One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 6 - Bob Loves Barbara - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it's all

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

(doorbell rings)

- Julie, would you
get the door please?

- Mom, could you ask Barbara?

- No honey, she's
getting dressed.

- Mom, I don't want
anybody to see me like this.

I don't want anybody to
know I fell off a skateboard.

- Who is it?

- [Bob] It's Bob.

- Oh, it's Bob again.

- Honey, would you be nice?

- Be nice?

Aren't you tired of him?

He's here all the time.

- Anybody who loves your
sister as much as he does

can't be all bad.

- Can't be all
that bright either.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi, Julie.

Sorry to hear
about your accident.

- Yeah, I hurt myself skiing.

- Oh yeah?

I think you'd better
tell Barbara that.

She thinks you fell
off a skateboard.

You know, I walk like
that when I get sand

in my swim trunks.

Hi, Ms. Romano.

- Hello, Bob.

- I had a little
snack here last night

and I only thought it
was right I replace it.

Here's the chocolate cream pie,

the half gallon of milk,
and a bucket of legs.

- Yeah Bob, thank you.

Would you please take
that all into the kitchen?

- Oh sure, I know
where everything goes.

- And I know where
everything went.

- Barbara home?

- Yes honey, she is.

She's getting ready for a date.

- Oh, with a boy?

- I assume so.

- Well, anybody I know?

- It's a Roger
something or other.

- Roger Altman?

- Yeah yeah, that's it.

- He's a quarterback
on the football team.

He gets a lot of dates.

I'm in the marching band.

Nobody notices
me behind the tuba.

- You know Bob, I always
wanted to ask you about that.

Why the tuba?

- Doctor said it would clear
up my nasal congestion.

You know, Ms. Romano,
I don't blame Roger

for taking out Barbara.

She's beautiful.

Was she always that
beautiful, even as a baby?

- Well as I remember,
she was fat and bald

and used to throw
up her spinach a lot.

- I bet she was cute doing it.

Right now, I think
Barbara's more beautiful

than Farrah Fawcett.

- Who?

- Farrah Fawcett.

- Yes Bob, I know.

- When I watch her, all
I do is count her teeth.

She's got three more
than anyone else.

- Hey Bob, would
you do me a favor?

There's a new ribbon
in that top drawer

in the desk over there.

Would you get it for me?

This one's really about had it.

- [Bob] Sure.

- Thank you.

- Zipper, please.

- Oh honey I can't, my
hands are busy and full.

- Oh poop.

Bob, would you mind?

- Me?

- Yes you, please.

- Sure.

Here, Ms. Romano.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

That was my first zipper.

I mean, in the back.

I mean, I mean,

you smell nice.

- Thanks Bob, but
that's the cologne

you gave me for my birthday.

- Really?

Smells better on
you than it did on me.

I mean, when the sales
lady tested it on my hand.

- Right.

- Going out with
Roger Altman, huh?

- Mmhmm.

- I'm not surprised.

Every pretty girl in school
does sooner or later.

Barbara, is it true a
girl has to take a number

to get a date with him?

- Who told you that?

- He did.

He's probably just bragging.

If he did everything
he said he did,

he wouldn't be able to
play football on Friday.

- Bob, why don't
you go grab yourself

a couple of chicken legs?

- Oh gee thanks,
do you have any?

Oh, I just brought it.

- Honey, why are you going
out with a guy like Roger?

- He asked me.

Because if I go out
with a guy like Roger,

it means I'm gonna be accepted.

- Accepted on his terms.

Listen, we've talked about
this often enough, you know...

- Yes I know we
talked about it, Mom.

Really, I know the lecture.

Really, I do.

I shouldn't see myself through
the eyes of some guy, right?

- Absolutely.
- Okay, okay, I know that.

But the way it is
in school right now,

if I don't want to stay
home every night,

I got to play this game.

- [Ann] I don't think that
this game is worth playing

if you want to know
the... (doorbell rings)

- That's Roger, Mom.

- Hi, Barbara.

- Hi, come on in.

Roger, my mother.

- Hi.

- Hello, Roger.

