Oh Doctor Beeching! (1995–1997): Season 1, Episode 7 - Past Love - full transcript

Whilst the staff hide a pig destined for the dinner table from Cecil, tax inspector Edna Taylor arrives at Hatley, claiming that they have been engaged for six years but recently she has heard nothing from him. She is not pleased to find a letter from him ending it all as he has found the 'love of his life.' Fortunately for May he fails to name the woman in question but when the train lurches and Cecil falls on top of May's daughter Gloria, Edna gets the wrong impression and Cecil ends up in the dog-house - or rather the pigsty.


Where is he?
We need him in the signal box!

Shall I give him a shout?

Oi! Harry!

You'll wake Parkin up!
If you've got to shout, shout quietly.

I'll tell you what, I've always wanted
to throw gravel at somebody's window.

- How about it?
- I suppose so, it can't do any harm.

Find us some, our Wilfred.

That's not gravel. You'll break his window.

It'd wake him up, though.

Never mind, I'll find me own.

- What's goin' on?

We're trying to wake Harry up
and he can't hear us.

Hey, he's not in there with you, is he?

Wash your mouth out, Jack Skinner.

- Harry!
- I'll try him with me gravel.

What's going on?

- What the...?
- Sorry, Harry.

We need you in the signal box
to stop the milk train.

It don't stop here!

Today they've got the
you- know- what on it!

Sorry about your face, Harry.

That's all right. I was thinking
of having a wash today anyway.

Come on!

Be quiet, you'll have Parkin awake!

Yes, he's a very light sleeper.

So he was telling me.

He'll put the kibosh on it.

You don't know that for sure.

Yes I do, because he doesn't like
anybody having anything on the side.

I wouldn't say that.
But you know him better than me.

They say every man has his price.

He'd keep quiet
if somebody gave him their leg.

- It's not gonna be my leg.
- And my leg's definitely spoken for!

Percy, lad, have you got the doings?

I certainly have.

Ahh, isn't he cute?

It depends on what you're used to.

You being married to Jack,
yes, the pig looks cute.

- Which is my leg?
- Shh! You'll hurt his feelings!

Now, gorgeous,
all the way from Clumberfield

I've been looking at that pig
and thinking of you.

You can't beat a nice bit of crackling.

Hey, we'd better unload him
before Parkin sees him.

- Oh, that's all we need.
- Put a cloth over it.

That's for budgies, you barmpot.

It's worth a try!
You're always picking on him.

See? He's not as daft as people make out.

Maybe we could teach it to talk.

Who's a pretty boy then?

Pieces of eight. Pieces of eight.

Give over! Get him to the sty -
and remember, Parkin must not know.

Why? It's nothing to do
with British Railways if we have a pig.

Course it is.
The swill we give it is from your buffet.

Excuse me, I do not have swill in my buffet.
I have leavings.

Same difference, railway property.
Sacred to British Railways.

Did you hear that?

Hear what, Mr Parkin?

Nothing. Nothing.

Tell Mrs Skinner I'll be in
for a fried egg sandwich.

- Righto, Mr Parkin.
- Morning, Mrs Schumann.

Good morning, Mr Parkin!

What was that?

I didn't hear anything, Mr Parkin.

No matter. I have an important meeting
at District Office today.

About that Dr Beeching?

Yes, I shall be going to town
on the 11:20 and returning on the 3:35.

- Where's Mr Skinner?
- He'll be busy somewhere.

He's very conscientious. Wherever he is
and whatever he's doing he'll be mucking in.

Good morning.

Why does the pig have
to be so near the cottages?

It's always been here.
Our 20th pig, this is.

First one, the war was on.

The war's been over
a long time now, Mr Lambert.

When the wind blows our way
the smell is disgusting.

Moaning now, are you? it won't stop you
tucking into a nice juicy leg!

Excuse me, I don't want
to cast a gloom on the proceedings,

but there's too many of these legs
being bandied about, in my opinion.

- What?
- I have definitely been promised a leg.

Ethel says she's down for one.

May and I have always had one.

I have pick of the legs,
seeing as I'm senior swineherd round here.

And Percy says he's been promised a leg
for supplying the pig.

Well, say what you like, but that
comes to five legs, and it's not natural.

Percy doesn't supply the pig,
he only carries it! So he's out of it.

