One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 26 - The Spirit Is Willing - full transcript

The death of Schneider's lover leaves him so crushed that he can't seem to perform anymore.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

(crowd murmuring)

- Oh, Mary, what happened?

- A woman's had a heart attack.

They say it happened right in
the middle of making whoopie.

- Where is that, hey,
her shoes, her shoes!

Louise is such a lovely person,

and I almost killed her.

- Oh, Schneider, come on.

Now the doctor
said she'd be fine.

- Schneider, I want you
to sit down and relax.

- Oh, Ms. Romano,
I can't sit down.

You know, my mother,
my mother, God love her,

she said to me, when
I was just a little kid,

she said, Schneider,
you're gonna be a lady killer.

- You have to stop
blaming yourself, okay?

(doorbell rings)

- The hospital!

- No, it's probably Max.

He's coming by to
pick up the typewriter.

- Shorty, did you hear
what happened to,

er, Schneider!

Hi, how are you?

- I'm okay.

- That's what I hear (laughs).

- It's not funny, Max!

- Max, uh, we're gonna
go get the typewriter.

It's in my room,
Barbara's gonna help me,

aren't you sweetheart,
you're gonna help me carry it.

Max, just talk to
Schneider, will ya?

- Yeah.

So big guy.

- I don't want to talk about it.

- Uh, did you see where the
Pacers beat the Knicks by 20?

- I'm through, you know.

I've had it as a lover.

- Oh, come on, Schneid...

- I'm a lethal weapon.

Probably gonna have to
register myself with the police.

- Come on, you're still young.

You got a lot of mileage yet.

You've gotta be you.

- Uh, I appreciate what
you're trying to do, kid,

but I can't take the chance.

Every woman I know
is on borrowed time.

And I got a date
Saturday night with Amy,

if her truck doesn't get
snow-bound in Omaha.

I can't keep that date,
I gotta break that date.

- No, wrong, wrong.

It's like falling off
a bicycle, Schneid.

You gotta keep
your date with Amy.

- Oh, let's face it, it gets
worse the older I get.

When I was 11, it
was just a little spark.

Today, it's a raging inferno.

- Come on, Schneid,
you gotta at least try.

Is Amy nice?

- Yeah.

- Is she pretty?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Well, what do you
want, a life without love?

- Maybe I could ask
her to have a stress test

before our date.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Oh, Cynthia, hi, how are you?

No kidding, you're
gonna be here?

Oh, well, then I absolutely
insist you stay with us.

You bet.


So tell me, what's new,
you seeing anyone special,

no, don't tell me that.

I want you to save all the
gossip until you get here.

Oh, I just think that's
terrific, okay, good.

See you then.

Bye bye.

Oh, well, guess what?

Cynthia's gonna be in
town a week from Tuesday.

- Oh, how nice.

Boy, I wonder what
Schneider will say.

Those two really had a
thing going there for a while.

- Oh, they really did.
- Yeah.

Boy, they were glowing
when they came back

from that cruise, remember?

- Uh-huh.

- Oh well, off to
the laundry room.

- Thanks, honey.

- Ant check, ant check.

- Ant check on a Sunday morning?

- Termites go to
church, ants stay home.

- Schneider, how was your
date with Amy last night?

- It was fine.

Look, if you're on your
way to the laundry room,

don't let me stop ya, huh?

- Well, okay, fine, I'm going.


- Schneider, really,
we don't have any ants.

- I know that.

This is just an
excuse to come in

without arousing any suspicion.

Ms. Romano, I
got to talk to you.

Is Julie here?

- No.

- Max?

- No.

- Are you expecting him?

- No, Schneider,
what is all of this?

- Well, I can't
talk to Beerbelly,

and I can't talk to the
guys down at the lodge,

and I can't talk to a
woman, so it's gotta be you.


Last night, no,
I'm not, no, I'm not.

- [Ann] Dwayne, Dwayne!

- Oh, you're right, I
gotta talk to somebody.

Alright, last night Amy and I

had the number
five Chinese dinner.

Then we went to the movies,
I took her to see Star Trek.