- Hey Bob, how's the tuba?

- Fine, fine.

The marching band
has a great halftime show

lined up for next Friday.

For the big finish,
we're gonna form

the pattern of a football.

And I'm the air hole.

- Well, time to go.

I'll see you later.
- Goodnight.

See you, Bob.

- Night, see you home early.

- [Barbara] Okay,
we'll be home early.

- I'll be here when
you get back.

You know, it doesn't seem fair.

- What doesn't?

- Roger's gonna be
turned on by my cologne.

- Bob, you like
Barbara, don't you?

- Yeah.

- Well.

Why don't you ask her out?

- I have 74 times.

By now, she thinks
I'm a recording.

- Well young man, that is
a very negative approach.

And it's unnecessary.

You are a very nice,
good looking boy.

- Oh come on, even my
mother doesn't like me.

- What are you talking about?

- She always rejected me.

When I was a baby,
she didn't breastfeed me.

- What?

Bob, that has nothing
to do with rejection.

- She breastfed my sister
and she's popular and beautiful.

And look at me.

- [Ann] Oh, Bob.

- Ms. Romano, is
it possible to get an

inferiority complex
from evaporated milk?

- Listen to me.

You have nothing
to agonize over.

I'm sure Barbara
will go out with you.

- I don't know if I
should even ask her.

It's dangerous.

- I don't understand that.

- She's getting too beautiful.

Something happens to
me when I get close to her.

I get certain feelings.

I'm normal, you know.

- Well.

Of course you're normal.

That's just normal.

It's nature.

Boys get that way
and girls get that way.

- You mean, girls
have the same feelings?

- Bob, you took sex
education, didn't you?

- Well sure, they
tried to tell us anything.

It's not like in
chemistry class.

You don't get a
chance to experiment.

Ms. Romano, I'm so confused.

I don't know what's
happening to me.

I'm not sleeping well at all.

- That's tough being a teenager.

I know, I was one myself.

- You were?

How did you live through it?

- I didn't, I got married.

I'm not helping you much, huh?

- Not really.

- Look Bob, I'm
no expert on girls.

God knows I'm certainly
not an expert on boys.

Haven't you talked to
your father about this?

- Last year.

He referred me to
my scout master.

All I learned from him was
never to spit into the wind.

- Bob, really you have
nothing to worry about.

You are one terrific kid.

- Gee, I wish Barbara
was as friendly as you.

- As you know, we have
a grave energy crisis

in this country, Mrs. Molliner.

And you have been
way over on your wattage.

I trust you have seen
the sign which I posted

in the elevator.

Don't give America the brush.

Cut your electricity,
shorten your flush.

Thank you very much indeed.


Come in.

Oh hey, kid.

- [Bob] Hi, Mr. Schneider.

Can I talk to you?

- Sure, make yourself at home.

- [Bob] Thanks.

- I was just gonna
have my dinner.


Voila is French.

You're hungry, you can
join me at the other end.

- No thanks, I've eaten.

- Okay, what's on your mind?

- Well, I heard you were
an expert on women.

- An expert?


Let me put it this way.

If they cut down all the
trees they would need

to make all the
paper they would need

to write all that I
know about women,

Oregon would be bald.


- That's funny.

Mr. Schneider, when
you were my age,

did you know much about sex?

- When I was your
age, Oregon's timber line

was already receding.

- You sure were way ahead of me.

When it comes
to girls, I've never,

you know, I've never.

- Never?

- Never.

- Look kid, this is
kind of a delicate area.

I think maybe you
ought to give your dad

first shot at
discussing it with you.

- I don't think he remembers.

After me, he swore off.

Mr. Schneider, I hope
I'm not embarrassing you.

- Embarrassing me?

Oh, embarrassing.

I am the guru of girls.

Encyclopedia sexicana.

Sailors come to me
for a refresher course.

Here, you better take notes.


- [Bob] Yeah.

- All right.

Now A, attitude.

You got to be cool and loose.

I mean, you got to
believe in yourself.

When that rooster
walks into that hen house,

he ain't there to feel
the warm eggs, capiche?

