Oh Doctor Beeching! (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 10 - Ton Up - full transcript

The staff discover that the station is a hundred years old and decide to have a street party to celebrate. They dress up in Victorian costume as the mayor cuts a ribbon, a brass band plays ...

WILFRED: Come in.

Come in.

Mr Parkin's been shouting for you.

- Where have you been?
- Gossiping to the postman.

You've no business
gossiping to the postman.

You haven't heard the gossip.

Come in.

There's letters for you.

These ledgers are cluttering up
my office. Get rid of them for me.

Shall I put 'em in the dustbin?

No, we may need
to refer to them sometime.

They'll go in the loft. Leave it to me,
Mr Parkin. I'll supervise him.

Yes, Mr Skinner will supervise me,
Mr Parkin. He's very good at that.

Just bring the ledgers.

Hello, Percy. What you doing here?

I'm doing May's windows.

I can see that.
Well, May always does her own windows.

I was chatting with her the other day,

and I thought
she was looking a bit worn out.

Oh, did you?

She's got a lot on her plate,
what with the refreshment room,

Jack and Gloria to look after, so I said
I'd oblige her on Thursday mornings.

- I see.
- I could do you as well if you hang on.

No, thank you. I don't want you
to exhaust yourself.

Listen, it's just in case
Beeching shuts us down.

I'm taking it up as a sort of sideline.

I'm sure you'll do very well at it.

You always were happiest
with a bit on the side.

Come in.

Oh, Wilfred, Mr Parkin's
got another lot for you.

I've just found this paper in the loft.

Did you know that in 1863

you could travel to Boston in America
for three pounds?

- Cheap, weren't it?
- Yes, very.

I'd have given you the money
to get rid of you.

It says here
you had to take your own food.

Wilfred, stop wittering on
and go and help Mr Parkin.

Come in.

This is the last lot.
And brush those cobwebs off your hat.

Yes, Mr Parkin.

Wilfred, brush those cobwebs off your hat.

Yes, Mr Skinner.

Wilfred, brush those cobwebs off your hat.

Yes, Mum.


Sorry to give you an interrupture,
Mr Parkin.

I have here your freshly washed, ironed,
aired and clean bed linen sheets.

Thank you. What do I owe you?

You needn't worry about that.
It's my pleasure to be of assistance.

And I know the cut of an honourable man
when I see one.

I know you'd do the right thing.
Four and sixpence.

(Wilfred wails)

I thought I told you to brush
them cobwebs off your hat.

- Yes, and I told you as well.
- I think I've got a splinter.

Let's have a look.

Oh, yes, that'll have to come out.
It'll go steptic.

We'll get the tweezers
out the first-aid bag.

- Oh, Mum! I bleed easily.
- Well, don't bleed all over me.

May, can you pass us the tweezers
out the first-aid bag?

- Wilfred's got a splinter.
- Where's me sweet?

Oh, 'eck. He has to have a sweet.

- Pass us me handbag, May.
- Here you are.

She's gonna use the tweezers and it hurts.

There's no tweezers in here.
Somebody must have borrowed 'em.

Oh, it's my fault.
I had 'em to do me eyebrows.

Oh, look, they're here!

You're not doing it unless I get a sweet.

- I haven't got any.
- I might have a Fisherman's Friend.

He doesn't like them, Mr Parkin.
They're too hot.

I think I've got
a curiously strong peppermint.

Give it here, Vera.
Right, now, take that and shut up.

It was a bit fluffy,
but it won't spoil the taste.


- Hold still.
- Oh, Mum, you can't use those.

There's an eyebrow dangling.

- Don't look and you won't see.
- But I'll know you're doing it.

Think of something else, then.
Think of England.

The times I've done that.

Mind you, never helped much.


Here we are. Here you are. It's out, look.

- See?
- Oh, yeah. Next to the eyebrow.

And it didn't hurt much, did it?

Yeah, it hurt a lot. Can I go and spit
this sweet out? I don't like it.

- Wilfred, come here a moment.
- What for?

- This.
- What's that?

- Lodine.
- Lodine... lodine?! Ah!

What's all the ruddy noise about, then?

Mr Parkin's trying to kill Wilfred.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Cup of tea and a currant bun,
please, May.

Eh, I've just been reading this paper
that Wilfred found in the loft.

Do you know that our station, Hatley,
was first opened in 1863?

Look, there's an article says all about it.

Look, there's the mayor
of Clumberfield cutting the ribbon.

And look, there's your actual date
at the top of the paper.

'Ere, it's 100 years on Sunday.

What are they all fussing about, then?

It's an old paper, Harry.
It says this station was opened in 1863.

