One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 14 - Woman of the House - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

(humming)

- That's no fair!

Flyswatters are illegal.

- [Max] You call that
sneak attack fair?

- The rules of the 1976
Tijuana Accords specifically state

you are not entitled
to a flyswatter.

- Purely a defensive weapon.



- Tell that to the flies.

(laughs)

- Children, children, children,

does anyone have
anything else for the laundry?

- Did you get my cords?

- How could I miss them?

They were standing
in the corner.

(laughs)

Max, laundry?

- [Max] Yeah.

- What are you doing?

- Taking off my socks.

- You're giving me
the socks off your feet?

- I'm a very generous person.
- Very impressed.

- That's disgusting.

- Put that in the
sink, would you?

- Now, wait a
second, wait a second.

Does anybody see anything
wrong with this picture?

- What picture?

- This picture: me standing
here holding the laundry

and the garbage and your socks

while you two are
playing paper airplanes.

- Barbara, I'm a dentist.

You want me to
touch his sweaty socks

and then put my hands
in someone's mouth?

(laughs)

- I happen to have
had a very difficult day.

- I work at the same office.

I had a very difficult day too.

- Does she always
complain like this?

- Give a woman everything,
she's never satisfied.

- You're not amusing.

Come on, you guys.

I take all the time to make
up a good work schedule,

so we should be following it.

Now, I know today is
my day to do the laundry.

Okay, I'm doing it,
but it's not my day

to take out the garbage and
take out your apple cores.

- [Max] Incoming.

(mocks explosion)

I take it she's a little upset.

- Well, you didn't have to
give her your sweaty socks.

- Well, I do her sweaty
socks when it's my turn.

- I don't have sweaty feet.

- [Max] Her feet don't sweat?

- They wouldn't dare.

(laughs)

- For those of you
who don't remember,

this is the work schedule.

Monday, Barbara laundry, Max...

- [Max] Vacuum.

- Mark.
- Cook dinner.

- Did you cook dinner?

- Did I cook? You ate it.

- Ignore her.

It was wonderfully mediocre.

(laughs)

- Did you do the vacuuming?

- [Max] Well...

- Did you?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, look, look, look.

I have a solution
to this problem.

We've all been
working very hard.

There's a great
movie down at the mall.

I say we call grandma, we
get her to take care of the baby.

We go to the movie.

- [Max] I love it.

- No, I'd love to.
- Aw, come on.

- No, we have too much to do.

- Barbara, don't you see?

That's the genius
of Mark's idea.

- Right. What?

- Grandma will come
over, she'll find the laundry,

and she'll do it.

She'll walk into the kitchen.

She'll find the
dishes; she'll do them.

Maybe she'll even vacuum.

- We'll go to a double feature.

She'll paint the house.

(laughs)

- Well, that's really rotten.

- Oh, come on.

Grandmas love to
do that kind of stuff.

- I don't like her
driving home so late.

- So, let her spend the night.

- I'm not gonna call her.

- I'll call her.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- All right. (laughs)

- Good morning.

- That's for sewing the
buttons on my dental jacket.

Thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome,
but I think grandma did it.

- Well, I'll kiss her neck.

- I can't find the orange juice.

Have you seen it?

- Good morning.

- [Barbara] Good
morning, grandma.

- [Mark] Morning, grandma.

- [Barbara] I thought
you were in the bathroom.

- Oh, no, no, no, I've
been up for hours.

I went out to get
oranges for juice.

- We had a pitcher of orange
juice around here someplace.

- Well, I threw it out.

It smelled funny.

Mark, honey, would
you squeeze these?

- I can't, grandma.

It's not on Barbara's
work schedule.

(laughs)

- Squeeze.

Now, honey, you get
dressed, and I will fix breakfast.

- Oh, no, grandma, that's okay.

I can fix it.

- No, no, no, no,
no, you get dressed.

Honey, a husband really
shouldn't see his wife

look like that in the morning.

