One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 1 - Teacher's Pet - full transcript

Barbara's hard work at college doesn't seem to be paying off until her professor makes some inappropriate advances.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

(singing in foreign language)

♪ Each time I cling to your kiss

♪ I hear music divine

(singing in foreign language)

- Almost finished, Schneider?

- Yeah, just one more line.

♪ Hold me, my darling



♪ And tell me
that you will be mine

- Ha, it's very good.

- Ah, yeah.

You ain't gonna have
any more problems

with this striker plate.

- Good.

- I tell ya, Ms.
Romano, you know,

a good handyman, he's worth
his weight in gold, you know?

We fix problems,

sometimes these things
need a little time to break in,

you know, they,

they uh, they have a
little problem sometimes

with breaking in, but you,

where'd you get this
door, from the Exorcist?

(groans)

- What's with you?

- Yeah, what, did you get
kicked off the wrestling team?

- No.

- What's the matter, higher
education getting you down?

- Just government.

- Ha, most Americans
feel that way.

- I mean, my government class.

- Wait a minute, I thought
that was your favorite.

- It was, until I did this
paper on the legal system.

- Hey, now, wait a
minute, I read that paper,

and I thought it was terrific.

- So did I.

Well, I happened
to see an extra copy

in the trash, you know?

It brought tears to my eyes.

'Course, it was laying
there right next to the onions.

- Too bad you weren't
giving out the grades.

- D.

- Could be that it
stands for delightful.

- Oh, no, there's got to be
a mistake here someplace,

this is a very
well-thought-out paper.

- I know, I was so proud of it.

- Well, I think you ought to

talk to your professor about it.

- Sure, what kind
of a guy is he?

- Well, he's real nice,
everybody likes him.

- Oh, there you go,
bring him an apple.

And a bottle of bourbon.

- When you do talk to him,
find out why he didn't like it.

- Yeah, I'm going to.

- You know, I know
how you feel, Barbara.

I got a D once,
from my gym coach.

See, there was an
epidemic of athlete's foot

that broke out,
and a lot of guys,

they were getting
excused from gym class.

- You got a D for
catching athlete's foot?

- I got a D for giving it.

See, if you wanted to
get out of the gym class,

you'd come to me and
borrow my sneakers.

- Oh, Schneider.

- Am I late?

I'm late.

Well, you'll just
have to forgive me.

You know how we
professors are, absent-minded.

I drove halfway
here before I realized

I'd forgotten my car keys.

You can laugh,
that's my icebreaker.

- Oh (laughs quickly).

- Sorry about being late.

- Um, it's okay, I forgive you,

mainly because I need a favor.

- Terrific.

What can I do for you?

- Well, it's about my
paper on the legal system.

- You didn't like the
grade I gave you.

- How did you know?

- You'd be surprised
how few students

come in here to
thank me for a D.

- Professor, I don't
think I deserved a D.

Look, I have a B+
average in your class.

I know that reading list
backwards and forwards.

I knocked myself
out on this paper.

- Maybe I goofed.

- I practically
lived in a library,

maybe you what?

- Goofed.

Look, I know I appear
to be perfect, but,

- You're only human?

- Well, that's off the
record, of course.

- [Barbara] Of course (laughs).

- I was grading those
papers late at night.

Maybe I lost my concentration.

Why don't I look at it again?

- Now?

- Anything to get that
grief-stricken look off your face.

Now that's more like it.

- Dennis, I can't
meet you tonight,

oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
know you were busy.

- Hi, Sylvia.

- Hi, Barbara.

- Is it something
important, Sylvia?

I am busy.

- Well, no, Den,

Professor Barr, I
guess it can wait.

- Fine.

- It's just that...

- Why don't you call
the department secretary

and make an appointment, huh?

- Appointment?

Yeah, I'll do that.

- Oh, bye, Sylvia.

- One thing I like about Sylvia,
she always shuts the door.

You've got a nice smile.

- Oh, well, thank you.

- Now, about this paper.

I'll just skim it, okay?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-oh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-oh.

- I can't stand it,
which one is it?

Uh-huh or uh-oh?

- Relax, so far, so good.

- Really?

- I can see you've done a
lot of research on this paper.

- Oh, I did, I stayed home
two weekends in a row.

- Two whole weekends, huh?

How'd you keep the boys away?

- Oh, well, I took the
phone off the hook.

- That wouldn't have stopped me.

What I mean is, if I was
dating a pretty girl like you,

I'd really pursue her.

- Oh (laughs quickly).

About the paper?

