One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 24 - Ann, the Father - full transcript
Ann's advice to a friend of Barbara's leads to trouble between him and his father.
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- How's the homework coming?
Hey, have you
seen Mom's pink bra,
she's been looking
everywhere for it.
- No.
- Oh, well, then, forget it.
I'm gonna go
upstairs to Marcie's,
hey, hope you
didn't lose your place.
- Bye.
- Hey, listen, how would you
like to work on some chemistry?
- [Ann] Barbara, are
you wearing my pink bra?
- No, she isn't.
- Uh, excuse me.
- Julie just came in here...
- Yeah, yeah, uh-huh, I obviously
didn't know you were here.
Cliff, maybe I left it
down it the laundry,
I'll go see.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- How do you expect
me to concentrate
under these conditions?
We might as well be studying.
- Wait a second,
everybody's gone.
Don't give up now.
- No?
- No.
(doorbell ringing)
- Give up.
- Give up.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, Bob.
- I saw your mom in the hall.
I came over to talk to
her about something.
She said to wait in here.
- That figures.
- Hey, Cliff, what's happening?
- Nothing, man.
- I brought you
some chili peppers.
My uncle brought
'em up from Texas.
He says they put
hair on your chest.
Oh, I didn't mean
hair on your chest,
'cause you wouldn't
have hair there.
How's the
basketball team, Cliff?
- Oh, it's okay.
How's it going with the tuba?
- Well, I got this cold sore
and it hurts every
time I pucker.
But doesn't matter.
I may never play the
tuba again anyway.
- Why not, Bob?
- Well, last Friday
some joker hid my lunch.
And during the
game with Taft High,
I hit my big oom-pa-pa
and blew a Twinkie
clear across the court.
Oh, say, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
- You are.
- Oh, sorry, I, just go
ahead and do whatever
it was you were doing.
- Okay, if you say so.
- Cliff, um, we were
just doing our homework.
- That's right, homework.
- Homework.
- Right.
- Homework.
Say, you got a thread
there on your shirt.
- Huh?
- Oh, no, it's a hair.
Hey, it's too long
to be one of yours.
Must be one of.
Guess I was
interrupting something.
- Smart, Bob, smart.
- Hey, it's okay, I understand.
Barbara and I have
this modern relationship.
She can go out with
anybody she wants to
and she says I can, too.
See, so you got
nothing to worry about.
- Hey, listen, do you
wanna go to a movie?
- Oh, no, thanks, I really need,
I really gotta stay and
talk to Ms. Romano.
- I found it.
- How did she lose it?
- Ah, Mom, we're
gonna go see a movie.
- Oh, okay, hey, be home early.
- Okay.
- Hey, listen, do you wanna
go see "Murder in the Sky?"
- Oh, you'll love it.
You know, I never
suspected the copilot.
- Bye, Bob.
Bye, Ma.
- Bye.
Well, so, Bob, what'd you
wanna talk to me about?
- Ms. Romano, I
have this problem.
I don't have any
big goals in life.
- That's not unusual
in high school.
- Trouble is, I don't
have any ambition.
I mean, my sister
said when I was born,
the doctor slapped
the wrong end.
- I don't think you have to know
what your life's
work is gonna be yet.
- My dad thinks I do.
Do you know what
it costs to feed me?
$28.19 a week.
- He told you that?
- Well, my sister did.
She did an article
for the school paper.
"My Brother the Disposal."
- How would you like to
dispose of some cookies?
- Well, don't mind if I do.
- Okay, terrific.
You grab the cookies
and I will get some milk.
- Thanks, Ms. Romano.
- Uh-huh.
- You know, there is
something I'd really like to do,
but it's not very practical.
- Oh, what is that?
- I wanna be a forest ranger.
- Oh, Bob.
- I mean, out there with
all the trees and squirrels,
I mean, that's me.
- Bob, I think that that.
- I love the outdoors and
I'm good with animals,
and I could entertain at
campfires with my tuba.
- Right.
(imitates tuba)
- I knew you'd make fun of it.
- No, no, I'm not
making fun of it.
I think it's a terrific idea.
- You do?
- Sure, there's
absolutely nothing wrong
with being a forest ranger.
- Well, you don't
make big money,
and I may never own my own home
or send my kids to college.
Then again, I
wouldn't have any kids,
'cause nobody'd want to
marry me in the first place.
- That's silly.
- Well, would you marry me?
- Bob, this is so sudden.
I hardly know you.
- Aw, I didn't mean that.
