One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Second Mrs. Cooper - full transcript

The girls feel their dad's new wife is pushing them out of his life.

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here ♪ Enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Ms. Romano?

(audience laughs)

Ms. Romano?

You asleep?

- I sure am.

(audience laughs)

- Ms. Romano, it is
not good to be sleeping

in the middle of the day.

- Ha ha, you're right.

Last time I laid down
in the middle of the day,

Barbara was born.

(audience laughs)

- In the middle of
the day. (laughs)

Listen, Julie asked me if
there was anything I could do

with this hairdryer.

(audience laughs)

- Would you like a suggestion?

- Testy, huh?

Well anyway, it's fixed.

Ms. Romano, don't
go back to sleep again.

In the circumstances,
that's the worst thing

that you can do.

Come on, come on.

(audience laughs)

Ms. Romano, will you
stop wilting on me?

You look like you
could be oozing

out of a frozen yogurt machine.

- Oh, what the hell are
you bothering me for?

- Oh, that's good.

Now see, that's good.

Now see, you're
saying Schneider,

level with me, get to the point.

You're saying, Schneider,
don't let the john back up.

Pull out your plunger.

You're saying, Schneider,
push aside the pork

and let's get to the beans.

- (yells)

(audience laughs)

- Thank God it was a pillow.

Now Ms. Romano, believe
me, it is not good see,

it is not good for
you to take it so hard

when your daughters
go off for a weekend

to see their father.

- Schneider, please.

I was working all night.

- Insecurity, see,
it's insecurity, right?

Your insides are
eating themselves out

because your daughters
go to see their father

with his new wife, and
you cannot reconciliate that.

- How'd you get all
these marvelous insights?

- Ah, obviously you haven't read

this month's Readers' Digest.

(audience laughs)

They have a test in
it for divorced women.

- Hey, I'm just gonna run
out and buy myself a copy.

- Don't bother, I already
took the test for you.

(audience laughs)

And you flunked.

Now, according to the digest,

your type of person responds
best to physical activity,

preferably with a partner.

(audience laughs)

- Out, get out of here!

- Out?

- Out!

- What are you
talking about out?

(audience laughs)

I have already
reserved us a lane.

(audience laughs)

- A lane, you meant bowling.

- Well, of course
I meant bowling.

Ms. Romano, listen, I mean

there is no longer any sexual
inclination between you and I.

I mean, that's over.

That is over.

I thought you knew, I
thought you accepted that.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I accepted that, with suffering.

(audience laughs)

- But, two people have the
same basic feeling, I mean,

you know, there's an awful lot

of emotional residue left over.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, I appreciate
your deep concern for me, I do.

But if you wanna know the truth,

all I wanna do is just
laze around all weekend.

- Now are you telling me
that for this entire weekend

you're just gonna
lie around prostate?

(audience laughs)

- Hello.

- Uh, hi.

You weren't supposed
to be home until tomorrow,

what's wrong?

- Oh, what makes you
think anything's wrong?

- What happened?

- Julie got sick.

- I did?

(audience laughs)

I did, I got sick.

- Okay, okay, that
was a very nice try.

What happened?

- You really want to know?

- I really wanna know.

- Schneider.

I'm waiting.

- All right, all right.

You really wanna know?

I have been dying to
get this off my chest.

Julie, tell her.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, it's Dad's
wife, she's unbearable!

- If it means that
we have to see her

when we go to visit Dad,
I would rather not do it.

Vicky is the pits.

(audience laughs)

- Well now, she
can't be all that bad.

- Mom, you've never met her.

She is stupid and shallow.

- And dumb and tasteless.

- Well, I know Vicky isn't
one of your favorite people,

but I mean, there must be
some redeeming features.

(audience laughs)

- She's healthy, yeah.

I guess some men would
think she's attractive, now,

but just wait until
she reaches your age.

- So, Ed got himself a youngie.

I mean, so he's a
lucky son of a gun.

(audience laughs)

I mean, nothing personal
Ms. Romano, I mean,

you, you're very well preserved.

- Schneider, my mother
doesn't need you to insult her.

- Right, I got two
young daughters

who will do it just fine.

(audience laughs)

- Look girls, now I'd probably
see something in this chick

that neither of you
are aware about.

- You mean she's
great in the hay?

- Hey.

- Hay, right.

- Look, Mom, Vicky is so jealous

she won't leave Dad
and us alone for a minute.

