One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 16 - Ave Romano - full transcript
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you
get, so go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time
- Mark, please,
just stop it already.
Why don't you just
bill your patients again.
Just don't bite my head off.
- I might as well
write these bills
and throw them directly
into the trash can.
These people have no
intention of paying me.
- Then next time, leave the
tooth and extract the wallet.
(laughing)
- Thanks for the advice.
(telephone ringing)
I'll get it.
Hello?
No, no, no, no, there's a
Barbara Royer, not Romano.
No, that's her mother's name.
Hold on a second.
Here, take this.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hello?
Right, Barbara.
No, her name is Ann.
Uh, Katherine, look,
I really shouldn't be
telling you all this.
- I think you just did.
(laughing)
- Antonio Romano,
are we related.
- Tony?
Tony, is that you?
This is Katherine.
Where are you?
He's in town.
- Tony's in town.
(laughing)
- Where exactly are you?
Well, that's just a
few minutes away.
You know our address?
Right, we'll look for you.
Arrivederci.
That was Antonio Romano.
He'll be by in a little while.
I am so excited.
- Who is Antonio Romano?
- He told me he
thinks he's related
to us in some way.
- But he is.
Your grandfather, Michael
Romano, had three brothers,
Arturo, Fabricio and Jake.
- Arturo, Fabricio and Jake?
(laughing)
- Why not?
- Good point.
- Anyway, Antonio wrote me
a month ago from Deerfield.
Or Buffalo, I know
it was an animal.
(laughing)
Didn't I read you the letter?
- No, Grandma, you didn't.
- Well, anyway, he's been
looking up the family tree
and we are all blood relatives.
Well, except Mark
and Max and me.
But your mother is half Romano,
which makes you a full
one quarter blood relative
to your grandfather and
1/8 to 1/16 to Antonio,
depending on who
else he's related to.
Look at this room, I
got to clean this up,
what a mess this is.
- Grandma, Grandma,
Barbara gets a call
from a guy who says
he thinks he's a relative.
Thinks, now he's not
sure, why are you?
- Genealogy.
See I looked this
up after he wrote me.
Well, you know they
have charts and tables
at all the libraries
and I am practically
positive that I'm sure that
Barbara and her mother
are almost very definitely
related to Antonio.
- That almost positively
perhaps makes your baby
and almost unqualified 100
percent 1/32 Romano, maybe.
- You don't have
to be sarcastic.
I think it'd be great if Annie
had a relative from Italy.
- Listen, you got to start
and teach her Italian.
But start with the hands, okay.
- I just want to
know who is this guy
that's supposedly half
the world is related to.
- Grandma said she
looked up the family tree.
- Five minutes ago we
never heard of this guy.
We know nothing about him.
Who is he, how old is he,
what's the name of his dog?
- Bruno.
Now listen carefully because
I'm only gonna say this once.
Arturo is younger than
my husband, Michael,
Barbara's grandfather and
your mother-in-law's father.
- I'm already lost.
- Okay, okay, Arturo was
the last one to leave Italy.
Jake was born in
Scranton, Pennsylvania.
- Hold your thought
Grandma, I gotta go check
the oven and see the
time on my Wellington,
I'll be right back.
- His what?
- Oh, he's making a fancy
beef Wellington for dinner.
Go ahead, Grandma.
- Okay, so that leaves Fabricio.
Fabricio was the second
brother and he was born
in a little village
called Busta Brazini
or Bosta Bozooni or
something like that in Italy.
(laughing)
- So Antonio is Fabricio's.
- Mark, please
don't interrupt me.
I've got this all memorized.
Okay, after the war,
Fabricio married
Stephanie Naracini
in Busta Brazini
or Bosta Brazooni.
And they went to the
Castolioni because they're cousin
was a priest named
Father Bazoosi.
- Is he related to?
- Castolioni and Father Bazoosi
and then they had a child
named Ramona Romano.
- Ramona Romano?
Ramona Romano?
- Ramona Romano
married Geno Andricotti.
Isn't that cheese?
But anyway, he says
that Antonio and Fabricio
are second cousins
through Ed Jucipino Romano,
but only the Solilustari
side of the family
in Chivitanto, but that
isn't there anymore.
Because, see, it was
wiped out by the great
Cavasosa Tente avalanche.
(laughing)
- All right, Grandma,
I'm ready to hear
all about the family now.
(laughing)
- I want you to hear
about Ramona Romano.
- Ramona Romano.
- Wait a second, I happen
to be interested in my roots.
Go ahead Grandma.
Well, see it's gets kind of
hazy after the avalanche.
- Okay, time, time, time, time.
Antonio is here in Indianapolis.
What does he want?
- Why does he have
to want anything?
