Off the Map (2011): Season 1, Episode 2 - Smile. Don't Kill Anyone. - full transcript

When a 12-foot anaconda snake takes hold of a wildlife photographer, Zee, Lily and Ben spring into action. Meanwhile Tommy learns a tough cultural lesson and Mina struggles to get along with new colleague Ryan.


Hey. Lily, this is Gretel.

We met at the cantina last night.
She's from Wank.

Small town in Bavaria.
She's on vacation.

Oh, well, it's nice to meet you, Gretel.

You're violating the shower schedule.

Since we all just met
and have to live together,

I thought it would be a good idea

- to have a schedule.
- Yeah, yeah.

Can we talk about that later?

Cool, thanks.

I find it the height of irony
that he's the whore

and we're the ones stuck bathing
like hookers.

What is that?

That's my chicken.

I had her outside last night,
but she got cold.

It's eating all my cereal.

She's not an "it." She has a name.

Her name is Dinner,
and you're being kind of uptight.

No, I'm not. I just have a routine.

I like order in my life.
I think it makes me a better doctor.

- I'm not great with change.
- Well, that explains the cell phone.

I mean, does this thing even work?

There's stuff on there
I don't wanna lose,

and I read the same text every morning
on my way to work.

Just a little ritual, you know,
to prepare me for the day.

"Smile. Don't kill anyone."

Really good advice for a doctor.

And a new roommate.

It's a big day, loca.
Big day for all of South America.

You know why?

There's a new shaved- ice cart in town.
I got you strawberry.

How can you eat so much sugar
before breakfast?

What are you talking about, woman?
This is breakfast.

I looked for you last night.
Thought we could take a walk.

The tide was high, the sky was clear.
Would have been a good night for it.

I don't know how many times
I have to tell you, lindo.

- We work together.
- So? We're not gonna get fired.

I mean, there's no H.R. Department
in the jungle.

- But we still need to be professional.
- Oh, hey, hey, hey.

You're the one
who keeps giving me mixed signals.

I mean, in my language,
that means "hot."

No, it means "cute," like a dumb puppy.

I'm not crossing the line.

- You might as well give it up.
- Come on, now.

You know you want a piece
of this imperialist American ass.

This place is kind of awesome.

I mean, every day,
cruise ships drop off beautiful ladies

from all over the world.

You know what?
I should chronicle this time in my life.

Just get a big map and put pushpins in.

How about a robe?

- Like Hef.
- No.

- That'd be kind of gangster.
- For your guests, moron.

I don't need naked strangers
first thing in the mor--

- Morning.
- Hey.

The new doctors, right?

Yeah, I heard all about you guys
from Dr. Keeton.

I'm Dr. Ryan Clark. We...

We sort of met at the clinic
the other day.

- I stole your cab.
- Oh, right. Hi. Yeah.

Hi, I'm Lily,
and this is Mina and Tommy.

- Hey.
- "Doctor." Dr. Tommy Fuller.

Your hand is so wet.

It seemed like you were quitting
the other day.

Yeah, well, I keep trying,
but how do you quit this, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So I'm sorry, you're telling me
this is your usual routine?

Well, it's God's shower.

He wouldn't have put it here
if he didn't want us to use it.

- Yeah.
- That's true.

Well, let me get my stuff.
I'll walk with you.

- Great.
- Great.


I could never get naked in public like that,
all Jane of the jungle.

Please stay your control- freak self.
I cannot handle more naked people.

Radio distress call.

A fisherman upriver spotted a woman
on the banks,

said her partner was bit by a snake.

You ditched us, amiga,
on a full moon no less.

Know how many babies
I had to deliver alone?

- I'm sorry. I'm here now.
- So who doesn't like snakes?

- I like snakes very much.
- Love them. I'm going.

Great. We get hundreds
of snakebites a year,

so the best way to acclimate yourself
is to dive right in.

So, you two, clinic.
Brenner, you're with us.

You two, clinic.

- Brenner, quit lagging!
- I'm coming, I'm...

I don't know how you feel
about our favorite redhead coming back,

but Ryan is a good doctor.

We need her to stay this time.