- Every time we go for a drive,

there she is in the front seat.

- Oh well, how
thoughtless of her.

I mean, she should
be considerate

and sit back there in the trunk.

(audience laughs)

- We measured, she wouldn't fit.

- Mom, that back seat is dinky.

And the money that Dad
paid for that flashy sports car.

- He bought a sports car?

- [Julie and Barbara] For her.

(audience laughs)

- You know, it's
the same old story.

New wife moves in
there after the old wife

spent all them years
housebreaking the old man.

Pants do all the work,
vest gets all the gravy.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, you could
make a real contribution

to this conversation
by staying out of it.

- Don't think, don't think

that I failed to catch
your innuendo there, huh?

You know, I don't need
a roof falling on me, huh?

So I will uh, just
save you the ignominy

of cutting me out
of this conversation.

(audience laughs)

- Bye bye.

- Bye bye.

- Ignominy is...

- You know me well enough
to say what's on your mind!

(audience laughs)

You wanna say to me,
Schneider, you're not part of this?

You simply say, Schneider...

- You're not wanted.

- How can you say that?

(audience applauds)

- Okay, now girls, I know
that Vicky isn't perfect,

but what exactly is
the matter with her?

And don't leave anything out.

(audience laughs)

- Everything is
the matter with her.

- You know what, Mom?

She is redoing our house.

- Yeah.

- Redoing the house, why?

I just did it a few years ago.

- She's painted everything
dull and flat and blah.

- Oh well, that's interesting.

I guess she just wants it
to match her personality.

(audience laughs)

- Right now it looks like
a split-level men's room.

- Mom, let's get to the
main problem, okay?

- Okay.

- You might as well know.

Vicky is deliberately
trying to drive a wedge

between Dad and us.

- Oh, I don't believe that.

Are you sure?

- Do turtles lay eggs?

Do they?

(audience laughs)

Oh, yeah!

Of course, turtles lay eggs!

See, they dig a hole
in the sand and then

the little hatchlings
run to the sea

before the birds can catch them.

Only about five out of every
thousand usually make it.

- What is this, The Undersea
World of Jacques Cousteau?

(audience laughs)

- I just, I just can't
believe that that woman

is trying to obliterate
you from your father's life.

- That woman is
giving it a good try.

- Why didn't you
tell me this before?

- Well, because we weren't
quite sure until this last visit.

- She was so obvious, Mom,

she wouldn't let us alone
with Dad for a minute.

- The minute we
would start to reminisce,

Vicky changed the
subject immediately.

- Remember that album of
baby pictures Daddy had?

Gone, poof, gone.

- Gone?


(audience laughs)

You riding on a pony
and you, Barbara, smiling,

with your four
front teeth missing?

(audience laughs)

- Poof, gone!

Like my four front teeth.

- Vicky is trying to blot us out

just like she painted
over all our walls.

I mean, it's like we're being
psychologically Chemtoned.

(audience laughs)

- But do you know
what really blew it?

Okay, listen to this.

Julie and I were planning
a nice little birthday party

for Dad, you know,
at a nice restaurant.

She nixed the whole idea.

- She ni... she... she
wouldn't let you give

a birthday party
for your own father?

- Nope.

- Oh well, that's ridiculous.

I mean, anybody who
doesn't allow two children

to give a birthday party
for their own father is...

She's crazy.

- Do you know what's like to
feel unwelcome in the house

that you grew up in?

- When we faked an
excuse to come home early,

Vicky just smiled.

- Oh, oh, oh, no.

- Who are you calling?

- Oh, don't bother Dad.

- Oh no, don't
call Dad, no, he's...

- Hello, Mrs. Cooper.

This is the first Mrs.
Cooper, the original.

(audience laughs)

No, not Ed's mother.


Look, I think that maybe,
I think, excuse me,

maybe we should um,
you know, get together

and straighten a few things out.

Well how about tonight at 7?

(audience applauds)

- Okay Ms. Romano,
I fixed your vent!

- [Ann] Thank you.

- Geronimo!

Listen, I'm gonna
turn on some music,

make Ed's wife feel at home.

- Schneider, this is not
a social visit, it's war.

(audience whoops)

- I see that you are decked
out in full battle regalia.

May I remind you that the
Geneva Convention outlaws poison.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, I'm going to show
this woman more hospitality

than she has shown my girls.

- What is this?

