Oh Doctor Beeching! (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 9 - A Pregnant Pause - full transcript

As Jack and May prepare to celebrate their wedding anniversary a tearful May suspects that she might be pregnant. Jack is not pleased. Arnold the train driver, having had an accident learning to drive the new diesel engines, fears that he will be made redundant and the staff, including Cecil, organize a petition as Arnold chains himself to the front of his engine. Fortunately news of his redundancy, like May's pregnancy, turns out to be a false alarm.

Hey, Jack! I've got 'em!

- Hey?
- Your tickets.

- I managed to get 'em for ya!
- Shh! It's supposed to be a surprise!

Keep your voice down!
I'll be up in a minute!

Oh. Oh, right.

What you doing here?
You're supposed to be working.

In a minute. I'm busy.

What on earth have you done
to your bike?

It's dead trendy. All the mods have got
mirrors on the front of their scooters.

- But this isn't a scooter.
- I know.

But it'll have to do until I get one.
Then I can go to Brighton.

Brighton? That's a heck of a way
to push a scooter.

Not that sort of scooter.

A motor scooter.
All the mods have got 'em.

- But you're not a mod, Wilfred.
- Not now, maybe.

But soon. All I need is me pork pie hat,
me parka and a pair of Hush Puppies.

Can't you make do with an anorak,
plimsolls and your bobble hat?

Mum, I'd look stupid.

I'm saying nothing.

- Now what you doing?
- Adding the finishing touch.

- An engine?
- No.

I'm fixing a tiger tail to me aerial.

It's not a real one, of course.
It's off me Davy Crockett hat.

You daft beggar.

Oh, heck. Where'd it go?
Did you see where it landed?

No, I didn't. Now stop messing about
and get on with your work.

Vroom, vroom. Aaaaah!

Oh, 'eck!


(Phone rings)

Hatley Station. Station master's office.

Oh, yes, good morning, Mr Orkindale.


Oh, yes? Mm-hm.

Really? Why, what happened?

Oh, I see. Yes. Yes, I understand.

Well, Arnold and Ralph are due to change shift
at (Hiccups) 11 .05. I'm sorry, Mr Orkindale.

Touch of tummy trouble.

Yes. Oh, yes, of course. Yes.

Friday, 10am.

Yes, of course. Yes, I'll make sure
he knows. Thank you. Goodbye.

- Good morning, Harry.
- Morning, Vera.

I've brought you some Bramleys
off of my tree.

- Oh, ta.
- Anything interesting in the paper?

Oh, no, no. Nothing, really, no.


So what are you so engrossed in?

Oh, my goodness! Just look at her!

She's got her dress on backwards!

And all her frontages is exposed.

It's the latest Paris fashion, innit?
It's called the topless look.

Yeah, it's all the rage in France.

Well, what do you expect of a country
that eats frogs and snails?

You wouldn't catch me wearing that.

Thank Gawd for that.

- How do?
- Jack, what do you make of that, mate?


Honestly! Haven't you men
got anything better to do

than to stand there oglishing?

- Not at the moment, no.
- Neither have I.

Well, I think
it's completely phonographic.

- You got my tickets, then?
- Yes, I've got your tickets, yes.

I had to pull a few strings
to get these an' all, I can tell you.

"Oliver in its third great year,

at the New Theatre, 8th August."

Thanks, Harry. May will be pleased.

It's our anniversary and I thought
I'd do something special for her.

- Money no object.
- They're 30 bob.

30 bob? Right.


It says 15 shillings on the ticket.

- Who did you buy 'em off, Fagin?
- Haven't you heard of booking charges?

Booking charges?
It's more like daylight robbery. Here.

- (Bell rings)
- Oh, the bells! The bells!

You know, I swear that son of mine
gets dafter by the minute.

He wants to be a mod
and get a motor scooter.

I've only just taken the stabilisers
off his bike.

Kids! Who'd have 'em?



I'm sorry, May.
Did you never have a bike of your own?

- It's not that, Ethel.
- Well, what, then?