I mean, I would never
ask you, you're nice,
but you're too old.
(laughing)
- Oh, Bob, I'm just kidding.
You're blushing.
- I always blush.
I hate it.
My sister puts on a raincoat
and comes into my room
and flashes me
just to see me blush.
- Bob, money isn't the
only measure of success.
It's just as important to
love what you're doing.
- Well, maybe I should think
about becoming a lawyer,
just in case happiness
isn't everything.
- Okay, let's see that's
four years of college,
three years in law school,
10 years to get a good
practice going, and then
if you're very successful,
you can take off two
weeks every summer,
and go to the forest.
- Ms. Romano, I
sure like talking to you.
You make me feel better.
- I'm glad.
- I mean, I feel I could
just tell you anything
and it'd be all right.
I have these urges.
I mean, there's this
majorette in my band
and when she
does those twirls...
- Bob, let's, let's stick to
one subject at a time, okay?
Forest ranging.
Good subject.
If you wanna be a forest
ranger, you go for it.
- You're right.
It's my life and
I'm going for it.
I'm gonna go home
and tell my dad
that you said I oughta
be a forest ranger.
- Uh, Bob.
- And he can take his
plans for Harvard Law School
and stuff 'em.
- Bob, Bob, wait.
Oh my god.
- Thanks for the movie, Cliff.
- Hi.
- Don't look now,
but I think you just lost
the rest of your band.
You live in a fun house, kid.
- Oh, Bob, what
are you doing here?
- I left home.
- Bob, why?
- Well, I went home
and told my dad
you said I oughta be a
forest ranger and he blew up.
So I left.
- Bob, you just can't run
off because your father
says something you don't like.
- Well, what did he say?
- Oh, I couldn't repeat
that in front of you, Barbara.
Maybe Julie.
Ms. Romano, could I
please spend the night?
I mean I've only got $1.50,
and I'd go to the Salvation
Army, but I don't drink.
- Bob, you're welcome
to stay here, of course,
but it's just gonna
make it a lot more difficult
when you go home and
make up with your dad.
- I don't wanna make up.
- Sure you do.
I think that you oughta
call your dad right now
and tell him you're
gonna come home
and talk the whole thing over.
- Well, okay.
I really don't wanna do this.
- But you know she's right.
- Don't give up, Bob.
- Julie.
- Hello, Dad?
This is me.
Bob.
Hey, Dad, Ms. Romano
wants to talk to you.
- No, Bob, I, uh,
hello, Mr. Morton,
hi, how are you, um,
no, I didn't say that Bob,
well, I, some advice, maybe.
Mr. Morton, no, I don't
want to be his parent,
Mr. Mo...
Mr. M...
Mr. Morton?
- What did he say?
- He said, you asked
for him, you got him.
- Mom.
- Hi.
- What are you
doing up so early?
- Oh, I was worried about Bob.
I couldn't sleep.
- Yeah, me neither.
- Obviously he doesn't
have that problem.
- Actually I had
this dream, see,
well, Bob tiptoes into my room
and he sits on
the side of my bed
and he takes my
face in his hands
and asks for my help
with his geometry.
- Oh, it's been a long time
since we've had a man
sleeping in the house.
(snoring)
I'd forgotten how
noisy they are.
I have have a mind to wake
him up and send him home.
- It's six o'clock
in the morning.
- I know, I know.
- If he goes home now
it'll be like giving up.
- Barbara, I just
hate being caught
in the middle
on this thing, I...
- Shh, come on (whistling)
Oh, the kettle.
- Hands up, reach for the sky.
Hit the deck, hit the deck.
Hey, come on,
up against the wall.
Lean across that funder
I got a total real gun here,
like a big gun.
- Your gun has
a fingernail on it.
- Ah.
What was all that noise.
- It's okay, it's okay,
this just fell down.
Help me with it, will ya?
- What do you wanna
do, play a duet?
(grunting)
- Schneider, what are you
doing up this early anyway?
- Well, I, you
know, I like to get up
in the morning early
and have a little breakfast
and read the paper.
- On the fourth floor?
- Well, it was your paper.
How long you been
playing the tuba?
- Oh, it's his.
- Whose?
- Bob's.
- Bob's?
What is he, dead?
- It's possible.
- He had a fight with
his father and left home.
- Good, he's finally
getting some guts.
- His dad wants him
to be a lawyer, but...
- Whoa, I know that scene.
Ha ha ha.
My old man, he always
wanted me to be a dentist.
If I'd listened to him, I
never'd be where I am today.
- Wake up, Bob.