Looks pretty jazzy.

- Oh, nothing, it's just
your simple, ordinary,

pate de fois gras.

(audience laughs)

- Pate de fois gras.

Oh, but the way
you were talking,

I mean, a dab of jack
cheese on a soda cracker

would be enough.

How come you're
rolling out the red carpet?

- Schneider, I have
invited this woman here

to tell her that anyone who
can come between a father

and his children is
self-serving, conniving,

unscrupulous and neurotic.

But I'm not gonna be rude.

(audience laughs)

- Well I mean, where's
Julie and Barbara?

They were supposed
to be here for this.

- This is between Vicky and me.

- Ah, you mean like
the big showdown

with Gary Cooper
in High Noon, huh?

(audience laughs)

♪ Do not forsake
me, oh my darling.

♪ On this our wedding
day - Schneider!

- I just hope you gun
her down, little lady.

Because from what I
hear, that fancy city woman

is just plain ornery.

(audience laughs)

Ms. Romano, you
better set your watch.

It's 12 o'clock straight up.


(audience laughs)

Morning, ma'am.

- I'm Ann... Romano.

- Vicky... Cooper.

- Yes I know, I've got two
daughters with that name.

- I've met them.

(audience laughs)

- Come on in.

Here, I'll take your coat.

- Thank you.

- Uh-huh.

Oh please, sit down.

(audience laughs)

Funny, isn't it?

You know, two people who live

in the same small town like
Logansport and never even meet.

- Well, we did go to
the same high school.

- We did?

- You were in my uncle's class.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle?

- Uh-huh.

- He must've
been left back a lot.

(audience laughs)

Would you like some
Chablis, that's white wine.

- I know, Ed says
he prefers it to red.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, uh, here's the wine.

- Thank you.

- Would you like
an hors d'oeuvre?

- Oh you know, I used to
love this when I was a kid.

- Pate de fois gras?

- Oh, we used to
call it goose liver.

(audience laughs)

Your daughters keep
telling me that I should try

some of your fabulous recipes.

- Oh, well which
ones would you like?

- Oh, none of them!

I already have a copy
of the Pocket Cookbook.

(audience laughs)

- Why don't we
cut out the charm?

See, I know why I'm uptight,
I'm not quite sure why you are.

Now I mean, I like to think
that I'm a fair-minded person.

- Oh, I'm sure you do.

- Thank you, I...

Now what was that?

- I said I'm sure
you like to think

you're a fair-minded person.

(audience laughs)

- Vicky, you're not
drinking your wine.

Would you prefer
a saucer of milk?

(audience applauds)

Okay, let's get
down to it, okay?

My kids have some pretty
heavy complaints about you,

they seem to feel that...
well, they seem to feel

that you'd prefer not
having them around.

- That's about right.

- (laughs) Uh...

those are my daughters
you're talking about.

I'm their mother.

- Well somebody
has to be their mother.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I think there
might be, you know,

just a trivial point that you
might've overlooked here,

you know, in passing.

Ed's their father.

- Oh, I don't hold
that against Ed.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, okay Vicky, bottom
line, um, right down to it, okay?

Uh, what seems to
be the cause of friction

between you and my daughters?

- Frankly, they bug
the hell out of me.

(audience laughs)

- Would you like your
lights punched out?

(audience applauds)

I don't know, you barge in
here, you insult my children...

- I did not barge in here, I
was practically summoned.

- Hi, Mom.

Oh hi, Vicky,
are you still here?

- I thought you were
supposed to be at the movies.

- Oh, we just
left a little early.

- You left a little
early, uh-huh,

before you bought the tickets.

(audience laughs)

You came home
because you thought

there was gonna
be a big argument

and you thought
you could get in on it.

Well, you're wrong.

- No big argument?

- You're not getting in on it.

(audience laughs)

Go to your room.

- Now that's a sensible idea.

- On second thought, stay.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, where do we start?

- Okay Julie,
let's start with you.

- All right.

Vicky, the way I see
it, you don't like us.

- And you don't like me.

- Exactly.

(audience laughs)

The problem is you
can't see your Dad

with anyone but Super Mom...

that's all I hear from them.

Mom, Mom, Mom,
for three days after,

Ed keeps calling me Ann.

- Oh well see, Ed always gets
names mixed up when he's mad.

- That I can handle, but in bed?