Maybe he's just
curious about us.
Maybe he would
like to say hello.
- Or maybe he's rich.
Little Annie would like that.
- Or maybe her father
would like that even more.
- Or maybe we better
get out to the kitchen
because I think I smell
the Wellington losing
the battle of Waterloo.
- I got 15 minutes left.
- Don't give me that look.
You gotta admit, this whole
thing is pretty suspicious.
Grandma goes and
does a little research
and comes up with these
facts that she can't pronounce
and places that
probably don't exist.
- And what did your
horoscope say today?
Grouchy?
Really, Mark, this
cynical attitude of yours
is very annoying.
- Well, the Wellington lost.
Max's furious with you Mark.
- What did I do to him?
- Well, I hope you're happy pal.
You think this'll
feed four people?
- What are you
yelling at me for?
I didn't burn your damn roast.
- Aren't you the one who
said you could fix the dial
on the oven?
Let me quote you exactly.
I can fix that dial.
Well, you made it so 200
degrees is really 500 degrees.
My Wellington never had
a chance you murderer.
(laughing)
- I have a suggestion
for you pal.
Next time you want to check
the temperature of the oven,
stick your head in
and check if personally.
(doorbell ringing)
- Listen, next time I want
your help Mr. Dentist,
you can just keep your
little fingers out of there.
- I'll take my fingers
and I'll tell you exactly.
(whistling)
- What's the matter
with this family?
The first little thing goes
wrong, we're at each other's.
(doorbell ringing)
- Little thing.
(all arguing)
- Shut up.
There is someone at the door.
- I can't believe.
- Shh.
- Hello.
I'm Tony Romano.
- There goes rich.
(laughing)
- One of my favorite meals.
Chicken inside a box.
(laughing)
- Better than the
beef charcoal, huh?
- Father, I'm
sorry, if he didn't.
- Please, no more father.
- Listen, mother,
if he hadn't ruined.
(laughing)
- No, no, no, no, really.
I'm Tony Romano.
Now everybody
say after me, Tony.
- [All] Tony.
- That's good.
- Oh, see, I told you he
has the Romano jawline,
just like my, I'm sorry.
Just like Barbara's grandfather
and the eyes, and the feet.
- And the feet?
- Well, the left one turns
in just a little, not much,
just enough to give
him a cute little walk.
- You know something
puzzles me Antonio.
I thought priests were
always attached to a church.
- Mark.
- No, Barbara, that's
a good question.
- You see, I'm a member
of a missionary order
that goes from city to city.
When we reach a new
town, I search for my relatives.
- Listen, I have a
really relevant question.
- Shoot it.
- Whatever happened to
Romano, Romano, what?
- [All] Ramona Romano.
Oh, don't talk, please.
She has 11 children.
And for some strange reason,
they all play the accordion,
the same accordion.
At the same time.
It's a small joke.
(laughing)
- Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, please.
Please, let me help.
Since I'm part of the
family, I can't charge
you for domestic services.
Another small joke.
- Even smaller than the first.
- Obviously you
don't like him Mark.
Why don't you make
him feel really at home
and call the police?
- Did I say I didn't like him?
No, I just get a gut
feeling about things.
You're all so anxious
to have a new relative,
I'm not sure you're
thinking clearly.
- Really?
- Grandma just gave
him the Romano jawline
and the cute Romano left foot.
You look at him like he's
gonna turn water into wine.
- I do not.
You look at him like he just got
finished poisoning the soup.
Why don't you have an open mind?
- I have an open mind.
- You mean we're rich?
We own land?
Tell them.
We own hundreds of acres
in Italy and a store in Italy.
Think of that.
Yeah, and it seems as
though Annie may be in line
to inherit some
farmland in Calabria.
And you, too, Barbara and
me as the widow of a Romano.
- Well, how much property?
- Oh, 15, 1600 acres, I think.
I have to do some research.
So far, most of it belongs
to my Aunt Philamena's cat.
(laughing)
- Can you stay here while
you do your research?
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Come on.
- No.
- Father, there's
always room at the inn.
(laughing)
- Well, I won't be
too much trouble?
- No, it's a big
house, it'll be terrific.
- Sure and you can
have that alcove.
I've been promoted to the attic.
- All right, thank
you, grazie, accept.
- So how long is this
research gonna take.
- Oh, 10 days, two weeks,
two years at the most.
(applauding)
(doorbell ringing)
- Look Barbara.
Next time you borrow my
clothes return the damn things.
I'm already late for my
damn, darn meeting.
Hello, Father.
- Tony Romano, Ann Romano.
Swearer.
- At long last
(speaking Italian).
- Ah, so you're
our new relative.
Well, I've heard an
awful lot about you.