- I'm late.
- Don't worry. I'll help you catch up.

You do the sugar
and I'll butter some bread.

No, I don't mean that.
I don't mean I'm late.

I mean...

...I'm late, you know.

Oh, you're late!

Oh! You mean you might be up the...

in the...

Well, that's good news, in't it?


Or not. Come on.
Come on. Come and sit down.

- So when did you find out?
- Well, I don't know for sure.

I'm seeing Dr Willis tomorrow
for the results of me test.

- What's Jack said?
- He doesn't know yet.

- And you mustn't tell him.
- Oh, I won't. Scout's honour.

- I mean it. You mustn't tell anyone.
- You don't have to worry about me.

I'll keep mum.

You know me. I'm the soul
of indiscretion. Ask anybody.

Hello, Mrs Skinner?
Is there anybody serving?

- Hey-up, it's Parkin.
- And look at the state of me.

It's all right. I'll deal with him.
Don't worry.

What are you doing in here,
Mrs Schumann?

I'm just standing in for Mrs Skinner.

- Why?
- Why what?

Why are you standing in for Mrs Skinner?

It's not what you think.

- I wasn't thinking anything.
- Oh, good. So can I get you anything?

Not really, no.
I'm just looking for a tablespoon.

There you are. Bye.

- ls there something wrong?
- No, no. Everything's fine.

- Mrs Skinner is all right, isn't she?
- Oh, yes. She's terrific.

She's just temporarily incommoded,
that's all.

Oh, dear. Is it her tummy?


- In a manner of speaking.
- Maybe she's got what I've got.

I doubt it.

- Maybe it's something she's eaten.
- I doubt it.

Maybe milk of magnesia
would help her too.

- I doubt it.
- (Train whistle)

As quickly as you can, resume
your position in the booking office.

Right you are, Mr Parkin.

Hatley! Hatley! Hatley!

This is Hatley!
Change here for Busten and Wenstead.

- Get off!
- Morning, Ralph.

- (Ralph chuckles)
- Morning, Arnold.

Is it?

What's the matter with him?

Don't ask. They've been at it all morning.

- Give us a cup of tea, will you, May?
- You managed to stop all right?

You didn't run into the counter, then?

- You all right, Arnold?
- Yes, fine.

I can be in a bad mood
if I want to, can I?

- Yes, I suppose so.
- What's the matter, Arnold?

Oh, I suppose
you'll all find out eventually.

We've just spent
t' last two days on a course,

learning how to drive
them flamin' new diesels.

So what's the problem?

As far as he's concerned,
stopping 'em.

I just couldn't get to
grips with them at all.

When it came to stopping the ruddy thing,

I got in a bit of a state and, well, I...

...I hit the buffers.

"Buff!", it went.

- You hit the buffers?
- Buff!

I think they get the picture.

The instructor's got
his neck in a collar now.

You know what, Ralph? You and them
diesels, you were made for each other.

You're both nasty, smelly, soulless things.

I mean, there's no romance in diesels.

Can you imagine
Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson

having a brief encounter
on anything but a steam train?

But they didn't show you her getting off
at Waterloo covered in soot.

How I didn't chuck him in the firebox

coming through Knossington Bassett,
I'll never know.

Look, it's not my fault that you can't
handle the new trains and I can.

I expect he just needs time
to get the hang of it.

He should retire,
make room for a younger man.

You may be a younger man,
but I can still show you...!

Hold it, Arnold! Arnold!
Now stop it! Just stop!

Percy! Percy! Percy!
Percy! Help me, Percy! Help me!

I'm a guard, my lovely, not a referee.

- What on earth is going on here?
- Just having a quiet cup of tea.

I was just examining the material
of Ralph's jacket, Mr Parkin.

Very nice, Ralph.

May I remind you, this is
a public utility, not a staff canteen?

I'm trying to run an efficient station.
It's not a holiday camp.

Sorry, Mr Parkin.

When you've all finished your
refreshments, return to your duties.