- Oh, Mom, no, come on.
- No, we've gotta go home.
Wake up, come on, Bob, wake up.
Rip van Winkle,
your 20 years are up.
Hi, hi.
- Good morning.
- What is going on out here?
- We're sending Bob home.
- You are?
- Oh, Mom, that's not fair.
- He's a big kid, he
can take care of himself.
- She's right, Ms. Romano.
Sooner or later, every kid's
gotta cut that biblical cord.
- That's really
sweet, Schneider.
- It's charming.
- Ms. Romano, uh.
The most important bond
between a father
and his son is respect.
Bob goes crawling home now
his father's gonna
run his life forever
and hate himself for doing it.
I'm only thinking
of both of 'em.
- So am I.
Go home, Bob.
- Bob, eh.
Now, Ms. Romano, I realize
that you have good intentions,
but you see, you don't
understand male gender kids.
Watch.
Well, young boy, now
what kinda work is it
that you're aspiring to?
- I wanna be a forest ranger.
- Forest ranger,
yes, that's wonderful.
I mean, it's healthy,
outdoors, fresh air,
they make good money.
I know a ranger that picks
up an extra three grand
a year bootlegging
Christmas years.
- Go home, Bob.
- Bob, have you ever
thought about working
with your hands.
- Yeah, I would.
- Uh-huh, have you
ever thought maybe
you might wanna be a plumber?
- Go home, Bob.
- Yeah, I am serious.
You don't wanna be a lawyer,
forget about being a lawyer.
A lawyer you work with
pickpockets and muggers
and conmen and thieves.
After that it's all
downhill into politics.
- Go home, Schneider.
- All right.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Goodbye.
- I'm going.
- All right.
- I'm going.
- Goodbye.
- I'm going.
- Goodbye.
- But, before I do, you
remember what I said.
If you're thinking
of job security,
you think about being a plumber.
War time, peace time,
good time, bad time.
People always
gotta go to the john.
(clapping)
- Bob, your folks are
gonna be worried about you.
- I don't want 'em to worry.
Maybe I oughta go home.
Besides, I can't sleep
anyplace except my own bed.
- Uh, Bob, you can
change in the bathroom.
- Oh, is there a
lock on the door?
- Ah, don't worry, Bob,
Barbara's all necked out.
- Julie.
- If you hear the water go
on, I'll be washing my face.
- Mom, did you
have to kick him out?
- Oh, I'm a cruel,
heartless, terrible, hum...
Girls, look, it's
still dark outside.
Why don't you go
back to bed, huh?
- It's not a bad idea.
- That's a good idea.
I think I should do that.
(doorbell rings)
- Yes?
- Ms. Romano.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh.
Well, I'm Charles
Morton, Bob's father.
- Oh, just a minute.
Come on in.
- I realize it's a
little early, but,
well, you don't look the
way I thought you would.
I pictured you more like
that woman on
television, that Maude.
- I'm shorter.
Look, for your information,
I'm sending Bob home.
He's getting dressed now.
- Well, you sound like
you got a little sense.
- I didn't ask Bob to come here.
It was his own idea.
- And I didn't ask
you to butt into my life.
I had my son that close
to going to law school.
Spends 10 minutes with you,
he wants to be Smokey the Bear.
- I didn't realize it was
a bone of contention.
- Okay, okay, doesn't matter.
Seems for some reason, you
can communicate with my son
and I can't.
- Well, see...
- I don't know why he
can't communicate
with his own father.
God knows I try.
- I feel...
- Spend hours talking to him
I talk my head off,
I get nothing back.
No wonder he
gets along with you.
You're as quiet as he is.
- I think Bob should be able
to make his own choices.
- Barbara.
- I'm sorry, I was listening.
- This is Barbara?
- Yeah.
- My kid needs glasses.
I don't think you look
like Farrah Fawcett.
- Really, Bob said that?
- Um, Mr. Morton, look.
- Now, don't start
on me, Ms. Romano.
My wife's been
screaming at me all night.
The neighbors have been
screaming at both of us.
Only one who understands
me is Bob's sweet little sister.
- Mr. Morton, I don't want
to interfere in family affairs.
- But.
- But, I really think you
oughta give Bob a chance.
Listen to him.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll listen.
- Good.
- You know, Ms. Romano,
I never thought about
becoming a plumber, but...
- A plumber?
- Dad.
- You said you'd listen to him.
- I listened.
What I heard was plumber.
What are you doing
to my kid over here?