Look, I don't usually
scream at my children,
but she did borrow
something I need and I am late.
- Late for the damn meeting.
- Yes.
- It's very nice that
mother and daughter
can wear the same clothes.
- Well, it's actually just
the sweaters, the jackets.
The tops, you know,
she's taller than I am.
- Here you go.
All cleaned and ready to go.
- Aw, sweetheart, you
didn't have to do that.
- Oh, yes I did.
If I hadn't, you'd have had
me shot and hung out to dry.
- Barbara.
- My father once had a saying.
A girl who wears a wool
sweater starts from scratch.
It's a small joke.
- Yes, very small.
I like you.
- Boy, am I glad.
- Welcome to the family.
I've got to go, I
really have to run.
Nice meeting you
again, bye darling.
- Ciao.
That is a charming lady.
- Yes, she is.
- So how's your research coming?
- Oh, so far I've
determined only one thing.
Aunt Philamena's
cat is named Caligula.
- I found my comb,
I found my comb!
- [Barbara] Great, Grandma.
- It's a miracle.
This comb has
been lost for years.
I bought this on my honeymoon.
And just now for now
reason I was going through
some old music and there it was,
between Beethoven and
How Deep Is The Ocean.
- Miracle of the comb.
- Don't laugh, young lady.
This wonderful man has
been here, what, three days?
And the baby hasn't cried
once and you and Mark
have stopped being
unpleasant about certain things.
And Max found
$4 in his old pants.
I think there's an influence
for good in this house.
And he's sitting
right in front of us.
- [Tony] No, Katherine, really.
- It's true, it's true.
Barbara, would you mind
very much if Tony and I
talked alone for a moment.
- No, of course not.
- Thank you.
Thank you, dear.
Tony, this is
embarrassing and I,
about going to church.
- Oh, Katherine, please.
- No, no, no, now let me finish.
I'm a good woman, I really am.
I know finding the
comb is not a miracle,
but I just wanted
you to know that since
you've been here
with your gentle ways
and your sweet
attitude about everything.
Anyway, I'm going to
start going back to church.
- Katherine, I'm glad.
- Yeah, well, I just
wanted you to know.
Tell God.
(laughing)
- Da, ba, da, bop, cha, cha.
- Hey, Tony.
- Hey, good evening Max.
Dinner's gonna be
ready in a few minutes.
- What are you doing,
it's Barbara's turn to cook.
- No, no, no.
I've been here several
days and I already
told Barbara that this is
the turn of Tony Romano.
I'm gonna cook for
you something special.
- Oh, yeah, what
are you cooking?
- An old Romano recipe.
Irish stew.
(laughing)
It's pretty good.
Oh, Max, while I think of it,
I was upstairs today
to see baby Annie,
with Katherine's
permission, of course.
You have a magnificent
little girl there,
take my word for it.
- Thank you, I will.
- You know, she looked at me.
This child of only
one and a half
and she said to me, I swear Max,
she said to me, bayloo.
- Bayloo?
Usually she says grevneg.
- That means very, very,
very handsome in Portuguese.
This child of yours was trying
to tell me something Max.
- I'll tell you Tony, I can't
wait until she grows up
and we can really
start sharing things.
- You promise me one thing?
Don't wait, enjoy your baby now.
Time is a terrible thief Max.
- Thanks, thanks
for caring Tony.
I'm gonna go wash up.
Well, Dr. Royer, in
case it doesn't come up
in the course of our
dinner conversation,
my daughter happens
to speak Portuguese.
- Why not?
She doesn't speak English.
Hello, Tony.
Gotta call this guy early before
he gives me the slip again.
Oh, perfect, busy.
So, how was your day?
- Pretty good.
You having trouble
with this fellow?
- Yeah, I worked on this
guy's teeth months ago.
He won't pay me
and I need the money.
The guy's a deadbeat.
- Well, perhaps his
beats are really dead.
What I mean to say is
that maybe he does not pay
because he cannot pay.
You know, illness
of children perhaps,
or a dying mother or
wife that is great with child,
destitute neighbor.
- This guy's a trombone player,
they don't have neighbors.
(laughing)
- This teeth you
fix, they in the front?
- Yeah, incisors.
- Well, without these
teeth, he cannot play.
It's not true.
Without these teeth his trombone
is gonna make the sound pffft.
(laughing)
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
I need the money,
but I'll give him
another couple of weeks.
- On the other hand,
you repaired the teeth
of this man with
the shriveled soul,
this his name and number?
- Yeah, oh, oh, oh,
don't, don't, don't.
- Who does not
pay an honest debt.
Hello, trombonist Wilson.
You in condition to play a gag.
- Gig.
- Gig, good.
