One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 23 - Connor's Crisis - full transcript

After left by his wife, Mr. Connors, Ann's boss, is taken out to dinner by Ann and ends up with a gold-digger.

("One Day At A Time Theme")

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One Day At A Time
♪ One Day At A Time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time

♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time

♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time

♪ One Day At A Time

- Oh, Mr. Connors!


- 3:45, a rather long lunch.

- Oh, now, Mr. Connors, a
watch that has charged through

the jungle on the foot of
an elephant could be wrong.


- Feeling frisky, aren't you?

- Oh, wait til you
hear the news.

Jergens loves the presentation.

It's between us and
the Barrow Agency.

We'll slaughter them.

They're old and
boring and stodgy.

- That's what my wife said.

- They haven't had an
original thought in years.

- She said that, too.


- She knows Barrow?

- She was talking about me.

- Oh.

- Last night, I had just finished
watching Lawrence Welk

and was having my cocoa
when she dropped the bomb.


- The bomb?

- Told me I had become
predictable, stodgy, and short.

And worst of all, she
called me tedious.

Has anyone ever
called you tedious?

- Oh, let me think.

I'm sure there must be...

- Tedious is a word that
embeds itself in your skin

and just lies there, throbbing.


Tedious, tedious,
tedious, tedious.

- Tedious.

Yeah, I get the point.

Mr. Connors, look.

People say crazy things
when they're angry.

- She wasn't angry.

She was packing.


Then, off she went.

Chuck roast still in the
oven, timer not even set.

- Listen to me, Mr. Connors.

I bet she just
needed a time alone,

a quiet place to reflect.

- Las Vegas?


- Oh.

- M.S. Romano, you have
always been brutally frank.

What do you think of me?

- Uh...

- And try to forget
that I'm the one

who signs your check every week.



- Well, I see a man
who is solid and practical,

reasonable... - And tedious.

Or, as my son
would say, dullsville.

- Well, you had a son.

You couldn't have
been dull all the time.


- Actually, I've always
considered myself a rather

dashing and exciting fellow.

Well, I guess I'll go home
and feed my guppies.

- Mr. Connors?

Why don't you
have dinner with me?

- M.S. Romano, pity is not
one of my favorite emotions.

- No, I'm talking pity.

I'm meeting Barbara,
we're having dinner out.

I'd love for you to join us.

- And bore you both to death?

- Impossible!

Not when you're
picking up the check.


See you later.

She should be here any minute.

Mr. Connors, I don't
know where Barbara is.

- Oh, hi there, Ms. Romano.

Oh, Mr. Connors, howdy!

- Schneider, what are you doing?

Where's Barbara?

- Now, don't get excited.

It's nothing serious.

Luckily, Barbara
was able to get me

before I left for the lodge.

- Schneider?

- Today is our annual Pickle
Dippin' Jeep Ropin' contest.


- Schneider!

- Oh, yeah.

See, her impacted wisdom tooth.

It became a little bit inflamed.

He's gonna clamp onto that thing

and just bulldoze
it out of there.


- Oh, no!

Mr. Connors, I have to go.

I'm sorry.

I hope you understand.

- Of course.

- Oh, Schneider?

Why don't you stay and
keep Mr. Connors company?


Thank you.

- Well, here we are.

- Right here.

- I could use a cocktail.

- Well, I'll have a drink.


- What'll it be?

- I'll have a very dry martini,

three parts gin, one part
vermouth, with a twist of lemon.

- Make it two, only
I'll have a cherry.

- You two are together?

- What do you mean, together?

We're just having
a couple of drinks.

We ain't going to the ballet.


- Well, the market seems to be

taking an upward
turn, doesn't it?

- Oh, sure does.

You know what I paid for
Campbell's soup the other day?

- A share?

- No, a can.


- Oh, I thought you were
talking Over-The-Counter.

- No, I'm talking
right off the shelf.

- I gave you two cherries.

One for good luck.


- Well, over the
lips, past the gums,

look out gut, here it comes!


That ain't half bad there.

Bartender, another one, please.

Keep the cherries coming, too.

- Mr. Schneider, I think
I'll be running along.

I'm not very good
company tonight.

Kind of under the weather,
headache-y, sluggish.


