Oh Doctor Beeching! (1995–1997): Season 1, Episode 6 - Horse Play - full transcript

Cecil buys May a set of red undies for the eighteen birthdays she has had since they last met though she is reluctant to accept them. Vera, the station cleaner, tells Jack about them but Ethel saves the situation by telling Jack that May asked Cecil to go and buy them for her to look good for her husband - who gets very frisky as a result. Lady Lawrence is expecting the delivery of her horse but a lion arrives instead. It's feared the lion ate the horse until it is discovered that there were two trucks and the one with the lion in arrived at Hatley whilst the horse was sent down the line.

Oh, Harry, you work with
such vigorousness and precisity.

How you miss hitting your fingers,
I never know.

I don't always.

Right, there you are.

Tell that Parkin he owes me three and six.

Oh, thank you, Harry.

And don't forget your tomatoes.

I was doing myself a little liver and bacon
and grilled tomatoes for my tea.

There'll be enough for two,
if you happen to be in the "vie- cinity".

I shan't be. I'll have me feet up
listening to the wireless.

You can put your feet up and have a snooze
in front of my fire in my parlour.

I'll never sleep after
all that fatty bacon.

- We could have a conversation.
- What about?

This and that, political things,

life, your ambitions, your adventures.

What ambitions could I have,
stuck in this box?

All I ever do is pull them ruddy levers
and shove them back again.

Well, please yourself.

I must go and bleach Mr Parkin's sink.
It's not very fragrant.

I might pop in for a cup of tea, though.

Everything will be ready for you, Harry,

at any time.

Ooh, you've got a lovely view.
You can see everything.

There's Mr Parkin getting off his bike.

He's got a parcel tied with pink ribbon.
I wonder what's in it.

Ooh, there's a lot of smoke
coming out of your signal on the platform.

That's the starter.

That's that boy Wilfred!
He hasn't trimmed the wick!

I'll go and light the fire in my parlour.

I'm only having a cup of tea, mind.

Oh, all right, wait a minute.

Right, there's the timetable.

Tell your mother to ring when she wants
to travel because it gets changed

due to operational necessities
and cows on the line.

That was Harry.
He says the starter's smoking.

- Did you trim the wick?
- Yes, Mum.

- You can't have done it properly.
- I did. I used your kitchen scissors.

How many times have I told you?

There'll be lamp black all over the bacon!

What's going off?

- Harry's starter's smoking.
- You've not trimmed it right.

- Get another lamp.
- Yes, Mr Skinner.

If Parkin hears about
this, he'll get his cards.

- He's not going to hear about it.
- He's not trimmed it right.

Well, he used my kitchen scissors.

I thought the bacon tasted funny.

I told the grocer he'd been using
too much oil on his slicer.

Gave me extra half a pound.

- That boy's bone idle.
- Well, it's not his fault.

He's only young.
And he's from a broken home.

So I've heard. He broke most of it himself.

You've got to make allowances.
He never knew his father.

As long as you did.

That's enough of that, Jack Skinner.

I'm sorry, Ethel.

I married Wilfred's father,

and I've still got a slice of wedding cake
in a little pink box to prove it.

- Can somebody help me?
- 'Ey up, that's Wilfred.

He's not climbing that ladder
all by himself, is he?

Get up that ladder!

I can't climb up and carry the lamp,
me fingers are sore.

Ooh, you poor lad. What have you done?

It's getting the chords and strumming,
it hurts me fingers.

Not half as much as it hurts my ears.
Get moving.

Don't bully the boy,
he's only trying to better himself.

I can climb up if you can hand me the lamp.

- Well, get going.
- Here, then, hold it.

Look, I've told ya - don't be such a bully.
You were young yourself once.

Oh, no, I wasn't. There was a war on,
I didn't have time to be young.

Wilfred, be careful! You're going too high!

He's got to, that's where the lamp goes.

Can you hand it up to me?

Of course I can't hand it up.
I'm not King Kong!

Stop going on at him.

- Stop hitting me.
- Can't you climb up and hand it to me?

No, you fool, I need both hands,
me foot's playing up.

You're going at him for having bad fingers,
you've got a bad foot! And he's not a fool!

Stop hitting me!

Oh, give it here. I'll go up meself!

I'm coming down again.

What's the matter now?

I'm not climbing up there
with you down here.

- It's not ladylike.
- What are you talking about?

You'll be able to see my...

intimate apparel.

Your what?

That's what Americans call it - ladies'
intimate apparel. Me husband told me.

- I thought he was a solider.
- Before that he was a salesman.

- Selling knickers?
- lntimate apparel.

Mr Skinner, if you come halfway up,
Mum can hand you the lamp.