Then we went to her place.

I opened a bottle of wine,

she switched on
the electric fireplace,

we embraced,

and I could see the madness,

the abandon building
up in her eyes.

And then,

- Uh, I really don't
want to hear this.

- Fine, okay.

- No, I would, I
would like you to...

- Ms. Romano, don't
you understand?

Nothing happened.

I'm impotent.

- You're impotent!

- No!

- Look who I found
by the mailbox.

- Hi there, Max.

- Hey, Shorty.

I brought you a gift.

- What are they?

- They're model airplane kits.

- Oh, gee whiz, that's just
what I've always wanted.

- Come on, they're a
promotional gimmick for the airline.

I thought maybe
you could give 'em

to the kids in the building.

- Thanks.

- The postman left a package
for Schneider in our box.

What would he be getting from
Kim Song's Oriental Pharmacy?

- Don't ask me.

- Uh, why are you smiling?

- I'm not smiling, I'm not.

- Uh, where'd you
get the medical book?

- Uh, it's nothing, what's
with all the questions?

- Is everything okay, Shorty?

- Everything's fine,
Max (laughs quickly).

- It's an old trick,
it's a new book, okay.

Mom's impotent?

- Don't be silly.

- Why are you reading
about impotency?

- Checking out a boyfriend?

- Max, I'm just trying to
help out a friend, okay?

- Who would we
know that's impotent?

- Hi.

- Hi, Schneider.

- Hey, Dwayne, how ya doing?

- Okay, I came up, you
know, to talk to Ms. Romano.

I didn't know you
guys were here,

so I'll come
back a little later.

- No, no, no, no, Max
and I will go to the market.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm eating
over and we need more food.

- And he eats a lot, so.

- Hi there, Schneider,
how are things going, huh?

- (sighs) Good.

- [Ann] Good, good.

- Good.
- Good.

- Not really great.

Not too good.

Terrible is more like it.

Ms. Romano, I'm desperate.

- Oh, Schneider.

Hey, maybe I can help you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no (laughs).

- Naw, wouldn't help
anyway, I don't think.

What are those?

- Oh, these are
model airplane kits.

The airline's handing them
out as a promotional gimmick.

No, Schneider, what
I meant was that,

well, see, I bought
this medical book,

thinking I might
be able to help you.

- (laughs) One book, huh?

Tell you something, Ms.
Romano, I've read the whole library,

everything from Gray's Anatomy
to Pom-Pom Girls Go Porno.

I'm tired of hot showers,
I'm full of vitamins,

I'm sick of oysters.

I'm the only guy I know
who went to a massage parlor

and got a massage.

- Okay, Schneider,
have you seen a doctor?

- Yeah, he said, go
to a massage parlor.

- Hey, it's gonna be alright.

I know it's gonna be alright.

- I guess.

Listen, I really, I really
shouldn't be worrying you

with my problems.

Maybe I'll just, I'll
go over to church,

I'll light some more
candles, you know?

Father Donnelly says he
misses me in confession (laughs).

Oh, I used to light up
his Saturday afternoon.

- Schneider, listen,
there's a psychiatrist

in my office building.

Now, I really heard some
terrific things about her.

- Her!

- Yes.

- What the hell does a woman
know what I'm going through.

I don't mean to snap.

Gee, I don't mean to
snap at ya, I'm really sorry.

You're so sweet,
I mean, you know,

you're trying and you're
talking to me and everything.

I guess that's all there
is for me now, talking.

Can I, can I have one of those?

- Oh, of course, Schneider.

- Could I have two, the
weekend's coming up.

- Help yourself.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

- If I finish before...

- You can have
another one, of course.

- Hi, Ma.

- Hi, darling, how was school?

- Just great.
- Good.

- Mm, what smells so good?

- Veal parmesan.

- Oh, Mother, I love you.

I'm starving.

You're the best mother
in the whole wide world.

What's in the bag?


- The one with onions is yours.

- Hamburgers and veal parmesan?

- The parmesan
is for the guests.

We gotta eat now,
'cause at dinnertime,

the phone's gonna ring.