- Mr Thomas.
- Mr Parkin?

I had a call from Mr Orkindale
regarding the diesel training course.

Oh, yes?

He'd like to see you on Friday morning
at ten sharp to discuss the results.

Would he? I see.

Well, that's it, in't it?

- I'm finished.
- You don't know that for sure, Arnold.

Why else would Orkindale want to see me?
They're going to give me me cards.

Here's your tea, Arnold.

They can't just get rid of you like that.

No. You've been driving steam trains
for years, haven't you, Arnold?

Since Stephenson's Rocket.

I'll tell you what I
think. It's just not fair.

You're right, but there's not
a lot we can do about it.

- We could get together a petition.
- That's a good idea.

And we could all sign it
to let them know how we feel.

Yeah, show those nobs at HQ
that we all want Arnold to keep his job.

They've got to know
they can't push us around,

that loyalty counts for something.

Mm. We could all get together
and show a bit of solidity.

Look, I appreciate everything
you're trying to do for me,

but, well, let's be honest,

it's not going to make
one ha'p'orth of difference.

Well, I... I've had enough for one day.

I'm going home.

I'd better go after him.
Just in case he does something silly.

You don't think he'd commit suicide?

No, I think he might
let the tyres down on my bike.

Come in.

- Ah, Wilfred. Do you want a cup of tea?
- No, thanks.

Can I nip into town for an hour?
I've got some stuff to buy.

No, you can't. One of us has got to
stop here to keep an eye on things.

But I've got to get me parka and stuff
for the weekend.

- I'm joining the mods.
- I bet they'll be thrilled.

And I've got to fix me bike.
I haven't even fixed the aerial yet.

Don't bother, son.
You'll never get a picture on that.

And I can get all our regular passengers
to sign the petition.

Well, that's eight, for a start.

- I can get Harry to sign.
- Nine.

And I'll ask Parkin. Ten.

What about the people in the village?

We can get Amy and Gloria to do them,
and the school.

- And my Wilfred'll want to sign it.
- Well, he can make his mark, anyway.

Harry could go down the bowls club
and get them to sign the petition.

That's a good idea, Vera.
Right, then there's the tennis club.

Golf club. Darby and Joan club.

Half the world's in the club these days.

- What did I say?
- Nothing. I'm sworn to secrecy.

All I'll say is be careful what you say
while she's in this delicate condition.

Oh, I see. May's pregnant?

Shh! Now, you didn't hear it from me.

And for goodness' sake, don't say
anything to Jack. He doesn't know.

Hello, Jack. If you'll excuse us,
we've got a petition to organise. Vera.

- Is this right, May?
- ls what right?

Well, are you, uh...?

- Possibly.
- Oh, blimey.

Well, it's not definite yet.
I'm just a bit late, that's all.

- Would you like a cup of tea?
- I'd rather have a brandy.

So, how did it happen?

- How do you think?
- I mean when?

Well, it has to have been April 4th.

That's my birthday.

Oh, right.

So, what do you reckon?

I don't know. It's a
bit of a shaker, innit?

- For me an' all.
- I thought I'd got past all that.

You did?

I mean, think about it, May. By the time
the kid's ten, I'll be drawing me pension.

What about the cost?
It's tough enough to manage as it is.

How on earth can we afford two kids?

You see, this is why I didn't want to
tell you. I knew you'd get into a state.

Fancy having a baby at my time of life.

I think your work's done.
It's me that's having the baby.

And to think... I only came here
to give you a surprise.

What's that?

Two tickets to see Oliver
on our anniversary.

Ah, Jack!

Oh, May.

Oh, 'eck.

- Mrs Schumann.
- Morning, Mr Parkin. You're in early.

- What are you doing?
- Just typing up copies of the petition.

- Petition? What petition?
- The petition to save Arnold's job.

Everybody's involved. Gloria and Amy
have just taken a load into town.

Vera and May are covering
the station. It's going ever so well.

- May I see?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh. You can sign that one if you like.

"We, the undersniged,

are appealed by the dreadful freatment
given to Arbold."