- Who's the chick?


- The chick?

- Yeah, well, it's either
gotta be a woman or influenza

and I'm betting you've
had your flu shots.

- You're a very perceptive
man, Mr. Schneider.

- Yeah, it's
frightening sometimes.


- You hit it right on the nose.

After 25 years of marriage,

my wife tells me
I'm dull and boring.

- You?

Dull and boring?

- She packed up and
left, Mr. Schneider.

- Oh well, I'm sorry to
hear that, Mr. Connors.

- Call me Claude.

- Call me Dwayne.

- Claude and Dwayne!


Well, I see things
are progressing nicely.

- Shouldn't you be
watering the drinks?


- To tell you the truth, Dwayne,

I've never known quite
what to say to women.

After I got married,

I didn't think I had to
worry about that anymore.

Now, I find out that
wives are still women.


- Are they ever!

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Don't look now, Claude,
but I think you're in luck.

A lovely little flower has
just blossomed in our midst

and I think it sits alone.

You're about to see a
demonstration of how

to talk to the fair sex
up close and personal.


- You don't even know her!

- Hey, we've all known
each other in another life.

Women believe that.

Just watch my smoke, kid.


Do I suspect, perchance,
mayhap, you might be alone?

- Why, I believe I am.

Hi, I'm Tina.

- Dwayne F. Schneider, Tina.


- Well, why haven't I
seen you here before?

- Well, usually,
I'm over at my club,

The Boom-Boom
Room at The Purple Pig.


Bartender, may we have...
- Right.

The usual?

Door swings both
ways, huh, buddy?

- Say, Tina, I have an idea.

I'd like you to meet a friend
of mine, a real dynamite guy,

used to be a shop
steward for the Teamsters.

Some say he still has
connections on the docks.

- I love to travel.


- If you'll excuse me
for just a moment,

I shall tarry but a nonce.

Okay, I got her primed for you.

Just relax.

You're a shoe-in.

Now, let me see you smile.


Smile, let me see you smile.

Pretend gold went up 200 bucks.


That's the smile!

Tina, I would like you
to meet my good buddy,

Claude "Dynamite" Connors.

Dynamite, say hello to Tina.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Oh, what an elegant suit!

- Thank you.

My wife picked it out for me.

- My uncle was buried
in one just like that.


- My brother sells
them door-to-door!

Why don't we just sit down
here and we'll just sit down

and get to know one another.

- Where is your wife now?

- She walked out on me.

- Oh, there's a lot
of that going around.


- Claude, would you look
at those lovely eyes on Tina?

Aren't they something?

I look at them and I
see two limpid pools of

fire, passion and ice.

How do they look to you?

- Brown.


- Brown!

The man is a
million laughs, see?

He keeps me in
stitches all the time.

He was just saying to
me, up there at the bar,

that when he first saw you,

he felt this
incredible vibration.

- Really?

What did you think it was?

- It might have been
the Number Three bus.

It goes right past here.



- Claude, have you maybe
seen a movie or something

recently that you
could tell Tina about?

- Oh, yes, I have.

At our seminar last Friday,
there was a fascinating film,

The Dredging Of Lake Erie.


You see, due to a lot
of heavy precipitation...

- The Dredging Of Lake Erie?

My goodness!

What an incredible film!

The man sees all the best.

That was probably
a foreign film.

I tell you, I've learned so much

at the feet of this gentleman.

He can talk on any subject!

Talking about talking,

it's incredible the way
you two are getting along.

It's as if you had
met in another life!


- Oh, gosh!

Happy Hour's almost ended.

I really have to go.

- No, no, no.

You stay.

I really must be going.

Thanks, Schneider, but I'm
not very good at small talk.

I guess I've been too
busy with my business,

piling up the money, stuffing
away the stocks and bonds.


What does it all mean
in the scheme of things?


- Wait!

You forgot something.

- What?

- Me!


I mean, since I'm
leaving anyway.

Goodbye, hon.

See you in another life.


I'd just love to hear
you talk about dredging.

I'm not into lakes, really,

but your voice is so
deep and commanding.

I could listen to
you talk all night!



- Hi, honey.

Is your mouth
feeling any better?

- No, and I look
like half a chipmunk.