You see? Why didn't you think of that?

Get up!

Now what's up?

Me foot's playing up.

You're the one who should be
getting his cards. You're past it!

Past it? Past it?

I'll have you know,
when it comes to the "it" that matters,

I have several nice furlongs to go!

Can I have the lamp, please?

Coming up!

Ooh, dear! Ooh, blimey!

- Go and get a fire extinguisher.
- Fire extinguisher...

- Where is it?
- By the stationmaster's door.

Stationmaster's door. Right.

Sorry, Mr Parkin, can't stop.

- What do I do now?
- Bang it on the knob.

Mum, point it at the fire!

What exactly is going on?

Er, we've had a bit of a fire, Mr Parkin.

So I can see.
Why is that signal lamp smoking?

It's a funny thing, Mr Parkin. A swarm of
butterflies settled in t'lamp, peacocks,

behaving like moths round a candle.

They all burst into flames.
I've never seen anything like it.

Thanks, Jack.

Try to be dignified
in front of the passengers.

Yes, Mr Parkin.

Hatley, Hatley, Hatley!
Change here for Buston and Wenstead.

Jack, your hat's smoking.

Morning, Mr Parkin. Your signal's smoking.

- We know.
- I expect the wick needs trimming.

We know!

Jack! Your signal's on fire!

- We know!
- All right!

- Thank God there were no passengers.
- Shall I send the train off?

No, Mr Skinner, you're in no fit state.
I'll do it.

Right away!

Sorry, Mr Parkin. That were me.

I'll see you all in my
office in five minutes.

Give over!

Here's your shopping, Mum.
Amy helped me.

Thanks, Amy. Shove the baskets
in the kitchen, put the change in the till.

Gloria, give those tables a wipe- down.

- I can't stop, I've got to fly.
- Bye!

Hello, Ethel. Ooh, you've got smudges
all over your cheeks.

How kind of you to mention it.

Trust her to catch me out.

- Have they gone?
- No. Try a bit of spit.

Ooh, you two look as
if you've had the cane.

Was Mr Parkin cross?

He had us stood in front of his desk
for five minutes

while he was sat sitting telling me off.

He didn't stop. And he kept his hat on.

He's got a cruel tongue.
It's all your Wilfred's fault.

No, it isn't. We're all to blame.

I've said it before - that boy needs a father.
Can't you find him one?

She's tried hard enough.

She is the cat's mother.

All right, the cat's mother's
tried hard enough.

I haven't. No one round here's
worth a second glance.

What about that guard Percy?
I've seen you giving him "come hither" looks.

I don't do anything of the sort!

He doesn't need "come hither" looks.

Show him your ticket and he comes hither
with his hands all over you.

You ask Amy.

Well, that Amy throws herself at him.

In fact, she throws herself
at anything in trousers.

Maybe she should
throw herself at your Wilfred.

Not as though he'd know what to do.

That's not the impression I get.

He hasn't tried anything with you, has he?

- Of course he hasn't.
- I'll kill him if he does.

Mind, it's your own fault
with those short skirts.

Here we go again.

That'll be the Clumberfield.
We'd better get back to work.

- Thanks for the tea, May. Give us a kiss.
- Oh, get away with ya.

Back at one for me dinner.
What have you got?

- Lancashire hotpot.
- Ooh, great!

Gloria, there's a bit of washing airing in the
parlour. Be a pet and run the iron over it.

I can't wait.

- Hatley, Hatley, Hatley!

Change here for Buston and Wenstead.

- Have they all gone?

Where've you sprung from?

- My bathroom.
- Harry promised me he'd blocked it up.

- I stopped him.
- Well, you've no business to.

Which hand have I got it in?

I sincerely hope you
haven't got it in either.

Go on, May, choose like you used to.

Oh, that was a long time ago.

Oh, come on. Please.

All right, then.

That one.

Quite right.

- What's this?
- A birthday present.

It's not me birthday till next month.

I saw them in a shop, and thought of
all those birthdays I'd missed

so I went in and bought them.

- Happy 18 birthdays, May.
- Oh, give over!

You're tickling me ear. Someone might see.

Right away!

What ever's this?

38 C cup.

- 38 C cup?
- Oh, I hope I haven't got the size wrong.

Oh, no. Nothing half a pound of cotton wool
won't put right.

They're silk. They must've cost a fortune.

It's for the 18 birthdays we've been apart.

Cecil, they're gorgeous.
But what am I gonna do with these?

- Most people wear them.
- I can't possibly wear them.

I can change them if they don't fit.

No, it's not that. What would Jack say?

- Wear them when he's not looking.
- Don't be ridiculous, he's always looking.

Can't you pretend you bought them?

How could I afford something like this?