It's gonna be an
emergency from Julie.

She and Max are
gonna be having a fight,

and we're gonna
have to dash out.

Unless Cynthia hates the idea,

and then we're all
gonna eat parmesan.

- May I ask what
you're talking about?

- No.

No, I don't want to tell you.

I'm not sure I'm
thinking the right thing.

Okay, okay.

Uh, I went to see
a psychiatrist today.

- I should hope so.

- About Schneider.

She's in my office building
and we sort of had lunch,

and I sort of mentioned this
friend who had a problem,

and although she
recommends therapy,

she said that
sometimes it's as simple

as finding a woman with
whom this man could have

a nice, loving, warm
relationship, and...

- And Cynthia is
coming to dinner.

And you're gonna ask her to,

oh, Mom, that's tacky.

- Barbara, you know how
Schneider feels about her.

I mean, when they came
home from that cruise,

I've never seen Schneider
so serious about anybody,

so I invited him to dinner, too.

- Oh, that's tacky.

- You hate the idea?

- I love it, but it's tacky.

- Cynthia can always say no.

- Yeah. (doorbell rings)

- Oh, there she is now.

Uh, you go and
explain it to her,

I'm gonna go freshen up.

I'm going to explain it to
her and you go freshen up.

- Cynthia!
- Cynthia, hi!

How are you?
- Nice to see you.

- Good to see you.

- Here, let me
take this for you.

- Well, Cynthia, it is
really nice to see you.

- You too, you look great.

- Aw, thank you, you too.

- The place looks terrific.

Mm, is that veal parmesan?

Smells great, I love it.

- Yeah, so do I.

- Barbara, would you take
this into the bedroom, please?

- Sure, Mom.

- Thank you, darling.

(sighs) Well, Cynthia, it
is really nice to see you.

- You too.

- Thank you.

I mean, it is really
nice to see you.

- Thank you.

You just said that.

- Oh, I did, didn't I?

- Yeah.

- Well, it is nice to see you!

- Ann.

Is something wrong?

- Well, Cynthia, as
long as you've asked.

It's about Schneider,
you'd better sit down.

- Sit down?

Is he,


- No.

- Ann, what is it?

- Ooh, I'm sorry.

Let's forget I
even brought it up.

We are gonna sit and dish
and have the best time...

- Ann, what is
wrong with Dwayne?

- Okay, if he knew
I told you this,

he would absolutely die.

He's impotent.

- (laughs) Schneider,
oh, no, no, no, no way.

No, no, that's impossible.

Not the Dwayne I know, no, no.



Poor Dwayne.

- Yeah.

See, Cynthia, that's why
I'm so glad to see you.

- What's why you're
so glad to see me?

- Oh, well, I invited
Schneider to dinner tonight.

(sighs) Okay, I
saw this psychiatrist,

- Mm-hmm.

- And she says that it's
almost always psychological,

and therefore, if he
were to get together

with a nice lady who could
give him warmth and tenderness

and whom he cares for,

you see, that's why
I'm so glad to see you.

- Get together?

- Should you choose to
accept this assignment, Cynthia.

- You see, here's
the problem, Cynthia.

I think you know that the
girls he has been seeing,

well, he doesn't have a deep
emotional attachment to them,

and, well, therefore,
his activities have been

more or less

whereas, with you, well,
he had such a wonderful,

I mean, there would
be affection and caring.

- Mom, isn't there
some law against

bringing a person
across the state line

for immoral purposes?

- I did not bring her.

She volunteered.

- Wait a minute now.

I mean, I walk in here,

I haven't seen Dwayne
in eight months,

and all of a sudden,
you are asking me...

(doorbell rings)

- Ah, there he is,
go to the bedroom.

- Right to the bedroom.

I don't even get dinner.

- Well, no, I mean,
just for a minute.

He doesn't even
know you're here.

- My God, I am
blushing (laughs).

I haven't blushed in 20 years.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi.

- Hi, Ms. Romano.

- Hi.
- Hi, Schneider.

You look really nice.
- Hi, Barbara.

