One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 13 - Fifty - full transcript

On Schneider's fiftieth birthday he is visited by a face from the past.

♪ This is it (this is it)

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it (this is it)

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
(one day at a time)

♪ So up on your feet,
somewhere there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none,
just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
(one day at a time)

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Who made this
tonight, you or me?

Schneider, you didn't knock.

- I know, I know.

I got a birthday card from her.

- [Ann] Her?

- Ellie.

- He'll tell us in a minute.

- Ellie Hayslip,
from high school!

My one and only true love.

I told you about
her a million times.

I gave her my ring,
my letterman sweater,

my varsity track shorts.

- You remember her, Mom.

Naked Ellie.

- She's in here now.

- Make that Naked
Ellie the hamster.

- All my memories
of her are in here.

I can't believe it's
been over 30 years.

- Wait a minute.

Wasn't Ellie the girl who
wrote you that Dear John letter?

- Oh, yeah, but that was
later, that was my fault.

We went steady for
three years together.

I mean, we went to
all the dances together.

When we weren't
dancing, we practically lived

in the back seat
of my old man's car.

We even had our
own song, you know?

♪ Why is it I spend the day

♪ Wake up and end
the day ♪ Thinking of you

- That's nice.

- [Ann] It is.

- Well, come on, tell
us a little bit about her.

- Like when she walked,
okay, she didn't walk.

She kind of glided,
you know, it was a glide.

It's like Nature didn't
want her spine to get jarred.

And I'm telling you, she
was a goddess, you know?

- This the same goddess who
practically set up housekeeping

in the back seat
of your dad's car?

- Bite your tongue, will ya!

It wasn't like
that, not with Ellie!

I never unhooked,
unbuttoned, or unzipped,

never with her, nothing!

- Okay, so she sent you a card.


- Yeah, can you beat that?

She remembered my 50th birthday.

Oh my god.

- What?

- Ellie's 50, too.

She's also 50.

I mean, Ellie is a
50-year-old woman.

- Well, so much for her.

Take it easy, you know.

I'm only nine years
away from 50 myself.

- Well, so much for you.

- Listen.

"There you are, here am I.

"You'll always be my Swifty.

"It's hard to take,
but time doth make

"my nifty Swifty 50.

"Love, E."

She must've searched
all over New Jersey

for a card like this.

- Yeah, I'll guarantee it.

- You don't understand.

See, I was on a track
team back at Irvington High,

and Swifty was like her
secret name for me, you know?

Look, she knitted me that.

See that?

It's a little bit too big,
but I tell you something.

The day that I broke
50.8 for the 440,

I was wearing this sock.

- Uh-huh.

What happened to the other one?

- Well, we graduated
before she could finish it.

Okay, I saw, I saw.

Okay, that's it, that's all.

- What, what did we do?

- You looked at one another!

- [Barbara] Oh,
please, that's not right!

- Come on now, don't go, really.

Don't be so sensitive, huh?

- Want to know
why I keep this stuff?

Want to know why
I'm so sensitive?

Because Ellie is the
girl I should've married.

I loved Ellie like I never
loved anybody else

I my whole life, and what
have I got to show for it?

I got just a box full of junk.

- Oh, Schneider.

What happened, finally,
between the two of you?

- I had two loves, you
know, Ellie and the Navy.

I kept telling her
about the Navy,

she kept talking to
me about, you know,

a little house and
a couple of kids.

She said she'd wait.

- Why didn't she?

- Well, I mean,
can you blame her?

On the one hand you have
me, going from port to port

in the South Pacific and
then back here in the States,

you got that big blond
jerk Carl Haverson,

working down at the lumber
yard for $52.50 a week take-home.

I guess she just
went for the money.

Well, look.

I want to thank you guys for...

I just wanna thank you guys.




- Schneider, you
didn't knock again.

- Forget the door, will
you forget the door?

I have a problem,
I got a problem.

- What's the matter?

- She's coming here.

- [Ann] Who?

- Who, Ellie!

- When?

- Tomorrow, yeah.

- Why?

- Well, her husband,
Carl, the blond jerk,

he's in a bowling
tournament this weekend,

some other town, so
she was all by herself,

she was alone, she called me.

Well, it was so
terrific, you know,

to hear the sound of her voice,

I was telling her, I
heard myself saying,

why don't you come down here
and spend my birthday with me?

She said she was, uh,
gonna work something out.

Oh, she can't work anything out!

I mean, the woman is married!

I don't fool around
with no married woman,

I just don't, it's crazy!

It's insane, it's grounds
for dismissal at the Lodge.

I don't do it, not once.

- Maybe she just wants
to see you out of curiosity.

I mean, she could keep you
in a shoebox too, you know.

And maybe she just, she
wants to renew a memory.

- Or get over a memory.

