One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 3 - The Dentist - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day a at a time

♪ Giving plenty of loving

♪ Treat them right

♪ Cause a good man
nowadays is hard to find

♪ Oh yeah

♪ Cause a good man
nowadays is hard to find

♪ Oh yeah - Hi, Max.

- Oh hey, hi Barb.

- Is Mark home yet?

- [Max] Not yet.

- Oh good, because I
got a surprise for him.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

You like it?

- Ah, it's very cute.

Will he wear it with pantyhose?

(audience laughter)

- No, it's a demo smock,
I got his initials put on it.

I can't believe he is
opening up his office

tomorrow morning.

- Yeah well, I got a
little surprise myself.

- Champagne for Mark,
that's so thoughtful.

- Well, it is for an
occasion, but it's for myself.

I sold an article, $50, aren't
you proud of me, Barbara?


- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi.

- I'm gonna go check on Annie.

- Oh, she's asleep upstairs.

Speaking of check.

- Champagne, great.

What's the occasion?

- I'm glad you
mentioned that because.

- He got it to celebrate Mark's
grand opening tomorrow.

- Oh, that's nice.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- That's all you get for now.

But later, I'm gonna tie
you up with dental floss

and have my way with you.

- Hey doc, guess what?

- Max bought you some
champagne for your opening.

- Oh, you shouldn't have.

- I didn't.

- You like it?

I got your initials on it.

- How much did it cost?

- Alright, you
guys, come on now.

Let's have a nice toast to
the most successful man

that we know, Dr. Mark Royer.

- Yeah, now wait one
damn minute here.

Nobody is drinking my
champagne, thank you very much

to his success.

We'll drink to my success.

At least both our successes.

- What are you talking about?

- Come on, Max, what is it?

- Max, what is it?

- I'm not gonna tell.

- Oh, come on.

- Alright, alright, alright,
Julie, I sold something.

- Our car?

- No, I sold an article.
- What?

Oh babe, that's great!

- Thank you, thank you.

- How much was the check for?

- Well, wait, wait, wait,
let me read the letter

that came with it first.

- Who is Shenandoah
Armitures and Field Coils?

- That's an outfit that
makes fractional horsepower

electrical components.

- Of course.

(audience laughter)

- It's for their trade journal.

Okay, anyway, here's the letter.

"Dear Mr. Horvath,

"enclosed, find a check
for $50 for your article,

"Electricity, Our
Shocking Friend.

"Thank you, please think
of us again, Sincerely,

"Zachary Jones."

- Really terrific, Max.

- Yeah, that's great.

- Now, we can we
drink your champagne?

- Oh yeah, right, the
guy at the market said

if we're smart we'd
drink it within 24 hours.

- Honey, did your office
furniture come in today?

- Oh yeah, it did, I
put in a phone too.

You have any idea what
a business phone costs,

and an ad in the paper.

- You're advertising?

That's really tacky.

- No, I'm advertising
for a receptionist.

- Honey, I told you I could
try and find some time to do it.

- Oh sure, with working
and going to school,

you'll have plenty of time.

- And besides, Barbara,
you'd be taking a job away

from some young, tall, sexy,

sultry, unprincipled
young woman.

- Thank you, Max,
now I won't have

to write a job description.

(audience laughter)

- Now you won't
have to interview her,

because I'm gonna do it.


Honey, what's wrong?

- Nothing, not with me.

I'm trying to figure out how
to open up a dentist office

without holding up a bank,

and you guys are sitting
around making jokes

about the size of my
receptionist's chest.

- We didn't say
anything about her chest.

- Well somebody must've
been thinking about it.

- Obviously.

(audience laughter)

- Look, I got a lot on my mind.

I just paid a fortune
to buy used furniture,

I'm in debt up to here to my
dad to buy dental equipment,

and somewhere down
the line I have to find

a million patients to
pay for all this stuff.

And all you guys
wanna do is sit around

and drink champagne.

- Oh honey, I love it.

I love it, it's just
wonderful, the furniture

makes all the difference.

You'd never know it was used.

- Well, it does look
a lot better here

than it did in the
funeral parlor.

(audience laughter)

- Oh look, you
have your diploma,

that looks really nice up there.

Grandma's philodendron
looks really nice.

Feels good, magazines,
honey, at least they're new.

- Yeah, you know what they cost?

- Look honey, it doesn't matter.

Because anyway,
they're gonna be old soon,

and then you're gonna
feel like a real dentist.