- Well, Barbara, this could
be a B or maybe even a B+.

- You think so?

- Sure, all it needs
is a little extra effort.

- Oh, Professor, I'm
willing to do anything.

- I thought you'd feel that way.

And, um, I'll help you
to achieve your goal.

- Oh, well, thank you,
thank you so much.

- It'll be my pleasure.

And I hope it'll be
your pleasure, too.

- Um, what are you doing?

- What do you think I'm doing?

- Well, um, I, you're
squeezing my shoulders.

- You don't mind, do you?

- Professor Barr,
is this a pass?

- Well,

better to pass than to fail.

- You mean that you want me to,

and that if I don't,
that you won't,

- Did I say that?

- Well, you implied it.

- Or maybe you inferred it.

How you interpret
that is up to you.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

- Hiya, good-lookin'!

- Mom, oh, Mom.

- What's the matter?

- I'm gonna kill him.

- What did I do?

- Not you, Schneider.

- Then why did you
abuse my broom?

I couldn't give
this to a little witch.

- Sweetheart, what's going on?

- I went to see Professor Barr.

- Uh-oh, he wouldn't
change your grade.

- Oh, sure.

- Great.

- He'll change my grade.

- Great!

- If I sleep with him.

- That's great (stumbles).

- He said that?

- He didn't leave
any doubt about it.

- Bastard.

- She's only a little girl.

- Oh, I'm not a
little girl anymore!

- Oh, God, we're too late.

- Sweetheart, are you okay?

- (groans) I will be after
three or four showers.

He touched my hair, he
squeezed my shoulders.

- Squeeze, well, that rat creep!

I want to tell ya, it
makes my blood boil

just to think of his slimy,
scaly hands touching you,

squeezing you, caressing
you, patting you...

- Schneider.

- I'm sorry, I lost my hand.

- This whole thing
is absolutely insane.

Professor Barr has
this terrific reputation.

The student body's
supposed to love him!

- Not this student body.

Oh, I just want to
forget the whole thing.

- Well, I don't
think you should.

- What am I supposed to do?

- File a complaint.

- I can't do that.

- Well, honey, you can't
let him get away with it.

How do you know that
you're the only one?

I really think you
should report him.

- You listen to your mom, kid.

This is no laughing matter.

I remember once I was harassed.

She was 22, I was 16.

- Well, did you
file a complaint?

- I didn't realize I
was being harassed.

I thought I was getting lucky.

The thing is, you never
know about people.

I mean, I remember little
Herbert Bixby down at the lodge,

a nice, quiet, sweet little guy.

He was the lodge
treasurer for five years.

And one day, he
shows up missing.

Guess what was missing with him?

- The money?

- Charlie Hoffman's wife.

- You have got
to call him on it.

- Oh, Charlie called him,
he thanked him, actually.

- I am talking about
Professor Barr.

- Mom, what's the use?

He'll just deny the whole thing.

- Okay, so it'll be
your word against his.

- I rest my case.

- You're scared, aren't you?

- (groans) Petrified.

It's so unfair!

I mean, I didn't do
one thing, not one thing,

to encourage him.

- See, the thing is that
sometimes just being a woman

turns a guy on.

- That is no excuse
for getting out of line.

- Hey, don't yell at
me, I agree with you.

But the fact is, the
female of the species

do attract the
male of the species.

I mean, that's the general plan,

and thus forever was it spake.

You can tell a
difference right from birth.

I mean, you take
a little boy baby.

A little boy baby, when he
cries, he goes (imitates crying).

But a little girl baby,
when she cries,

she goes (imitates cooing).

- Schneider, are you trying
to defend Professor Barr?

- Of course not, that creep,

he's got no right to
threaten a woman,

that's not the way
you play the game.

- The game?

- You know what
I'm talking about.

The challenge is, challenge is

to get a woman's eyes and lips

saying yes, yes
at the same time.

- Schneider, we are
not playing a game.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Well, then, how come
women invented high heels?

I'll tell you why, to make
their calves look better.

Why their calves?

I'll answer why their calves,

to make their
thighs look better.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Why do you think they...

- Schneider!
- Schneider, come on!

- Alright, look, kid,

I know where your
frustration is coming from,

but, I mean, that's just the
way things are, you know?

The fiddle plays a tune,
the woman gives out vibes,

the men bang the drums,
and the piper pays the price.

- I'm filing a complaint.

- Good for you.

- I don't care what happens,
I'm gonna nail that jerk.

- What made her change her mind?

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Yeah, this is Barbara Cooper.

