you feel when you go
for a late-night pee,
and step on the toys
your kids left out.
This is the parent walk of pain.
This is like a tidy
version of my house.
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
BELL RINGS
I'm knackered, I
wanna go to bed,
they're still playing with toys,
I thought if I get this set up,
we can run across it and
then get a bit of kip.
Um, do you...?
CAR SOUND EFFECT
Do you...?
CAR SOUND EFFECT CONTINUES
So, I don't know what's
wrong with Romesh.
He's got kids as well.
Who wants to be up in a toy
shop at 2 in the morning?
Well, Rob might be
flagging, but Tom is feeling
right at home on the
pre-school floor.
Yeah, I sort of feel
kind of excitable.
Maybe we could have an
afternoon tea party.
I'd love that. Where would
you like to do that? Here.
I'm quite energised
at this time.
I go through feeling tired
and I'm back up again.
But you go to bed about two
in the morning normally.
That's true, actually, yeah.
Do have a cup of tea.
Wait, let me pour it first.
TOY SQUEAKS
Bit of fun on there as well.
Milk? Sugar?
No, thank you. Are you sure?
Oh, go on, then, yeah.
TOY CHICKEN SQUEAKS AND GROANS
That's my inner monologue.
TOY CHICKEN SQUEAKS AND GROANS
I've got a wonderful idea.
Why don't we get dressed up?
Sure, is it...
Are we still at the tea party?
Yes! Oh, look,
won't this be fun?
You're being quite
frightening, actually.
Ooh arr, me hearties. Would
you like another cup of tea?
Oh, how nice to see you, Rob.
What's happening here, lads?
Just having an afternoon
tea with the pirates.
I've set up the parent
walk of pain. OK.
You ready for it?
Let's go, come on.
Let's see your walk of pain.
Come on, Tom. Come on, Tom.
Bye, Mr Frog. Thanks
for having us.
Here we go, lads.
Ooh, very nice.
Oh, this looks like
fun. There she is.
I sort of feel like, I mean...
You've obviously taken
it to extreme levels,
this is not what your kids
bedroom looks like, is it?
No, it's more spread out.
The walk of pain - it's the
surprise that kills you.
You sound like Cilla Black.
I, um... Feel like
her at the moment.
Too dark?
Romesh is up first.
Argh! Sh...
Sorry.
ROB LAUGHS
Please. Come on, Romesh.
Hold it together.
That was... that was horrible.
Come on.
ROB LAUGHS
Ow. Ow!
Argh!
Ah, something snapped!
Something snapped.
ROB LAUGHS
TOY CHICKEN SQUEAKS
Rom? Yeah. I think this is the
most vulnerable I've ever seen you.
Really? Yeah.
You just look... Your
shoulders are cowed. Argh!
You look like a rescue dog. How
far am I from the end of this?
About half a foot.
Oh, God.
It looks awful.
Am I out? Because I've still
got Lego all over my...
Am I done? Cos there's still
Lego, I'm still walking on Lego.
Argh!
Ah!
I didn't know we
were doing this,
otherwise I would
have had a pedicure.
No blindfold, Rob?
Strange how it hurts less
when you know it's coming.
Like so much in life.
It's quite nice to see some
of them embedded in your foot.
Do you wanna give it a go?
Has Tom got what it takes?
Ah!
It's absolutely fine. I don't know
why you parents are always moaning.
It's not a problem
at all, Tom, no?
Not really.
Dunno what you people
moan about, parents.
Oh, everything's
a pain, isn't it?
Don't have them, I say.
You're wearing socks, pet.
Why not sweep away the
Lego while you're at it?
This big deal about
the walk of pain,
I didn't feel anything.
It was completely fine.
I dunno why these people make such a
big deal. Straight people, isn't it?
Big dramas. "Oh,
children, such a big deal,
"I love my kids," we get it!
Well, Romesh did it
barefoot and blindfolded,
so that was an easy decision.
"Well done, Romesh."
You get first pick of the
vehicles on the fourth floor.
Are there helicopters
waiting to take us home?
I dunno. What's on
the fourth floor?
The fourth floor of Hamleys
is the racing floor,
with cars, trains and drones.
And right at the centre
of it all, the race track.
And a massive Transformer
that blurts out weird things.
TRANSFORMER: Transform!
And roll out!
The boys have run riot
for nearly ten hours now.
So let's decide the winner
of the final challenge
with a lap of the race track.
These three stunning vehicles
have a combined recommended
age of, ooh, ten.
Yeah, if the race is to my
bedroom at home to go to sleep...
Then you'll win.
Well, we'd be
going the same way.
Oh, bit presumptuous, dear.
OK, so I get to
choose which vehicle.
Yes, I wonder which
one you'll go for.
Yeah, but do you reckon
this might be, like, a...
what's the word I'm looking for?
