One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 22 - No Laughing Matter - full transcript

Ann brings home a local comedian after Schneider had just had a bad experience.

("One Day At A Time")

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time



♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

(keys clattering in door)

- I just hope you
can fix it, Schneider.

- Yeah, well, it sounds
like a tough one.

Where is it?

- Right here on the sofa.

- Well, what seems to
be the problem with it?

- I can't turn it off.



It never stops working,
even on a Saturday night.

- Barbara.

- Well maybe the
slatch rod is dragging.

That happens a lot
with the older models.

(audience laughs)

(Ann laughs)

- Okay, you two.

Look, would you...
- See, see!

It's sputtering a little, too.

- Uh huh.

Has it been running hot?

- No, I think
that's the problem.

- Ah ha!

(audience laughs)

Well, let's take a closer look.

Hold it up to the light there.

Oh, yeah, well that's a very
simple case of lack of datus,

due to too much sittum on
duffus during weekend nightus.

(audience laughs)

- Dare I ask what
you two are up to?

- We got you a date.

- What?

- Well, we've been
worried about you.

You haven't been having any fun.

- A date with whom?

(Schneider laughs)

- You lucked out, kid.

(audience laughs)

Who is the handsomest, most
charming man in the building?

- Mr. Cashman.

- Not even close.

(audience laughs)

- Dr. Stegman?

(Schneider laughs)

- You're still in the minors.

Reach for the stars.

(audience laughs)

- A date with you?

- Some days our
dreams come true.

(audience laughs)

- You two screwballs!

(Ann laughs)

(audience laughs)

You're serious?

Oh, well I thought
you were jo...

Well, I mean, I
just didn't rea...

Well, who would've figured
that you would be free

on a Saturday night.

Barbara, what the
hell is going on?

(audience laughs)

- Don't be ashamed.

So you need my services.

Barbara told me you
were rotting on the vine.

- Schneider.

Look, ma, I'm going out tonight,

and Schneider's got
reservations for two

at the Laughing Academy,
and I just thought it might be nice

for you to get out
and have some fun.

- Rotting on the vine?

(Barbara laughs)

- Figure of speech, mom.

Now come on, how long has
it been since you had a date?

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Don't get carried away, now.

I realize that you could
categorize this as a date,

but I prefer to look
upon it as an outing.

- What's the difference?

- I don't fool around
on first outings.

(audience laughs)

- Ah.

(finger snaps)

Darn.

- Well, alright
then, it's all set.

We'll go down to Laughing
Academy, you'll see a new comic,

you get some new laughs,
we'll get her out of the house.

- Well...

- That means yes, now come
on, mom, you gotta get dressed,

show starts in a half an hour.

- No, I didn't say...
- Come on, now!

Time is wasting.

- But...
- No buts, it's all decided.

- Come on, we get you in
here, we gotta get you changed!

(audience laughs)

I guess they don't
need me to help.

(audience laughs)

(crowd chattering)

- Hi, I have a table for two.

- Sorry, dear, I
already have a date.

(audience laughs)

- This way, please.

- I would like a carafe
of your best house wine.

(audience laughs)

Oh, excuse me, I'm very sorry.

- It's alright.

Just let it happen again.

(audience laughs)

- Well, Schneider, this
is really very nice of you.

- Yeah, yeah, all the
big comics come in here.

Jackie Joey, Sonny Joey,
Sonny Jackie, Jackie Sonny,

Red Fields, all the guys.

- Well, Schneider, I gotta
tell you, everybody told me

I needed a laugh, I guess we
came to the right place, huh?

(audience laughs)

Schneider?

- Huh, what?

- That woman is
flirting with you.

- Miss Romano,
happens all the time.

(audience laughs)

I know how you feel,
you know what I mean?

What can I tell ya, I'm sorry.

- Must be awful for you.

- Well, you learn to
live with it, you know?

(audience laughs)

- Excuse me, can
I borrow your fire?

