One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 17 - Bring in the Clowns - full transcript

Mark's friend's jokes are going too far so Barbara decides to teach them a lesson.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

(doorbell rings)

- Who is it?

- [Francine] Francine Webster.

- Oh, come on in, Francine.

- Oh Barbara, the airline
tickets that you ordered,

oh my god.

- Oh, don't worry, relax.

I'm fine.

- How can you say you're fine?

Would you like
me to autograph it?

- Let me tell you
a little story, okay?

Sit down, it's
gonna take a minute.

See, last week, Mark
was upstairs taking a nap

and I was sitting here,
reading a magazine.

And all of a sudden, there
was a knock at the door.


Who is it?

- [Man] Miss, may
I use your phone?

I think my wife
is having a baby.

- Oh well, why don't
you give me your

doctor's phone
number and I'll call-

- You don't understand,
she's got to lie down.

- But...

- Please lady, I think the
baby's coming right now.

You've got to let us in, please?

Thank you.

- Mark.
- Just get her to the couch.

- What happened?

Mark, Mark.

- We were on our way
to her mother's house

and all of a sudden
she started screaming.

She's not due for
another two months.

Breathe Doris, it's okay.

We're having a baby, but
we're in this lady's house.

She's a woman,
she'll do the delivery.

- No, no, no, I'll
call your doctor.

What's your doctor's
phone number?

- What seems to be
the problem here?

- This lady's gonna have a baby.

- I'm a dentist, I'll
take care of this.

Oh I see, huh?

Stop whining, lady.

I said shut up and
be quiet, sit down.

You get away from me.


- Come on, Doris,
let's get out of here.

- Rude, rude, rude.


- Honey, honey,
this is Frank Morton

and Ralph Eberson.

- Hi.

- Last time we did this
trick, I had the baby.

- In the girl's gym.

- During a basketball game.

- Yeah, and I wasn't quite
as ugly as you are, bud.

- Thank you.

- Oh I forgot, this is my wife.

Let go of me.

You okay, honey?

- Fine.

- So what have you been doing?

- Frank Morton
and Ralph Eberson,

this is your biography.

The year 1956, a child is born.


- 1957, another child is born.

- I ain't squealing, father.

No matter what you do to me.

- 1968, they decide
to go into Vordeville.



- Then they go into
the legitimate stage.

- Next.

- If music be
the food of love...

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Cold and despondent.

Their hopes shattered,
they ventured to...

- [Mark] The moon.

- The moon?

- The moon.
- The moon, the moon.

Well, Cadet Blacky, I
just got this telegram

from the President of Earth.

It says we must
go to Indianapolis.

- Why?

- Because there's
an audition there.

- Why?

- Because it is the
city of the future.

Future, future.
- Future, future.

- They were in the drama
department in high school.

- I would've never known.

- Oh yeah, we were.
- Oh yeah.

No seriously, this is
a giant audition here,

so me and Alice
decided to jump in

the big green weenie,
and here we are.

- We all call each
other Alice for...

- Alice?
- Yeah, I don't know why.

And the green weenie
is a 1950 Hudson.

- Anyway, the
audition is at six o'clock

so I was wondering, we
wanted to come meet your wife

and maybe if we
could take a shower.

- Oh yeah sure, maybe
a change of clothes?

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, go get your gear.

- A pretty girl.

- Oh shut up, okay?
- Get out of here.

Aren't they great?

Oh, you should've seen
the three of us in high school.

We tore the place up.

- Mark, they scared
me to death with

this baby business
because when, and you

hit your, and I thought
you were really...

- I know, you're supposed to.

That's the fun of it.

- The fun of it?

- Sure, I told you
about these guys.

They've been my best
friends in the world.

They wouldn't hurt anybody.

Oh come on, where's
your sense of humor?

- My sense of humor?

- Oh yeah, what's
that right there?

- Okay, Alice.

- Oh.

- I have a sense of humor, too.

- [Mark] Yeah, you
have a sense of humor.


- Hey you know what, I
just thought of something.

We missed your wedding,
we never got a chance

to kiss the bride.
- Watch it.

- You be good to him, okay?

I don't know why,
but we love him.

- Yeah.
- Me too.

- Yeah, I don't know
what I would have done

without these guys
when my folks broke up.

- I loaned him my mother.

- I gave him my sister.

- I gave her back.

- All right, enough hilarity.

Which room is ours?

- Room?

- Yeah, they're kidding.

- [Both] Kidding, who's kidding?

- Yeah, they're kidding.

But would you like
something to eat?

- [Both] Eat, ah, yes.

- Good idea.
- Yes.

- Nothing simple.
- Yes.

- How about some sandwiches?