Hey, he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

- Your fried egg sandwich.
- Thank you, May.

It gives me such a thrill to know that
this egg comes to me from you.

I only fried it, I didn't lay it.

No, I mean it was prepared
by your own fair hand.

I've yearned for the touch of your hand.

You've not been living in a monastery.
There must have been other women.

No one that mattered compared to you.

Now I've found you,
you belong to someone else!

- Your sandwich is getting cold.
- Someone not fit to touch your hem.

Oh, he's never been like that, Jack.
Never been a hem toucher.

Always more of a bodice ripper.

- I'll meet you in a minute.
- Someone's coming.

I'm sick and tired of it, Mother.
How do you put up with it?

The terrible smell, filthy habits,
and all that grunting and snuffling.

Now Gloria, don't speak
about your father like that.

My father? I'm talking about...

And in front of Mr Parkin too.

There are some things
he should not have to hear about.

Oh, yes. Right.

You'll be late for college.

No, I'm going on the train.

Ta- ra.

May! Oh, May, I had no idea
what you had to put up with.

- No, well...
- it can't go on. When I get back...

Nothing. Nothing.

Look, somebody's left a sandwich!
Eyes bigger than their belly, I daresay.



Ah, Mrs Plumtree. What can I do for you?

There's a rumour going about the station
that I'd like to have cleared up.

- Oh?
- They you might be meeting Dr Beeching.

Oh, er... Y- Yes, that is possible,
Mrs Plumtree.

Is he a gentleman, Mr Parkin,
a true gentleman,

like what we used to have over us
before the railways was nationalised?

Well, I believe he's a highly educated man.

That means nothing, Mr Parkin,
because my late husband,

he was an engine driver, you know, and
he was one of nature's natural gentlemen.

Oh, yes. And Lord Hartley,
from the big house,

he was the director of the railway company
before it was nationalised

and every time he got off the train
he would walk to the engine

- and thank my husband for his driving.
- That's very interesting, Mrs Plumtree...

"Mr Plumtree, we have very similar lives,"
Lord Hartley used to say.

"I spend my time hunting and shooting,

"you, Mr Plumtree, spend yours
shunting and hooting.

"A very good day to you."

Them was gentlemen in those days,
Mr Parkin.

Well, thank you for sharing these
extraordinarily interesting memories,

but I do have a train to catch.

Good. Well, I'm glad we've cleared that up.

Hatley, Hatley, Hatley!
Change here for Buston and Wenstead!


Did you hear that?
Parkin knows about the pig!

As he passed me he said, "Swine".
Oh, Lord.

Was that any better?

A bit, but you've still
got a very jerky touch.

Criticise, criticise, criticise.

- Here...
- Don't forget the train!

- Eh? Oh.
- Who's the driver of this train?

- He is.
- Driver...

you threw me about all over the place.

I do apologise, madam.

Ralph, did you hear that? You threw
this lady about all over the place.

Did I? I didn't know I had it in me.

Well, go on, you're driving.

Ethel? Ethel!

- Parkin knows about the pig.
- Oh 'eck!

- Excuse me!
- Someone's been talking!

That pig's so noisy.

When you've quite finished
your private conversation.

Thank you. I'm looking for Mr Parkin.

He's not here, love.

I am not your love. I'm nobody's love!

That's not difficult to believe.

And I say again, where is Mr Parkin?

He got on that train you just got off.

Oh, how very provoking. It's too much.

Where has he gone
and when will he be back?

That's privileged information
to British Railways.

My name is Taylor. Miss Edna Taylor,
and I am Mr Parkin's fiancée.

Ooh, you're never!

Indeed I am. Mr Parkin and I
are engaged to be married,

and have been for six years.

You're not rushing into it, then?

That is his engagement ring.

Oh, it's lovely, isn't it, that antique style?
Suits you a treat.

Makes your hand look ever so young!

I have come here to see Mr Parkin.
Now when will he back?

Well, he said he'd be returning on the 15:35,

which is like 25 to four in proper time.

Then I'll wait.

Through here, I think.

Hey, hang on!

Ah, this'll do splendidly.

But this is Mr Parkin's private office.

Yes, and I am Mr Parkin's fiancée,

and he will expect his staff
to help not hinder me.

I can work in here
so my time will not be totally wasted.