I don't remember that, no.

Mr Lambert, you don't understand.
This station has been open for 100 years.

These buildings are 100 years old.

This refreshment room
in which we are standing

is 100 years old next Sunday.

So is this currant bun.

The mayor's wearing the same chain he
wore on Remembrance Day last November.

That's not the same mayor, though.
That one's got a long moustache.

Get on with your peppermint.

Just fancy. It's all been here 100 years.

Well, I think we should mark the day
in some way.

That's it. Beeching could come
and tie the tape together again.

Let's have a party. We could get
some beers and May could do the food.

Thank you very much.
Jack can do the washing-up.

- Well, I'll help in any way I can.
- Mr Parkin can do the pans.

Oh, it's a really good idea,
though, Jack. I love parties.

I think we should have a street party,
like we did at the coronation.

Good idea, Vera.
That was a smashing day, that was.

Every street put tables
outside their houses.

We had a lot of booze
and a good old knees-up.

I don't get my knees up much nowadays.

Not with my arthritis.

- We've only got one street.
- We've only got four houses.

That don't seem like a street party to me.

It seems more like the Last Supper.

Well, it doesn't matter.
We can invite people.

There's my crew, Arnold, Ralph...

Mr Orkindale from District would come.

With a do like this,
he ought to divvy up a few quid.

It is a special occasion, and it's good
advertisement for the railways.

Harry's got lots of blackcurrants.
We could have blackcurrant tart.

And my garden's full of rhubarb.
May could make a rhubarb crumble.

- I don't like rhubarb. It's sour.
- My rhubarb crumble is not sour.

And he's got peas. We could have pea soup.

- Vera could do that.
- Yeah.

And maybe Mr Orkindale could invite
the mayor to make a speech.

Oh, no, that'd be boring.

Yeah, but it would force District
into divvying up a few quid.

Hey, and the shops could help us.

And the papers might come
and take our pictures.

It's a marvellous idea. I'll leave
you to start organising the food,

and I'll see what I can get
out of Mr Orkindale.

- I'll leave you in charge, Mr Skinner.
- That's right, Mr Parkin.

Mr Skinner will supervise us all.

Hey! Hey, watch what you're doing.

- He's wounded.
- Ah!

Oh, I'm sorry.

(Brakes squeal)

They've stopped us again.

You didn't need to tell me.

Oh, well, better the day, better the deed.

What are you doing now?

- I've spotted a pheasant on the bank.
- Now, Ralph. Put that gun down.

I promised Jack I'd get
half a dozen pheasants for the party.

You are not shooting pheasants
from my cab.

If Superintendent Scott caught you with
that gun, he'd give us both the push!

No, he wouldn't.
I got him a brace last week.

His wife does 'em in red wine.

For myself, I like them hung a bit
until they get high.

They're nice like that, ain't they?

(Signal clunks)

There's the signal. Start the train.

There you are. There's plenty more
where that came from.

No, thanks.
There's enough here to feed an army,

and a constipated one, at that.

Now, Vera says
can you collect the peas from Harry?

She's going to make the soup tonight.

- I'll go and get 'em now.
- Right.

We spoke to the grocer
and we've brought the stuff.

He's given us a lot of tins.
They weigh a ton.

There's no labels on 'em.
What are they?

He's not quite sure, but they're all right.

- He says they haven't gone bad.
- That's comforting.

He had a burst pipe
and it washed all the labels off.

I've got all I can handle. I've got to
make room for Ralph's pheasants.

Vera's going to do the pea soup, so pop
these along to Ethel, there's a love.

Come on, Amy.

There you are, Jack.
That's all the peas I can spare.

Thanks. Vera can start shelling.

It took me hours to pick them, hours.

- I'll have to charge you eight bob.
- I'll give it you later.

We've saved money on the bar. The club's
given us a case of light ale and brown.

- Good. What are the girls drinking?
- I've got sherry left from Christmas.

- They can have that.
- Here, Jack.

You couldn't spare me a table to put
outside my house for the street party?

We used to have one of them
trestle table sort of things.

Oh, yeah. The last time I saw that
was when I caught you

in the old lamp room
with that daughter of the plate layer.

Yeah, I remember.
Big, strong girl she was.

Big, strong table an' all.

Yeah, we broke it.

Come in.

They're all waiting for you
in the refreshment room, Mr Parkin.

I'll be there right away.

Oh, Wilfred, one more thing.

You are supposed to wait
until I say "Come in"

before you actually come in.

Oh, I see. We both have to say it.

No, no. You...


Never mind.

Jack, have you had a word with the butcher?