Oh, they're nice, aren't they?

Betty Grable used to wear those.

Not the same ones, I don't suppose.
Are they yours?


Mr Parkin very kindly bought them for me
for Gloria.

Oh, fancy.

She's much more capacious than she looks,
isn't she?

She will be pleased.

And flattered.

It's a surprise. You
mustn't tell her. Ever.

Not one syllabus will escape from my lips.

I put bleach down your sink, Mr Parkin,
and the one in your kitchenette, Mrs Skinner.

I hope you don't mind my using
the communication door

but Harry hasn't yet done the blocking

cos Mr Parkin told him to desist.

See you anon.

Whenever that may be.

What did I say? Word'll get round about
that door and then where will we be?

Jack'll be late for dinner cos there were
a lot of parcels on the Clumberfield.

I'll come at once.

What's up with Parkin?
He ran like a frightened rabbit.

- Ooh, what's that?
- Nothing!

Let me see.

Ooh, aren't they lovely?

Whose are they?


- Parkin's?
- He's gone mad.

Well, I'd never in a million years thought
he was like that.

No, silly, he's bought 'em for me birthday.

- But that's next month.
- No, all me birthdays since we first met,

18 of 'em.

What's Jack going to say?
You'll have to give 'em back.

You're right, I'll have to.

But aren't they beautiful?

I've always wanted a
set like this all me life.

Oh, they're lovely.

You could fit seven pounds
of King Edwards in these.

I bet they cost a fortune.

Ethel, couldn't I say
you bought 'em for me?

Ooh, charming!

And what's Jack going to think's been
going on between us for me to buy this?

He'll think we're Lebanons.

- You're right, I'll have to give them back.
- But it does seem awful to let them go.

- You could say you bought 'em yourself.
- That's what Parkin said

but spending all this money?
Jack'd kill me.

If you ask me,
Parkin's still carrying a torch for you.

In fact, looking at what these cost,

he's carrying a bonfire.

I don't think so,
it's just something for old time's sake.

Far more must have happened in those
old times than you've been letting on.

- Rubbish.
- Next thing...

he'll be asking you to model them for him,
just for old time's sake.

Give over!

Mark my words, May. He's moving in on you.

Mum, there's been a phone call
from Lady Lawrence.

I hope you were polite and took a message,
after all the trouble you've caused.

She said she's expecting
a Leo this afternoon.

Leo? Who the heck's that?

Well, he's coming in a horse box
so I expect he's a horse.

Not necessarily.

With a name like Leo it might be the groom.

You must take proper messages
when you answer the phone.

I don't think it's the groom.

She said we could give it
a bucket of water and some hay.

Well, pull your hat down.

Three and six, Vera. Thank you
for bringing them, and for doing the sink.

My late husband couldn't stand
a septic sink.

He was an engine driver, you know.

Yes, Vera, you mentioned it before.

I must get on, I mustn't stand gossiping
to you all day. See you anon.

- Thank you, Vera.
- And sorry I didn't knock on your door.

I know what a fussypot you are
in that respect.

- Morning, Vera.
- Morning, Vera.

I've just been giving Mr Parkin
the cobbling what Harry done.

He was grateful.

I think he's a very kind and caring person,
deep down.

You must bring out a different side in him.

No, really.
I think he'd do anything for anyone.

You should see the beautiful silk underwear
he's bought for May.

Hey, what's she talking about?

Nothing. I think she's a bit barmy.

She's just said that Parkin's bought
silk underwear for my wife.

Did she? I didn't hear.

She must've been mistaken.

Buying silk underwear for my wife?
I'll kill him.

Stop it, Jack.

You ought to ask her about it first. She might
have a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Listen, there's nothing normal about another
man buying silk underwear for my wife.

Jack! You know what you're like.

All right, I'll ask her first.

Then I'll kill them both.

You mustn't do anything hasty.

Just for you, I'll kill 'em slowly.

May, where are you? May!


May, what's been going on?

- What are you hiding from me?
- Nothing.

What's this I hear about Parkin
buying you silk underwear?

It's not like what you think, Jack.

Come on, give it to me.

May asked Parkin to buy them

for you!

For me?

As a surprise.

Oh. Oh, they're nice.

Just your colour.

Yeah, they match your eyes.

Shut up, you two.

May asked Parkin to get them for her
to wear as a surprise.

For you, Jack.

For me?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

There'll be a hot time
in the railway cottages tonight.

- Is this true, May?
- Gospel.

- Why didn't you get them yourself?
- Why?

She couldn't leave the bar
to go to Clumberfield.

But you're going on Saturday.

She couldn't wait.

Don't be silly, Ethel,
you're embarrassing us both.