(audience laughs)

- Keep it on low.

(woman laughs)

- That's cute.

(audience laughs)

My name's Roberta.

Roberta Redford.

- Oh, any relation?

- To who?

(audience laughs)

(Schneider groans)

- Thanks, thanks.

- Anytime, Roberta, anytime.

Except now.

- You wanna go
and have a little chat?

That's okay, it's fine with me.

- Miss Romano, please,
what could this woman

possibly say to me that I
could possibly be interested in?

- Your place or mine?

- That's the one thing.

(audience laughs)

- It's a really good table.

- Oh yeah, well I'm a very
good friend of the owners.

I mean, three months
ago I did a great big

plumbing job for them.

Now I wanna hear, you know,

I wanna hear about
this problem of yours.

Thank you, my dear.

I mean, what is it that your
social life is non occupado?

- Oh, I'm just going
through a phase, I think.

Have you ever heard
of the seven-year itch?

- Yeah, I got it after I
was married seven days.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I think I have just
the opposite, you know?

All I wanna do is hide,
to crawl into my shell.

- Oh, seafood will be fine.

Yeah, I like seafood, sure.

(audience laughs)

- [Announcer] And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

hold onto your funny bone,
because the Laughing Academy

is proud to present the
comedy stylings of Artie Morgan.

(audience applauds)
- Hey hey, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you very
much, ladies and gentlemen.

It is terrific to be
back in Indianapolis.

The only city in the world
where you find Velveeta cheese

in the gourmet section
of the supermarkets.

(audience laughs)

Oh ma.

You see, I spend most
of my life on the road,

so it's impossible for me
to get the cities straight.

People, forget about it.

I'm gonna cop out to you.

I'm so lonely.

I'm a lonely man.

Last year I played Dallas.

I got so lonely, I
talked to a Texan.

(Ann laughs)

Oh, that's terrific, thank
you very much, hey.

Bartender, wanna give
this lady a drink, please?

Put it on his tab.

I wanna ask you something.

You believe those
stewardesses, huh?

They ask you what you
want, then they strap you in

so you can't get it?

I don't know.

Makes you desperate,
it makes you cra...

One night I got so desperate,
I asked myself out for a date.

I mean it.

It was easy, I just sauntered
over to myself, and I went,

"hey, good lookin',
how you doin'?

"You free tonight?"

I took a look and I went,
"get out of here, you creepo."

But I persisted, and
I finally accepted.

And you know something?

I was a terrific date.

I was a lot of fun.

Can I talk to you for a moment?

Whisper amongst yourselves,
this is very confidential.

Yeah, just you.

At one time... No, no,
no, just the redhead.

Just the redhead.

Wanna move your
neck a little that way?

Thank you.

At one time, I considered
making the whole thing a

(speaking in foreign language)

You know, me, myself, and I.

(Artie laughs)

Hey, then I had to
break up with me.

Really, I had loose morals.

I'm ashamed to tell you this.

I slept with myself
the first night.

(audience laughs)

Hey, you know, you're
a terrific audience?

(audience applauds)

Not you, her!

This one's just for you.

Last night, I am standing in
a bar by myself, so help me.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, what are you doing?

- What am I doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

I'm polishing the numbers.

- At one o'clock in the morning?

- The numbers
can't tell the time.

- Schneider, how was
your date with my mom?

- Well, it's difficult to say.

It's very hard to describe.

It defies description.

- Schneider, what happened?

- I lost her.

- You lost my mother?

- Well, yeah, you see
everything was going fine.

We went down to the club
and we were having a good time

having a drink, and
then this blonde,

she started to hit on me.

- You lost my mother.

- Well, only after
the buns got cold.

(audience laughs)

- The blonde's buns got cold?

- Not the blonde's.

- My mother's?

- No.

The bun warmer in the
kitchen, it went on the fritz.

So naturally they asked
me to go in and fix it,

and I had a little trouble.