(laughs)

- I'll say.

- Sweet.

- My pleasure. (laughs)

- The oranges, not the tomato.

(laughs)

Now, how do you like your eggs?

- Well, actually...

- Grandma, we're gonna
have cereal this morning.

Do you want bran, honey?

- Nonsense.

A man should have
something that sticks to his ribs.

Scrambled?

- Well, you know...

- Grandma, I'm trying
to plan a balanced diet.

- Well, of course
you are, darling,

but you just let
grandma unbalance it.

The secret to a happy
home is a stuffed man.

I always said that to my
husband, God rest his soul.

(laughs)

- Oh, this is wonderful.

As my father used to say,
this is like my mother used

to try to make.

(laughs)

- Shut up, and pass the syrup.

- They're pecan waffles,
Barbara's favorite, right dear?

- You really didn't have
to go to all this trouble,

but they are superb.

- Oh, thank you, dear.

The secret is in the brandy.

(laughs)

Come on now, have
some more bacon.

Have a little more eggs.

Come on, now.

Eat up. We can't
let this go to waste.

There we are.

Now, I think I'll check and
see if the baby's awake.

- I'll check. That's all right.

- No, no, no, no.

Now, you eat your
meal while it's hot, okay.

- Okay.

- I mean, what are grandmas
for if they can't help out?

Come on, eat up.

There's plenty more.

- Grandma, hold it.

Would you marry me?

- Oh, thank you, dear.

Thank you, but I'm too
much woman for you.

(laughs)

- Grandma, seriously.

Why don't you move in here
and take care of all of us?

- Oh, I couldn't do that.

- Of course she couldn't.

- Why not?
- Yeah?

- Because she has her own place.

- Well, she can sublet it.

- But she has her own life.

She's got her own circle
of friends, right grandma?

- Emily, Agatha,
Bertha, whoopie.

Their idea of fun is a field
trip to a new medical building.

(laughs)

Are you really serious
about me moving in here?

- Well, I don't know
about these guys,

but I think it's a great idea.

- Yeah, I think we
ought to give it a shot.

- Wait a second,
you've gotta be kidding.

Where's she gonna sleep?

- You know, I
suppose, eventually,

we could convert the
attic, but wait, wait, wait.

You know, the alcove
would be perfect.

We could hang up
some curtains for privacy,

and there's a bathroom
off, and there's a window

facing East for my yoga.

(laughs)

- Grandma...
- Thank you, Barbara.

Thank you, thank you.

It's been so lonely
in my apartment.

Oh, it's gonna be so
wonderful here taking care

of a family again, cooking,
and sewing, and cleaning.

(baby crying)

Changing diapers.

I'll get it.

Coming, Annie.

Ooh, ooh, don't tell Emily.

She considers herself
a liberated woman

since she started
selling Christmas cards.

(laughs)

- Thank you.

Thank you both very much.

I can't even slam
the stupid door!

(laughs)

- Barbara, don't you
want grandma here?

- Now he catches on.

Sometimes, Mark, you
are such a dumb head.

- I thought I was
doing you a favor.

- You know, you really don't
understand women at all.

- I hate it when you say that.

(laughs)

- Honey, I'm sorry, but
this is my first real home,

my first house, and, well,
when I lived with mom,

she was in charge, and
then, when she wasn't there,

Julie was in charge.

God, how I hated that.

You know how she divided
our room for cleaning?

I got the floor, and
she got the ceiling.

(laughs)

And then you and
I got married, right,

and we moved into that dorm
with all your college buddies,

and nobody was in charge,
and then we finally move in here,

and I've become
woman of the house,

and then you drag in grandma.

- Well, let's undrag her.

We'll tell her we
don't want her here.

- Who's we?

- Max.

(laughs)

- Forget it.

(laughs)

- Okay, I got us into this.

I'll tell her.
- Okay.

Just be diplomatic, okay?

- I'll be diplomatic.