Perhaps you would like to know
that you are
playing the trombone
with Dr. Mark Royer's teeth.
Also hence forward,
you are not permitted
to take one bite of food.
Because the teeth do
not belong to you yet.
(laughing)
You pay, you eat.
You don't pay, you starve.
(laughing)
The tooth angel, that's who.
(applauding)
- The tooth angel?
- I know it makes no sense,
but I guarantee he maybe
is gonna begin to think.
You agree?
(humming)
- Ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Bonjourno, Max.
- Good morning Senore.
You been to church already.
- Ah, yes, gotta clear
the day for the ballgame.
(laughing
- Listen Tony, what do
you think about ducks?
- They quack me up.
(laughing)
I'm getting better, eh?
- Well, that's a
matter of opinion.
- Quack me up.
- No, I mean real ducks.
I was thinking about taking
Annie to the pond today.
You know, chasing
the ducks around.
- Oh, Max, now don't you
think St. Francis of Assisi
would prefer you feed
the duck instead of chase?
- Yes, you're right.
Okay, I'll see you later.
- Morning Max.
- Hey, doll.
- Bonjourno Barbara.
- Bonjourno Tony.
I'm glad you're back.
I'm gonna go to
church with Grandma.
- Oh, you gonna love
his morning's sermon.
It's guaranteed not
to keep you awake.
- Can I ask you something?
- Oh, it's important enough
for sitting down, huh?
You know ever
since you got here,
something, something
nice has really
happened to this family.
Would you do me a favor
and hear my confession?
- No, Barbara.
- Oh, look, it's nothing major.
Little things like
I yelled at Mark,
I hung up on my mother.
- No, no, no, I'm sorry.
- Well, look, I know that
this family isn't, you know,
big on going to
church all the time.
- It's not that.
I don't have my stole with me.
- Oh, well, that's okay.
I mean, it doesn't
have to be official.
I just would feel
better if it was you.
- Barbara, it's not that.
- [Katherine] Barbara,
time to get dressed.
- Don't you want to?
- Barbara, Grandma wants
you upstairs this minute.
Not tomorrow, not next
week, but this minute.
That's a direct quote.
She doesn't want to get
nasty because it's Sunday.
(laughing)
- Am I breaking some
sort of rule or something?
- No, my dear.
- [Katherine] Barbara.
- We'll talk later.
- Oh, boy, I never get
the sports section first.
You okay?
- Hmm?
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
No, I'm not.
Barbara asked me
to hear her confession.
- [Mark] So?
- I can't, I'm not a priest.
- Of course you're a priest.
You're wearing the collar.
You mean anyone
can buy a collar.
- Oh, I was in the seminary,
but I didn't finish.
How you say I cannot cut it.
- Then why?
- I found the collar gives
me a certain respect.
- Respect, you
put on that collar,
you look up Romanos and
then you freeload off of them
a while until they
get suspicious
and then you move on.
You call that respect.
- I know, you're right.
It started by accident.
Oh, not the collar,
that was deliberate.
But then I got in touch
with my first Romanos,
I stayed three months.
They were a very nice family.
You see, it's a wonderful life.
I get to meet people
that might belong to me
and then I move on.
You're early
suspicions were correct.
- Tony, if the collar
means that much to you,
why don't you go
back to the seminary?
- I like being part of a family.
I like food, warmth,
comfort, love.
And priests have
responsibilities
that I'm not prepared for.
You see, I'm lazy.
- Yes, I'll buy that.
Are you even a Romano?
- Oh, yes, that is
indeed my name,
but I'm not sure that
I'm related to anybody.
- Okay, okay, okay, now
who's coming to church with us?
Isn't it beautiful?
Well, somebody say something.
Come on, this cost me a bundle,
plus the hat plus
tax, plus a lot of nerve.
Come on, Mark.
- You look great, Grandma.
- Thank you.
You coming with us Tony.
- Listen everybody, I've got
some bad news about Tony.
- Oh, what?
- Tony's been assigned
to a parish in another town.
He's gotta leave right away.
It's in, um, uh, where
did you say Tony?
- Boise.
(laughing)
- No, no, they can't
send you away.
We love you.
Ooh, they can't do
this, I won't let them.
I'll tell God on them.
(laughing)
They can't.
- Grandma, we
have to get to church.
- I know.
- You will still be here when
we get back, won't you?
- Good.
- That's what you
were trying to say.
Well, are you coming with us?
- Me?
- Yes, you, coming to
church with me, your wife.
- Oh, well, I don't know.
- Oh, I thought maybe Mark
might perhaps help me pack.
- Okay.
- I absolve you my son.
(door slamming)
For what it's worth.
- Thank you, Father.