- Oh, no you don't.

- Top of the morning, ladies!

- Good morning, Schneider.

- Oh wow!

You look like half a squirrel.


- Well, I was close.

- Schneider, I'm glad
you came by this morning.

I want to apologize
for leaving you

with Mr. Connors last night.

- Au contraire!

That old Claude there
is a surprising fellow!

There's more there
than meets the eye.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I don't like to toot
my own sax but I think

I was quite an inspiration
to old Claude last night.

Of course, I must say, the
man is a pretty fast learner.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, when I saw him
walk out of that place

with that gorgeous
chick on his arm,

I really felt proud.

Confused, but proud.


- Schneider, how could
you do something like that?

Mr. Connors is a family man.

For heaven's sakes, he's a
member of the Rotary Club!

- Oh now, wait a second.

He told me his wife left him!

- Yeah, but not for good.

Just to think things over.

- Oh, if I'd have known that,
I'd have taken him bowling.


- Yeah, he could have
had a ball there, too.


- Schneider, tell me, do
you think anything happened

between Mr. Connors
and this girl?

- Do fish swim?


Do birds fly?

Do rabbits... (laughter)

- Good, and I do
mean good, morning.


- Well, good
morning, Mr. Connors.

It is Mr. Connors, isn't it?

- In the flesh, if you'll
pardon the basic expression.


- Right.

Mr. Jergens called
again this morning.

He's really very
excited about the...

- Who cares?


- Yeah, and he'd like
to have lunch with you...

- Aren't you going to ask
me how my evening was?

- Well, it's really none
of my business, is it?

- I'm making it your business.

Ask me!

- Mr. Connors, you really
don't have to explain.

- Oh, but I want to.

I haven't had anything
to explain for years.


- Well, I think I know
you pretty well and

I'm sure that nothing happened.


Did it?

- Francis Scott Key may
have known me a previous life.

Rockets red glare,
bombs bursting in air.


- Well, hey.

We all go a little
bonkers now and then.

- Oh, get with it, M.S. Romano.

Nobody says bonkers anymore.

The current expression
is freaked out.

Tina-Baby taught me that.


- Tina-Baby?

- An attractive lady
whose master switch

I flipped last night.


- Mr. Connors, you really
don't have to tell me anything.

- You work for me.

I can tell you anything.

She told me I reminded her
of a late-model Mick Jagger.


I can't blame her.

I was an animal.


- Mr. Connors...
- I even surprised myself.

Do you know we danced
barefoot at her place?

- No, I didn't know.

- Well, of course you didn't.

I just told you.


The music was soft,
the wine was heady.

Tina couldn't control herself.

She removed my tie.


- Oh, I really do
think we should talk...

- It was incredible, Annie.

I've got it and I
didn't even know it.

At that moment, I knew I
could save my marriage.

- But, too late?

- Not at all.

I put my tie back on.

I am a Rotarian, you know.


- Oh, then nothing?

Everything's all right?

- Well, not quite.

There's a very unfulfilled
young lady waiting outside.

- Tina's here?

- She's had a tough life.

To ease the pain of rejection,

I told her that I'd
arrange something,

help her find a place,
a position, you know?

- That's very nice.

- Yes, so call around.

Find someone who needs
a personable, attractive lady

whose perception of people
borders on sheer genius.

- Now, wait a
minute, Mr. Connors.

You said that you were
going to arrange something.

- I just did.


Now, I'm going
to call my wife and

use the new oomph to win
her back, to knock her socks off.


Tina, you can come in now.

- Connie, I missed you.

- I know.

M.S. Romano will set
things up for you, my dear.

- Well, hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.

- I could just wait
til Connie's not busy.

- No, really.

There's no need.

Please sit down.

I'm sure I can find
a place for you.

- Well, okay.

- Do you type?
- No.

- Take dictation?
- No.

- How about filing?

- What are all
these questions for?

All you have to do
is find me a place.

Something nearby for Connie,

with a bedroom
and nice furniture.

- What?

- Something on
the second floor with

a discreet entrance
is always nice.

When Mr. Henderson, of
Henderson Tool And Die,

was my previous best friend,

we had a place without
anyone knowing for three years.

- Really?