- Can we get to the girls?

- Yeah, okay.

Now when you walk into a room,

you single out
your object d'amour.

You zap her with
a look that says,

fortune is smiling upon you.

And she looks at you,
she flutters her eyes,

and you've just added another
butterfly to your collection.

- How'd you know I had
a butterfly collection?

- I know.

- Can we get to the girls?

I'm desperate.

- Yeah, well we'd
better skip B and get

right to C, confidence.

Now, you have to know
that you have macho.

For example, I first knew
it when my babysitter

refused to accept payment.

Am I going too fast for you?

- No, I'm with you.


- Yeah right, confidence.

Now, the way to get
confidence is you've

got to have experience,
and the only way

to get experience is,

you have to go out
and experience things.

Of course, you have
to have the cooperation

of a young lady.

You have a young lady in mind?

- I really like Barbara.

- Barbara?

I didn't hear that.

I did not hear the name Barbara.

It was not mentioned
in this conversation.

- Don't get the wrong idea.

- Don't you get the wrong idea.

- I don't have any wrong
ideas, that's my problem.

- Taking these notes
over to the furnace

and I'm gonna burn them.

And don't try sifting
through the ashes.

- Experience.

Where am I gonna get experience?

Hey, Lenny?

This is Bob.

You happen to know
Wendy Sill's phone number?

Yeah, I know it's on all
the walls at school but,

I never thought I'd
need it until now.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Mmm, looks good.
- Morning, kid.

Hey hey, Barb, how was
your date with school jock?

- Boring.

He's just another one
of those three M guys.

Movies, milkshakes,
and making out.

I only went for
two out of three.

- You mean you
gave up a milkshake?

- Honey.
- Ha ha.

- Look, Barbara.

- What?

- You knew that Roger
was gonna come on strong

before you went out with him.

- I know I knew.

- Well?

- Well see, once a guy
like Roger dates you,

it's like the seal of approval.

Then all the other guys
want to take you out.

- Well, how many
guys can you handle?

- Mom, if I go with
one guy for too long,

I'm expected to, you know.

This way, I can do a juggling
act and I don't have to,

because all the guys
are too conceited

to admit they struck out.

- Look who's growing up.

- Well, I'm glad I'm old.

I tell you, you call
this sexual liberation?

For a change of pace here,

why don't you go out with Bob?

- Bob?

- Hmm, he's crazy about you.

- He's certainly
dropped enough hints.

Like the time he came
in here and he said

he had two extra tickets for
the Barry Manilow concert.

- Well I took them, didn't I?

- You take advantage of Bob.

- I don't, Mom.

- Yes you do.
- Well at least,

I don't mean to.

He's just always around.

- If you don't want
him around, say so.

- But I do want him around.

He's the only guy
my age I can talk to.

He's not a threat.

He's there when you want him.

- Yeah, he's your
faithful cocker spaniel.

Run Bob, fetch Bob.

- Look, it wouldn't kill
you to go out with him.

- Okay, okay.

But what in the
world would we do?

- Take him to the park
and let him run free.

- I have an idea.

You both like rollerskating.

Now, that's very
Saturday afternoon-ish.

Call him.

- All right, I'll call him.

- My darling, you're
going to make a sweet boy

very, very happy.

- Hi, Bob?

Yeah, this is Barbara.

Of course I'm calling you.

You can hear my
voice, can't you?

Look, how'd you like to go
rollerskating this afternoon?

No, not alone silly, with me.

Well yeah, I guess
you could call it a date.

Well, any time you
want to come over.




- What'd he say?

- Nothing, I just
heard feet running

and a door slamming.


- Hi, Schneid.

- Schneid?

- Yeah well I figured,
since we're both

men of the world
now, you wouldn't mind.

- What are you talking about?

- I took the advice you gave me.

You know, you got
to have confidence

and the way to get confidence
is through experience.

I went out with
Wendy last night.

- Wendy who?

- I don't like to brag,
but another tree

has fallen in Oregon.

- Would you mind telling me
what you are talking about?

- I want to thank you
because it's really working.

The word's out now
that I really am macho.