What?

Is that the way
you get your kicks?

- Hi.

- Bug off, creep.

- Is that your way of telling me

you're cutting
the apron strings?

- Oh, no, I'm sorry.

It's just another
weirdo on the phone.

I'm beginning to wish that
I never filed this complaint

against Professor Barr.

- Well, nobody said
it was gonna be easy.

- Made the school paper.

- Oh, yeah, what does it say?

- Oh (laughs quickly).

- Oh, headlines.

Co-ed fingers top
prof on sex charge,

grievance committee
to hear case.

- I'm notorious, and I
didn't even do anything.

People stare at me in the halls.

I went in to check a problem
with my economics teacher.

He told me to
leave the door open.

(phone rings)

I get obscene phone calls.

- Hello?

Oh, my God.

No, I don't like ducks.

Whew.

- This is so unfair.

Some jerk harasses me, I
report it, and what do I get?

More harassment.

- Okay, ladies,
okay, I have here

the solution to your
obscene phone call problems.

- What is that?

- This here is an air horn.

One blast of this into the phone

and you scramble
his eggs for a month.

(air horn squawks)

But you gotta be careful,
these things are very dangerous,

particularly during the
moose-mating season (laughs).

(air horn squawks)

- What really hurts is

I thought more people
would be on my side.

A lot of them don't
even believe me.

A college professor
would never do that.

But the one I really hate is,

after all, Barbara,
boys will be boys.

So frustrating.

- It's wrong, it's
stupid, it's totally unfair.

- I really hope that
you nail this guy.

- Well, it's not gonna be easy.

It'll be his word against mine.

No evidence, no witnesses.

- Fingerprints?

- Sylvia!

- Ann.

- No, no, Sylvia, from
government class.

She walked in when the
professor and I were there.

- A witness!

- Maybe even more than that.

She called him Dennis.

- Whoa.

- Hardly an open-and-shut case.

- No, Mom, but she
was acting weird,

kind of embarrassed, scared.

- Oh, wait a minute,

you think that he's
hitting on her, too?

- I don't know, I don't know.

But if there's a chance,

- You've got to talk to her.

- Yeah.

(phone rings)

I don't want to get that.

- I got it, I got it.

Hello?

Hey, hey, hey, hold, whoa.

That is really obscene.

- Give me that phone.

(air horn squawks)

- It's my mother.

- Your mother makes
obscene phone calls?

- She was telling me how much
she had to pay for lamb chops.

Mom?

Mom?

Can you hear me?

- Barbara, you have no proof

that anything happened
between me and Professor Barr.

- I know, I don't
have any proof,

just like I don't have any proof

that Professor Barr
harassed me, but he did.

- Who's going to believe you?

He's the most popular
teacher on campus.

- Sylvia, if the two
of us come forward,

we've really got a case.

- (sighs) Barbara, I'm
sorry, I just can't help you.

- Because nothing happened,
or because you're scared?

- Let me ask you something, huh?

Did you sleep with him?

- Are you kidding?

I'm not that stupid.

- Well, I, I am.

- Oh, maybe frightened
is a better word.

- No, look, I'm a senior,
and I'm not doing very well.

I've got to have those
grades to graduate.

If I hadn't gone along with
Barr, everything I've worked for

could have gone
right down the drain.

Barbara, it still could.

I'm scared.

- So am I!

- But you have nothing to lose!

- Come on, Sylvia,
don't you want to see him

put in his place?

- Sure, as long as it
doesn't screw up my life.

Look, if I thought
we had a chance...

- We do, if we
back each other up.

- Oh, Barbara, I don't know.

I just want to graduate
and get on with my life.

- And to hell with the
next girl that comes along.

- Well, nobody helped me.

- Sylvia, the man's a lech.

- I know.

- Then wouldn't it
be great to stop him?

- It would be wonderful.

- Then you gonna help me?

Please?

- Yeah.

- Oh, thank you.

- [Ann] Hi, honey.

- [Barbara] Hi.

- Well, did you talk to Sylvia?

- Yes, I did.

She's scared, but she agreed

to come and testify
with me tomorrow.

- Oh, that is terrific.

- In fact, she's coming over
here tonight to talk it over.

- Good for her.

He was giving her
bad grades, too, huh?

- No, Mom, he was giving her As.

- Oh.

- Okay, you guys.

Are you ready for this?

Guess who's here?

- Who?

- Professor pre-vert.

- Professor Barr is here?

- That bum was trying to find
out your apartment number.

- Well, what's he doing here?