I agree, but she's the one
that keeps coming and going.

Well, maybe you could try
keeping it professional.

Well, that's not entirely up to me, is it?

So we have two kinds of antivenin.
How do we know which to use?

We try one.

- What if it doesn't work?
- We try the other.

I'm sorry. I just like having a plan.

- It's funny.
- What?

- That's a doctor crutch.
- Being prepared?

When it comes to medicine,
this is the Wild West.

You never know
what the jungle's gonna throw at you.

You wing it. You have to.

Come on.

Oh, thank God. Are you the doctors?

- Where's the patient?
- He's at the campsite.

- Hurry, he's really bad. It's all my fault.
- I'm sure that's not true.

I'd blame the snake first.

No, we're wildlife photographers.
Brian saw this amazing specimen.

He's trying to get the shot, and I'm
babbling about how it's been six years,

and where we're headed as a couple,

even though we agreed we'd never
have that conversation, except now.

Now we've got ourselves in this routine.

Brian's trying to bait the snake,
I'm trying to bait Brian

into a deeper commitment,
and it happened so fast.

The snake got him and we couldn't stop it.
I couldn't stop it.

- Couldn't stop what?
- That.

Forget the antivenin.

- Why?
- Anacondas aren't poisonous.

They just squeeze you to death.

- Heart's racing at 120.
- Okay, wiggle your fingers for me.

Good. Distal neuro- circ intact.

When the snake started coiling, I just
shoved the camera tripod between them.

- I didn't...
- Smart move. He'd be dead otherwise.

I told you, Chloe.
You're my little good- luck charm.

Can't you just pull the thing off?

Well, strength- wise, we're outmatched.
It would take ten of us.

What if we sedate it?

Ketamine is used on animals
all the time.

We'd definitely have to play with the dose,
but it could stop the constriction.

Good call, Brenner.
Let's get it onboard.

No, no, no.

This, not appropriate. A hospital.
Trinkets outside.


- No tengo is "no have." And dinero is--
- "Money."

He is offering you his art
in exchange for treatment.

His sister is home,
very sick with fever and cough.

Agua, yes. "Water."
That means "water."

I got it from here. Thank you.

Look, I know we got off to a shaky start--

You talking about how you stood by while
an entire family almost gave in to TB?

Yeah, that was bad, Plastics.

It was a bump in the road, sir, okay?
I'm a good doctor, a great doctor.

All that plastic stuff,
that's just scratching the surface.

Dr. Cole, give me a shot.

You wanna save thousands
of lives today?

Follow the directions.

You're building a latrine.

New community cropped up
a few miles from here.

Can't have them contaminating
their water.

I'm a doctor.

Contaminated water accounts
for 50 percent of the illnesses we treat.

You stop that,
you stop the cycle of disease.

Shovels are out back.

Minard, what are you doing?

I'm making my first house call.

Symptoms are indicative of lung fluke,

Maybe even the first
South American outbreak of SARS.


This is what a doctor takes in the field:
BP cuff, IV fluids and antibiotics.

If you find yourself in a hot zone
let me know.

I'll let you wear the fancy hat.

Oh, and take Dr. Clark with you.

I've had it with newbies going solo.

Okay, Brenner,
on my count, you'll inject.

Hey, hang in there, mate. Not long now.

Lovely, because actually,
this is starting to really hurt.

- Where exactly?
- My waist, my hips.

Okay. Hey, hey, Brenner, stop, stop, stop.
Brenner, stop.

We can't remove the snake.
I think it's the only thing keeping him alive.


His pelvis is crushed.
The snake is holding it together.

We take it off, he could die.

Sorry, mate. The snake stays.

We gotta get him to the clinic
for surgery as is.

- With an anaconda around him?
- The only reason Brian hasn't bled out

is the compression the snake's putting
on his body, okay?

She's squeezing at 90 pounds per inch.

That's more effective
than any man- made tourniquet.

We have a truck
on the other side of the river.

If we get him there--

That bridge isn't gonna hold.
We have to cross on foot.

Wait, wait, wait. I'm a tough bloke,
all right, but it's just too much.