- Choose your words carefully.

- I'll choose my
words carefully.

- Don't hurt her feelings.

- I won't hurt her feelings.

- I'll tell her.

(laughs)

(humming)

Grandma?

- Yes, sweetheart.

- I need to talk to you, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

Well, I just wanna say that...

- What, sweetheart?

- It's really nice
having you here.

- Oh, Barbara, thank you.

♪ Whistle while you work

- Now, that was diplomatic.

(laughs)

I'll bet she didn't even realize
you were throwing her out.

(laughs)

(applause)

- Hi, here I am.

- Gang way, gang way.

Watch it, watch it.

- [Mark] All right, all
right, all right, all right.

- All right, Mark, you're
bending my hernia.

(laughs)

- Please be careful.

That grandfather clock has
been in our family for years.

- I think
grandfather's still in it.

(laughs)

- Grandma, I thought you were

leasing your
apartment furnished.

- Honey, I couldn't leave this.

It's a treasure.

Now, where would
you like me to put it?

- Down.

- How about right
down there, down there.

- Hold, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.

No, no, no.

Honey, it'll be very
nice over there,

but don't you think it
would be more effective

it was in this corner over here?

Of course you do.

Come on, fellas, put it
in this corner over here.

- It'd be very
effective in this corner.

- [Mark] Yes, so
much more effective.

Put it down.

- [Dwayne] Watch it, watch it.

- Oh, I really appreciate this.

There you go.

Thank you very much
for helping me, Dwayne.

I appreciate that.

- I think your clothes would
be much more effective

in your room.

- Grandma, where
do you want these?

- You brought your
whole clock collection?

- Well, of course.

Just put 'em down anywhere.

Here we go.

- Come on, let's
get the rest of 'em.

- Okay.
- There we go.

- Be right back.

- You know what my
grandma used to collect?

Flamingos.

(laughs)

It's a good thing
she had a pink rug.

(laughs)

- Well, how about some tea?

- Oh, good idea, but,
Barb, well, sit down honey.

Sit down. You sit down.

I will get it.

- Grandma, I offered.

I can make it.

- Barbara, I did not come
here to be pampered.

I came here to work, okay?

Oh, and Barbara, thank you,

and thank you,
sweetheart for leaving me

such a wonderful mess.

(laughs)

I can't wait to get in.

- Grandma.

(clocks chiming)

- [Max] What is
it? What is that?

- It's grandma's clocks.

- [Max] What is
going on down here?

- She must have
wound up her clocks

before she went to bed.

Somebody do something.

- Like what?

- Turn 'em off!

- How?

- Pull the plug.

- No, they wind up.

- Get a gun.

(laughs)

- Shut up!

(cuckoo clock clucks) (laughs)

I guess you just have to
know how to talk to 'em.

- How does grandma
stand all this?

(snoring)

- Shh, listen.

(snoring) (laughs)

That's how.

(laughs)

(playful music)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(playful music)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(playful music)

(laughs)

(sneezes)

- Oh, hi, honey.

How you feel?

- Okay.

- Yeah?

I got off work as
soon as I could.

- Oh, that's okay.

No need to hurry.

Grandma's been
taking care of me.

- Yeah, well, I bought
you a can of chicken soup.

- Grandma's old fashioned,
homemade chicken soup coming up.

(laughs)

Hi, honey, don't go near him.

- He's my husband.

Well, I better take
your temperature.

- [Katherine] 99.3.

(laughs)

- I'll make you a hot toddy.

- He just had one.

- So did she.

I think she's feeling
better than I am.

(laughs)

- Sorry I missed cocktail hour.

- Grandma made a fire.

(sneezes)
- Bless you.

- Wasn't that nice of her?

- Did she chop the wood herself?

(laughs)

- [Katherine] What
are you talking about?

- Well, I just wish
there was something

for me to do around here.

- You wanted to chop the wood?

(laughs)

- [Barbara] That's
not what I meant.