- Trying to get out of
the elevator (laughs).

I got him stuck between
the third and the fourth floor.

- (sighs) I wonder
what he wants?

- Maybe he wants to capitulate.

- Not in my elevator.

- Well, I think we'd better
hear what he has to say.

- I'll go get him.

- [Ann] Good.

- Oh, I don't know
if I want to see him.

- I know that I would like to.

- No, Mom, I don't want
you starting anything.

- Honey, maybe he's
heard about Sylvia.

- You think so?

- I don't know, something's
gotten him over here.

Maybe he's a little worried.

- Okay, Barr, right in here,
and no fast moves, eh?

'Cause I am watching
you from the get-go.

- Hello, Barbara.

- Professor.

This is my mother, Ms. Romano.

- Professor.

- Hello.

I, um, I came over because
I wanted to talk to you.

- You got three minutes.

1,000-one, 1,000-two.

- Schneider.

- Too slow?

- Would you just leave us alone?

- Okay.

But if I hear one scream,
I'm coming back in

and I'm throwing
you out that door.

And it may not be open.

- You may gather that you're not

particularly popular
around here.

- Look, Ms. Romano, I
know how you must feel,

but, uh, I think there's
been a big misunderstanding.

- I don't think so.

- Look, I kid around a lot,
but I don't mean anything by it.

I think it would be
a terrible mistake

to take this to the
grievance committee.

- (laughs) Why is that?

- Well, it would embarrass
both of us, and it's unnecessary.

Look, why don't we just
forget the whole thing

and I'll give you a
B+ on that paper.

- How 'bout an A?

- Well, sure, why not?

- (laughs quickly) Forget it.

- Ms. Romano,
would you talk to her?

- I think she's doing just fine.

- Look, you started this,
and I'm gonna finish it.

- [Schneider] Atta girl!

- Alright, young lady,
you want to get tough?

Let's get tough.

You don't stand a chance

in front of that
grievance committee.

- Oh, that's your opinion.

You refused to give me a good
grade unless I slept with you.

That's harassment.

- I never said any such thing.

- And that's a lie.

You said I could
get a better grade

with just a little extra effort.

- Of course I did.

Anyone can.

- You made a pass at me.

You touched my hair,
you touched my shoulders.

- Sorry, but I don't
remember that.

Look, Barbara, I came over here

to save you a lot of trouble,

because when I go in front
of that grievance committee,

I'm going to have
to tell the truth.

You came to see me because
you wanted a better grade,

and, uh, if I recall, you said
you'd do anything to get it.

- I didn't mean it that way.

- Look, I know how it hurts,

and I'm sorry it
has to come out,

but the fact is that
you came on to me.

- Okay, okay, hold it.

You are not talking
to any committee, now,

you are talking to
Barbara's mother.

- Alright, Ms.
Romano, I'll handle this.

- Butt out, Schneider.

- Right.

- You are really a
beaut, parading around

like some concerned academic.

- Oh, I am concerned.

- About yourself!

- Yeah, and furthermore...

- Not now, Schneider!

- Right.

- You must feel really
big and important,

using your position
to get your jollies.

- Your command of the language
amazes me, Ms. Romano.

Nevertheless, Barbara
can't prove anything.

(knocking on door)

- I'll get it.

- Right.

- Oh, Sylvia!

- Oh, ho, ho, the witness!

- Am I glad to see you come in.

- Professor Barr.

- Sylvia.

- This may be
embarrassing for you,

but Sylvia is going
to testify with me.

- Really?

About what, Sylvia?

- Uh, Barbara, I've been
thinking (laughs quickly).

You might have
misunderstood me today.

Uh, Professor Barr and I have

a friendly relationship,
but why not?

He's worked really hard
to help me graduate.

- She's terrified.

- Sylvia, you said...
- Barbara, I'm sorry.

I don't know what I could
testify to that would help you.

I'm sorry.

- Obviously it would
be better for all of us

if you dropped the whole thing.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but no witness, no crime.

- Interesting theory.

I could suspend you for that.

- For what?

I'm, wait a second,
I didn't see anything.

Did you see anything?

- Not a thing.

- Are you kidding,
she just knocked,

I didn't see nothing.

- This is not fair!

The guy's getting
off scott free.

- No, he isn't, he's
not gonna get off.

I'm still going to
that committee.

I may not win, but I'll
make it a hell of a lot harder

for him to get
away with it again.

- Looks like we got
ourselves a real fighter,

here, Ms. Romano, and
a pretty good right hand!

(lively music)

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