- Schneider, just explain.
- Well I mean, the thing is,

I was in there longer than
I expected to be in there,

and when I came
back she was gone.

- The blonde?

- Your mother.

(audience laughs)

She never should've
slipped me that note.

- My mother?

- The blonde!

She made a date with me,
see, and I think your mother

figured that out and she
got ticked off and she left.

But I swear to you, I was
not hitting on the blonde,

I was just trying to get
everybody's buns warmed.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, just forget
the buns, forget the blonde.

Where is my mother?

- Well, I think she took a
cab home, and I've been trying

to get up the nerve to go in
there and explain everything

to her, but I...
- Okay, okay.

Just come on in with me.

- I hope she's
not too depressed.

- Doesn't seem depressed.

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Wait a minute, don't tell
me, you're the vice squad?

It's alright, I'm over 18,
nothing to worry about.

(Ann laughs)

- We happen to
be this lady's family.

- Ann, I forgot to joke
about family in the first show.

Family, a guy's
trying to raise a family,

and he...
- Artie.

This is Mr. Schneider,
our superintendent.

- Oh, superintendent.

Wait a minute, I'll
make you feel at home.

Send up more steam, super!

(Ann laughs)

Little more hot water!

- And this is my daughter.

Barbara, I'd like you
to meet Artie Morgan.

He's a comedian.

- Oh, really?

- Oh really, toy
toy toy toy toy.

(Ann laughs)

- We met at the
Laughing Academy.

- It's my fault, I
took her down there.

- Yeah, I saw you.

You were making a big play
for Robert the drag queen.

(audience laughs)

- Roberta is a guy?

You gotta be kidding.

- You're a comedian, huh?

- Only when they laugh.

When they don't laugh,
I'm a very nervous man

walking across the stage
looking for a men's room.

Oh, pardon me. (Ann laughs)

I'm so sorry.
- Oh, Artie.

- You were just
kidding about Roberta.

- Hey, Barbara, you got
some classy mother here.

I knew it the minute
she used both pinkies

to whistle for a taxi.

(Ann and Artie laugh)

Listen, I love her.

She laughs at anything.

- Yeah, right.

- I have a date tomorrow
night with Roberta,

so you can tell me
that you were kidding.

- Oh I didn't tell
ya, I was kidding.

- Well look, it was
really nice to meet you.

I'm just sorry that we
interrupted the festivities.

- Hey, that's okay,
don't mind us.

Now, where were we, Annie?

- Oh, Artie!

- Oh, Artie!

What happened here?

Oh, I understand,
not in front of the,

send up steam,
a little heat here!

- Something like that, yeah.

- Okay.

- Swear you were kidding.

(audience laughs)

- I swear on Joey Bishop's life.

(audience laughs)

I gotta go.

- Yeah.

- I've lost the audience,
and this is not my room.

- Okay.

- Barbara, nice meeting you.

Anytime you want to
come down to the club,

I buy you a drink.

- I'm not old enough.

- You are for those drinks.

Nice meeting you too, Schneider.

Give my best to Roberta,
he's a hell of a dancer.

(Schneider growls)

(audience laughs)

Oh yeah, thanks.

Hey, I'll call you.

I don't know what I'll
call you, but I'll call you.

Okay.

That was almost
as good as a laugh.

(Ann laughs)

- Miss Romano,
I have to go, too.

Listen.

Earlier this evening
over at the club,

at one point Roberta got
up and went to the bathroom.

Did you happen to
notice which door she...

I don't wanna know.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, what do
you see in that guy?

- Oh now, come on Barbara.

When you brought home
that character with the tee shirt

that read available for orgies,
did I make any comment

about him?

- You bet you did.

- Well, did it do any good?

- No.

Then save my breath.

- Goodnight, darling.

- Goodnight.

- You know, Artie.

- Yeah.

- It's a little difficult getting
used to a guy dropping by

for Saturday morning
breakfast at two in the afternoon.