- As opposed to now.

- Let's see what's in here.

(gasps) Oh yeah look.

This is perfect, see,
tomorrow your patients

are gonna be
sitting in this chair

with a bib around their
neck placed on them

by your ugly, flat-chested,
but sweet receptionist.

- Bibs, I forgot to order bibs.

Probably cost a
thousand dollars.

Everything else costs
a thousand dollars.

There aren't enough
patients in this city

to pay for that spit sink there.

You know, in the old days,
they just used a bucket.

(audience laughter)

What's the difference,
pretty soon there won't be

any teeth to fix anyway.

Some do-gooder
had to invent fluoride.

Let's just send this stuff
back to the funeral parlor

and send my career with it.

- Mark, Mark, come on.

Look, you are an
exceptional man.

With your personality
and your skill,

you are gonna have
patients lined up

from here to South Bend.

- Don't patronize me.

I hate being patted on the head.

- Patted on the head?

I am not patting
you on the head.

(door knocking)

- Is the tooth fairy in?

- Hi.

- Little lady told me that you
wanted some shelves put up.

Holy mackerel, hey
Mark this is terrific,

I mean look at this furniture.

This is really
great-looking stuff.

Smells like lilies.

- I drew up the sketches for
the shelves, I'll go get them.

- What's the matter with him?

- Schneider, I have
never seen him like this.

He finds fault with everything.

He's worried about expenses,
he hasn't laughed in days.

- What'd you expect?

Poor guy, probably just
realized for the first time

that he's gonna
spend the rest of his life

looking down inside the
mouths of other people.

- Schneider.

- Pushing aside tongues.

- Schneider.

- Searching out
abscesses, decay, rot.

- Schneider.

- Shrunken teeth, swollen gums.

- Schneider, I think
what the problem is

is that Mark's worried
because he doesn't have

any patients yet.

- Oh, that's all?

That's no big worry.

Sure, the first patient
is bound to come in.

- Schneider, how long
has it been since you've

seen a dentist?

- Oh gee, I don't
know, two, three years.

- Two or three years, don't
you think it's time that you.

- (chuckling) No you don't.

No, I know what
you're up to, no, no, no.

See, I have one
solid, fast rule, right.

Whether it's
medicine, or l'amour,

I never mess
around with virgins.

(audience laughter)

My teeth, they're very
sensitive about me,

and I'm very sensitive
about my teeth.

And neither of us wants
the other to be hurt.

- Schneider, if it's
been two years,

you really should see someone.

Now wouldn't it be
really nice if you were

to be Mark's first patient.

- Barbara, I come from the
school of thought which says

that you don't go
to see the dentist

until your face is falling off.

(audience laughter)

What's the opposite of minimum?

- Maximum.
- Turn around.

(audience laughter)

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

- Hi.

Dr. Royer?

- Ah yes, take two aspirin
and call me in the morning.

Or, come right into
the kitchen and help me

scramble the eggs.


- I'm here for the
position, receptionist.

- Yes, of course, yes, well
the doctor's in his office.

I'm the doctor's wife.

Mrs. Royer.

I'll tell my husband
that you're here.

Sweetheart, there's a woman
here to see about the job.

- Oh, oh.

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm Mark.

I mean, I'm Dr. Dentist.

(audience laughter)

I mean I'm, this is my wife.

- I think she knows that.

- Well, make
yourself comfortable.

- Ah, if I might be so bold.

A party of one?

- Oh, honey I have a
class I have to get to,

so I really should go.

Could I give you
a lift anywhere?

- I haven't interviewed her yet.

- Right, right.

(audience laughter)

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Nice to have met you.

- She's Italian.

Schneider, you wanna take
care of those shelves, please?

- Oh yeah, these
are the plans, huh?

Looks like 9/16 scale.

Same as the Aswan Dam.

- Well now.

- My name is Allison
Lang, Dr. Royer.

This is resume
and my references.

- Ah-ha, you type 90
words a minute, you're fast.

- Deal me in.

- And I'm very good
with people too.

- Great.

- And I know all about
billing proceedings,

and how to handle appointments.

- Well, of coursE I
wouldn't be able to pay you

much more than minimum to start.

- Oh to start with that's okay.

I'd have to have a
100% medical plan.

- Teamsters get it.

- I could offer you 100% dental.

- Cute.

I'd have to know about
your pension plan,

your arrangements
for paid vacation,

cost-of-living provisions.

Oh, and I'd insist
on a word processor.