- I can't do it. I can't, please.
- Calm down, okay?

The deeper you breathe,
the tighter she's gonna squeeze.

- Get this thing off me!
- Brian, calm down.

We gotta get him to surgery. Let's go.
On the count of three. Ready?

One, two, three.

Bruno and his sister
are from Venezuela.

They grew up in an artists' colony.
How cool is that?


So you don't speak Spanish?

It's easier to learn
when you speak every day.

My parents are missionaries,
so I've lived all over the world.

- Where did you grow up?
- Look...

You seem like a very nice person,

and when we're off the clock,
I'm more than happy to talk to you

all about my crap language skills
and my Waspy upbringing,

but when we're in the field, I work solo.

Okay, then.

Doesn't this feel good,
helping to save thousands of lives?

Wait, how are you helping?

This is all part of the medical lessons
you were begging me for.

Is this supposed to be meters or yards?
You'd think they'd specify.

But I wanted to do something cool,
like sew a foot back on or something.

Yeah, well, so did I, but apparently,
the only thing Dr. Cole thinks I'm good for

is digging Porta- Pottys.

At least I'm keeping up my end
of the bargain.

Why aren't you teaching me
any Spanish?

What's that?

It means "get lost," but, you know, ruder.


Hey, how do you say,
"Wanna build a bathroom?" in Spanish?

I don't know.

- You don't know?
- No.

You are a terrible Spanish teacher.

Somebody help me, please!

Somebody please help me.
Charlie, get over--

Charlie, I need your help.

Charlie, please.

Charlie, what the hell? Charlie!

Acute pneumonia. Her lungs are crap.

She's his only family.

We have to loosen the secretions
or she'll drown in her own mucus.

Wish I had a steam tent.

Ask and you shall receive.

Oh, hey, you're awake. You're okay.

We got you breathing again.
You're gonna be fine.

- Can you tell me your name?
- Her name's Sofia.

How do you know her...?

All the kids know me
because of my scar.

You speak English. That's great.
My name is Dr. Fuller.

Do you know what happened?

- The shaking.
- Yeah, it's called a seizure.

Do you remember how old you were
when they started?

I was 3. I fell.

But I'm better now.

Wait, wait. I can help you. I'm a doctor.

- Oh, you're a doctor.
- Yeah.

That means you think you're very smart,
and you don't know much of anything.

You know what I do know, smart- ass?

You're epileptic, and it's totally treatable
if you just take medic--

Okay, well, if you ever wanna play soccer
with your friends, I can make that happen.

- I don't have friends. I'm a loser.
- Why? Just because you're a Brazil fan?

I mean, everyone knows
Argentina's where it's at but--

- You're stupid. Brazil's the best.
- Not with that defense.

Are you blind?
Have you seen Alves move?

- Okay. Alves couldn't shake my grandma.
- You really do know nothing.

I built one of these
for a family of eight in Kenya.

Worked like a charm.

You've done so many amazing things,

and you talk about them all the time.

Hey, you hear that? It's working.

Bruno, she's out of the woods.


- What the hell? I barely feel a pulse.
- Bruno? Bruno.

Sofia has epilepsy.

This is Tegretol.

Take it twice a day with food,
and the seizures should be under control.

- Papa.
- Oh, Papa.

Tommy. Dr. Fuller.

I was just explaining to your wife
that medicine, bueno.

Okay? Better life for Sofia.
So she won't be such a loser anymore.

Well, I am not her husband.

Papa Ucumari is our curandero,
the medicine man for the town.

Medicine man?
Like voodoo and magic tricks and stuff?

My mother is asking him
if the pills will help with the demons.

Papa says that's what makes me shake,
when they get into my body through here.

Okay, I'm sorry.

You think the seizures are caused
by a demon portal?

Look, no offense, dude,
but it's just a scar.

Well, doctor, I have been treating
this family since before Sofia was born.

Now, we have listened
to what you have to say.

Now you must listen
to what I have to say.

So you can keep scaring everyone
with your crazy- ass theories?

- Papa doesn't scare us.
- Okay, fine.

Then he needs to grab a medical journal
and join us here in the modern world,

because there are no evil spirits, okay?