- Dad, I didn't say I wanted
to become a plumber,
I was just thinking about it.
I mean, it might come in
handy to know someday.
When I'm a forest ranger.
- Of course, you can be
in charge of outhouses.
- If Bob did wanna be a plumber,
what's really wrong with that?
- Barbara, would you stay...
- Oh, nothing, plumbers
are beautiful, but would
you wanna marry one?
- Sure I would.
- Oh, Barbara, I'm not
ready for a commitment yet.
- Bob, why don't you
go home with your dad
and talk this whole
thing out, huh?
- We have talked
this whole thing out,
and he's gonna become a lawyer,
or if he's so big on plumbing,
he can become a doctor.
Wouldn't you like to marry
a doctor or a lawyer instead?
- No.
- Barbara, don't be hasty.
- Ms. Romano, you're
beginning to sound
like a very sensible woman.
And since my son,
Bob, is more interested
in listening to you
than to his own father,
would you mind
explaining to him that there's
nothing wrong with a
little financial security?
- Ms. Romano, tell
him that a ranger
starts at around 11,000 a year.
- And I make 40,000,
of which he eats 30,
and I can't save a dime.
- I don't wanna
tell him anything.
- Money, that's all I
hear from him is money.
What's so important about money?
- Nothing, because
he's living on mine.
- Tell him that.
- He doesn't have to tell me.
I know what he's gonna say next.
Bob wasn't raised
in the Depression.
He's never been hungry.
He's always had everything.
Well, I can't help it if I've
always had everything.
- Tell him.
- The only reason he's
always had everything
is because I worked
my butt off to get it.
And not by feeding
nuts to squirrels.
It's called responsibility.
- Has he mentioned one
word about happiness
or doing something worthwhile?
- Doesn't he think doctors
and lawyers do
something worthwhile?
- Tell him.
- How 'bout doing
something I care about?
- Well, like helping animals.
- Tell him.
- Him?
Him.
Well, like helping animals.
- Well, let's not hear it for
the bears and the raccoons
and the Himalayan snow moose.
- Leopard.
- Leopard, whatever.
Before you know it, they'll
all be on welfare anyway.
- Along with me, that's the
next thing he's gonna say.
- Oh, forget it, forget it,
go hide in the
forest with Bigfoot.
Probably some other kid
that didn't listen to his father.
Kid wants to be a forest ranger,
he's allergic to pine needles.
- Not pine needles,
it's rabbit fur.
And you don't have to worry,
'cause they don't have any
rabbits up at Harvard Law School.
- Bob, don't give in.
- Why not, I have
nothing to say about it.
- Hold it.
- Now, wait a minute,
who asked you to butt in?
- I have never heard
so much talking
and so little listening.
Now, Mr. Morton...
- Oh, boy.
Here it comes, I knew
you couldn't keep out of it.
- Wrong.
It's the crack of
dawn, I am tired,
and I'm going to bed.
- Oh.
- And I'm going with her.
- Okay, Mr. Morton, would
you sit down a minute, please?
Just a minute, it won't
take very long, honestly,
I just wanna talk
to you, please.
Thank you.
Now I've got two daughters,
so a lot of boys pass
through that door,
and I want you to
know that your son
is someone very special.
He's sensitive and
thoughtful and intelligent.
- Boy, I wish my
sister could hear that.
- I never...
- Ah.
He wants to make a living
doing what he wants to do.
Isn't that better
than making a living
just to stay alive?
- You hear what
she's saying, Dad?
- I'd be proud to
have him as a son.
- So would I.
- Mr. Morton, the
world has changed a lot
since we were growing up.
Your kid wants to
feel good about his life.
I think that's terrific.
- Did you hear that, Dad?
That's what I've
been trying to tell him,
but he's too stubborn to listen.
- Don't talk about
your father like that.
- Ms. Romano.
- Who do you think
gave you the opportunity
to even look for what
you want in your life?
If your father hadn't
worked his butt off,
you wouldn't be standing
here now, making choices.
- But all he thinks about is...
- I know what he
thinks about, Bob.
He thinks about you.
He wants to give you all
the things he didn't have.
- You hear what
she's saying, Bob?
- Maybe we try too hard.
I think it comes
with the territory.
Like it or not, Bob, you
are stuck with a father
who loves you.
- I just want what's
best for you, Bob,
but you gotta listen to me.
- Well, you gotta
listen to me, too.
- Okay.
I'll listen, I'll listen.
- Maybe we can work
something out then.
- I wonder if there's such
a thing as a forest lawyer.