- Oh, could you?
- Yes.

- Nice girl.

Keep her.

- Yeah, I got real lucky.

- Speaking of washing
up, where's the bathroom?

- Oh well grab your
stuff, I'll show you.

Grab your stuff.

It's right in there.

- Oh, you never
saw such a nice day.

Oh, we have company.

Hello, young man.

I'm Mark's grandmother in law.
- Hi.

- Grandma, this is Frank Morton.

He's an old friend.

- Oh, now nice for you.

All my old friends are in homes.

I bought a toy for the baby.

- Baby, when did you have her?

- I love your friend.

Honey actually, I'm
really not her grandmother.

I'm her great-grandmother.

I wonder why that
word sticks in my throat.

- So what'd you get the baby?

- Well, I'd show you but I
just can't get the box open.

You know how they seal these.
- Here, let me do it.

I bet you've got like
scissors or something

in the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

- Now that is a sweet young man.

How long have you
known each other?

- Oh, a long time.

We went to school together.

- Oh, how nice for you.
- Yeah.

- All set, let me
get the toy out.

- Beg your pardon?

- I got the box open.

Want me to get the toy out?

- Who are you?

- I'm Frank Morton, you
just met me, remember?

Mark's friend, you
came in, you said hi,

I'm Mark's grandmother
in law, you remember.

- Aren't you shorter?

- I was but I'm not now.

- He's still growing.

- Oh yeah, I got
glands that don't quit.

- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Senility isn't due
for quite a few years.

I know that I came
in that front door...

- Oh but you know, there
was a light behind me.

You saw a silhouette.

- [Barbara] Oh hi
Grandma, you're back.

- Oh Barbara.

Either something very
strange is going on here

or your grandmother
is missing a couple

of tiles from her roof.

This young man went to the
bathroom tall and good looking,

and came back looking like this.

- [Barbara] Mark.

- Frank, oh Frank.
- Frank.

- Ta-da.

Tall and good looking.

You got to admit, we
had you going there

for a couple of seconds.

- Yes, yes you
did, you really did.

Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- Why?

- Because it's funny, Grandma.

- Oh.


- Oh honey, can you set the
table in the other room, please?

- Yeah, sure.

- Unless your friends
aren't coming back.

- Oh no no no no no,
they're coming back

after the audition.

- Oh.

- Ooh, what's for dinner?

Smells good.

- Grandma made meatloaf.

Don't forget, tomorrow
night it's your turn

to make dinner.


- You know.

Frank lived in a
boarding house for awhile

when we were in high school.

They used to make
a lot of meatloaf.

One time, we put a brick in it.

It's not easy to do, you know.

You have to bake a
crust around it and...

- And then when someone
cuts into it, everyone laughs.

- [Mark] Don't you
think that's funny?

- Hilarious.

- Now, look what
some clown tacked up

on our front door.


- Those guys never quit.

- What guys?

- A couple of Mark's
friends from kindergarten

are in town.

- Oh yeah?

- Kindergarten,
very cute, very cute.

No, grammar school all
the way through high school.

Wait until you meet these guys.

You know, we lived
on the same block.

We practically lived
in each other's houses.

In fact, their mothers used
to feed me and tell me off

and my mother fed
them and told them off.

It was great.

- Gee, my mother used
to feed me and tell me off.

I guess I never appreciated it.

- Honey, can you
set the table, please?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Oh here, let me help.

- No Max, Max, Max.
- What?

- About Mark's friends.

- What about them?

- Nothing.

- Oh come on now.

I was halfway out the
door, you called me back.

- I know, I shouldn't
have called you back.

- Yeah but you
did, don't do that.

- Do what?

- Make me curious then cancel.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I
won't do it again.

- Okay, thank you.
- You'll see for yourself.

- See what for myself?

- Nothing.

- Goodbye.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

- Oh good.

- Nice table.

- [Mark] Lovely, isn't it?

- Yes.

- Here, hold this for
a minute, will you?

- What, what?

- Hold it up straight.
- What do you mean?

No, come back.

Did you see that guy?

He came in here, he
gave me a tire to hold.

Is that one of your friends?

- Barbara says dinner will be,

Frank, that man has your tire.

- [Both] Freeze.

- It's okay men,
he's one of mine.

This is Frank Morton
and Ralph Eberson.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

- This is Max,
my brother in law.

- I can't believe I fell for
hold the tire and I held.

Listen, I can, I got a pair
of pliers in the garage.

I'll pull the nail
right out of here.

- [Ralph] Nail, what nail?

That's my spare.


- What do you
think you're fooling?

- [Mark] I taught him
everything though.

- Everybody hold it down.

The baby's asleep.