Thank you, thank you.

Here's a little present I made
for you in ceramics class.

- Oh!
- Aw.

- A dozen ashtrays.

- Oh, that's really nice.

Isn't that nice, Barbara?

- Oh, yeah, and
look what it says.

Put your butts here.

- Aw, you made
these all by yourself?

- Oh, yeah, sure, I'm
keeping busy, you know.

I've discovered a
whole new world.

I mean, yesterday I spent
the whole day in the park,

you know, just absorbing
nature and talking to Jerome.

- Jerome?

- Yeah, he's a little
duck in the pond.

- Schneider, about dinner.

- Oh, boy.

Do I smell hamburgers?

- Uh, she made veal parmesan.

- Oh, that's, they're nice.

- Barbara, would you
go for the wine, darling?

- Wine.

- Yes, thank you.

We have a surprise
for you, yeah.

A friend of mine called,
and she's in town, and,

well, naturally, I
invited her for dinner.


- Dwayne!

How nice to see you.

- Well, I can see that you
have unexpected company, and,

er, I've got half a dozen
ashtrays in the oven.

- No, now, there's
plenty of food.

- No, please don't go.

- Yeah, why don't you
have some wine, okay?


Schneider, please,
have some wine.

(phone rings)

Oh, excuse me.


Oh, Julie, hi.

Oh, that's terrible,
that's just terrible.

You bet, yeah,
we'll be right there.


- What happened?

- See, Julie and
Max had a fight, and,

oh, will you two start
dinner without us?

Now the salad is in the fridge

and the parmesan is in the oven.

- Barbara, uh, light the candle.

- Ann, Ann, uh,

- Oh, Cynthia, I'm so sorry, but
you know how newlyweds are,

just leave the candle lit.

- Yes, okay, well, you
two have fun, okay?

- Bye.

- Well (laughs).

It really is good to see
you again, Dwayne.

- Thanks.

It's good to see you again, too.

- (laughs) You know, it's the
darnedest thing, you know.

I haven't seen in Ann in months,

and I just happened
to be in town,

and of course I wanted
to stop by and say hello,

and see you, and,

well, here you are
coming to dinner (laughs).

- She told you
about me, didn't she?

- Uh-huh.

It's okay.


- I really don't want
to be here, so, uh,

I'm gonna go.

- Oh, Dwayne,
no, please don't go.

I mean, if anyone knows
the kind of man you are, I do.

- You're talking history.

- Oh, Dwayne, come on, now.

Besides, I'm kind of glad.

- You're what?

- Oh, well, I mean,
I'm sorry for your sake.

But it gives me a
chance to let you know

how much I really
think of you as a person.

A very wonderful person.

You're one hell of a guy.

- You really mean that?

- Uh-huh.

I really do.

Come on, I'm starving.

- You're always starving.

- Come on.

- When we were on that
cruise, you had five meals a day.

- Me?

Hey, you're the one who
gained six pounds (laughs).

Okay, you get the
salad and I'll get the veal.

- Cynthia, I, uh, I want
to ask you a question.

- Sure.

- Is my voice getting higher?

- Okay, okay, what
does this remind you of?

- Uh, disco dancing.

Oh, it's a tying a
yellow ribbon, it's a,

- No, dummy, that's me
putting on the life vest.

- Ooh, right.

Right, right.
- Right?

- The famous deck chair caper.

- You had that couple
convinced the ship was sinking.

- Well, we wound up
getting their chairs, didn't we?

- Yeah, yeah.

As soon as we sat
down, it started to rain.

- Ah, gee, that was, that was
really a lot of fun, you know?

I have one regret.

- What's that?

- We spent so much money,

we never once had breakfast.

- I wonder why.

Besides, as soon as you
dozed off, I went up and ate.

- (laughs) You devil, you.

- Yeah.

- What a rotten thing to do!

You never told me that.

- Don't worry, I ate
enough for both of us.

- You know, Cynthia, you're
really a lot of fun to be with.

- It's easy to
have fun with you.

Hey, thank you again for
that most wonderful trip.

("One Day at a Time")