(applauding)
("One Day at a
Time" instrumental)
♪ This is life, the one you
get, so go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time
- Mark, please,
just stop it already.
Why don't you just
bill your patients again.
Just don't bite my head off.
- I might as well
write these bills
and throw them directly
into the trash can.
These people have no
intention of paying me.
- Then next time, leave the
tooth and extract the wallet.
(laughing)
- Thanks for the advice.
(telephone ringing)
I'll get it.
Hello?
No, no, no, no, there's a
Barbara Royer, not Romano.
No, that's her mother's name.
Hold on a second.
Here, take this.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hello?
Right, Barbara.
No, her name is Ann.
Uh, Katherine, look,
I really shouldn't be
telling you all this.
- I think you just did.
(laughing)
- Antonio Romano,
are we related.
- Tony?
Tony, is that you?
This is Katherine.
Where are you?
He's in town.
- Tony's in town.
(laughing)
- Where exactly are you?
Well, that's just a
few minutes away.
You know our address?
Right, we'll look for you.
Arrivederci.
That was Antonio Romano.
He'll be by in a little while.
I am so excited.
- Who is Antonio Romano?
- He told me he
thinks he's related
to us in some way.
- But he is.
Your grandfather, Michael
Romano, had three brothers,
Arturo, Fabricio and Jake.
- Arturo, Fabricio and Jake?
(laughing)
- Why not?
- Good point.
- Anyway, Antonio wrote me
a month ago from Deerfield.
Or Buffalo, I know
it was an animal.
(laughing)
Didn't I read you the letter?
- No, Grandma, you didn't.
- Well, anyway, he's been
looking up the family tree
and we are all blood relatives.
Well, except Mark
and Max and me.
But your mother is half Romano,
which makes you a full
one quarter blood relative
to your grandfather and
1/8 to 1/16 to Antonio,
depending on who
else he's related to.
Look at this room, I
got to clean this up,
what a mess this is.
- Grandma, Grandma,
Barbara gets a call
from a guy who says
he thinks he's a relative.
Thinks, now he's not
sure, why are you?
- Genealogy.
See I looked this
up after he wrote me.
Well, you know they
have charts and tables
at all the libraries
and I am practically
positive that I'm sure that
Barbara and her mother
are almost very definitely
related to Antonio.
- That almost positively
perhaps makes your baby
and almost unqualified 100
percent 1/32 Romano, maybe.
- You don't have
to be sarcastic.
I think it'd be great if Annie
had a relative from Italy.
- Listen, you got to start
and teach her Italian.
But start with the hands, okay.
- I just want to
know who is this guy
that's supposedly half
the world is related to.
- Grandma said she
looked up the family tree.
- Five minutes ago we
never heard of this guy.
We know nothing about him.
Who is he, how old is he,
what's the name of his dog?
- Bruno.
Now listen carefully because
I'm only gonna say this once.
Arturo is younger than
my husband, Michael,
Barbara's grandfather and
your mother-in-law's father.
- I'm already lost.
- Okay, okay, Arturo was
the last one to leave Italy.
Jake was born in
Scranton, Pennsylvania.
- Hold your thought
Grandma, I gotta go check
the oven and see the
time on my Wellington,
I'll be right back.
- His what?
- Oh, he's making a fancy
beef Wellington for dinner.
Go ahead, Grandma.
- Okay, so that leaves Fabricio.
Fabricio was the second
brother and he was born
in a little village
called Busta Brazini
or Bosta Bozooni or
something like that in Italy.
(laughing)
- So Antonio is Fabricio's.
- Mark, please
don't interrupt me.
I've got this all memorized.
Okay, after the war,
Fabricio married
Stephanie Naracini
in Busta Brazini
or Bosta Brazooni.
And they went to the
Castolioni because they're cousin
was a priest named
Father Bazoosi.
- Is he related to?
- Castolioni and Father Bazoosi
and then they had a child
named Ramona Romano.
- Ramona Romano?
Ramona Romano?
- Ramona Romano
married Geno Andricotti.
Isn't that cheese?
But anyway, he says
that Antonio and Fabricio
are second cousins
through Ed Jucipino Romano,
but only the Solilustari
side of the family
in Chivitanto, but that
isn't there anymore.
Because, see, it was
wiped out by the great
Cavasosa Tente avalanche.
(laughing)
- All right, Grandma,
I'm ready to hear
all about the family now.
(laughing)
- I want you to hear
about Ramona Romano.
- Ramona Romano.
- Wait a second, I happen
to be interested in my roots.
Go ahead Grandma.
Well, see it's gets kind of
hazy after the avalanche.
- Okay, time, time, time, time.
Antonio is here in Indianapolis.
What does he want?
- Why does he have
to want anything?