(clapping)
(upbeat music)
- [Ann] One Day at a Time
was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- How's the homework coming?
Hey, have you
seen Mom's pink bra,
she's been looking
everywhere for it.
- No.
- Oh, well, then, forget it.
I'm gonna go
upstairs to Marcie's,
hey, hope you
didn't lose your place.
- Bye.
- Hey, listen, how would you
like to work on some chemistry?
- [Ann] Barbara, are
you wearing my pink bra?
- No, she isn't.
- Uh, excuse me.
- Julie just came in here...
- Yeah, yeah, uh-huh, I obviously
didn't know you were here.
Cliff, maybe I left it
down it the laundry,
I'll go see.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- How do you expect
me to concentrate
under these conditions?
We might as well be studying.
- Wait a second,
everybody's gone.
Don't give up now.
- No?
- No.
(doorbell ringing)
- Give up.
- Give up.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, Bob.
- I saw your mom in the hall.
I came over to talk to
her about something.
She said to wait in here.
- That figures.
- Hey, Cliff, what's happening?
- Nothing, man.
- I brought you
some chili peppers.
My uncle brought
'em up from Texas.
He says they put
hair on your chest.
Oh, I didn't mean
hair on your chest,
'cause you wouldn't
have hair there.
How's the
basketball team, Cliff?
- Oh, it's okay.
How's it going with the tuba?
- Well, I got this cold sore
and it hurts every
time I pucker.
But doesn't matter.
I may never play the
tuba again anyway.
- Why not, Bob?
- Well, last Friday
some joker hid my lunch.
And during the
game with Taft High,
I hit my big oom-pa-pa
and blew a Twinkie
clear across the court.
Oh, say, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
- You are.
- Oh, sorry, I, just go
ahead and do whatever
it was you were doing.
- Okay, if you say so.
- Cliff, um, we were
just doing our homework.
- That's right, homework.
- Homework.
- Right.
- Homework.
Say, you got a thread
there on your shirt.
- Huh?
- Oh, no, it's a hair.
Hey, it's too long
to be one of yours.
Must be one of.
Guess I was
interrupting something.
- Smart, Bob, smart.
- Hey, it's okay, I understand.
Barbara and I have
this modern relationship.
She can go out with
anybody she wants to
and she says I can, too.
See, so you got
nothing to worry about.
- Hey, listen, do you
wanna go to a movie?
- Oh, no, thanks, I really need,
I really gotta stay and
talk to Ms. Romano.
- I found it.
- How did she lose it?
- Ah, Mom, we're
gonna go see a movie.
- Oh, okay, hey, be home early.
- Okay.
- Hey, listen, do you wanna
go see "Murder in the Sky?"
- Oh, you'll love it.
You know, I never
suspected the copilot.
- Bye, Bob.
Bye, Ma.
- Bye.
Well, so, Bob, what'd you
wanna talk to me about?
- Ms. Romano, I
have this problem.
I don't have any
big goals in life.
- That's not unusual
in high school.
- Trouble is, I don't
have any ambition.
I mean, my sister
said when I was born,
the doctor slapped
the wrong end.
- I don't think you have to know
what your life's
work is gonna be yet.
- My dad thinks I do.
Do you know what
it costs to feed me?
$28.19 a week.
- He told you that?
- Well, my sister did.
She did an article
for the school paper.
"My Brother the Disposal."
- How would you like to
dispose of some cookies?
- Well, don't mind if I do.
- Okay, terrific.
You grab the cookies
and I will get some milk.
- Thanks, Ms. Romano.
- Uh-huh.
- You know, there is
something I'd really like to do,
but it's not very practical.
- Oh, what is that?
- I wanna be a forest ranger.
- Oh, Bob.
- I mean, out there with
all the trees and squirrels,
I mean, that's me.
- Bob, I think that that.
- I love the outdoors and
I'm good with animals,
and I could entertain at
campfires with my tuba.
- Right.
(imitates tuba)
- I knew you'd make fun of it.
- No, no, I'm not
making fun of it.
I think it's a terrific idea.
- You do?
- Sure, there's
absolutely nothing wrong
with being a forest ranger.
- Well, you don't
make big money,
and I may never own my own home
or send my kids to college.
Then again, I
wouldn't have any kids,
'cause nobody'd want to
marry me in the first place.
- That's silly.
- Well, would you marry me?
- Bob, this is so sudden.
I hardly know you.
- Aw, I didn't mean that.
I mean, I would never
ask you, you're nice,
but you're too old.