Oh, sorry. That should be "Arnold".

"And we demand that
he should be immediotely reinstoted."

Well, me hands were getting tired.
But you get the idea, Mr Parkin.

We don't want them to sack Arnold.

If the railways board considers
Arnold should be offered retirement,

that is their decision based on
practical and economic grounds.

As employees of the board, it is not
our place to question their judgement

but to abide by their decision.

I cannot and will not endorse
this sort of militant behaviour.

So are you going to sign it or not?

Of course not.
I'd be grateful if you'd tell the others

to desist with this senseless
and futile course of action.

- Oh. Right, then.
- That will be all, Mrs Schumann.


C R Parkin.

(Blows raspberry)

Yeah, that's a good cause.
Yeah, I don't mind signing it.

Well, I must say,
nobody made this sort of fuss

when my husband
had to leave the railway,

and he was an engine driver as well.

Yeah, but he died, Vera.

All the petitions in the world
couldn't have brought him back.

Ethel tried to get old misery-guts
Parkin to sign, but he refused.

What? Give us that back here.

C R Parkin.

There. He's changed his mind.

Well done, everybody!
We've got 232 signatures.

Oh, great. That should show the bosses
we mean business.

We did have 235,
but I had to cross out Charlton Heston,

Sophia Loren and Daffy Duck.

And guess what? My Wilfred's
gone to deliver the petition

to Mr Orkindale in person.

Oh, well, we can forget all about it,
then, can't we?

He'll never find the ruddy place.

Here, my Wilfred's all right. He's a lot
brighter than you give him credit for.


I told you.

Oh, Wilfred!
Oh, what on earth happened to you?

It's that stupid outfit.
He's got into a fight with some rockers.

Is that right, Wilfred? Have you been
in a fight? How many were there?

Where are they? Were they good-looking?

I haven't been in a punch-up.

The light fitting
got caught in the front wheel.

I went over the handlebar.

Oh, you poor lad. ls anything broken?

Yeah, me aerial.

Never mind that. Did you deliver
that petition to Orkindale?

Yeah, I gave it to him over an hour ago.

- Well done, Wilfred.
- Mum!

I don't like being a mod. It's too violent.

PERC Y: Jack! Jack! Jack!

- Oh, hello, Percy.
- Hello, Ethel.

- Everything all right?
- No, it's not.

- Why? What's up?
- You'd better see for yourselves.

Come on, Wilfred. Come on, hurry up.

- Arnold, what are you playing at?
- He's lost his marbles.

I've not lost me marbles. I've lost me job.

- You don't know that for sure.
- Yes, I do.

Why else would Mr Orkindale
want to see me?

True, but this won't help.

No. They'll just get a relief driver

and run you up and down the line
until you give in.

He's right, Arnold.
This'll get you nowhere.

It'll get him to Swinthorpe.

Shut up, Wilfred. Arnold,
we've got 232 names on the petition.

What difference will the petition make?

Eh, we'd better get him down
before Parkin sees him.

- Too late.
- What on earth is going on here?

Arnold's just checking the engine.

No, I'm not. I'm stopping up here
until somebody gives me me job back.

Mr Skinner, go and call
Mr Orkindale immediately.

Oh, no, Mr Parkin. There's no need
to involve Mr Orkindale in this.

- We can sort this out.
- Now, Mr Skinner.

Oh, Jack. Have you got a minute?
I need to talk to you.

Not right now. We've got dramas here.

Arnold's chained himself to Blossom
and Parkin's told me to ring Orkindale.

Well, it's important, Jack.
It's about the baby.

Oh. Well, you'd better
come and sit down, lass.


I've been thinking about all that and...

about me being too old
and not being able to afford it and...

Well, I mean, it's daft, isn't it? You
can never really afford 'em, can you?

And they do say
that babies bring their own luck.

I suppose what I'm saying is that
if you are...

you know, it's all right by me.

But I'm not, Jack.
That's what I wanted to tell you.

I've just come back from the doctor's.

