Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 3 - Super Greens - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie.

Gloria, you bought a penis car?

I didn't buy a penis car.

I won a penis car in a
poker game last night.

- And the award goes to?
- Me.

- I gave a scholarship
to my alma mater.
- Because?

I'm kind of at a place in my life
where I want to feel more fulfilled.

I've been recruited
by a sperm scout.

Everyone knows.

Listen, if people know, right,

it means we don't have to
worry about them finding out.



I don't know what
you guys do nowadays.

If there's a handshake or
secret code or something.

You pretty much cracked it.

This is way more fun
with somebody else.

Jackie, are you using again?

Is this what sponsorship is? I call
you for help, and you accuse me?

Okay, the cravings can't be new,

so is something going
on at work or at home?

My daughter Grace...

I don't know what's
going on with her.

♪♪

♪♪

They've been up
there a long time.

Honey, they're
fine. They're girls.



What do you know about girls?

Yeah, no. I don't want that.

Tastes like ice cream. This
is cancer-fighting ice cream.

Honey, relax.
The girls are fine.

And more importantly,
they like me.

They're not here that much.
They don't really know you.

This is pretty new to them,
somebody sleeping at the house...

with their mom
who's not their dad.

I know, but we're
really doing this.

And more importantly,
we're doing it right.

Try the green stuff.

Occupied.

I have smoothies.

- What are you doing?
- It looks good, right?

- I like it.
- Grace, Jesus Christ.

What? It's a haircut.
It's not like a cry for help.

I think I look older.

Yes. Yes, you do.
You look a lot older.

I know. I was talking
to Mandy about it...

and where to go, and
then I was just like,

"I have scissors."

- We made a Vine.
- A what?

It's a six-second movie.

Here it goes.

Fucking bangs,
man. Here it goes.

All right, so you talked to your
friend Mandy about your haircut.

Do I know Mandy? I don't know.

Well, I would like to meet her.

She doesn't live in Queens.

Grace, I feel like I have no
idea what's going on with you.

Yes, you do. I live with Dad.

I go to school and
sometimes I come here.

We got smoothies. We got toast.

We got about 10 minutes
before everyone is late.

Whoa. Hiya, haircut.

It looks good. Thank you.

It's so random that you called.

I'm never up this early.

Oh, my God. How old
are you? Relax. I'm 28.

You didn't bring me
a fancy doughnut.

Mmm.

Okay, um, I want to
make something clear.

I don't usually... It's cool.

Whatever the end of that
sentence is, you're a friend.

Okay, I don't even
know your name.

Gabe.

You're a nurse? I
am. What do you do?

I don't know.

I was doing a music
thing for a while.

My girlfriend has a real job.

I started jogging.

Okay, how much do you want?

I pay my guy $10
a pill. So that's cool.

That's it? Yeah, man.
It's easy to buy drugs.

What are you doing now?

I'm going to work.

Really? Fuck!

I'm going back to bed.

Can you give me a ride?

Good morning.

I do the same thing
when I take car service.

It's so weird to sit in back.

Very weird.

So this is great.

What's great? You
guys walking in together.

One of you running around the block, so
you can pretend to be late made me sad.

Seriously? You saw that?

She saw that. I
guess she sees it all.

It's two S's, right?

Hey, what are you doing?

You're an asshole, man.

I was sick, and you treated me like shit.
You should be nice to people who are sick.

Hey, fuck you, man. I was nice.

You can suck my balls.

You don't have to
yell. We can read.

Gloria's gonna lose her mind.

Here. I'm on a winning streak.

I won $5,000 last night.
Scratchers for everyone.

Well, your streak
may have ended.

Some disgruntled patient just
defaced the front of the building.

How bad is it?

There's a big dick on the wall.

I'll go call Maintenance.

Did she just giggle?

See?

Bedside manner means
something to people.

- Not my job.
- I still think it is.

Zoey, no one's coming to
see me because I'm nice.

No one is coming to see you
today because of that penis.

Another one.

You've got to report this to
Disease Control. Report what?

It's the sixth case
of a gay man...

with bacterial
meningitis this month.

But the C.D.C. doesn't want to cause
alarm or use words like "outbreak."

Don't we have
vaccinations for meningitis?

Yes, but you have
to take the vaccine...

before you stick your
tongue in someone's mouth.

This is why I hate the scene,
why I'm no longer on Grindr.

Thank God I have a boyfriend.

We should just go
vaccinate at all the clubs.