(laughing)
- Oh, Bob, I'm just kidding.
You're blushing.
- I always blush.
I hate it.
My sister puts on a raincoat
and comes into my room
and flashes me
just to see me blush.
- Bob, money isn't the
only measure of success.
It's just as important to
love what you're doing.
- Well, maybe I should think
about becoming a lawyer,
just in case happiness
isn't everything.
- Okay, let's see that's
four years of college,
three years in law school,
10 years to get a good
practice going, and then
if you're very successful,
you can take off two
weeks every summer,
and go to the forest.
- Ms. Romano, I
sure like talking to you.
You make me feel better.
- I'm glad.
- I mean, I feel I could
just tell you anything
and it'd be all right.
I have these urges.
I mean, there's this
majorette in my band
and when she
does those twirls...
- Bob, let's, let's stick to
one subject at a time, okay?
Forest ranging.
Good subject.
If you wanna be a forest
ranger, you go for it.
- You're right.
It's my life and
I'm going for it.
I'm gonna go home
and tell my dad
that you said I oughta
be a forest ranger.
- Uh, Bob.
- And he can take his
plans for Harvard Law School
and stuff 'em.
- Bob, Bob, wait.
Oh my god.
- Thanks for the movie, Cliff.
- Hi.
- Don't look now,
but I think you just lost
the rest of your band.
You live in a fun house, kid.
- Oh, Bob, what
are you doing here?
- I left home.
- Bob, why?
- Well, I went home
and told my dad
you said I oughta be a
forest ranger and he blew up.
So I left.
- Bob, you just can't run
off because your father
says something you don't like.
- Well, what did he say?
- Oh, I couldn't repeat
that in front of you, Barbara.
Maybe Julie.
Ms. Romano, could I
please spend the night?
I mean I've only got $1.50,
and I'd go to the Salvation
Army, but I don't drink.
- Bob, you're welcome
to stay here, of course,
but it's just gonna
make it a lot more difficult
when you go home and
make up with your dad.
- I don't wanna make up.
- Sure you do.
I think that you oughta
call your dad right now
and tell him you're
gonna come home
and talk the whole thing over.
- Well, okay.
I really don't wanna do this.
- But you know she's right.
- Don't give up, Bob.
- Julie.
- Hello, Dad?
This is me.
Bob.
Hey, Dad, Ms. Romano
wants to talk to you.
- No, Bob, I, uh,
hello, Mr. Morton,
hi, how are you, um,
no, I didn't say that Bob,
well, I, some advice, maybe.
Mr. Morton, no, I don't
want to be his parent,
Mr. Mo...
Mr. M...
Mr. Morton?
- What did he say?
- He said, you asked
for him, you got him.
- Mom.
- Hi.
- What are you
doing up so early?
- Oh, I was worried about Bob.
I couldn't sleep.
- Yeah, me neither.
- Obviously he doesn't
have that problem.
- Actually I had
this dream, see,
well, Bob tiptoes into my room
and he sits on
the side of my bed
and he takes my
face in his hands
and asks for my help
with his geometry.
- Oh, it's been a long time
since we've had a man
sleeping in the house.
(snoring)
I'd forgotten how
noisy they are.
I have have a mind to wake
him up and send him home.
- It's six o'clock
in the morning.
- I know, I know.
- If he goes home now
it'll be like giving up.
- Barbara, I just
hate being caught
in the middle
on this thing, I...
- Shh, come on (whistling)
Oh, the kettle.
- Hands up, reach for the sky.
Hit the deck, hit the deck.
Hey, come on,
up against the wall.
Lean across that funder
I got a total real gun here,
like a big gun.
- Your gun has
a fingernail on it.
- Ah.
What was all that noise.
- It's okay, it's okay,
this just fell down.
Help me with it, will ya?
- What do you wanna
do, play a duet?
(grunting)
- Schneider, what are you
doing up this early anyway?
- Well, I, you
know, I like to get up
in the morning early
and have a little breakfast
and read the paper.
- On the fourth floor?
- Well, it was your paper.
How long you been
playing the tuba?
- Oh, it's his.
- Whose?
- Bob's.
- Bob's?
What is he, dead?
- It's possible.
- He had a fight with
his father and left home.
- Good, he's finally
getting some guts.
- His dad wants him
to be a lawyer, but...
- Whoa, I know that scene.
Ha ha ha.
My old man, he always
wanted me to be a dentist.
If I'd listened to him, I
never'd be where I am today.
- Wake up, Bob.
- Oh, Mom, no, come on.