- I thought you wanted
me around here to help.

- [Barbara] Yeah, grandma,
help, but not take over.

- Okay, what would
you like me to do?

Sit in the corner and knit
myself a rocking chair?

- [Barbara] No,
look, it's just that...

- Barbara, could
I have a tissue?

- Here you are.

There you are. (laughs)

- It's just that
you've taken over.

I mean, you've changed
everything around.

I can't find anything.

We eat too much.

We eat too early, and, if those
stupid clocks don't shut up,

I'm gonna strangle your cuckoo.

- Don't you dare
touch my cuckoo.

I come over here and work
my fingers to the bone...

- But that's just...

- And this is the kind
of appreciation I get?

Well, thank you very much.
- Grandma...

- You know, I don't
have to stay around here.

- [Barbara] You don't...

- I can go move in
with your mother.

I mean, she loves me.

- [Barbara] Grandma, that's...

- Don't you dare let that
woman touch my cuckoo.

(laughs)

- Oh, hi, mom.

- Don't, "Hi mom," me.

- What's wrong?

- You know what's wrong.

What's wrong is living
in my spare bedroom.

Sam and I can't find anything.

We eat too early.

We eat too much, and, if she
brings those damn clocks over,

I'm going to disown you.

(laughs)

- Mom, I didn't kick her out.

She walked out.

Why don't you get
Sam to do something?

- Sam?

Oh, yeah, sure.

He loves her.

She sits in on his poker games.

(laughs)

- I'm sorry.

- I want you to know something.

I love my mother very dearly,

but 17 years living
with her was plenty.

I want you to see something.

Look.

She made me dress
like this this morning.

(laughs)

Barbara, you must do
something about this.

- Mom...
- But I can't talk now.

I have to hurry to the
office so I can call her

and tell her that
I arrived safely.

(laughs)

- [Barbara] Bye.

- Oh yeah, bye.

(laughs)

(phone ringing)

- Good morning,
Gone Again Travel.

Oh, Mrs. Bloustman, yes, I know.

The airline went bankrupt.

(laughs)

Yeah, well, see,
we've been trying to get

your ticket accepted
by Transoccidental,

but they just went bankrupt too.

(laughs)

Well, look, we're
waiting for a confirmation

on another airline, and
then I will get back to you.

I'm really sorry about
the inconvenience.

Okay, bye-bye.

- Hi, sorry I'm late.

- [Barbara] It's okay.

Everything's going
wrong just fine without you.

(laughs)

- I wouldn't be late if
grandma was still at the house.

- I hear you, Max.

- Realize how hard it
is to get a babysitter

on such short notice?

Mrs. Swinson's in her
9th month of pregnancy.

Claudette's gone back to school.

If grandma were
still at the house...

- I heard you, Max.

- Listen, I have to work, okay?

You have to work, Barbara.

We've gotta do something.

I would like to
respectfully suggest

that you quit pouting and
call your grandmother...

- Pouting?

- And, if that doesn't work,
then get down on your knees,

and plead with her.

- Look, Max, I can take care
of the chores just fine, okay?

All you have to do
is find a babysitter.

Now, who did you
get for Annie today?

- Who did I get for Annie today?

(laughs)

- This little piggy had
a roast beef sandwich,

and this little piggy had none.

This little piggy went wee,
wee, wee, and this piggy...

(laughs)

- Did the baby eat all right?

- Yeah, yeah, course I
had to eat half the food

to make her eat the
other half, you know?

I tell you something, strained
peaches, they're not bad.

- I know.

Listen, about tomorrow...

- There is no tomorrow.

I got a building I gotta
take care of, okay?

Speaking of which, you
gotta get Barbara to apologize

to her grandmother.

I mean, Katherine
straightened out my work bench.

I can't find a tool.

(laughs)

- Oh, hi.

- Hi, guys.

- Hi.

We were just talking
about you, Barbara.

You're way out of
line with grandma.