Oh, your income tax form, eh? You can't
fathom half the questions, can you?

I mean, what sick, twisted person
thinks them up?

A person like me.

I happen to be a tax inspector.

Ah, well, somebody has to do
these jobs, don't they?

I mean, I've got a brother
who works on a sewerage farm.

Has it ever occurred to you that
but for people dodging their taxes

British Railways would not
be shedding jobs?

There'd be more money
to pay you and Mr Parkin.

I never thought of it like that.
Good hunting, love.

Oh, believe me, it is a hunt.

Tracing the evaders. Tracking them down.

Mr Parkin says I'm like a bloodhound.

One whiff of the scent
and I never let go till I've got my man.

I had an auntie like that. Only with her
it was one whiff of the barley wine.

That reminds me.

Could you organise a pot of tea?
Milk, no sugar.

I'll see what I can do.

I saw that prat Parkin get on the train.

Is... Is it right he's gone for the day?

I hope so. I'm sick of him snooping about.

It comes to something when a bloke can't
make a few quid on the side, don't it?

Yeah, give us the betting book, Ethel.

I'll phone the punters
and tell 'em the coast is clear.

What's up with you? What's all this...?

- You're needed outside.
- No, I'm not!

You will be in a minute.

I'll, er, see to your pot of tea, then.

What... What are you playing at?

Listen, that woman in there
is Parkin's fiancée.

I don't care if she's his Aunt Fanny!

If she says anything to me
she'll get the flat end of my tongue.

- She is also a tax inspector.
- She's a ta...?!

Oh... Oh, my God.

Oh, I've had bad dreams
about people like her.

I've done meself, Jack.
She's gonna have me.

Mr Parkin's fiancée? I don't believe it.

As true as I'm standing here.
Edna Taylor, she said.

Engaged to him for six years -
showed me the ring.

Has it upset you?

Why should it upset me?

You thought he might
be interested in you.

- No.
- Your Jack did.

Jack thinks every man
who comes in here's after me. Jealous.

My late husband, Earl, he was like that.

- Was he?
- Oh, yes!

He was tough as well.
Handy with his fists.

His pals used to say, "You'd have to be from
the funny farm to make a pass at Ethel."

I'll take this through
to Mr Parkin's fiancée.

- I will.
- She asked me.

I do all the refreshments.
You should be in the booking office.

Anyway, I want to get a look at her.


Oh, thank you. Put it down there, please.

- Yes?
- I'm Mrs Skinner. Buffet manageress.

I expect Mr Parkin's mentioned me?


Trouble is, he, er,
he hasn't mentioned anybody...

since he came to this place,
since he got his promotion.

I expect he's had a lot to think about,
with his new job and meeting us and...

finding out about us and things.

Yes, I suppose you could be right.

- What did you say your name was?
- Mrs Skinner.

Are you a widow?

No. Not yet, no.

- Divorced?
- Oh, no.

My husband is Mr Parkin's number two.

I see. Could you spare me a moment?

- Yes, of course.
- Do sit down.

If you'll pardon my saying so,

you seem to be the sort of woman
that people find it easy to get on with.

Well, yes, I suppose you could say that.

Could I ask you, woman to woman,

if Cecil - that is, Mr Parkin,
if he's been behaving himself.

Because between ourselves
Mr Parkin has very strong...

physical appetites.

Oh, he always did!

I mean, he always did
give me that impression, I must say.

During our engagement,
despite knowing my views,

he's more than once...
wanted familiarities.

Of course, I had to repulse him.

So you and him, you never...?

Certainly not.
He was living with my mother, you see.

Your mother?!

In lodgings at my mother's house, I mean.

Well, that's how we met.

And you see, living under Mother's eye,
it wouldn't have been easy to...

Well, if I believed in that sort of thing
before marriage, which I do not.

I understand your point of view.

I don't agree with it, but I understand it.

But for a man with Mr Parkin's urges,
it must have been a strain even with you.

- Pardon?
- I mean, even with you and your views.

Perhaps at first,
but he came round to my way of thinking.

I always said that women who let men
indulge themselves were trollops.

- "Trollops"?
- Cecil agreed with me.

- Did he indeed?!
- Well, he nodded.

You've got a very rosy- eyed view of men
in general and Mr Parkin in particular.