It's just epilepsy,
which is a treatable disease.

It's very trea--

Se?ora, please,
look, the meds will fix her.

Sofia, please talk to your mother.

Charlie, will you talk
to these people for me?

Dude, where are you going?
I need your help.

Stop. This is nuts. It's abuse. Okay?

This girl's been suffering from seizures
since she was 3

because nobody will do anything.

- She is under my care.
- No, not anymore. She's my patient.

And if you don't like that,
you can go "pi?rdete concudo"yourself.

Why would he hide how sick he is?


He wanted us to focus on his sister.
He didn't think he was as sick as her.

His blood pressure is barely there.

The bacteria has gotten
into his bloodstream.

He's halfway to organ failure.

- She thinks we can fix him.
- Well, tell her she's wrong.

It's too late for steam.

We've pumped him full of antibiotics
and fluids, and he's not responding.

There's nothing that we can do.

Where are you going?

Tell her that he's gone.

- Four- one- eight- nine.
- What?

That's the PIN for my bank card, 4189.

There's a safe- deposit key
in my sock drawer.

Brian, don't.

There's a thousand bucks stashed
in my mattress for Y2K.

It's funny,
I'd completely forgotten about that.


- Darling, there's one more thing--
- No, no, no.

There's nothing else
she needs to know right now.

It's what I tell people in the ER.
Don't go to worst- case scenario.

It's not helpful, okay?

This isn't goodbye.
It's not your last conversation. Not now.

Now we walk, okay?
We just have to walk.

No, there is one more thing
I've gotta do.

- Brian.
- Stop it. Don't let it detach.

Come on, Brian, stay with us.

- What's happening?
- His tourniquet's gone. He's bleeding out.


We have to replace the snake
with a binding to stop the bleeding.

- Nothing will give us that pressure.
- It's a stopgap. We don't have a choice.

The stretcher.
Keep pressure on his pelvis.


Okay, hold.


Okay, it's not as good as the snake,

but it should slow the internal bleeding
and buy us a little time.

My God.

- It bit me. God, I've been bit by a snake.
- Here.

I tried to grab it, but...
It's okay. It's okay, I'm fine.

It's not poisonous. Just keep moving.

Okay, we gotta move now. You ready?

On one, two, three.

She just keeps saying her brother
was her only family over and over again.

I gave her something to help her sleep.

So how do we call the coroner?


Who picks up the body?
Is there a funeral home or something?

I mean,
I know we can't just leave the body,

but we can't stay here all day.

- The clinic is backed up--
- Who do you think you are?

You think you have it all figured out?
You don't.

- You failed today. You failed your patient.
- What? I saved her life--

Then didn't have the guts to comfort her
when her brother died.

- Saving her life was the easy part.
- I don't speak Spanish.

You don't have to speak Spanish
to be a human,

although you could've bothered to learn
one damn word of it before you came.

What do you think,
you can just call it and go home now?

Send the body on a slab to the morgue?

Being a doctor here doesn't end
at time of death.

You wanna know
where the funeral home is?

Right here. We're it.

I have to prepare the body.
I don't expect you to help.

I put you on bathroom duty
to keep you out of my hair.

Next thing I know, I'm getting pulled out
of surgery to manage a crisis you created.

Wait, why am I the bad guy here?

This witch doctor's cure is probably
a topical application of feathers.

You don't get it, Plastics.

What don't I get?
I'm trying to practice medicine here.

This is more than medicine.

The curandero's the cultural
and spiritual leader here.

We insult him, we insult everyone.

Come on, this guy is a sham.

I had migraines for years.
Like, nothing could touch them.

Papa said I had two jaguars
fighting in my head.

He burned some herbs,
made me inhale some smoke.

Smelled like crap,
but hell if it didn't work.

Okay, great.

But for epilepsy,
the only treatment is medication.

- And this guy won't even listen to me.
- Did you listen to him?

No, you mouthed off.

People here come to us
because we've earned Papa's respect.

We practice our medicine
alongside his.

It took us years to build that relationship,
and in two seconds you destroyed it.