Oh, your friends are back.

Now let's see now.

You are Frank and you're Ralph.

- No no no, I'm
Ralph, he's Frank.

- Isn't that what I said?

- No, you said he was
Frank and I was Ralph.

- Funny, I thought I was Frank.

- Yeah.

- Oh, I forgot.

You're funny.

- Soup's on.

- No it isn't, no it isn't.

That's meatloaf and
so, meatloaf's on.

That's funny.

- Touche.
- Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- You know,
speaking of meatloaf,

I lived in a boarding house.

- Yes, we heard about
the brick in the meatloaf.

- Brick in the meat, wait.

There is no brick
in my meatloaf.

It might be a little
tough, but it's...

- No Grandma, they put
a brick in a meatloaf once.

- Why?

- Same reason they gave
me a tire to hold, Grandma.

For laughs.


- They gave you a tire to hold.

What a cute thing to do.

- [Mark] Hey, you guys
never said what happened

at the audition.

- Oh bad news, we got the parts.

- [Mark] That's great.

So you're gonna
be around for awhile.

- Yeah, for the run of the play.

Could be years.

- [Mark] So where
you gonna stay?

- Oh, in the car.
- Under the car.

- In a box.
- Bus terminal, sewer.

- Sewer, sewer.
- I don't know.

Yeah, sewer would be good.
- Sewer's good.

- [Mark] Oh come
on, come on, come on.

They're gonna
stay with us, right?

- [Both] Right.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow


- Step lively, step lively.

One of the most
exciting exhibits.

America's own,
this cage of apes.

Watch the flash sir, it sends
them into a mating pattern.

This one especially.

Notice the lack of
intelligence in their

beady little eyes.

Here you go, Bonzo.

I apologize for the apes.

They're usually more alert.

As we enter the snail grotto.



- What is it, is Annie
okay, what's the matter?



- Everybody ready?

- Okay, thank you.

- Really hope
you guys like this.

- Okay.

- Ralph, come on, hurry up.

I'm about ready to carve.


(phone rings)
- I'll get it, honey.


No, this is not the
Ayatollah's wife.

No, it's not his
mistress either.

Goodbye, Frank.

Okay goodbye, Ralph.

Get rid of them.

- What?

- I'm serious.

How much longer do you
expect me to put up with this?

- Barbara, if you have
something to say, say it.

Don't start by asking questions.

- Look, Mark, maybe
you think this is funny.

But I have had it.

I hate to answer the phone.

I'm scared to walk anywhere.

This isn't my house anymore,
it's a three ring circus.

- [Mark] Oh come on.

- It's not funny.

I resent them and
I resent their jokes.

And what I really
resent is you laughing

at everything they do,
like a monkey on a stick.

- They're just harmless tricks.

- Mark, this isn't you.

You don't play
games with people.

You don't laugh at someone
else's expense, or do you?

- Honey, they make me laugh.

We make each other laugh.

What's wrong with that?

- Have you noticed you're
the only one who laughs?

- Could it be that
I'm the only one

who has a sense of
humor around here?

- No.

- Well, I thought I'd
just give that a shot.

They're my friends, maybe
the closest friends I've ever had.

I can't just kick them out.

Besides, it's not
like they're taking up

a lot of space.

They're sleeping on the
floor in sleeping bags.

- All right, Mark.
- All right what?

- All right, I will
contain my temper

for just a little while
longer, but I'm warning you.

They're gonna go too far.

They're gonna hurt someone.

- All right, okay, here we go.

The movie's gonna start.

They're showing Fools
Forever on the Early Show.

- [Barbara] Grandma, we're
talking about Mark's friends.

- I know, they are rather
dreadful, aren't they?

Good, this is a beautiful movie.

Everybody dies.

But not for a long time.

- Grandma, have
Ralph and Frank ever

actually hurt you?

- My mother had a saying.

You can only eat so much liver,

no matter how
good it is for you.

Are you being defensive, Mark?
- Yes.

They're my friends, I
happen to like them.

- Oh dear.
- Don't feel guilty, Grandma.

We all have the
same problem here.

- Hi.

- [Barbara] Hi.

- Well, they did it again.

Read this.

- It's a parking ticket.

- Yeah, read the name
of the traffic officer.

- Officer Jokeisonu.

Joke is on you.

- I waited in line an hour
and a half to pay this.

When is this gonna stop?


- Come on now, the
movie's getting juicy.

- Next thing you
know, they'll be putting

rubber snakes in our soup.

I tell you.

I'm getting sick
and tired of this.


Where is he?
- Upstairs.

- Mark, you better
get down here.

- Will you hold your voice down?

Chloe is about to
tell Clark that he's

the father of the baby.