I wouldn't be surprised
if he'd got a woman in every station.

- What?!
- Well, let's face it,

railwaymen get free travel -
up the line and down.

How dare you!

Cecil's not like that!

I know my Cecil!

And I know his writing.

Harry, it's me, Ethel,
where have you been?!

I'm not here. I've emigrated.

Oh, that's nice. Have you got your pencil?

What do I need a pencil for? I'm not here.

But I've got messages.

Right, Mr Willis wants a haircut
at four o'clock,

and Mrs Higgins is bringing
their Terry's bike in.

Can you fix it by tomorrow?

No, tell her I'm sorry but I'm dead.

Oh, the beast! Oh, the swine!

Harry, hang on,
something interesting's going off.

- What's up?
- It's this letter from Cecil to me.

"Dear Edna, I do not know
how to break this to you

"but something has happened
that should not have happened.

"Dear Edna, since coming to Hatley
I have met the love of my life."

"A woman who means
more to me than life itself."


"And I am writing to say
all is over between us."

Ooh, the beast.

Ooh, the swine!

Who's a beast?

Shush, Harry, I'm trying
to listen to this lady!

Oh, I should have listened to Mother.
Mother said he was sly!

Mother said he was devious and an animal!

Your mother's had a bit of experience
by the sound of it.

He's here, isn't he? He hasn't gone
to District Office at all, has he?!

You're shielding him.

Well, I shall find him. Oh, yes!

I shall find him and when I do...

Harry? Where were we up to?

Someone called me a beast and I'm dead.

- Where is he?!
- You're not supposed to be... Who?

Cecil. And who is his fancy woman?

You tell me everything or I shall take a very
keen interest - a professional interest -

- in your undeclared earnings.
- Ahh! I'm glad you brought that up.

You might have heard
me mention cutting people's hair.

Also, mending bikes, clocks

and what sounded to me
like acting as a bookie's runner.

- Yeah, yeah...
- How much are you making on the side?

- What it is, I'm studying for a new career.
- Go on.

You see, 40 years on the railways,
man and beast,

and now this Beeching bloke
is gonna cast me aside like an old boot.

So I've got to get employment, you see,
but I ain't quite fixed on what just yet.

It might be hairdressing - I practise
that a bit, but I don't charge nothing.

It might be clock repairs - I do a bit of that.

- And taking bets.
- Ah! Ah, no, you misheard that.

You see, what it is, I'm on a teach yourself
course to be an accountant.

Oh, really? Chartered or certified?


- He wrote what?
- He's met the love of his life here.

Who's that, then?

Don't ask me. Could be some woman
we've never heard of.

How could that be?
He never goes out anywhere.

Just keeps mooning about the station.

Does he?

In a manner of speaking.

That's true.

It must be some woman
he sees here every day.

Well, I can truthfully say I've never
given him any encouragement.

Except for the steamed puddings.

Spotted dick?

Only the once.

I'll tell you one thing you've not thought of -

this love of his life he's met
might not be a woman at all.

There's a lot of it about.

I shall stop you going to that youth club!
Get out!

Oh, Gloria. I didn't recognise you.

- Hello, Mr Parkin.
- Not on your bike today?


- Been to college, have you?
- Yes.

Good, get your qualifications.
Don't bother with boys.

- I don't like boys.
- Good.

I prefer men.

- Ralph!
- Me hand slipped!

Edna! What are you doing here?

So this is the love of your life!

- Who, Gloria?
- This is your floozie!

- She's a very decent girl.
- Young enough to be your daughter!

You monster! Mother was right!

Oi, you, come here.

What's going off with you and Parkin?

Nothing. Honestly!

There'd better not be.
He's old enough to be your father.

I wanted to tell you, Edna,
but I didn't know how to break it.

I know how to break it -
and by God I'm going to!

No, Edna! No! Edna!

Do you think she'll hurt him?

Aye, with a bit of luck.
Let's see what's going on.

No, Edna! No, please!

- Come back here, Cecil Parkin!
- Let me explain!

Wait till I get my hands on you! Cecil!
Come here!

Let me explain! No!

What are you doing with that filthy animal?

I didn't know it was in here!

Not you - I'm talking to the pig!

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching,
what a naughty man you are

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching,
what a naughty man you are ♪