Oh, my God, Thor.

We can go to The Cock.

No, no, no.

The Cock?

It's a rock and sleaze gay
bar, and you cannot go there.

- Why not?
- Zoey, they don't
want you in there.

Yes, they do.

I'm trying to be of
service to your community.

I'm going.

Look, let me be
of service to you.

Don't dress up. Don't dance.

It's not your
bar, it's their bar.

Wear scrubs, hot
shoes and eyeliner.

Don't smile.

Sounds like a fun night.

Female, 50s. Called
us 'cause she thought...

she was having a
reaction to her medication.

She's been in and out.
Says her doctors are here.

- Frequent flier?
- I'll check.

What's she taking? Jesus.

She's taking everything.
Who's her doctor?

She's got a bunch of them.
She left all these files too.

Her name's Lauren.

I want her primary doctor
and her most recent file.

On three. One, two...

Hello.

Hello, Dr. Cooper. I'm
Dennis from Eastside Fertility.

Hey, man. How's my sperms doing?

They are here. And we just want
to say thank you for getting us...

your donation so quickly, and all
of your genetic tests were great.

My genes are good.

But you're not even a MOT five.

A MOT five?

A motility of five million.

And your count is
lower than we accept.

Mot five is really
our bargain sperm.

So what's my count?

Two million.

We appreciate your interest.

No, no, I can do it
again. I'll do better.

I'm sorry, sir. This is
probably the end of the line.

Have a good day.

Let's run a tox
screen and an E.K.G.

Lauren, can you tell
us what you're taking?

My throat, it's hard to breathe.

She has eight doctors and
she's on a bunch of biologics.

Enbrel, Humira, Rituximab.

All autoimmune. That
would explain all the doctors.

Her airway is swelling.
Are you on steroids?

Prednisone? Yep, here it is.

Shit. Tox screen's gonna take
10 minutes. I'll go get Eddie.

Let's protect her airway.
You want to jump in on this?

Hey, Coop. How are the boys?

Fine.

Then why are you
walking like Charlie Brown?

Because Charlie Brown has a
higher sperm count than me, okay?

Jesus, I'm sorry.

It's not funny. I know.

It's sperm, right, Coop?

I mean, use it or lose it.

Come on, I'll take
you out tonight.

This isn't something I'm just
gonna bounce right back from.

Don't say anything to anybody.

So, is every woman over 40...

on the Upper East Side just
clamoring for your sperm?

Yes, they are.

He's gonna father
an entire class...

of private school douche bags.

Ah, lucky us. I need a consult.

- Can I steal you?
- Yeah. What's up?

This woman has eight different
doctors prescribing to her at once.

Fucking doctors. They can't
see beyond their own bullshit.

Or call each other
every once in a while.

The pharmacist should
have caught interactions,

but people make mistakes.

All right, if I had
to put money on it,

I'd say it's a
combination of these...

prescribed by three
different doctors.

Assholes. Thank
you. Yeah, no problem.

Hey. I need you to come with me.

Oh, really? Am I
under arrest, Officer?

Not you. Grace was
picked up for shoplifting.

She what?

- She was?
- Yeah.

Uh... All right, let
me get my... my bag.

I need my bag. Here, I got it.

Come on, let's go. Holy shit.

I knew something was up with
her this morning with that haircut.

Lauren's stable.

Get these doctors down here.

Grace was arrested
for shoplifting.

Fuck.

Girls are crazy.

I stole a couch once.

A power washer is on its way.

You're gonna need
to do more than that.

It's like getting a
bad Yelp review.

If people see that, they're
not gonna come in here.

You're taking this a little
bit too seriously, Dr. Prentiss.

What?

I can't believe I just
drew Pat Kiernan's blood.

I love New York 1. Wake
up to you guys every morning.

- You're very nice.
- You are very nice.

We are not here to
gush. We are here to treat.

Look, I'm sorry to be
taking up your time,

but I've been
feeling light-headed,

and my assistant was worried.

No, it's good to get
everything checked out.

So, headache, fatigue.

You get up so early.
Of course you're tired.

You're on the air at 5:00.

Yeah, I've been
getting some rest.

I've been Upstate with the
kids the last few weekends.

- You have kids?
- Two girls.

Fatigue.

You're fine. You
can discharge him.

Um, let's push some fluids.

And you'll feel better.

- Where's your house?
- Woodstock.

A tiny house,
middle of the woods.

We should check
for Lyme disease.