(audience whoops)

I'm sorry, but I'm
married to your father now

and as much as
you dislike the idea,

you're gonna just
have to get used to it.

- Well, you are gonna
have to get used to the idea

that these are Ed's
daughters forever.

- I'm reminded every day.

- Listen to her!

She sounds like we're
intruding in on her life.

Vicky, you're the outsider.

- Hey, hey, wait
a minute, Barbara.

- Mom, it's true.

She may be the new
wife but we're the old kids,

that's why she resents us.

- You're damn
right I resent you.

- Yeah, you resent them so
much you're gonna come between

a father and his children?

- No, I resent them so much
because they're coming between

me and my husband.

Girls, tell your mother
about the birthday party.

- They have already told me.

I would like to know what
you consider so wrong

with two children giving a
birthday party for their father.

- Oh nothing, except
they didn't invite me.

(audience laughs)

- Is that true?

- Well, it was just kind of
between Dad and us and you know.

- Hey, hey, girls,
now fair is fair.

What'd you expect,
your father to go out

and leave his wife sitting home?

- Well, we were
gonna invite you.

(audience laughs)

- Well uh, that's sweet,
but I'm not Ed's wife.

- They don't think I am either.

- Look, it was just
a special occasion,

one miserable special occasion

and you couldn't stay out of it.

It's my dad's 45th birthday,
a night out for the Coopers.

- I am a Cooper, she's not!

- Look Vicky, we're
asking for one family night.

Are you afraid of one night?

- No, I'm afraid
for my marriage.

- Well if you can't
hold on to my dad,

maybe he's just not your type.

You should go out
and find somebody, y...

- Julie, shut up.

- You girls are playing
games with birthday parties.

I'm playing for the
rest of my life with Ed.

These girls are just too much.

They know how to handle
their father, boy do they.

But when I married Ed, I
thought we were going to

start a new life together.

No way, not with this team.

- Look, we love our father...
- Barbara.

- I don't know what I have to do

to get through to you girls.

I'll get down on my knees, okay?

But give me a break, huh?

I'd like to start a
family of my own,

but I don't dare
talk about that to Ed.

Not the way he adores these two.

He sees them, and the
look in his eyes says,

this is his family.

I can't make any plans,

I'm just somewhere
out there in limbo.

- Well, that's not right.

You should be
able to make plans.

If you and Ed want
to start a family,

you should be able to.

I know that I'd resent it if
I couldn't start a new one.

- Mom!

- Not that I'm
thinking about it.

(audience laughs)

- Now I may be wrong,
but I get the feeling

your daughters think I'm all
that's standing between you

and Ed getting back together.

- Isn't that so...

Wait a second, um, I
didn't mean to say that.

Uh look, it's just...

- It's just that it's hard
for us to see our father

with anyone but our mother.

- Girls, this isn't a
temporary holiday we're on.

I mean, this is called divorce.

- Yeah, well sometimes divorce

isn't all it's cracked up to be.

(audience laughs)

- You're right, I
agree with you.

You know, when I got divorced

I got rid of a lot
of old problems

and I got myself a
bunch of dandy new ones.

Uh-huh, like two
jealous daughters

who are sabotaging
their father's marriage.

- Must you make
us feel so guilty?

- That's what mothers are for.

(audience laughs)

- Vicky, I'm sorry.

- Mom, don't apologize for us.

- No, I'm not apologizing for
you, I'm apologizing for me.

But I'm sure you
have something to say.

- I've got something to say.

I hate these adult

(audience laughs)

Look Vicky... I'm sorry,

that I felt the
way I felt, really.

But I'm also sorry that I
still sort of feel that way.

- I know what Barbara
means, it's kind of hard

to change all of a
sudden, you know?

But we were wrong,
and we'll start trying.

- Thank you,
that's, that's all I ask.

- Well uh, Vicky, you
wanna stay for dinner?

- Yeah, nobody can
cook like my mom.

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) I've heard.

Well, I think I'll
just pass on dinner.

But Ann, I'd like to
apologize for something I said.

But I just can't, I
hate your goose liver.

(audience laughs)

- Well, not everybody
can have taste.

(audience laughs)

Well you know, there is
one thing that gives me hope

that this all might work out.

- What's that?

- Ed.

I've always felt that he
had exquisite taste in wives.

(audience laughs)

- Goodbye.

(audience applauds)

- [Narrator] One day at
a time was recorded live

on tape for a studio audience.

(upbeat music)