- Look, let's say
it's like you say it is.

It's simple and
it's innocent, right?

I mean, what happens if she

turned into a horse
or something?


- You know, Schneider,
she could still be

the same girl you
keep in a shoebox.

- How can you say that?

It's been over 30 years.

I mean, she might've turned
into Miss Avalanche of 1983.

I mean, I know
the girl's mother.

I remember the mother, you know?

And that was the
original Elephant Woman.

- Schneider!

I'll bet that she is
still great-looking.

- How could she be?

There's been over
50 years of erosion,

a half a century of erosion.

- A real poet there, Schneider.

You know there's
been a bit of erosion

going on with you, too.

- I know that.

I don't think it's
very nice for you

to keep harping on it.

- I said it once.

- I've been giving
myself a good once-over.

Back then I didn't
have the mustache,

I didn't have the tattoo,
I didn't have the gut.

I looked at the skin on
my elbows the other day.


Looks like the hide of a
hippopotamus, look at that.

Look at that.

That'll probably stay
down for a month.

Get up there.

- Schneider, look.

You look terrific.

- Facts are facts, Miss Romano.

They say you get older.

The pad between your
vertebrae, they shrink.

They dry up and they shrink.

- Schneider,
you're not shrinking.

- I mean, we could walk
down the street, right,

and this little old shrunken-up
guy with baggy elbows

could pass this fat,
50-year-old lady,

we'd never even
recognize each other.

I mean, why couldn't
she have left it?

Why couldn't she
just leave it alone?

I mean, leave...

She still has the memory of
me the way I was back then.




- Hello.

- Oh, hello, I'm, uh.

- Oh, you're Ellie!

- Ellie.

- Yes.

I'm Ann Romano, hi.

- Hi, uh, I got a
note downstairs

to come up to apartment 402.

- Right, come on in.

Schneider's at the
airport looking for you.

No, no, no, but he'll be back.

He'll be here.

Please, do come in, really.

He'll be here,
he'll be here soon.

Uh, why don't you sit down?

Can I take your coat?

- No.

- Okay.

Well, um.

Did Schneider tell you
that he and this family

are real good friends?

- Yeah.

You call him Schneider?

- Yeah, it's a habit.

Look, there's
coffee, it's ready.

Would you like some?

- Thank you.

- Great, great.

- Um.

Did he, uh.

Did he tell you about me?

- Endlessly.

- How does he look?


- Oh, I think you'll
be real pleased.

- Listen, would you
tell him I was here,

and give this to him?

Would you tell him?

I shouldn't have come,
I shouldn't have come.

The farther I got away
from home, the more I knew.

Thank you very much.

- I'll tell him, Ellie,
but are you sure

that's what you're...
- Yes.

- Well, I missed her,
or she didn't show up.

I think I wanted it...


- Hi.

I shouldn't have come.

- Boy.

You look great.

- Thank you.

You look very, I
shouldn't have come.

- Look, why don't I get
coffee for the two of you,

and you can sit, say hello.

Decide whether you
should've come or not.

Here, Ellie
brought this for you.

- What?

- Yeah, a present.

Isn't that nice?

Come on, sit down.

Ellie, please.

Come on, sit down.

Sure, Schneider.

- God, you look really great.

Should I open this?

- Yeah, if you want.

- I want!

So what did you do
here, what is this?


My varsity track sweater!

Miss Romano, this
is the sweater I got

for running track
back at Irvington!

I gave it to you, I gave
it the day we beat, uh...

- Plainfield.

- Plainfield.

- Yeah, you won the 440 in 50.8.


The Eagle really
soared that day.

- We, we were called
the Eagle, yeah.

Irvington was called,
I bet this thing fits.

I bet.

Should we try that on, huh?

- Sure.

Well, you know, it was just
gathering dust in the attic.

Carl would never let me wear it.

Well, listen, it was wonderful
to see you, you know.

I gotta get back.

- Mom, did Mark call?

Oh, hi, you must be Ellie.

I'm Barbara Royer,
Ann's daughter.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Well, see, Schneider, you
have nothing to worry about.

She looks terrific.

- Coffee.

- Ellie.

How do you think
Schneider looks?

- Well, just fine.

- Yeah, but you had to say that.

- No, I mean it, I mean it.

Well, you've got
the same old smile.

- Well, same old teeth.

Well, most of 'em.

Excuse me, Miss Romano.

I love this, this is,
what can I tell ya?

This is great.

I have a present for you.

- Oh, where is it?

- It's in my apartment.

- Oh.

And then I gotta go.

- Yeah, okay.

- Bye, Ellie.

- Goodbye.

- Nice meeting you.

- It was nice to
meet you, Ellie.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- And thank you.

- And, uh, this is my room.

I keep it here 'cause
it's close to where I live.