Couldn't wait?

Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.

You'll need to go
a bit further than that by the sound of it!

Harry, shut up! It's got nothing
to do with you. Off you go.

I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.

The shunter brought round the horse box.

Maybe somebody could
give the gee- gee some water.

If you've not got other
things on your mind.

Well, er, I'll just go
and see to the horse, then!

Er... l expect you two would, er,

like to be left alone.

There's no need to go, Ethel.

I, er... I don't know what to say.

Neither do I.

Well, it's a bit embarrassing.

You're telling me.

I, er... l had all sorts of wrong thoughts
in me mind.

I don't want you to get carried away
by these.

Oh, no, no, not those sorts
of wrong thoughts.

Well, them as well.

- They're nice, aren't they?
- Oh, yes.

- I thought you'd like them.
- The sort of thing Rita Hayworth wore.

Or Betty Grable.

Are you, er...

sort of busy later on?

Oh, yes, I've got the oven to clean.

Oh, I see.

Well, I could ask Parkin
for the afternoon off.

I don't think Mr Parkin would like both of us
to be away the whole afternoon.

Well, perhaps Vera would stand in for me
for an hour or two.

Make it two.

Wilfred, you're gonna have
to pull yourself together.

- I do try, Mum.
- I know you do.

If only you could succeed once in a while.

Now don't open the door too wide -
we don't want the horse to get out, do we?

Shut the door! Shut the door!

- What the heck was that?
- I think it was a lion.

- So do I.
- I'll look through the crack.

Be careful.

It is a lion!

You said we was to give a bucket of water
to a horse.

Perhaps the lion ate it.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

I think we ought to tell someone.

Jack! Jack! Jack!


I'm just dropping this parcel off.

There's a lion in this wagon!

There'll be one in my bedroom in a minute.

Jack, I'm not kidding!

Neither am I.

You stop here, Wilfred,
I'll fetch Mr Parkin.

And whatever you do, don't let him out!

Mr Parkin!

Good boy, good boy.

Would you like a nice old- fashioned
mint humbug?

Sit! Sit!

Harry! Harry!

- What's up?
- There's a ruddy great lion in this wagon!

Any more cheek out of you,
I'll clip your ear.

Mr Parkin! Mr Parkin!

Ooh, in here.

Mr Parkin!

Mr Parkin, there's a...

Mrs Schumann!
Please knock before you come in.

Ooh, I can't be bothered
with all that rubbish.

There's a wild animal down the yard.

Wild animal? Are you sure, Mrs Schumann?

Of course I'm sure!
There's a lion in a horse box!

Good heavens!
Er... I'd better ring district office.

And tell them to send a vet
with one of them tantalising darts.

Chop chop, young man. Come along there.

Are you OK? Oh, good.

Oh, er, excuse me,
I've come to collect Leo.

You'll need something
a bit stronger than that.

If he thinks there's a sugar lump
in your pocket he'll follow you anywhere.

Thank goodness I haven't got pockets.

- Did you give him some water?
- He didn't seem too thirsty.

He'll be fine when he hears my voice.

Ah, Mrs Schumann,
district office are sending a vet.

Mr Parkin, if you've got
any sugar in your pocket,

I'd leave it in the refreshment room.

Quiet, boy.

Can somebody help me, please?

- Wilfred, have you seen the wife?
- I've not been looking.

When you see her,
tell her I want to speak to her. Urgently.

I wonder what Jack's doing,
changing at this time of day.

Well, it's none of your business.
You watch for the signals.

Getting an early night, Jack?

Don't be coarse!

- Oh, Leo!

Ooh, he's a bit frisky!
Who's a lovely boy, then?

You're right!

He did recognise your voice.

Erm, what's in that box?

It's a lion!

Oh! Ha! A lion.

- Whatever happened to my horse, then?
- There's some bones on the floor.


Oh, madam, control yourself, please.

Oh, my baby, my baby!

May! Where are ya?

We had a word with the shunter
about half an hour ago.

He's got another horse box
down at Nossington Bassett.

He thinks he might have mixed them up.

They've mixed up the boxes.
Your horse is perfectly safe, I'm sure.

Thank heavens for that.

Auntie, can we keep the lion?

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- I'd look after it.

Don't talk rubbish. What would you feed it?

He could have my rabbit.

Oh! Go to the car! Go on!

I was in the station. What's going off?

There's been a bit of a confusion.

Mrs Schumann, get
district to sort this out.

Shall I cancel the vet
with the tantalising darts?

May! Get up here at once
or I'll start without ya!

No, Mrs Schumann, don't cancel him.

I think we may have a job for him.

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching,
what a naughty man you are

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Dr Beeching,
what a naughty man you are ♪