Barbara just called
me up asking for a date.

Can you imagine that?

Man, you were right on.

You got to have the image.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, you want to buy a tuba?

Hi, Ms. Romano.

What's happening?

- Well Bob, Barbara's almost
ready and I'm going shopping.

- Well don't buy
any wooden girdles.

- Bob, you okay?

- I'm not just okay,
I am all together.

Haven't you heard?

- Barbara, Bob's here.

At least I think it's Bob.

- [Barbara] I'll be
out in a minute, okay?

- Uh huh.

Hey Bob, you have
a good time, okay?

♪ Ain't no other way to go


Excuse me, you're
acting a little strange.

You all right?

- Sure, my nasal
congestion's clearing up.


- That's my Bob.


♪ I'm in the mood for
love ♪ Scooby dooby

♪ Scooby dooby

♪ I'm in the mood
for love - Bob, hi.

- Oh hi, doll.

Like those threads.

Out of sight.

Well, let's get rolling.

We got the wheels.

- Right.

Could you get my coat please?

- You got it, babe.

You know, it's a good
thing you called me in time.

I had a big night.

I'm so tired I was
ready to crash.

- Big night, huh?

With who?

- Wendy.

You know Wendy.

- The student body?

- Yeah.

We went out to Makeout Point.

- I can't believe you
actually went out with Wendy.

I mean, everybody
knows about her.

- And you know something?

Everybody's right.

(doorbell rings)

- Excuse me.

♪ Scooby dooby ♪ Dooby doo

- Hi, Barbara.

- Hi, Roger.

- I just happened
to be driving through.

Thought you might
like to go for a little ride.

- I'm not interested.

But maybe you'd
like to go with Bob.

You both have
something in common.


- Hey there, lover boy.

- Hi, Rog.

- Wendy's been doing
a lot of talking about you

and your big date
up at Makeout Point.

- Yeah well, when
you got it, you got it.

Come on Barbara, you ready?

- Just a minute, lover boy.

This little girl ought
to know just what kind

of a make out artist you are.

Why don't you give
her the whole scam

on you and Wendy?

- I don't think
she'd be interested.

Come on, let's go.

- You want me to tell
her what happened?

- No Roger, maybe
I'm not interested, okay?

What happened, Bob?

- I can't tell you,
I'm a gentleman.

- She's old enough,
she can handle it.

Come on, tell her or I will.

Last night...

- All right, all right, I'll
tell you what happened.

We went up to Makeout Point.

I had a beer and I passed out.

That's what happened.

Nothing happened.

I'm sorry, Barbara.

I'd better go.

- No no, why don't
you stay, okay?

You go.

- Me?

- Yeah you, lover boy.

- Okay.

Your loss.

- I'll suffer.

- I want to leave, please.

- No no no, why don't you stay?

- What for?

- Because I want to
talk to you, come on.


Why did you really
go out with Wendy?

- Do I have to tell you?

- Hey.

I wish you would.

We're friends, aren't we?

- Well if you have to know,
the whole thing was for you.

- For me?

- You may not believe this Barb,

but I haven't had
any experience.

And last night certainly
didn't change anything.

I'm scared all the time.

You're so popular and glamorous.

I wanted to sound like I knew
something about the world.

- And you figure I do?

- Well Barbara, you
know a lot of guys.

- Okay, so I know a lot of guys.

So I go out a lot.

Bob, who cares?

I'm just as scared as you.

- You are?

- Yeah.

You know, this may sound crazy.

But I think I'm gonna
wait until I get married.

- You mean that?

- Yeah.

- Then I can wait too.

What a relief.

- You know, this
whole thing is insane.

When Mom was going to school,

they had to keep
it quiet if they did.

Now you have to
keep it quiet if you don't.

- Think we're the only two left?

- I doubt it.

Come on, I thought
we were going skating.

- Yeah.

- You know, today is
really gonna be a nice day.

- Yeah, the weather's beautiful.

- No, silly.

I mean being with you.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

Come on, let's go.


(upbeat music)

- [Ann Voiceover] One
Day At A Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

(upbeat music)

(soft jingle)