Fine, I messed up, okay?
So just let me go in there and I'll fix it.

No, man, it's too late.

- Awesome day.
- Oh, best.

I just set the clinic back about ten years.

Oh, by the way, if you happen
to meet a guy named Papa, just go with it.


I'm 0 for 2. Cole hates me.

You get at least three chances
before someone makes up their mind.


Well, not me. I snap- judge.

Oh, crap. The bathroom.

- What? What? Where are you going?
- I don't wanna waste my last chance.

Minard, get Ryan and Cole
to prep the OR.

- Come on.
- I'm on it.

Okay, we have major internal crush
injuries caused by a green anaconda.

The canvas
is holding his pelvis together.

Once we untie it,
there's gonna be massive hemorrhaging.

We'll only have a few minutes
to control the bleeding.

Pulse ox, borderline 91.

Okay, I'm gonna slice off the canvas
as soon as the meds are onboard.

Oh, hey, welcome back, Brian.

You woke up just in time
for us to put you out again.

We're gonna operate, okay?

Wait, wait, wait.
Was that blood there before?

No, it wasn't. I'll take a look.

- Femoral bleed.
- Let's get the tourniquets on.

Okay, what caused it? Bone shard?

- I can't tell.
- It's in my pocket.

In my pocket.

Yeah, that's what I was trying
to show Chloe at the river.

You were trying to propose.

Okay, the canvas was wrapped so tight
that the ring sliced through

and nicked your femoral artery.

I've really mucked this up, haven't I?

That thing's supposed to be
on Chloe's finger now.

No, it's my fault.
I didn't know you were gonna...

I'm really sorry.

Well, when we're back home
and all this is over, I'll do it right.

Do it now.

Pressure's down. Two units of saline.

- We gotta move.
- It's okay. Somebody go get Chloe.

Brian, I was wrong.

I was following protocol,

but this isn't the ER, this is the jungle.

And anything you wanna say
to someone you love, you say it now.

She's right, mate.

Look, you got the best doctors
working on you,

but we've got a pretty tough climb.

How tough?

Pretty tough.

Okay. All right, then.

Hi, baby.


We've been together
for a long time now, haven't we?

We've got our routine down.

Tuesday tacos.

Sunday morning jogs in the park.

- Well, we never really do that.
- No.


Even if we did, that routine,
it doesn't work for us anymore.

Chloe, I love you.

I wanna spend the rest of my life
with you.

I want us to take the next step. It's time.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, because I wanna not go jogging
with you for the next 50 years,

and I don't wanna
have to plan date night,

I want the rest of our lives
to be date night, all right?

I just need you to make it through this.

Oh, is that what you need?

That's a piece of cake.

We gotta get started.

It's okay.

All right. Pelvic bindings are coming off.

Now, once they're gone,
we gotta move fast.

Everybody ready?

Trauma shears.

- Can I help?
- Oh, now you wanna help.

- Where the hell you been all day?
- I was busy.

Well, you really left me hanging
at the clinic, little man.

I could've used your help with Big Papa.

Hey, I heard Cole fixed everything.

Papa is gonna give Sofia the pills
as part of the healing ceremony.

Whatever. At least she'll be cured.

She won't have seizures anymore.
She can be normal now.

No, she can't.

She's still gonna have that scar
on her face.

- People are still gonna be scared.
- Because the demons can still get in her?

Or in someone else.

You're scared of her too.

That's why you flaked on me
at the hospital?

Dude, I seriously need to teach you
some real medicine

so you can actually help--

- Where are you going?
- I gotta treat my patient.


U?a de gato tea. For your head.

- My head?
- Yes.

Dr. Cole explained
that you were dropped as a child

and things have not been right in you
ever since.

Right. Thanks.

I want your permission
to try and treat Sofia again.

I think I can help with her

demon issue.

Young American doctors,
you have all the answers, huh?

You have been practicing your medicine
for what, three years?

I have been practicing mine for 300.

You look really good.

The role of the curandero has been
in my family for over ten generations.

We have access to the best pharmacy
in the world, the rain forest.

We know the curative powers
of every single plant in it.