- No, we've gotta go home.
Wake up, come on, Bob, wake up.
Rip van Winkle,
your 20 years are up.
Hi, hi.
- Good morning.
- What is going on out here?
- We're sending Bob home.
- You are?
- Oh, Mom, that's not fair.
- He's a big kid, he
can take care of himself.
- She's right, Ms. Romano.
Sooner or later, every kid's
gotta cut that biblical cord.
- That's really
sweet, Schneider.
- It's charming.
- Ms. Romano, uh.
The most important bond
between a father
and his son is respect.
Bob goes crawling home now
his father's gonna
run his life forever
and hate himself for doing it.
I'm only thinking
of both of 'em.
- So am I.
Go home, Bob.
- Bob, eh.
Now, Ms. Romano, I realize
that you have good intentions,
but you see, you don't
understand male gender kids.
Watch.
Well, young boy, now
what kinda work is it
that you're aspiring to?
- I wanna be a forest ranger.
- Forest ranger,
yes, that's wonderful.
I mean, it's healthy,
outdoors, fresh air,
they make good money.
I know a ranger that picks
up an extra three grand
a year bootlegging
Christmas years.
- Go home, Bob.
- Bob, have you ever
thought about working
with your hands.
- Yeah, I would.
- Uh-huh, have you
ever thought maybe
you might wanna be a plumber?
- Go home, Bob.
- Yeah, I am serious.
You don't wanna be a lawyer,
forget about being a lawyer.
A lawyer you work with
pickpockets and muggers
and conmen and thieves.
After that it's all
downhill into politics.
- Go home, Schneider.
- All right.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Goodbye.
- I'm going.
- All right.
- I'm going.
- Goodbye.
- I'm going.
- Goodbye.
- But, before I do, you
remember what I said.
If you're thinking
of job security,
you think about being a plumber.
War time, peace time,
good time, bad time.
People always
gotta go to the john.
(clapping)
- Bob, your folks are
gonna be worried about you.
- I don't want 'em to worry.
Maybe I oughta go home.
Besides, I can't sleep
anyplace except my own bed.
- Uh, Bob, you can
change in the bathroom.
- Oh, is there a
lock on the door?
- Ah, don't worry, Bob,
Barbara's all necked out.
- Julie.
- If you hear the water go
on, I'll be washing my face.
- Mom, did you
have to kick him out?
- Oh, I'm a cruel,
heartless, terrible, hum...
Girls, look, it's
still dark outside.
Why don't you go
back to bed, huh?
- It's not a bad idea.
- That's a good idea.
I think I should do that.
(doorbell rings)
- Yes?
- Ms. Romano.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh.
Well, I'm Charles
Morton, Bob's father.
- Oh, just a minute.
Come on in.
- I realize it's a
little early, but,
well, you don't look the
way I thought you would.
I pictured you more like
that woman on
television, that Maude.
- I'm shorter.
Look, for your information,
I'm sending Bob home.
He's getting dressed now.
- Well, you sound like
you got a little sense.
- I didn't ask Bob to come here.
It was his own idea.
- And I didn't ask
you to butt into my life.
I had my son that close
to going to law school.
Spends 10 minutes with you,
he wants to be Smokey the Bear.
- I didn't realize it was
a bone of contention.
- Okay, okay, doesn't matter.
Seems for some reason, you
can communicate with my son
and I can't.
- Well, see...
- I don't know why he
can't communicate
with his own father.
God knows I try.
- I feel...
- Spend hours talking to him
I talk my head off,
I get nothing back.
No wonder he
gets along with you.
You're as quiet as he is.
- I think Bob should be able
to make his own choices.
- Barbara.
- I'm sorry, I was listening.
- This is Barbara?
- Yeah.
- My kid needs glasses.
I don't think you look
like Farrah Fawcett.
- Really, Bob said that?
- Um, Mr. Morton, look.
- Now, don't start
on me, Ms. Romano.
My wife's been
screaming at me all night.
The neighbors have been
screaming at both of us.
Only one who understands
me is Bob's sweet little sister.
- Mr. Morton, I don't want
to interfere in family affairs.
- But.
- But, I really think you
oughta give Bob a chance.
Listen to him.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll listen.
- Good.
- You know, Ms. Romano,
I never thought about
becoming a plumber, but...
- A plumber?
- Dad.
- You said you'd listen to him.
- I listened.
What I heard was plumber.
What are you doing
to my kid over here?
- Dad, I didn't say I wanted
to become a plumber,
I was just thinking about it.