I remember, you used
to have this terrific laugh.

- Oh, I guess I'm a little,
you know, out of practice.

Oh, listen, this is very nice.

- No it's not.

But it's okay for a guy
living alone, you know.

I mean, you know.

Come on, Ellie, sit down.

Okay, uh.

- Oh, is that it?

- This is it, from me to you.

- Okay.


Oh my god!

It's the class yearbook!

Gee, I gotta see this,
take a look at this.


Oh, where's my
glasses, I can't see.

Who is that?

That's Alice McCorkle.

Will you look how
skinny she was?


- Looked like a toothpick.

- I know!

Jimmy Demerano.

You kept this?


God, so stupid,
knitting one sock.

- Greatest sock I ever had.

You remember this?

- You kept that gardenia?

I gotta go.

- Aw, Ellie, I
know how you feel.

- No, listen, the farther
away I got from home,

the more of a
nightmare that it became.

I couldn't believe this.

- I know, you just couldn't
believe you were doing it.

- I can't believe
that I came here.

I can't believe it.

- Well, you know, we
spoke on the phone,

and you said that you were
gonna go ahead and come.

- Yeah, I... Listen, I'm glad...

I'm glad I got to see you.

- Well, so am I!

I mean, it's like a big chunk
of Irvington High School

dropped right into
this room here, right?


♪ All hail to the
blue and the white

♪ And the white

Listen, let me get
you a beer, yeah.

- Oh, listen, no, I
gotta go, you know?

I've gotta catch a plane.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

When is your plane, hon?

- In about three hours.

- I could throw a couple
of pizzas on for us.

- No, no.

You kept your track shoes?


Oh my god, look.

- Don't you remember?

Remember the day
that I set the record

and I beat Plainfield,
you took 'em out,

and you had 'em bronzed for me.

- Yeah, I know.

- To our track shoes.

- Okay.

Oh, listen.

You know about, oh.


You, uh, you remember
Emilio, uh, Waldsman,

from chemistry?

- Yeah, well, how
could I forget him?

The guy almost blew up the lab.

- You know, we got a
Christmas card from him last year,

he and Helen.

And he said, Merry
Christmas, Happy New Year,

Merry Formulary Day.

- I know, I tell you,
it's starting to happen.

I mean, the guys
down at the Lodge

are dropping off like flies.

I'm on the burial
committee, you know.

Last week we scattered
two guys over Muncie.

- I mean, 50 is...

It's a scary birthday.

- Nah, nah, not for you and me.

Not for us, huh?

You watch, you listen.

(romantic music)


Watch out.


I think that makes you 15.

- God.

Every time this song
comes on the radio,

nobody knows how I feel.

Except you.

Dwayne, you ever get married?

- Once.

About five minutes.

You're the one I
should've married.

- I know.

- You too?

- Dwayne, I hope you didn't
think I came here just for this.

- Oh, Ellie, Ellie.

I know that.

- It's just, you know, I
didn't want my entire life

to go by unfinished.

I kept hoping that you'd
look awful, you know?

But you don't look awful.

- I shouldn't tell you this.

- Tell me.

- I... I still love you, Ellie.

True is true.

- Dwayne.

Would it be terrible if we had
one golden moment together?

- Ellie, Ellie, we, we can't
have a golden moment.

We can't, there, there's
other people involved.

- Yeah, yeah, no, thank you.

You always were the wiser one.

I love you.


- Ellie, about that
golden moment.

- Listen.

You were right.

- Ellie.
- No, listen.

- Ellie, a silver,
a silver moment.

- No really, honestly.

- Copper, we can have copper.

I mean, what are
you doing, Ellie?

Come on, it's, 30 years
have gone by, Ellie.

You love me, I love you.

What are we waiting... - Look!

- What's that?

- My family.

- Wow.

What big guys.

- I know.

They're 24 and 15.

The older one's married.

I mean, I'm gonna
be a grandmother.

- Aw, gee, Ellie, that's
physically impossible.

Guys look like linebackers.

Who's this old geezer
washing the car?

Is that Carl?

He looks like his own father.

- Yeah, I know.

- Why did you come here?

Does he, does he
kick you around?

Does he get drunk
and swear at you?

Plays around with other
women, doesn't he?

Well, he's gotta do
something rotten,

the guy was such a
turkey in high school.

- I'd better go.

- Well, you didn't
finish your beer, Ellie.

- Oh.

Keep it warm for me.

- You're the one I
should've married.

- Yes.

- I got an idea.

- [Ellie] Huh?

- We, uh.

Take another
shot at it on my 75.

- Have a golden
moment at 75, huh?

- Listen, from what I hear,

there's a lot of
golden moments at 75.

- Goodbye.


- Ellie.

- Huh?

(upbeat music)