So no offense, dude,

but we were treating people
long before you came here,

and we were doing just fine without you.

You couldn't stop Sofia's seizures.

Yeah, well, neither could you.

All due respect,

I had the meds.

In order for a cure to work,

the patient must believe
in the doctor doing the curing.

Sofia would not have taken those pills
from you.

She does not believe in you.

Not a lot of people do.

But I came here to change that.

And I'm trying to start with you.

Okay, femoral almost under control. Cut.

Brenner, we got this.
You might wanna go re- dress that bite.

It's looking pretty nasty.

Oh, I'm fine.
I'd like to see my patient through surgery.

Cardiac arrest.

- V tach.
- Femoral bleeding's under control.

- Then why is this happening?
- Rhabdomyolysis.

Toxins from the muscle damage
stopped his heart.

Our binding kept so much pressure
on his body,

- they must have been contained.
- Until now. No pulse.

- Charge 200. Clear.
- Two- hundred.

Still no change.

- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Subclavian.

His potassium's sky- high.
We gotta get calcium to the heart.

But we don't have central line kits.

Never done one like this,
but it'll have to do.

Let me do it. I've done about a million.
I'm really good at sticking people.

At my hospital,
they called me the Sadist.

- Shock him now.
- Charge 300.

- Three.
- Clear.

Strong pulse. Breathing on his own.

I'll be damned.
I think we're out of the woods, people.

All right, let's get an ultrasound in here
and double- check that pelvis.

All right, almost finished.
Now, you can't feel anything, right?

Just your stinky breath.

Thank you. That's sweet.

Okay, name the layers I just closed.

Deep fascia, sub- cuteness.

"Cutaneous," but good.

And speaking of good...

Well, you must be happy if you can't think
of anything insulting to say.

All right, step up.
You're cutting the suture.

All right.

- Nice.
- It looks like...

Like nothing.

- All right, why don't you go get them?
- All right.

- Thank you.
- I'm pretty good.

She can go home.
And she has to take her pills.

- But no more demons.
- Yeah. Nothing else is gonna get in there.

I believe.


Yes, I finished the latrine,
and I remembered the flyscreen too.

If you want me to build another crapper
tomorrow, I've got it down.

Yeah, look,

I never could've done a scar revision
that clean.

Thanks. That actually means a--

To me.

It was a good save in there
with the subclavian.

No, it was a great save.
Because I am a great doctor.

So don't ever
make me doubt that again.

I never said you weren't a great doctor.

You're just not a very good physician.

What's the difference?

A doctor treats. A physician heals.

These work better.

No, really.


"Smile. Don't kill anyone."

This is my doctor crutch.

What does it mean?

I woke up one morning
after working a double

to find my fianc?
had eaten the last of the cereal.

- I was hungry and pretty pissed off.
- Sorry.

So I made him run out on his bike
to get me some.

And on his way back, he texted--

- "Smile. Don't kill anyone."
- Yep.


Well, I hope you cut him some slack
when he got home.

He never got home.

A car hit him
three blocks away from the house.

It's your first jungle trophy.

- Thank you.
- You don't need a crutch.

That's proof you can handle anything.

Good night.

It's perfect.


It's a nice night.

Wanna go take that walk?


Just two professionals
strolling on the beach,

respecting each other's
professional space.

You just crossed the line.

Screw the line, lindo.

Don't you usually drink at your desk?

Well, I thought I'd shake things up
a little.

You wanna talk about it?

Not really.

You wanna go someplace else, then?

- You mean...
- There's no reason to shake that up.

I'm back, okay?

It doesn't mean I'm back.

Anyway, you won't be lonely long.

I saw the way you looked at the new girl.

The new girl?

You can't see it,
because it's coming off your face,

but I used to get that look all the time.

Hey, get my back.

Is that how you do it in France?

Oh, crap.

Oh, God.

- Oh, this isn't happening.
- You looking for this?



You know you're bathing
on a main hiking trail, right?

No, I didn't know that, actually.

So how much did you just see?

Brenner, I'm a doctor.
Come on, I've seen it all before.

So you did see it all.

Oh, yeah. I saw it all.