- You're serious?
- Well, we should rule it out.

You know, I do know a couple
guys up there with Lyme disease.

Don't worry. We got you now.

I'm gonna go run your blood.

She's great.

Today she is.

I had someone take her
fingerprints and mug shot...

just to freak her
out a little bit.

You guys want to tell her
no one's pressing charges?

No, let her sweat.

What the hell did she steal?

Bunch of fancy conditioners
from a hair salon.

She ran out without
paying for the haircut,

so technically that too.

Jesus Christ. So she left school
to get the rest of her hair cut?

What the fuck is going on?

Her friend Mandy was with her.

But she bolted by
the time I got there.

This Mandy... I
don't like this girl.

I met her once.
She's a little older.

So, what, Grace got caught, she
said, "My mom's boyfriend is a cop"?

No, um, she said
her dad was a cop.

And they called me.

All right, I'm ready. You ready?

It's not a big deal.

Sure, our whole family
is at a police station.

I'd say it's a big fucking deal.

There is something
going on with you, Grace.

Are you gonna
tell me what it is?

I don't have to
tell you anything.

Hey, lay off your mom.
You're the problem right now.

I'm not the problem.

I'm doing really
well in school...

and I just wanted
to cut my hair today.

Mia said I'd look
great with bangs.

Jesus Christ. Mandy, Mia.

Who is Mia now, Grace?

Who are these girls?

Obviously they're
part of the problem.

Do you know who Mia is?

Mia's Dad's fiancée.

Oh. Okay.

Jackie, I... I will
be right back.

Hi. Can you meet me
before I do something crazy?

Call me.

Oh, my God. Look at you.

Hi. You are so pretty.

You are so pretty. Hi.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you.

Sorry, is he bothering you?

No, no, no, no. I love dogs.

My ex was allergic,
so I never had one.

I need to take
him. He's working.

Oh, sure. Leave. Come.

I'm sorry. It just
happened last night.

This was not how I was
planning on telling you.

No, I know that. Of course not.

I am very happy for your dad.

And that was not
your news to share.

- Cell phone, wallet.
- I got 'em.

She does not have
access to anything...

and she does not go anywhere
without an adult present,

school or home.

I have to get back to work.

You get a family
discount on bail?

I got you covered.

Poke around. Open the cabinets.

If you have any
questions, just holler out.

I'll be right in here.
I'm Antoinette.

I didn't even know
he was dating.

I guess I should
have. He looks great.

He's wearing tighter jeans.

Well, he's a man,
and he's not an addict.

Of course he was
gonna get remarried.

It's not a race,
and I realize that.

Well, that's good, because he's
always gonna be healthier than you.

- Mia.
- Oh.

Well, you know, who knows?

Maybe this will
be good for Grace.

Maybe it'll give her
someone new to hate.

Or maybe we can
hate her together.

Jackie, this is a
vulnerable time.

Being sober can
get really boring.

Other people move on...

and they make healthy choices.

You're gonna be prone to some
very bad, impulsive behavior.

Just promise me you won't
make any big decisions today.

Can I tell you how badly
I want to use right now?

Get fat, not high.

How's that going? Not well.

We need to do better
than this. We have to.

Lauren's awake and in Exam.

I organized all
her files for her.

Not one of her
doctors came down.

They didn't even call back.

I'm on hold with
this rheumatologist.

How are you? I'm great.

Grace was caught
shoplifting hair products...

and Kevin's getting
remarried. What?

Hang up.

Yes, Dr. Cohen, please.

Oh, she's in surgery. Okay.

This is Jackie
Peyton from the E.R.

Her mother was just
brought in in critical condition.

Can you send her
down here, please?

Yes, thank you.

Yes, Dr. Gupta, please.

No, I would rather
not hold, actually.

This is Jackie
Peyton from the E.R.

His mother was just brought
in. She's in very bad shape.

I think he should
probably get down here.

Yes. Thank you.

Hi there. I'm calling
for Dr. Thorsen.

This is Zoey Barkow, R.N.,

from the emergency department.

I'm afraid that Dr. Thorsen's
mother was just brought in...

and there's very
little that we can do.

If he wants to say good-bye,

he should get down to the E.R.

I don't know how
much time she has left.

Oh, my God, it's all
happening so fast.

The blood, the blood.

I bet mine gets here first.

You still here? You should
have been out of here hours ago.

- No, he shouldn't.
- Is he your...

- Boyfriend? No.
- Boss?

Yes, I am. Is there
a problem here?