Maybe he's just
curious about us.
Maybe he would
like to say hello.
- Or maybe he's rich.
Little Annie would like that.
- Or maybe her father
would like that even more.
- Or maybe we better
get out to the kitchen
because I think I smell
the Wellington losing
the battle of Waterloo.
- I got 15 minutes left.
- Don't give me that look.
You gotta admit, this whole
thing is pretty suspicious.
Grandma goes and
does a little research
and comes up with these
facts that she can't pronounce
and places that
probably don't exist.
- And what did your
horoscope say today?
Grouchy?
Really, Mark, this
cynical attitude of yours
is very annoying.
- Well, the Wellington lost.
Max's furious with you Mark.
- What did I do to him?
- Well, I hope you're happy pal.
You think this'll
feed four people?
- What are you
yelling at me for?
I didn't burn your damn roast.
- Aren't you the one who
said you could fix the dial
on the oven?
Let me quote you exactly.
I can fix that dial.
Well, you made it so 200
degrees is really 500 degrees.
My Wellington never had
a chance you murderer.
(laughing)
- I have a suggestion
for you pal.
Next time you want to check
the temperature of the oven,
stick your head in
and check if personally.
(doorbell ringing)
- Listen, next time I want
your help Mr. Dentist,
you can just keep your
little fingers out of there.
- I'll take my fingers
and I'll tell you exactly.
(whistling)
- What's the matter
with this family?
The first little thing goes
wrong, we're at each other's.
(doorbell ringing)
- Little thing.
(all arguing)
- Shut up.
There is someone at the door.
- I can't believe.
- Shh.
- Hello.
I'm Tony Romano.
- There goes rich.
(laughing)
- One of my favorite meals.
Chicken inside a box.
(laughing)
- Better than the
beef charcoal, huh?
- Father, I'm
sorry, if he didn't.
- Please, no more father.
- Listen, mother,
if he hadn't ruined.
(laughing)
- No, no, no, no, really.
I'm Tony Romano.
Now everybody
say after me, Tony.
- [All] Tony.
- That's good.
- Oh, see, I told you he
has the Romano jawline,
just like my, I'm sorry.
Just like Barbara's grandfather
and the eyes, and the feet.
- And the feet?
- Well, the left one turns
in just a little, not much,
just enough to give
him a cute little walk.
- You know something
puzzles me Antonio.
I thought priests were
always attached to a church.
- Mark.
- No, Barbara, that's
a good question.
- You see, I'm a member
of a missionary order
that goes from city to city.
When we reach a new
town, I search for my relatives.
- Listen, I have a
really relevant question.
- Shoot it.
- Whatever happened to
Romano, Romano, what?
- [All] Ramona Romano.
Oh, don't talk, please.
She has 11 children.
And for some strange reason,
they all play the accordion,
the same accordion.
At the same time.
It's a small joke.
(laughing)
- Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, please.
Please, let me help.
Since I'm part of the
family, I can't charge
you for domestic services.
Another small joke.
- Even smaller than the first.
- Obviously you
don't like him Mark.
Why don't you make
him feel really at home
and call the police?
- Did I say I didn't like him?
No, I just get a gut
feeling about things.
You're all so anxious
to have a new relative,
I'm not sure you're
thinking clearly.
- Really?
- Grandma just gave
him the Romano jawline
and the cute Romano left foot.
You look at him like he's
gonna turn water into wine.
- I do not.
You look at him like he just got
finished poisoning the soup.
Why don't you have an open mind?
- I have an open mind.
- You mean we're rich?
We own land?
Tell them.
We own hundreds of acres
in Italy and a store in Italy.
Think of that.
Yeah, and it seems as
though Annie may be in line
to inherit some
farmland in Calabria.
And you, too, Barbara and
me as the widow of a Romano.
- Well, how much property?
- Oh, 15, 1600 acres, I think.
I have to do some research.
So far, most of it belongs
to my Aunt Philamena's cat.
(laughing)
- Can you stay here while
you do your research?
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Come on.
- No.
- Father, there's
always room at the inn.
(laughing)
- Well, I won't be
too much trouble?
- No, it's a big
house, it'll be terrific.
- Sure and you can
have that alcove.
I've been promoted to the attic.
- All right, thank
you, grazie, accept.
- So how long is this
research gonna take.
- Oh, 10 days, two weeks,
two years at the most.
(applauding)
(doorbell ringing)
- Look Barbara.
Next time you borrow my
clothes return the damn things.
I'm already late for my
damn, darn meeting.
Hello, Father.
- Tony Romano, Ann Romano.
Swearer.
- At long last
(speaking Italian).
- Ah, so you're
our new relative.
Well, I've heard an
awful lot about you.