I mean, it might come in
handy to know someday.
When I'm a forest ranger.
- Of course, you can be
in charge of outhouses.
- If Bob did wanna be a plumber,
what's really wrong with that?
- Barbara, would you stay...
- Oh, nothing, plumbers
are beautiful, but would
you wanna marry one?
- Sure I would.
- Oh, Barbara, I'm not
ready for a commitment yet.
- Bob, why don't you
go home with your dad
and talk this whole
thing out, huh?
- We have talked
this whole thing out,
and he's gonna become a lawyer,
or if he's so big on plumbing,
he can become a doctor.
Wouldn't you like to marry
a doctor or a lawyer instead?
- No.
- Barbara, don't be hasty.
- Ms. Romano, you're
beginning to sound
like a very sensible woman.
And since my son,
Bob, is more interested
in listening to you
than to his own father,
would you mind
explaining to him that there's
nothing wrong with a
little financial security?
- Ms. Romano, tell
him that a ranger
starts at around 11,000 a year.
- And I make 40,000,
of which he eats 30,
and I can't save a dime.
- I don't wanna
tell him anything.
- Money, that's all I
hear from him is money.
What's so important about money?
- Nothing, because
he's living on mine.
- Tell him that.
- He doesn't have to tell me.
I know what he's gonna say next.
Bob wasn't raised
in the Depression.
He's never been hungry.
He's always had everything.
Well, I can't help it if I've
always had everything.
- Tell him.
- The only reason he's
always had everything
is because I worked
my butt off to get it.
And not by feeding
nuts to squirrels.
It's called responsibility.
- Has he mentioned one
word about happiness
or doing something worthwhile?
- Doesn't he think doctors
and lawyers do
something worthwhile?
- Tell him.
- How 'bout doing
something I care about?
- Well, like helping animals.
- Tell him.
- Him?
Him.
Well, like helping animals.
- Well, let's not hear it for
the bears and the raccoons
and the Himalayan snow moose.
- Leopard.
- Leopard, whatever.
Before you know it, they'll
all be on welfare anyway.
- Along with me, that's the
next thing he's gonna say.
- Oh, forget it, forget it,
go hide in the
forest with Bigfoot.
Probably some other kid
that didn't listen to his father.
Kid wants to be a forest ranger,
he's allergic to pine needles.
- Not pine needles,
it's rabbit fur.
And you don't have to worry,
'cause they don't have any
rabbits up at Harvard Law School.
- Bob, don't give in.
- Why not, I have
nothing to say about it.
- Hold it.
- Now, wait a minute,
who asked you to butt in?
- I have never heard
so much talking
and so little listening.
Now, Mr. Morton...
- Oh, boy.
Here it comes, I knew
you couldn't keep out of it.
- Wrong.
It's the crack of
dawn, I am tired,
and I'm going to bed.
- Oh.
- And I'm going with her.
- Okay, Mr. Morton, would
you sit down a minute, please?
Just a minute, it won't
take very long, honestly,
I just wanna talk
to you, please.
Thank you.
Now I've got two daughters,
so a lot of boys pass
through that door,
and I want you to
know that your son
is someone very special.
He's sensitive and
thoughtful and intelligent.
- Boy, I wish my
sister could hear that.
- I never...
- Ah.
He wants to make a living
doing what he wants to do.
Isn't that better
than making a living
just to stay alive?
- You hear what
she's saying, Dad?
- I'd be proud to
have him as a son.
- So would I.
- Mr. Morton, the
world has changed a lot
since we were growing up.
Your kid wants to
feel good about his life.
I think that's terrific.
- Did you hear that, Dad?
That's what I've
been trying to tell him,
but he's too stubborn to listen.
- Don't talk about
your father like that.
- Ms. Romano.
- Who do you think
gave you the opportunity
to even look for what
you want in your life?
If your father hadn't
worked his butt off,
you wouldn't be standing
here now, making choices.
- But all he thinks about is...
- I know what he
thinks about, Bob.
He thinks about you.
He wants to give you all
the things he didn't have.
- You hear what
she's saying, Bob?
- Maybe we try too hard.
I think it comes
with the territory.
Like it or not, Bob, you
are stuck with a father
who loves you.
- I just want what's
best for you, Bob,
but you gotta listen to me.
- Well, you gotta
listen to me, too.
- Okay.
I'll listen, I'll listen.
- Maybe we can work
something out then.
- I wonder if there's such
a thing as a forest lawyer.
(clapping)
(upbeat music)
- [Ann] One Day at a Time
was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.