- Mark, I'm telling you.

You better get
down here right now.

- Okay, okay.

I will take my set
and go watch upstairs.

But if I miss the
look on Clark's face

when she tells
him about the baby,

you are gonna hear
from me, Maximilian.

By the time this stupid
little set warms up again,

they'll be selling toilet paper.

- What?

- I want your friends
out of this house.

- Oh, she's been
coaching you, huh?


- Come here.

Sit in this chair.

- Suppose I don't want to...

- Just sit in the chair.
- Just sit in it.

He's trying to prove a point.

- Okay thank you, sit.
- Fine.

(farting noise)

- [Max] Wasn't that fun?

- It's a whoopie cushion.

- It's a whoopie cushion.

We enjoyed whoopie cushions
in the ninth grade, Mark.

We don't put frogs in
teacher's desks anymore.

(farting sound)

I see you're not
getting the point.

All right, let me put it
to you this way, okay?

I pay half the
rent in this house.

You pay the other half.

I want those two
dimwits out of my half.

- If their only offense is
making jokes and laughing,

why are you acting like
a dyspeptic old maid?

- You don't laugh.

You giggle like
a little schoolgirl.

- Oh, schoolgirl.
- Yeah, you're remembering

the way it was and you're
trying to push it on us.

Well, we don't want that.

- Okay, the guys
sometimes are a little much,

but I've seen no
attempt on your part

to get to know them.

- How can we?

All they play is tricks,
that's all they do.

We don't know if they're
married or if they're divorced

or if they have any children.

And every time they're
around, I disappear.

- Oh, I see.

You're saying that I'm ignoring
you when they're around.

Is that it, that's
right, isn't it?

- Yes, you do.
- Wait a minute now, guys.

Just a second, please.

This is turning into
husband and wife.

You can do that
on your own time.

Mark, I want them
out of this house.

- No.

- I want them out, that's it.
- No.

They're my friends, a
fact which both of you

seem to ignore.

They're people I care about.

- And what are we, Mark?

- Hyper sensitive,
for one thing.

When Ralph and Frank
include you in a joke,

they presume mutual friendship.

They presume mutual liking
or else they wouldn't do it.

- Do you really get
as big a kick out of this

as you did in kindergarten?

- [Mark] Yes, every bit of it.

- Where are you going?
- Out.

It's getting a
little stuffy in here.

I told you they're funny.

- [Francine] Well you keep
telling me about Mark's friends.

Tell me how you broke your arm.

- Well you see, I had
to tell you the story first

so that you would appreciate...

- Oh hi, Francine.

- [Francine] Oh, hello Mark.

- Here honey, I
brought you some tea.

- Oh, thank you.

- Here we go, one
cake coming right up.

- Oh guys, this is
my mother in law's

business partner,
Francine Webster.

This is Frank Morton
and Ralph Eberson.

- Could you ask Barbara's
mother to forgive us?

- For what?

- For damaging her daughter.

We gave her one of
those cans of peanuts,

only it had a snake on a spring.

- She opened it up on
the top of the stairs and...

- And she fell.

They weren't even here
to take her to the doctor.

- No, Max took me.

- Anyway, the cake's
like a going away present.

We're off the Drury
Lane in Chicago.

- What happened
to the play here?

- [Both] He got fired.

- Listen, we got to go.

We're sorry about
everything and we'll write

and think of us when
you eat the cake, okay?

- Okay, bye.
- We will.

- I'll be out in a
minute to say goodbye.

Well, you were right.

I'm sorry, I'll
make it up to you.

- Barbara, they just break
your arm and then go off?

- Oh well, they
apologized for hours.

So did Mark.



- Isn't that a dirty trick?

- [Barbara] Yeah.

- Well, I love it.

It serves them right, don't
feel guilty for a minute.

- Oh, I don't feel guilty.

Want to know why?

There's a brick in that cake.

That's why it's
shaped like that.

- Barbara, when you're
through with that cast,

I'd like to borrow it.

There's a ski instructor
I'd like to get even with.


- Your arm's not broken.

That's a trick cast, isn't it?

- Oh my goodness,
look at the time.

I have,

I have several
appointments downtown.

One of them is in Idaho.

- You let me fuss over you,
wait on you hand and foot.

I felt so bad, I can't
believe you pulled

a stunt like this on me.

- [Barbara] You
can't believe it?

Cut the cake.

- What?
- Cut it.

Go ahead.

There's no brick in it.

Where's the brick?

- So, you were gonna
teach me a lesson, right?

You went to the trouble
of buying a trick cast

and your arm's not even hurt.

- Not in the slightest.

But it's funny, right?

(upbeat music)