- Well good, I'll come at 4:15.

Come on, Annie,
you heard my act.

I'm on the road my entire life.

I never get a
home-cooked meal like this.

Hey now, I really
appreciate it, really.

- The pleasure was all yours.

- Ah, very clever.

- I got it from you.

- Very clever.

(Ann laughs)

Hey Ann, I wanna ask
you a question, alright?

- What's a nice girl like me
going out with a guy like you?

- Yeah, that's it.

That's exactly what
I was gonna ask you.

- Oh.

- No, I mean it, Annie.

Why are you going out with me?

- Why not?

You're very attractive.

You're certainly different.

And you're very funny.

- Ah ha, that's it.

Have fun with Artie, right?

Whenever things get
dull, just wind me up

and let me entertain you.

- I didn't mean it like that.

You know how in your act you
do that thing about loneliness?

- Yeah.

- Alright well, it
was very funny.

- Thank you very much.

- But it was also very real.

It got to me, I understood it.

And it made me laugh.

And it made me like you.

You're a nice person.

- So are you.

And sweet.

And adorable.

You remind me of Howdy Doody.

(Ann laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Artie, have you
ever been married?

- Nope.

Wanna know something else?

Never been divorced.

- You're very lucky.

It's not a whole
hell of a lot of fun.

- Yeah.

You think you'll
ever remarry, Ann?

- I don't know, maybe I will.

Someday.

Through?

- Yeah, thanks.

- But it'd have to be
somebody very special.

Somebody sensitive
and supportive.

Giving.

- Hey, what a minute, where
do they make guys like this?

(Ann laughs)

- I don't know, I've
never seen one up close.

Maybe I'm just too picky.

- Nah, just discriminating, huh?

- Being discriminating
sometimes means being alone.

I do not believe I am
telling you all of this.

- What are you
talking about, Ann?

You can tell me anything.

I'm trying to figure
out what's so bad here.

Let me see now, you've
got a terrific family,

got a great job.

- Artie, what about you?

- Me?

- Yeah.

- I got the audience.

I get the applause, Annie.

When a joke goes
over I get such a rush,

it is a dynamite feeling.

- Is it enough?

- Is it enough.

What's the matter with you?

Show business is my life.

(Ann laughs)

- I don't know.

I think you're a very funny
man with a serious side.

- Annie, what am I
gonna do with you?

You're entirely upsetting
my seduction routine here.

- Oh, sorry.

- Really, I mean, usually I
like to get a woman into bed

right away, 'cause that's
when I get my big laugh.

- Oh, now come on.

You're putting yourself down.

- I'm not putting myself down.

I mean it, you would laugh.

Look at me.

At that moment,
when our eyes meet,

and passion burns
brightly in our breasts.

I slowly remove
my pants, and voila!

(audience laughs and applauds)

(Ann laughs)

- You are impossible!

- But you laughed.

- Of course I laughed!

Look at you!
- Well, but you laughed.

(Schneider yelling
in foreign language)

(audience laughs)

- Oh my God, he's
got his pants off.

- Hey, come on back here,
it's not what it looks like.

Artie, would you
tell them please?

- Yeah, wait a
minute, she's right.

(audience laughs)

Wasn't taking off my
pants, I was putting them on.

- You're no help at all.

He was just showing
me his shorts.

(audience laughs)

- He was just
showing her his shorts.

- Well, okay, I think
it's time for my big exit.

I'll see you at the club
tomorrow night, alright?

- Okay.

- Bring the family.

(Artie chuckles)

Or don't.

(audience laughs)

- Well, Schneider,
thank you for helping me

with the groceries.

- Anytime, kid.

Look, Miss Romano,
don't ever forget,

and please always remember,
when a man has his pants off,

he can call his own shorts.

(audience laughs)

Think about it.

- He really was just
showing me his shorts.

Come on, say something.

- He's got nice legs.