- Look, Schneider, there
are two sides to every story.

- Yeah, well I know your side.

She told me. Doesn't hold water.

(laughs)

- Fine, as long as you're
gonna be objective.

- That's the only
way I can be fair.

Come on, I'll take
these up to Annie.

- Dwayne, wait a minute, Dwayne.

- [Dwayne] What?

- Can I offer to
pay you for this?

- May could try.

(laughs)

- If it's any help, I
see your side of it.

I really do.

- Thanks, honey.

It's nice to know that
someone doesn't think

everything ran
better with her here.

- I didn't say that.

(laughs)

- Okay, it was nice
having her here,

but I wanna be in
charge of my own home.

- So, be in charge.

- What does that mean?

- Doing all the work
doesn't make you in charge.

Setting the rules does.

Now, I know it won't be easy,

but you've got to let
grandma know the rules.

It's not her house. It's yours.

(clocks chiming)

(laughs)

(knocking on door)

- Grandma, you
didn't have to knock.

(laughs)

Oh, I didn't hurt your bird.

(cuckoo clock clucks)

- I just wanted to be sure.

(laughs)
- Come on.

Sit down. Have some
tea with me, please.

- Barbara, I have felt
very bad about all of this.

- [Barbara] Me too.

- And I am very glad
that you want to apologize.

- Yes, and I do apologize.

I'm very sorry.

- All right, all right,
I'll accept that.

I'll come back.

- It's not quite that easy.

- Oh, honey, you don't have
to worry about your mother.

She can get used to not
having me around again.

(laughs)

- I'm sure she can.

I don't know.

This is kind of hard.

Look, grandma, I'm an
adult, and you're an adult.

We're both adults.

Of course, you're more
of an adult than I am,

because I'm only
23, and you're...

- At least that.

(laughs)

- So.

- [Katherine] So.

- So, that's a very nice
sweater you have on.

(laughs)

- [Katherine] Thank you, so?

- So.

Have you ever heard of Genesis?

- Well, sure, it's
from the Bible.

- No, no, see,
Genesis is a rock group,

and they have this video
on TV that never mind.

(laughs)

Wallace Beery.

Do you know who
Wallace Beery is?

- Well, sure.

- Okay, great, great.

Well, you know, in all those
movies, he always plays

the grizzly, old Sergeant
who can do everything,

but he has to take orders
from the young Lieutenant?

Well, this is my house, and
I'm the young Lieutenant.

- And I'm the
grizzly, old Sergeant.

- Oh, no, and you're
not grizzly either.

Grandma, you were in
charge of your house,

and mom is in charge of
hers, and I would just like

to be in charge of mine.

- I see.

In other words, you want me
to call all the mops and brooms

to attention, and then
you ride up on your horse

and issue some dumb orders
that are gonna get us all killed.

(laughs)

- I love you.

- I love you too.

Okay, I will do all
the work around here,

and I promise I'll
keep my mouth shut.

- You are not gonna
keep your mouth shut,

and we both know it,
and you're not gonna do

all the work around here.

We all share the
work around here.

Anyway, we need you
here for more than that,

for your love and your
warmth and your humor.

- And my wisdom.

- [Barbara] And your wisdom.

- Barbara, putting all
this soft soap aside,

do you really want me here?

- Yeah.

Do you really wanna be here?

- Oh, yes.

- [Barbara] Good.

- Oh, yes.

Okay, okay.

- [Barbara] Okay.

- Now, listen, tomorrow
morning we'll have ham and eggs.

(laughs)

Pardon me, sir.

What are my orders for tomorrow?

- Tomorrow morning,
I will make breakfast:

oatmeal, sliced
banana, and coffee, okay,

and, if you wanna
make ham ang eggs,

you can make 'em Sunday.

- The troops will love that.

- Speaking of troops,
I'm gonna go upstairs

and tell 'em the good news.

They've been hiding.

(laughs)

(applause)

(upbeat music)