It was a false alarm, so you don't
have to worry about anything.

- Oh, I see.
- But thanks for the thought, Jack.

Probably for the best, eh?

Aye. Probably.

I appreciate your feelings,
Mr Thomas, really I do,

but there are procedures
for this sort of thing.

- If you feel you have a grievance...
- Of course he's got a grievance.

They're repaying years of loyal service
by giving him the sack.

He's given the railways
the best years of his life.

- And some of the worst.
- Yes, thank you, Mr Lambert.

It ain't fair, though, is it,
treating him like this?

Blimey. You've changed your tune.
I thought you couldn't wait to take over.

I know, but I've been thinking about it,

and, well, I'd want a bit of respect
when I'm 102 like Arnold.

Thank you, Ralph.

Would it help if I made a nice cup of tea?

- May, that'd be lovely.
- Not 'alf.

I meant for Arnold.

No, thanks.

I couldn't stir it anyway.

Mr Parkin, it's no good.
Mr Orkindale is not in his office.

I see. Well, I'm afraid I cannot allow
this situation to continue.

It contravenes at least four
railways board regulations.

- I make it six to be precise, sir.
- Thank you, Mr Lambert.

This isn't about regulations.
This is a human drama.

It's about a man who refuses to give in,
who stands up for his rights.

It's like that film. Oh, what's it called?

- Lassie Come Home?
- It's not Lassie Come Home!

No, I was thinking about The Alamo.
Arnold's like that John Wayne.

Not very like him, I grant you.
It's just the principle, you see.

They're right. We all feel the same.

You've got to throw away the rule book

and realise
that it's people that really matter.

What is going on here, Mr Parkin?

- Ah, Mr Orkindale.
- Oh, blimey.

- Why's the 6.34 still in the station?
- Cos it's not gone yet.

I'm afraid we have a rather tricky
situation on our hands.

So I see, and I imagine it connects
with this petition

that says that Arnold
should be "reinstoted".

Oh, that should be "reinstated".

Me hands were tired.

Yes, Mr Orkindale, it is connected.

Obviously people feel very strongly
about this, including you, Mr Parkin.


Why else would you have
signed this petition eight times?

- Eight?
- Oops. Now we're for it.

Yes, Mr Orkindale, I did sign it,
and, well, I was pleased to do so.

You have to throw away the rule book
and think about people.

They're our greatest asset,
Mr Orkindale.

British Railways needs
loyal servants like Arnold.

I, for one,
support his position completely.

- I'm very glad to hear it.
- You are?

Oh, yes. In fact, I'm very impressed
with the spirit you've all shown.

- Oh, thank you, Mr Orkindale.
- Thank you. Very kind, sir.

But it was all a waste of time.

You're still going to
sack him, just like that?

No, of course
I'm not going to sack him, Jack.

I just wanted to tell Arnold that so far
as British Railways was concerned,

he's got a job for life.

(All cheer)

Thank you, Mr Orkindale.
That's very kind.

That's all right. But if you'd picked up
the telephone and asked me first,

it would have saved a lot of bother.

It would have saved
a lot of typing, as well.

Well, if that's all sorted,
I'll be on me way.

Well, come on, then, Arnold.
Down you come.

Well, thank you very much, everyone.

Sorry I've been such a nuisance.

Well now, Ralph, go and fetch
the key now and unlock me.

- I haven't got the key. You have.
- No, I gave it to you.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

You didn't. Silly old fool.
His mind's going.

Yes, all right, Ralph. Thank you.
Go and get a hacksaw, please.

What about old Parkin, eh?
He was almost human.

I think he was statesmanlike.

He reminded me of Anthony Eden.

Amazing, innit? Who'd have thought it?

Obviously we had him all wrong.

Underneath that starched exterior,
he's a little softie.

What are you standing around for?
We have a station to run.

We've had enough upheaval for one day.
Would you all return to your duties?

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ That nobody can deny

- Hey!
- Hurray!

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains
to catch but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains
to catch but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are