- I'm serious.

- How can you be serious
about someone who's not?

Oh, okay, I'm
sorry, it's just...

Well it really doesn't
matter what I say, anyway.

You're the one who's
involved with him.

- That's true.

- I think he's a
disgusting creep.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, well, don't hold
back your feelings.

- You asked.

- You're right.

Okay, well, it doesn't
matter what you think of him.

I like him.

- Oh, come on, mom.

He's been over
here this whole week

telling those awful jokes.

I mean, he's on all the time.

- Not with me.

He can be very sweet.

I can tell him things.

- What, Polish jokes?

(audience laughs)

- A lot of things.

We talked about divorce.

About loneliness.

- Oh come on, mom, what do
you really know about this guy?

Where does he come from?

Who are his people?

- "Who are his people?"

I don't believe it, my
ow daughter giving me

the third degree about my date.

- Well, I don't know, he just
doesn't seem very sincere.

- Barbara, I don't
have to explain to you.

But since you seem so worried,

you have only seen
one side of Artie.

There is so much about
him you don't know.

You haven't even seen his act.

- He is his act.

- I don't believe that, Barbara.

I'm a little older than
you and I happen to be

a better judge of people,
so whatever you think,

I'm still gonna see him.

(Barbara laughs)

- That's what I say about
boyfriends you don't like.

- Oh honey, come on, give
your old misguided mother

a chance, huh?

I want you to like him.

Do me a favor,
let's surprise Artie.

Let's go to the club tonight,
and then you can see his act.

Please.

- Oh.

Alright.

But what if I still
don't like him?

- Oh, well, then you can cut off
my allowance and ground me.

(Barbara laughs)
(audience laughs)

- Do not understand women today.

They all have a thing,
like this big hangup.

They want independence.

Independence.

I met a girl about a
year ago, right Herbie?

I told you all about her?

I really liked this lady.

I asked her to move in with me.

She said, "yes, I
wanna live with you."

I was thrilled.

She only had one request,
she wanted a room of her own.

Alright, I gave her the kitchen.

(audience laughs)

Then she has the
nerve, right Herb?

Am I lying?

She's got the nerve to bring
her mother in to live with us.

I wake up in the morning,
I see an old lady's face.

But I'm calm, I'm nice.

I don't want to start a problem.

I said, "mom, my
house is your house."

She sold it.

(audience laughs)

You know the ladies
that get to me, though?

Divorcees.

They really get to me.

If I'm lying, I'm dying, I had
breakfast with one today.

She was a little anxious.

Served me bacon
and scrambled oysters.

I don't understand.

She lived in a typical
divorcee's place.

Divorcee decor, right?

A welcome mat in the bedroom
and a justice of the peace

in the closet.

(Artie laughs)

Hey, but I tell you
something about divorcees,

they are smart.

Even if they're
dumb, they're smart.

They got an instinct, they're
born with it, I don't know.

Divorcee will never come
out and say, "let's get married."

Oh, you ain't never
gonna hear that

from a divorcee's throat, no.

She's too subtle for that.

She says, "maybe someday I will.

"Someday."

Now you know that even means
after a very short engagement

or tomorrow morning,
whichever comes first.

(audience laughs)

She says, "it's gotta
be someone special."

Special means breathing.

"Somebody very sensitive."

Now sensitive means employed.

- Can I get you
something from the bar?

- No, thank you.

- Then my little divorcee,
she gets modest.

I don't know where
it comes from,

she gets an immediate
case of modesty.

She says, "hey,
maybe I'm too picky."

Whoa, Jack, when you hear
that word picky that is your cue.

You got to kick back the
covers, dive out the window,

and hope your parachute opens.

(audience laughs)

- He's a good listener,
remembered everything I said.

- I'm sorry.

- Let's go.

(audience applauds)

I can't say you didn't warn me.

I'm okay.

I just think I'm entitled to
a writer's fee, you know?

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

(bright music)

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