- Well, you have
great qualifications,

and I have your phone
number and we'll be in touch.

- Thank you very much.
- Thanks for coming in.

- Thank you.

- Can't tell you how much
this has meant to me.

- I can imagine.

- She's perfect and I
can't afford to hire her.

- Darn right you can't
because your wife will kill you.

What you gotta get,
what you gotta get in here

is what we used to
call a milk curdler.

- A what?

- Somebody who'd
sour cream at 20 paces.

- Let's get to work.

- Alright.

- Hey guys.
- Hey, how are you?

- Alright.
- What are you doing here?

- Still need a receptionist?

- Yes.

- Well I got the perfect
one, can I bring her in?

I'm here about the job, my
name is Tootsie Horvath.

- Tootsie?

- Tootsie, I'll work for
peanuts, and I love harassment.

- Fooling around?

- Only during lunch.

- You wanna be my receptionist?

- Yeah.

- May we see your resume?

- Just what I needed.

- Oh come on, look, I
can answer phones, right.

Answer phones, and I can
do my writing between patients.

And Julie says we
need the money.

- He's ugly enough
to suit Barbara.

- It's just not
what I had in mind.

- But I'm cheap.

- And vulgar.

Think you got the job,
Tootsie, congratulations.

Hey listen, you're
gonna have to button up,

the doctor does not
like hairy cleavage.

- Congratulations, doctor.

Hey come on, this is
terrific, you've got a friend,

a receptionist, a
brand-new office,

you're gonna have
up some new shelves.

By this time tomorrow, there
will be people in this office

yelling, screaming, fainting.

He's going inside,
he's closing his door.

He slammed the door on me,
what's the matter with that guy?

- Do you have an appointment?

(audience laughter)

- Why should he hire you?

- Why not, I'm
everything he needs,

and I'll work for minimum.

- We'll take it.

- Why wouldn't he
hire a real person?

(audience laughter)

Max, how is he?

- He's bad.

Wrong word, he's depressed.

Nothing seems to
be going right for him.

Of course it doesn't
help that not one patient

came near the office today.

- For my wife.

For my beautiful sister-in-law,

mother of the
superior baby, Annie,

wife to this guy, whoever
he happens to be.

You know, it just occurred to
me, I love you more than ever.

- What happened?

- Funny you should ask.

I found myself,
that's what happened.

Why walk in misery, I said.

Why depress those around
you, open the wine, Max.

Why not face the
problems squarely, I said,

so I did.

- Honey, I can't tell
you what a relief this is.

- I'm quitting dentistry.

(audience applauding)

- Mark, you just started.

You have an office,
you have equipment,

you have a career to
build, you cannot just

walk away from it.

- Yes I can.

- Hey, how is this gonna
look on my resume, huh?

Name of employer,
Dr. Mark Royer,

length of employment,
six minutes?


Come on, you guys, you're
not falling for this are you?

Look at the guy, he's
trying to put one over on us.

Come on, he's not gonna
study all those years

and throw it away,
that'd be stupid.

- [Julie] Max?

- He'd be a jerk if he did that.

Look at the guy.
- Max, stop it.

- It's alright, Julie.

I can accept a compliment.

- Mark, why?

- Once I open that
dentist office, that's it.

That's the rest of my life.

- Oh come on, Mark, you're
just having starting out jitters.

That is all.

- That is not all.

Doesn't anybody here believe me?

I said I quit.

- Mark, you're
being unreasonable.

- Oh of course,
I'm unreasonable.

Max can quit a good
job with the airline

to become a writer
of all stupid things.

But I'm unreasonable.

- Of all stupid things?

- Oh forgive me, I forgot
we were in the presence

of the renowned author
of that immortal classic,

Electricity, Our
Shocking Friend.

(audience laughter)

- [Barbara] Mark?

- No, no, no, that's alright,
when someone's made an ass

of himself, the tactic is
attack somebody else.

- [Julie] Max?

- Julie, I love you and I have
compassion for your sister.

Then that only leaves
one person that I am not

too crazy about right now.

- Go suck an egg, Horvath.


- Julie, I am going for a walk

before I do something violent.

- Something is
really bothering him.

- I know, he hates it
when someone tells him

to go suck an egg.

(audience laughter)

Right now, my problem
is out front building up

a giant head of steam.

Husbands are a
total pain, aren't they?


- Barbara, I'm sorry.

- Okay.

- I know what you're thinking.

- You sure?