Not yet, but don't worry.
We were in the army together.

He'll bend over backwards for me.

And I've got the church to lend us
their flags and paper decorations.

We can hang 'em over the bridge
and round the houses. It'll look great.

I've just depodded 20 pounds of peas.

My right- hand thumb is in crutches.

Right, thank for you coming, everybody.
I had a good meeting with Mr Orkindale.

He's arranged for District
to contribute five pounds.

Wow! Can they spare it?

It'll buy us
another couple of cases of booze.

We could use it to get sausages and pork
chops and barbecue them like in America.

My late husband Earl
used to tell me about it.

He sometimes did a whole pig.

You're not having my pig.

Bernie Bleasdale's going to bring
his brass band.

They make a great sound, Mr Parkin.
It'll bring tears to your eyes.

I don't doubt it, Mr Skinner.

- Will Mr Orkindale be coming?
- What do we want him for?

- And the mayor, will he be coming?
- I was coming to that.

There is a condition attached to
the money, and to the mayor's presence.

We have to get the interest
of the local paper.

- Jack spoke to 'em, didn't you, Jack?
- I did, and they're not interested.

Perhaps you didn't approach it
in the right way.

They definitely are interested,

providing we let them have a picture
of the mayor cutting the tape.

They want to match it with the one
Wilfred cleverly found in the loft.

It were nothing, really.

You mean they want us
to dress up all old-fashioned?

Wearing crinolines?

Well, I'm not wearing crinolines,
and that's final.

We haven't got the gear.

I went to a fancy dress last year
as Little Red Riding Hood.

That's not quite what I'm after.

That's what the wolf said.

However, I have solved
that problem for us.

The Wetherden Transport Museum
will give us their full cooperation.

They've agreed to equip us
with the uniforms and the dresses.

- That's marvellous news, in't it, Jack?
- Yes, it is.

- As long as we get the five pounds.
- I'm still not wearing crinolines.

Mum, there's a couple of cases of beer
just been delivered.

Ask your father to bring 'em through.

We've brought one.
He doesn't want to get himself dirty.

- Leave it by the counter.
- Aren't you dressed yet?

It won't take a second. They'll be a bit
late. The mayor hasn't turned up yet.

How do I look?

Jack, you look wonderful.

Is it a bit tight under the arms?

No, the arms are fine,
but it's a bit tight somewhere else.

That's probably
why your eyes are watering.

Ooh! My, my, my! Don't you look a toff?

- Very aristocratic.
- Yeah, like Count Dracula.

Apparently, this is what station masters
wore in those days.

- Anyone for tennis?
- Ooh!

How about that, then, Amy?
Fancy me?

- I could be persuaded.
- Ethel's steaming down the road.

I think she's gonna
have trouble with the doors.

Will somebody give me a hand
with this flippin' thing?

Oh, dear.

I'm worn out. We haven't even started.

I couldn't do it up at the back.
Have a go for me, somebody.

- Here you are.
- Not you, Percy.

The waists of these dresses
are very small.

- How are you ladies going to manage?
- It's quite simple, really.

Oh, my Gawd!

May, Gloria, cover yourselves up.

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

Wasn't there a uniform for you,
Mr Lambert?

No, just this.

I think it was meant
for a more mature person.

Yeah, Father Christmas.

Mr Lambert!

Oh, my Gawd!
It's the Mad Hatter himself!

- Did you want something, Mr Lambert?
- Oh, yes. Yeah.

The train is due in
in about five minutes, sir,

and Mr Orkindale and the mayor
have just arrived by car.

- I thought they were coming by train.
- There's been some mess-up.

Get dressed, ladies.
We'll take care of the mayor.

Did you get anything from the butcher?

I rang him, but I haven't had a reply.
But don't worry, he won't let me down.

- MR PARKIN: Mr Skinner!
- Coming!

- Hurry up, Mr Skinner.
- I'm coming.

Sorry we're late. As we was about to
leave, the town clerk kicked the bucket.

Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

We couldn't leave while they
wheeled him out. He was a Rotarian.

- 20 years.
- We sent the train on without us.

- Where's the photographer?
- He's here, Your Worship.

I thought there was going to be girls
for the photo, in bikinis.

Oh, no, your worship.
The girls are in crinolines.

Have they got bikinis underneath?

Jack, have the girls got bikinis
under them crinolines?

Well, what you might call long bikinis.

The photo won't be in the Daily Mirror,
then, will it?

Hurry up, ladies.

You might make Titbits.

Now I understand why Queen Victoria
was not amused.

The train, it be coming, it be!

Ooh-arr! Ooh-arr! Ooh-arr!

Get into position, everybody.