Oh, that's fascinating.

Oh, my heavens!

The Tasmanian Oil account!

It's a million dollar deal.

I really have to talk to...

- A million dollars?

- Gross.

Net would be much less.

- Half a million?

- Probably less than that.

It's going to end up
being a total loss, I'm sure.

Until those things are
finished, you never know.

Mr. Connors?


Could you step into my office
for just a moment, please?

Yes, Sir.

Thank you.

Tina, I hope you understand.

Could you wait outside
for just a moment?

Business, you know?

- Oh, sure.

When you find a place,
be sure it has a good TV.

There's a lot of lonely
hours, especially on holidays.

Good luck on your Tasmanian Oil!


- Tasmanian Oil?

- Uh, Mr. Connors, about Tina...

- Did you find her a job?

What does she want to do?

- She wants to be your mistress.

- Do we have an opening?


- What?

- Mistress? Mistress?

- Yes.

- Oh, that poor girl.

I finally get her turned
on, it's too much!


She's mad for me!

What am I going to do?

- Mr. Connors, I feel
that if you explain...

- You can't explain anything
to a lovesick female?

Now, do you know anybody
else that needs a mistress?


- Well, I could check the
bulletin board at the market.


- M.S. Romano, I've got
a wife coming home and

I've got to get out of this.

I don't want to
break Tina's heart.

I want you to do it for me.

- Me?

Oh no!

- As a personal favor.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- As an order.

- You can't do that.

- You're right.

Let's try pathos.

Last night... - Oh!

- I entered a world I
know nothing about,

a world of illicit yah-ha and

I learned that I'm not
as dull as I thought.

Now, all I want to do is
not be dull with my wife.

- But, Tina...
- Wants me desperately.

She's a casualty of love and
she's got to be told the truth.

- Mr. Connors?

- Gently.

- Mr. Connors!

- I'll send her in.

My dear!

- Oh, Connie, I missed you!

- Try to fight it.


You'll see everything
will be okay.

- Did the million come through?

- Uh, no.

The deal fell apart, actually.

- Oh, darn.

Now, about the apartment.

- Yes.

Tina, I'm afraid there's
been a big misunderstanding.

Mr. Connors loves
his wife dearly!

He has no intention
of taking a mistress.

- Hey!

What are you trying to pull?

He said he was
gonna find me a place.

- Yes, a place.

He meant a job.

- You mean like work?


He's got some nerve!

A deal is a deal!

He said he owed me!

Now, where is he?

I don't believe this!

I'm not taking
your word for this.

- Tina, please, take my word!

Oh, besides,
Mr. Connors isn't your type.

- He's loaded, isn't he?

He's my type.


At my age, you take
what you can get.

You know how it is.

You're pushing 40.

- Tina, why do you think that
Mr. Connors owes you anything?

- Are you kidding?

I wasted a whole
night on this guy!

I'm not leaving empty-handed!

- I see.

Okay, perhaps we can find
some way for you to collect

and also get your apartment.

- Fine.

Now, you're talking.

- Good.

You know that hear at
Connors & Davenport

we handle a lot of clients and
we like to keep them happy.

- Happy?

- You bet.

The way you wanted to
keep Mr. Connors happy.

- You mean...
- You bet!

And hey, I wouldn't
worry about a TV.

I doubt that there are
going to be any lonely nights.

- Wait a minute!

- As a matter of fact,

there's a convention
coming in next week.

It's the Amalgamated
Steel Workers.

They're a truly
generous bunch of guys.

- What do you think I am?

- We've established that.

(audience gasps)

- I'm no hooker!

- You negotiate like one.

- Oh, you're a fine one to talk.

I can imagine what
you did to get this set-up.

- Well, hey, it's
the only life I know.


- Well, you can have it!

When I make a deal
with a guy, it's exclusive,

something you wouldn't
know anything about!

I've got integrity!


- And I am not pushing 40.


- Well?

Was she crushed?

- She was very disappointed,
but, Mr. Connors,

time heals all wounds.

- Well, I hope that
includes my wife's.

I'm picking her up
at the airport tonight.

Wish me luck.

- Good luck, Tiger.

(playfully growling)



("One Day At A Time Theme")

(orchestral fanfare)