Look, I don't usually
scream at my children,
but she did borrow
something I need and I am late.
- Late for the damn meeting.
- Yes.
- It's very nice that
mother and daughter
can wear the same clothes.
- Well, it's actually just
the sweaters, the jackets.
The tops, you know,
she's taller than I am.
- Here you go.
All cleaned and ready to go.
- Aw, sweetheart, you
didn't have to do that.
- Oh, yes I did.
If I hadn't, you'd have had
me shot and hung out to dry.
- Barbara.
- My father once had a saying.
A girl who wears a wool
sweater starts from scratch.
It's a small joke.
- Yes, very small.
I like you.
- Boy, am I glad.
- Welcome to the family.
I've got to go, I
really have to run.
Nice meeting you
again, bye darling.
- Ciao.
That is a charming lady.
- Yes, she is.
- So how's your research coming?
- Oh, so far I've
determined only one thing.
Aunt Philamena's
cat is named Caligula.
- I found my comb,
I found my comb!
- [Barbara] Great, Grandma.
- It's a miracle.
This comb has
been lost for years.
I bought this on my honeymoon.
And just now for now
reason I was going through
some old music and there it was,
between Beethoven and
How Deep Is The Ocean.
- Miracle of the comb.
- Don't laugh, young lady.
This wonderful man has
been here, what, three days?
And the baby hasn't cried
once and you and Mark
have stopped being
unpleasant about certain things.
And Max found
$4 in his old pants.
I think there's an influence
for good in this house.
And he's sitting
right in front of us.
- [Tony] No, Katherine, really.
- It's true, it's true.
Barbara, would you mind
very much if Tony and I
talked alone for a moment.
- No, of course not.
- Thank you.
Thank you, dear.
Tony, this is
embarrassing and I,
about going to church.
- Oh, Katherine, please.
- No, no, no, now let me finish.
I'm a good woman, I really am.
I know finding the
comb is not a miracle,
but I just wanted
you to know that since
you've been here
with your gentle ways
and your sweet
attitude about everything.
Anyway, I'm going to
start going back to church.
- Katherine, I'm glad.
- Yeah, well, I just
wanted you to know.
Tell God.
(laughing)
- Da, ba, da, bop, cha, cha.
- Hey, Tony.
- Hey, good evening Max.
Dinner's gonna be
ready in a few minutes.
- What are you doing,
it's Barbara's turn to cook.
- No, no, no.
I've been here several
days and I already
told Barbara that this is
the turn of Tony Romano.
I'm gonna cook for
you something special.
- Oh, yeah, what
are you cooking?
- An old Romano recipe.
Irish stew.
(laughing)
It's pretty good.
Oh, Max, while I think of it,
I was upstairs today
to see baby Annie,
with Katherine's
permission, of course.
You have a magnificent
little girl there,
take my word for it.
- Thank you, I will.
- You know, she looked at me.
This child of only
one and a half
and she said to me, I swear Max,
she said to me, bayloo.
- Bayloo?
Usually she says grevneg.
- That means very, very,
very handsome in Portuguese.
This child of yours was trying
to tell me something Max.
- I'll tell you Tony, I can't
wait until she grows up
and we can really
start sharing things.
- You promise me one thing?
Don't wait, enjoy your baby now.
Time is a terrible thief Max.
- Thanks, thanks
for caring Tony.
I'm gonna go wash up.
Well, Dr. Royer, in
case it doesn't come up
in the course of our
dinner conversation,
my daughter happens
to speak Portuguese.
- Why not?
She doesn't speak English.
Hello, Tony.
Gotta call this guy early before
he gives me the slip again.
Oh, perfect, busy.
So, how was your day?
- Pretty good.
You having trouble
with this fellow?
- Yeah, I worked on this
guy's teeth months ago.
He won't pay me
and I need the money.
The guy's a deadbeat.
- Well, perhaps his
beats are really dead.
What I mean to say is
that maybe he does not pay
because he cannot pay.
You know, illness
of children perhaps,
or a dying mother or
wife that is great with child,
destitute neighbor.
- This guy's a trombone player,
they don't have neighbors.
(laughing)
- This teeth you
fix, they in the front?
- Yeah, incisors.
- Well, without these
teeth, he cannot play.
It's not true.
Without these teeth his trombone
is gonna make the sound pffft.
(laughing)
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
I need the money,
but I'll give him
another couple of weeks.
- On the other hand,
you repaired the teeth
of this man with
the shriveled soul,
this his name and number?
- Yeah, oh, oh, oh,
don't, don't, don't.
- Who does not
pay an honest debt.
Hello, trombonist Wilson.
You in condition to play a gag.
- Gig.
- Gig, good.