- You're thinking exactly
what I'd be thinking

which is I'm Mrs. Royer,
I'm married to Mr. Royer,

who's a very unstable person.

- Close enough.

You wanna tell me
what this is all about?

- It's very simple.

I just realized that
opening a dentist office

was more than making sure
you had a supply of mouthwash.

- And bibs.

- And malpractice insurance.

Barbara, I'm just a kid who
owns a bunch of dental tools.

I'm in a building with
a bunch of printers,

and architects,
and dry cleaners.

What if something goes wrong?

What if I get a bleeder,
what if some guy passes out

from the needle.

I can't go running down
the hall to my teacher.

- [Barbara] Mark?

- Any other business,
it would be different.

If a carpenter puts a nick
in the wall, they'd patch it.

They don't like to
patch, they'd paint it.

They don't like to paint,
they put a bush in front of it.

They don't like the bush,
they put Christmas lights on it.

Barbara, I'm alone, I'm naked.

I'm not dealing with
patches and paint,

I'm dealing with people.

- Shut up.

- Barbara?
- I mean it, shut up.

Mark, you're scared, that's it.

It's that simple, as
soon as you say,

rinse, for the first time,
you're gonna be fine.

- It's more than that.

- No it's not.

I don't think so.

Are you a good dentist?

- Oh come on.

- Answer me, are you?

Okay, did they
teach you what to do

if you get a bleeder or
if someone passes out

from a needle,
damn right they did.

- Barbara.
- Shut up.

I'm gonna be your first patient.

Tomorrow morning,
I'm coming to your office

and you're gonna pull
this tooth right here.

- That's ridiculous.

- Okay then, drill a
hole in it and fill it,

or put in a new filling,
take out an old filling.

- That's stupid.
- Right.

I'm the patient, I
don't know anything.

You're the doctor, you
do, you know what to do,

and you know how to do it.

It doesn't matter if
it's the first patient

or the 10,000th patient,
things will be the same.

We'll just be driving
a better car by then.

- You really would
do that, wouldn't you?

- Do what?

- Be my first patient.

- I'd be your first anything.

- Is there a plan to
all this psychology,

or you're just winging it?

- I love you, and I hate
to see you unhappy.

- That's the plan?

- That's the plan.

- It's a good plan.

- Good plan.
- Good plan.

- Don't water again.

Don't pace.

- It's my office.

- I know, but we
had an agreement.

When you don't have any
patients, I do my writing.

When you have
patients, I recept.

There are no patients here now.

- I know there are no
patients, thank you.

I would love some patients.

I will be very relieved
when I get my first patient

in here and finish him off.

(audience laughter)

I'm losing my mind.

- I'm losing my mind too.

I don't know if I can work
under these conditions.

- I'm sorry.

I'll go play with my drills.

- Well listen, let me bounce
some ideas off you here, okay.


These two guys are
having an argument, see,

and it's really hard to
write dialogue like that

without sounding corny.

- This is very sweet
of you to volunteer

to be Mark's first patient.

- Yeah well, somebody had to
come forward out of the ranks

and volunteer for this one.

- [Max] You're killing me,
you're killing me, I'm bleeding.

Get your foot out of my mouth.

My tongue, I can't
feel my tongue.

- Well you asked for opinion.

- Way to go, fellas, you
just lost your first patient.

Schneider got scared and left.

- You just lost
my first patient.

You and your cornball lines.

- What do you
mean cornball lines?

- You heard me.

- Well.

I am not working here
for peanuts to get insulted.

I mean, a receptionist likes
to have fulfillment you know,

but I haven't even
had any receptees.

You know how difficult
it is not to recept all day?

- This isn't going to work.

Max, as a
brother-in-law, I love you.

As a receptionist,
you're inappropriate.

Barbara, I'm supposed
to be a professional.

I've gotta start
doing things right.

Thanks for bringing Schneider.

But what I need
is a real patient.

And a real
receptionist, no offense.

- Listen, if I ever write a
sequel to Frankenstein,

he's gonna be a dentist.

- Dr. Royer?

- Yes?

- I saw your name in the lobby,

but you have so
many patients waiting.

- Well, what seems
to be the problem?

- I just had my tooth
broken and it's very painful.

- Well look, I can wait,
you see Dr. Royer.

- Yeah, and my
root canal can wait.

- Right this way, please.

- I was just entering
the building and this idiot

with a tool belt, he
ran right into me,

and he broke my tooth,
it isn't safe anywhere.

In the lobby?

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)