- Hello, May.
- Gordon.

Good to see you.

I've known May
for years and years and years.

Wonderful woman.

Form a group just
round Mr Mayor. That's it.

(Train whistle)

(Camera clicks)

- Jack, who's driving the train?
- I'm not sure.

I think it'll be Ralph.

Mr Parkin, Ralph's driving the train.

Uh, shall we all step back a little way?

Mr Skinner.

You've got your moustache on
upside down.


Wilfred, where have you been?

- I've been trying to find the scissors.
- Scissors? What for?

- To cut the tape.
- Well, there's a bright lad.

I can't find them.

Wilfred, how do you think the mayor's
going to cut that tape? With his teeth?

Go and find a knife or something.

(Train approaches)

How about that, then?

I want to get this thing over quickly
and get back to the office.

Town clerk's wife doesn't know
she's a widow yet. Can I speak?

Yes, Your Worship. Here you are, go on.

- (Feedback from loudspeaker)
- The other button, Mr Mayor.

"100 years ago today,
on this very spot, at this very station,

Alderman Atkins, the then mayor,

cut a tape just like this one here,

to enable the first train to go through.

Alderman Atkins cannot be with us today,

because he died in 1872,

so I've come along instead, and I shall
now have pleasure in cutting the tape."

Wilfred! The scissors!

I hereby declare
this station and this train open.

Right, Orkindale, let's get going.

Just a minute. We haven't finished.
My editor wants a picture with the band.

Mr Mayor! Mr Mayor, can we have
a picture with you and the band?

Yes, and the rest of us.
Come on, everyone!

Picture with the mayor and the band!

We can't stop. We're doing a gig
at Nether Padley. We're late already.

Surely you can spare the time to play
something so we can get a picture?

Oh, all right.

Ready, lads? One, two, three, four.

♪ Fast version of "Rule Britannia"

Right, lads, on the train.

Come on, Orkindale.

'Ere, do they know "In the Mood"?

Right away!

See you this evening at the party.

Yeah. See you this evening.

Come on, lads. Drink up and be merry.

Can we have some beer, please, Mum?
We're both very thirsty.

Get on with your sherry.

It's just about done. It looks a bit small.

Smells good.

I feel like I'm doing the miracle
of feeding the 500.

I thought it was supposed to be 5,000.

Be reasonable, Percy.
I've only got one partridge.

Sorry, Ethel.
I winged a nice brace of pheasant,

but the gamekeeper turned up
and his dog got 'em.

He winged the gamekeeper an' all.

Jack'll be back from the butcher's in
a minute with the sausages and chops.

- Why did he leave it so late?
- You know what your father's like.

I can see Mr Skinner approaching,
bicycling on a bicycle.

- Oh, thank heavens for that.
- Right, stir that fire, then, Ethel.

- Harry, pour him a beer, mate.
- He's not carrying much.

Jack, where's the sausages and chops?

That skinflint of a butcher,
you'll never believe it.

He stood in front of a great pile
and he wouldn't give us one, not one.

We'll take our trade somewhere else.

- Why didn't you buy some?
- I hadn't got any money, May, had I?

- What happened to the money you took?
- I'd already spent that on Scotch.

Oh, Jack!

He had the nerve to say,
"If you've got money for booze,

you've got money for sausages."

He's had it. We're going somewhere else.

- What are we going to eat?
- We've got the pheasants.

One partridge.

And it's just got caught fire! Percy!

ETHEL: Quick!

Oh, dear.

What about all them tins
from the grocer's?

- They were all baked beans.
- Good. I like baked beans.

I made lots and lots
of nourishing pea soup.

Marvellous. And now we've got
May's rhubarb. What else?

Amy brought some cauliflower cheese.

Here comes Mr Parkin and Mr Orkindale.

Oh, 'eck. Dish up, Ethel.

Good evening, Mr Orkindale, Mr Parkin.
Welcome to the banquet.

Get a chair for Mr Orkindale
and Mr Parkin, Wilfred.

Two large Scotches for our guests.

I hope you don't mind,
but we've decided to go vegetarian

and give some cash
to the Railway Widows and Orphans.

Yes, well, tuck in, everybody.


Come on, let's have a singsong!

♪ Roll out the barrel

♪ Let's have a barrel of fun

♪ Roll out the barrel

♪ We've got the blues on the run

♪ Zing, boom, tararrel
Ring out a song of good cheer

JACK: Come on! Sing up, everybody!

♪ Roll the barrel

♪ For the gang's all here


(Owl hoots)

(Trombone plays a few notes
of ♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching)







♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains
to catch but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains
to catch but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are