Perhaps you would like to know
that you are
playing the trombone
with Dr. Mark Royer's teeth.
Also hence forward,
you are not permitted
to take one bite of food.
Because the teeth do
not belong to you yet.
(laughing)
You pay, you eat.
You don't pay, you starve.
(laughing)
The tooth angel, that's who.
(applauding)
- The tooth angel?
- I know it makes no sense,
but I guarantee he maybe
is gonna begin to think.
You agree?
(humming)
- Ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Bonjourno, Max.
- Good morning Senore.
You been to church already.
- Ah, yes, gotta clear
the day for the ballgame.
(laughing
- Listen Tony, what do
you think about ducks?
- They quack me up.
(laughing)
I'm getting better, eh?
- Well, that's a
matter of opinion.
- Quack me up.
- No, I mean real ducks.
I was thinking about taking
Annie to the pond today.
You know, chasing
the ducks around.
- Oh, Max, now don't you
think St. Francis of Assisi
would prefer you feed
the duck instead of chase?
- Yes, you're right.
Okay, I'll see you later.
- Morning Max.
- Hey, doll.
- Bonjourno Barbara.
- Bonjourno Tony.
I'm glad you're back.
I'm gonna go to
church with Grandma.
- Oh, you gonna love
his morning's sermon.
It's guaranteed not
to keep you awake.
- Can I ask you something?
- Oh, it's important enough
for sitting down, huh?
You know ever
since you got here,
something, something
nice has really
happened to this family.
Would you do me a favor
and hear my confession?
- No, Barbara.
- Oh, look, it's nothing major.
Little things like
I yelled at Mark,
I hung up on my mother.
- No, no, no, I'm sorry.
- Well, look, I know that
this family isn't, you know,
big on going to
church all the time.
- It's not that.
I don't have my stole with me.
- Oh, well, that's okay.
I mean, it doesn't
have to be official.
I just would feel
better if it was you.
- Barbara, it's not that.
- [Katherine] Barbara,
time to get dressed.
- Don't you want to?
- Barbara, Grandma wants
you upstairs this minute.
Not tomorrow, not next
week, but this minute.
That's a direct quote.
She doesn't want to get
nasty because it's Sunday.
(laughing)
- Am I breaking some
sort of rule or something?
- No, my dear.
- [Katherine] Barbara.
- We'll talk later.
- Oh, boy, I never get
the sports section first.
You okay?
- Hmm?
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
No, I'm not.
Barbara asked me
to hear her confession.
- [Mark] So?
- I can't, I'm not a priest.
- Of course you're a priest.
You're wearing the collar.
You mean anyone
can buy a collar.
- Oh, I was in the seminary,
but I didn't finish.
How you say I cannot cut it.
- Then why?
- I found the collar gives
me a certain respect.
- Respect, you
put on that collar,
you look up Romanos and
then you freeload off of them
a while until they
get suspicious
and then you move on.
You call that respect.
- I know, you're right.
It started by accident.
Oh, not the collar,
that was deliberate.
But then I got in touch
with my first Romanos,
I stayed three months.
They were a very nice family.
You see, it's a wonderful life.
I get to meet people
that might belong to me
and then I move on.
You're early
suspicions were correct.
- Tony, if the collar
means that much to you,
why don't you go
back to the seminary?
- I like being part of a family.
I like food, warmth,
comfort, love.
And priests have
responsibilities
that I'm not prepared for.
You see, I'm lazy.
- Yes, I'll buy that.
Are you even a Romano?
- Oh, yes, that is
indeed my name,
but I'm not sure that
I'm related to anybody.
- Okay, okay, okay, now
who's coming to church with us?
Isn't it beautiful?
Well, somebody say something.
Come on, this cost me a bundle,
plus the hat plus
tax, plus a lot of nerve.
Come on, Mark.
- You look great, Grandma.
- Thank you.
You coming with us Tony.
- Listen everybody, I've got
some bad news about Tony.
- Oh, what?
- Tony's been assigned
to a parish in another town.
He's gotta leave right away.
It's in, um, uh, where
did you say Tony?
- Boise.
(laughing)
- No, no, they can't
send you away.
We love you.
Ooh, they can't do
this, I won't let them.
I'll tell God on them.
(laughing)
They can't.
- Grandma, we
have to get to church.
- I know.
- You will still be here when
we get back, won't you?
- Good.
- That's what you
were trying to say.
Well, are you coming with us?
- Me?
- Yes, you, coming to
church with me, your wife.
- Oh, well, I don't know.
- Oh, I thought maybe Mark
might perhaps help me pack.
- Okay.
- I absolve you my son.
(door slamming)
For what it's worth.
- Thank you, Father.
(applauding)
("One Day at a
Time" instrumental)