A red car.
No. Oh, sorry, herring.
Herring, this might
be a red herring.
Is that what you're going for?
You know what, Rom? That is you.
That is a bit of you, that car is.
Hold on, I think I might need
to... Yeah, that's better.
That is how it was designed.
Now put your foot
on the accelerator.
That looks so cool, that's
the thing with these cars.
What one do you want, Tom?
This one is preferable.
"This one is preferable."
Can I wear these glasses?
Sure. If you're worried that you've
got a little bit of dignity left.
Three, two, one, go.
Poor choice of
vehicles, I'd say.
No-one's ever enjoyed
a space hopper at 3am.
Who ever goes, "Oh, I had a good
old go on the space hopper."
"Oh, when did you do it?"
"Just set the alarm for 2.55,
"had a cup of coffee,
then got on it."
Oh, crap.
I think I've broken this.
LAUGHING: You have!
I think I've broken it!
Yeah, it's broke, mate.
The wheel's broke. Oh, God.
Can I help you at all?
I used to be in the AA.
OK, I'm back in the game.
Ready, steady. Yeah. Go.
No, this is broken.
ROB LAUGHS
OK. Come on, Nigel Mansfield.
Remember, Romesh. You
break it, you pay for it.
I'm just gonna walk it, I think.
It's like a car park
queue at Bluewater.
Me, too. Look, let's...
Ow!
Stop it!
Three, two...
Oh, argh!
Oh, are you all right?
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I just landed on my arse!
Remember, Romesh, you
break him, you pay for him.
Can I have a go on
this? Yes, of course.
How are you supposed to do this?
I think it's a wiggle thing.
How do you think
this race is going?
Come on, Romesh, you
can do it, let's go!
Ugh! I can't...
Oh, this is...
THEY LAUGH
Go on. OK. Win your race.
Push me over the line, please.
OK, that's enough, that's
enough, that's enough!
I wouldn't say I've smashed it
because there's a lot
of things that happened
that sort of
undermined the victory.
But, it doesn't matter. I won.
With the race over, there's
still time for one last surprise.
PHONE CHIMES
"Congratulations, Romesh."
Oh, well done. Wow.
"Sit back and relax. Tom and Rob,
the store will reopen shortly
"and must be left
how you found it."
Yeah, OK. Peace out.
Bye, then.
Bye, well done.
I suggest you start over
there, boys, yeah? OK.
See you later.
I could tell that Rob was
getting more and more tired
and actually, he was
getting to a real low point
and what he needed
was some rest,
so there was absolutely no way I
was gonna let him get that rest.
The last challenge, I'll be honest
with you, I didn't get a text.
We just made that up.
The store will
open in a few hours
and the boys' night
is coming to an end.
I do hope they've taken
something from it.
That's better. Nice and clean.
When I started this
night, I said to you
I wanted to find out
something I'm good at.
We had a series of
challenges tonight
and I have emerged from
the final challenge
the ultimate victor for tonight.
This couldn't have
gone better for me.
I'm buzzing, and now I go home,
and my kids say to me, "How was
your night in the toy shop?"
And I say, "Kids, I won.
"Stop crying because
I don't have a beard."
You're moving it around.
I've just swept it.
Yeah, but if you just, like...
Rob! That makes it worse!
No, cos after a while,
it'll disappear.
I often felt as a child
that I wasn't very good at
letting go and having fun,
and now I feel like I've
joined in with the boys.
It's a Christmas miracle.
I did learn a lot about Rob and
Rom and I learned that, actually,
if you throw yourself
into playing their games,
they'll let you in and
you'll have a lovely time.
TOY CHICKEN SQUEAKS
Sounds horrendous.
TOY CHICKENS GROAN
I've learned that Tom has the
sleeping pattern of a fox.
He's awake in the day and night.
And, er, Romesh is
surprisingly happy at night.
Like a weird sort
of like vampire man.
I think it's best now
if we go to sleep.
That'd be all
right, wouldn't it?
Cheer up, Rob. I
suppose there's no harm
in letting you get some kip now.
Oh, this is lovely! Mm-hm.
I told you the bed would
come in handy. Yeah.
Love you guys.
Love you too, Rom.
And you, Rob. Night-night.
Rob? Love you, Rob.
Night-night.
Love you, Rob.
Oh...
There's a giraffe in here.
There's a giraffe or a draught?
A giraffe.
Are you gonna talk
the whole time?
I can't actually sleep on my back,
cos I get nightmares. Oh, my God.
Why do you get nightmares?
Oh, I dream about snakes.
Can you guys shut up?
Oh, someone tired now, are they?
Like logs, our boys slept,
but soon were awoken,
by the manager with the bill
for the toys that they'd broken.
And so, from this empire
of fun and delight,
merry Christmas to all,
and to all, a good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media