No, actually, not at all. I
was trying to figure out...

who I need to talk
to about getting this

young lady on TV to do
some medical segments.

Seriously?

Great doctor, great
public hospital.

It's exactly the kind
of thing this city needs.

I have a friend at WASQ
who needs somebody.

I had media training in college,

but I never really
thought I'd use it.

All you gotta do,
Dr. Roman, is say the word.

You're gonna have
to run that by Akalitus.

Good luck with that.

I think it'll be good.

I can call my
friend right now. Oh!

Oh.

Quick question.

Let's say I was given
the opportunity...

to bring some really
good press to this hospital.

Would you shut it down?

Yes, I would shut it down.

WASQ wants me...

to do medical segments
from the hospital.

It's not even about me.
It's good P.R. for the E.R.

Let me think about it.

Can you think
about it right now?

They want me to do one today.

Oh, my God. Scratchers.

I love these.

What? I think I won something.

Dr. Roman, please try very
hard not to bring us all down.

So, I don't... That's a yes?

Where's my mother? I got a call.

Yes, hi. If you could
just sit tight for a minute.

- What? What's going on?
- Hello. I'm Dr. Gupta.

Someone said my mother
was brought in unconscious.

If you can wait for one moment.

My mother's on a cruise.

Who's the asshole who called
me and told me that she was dying?

Follow me.

Here are all your files.

Oh, my God. This is amazing.

Lauren, your doctors are here.

They're going to talk to you and
they're going to talk to each other.

Dr. Prentiss will be
running this meeting.

The penis guy?

Mm-hmm.

Your patient was
brought in here today...

with a swelling of the airway.

It was brought on
by a drug interaction.

I want to know your
diagnosis for this patient...

and your treatment plan.

We'll start with you.

So my mother's fine?

Your mother is not here.
I don't know how she is.

I cannot believe you
would approve this.

I know I'm rolling the dice,
but outreach is important.

Our worst doctor is giving
medical advice weekly.

He was my patient.
That could have been me.

That would have made up
for the millions of lost sperm.

I'll make it up to you, Coop.

How? I'm losing things I
never knew I didn't have.

Are those my vaccines? Yeah.

Syringes and swabs.
You're locked and loaded.

♪♪

I feel really overdressed.

You look fantastic.

Really, you do.

You're all done.

Ring Pop.

You're welcome.

Next.

Free meningitis vaccination.

Uh, buzz kill.

It'll take two seconds.

If you were engaged in any
kind of physical closeness...

or intimacy with
multiple partners...

Oh, my God. It won't hurt.

Zoey.

What are you doing here?

Being nice.

Just came to help. Those
shoes are hot, by the way.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, I'm ready for my shot.

Roll up your sleeve, please.

I think it's awesome
that you're doing this.

I'm Robin. Ike.

- This is Zoey.
- Ike? Really?

You're amazing.

Ow. You're all done.

Ring Pop. Ring Pop.

Ring Pop. Perfect. Thank you.

Why aren't you
dancing? I don't dance.

He'll dance with you if you
get all your friends vaccinated.

Oh, it's on.

Really?

What the hell are you doing?

I got a dog.

She's got arthritis.

God, that face. It's
making me so depressed.

Did you name him?

Her.

Well, she looks like a him.

Her name is Slippers.

That's terrible.

Well, she's 35 years old. I
can't change her name now.

Come here, boy. Hey.

Come here.

You know, I think Kevin looked worse
than Grace when I left the station today.

Yeah, he felt bad.

He should. How you feeling?

I don't know. All I knew
at the end of the day...

was that I wanted a
dog, so I got a dog.

Oh, you're not
allergic, are you?

No. Thanks for asking.

Honey, you sure you want a dog?

I mean, don't you have
enough to take care of?

This is a good impulse. It is.

Okay.

Um, look, I'm sorry.

You know your kids and you
know when they're out of control.

I just wanted everything to
be smooth sailing this morning.

Nothing is ever smooth
sailing around here.

♪♪

♪ Just shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Come on and get naked, naked ♪

♪ Yo, yo, now
shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Come on and get naked, naked ♪

♪ Now take it, take it ♪

♪ Come on and get naked, naked ♪

♪ No, no, well,
now, take it, take it ♪

♪ Come on and get naked, naked ♪

- I feel better.
- What?

I feel better.

Sometimes you just
need a little extra attention.

It's just sperm.

It's just sperm, baby!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Yeah, Coop!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